Chee59:

Exactly. So long as she's alive she can turn those kids against you.

Right. The kids will always be loyal to her. She doesn’t even have to turn them against you. They are already naturally against you. Even if she’s not alive, they’ll still be loyal to her. It’s best kids are cared by family members not stepparents. Since men don’t take care of the kids, they shouldn’t have custody of the children bc they will only burden their wife. If the kids aren’t under his custody then it’s okay but otherwise you won’t have peace in your own home.

Heathrow44:


, hope everyone now sees why their past matters

People always like to say “don’t judge” so they can get away with bad past behavior. It’s a terrible mistake marrying someone without considering their past. Their past will come back to haunt you. Taking on other people’s kids is a risk especially if you are heavily investing in them financially. It’s not a problem looking after an unrelated child but there needs to be a limit. You don’t will your property to them. Just provide basic provision like food and clothes. That’s generous enough.

The husband was a fool for building a house in the name of another man’s son. How foolish. Is he not able to have his own children? The lady didn’t mention anything about other kids. If this woman dumps him for her baby daddy, he deserves it for his stupidity. Why claim another guy’s family as yours instead of establishing your own family? People need to stop making decisions based on some fairytale “love”. Of course she’ll pretend to love you so you can support her and her kid. She was a desperate single mom needing to survive. She’ll be on her best behavior to secure resources for her and her kid. Husband is such an idiot. Even if you don’t have biological kids, leave your property for other family members not an unrelated child.

If the woman has a conscience she should return his property and move on with her true love. This woman’s situation is the reason why most men avoid marrying single mothers. She’ll use you to raise her kids and they’ll dump you as soon as the biological father resurfaces. People need to raise their own children. Don’t raise someone’s children for them while they are alive. You are just giving them a free ride. They’ll come back after you finished all the hard work.

Is this a true story? I can’t imagine anyone being this stupid to put their house in an unrelated child’s name. But then again people do stupid things everyday in the name of love.

No, as another single childless woman, I can’t marry a single father for the same reasons you mentioned. I’m not going to share the burden of raising another woman’s kids. Why should I? Then on top of that you’ll deal with resistance from the children and interference from the mother. Also, it can be a huge financial burden if the man is supporting kids from a previous marriage. However, if he makes a good income, this may not be an issue.

The only exception I can consider dating a single father is if he leaves the children in the mother’s care or in the care of his family. As long as he doesn’t expect me to look after his kids and he’s financially stable, then I can marry him. They’d have to be living long distance with their mom or with his family. He can go there to visit them and send money for their maintenance. They can come to our home for occasional weekends and holidays but I don’t want to live with them full time. We’d have to have a clear agreement that I’m not expected to care for them. Our marriage has to be separate from his duties to his kids by another woman. Otherwise, I couldn’t do it. Being a stepmom is too much of a burden and the situation creates a lot of potential for conflict. I just don’t see the point in adding those extra complications in your life. I just want to be with the man alone and focus on my own kids. I don’t want to have to accommodate another woman’s kids in my life or have to deal with their mom.

This Jewish man told the absolute truth. However it will fall on deaf ears. I knew this all along. Black people cannot MAINTAIN wealth in the community. Anytime you see a wealthy black man, his wife is mostly white or another race. He will die & she & her family will inherit his money. Arabs do the same thing Jews do. If you look at wealthy arabs, they always marry from their community. They may get a second wife from somewhere else but the first wife will always be an arab from within the community. They make sure the money stays with their people. It's only black people who want to love everybody else & be all inclusive while undermining their own in the process. Black people don't respect or value their own color. We have asevere mental inferiority complex many don't realize.

obinrinrere:
Asalamualaykum
@nene you need to take things easy.I used to think polygamy is the last thing I will want to hear from my husband but as it is now,I don't mind sharing him, especially with a widow.
As for me,Allah is sufficient for me.

Salams sister. Let your husband get a second wife then come back and tell us about your wonderful experience.

[quote author=makzeze post=33216452]What is the Islamic ruling for a man to keep his wives in same house? Can the Man keep them in seperate houses? and what are the advantages and disadvantages of this?[/quote/]

The wives have right to separate accommodations unless they agree to live together (some women are dumb enough to agree). Usually men who cannot afford more than one wife have them under the same roof so they have one set of bills. That is haram. No woman should agree to that. It is not good for her well being.

dastranger:
“Second wife! The words reverberated through my brain. Why? Am I not good enough? Never! I will never accept a second wife! If you want a second wife you can go out and get one as long as you know that I will not be here when you come back! Those were my words to my husband a few years ago when he mentioned to me that he is intending to marry again a second time. It was a woman recently divorced, 4 children. She is having a hard time, he said, she don’t know where the next meal is coming from or how to provide adequately for her children. “Where is their father?” I asked, “Can’t he take care of his own kids? Why do you a strange man have to carry another man’s burden? Surely there are other ways that you can help her out financially without having to MARRY her!

I could not imagine myself in a plural marriage. Sharing my husband with another woman. Sharing his love, his smiles, his jokes with a woman other than myself. I could not fathom him holding her close and whispering loving words in her ears. It was unacceptable. An outrage. After all I have been to him. Wife, lover, mother, doctor, housekeeper. I raised 3 of his beautiful children. How can he insult me by marrying another woman as if I am not good enough? Not pretty enough. Not young enough or just plain not ENOUGH! NO! I could not accept that and I vehemently made my stance clear to him. If she walks in, I walk out! Plain and simple. If he is willing to risk our marriage, our life, our children for another woman, then he must go ahead. I will not stand for it!

It all seems so many years ago now. When I thought that life would last forever and that nothing will ever change. But it did….My husband did not get married to a second wife. After all my warnings and threats of leaving he abandoned the idea. I don’t know what happened to the women and children. My guess is that they moved on to another town.
He never mentioned a second wife again and I was happy with that. I managed to hang on to my husband but I didn’t know that our time was running out. His last words to me were that he had a headache and is going to lie down till Esha. He never read Esha namaaz that night, because he never woke up. I was devastated by his sudden death. The man whom I have spent my life with, snatched away from me in a second. I mourned him for a long, long time. Neglecting my children and the business. Soon all went to waste and we started losing everything one by one. First the car then the shop, then the house. We moved in with my brother and his family. My 3 children and I crowded the house and my sister in law soon became annoyed by our presence. I needed to get out, to work and find a place of our own instead of living off the leftovers of others. But I had no skill. When my husband was alive we lived comfortably. I had no need to go out and work or equip myself with a skill. Life was very difficult for me and my children and I wasn’t young anymore. I missed him every day with every beat of my heart. How could one’s condition change so drastically? One day my brother told me that someone he knew is looking for a wife. He was a good person, good akhlaq and very pious. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife.

It’s the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. But how different the circumstances. He came to my brother’s house to see me. There was an immediate connection between us. I liked him and I liked everything about him. He told me that his first wife knows that he is intending to marry again but that she is obviously not supportive of the idea and that he doesn’t know what her reaction will be when he tells her that he had found someone. His answer he said, will be dependent on her acceptance of Polygamy. I started praying Istikhara that night. I so desperately wanted it to work out. I remembered so many years ago when the life of another woman depended on my decision and what my decision was. I felt contrite, I felt that because I did not give another woman a chance, a space in my life, that Allah will punish me this time around.

I repented, not once in my life did I think my action worthy of repentance because I had done nothing wrong. I only protected what was mine. Now that I am on the receiving end, I realized how wrong I was in denying another woman this PRIVILEGE of a husband. I prayed that she will accept me. He phoned me a few days later telling me that his wife is having a hard time accepting it but that she is willing to meet me. I was nervous the day of the meeting. I prayed a lot the day before and asked Allah to help me. When I met her, she was a person, a woman like me. A woman who loves her husband and fears losing him. She took my hand and with tears in her eyes said: “This is very hard for me, but I hope that we can be sisters” her words broke my heart. All I needed in these dark days was a hand reaching out to me and embracing me, giving me hope and the will to carry on. His wife was to me, the woman that I could not be and I will be forever grateful for that. I thought that no one could love her husband the way I loved mine, but she taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.

You never know a person’s situation until you are in it.
Judge by what is right according to Qu’ran and you will see how Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala will sent double fold of blessings your way.”

Culled from : http://muslimvillage.com/2014/12/09/60243/second-wife-a-sisters-story/

Oh please, this is another tactic to brainwash women into sharing their husbands. This encourages women to seek men to support them instead of getting skills to empower themselves. So the woman now accepted polygamy because it favors her. Of course it is easier being the 2nd wife. It's fine when you are the new love benefiting from what the 1st wife and her husband built.

Now, it great that a brother wants to marry a single mother and help her raise her kids, but hopefully he can AFFORD it. Taking on a woman with 3-4 kids is a big burden and it should not financially hurt the well being of your first wife and kids.

Polygamy sounds good in theory, but it real life I don't know if I could be so generous to share my man. I would definitely resent the money he would be spending on taking care of her and kids that are not his. Hopefully the biological father is not a deadbeat. Also, I know he should love the second wife's kids, but that would also make me jealous because I know that it would be their mother's love that he is reflecting on them. I understand why polygamy exists, but it would just be too painful to share my man. I really hope my future husband does not choose to do it. I don't think I could stay. I would hate to build a life with a man and have some other woman come and enjoy our marital monies along with her children who are not even his.

if my husband decided to do that, I would not help him at all financially (like sharing bills). That will only help him to spend more on her. He better be take very good care of me and my kids if he is going to take on such a burden of another woman. I would be so jealous, because he must love her so much to take on her burden. That would drive me crazy.

Enyeama!!!!

Fulaman198:

Lusting is wrong in Islam, I for one as a Muslim man will not marry more than 1 woman. I have listened to songs by Oumou Sangare in Fulfulde (Fulani language) of Mali and she grew up having to deal with it her mother did not receive the same attention as the other wife.

It is impossible for a man to love 2 or more women equally the same. One will always be your favourite.[color=#990000][/color]

The above is the reason why I could not live in polygamy. I can't be married to a man who puts another woman first. I want to be the first and only wife. This is what causes problems in polygamy, because the favorite wife comes first to the man and she and her children get preferential treatment. I have seen men even favor stepchildren from a favorite wife over his own biological children from a less favored wife. The man's heart will always lean more towards one. Chances are if he married a woman AFTER you, she is his favorite. Why should you be second to another woman in your marriage? I can't take it. I would rather be divorced than share my husband. I will end up sinning, b/c I won't be able to be a good wife to him. I won't care to do anything for him. I would hate him. So why live hating my husband. I would rather leave. I couldn't be happy in that type of marriage. I don't know how women do it.The only wife that would be happy in such a marriage, would be the favorite one. I would also hate to have a 2nd wife come and get my man ready made. She usually comes when the man is a little older and more financially established.

Do people think it's a wise idea to let a prospective husband know about my feelings on polygamy? My mom thinks I shouldn't bring his mind to such a topic and you can't predict the future anyway so no point in asking. However, men are different and some are able to stick to one woman for the rest of his life (even if they wouldn't mind more) while others cannot. I have seen women married to their husband for less than 5 years and he gets a 2nd wife. I think I would have to let him know my feelings BEFORE we get married. I want him to know he has to divorce me first before if he chooses to marry another woman.

Salams,

I am the op of the thread. I think that polygamy or more correctly polygyny benefits the subsequent wives (after the first). It only causes pain for the first wife. However if you become a 2nd wife u gain a husband and equal rights with the first wife regardless of how long she has been in the marriage. She could have been there with the man for 20 years and a new wife comes along and gets everything she gets, like the same inheritance and everything. In many cases she gets more than the first wife. In islam a wife is a wife and all wives are in the same category. Sometimes I feel I should be the 2nd wife of an already established man. I would hate to struggle with a man as his first wife and then have another woman come in and reap the benefits. It sucks to be the first wife. I know as a 2nd he could still marry on me and get a 3rd but in that situation I would already know he is polygamous so it wouldn't be a shock. I can't stand sharing my husband though. It would make me hate him. I definitely wouldn't want any business with his other wives. Men make me sick sometimes really. Sometimes I am scared of marriage. I see what many women to through in polygamy and it scares me. I also see the FEW cases where the man sincerely tries to be fair, but I still wouldn't want to be in in that situation either. Even if he is fair it still hurts.

Salams everyone,

I had a discussion with my mom and cousin about polygamy. I feel that EVERY man would practice polygamy if they could even including non muslims who criticize our system. So I just wanted to ask the muslim men here if they would marry more women if they were wealthy or if they would still stick to one wife. I think that in theory polygamy, is a good idea for women (not just men). If people did it right it would be of great benefit to women, but many men cannot be fair. Also women don't respect each other. They try to give each other hell. This is why I prefer to avoid polygamy. I am really afraid of my future husband cheating on me or marrying another wife. I really hope I find one who is fine with one wife and set of kids. I would be devastated if it happened to me. I don't think I have the patience or strength to endure it. Are there men out there that can actually control their desires and be faithful to one woman. My cousin's mother is a 3rd wife so she has no problem with polygamy and was almost ready to be a 2nd wife of an older rich guy. However he has been married to his one wife for many years. He's one of the few rich men with 1 wife. My cousin thinks it's selfish to want a man all to yourself. I disagree, if you are in love with your husband, why would you want to share him with another woman? Polygamy only needs to be practiced by a few men in order for every woman to find a husband. It doesn't have to be mine. Some women are ok with it and some are not. It is not fard in Islam so everyone doesn't have to do it. Well that's my feeling on polygamy. Maybe I am wrong, but we do have a choice on what type of marriage we want.

Hello all,

I want 3 children. I ideally want 4 (2 boys, 2 girls would be lovely). However, I chose 3 bc I want a career after school and I am afraid the more kids I have, the harder it would be to maintain my career. Many career women especially here in the west where Iive just have 2. Even the non-career women tend to stick with 2. I felt like 2 kids is small. 3 is just right for me. I have no preference for gender but it would be nice to have a mix. Who knows how many kids God planned for me? I guess when I get married I'll find out.

I think some Africans (not all) think that only speaking English makes you seem more modern and educated and see speaking your native language as being backwards. It's sad when I see people embarrassed to speak their native language.

I think what smart mom is trying to say is that learning your native language is not all of a sudden going to prevent you from learning English. It's really simple. I don't get the big deal really. There is really no point to not speaking your native language. English has always been my best subject even though I speak my native language like an elder from back home. I also grew up in the US. I will definitely pass on my language to my kids. I now Spanish as well. I am taking arabic classes in the evening. I hope to add French to my list next year. Being monolingual is too boring. English is the most popular language but there are a lot of countries where English won't help you. Knowing English isn't the be all end all.

Hello all,

I think it is equally important for the child to learn both languages. Like another poster said, English is the commercial language of the world and most popular with French 2nd. For almost any job, unless you live in a country where English is not the official language, you need to know English. It is very useful worldwide. What I plan on doing when I get married and start a family is teach my child both. Maybe my husband will speak English to our children when they are young and I will speak to them in our native language. When they begin school and get a chance to speak English everyday with their peers, then we will transition to speaking our native language completely in our home. If my husband happens to be from another ethnic group, we will begin with English until the child begins school. Then we will both begin to speak in our diff native languages to the kids. I think when they are very young is the best time to each them English and their native language. They absorb everything better then.

One can be very well versed in your language and culture while at the same time being modern. You can be fluent in many languages. As the world is becoming more globalized, it helps to learn many languages. I think for international use, knowing both English and French is very helpful.

Hello nairalanders,

I have a question on my mind today that I would like to share. I would also like to read others thoughts on this as well. Anyway, I feel like we as African women have been raised to spoil our men and a lot of the times don't get appreciated for it. You see African men married to non-African women and treat those women like princesses even though they don't do half the things we do. They treat those women better. They will cook and clean for those women while the woman cannot even cook. I don't understand the way men think. I think many African men view African women as their maids since they were pampered since they were little boys. They take us for granted and have a sense of entitlement towards us. I always felt that when I get married I will cook, clean for my man and wash his clothes despite my plans to worn full time after marriage. However, I do expect to help around the house, especially with cleaning and chil rearing.. It is unfair to expect one person to maintain the whole house. I know for those in Africa many have maids so it is a little easier for some women. Also the man should also help with the kids like sometimes giving them a shower for example.

I think too many (not all) of us turn ourselves into maids for our husbands. When you try too hard to please a man he takes you for granted. Men don't appreciate women like that. You could do everything for him and he will fall for a woman who doesn't do half the things you do for him.

Well so what do you folks think about this? I feel like I am becoming paranoid about men and relationships. What do the women here think? For the men, how do you feel about the division of housework between spouses? Why do you think African men act differently when it comes to non-African women? Is it bc those women, mainly American women don't take the nonsense? Or better yet is it bc they know those women will be quick to dial 911 and throw them out of the house. What I do notice is that few of those mixed marriages last. Many of the times, they do come back home to marry and African woman. I personally don't have a problem pampering my husband, but I want him to appreciate me for that in return and pamper me too. Lol... I know this is a long rant, but I look forward to the comments.

bump

Hello All,

It is commonly said that in marriage, it is not only 2 people coming together, but their 2 families. So when you marry a man and you become part of his family. In some situations, you might have to live with them or they come to live with you:

1. How long could you live with your inlaws?
2. How long could they live with you and which ones?

I personally don't mind living with my inlaws for 1 or 2 years before moving out with my husband though my preferred situation would be to just get our own place right after marriage. However, I understand things are not always ready made and we might have to save up for our own place. Other circumstances might also require him to stay with his family for a while. When we do get our own place, I don't mind his mother and father coming to VISIT for a few months (like no more than 6 months) with the intention of leaving. That is if they are healthy and don't need us to take care of them. Same applies to my own parents. When I have a baby especially, it would be nice to have his mother or my mother (or both) come to stay for the first few months, and then leave. I actually would like the grandmothers to come from time to time (maybe every year) for a few months at a time. This would give them enough time with their grandchildren and my husband and I will also have privacy the months they are not there. However, for siblings, I personally would not prefer them to live with us permanently. They are definitely more than welcome to come for a short vacation, but not stay. If they have to stay permanently for a legitimate reason such as school, or loss of job ok. But I would expect them to either contribute financially and help with house chores so they don't get too lazy and aimless.
So basically:

1. I don't mind living with my hubby's people as long as it's less than 2 years. MAYBE 3 if they are people who don't give me trouble.
2. His parents or my parents can come live with us TEMPORARILY for less than 6 months unless they are sick, which they can stay permanently and maybe I can pay someone to come in to help me with their care.
3. His siblings and mine can only come for vacations (no more than 3 months) unless they are in a circumstance where they need to stay for longer periods.
4. As for nieces and nephews (rule 3 applies to them as well)
5. For all other family rule 3 applies.

I am willing to be flexible with these things, but sometimes you need to put your foot down b/c some relatives will take advantage if you are too nice. It's nice to have family around, but there needs to be a limit to everything b/c it is better for your marriage and so you can your spouse can plan your life financially. Some relatives can become too dependent on one person especially the oldest male child

Rich black men always lose their money to white people through their white wives.

In a divorce, the man should only be obligated to take care of his children. Whatever luxuries he spoiled you with during the marriage when you were his WIFE is yours. But when you stop being his wife, he is not obligated to take care of you anymore. I don't understand this stupid law where they split the property 50/50. Its his empire and not hers. He is only responsible to pay child support to his children. I am sure a billionaire's child support will be more than enough for this kids. The majority will go to fund the lavish lifestyle she was used to. She just wants to maintain the lifestyle she had while being his wife without being in the marriage. She wants to continue her wasteful spending and spoiled ways she was used to during the marriage. If a man is taking care of his kids, then why are you complaining about taking more. Only a gold digger would do such. A man's responsibility is his wife and kids, but if you get divorced you are not a wife anymore and he is not obligated to spend on you. However, his kids will be his kids forever and that is what he should be obligated to pay for in a divorce. This 50/50 law makes it easier for gold diggers. Why should he giver her 21 million? Yes, she had his kids, and he took care of her during that time. And after the divorce he should take care of his CHILDREN ONLY. Just b/c she has kids doesn't mean he needs to take care of her like a wife even though she is not anymore. He is only obligated to his children and wife, which she is not anymore.

@maclatunji:

Yea, I agree it is important to know his behavior with women BEFORE marriage. FOr example, if he has a lot of female friends or had a lot of girlfriends previously then that is a definite no. A lot of girls know their man is a player but they refuse to admit it b/c they are blinded by love and in some cases his money. I am an extremely jealous person (I know I need to work on that) so I need to make sure that he isn't a ladies man. Plus, as a muslim I would expect him to not have been involved with other women in the past anyway. Also, he should not have ANY female friends. That is haram in Islam. You should not be friends with unrelated people of the opposite gender. The first thing I will look for is how pious he is and his character. That will reflect in the way he deals with women. I know that no matter how much you keep yourself attractive, there will still be attractive women out there that will catch your husband's eye. That is understandable as there might be men other than your husband that can catch your eye as well. The key is for him to control that attraction and not act on it out of respect for our relationship. I want a man who is not weak when he sees a woman he is attracted to. I must say not all men are that bad as they are made out to be as I have met men who were very serious around women and would not even look you in the eye. I need a monogamous man b/c I honestly just cannot live with polygamy. I just don't think I can at all. It would drive me insane.

maclatunji: This article says a lot about this topic http://sheikyermami.com/2010/11/01/mauritanian-women-say-no-to-polygamy/ . I find it quite funny.

I read that article before. It is funny how they were willing to give up many financial benefits so he won't marry again. Women are not as greedy as men think we are. We would take happiness over money. Well I know I would. I would rather marry an financially ok guy than be married to a rich guy and have to go through the misery of sharing him with other women.

What was funny is that even when the husband violated the contract and married in secret, they ignored it b/c of their social image. I couldn't care less about social image. I would divorce him. I would make sure he pays a high dowry and gives me a lot of other financial things as security. Why would you forgo that for him to make a promise he can easily break if he wanted? I think the contract doesn't do much after all. If he really wants another woman and you cannot stand it, it is better to leave. There is not much you can do to stop your husband from loving another woman.

Ok, well we have always heard about how a woman should try to do things to KEEP her man. But I wonder is it just people trying to put the blame on the woman?

To the men, I want honest answers. Say your wife kept her appearance, cooks you good meals, is good in intimacy, and overall treats you well, would that prevent you from cheating? What I don't understand is why men keep giving the excuse that they are just polygamous by nature. If you feel sexual urges, why not just go to your wife instead of another woman? All women have the same body part down there (sorry to be so blunt) so it doesn't make sense to me why they would want it from a different woman? Why do they always want a new piece of arse? It seems really silly to me. Is it worth risking your marriage over a few minutess of pleasure that you can also get from your wife? Also with all these STDs out there, it is not worth it. I don't really understand the mindset of cheaters. If you really cannot work it out and your wife is not satisfying you, why not divorce her and let her go in peace and you can go after someone you feel is making you happy. I feel like there is no excuse to cheat. You shouldn't put yourself in the position where you would be tempted to have sex with another woman in the first place. You don't have sex just like that anywhere. Like for example don't go to her apartment alone. Don't have a private conversation with her alone or have lunch together. Your guy friends are there for that. I feel like a married man or woman should not have friends of the opposite gender. Acquaintances are fine, but as friends you hang out with, hell no. It just opens up the possibility of the friendship GROWING into an affair. I don't want my husband having "lunch" with one of his coworkers. That just is too close contact and can develop a bond between the 2 of them. Also, having close friendships with the opposite sex, takes away the attention from the person you are in a relationship with. Say if my husband and I had an argument, he can easily go the other women to say his frustations making them grow closer instead of say coming back to me and we make up. (That is hypothetical as I'm single). It is important the your significant other is the main person of the opposite sex in your life so most of your attention can be on each other and you can work on the relationship. That "close" friend of the opposite sex can become a distraction in your relationship. I think friends of the opposite sex are not a good idea.