@ Babyosi, You are absolutely right. There is no way in hell that I would distance my man from his parents. I am actually the one who encourages him to be closer to them. I'm a very responsible and mature person and that's why he's with me. This is the same reason why I am with him. The only thing that his parents dislike about me is the fact that I am not Nigerian hands down. He and his parents get so caught up in thier individual everyday lives that they barely have enough time to spend with each other and I am the one who tries to urge my man to make time. I do have history of divorce in my family but does that mean that I would want the same for my own family? I am a woman, why would I want that?

I must say, it's hard for black Americans who want to connect with their "roots" and already feel alienated by American society, but are once again alienated by other people of African descent or who are African by birthplace. I mean I'm American and my boyfriend is Nigerian--I don't see what's wrong with that. :/

I feel as if we African-Americans just don't fit in anywhere. I mean, think about it. We don't fit in with this American society that sterotypes us (and every other ethnic group), profiles us, rejects us, etc. And we African-Americans don't even fit in with other African-Americans! If you're too light, you're not right. If you're too dark, you're not right. If you're too preppy, you're not right. If you're too "gangsta"/hip-hop, you're not right. I

mean there are just so many divisions within this "African-American" community that we really don't fit in anywhere, or even have any place to "come home" to. I'm really looking forward to taking a DNA test to trace my roots back to Africa just so I can actually have a place to call home. Just so I can have a true identity.

I mean I know I sound a little "woe is me", or "woe is us", but it's true man! It's a sad case of identity theft that has happened to us African-Americans, and most of us are confused and know not where we come from, have no culture to identify with, etc. All we have are our family get togethers and our churches, our "Christianity", lol. That's how we African-Americans get together. With the religion our slavemasters gave us. I'm a Christian by the way so that's not a slam on Christianity lol.

But enough of my rambling. I just wanted to address what someone on this post said about "coming home" to your own people, and how I feel it's just not fair for black Americans who really have no "home" to go to, or anywhere where we are not alienated.

But enough of my rambling. I just wanted to address what someone on this post said about "coming home" to your own people, and how I feel it's just not fair for black Americans who really have no "home" to go to, or anywhere where we are not alienated.

@ lanegra
we would really love to welcome african americans to africa and have them affiliate with us but its funny how african americans sometimes think they are better than us africans. some of them think because they have now been completely americanized they can treat us as if we are still savages. how did mohammed ali put it again? "im glad my ancestors didnt miss the boat"?
we should be uniting to fight the racism we already have against us!

Mohammed Ali said that?
I can't believe it,I liked him.

Ayeisha:

@ Babyosi, You are absolutely right. There is no way in hell that I would distance my man from his parents. I am actually the one who encourages him to be closer to them. I'm a very responsible and mature person and that's why he's with me. This is the same reason why I am with him. The only thing that his parents dislike about me is the fact that I am not Nigerian hands down. He and his parents get so caught up in their individual everyday lives that they barely have enough time to spend with each other and I am the one who tries to urge my man to make time. I do have history of divorce in my family but does that mean that I would want the same for my own family? I am a woman, why would I want that?

Ayeisha,just reading your two posts here,I know you are a girl with a good head on her shoulders.
I am an Igbo lady,while I cannot speak for all Igbos,I have an idea what the problem is.
Nigerians generally frown at divorce,which is stupid sometimes because I know in some situations divorce can be the best answer physically speaking.

This young man's parents have several fears.
1. They fear you will take their son away from them and being that you are of a different nationality,that you may actually take him far far away.

2.They fear that it would be easy for you to leave the marriage when the going gets tough due to the history of divorce.

3.They fear that their lineage will lose it's Nigerianess and Igboness being that you are not Nigerian.

If indeed you guys are serious and thinking about marriage,I would advice that your boyfriend sits down with his parents (without you) and tell them your great qualities and how he has seen everything he's looking for in a woman in you.
Basically, he has to sell you to them emphasizing that you appreciate his cultural background (which could be one of their fears) and that you have expressed a desire to get to know his family.
He also has to mention (in passing) without any elaborations that you have your weaknesses because you are human.

The other tip,when you visit his parents,try as much as you can to join in,help her set the table for dinner,ask about her day,don't just sit at a corner and only talk with your boyfriend.
I have been married not too long and I'm talking from experience,99% of the work to make your future mother in law accept you has to be done by your husband to be.

If his family knows how highly he regards you and it is clear he is in love with you,they will respect that and respect your right to be with him.
I wish you all the best.

babyosisi:

Ayeisha,just reading your two posts here,I know you are a girl with a good head on her shoulders.
I am an Igbo lady,while I cannot speak for all Igbos,I have an idea what the problem is.
Nigerians generally frown at divorce,which is stupid sometimes because I know in some situations divorce can be the best answer physically speaking.

This young man's parents have several fears.
1. They fear you will take their son away from them and being that you are of a different nationality,that you may actually take him far far away.

2.They fear that it would be easy for you to leave the marriage when the going gets tough due to the history of divorce.

3.They fear that their lineage will lose it's Nigerianess and Igboness being that you are not Nigerian.

If indeed you guys are serious and thinking about marriage,I would advice that your boyfriend sits down with his parents (without you) and tell them your great qualities and how he has seen everything he's looking for in a woman in you.
Basically, he has to sell you to them emphasizing that you appreciate his cultural background (which could be one of their fears) and that you have expressed a desire to get to know his family.
He also has to mention (in passing) without any elaborations that you have your weaknesses because you are human.

The other tip,when you visit his parents,try as much as you can to join in,help her set the table for dinner,ask about her day,don't just sit at a corner and only talk with your boyfriend.
I have been married not too long and I'm talking from experience,99% of the work to make your future mother in law accept you has to be done by your husband to be.

If his family knows how highly he regards you and it is clear he is in love with you,they will respect that and respect your right to be with him.
I wish you all the best.

Mamaosisi you don talk am finish! These certainly are words of the wise.

yes oh. babyosisi you've broken it down simply. if that doesnt work, i dont know what will.

1. He/she understands your accent.

2. He/she knows that when you suffix every sentence with 'now', its not a command, e.g. "Come let's go now, "

3. When you guys go out, he/she pays and doesn't expect a refund of exactly half!

4. He/she understands why you have to send money home - he/she is probably doing the samething!

5. He/she doesn't see your kid sister staying in your house as an inconvenience/ cramping his/her style.

6. He/she doesn't think you should put your parents in a home.

7. He/she eats 'Gbegiri and Amala' and doesn't think it's 'yucky' or 'spicy'. In a nutshell, loves your cooking.
8. He/she gets your jokes.

9. The way he/she licks his ten fingers 'because that Ogbono soup with Iyan hit da spot, Oh Yes!!!

10. He/she has got their education or something going on.

11. He/she loves his/her kid and takes care of him.

12. He/she can have a bus load of conversation without him/her saying much 'because his/her momma taught him/her that.

13. He loves to see you shake that ass to Sir Shina Peters, the original "Back That Ass Up" master.

14. He will settle an argument and say sorry while maintaining his man status.

15. I am IN charge but he is THE charge, we understand that.

16. He knows where he is from. Living in NY does not mean you are from NY.

17. He thinks you're so pretty without makeup.

18. He calls you native endearing names like "Nne" or "Omo"

19. He has respect [not to be confused with obedience] for his elders ? important.

20. The way he gets embarrased and says "I beg e" when you compliment him.

21. The way he says "I love you baby" ? may be very fake yet sounds so TRUE!

22. The way he eats meat with his bare hands? for some reason it is sexy to me.

23. The way he calls you his wife in front of all his friends.

24. The way he says "Shey you get am" when he thinks you are not paying attention, but you really are.

25. The way he knows that it is you calling and answers the phone "Hey Baby! " without looking at the caller ID.

26. The way Naija men look when they are all decked out in native? there is nothing sexier than a dark chocolate man in lace o!

27. Pronounces your name like say na im born you.

28. The way he flows from Ebonics to Pidgin English to Akata with ease.

29. He is just at home at your office picnic as he is at the Naija reunion.

30. The very satisfied look on his face after eating one of your meals and the way he glares at you while picking his teeth with the tooth pick, and you both know that you are his next "meal".

31. He appreciates the art of yanshrolling when he sees one!

32. Keeps yo from doing wahala by buying a stickshift vehicle he knows you can't drive!

33. He saves you money on groceries a la "limited diet". Just cook the stew and he'll figure the rest? Eba, Amala, Fufu or even plain old White Bread!

34. No need for breast implants to impress am!

35. No need to go kill himself trying to maintain a six pack. He knows u know big belle is sexy inside Agbada!

36. He knows to allow you like three hours to get ready for a party!

37. He will not complain when you waka with headful of rollers inside house but quick to let you know that aint nothing sexy about that when you want to go outside.

39. His lunch (Rice, Beans, Dodo, complete with carefully selected assorted meat) wey you pack for am na something u know sey im no go wait to "Palam"(gobble up!) when him reach work

40. He thinks the small gap between your front teeth are actually sexy!!!!


by the way, these are not my words

@ morayo, nice post. really true talk there o.

@lanegra

lanegra:

I feel as if we African-Americans just don't fit in anywhere. I mean, think about it. We don't fit in with this American society that sterotypes us (and every other ethnic group), profiles us, rejects us, etc. And we African-Americans don't even fit in with other African-Americans! If you're too light, you're not right. If you're too dark, you're not right. If you're too preppy, you're not right. If you're too "gangsta"/hip-hop, you're not right. I

mean there are just so many divisions within this "African-American" community that we really don't fit in anywhere, or even have any place to "come home" to. I'm really looking forward to taking a DNA test to trace my roots back to Africa just so I can actually have a place to call home. Just so I can have a true identity.

I mean I know I sound a little "woe is me", or "woe is us", but it's true man! It's a sad case of identity theft that has happened to us African-Americans, and most of us are confused and know not where we come from, have no culture to identify with, etc. All we have are our family get togethers and our churches, our "Christianity", lol. That's how we African-Americans get together. With the religion our slavemasters gave us. I'm a Christian by the way so that's not a slam on Christianity lol.

i just felt i needed to respond to your comment. the question of identity is an inherently human problem, its not peculiar to any particular sect; although some people may more readily find something to fill that vacuum of identity with. some people feel very proud about lineages eg royalty, some take pride in nationality, some in other things. however i must say that as a human being, the question of our place, our niche in all of existence, cannot be fully answered by mere cultural values. we have always supported that martin luther statement; a man must not be judged by the colour of his skin.

you referred to christianity as a 'religion our slavemasters gave us'. i must say that is not true in the least. christianity originated from the middle east, not from europeans. i'm african, but i must say i find my identity not in being african, but in being a son of GOD and in knowing that i am placed here by divine order for a purpose. i'd suggest that you try to find your identity in christ, and stop seeing christianity the way you see it; which is just a misconception. the truest sense of self-worth and identity is to be found in christ and i really do hope you find it.

there is this very special passage - Acts.17; 26-28 - He determined the exact place where we should live; there is no accident in the life of any person. in him we live, move and have our being.
all the best.

MY THAT IS THE PROBLEM AM FACING NOW,
OUR NIGERIAN GIRLS IN AMERICA ARE NOTING TO
WRITE HOME ABOUT AND GOING BACK TO NIGERIA TO
LOOK FOR A WIFE. IS LIKE A MATCH BETWEEN
NIGERIA AND CAMEROON, THEY WILL ALWAYS LOVE U
BUT BRING THEM HERE ,
THEY CHANGE OVERNIGHT
WELL SUCH IS LIFE,
PRAY HARD OOOOOOOOOO

ATLANTA96:

BUT BRING THEM HERE ,
THEY CHANGE OVERNIGHT

you want her living in america with you and still acting like the docile wife you "bought" from your village? im sure when you came to america you changed a bit just to be able to adjust to way of life here. allow women some of the priviledge of some change too.

Bros Atlanta96,

I wouldn't advise you to bring a woman you met in naija to live with you (& marry) here in the states. Why not try and get one that is already here ? There are lots of single nigerian ladies around, you just have to be patient to find one that you find compatible.

Bringing someone from naija is too risky, the woman you meet and fall in love with is often not the real person, but her representative. Once you bring her here, then you'll see her true colors.

In my opinion, I think you have a better chance of seeing a woman for who she really is when she is based here in the states, rather than bringing her from back home.

Either way, stay blessed.

@Gnature
thanks my brother,
u are really right and i will start searching for one

You know, I'm new here but I'm sure a lot of people reading this will rip me a new one for what I'm about to say,

Honey, it's your life whether your parents like it or not. In the end, your happiness is what matters and not what your parents think, besides, that's the risk they take when they brought you tho the states. It drives me absolutely nuts when parents raise you the "American Way" (ex: speak proper english, not too much exposure to African life) and then when it comes to marriage time, they want to tell you to 'go with your own kind". Why? Nigerians are no different from the other people in the world and yes we have our culture but if you find someone who truly cares about you, they will want to learn and embrace what your culture is.

That's my two cents, Hope I didnt step on any toes.

the easiest answer 2 dis question is, they want 2 keep their nigerian culture in the family

At poser:
Oga, just pray and do what God tell ya. True parents are almsot always right, and most times have the best for you in mind, but when it comes to marriage, you need LOVE and COMPATIBILITY. As u dont dey america since, to find straight up naija girl who doesnt want just ur cash go hard, and as u noted, naija chicks for here are hard and are somehow somehow i think,
so my broda, tink long term, before u marry, make sure that she's willing to work everything out with ya, incase u need to move back home and stuff, just make sure na correct oyigbo chick. Believe me sha o, some oyigbo chicks CORRECT!!
but ya, u n o fit find anyone for here on nairaland eh lol, i believe hotangel and others are available lol
all the best my man.

You use to hear people saying there is no place like home. Since there is no place like home they have to marry naija also.

Parents always want their kids to marry nigerians cos of the culture differences.
You know Nigerians and indeed Africans take pride in our culture, so an average nigerian parent would want their kids to marry a nigerian. Especially our mothers!

morayo15:

1. He/she understands your accent.

2. He/she knows that when you suffix every sentence with 'now', its not a command, e.g. "Come let's go now, "

3. When you guys go out, he/she pays and doesn't expect a refund of exactly half!

4. He/she understands why you have to send money home - he/she is probably doing the samething!

5. He/she doesn't see your kid sister staying in your house as an inconvenience/ cramping his/her style.

6. He/she doesn't think you should put your parents in a home.

7. He/she eats 'Gbegiri and Amala' and doesn't think it's 'yucky' or 'spicy'. In a nutshell, loves your cooking.
8. He/she gets your jokes.

9. The way he/she licks his ten fingers 'because that Ogbono soup with Iyan hit da spot, Oh Yes!!!

10. He/she has got their education or something going on.

11. He/she loves his/her kid and takes care of him.

12. He/she can have a bus load of conversation without him/her saying much 'because his/her momma taught him/her that.

13. He loves to see you shake that ass to Sir Shina Peters, the original "Back That Ass Up" master.

14. He will settle an argument and say sorry while maintaining his man status.

15. I am IN charge but he is THE charge, we understand that.

16. He knows where he is from. Living in NY does not mean you are from NY.

17. He thinks you're so pretty without makeup.

18. He calls you native endearing names like "Nne" or "Omo"

19. He has respect [not to be confused with obedience] for his elders ? important.

20. The way he gets embarrased and says "I beg e" when you compliment him.

21. The way he says "I love you baby" ? may be very fake yet sounds so TRUE!

22. The way he eats meat with his bare hands? for some reason it is sexy to me.

23. The way he calls you his wife in front of all his friends.

24. The way he says "Shey you get am" when he thinks you are not paying attention, but you really are.

25. The way he knows that it is you calling and answers the phone "Hey Baby! " without looking at the caller ID.

26. The way Naija men look when they are all decked out in native? there is nothing sexier than a dark chocolate man in lace o!

27. Pronounces your name like say na im born you.

28. The way he flows from Ebonics to Pidgin English to Akata with ease.

29. He is just at home at your office picnic as he is at the Naija reunion.

30. The very satisfied look on his face after eating one of your meals and the way he glares at you while picking his teeth with the tooth pick, and you both know that you are his next "meal".

31. He appreciates the art of yanshrolling when he sees one!

32. Keeps yo from doing wahala by buying a stickshift vehicle he knows you can't drive!

33. He saves you money on groceries a la "limited diet". Just cook the stew and he'll figure the rest? Eba, Amala, Fufu or even plain old White Bread!

34. No need for breast implants to impress am!

35. No need to go kill himself trying to maintain a six pack. He knows u know big belle is sexy inside Agbada!

36. He knows to allow you like three hours to get ready for a party!

37. He will not complain when you waka with headful of rollers inside house but quick to let you know that aint nothing sexy about that when you want to go outside.

39. His lunch (Rice, Beans, Dodo, complete with carefully selected assorted meat) wey you pack for am na something u know sey im no go wait to "Palam"(gobble up!) when him reach work

40. He thinks the small gap between your front teeth are actually sexy!!!!


by the way, these are not my words

Awww. . .this is too cute. Some of the reasons why I wants to marry a Nigerian lol Moreso for me because I feel like there is so much of the culture that I am missing out on, and I would want someone who knows. . .if that makes sense to anyone lol.

olalunke

i have been in america for the past 12 years, and i am still very differnt from american girls, both black and white. Do wha tworks for u, but i definately know that african american or even carribbean men might not be the smartest choice.

Hmm, a hard choice, but ultimately one you must make.

My girlfriend is white, my family are not too keen on me marrying outside my cultural background, but they are NOT against it. And, if they were, it'd make absolutely no difference to me. She's still my choice, we have so much in common, we both mirror each other's personalities. And, we love each other.

So, the final decision is yours, it all depends on who makes you happy.

u stil wonder why a lot of nigeria girls get used and dumped easily my nigerian guys.Nigeria girls in the diaspora are pressured to marry from their tribes .They tend to force themselves on guyz (and guy take advantage ), A lot of nigerian ladies talk to me a lot about this.AND unfortunately, most african ladies are scared of nigerian guys because of this trend, marry who u love ,  but marrying from another culture aint that easy either, THE BALL IS IN UR COURT

I have been dating with a nigerian for 4 years, we love each other but he told me he wont get married with me because he is the oldest son and he must get married with a woman from nigerian because it is the culture.
I am very sad
I have been crying a lot
It is too much for me
This topic had helped me open my mind
I just dont understand how can the rules someone had invented (culture) be stronger than the love

simibrazil:

I have been dating with a nigerian for 4 years, we love each other but he told me he wont get married with me because he is the oldest son and he must get married with a woman from nigerian because it is the culture.
I am very sad
I have been crying a lot
It is too much for me
This topic had helped me open my mind
I just don't understand how can the rules someone had invented (culture) be stronger than the love

It's unfortunate. But the good news is many Nigerians do not look that perspective anymore. They marry anyone they find compatible irrespective of race, nationality and religious affiliation and the results are everywhere to prove it. Your ordeal is not the end of your life, it hurts but you gotta move on and like we say in Nigeria; 'there are many fishes in the river'. Go get that fish that will love you unconditionally.

simbrazil, stop wasting yourself on a man that doesn't appreciate you enough to throw aside stupid traditions. Dump him immediately, please. He's just taking advantage of you to get free sex. If he wanted to marry you, he would.

@topic
Because as complicated as Nigerians are, it is best for them to intermarry since they know what they are getting into.  Nigerians do not have many needs--food, sex, shelter and maybe a few coins in the pocket. It is easier for me to deal with a Nigerian woman than a foreigner. Not much brainwork required--they are very predictable and pose no challenge whatsoever to manipulate.

They all want to get married and will do anything to get a wedding ring, without much of a bargain. No offence intended.  It is just my personal experience.  Foreigners expect rules to be followed, but Nigerians break every rule just to get married. You usually have a variety to choose from over and over again too. Culturally, rights do not exist--since it is a man's world in Nigeria. Marrying a "foreigner" would mean it is a woman's world and I cannot accept that.

We Nigerians are too into our Culture, It takes a lot for one tribe to marry another tribe.

Our parents think they will feel more comfortable and easy to related to an inlaw of the same culture.

My mom told me the reason she wants me to marry from same tribe is that its easy to know what

family she is from. The only difference i see in Nigeria culture is the different language, we are still

all discipline in our ways, but then again, every tribe thinks they are the best. I would marry

any Nigeria girl who is open to marrying from other tribe as well. I never really thought of marrying a non-Nigeria.

My uncle is married to a Ghanian and they are doing very well.

Nigerians are into culture because it is the easiest explanation to give when what they do defies all rational senses. When you mention culture--it is finite. No need to probe any further just like using Religion or Gender. Case closed. No need for debate. The culture of convenience.

grafikdon (m) , I feeling like the end of the world, people that look at me in the streeth and people that know me think I am sick.He is not perfect, but he is perfect to me. And a fish like that is very difficult to find in the river, this fish come from other planet, smile

Seun (m) "stupid traditions" you are the first nigerian that I see calling the stuffs concerning your culture as stupid. He told that he must get married from nigerian because his position in the family, he is the oldest son and he make something different his father d die and the whole family too.He is too family oriented, I have already think about get pregnancy for try to change this story but I dont think is right make "419" with it.About sex, you mean fornication, smile,well I dont think so, if he wanted free sex he wouldnt tell me about that wife (he still dont know) and he d stay with me and when she d arrive he d say bye bye simi.

almondjoy (m) "Marrying a "foreigner" would mean it is a woman's world and I cannot accept that". "It is easier for me to deal with a Nigerian woman than a foreigner." You seems be unsafe or with lack of selfconfidence. If have to get married with a woman that agree with everything you talk, lay down and say amém everytime and etc, My babe oga is special and thats why not much brainwork is required. He knows how to deal with native woman and eat fufu and he know how to deal with foreign woman and eat sushi and both of us will feel loved and completely. Thats why Grafikdon I say, how can I find another fish like that?

kojeiwa (m) "I never really thought of marrying a non-Nigeria." Have you ever lived abroad ? maybe you dont think about it because you are too domestically, I dont know.

almondjoy (m) about the culture:

"He calls you native endearing names like "Nne" or "Omo" HE CANT CALL ME LIKE THAT BECAUSE I DONT HAVE NATIVE NAME

" The way he licks his ten fingers 'because that Ogbono soup with Iyan hit da spot, Oh Yes!!!

WHEN HE DOES IT I USED SAY THE FOOD HAVE ALREADY FINISHED AND I ASK I HE WANTS MORE

I am the first born in my family, and I live in Nigeria. I would happily marry an Arab is we were 'in love', and nothing will happen. A family friend's daughter in the US just got married to a very white American guy. And she was also the first born in her family. Nothing happened. Culture is merely a suggestion. It's just a lame excuse.

Let me put it this way: why should you want to marry a man who loves his culture more than he loves you? That love is too weak, too pathetic to be taken seriously. If you can accept him despite his culture, why can't he accept you?

I have ready others testimonials concerning the same subject and the worries of others women is the fact they are white.
I am african-brazilian and I am black, my picture is here and you can see.
Because the slavery I lost my roots, conection and name but I am sure I come from some country in Africa
It can be Nigeria, Ghana, Angola, I dont have idea
I have already said it, I am african too
But no way, because I was not raised there so I dont know how to make fufu, I never will kill any animal to eat or other reason, I dont eat all kinds of meat, I like to work and study and I like to have maid in the house
Thats it
Nice to meet you guys!

Seun (m)
I agree with your words. I ll copy what you wrote to him
You are right !

Thanks