What can I do?

I tried all my best to please my wife in all "ramifications"( i.e. take her as a wife and partner, take her family as mine etc), but most time when I correct my wife on some issues that will make are better as a wife, she takes it so personal, in a way that she will resist the advice and prefare to rather justify her act.

Most recently, my younger bro came for a weekend and her attitude to him was not really welcoming, any little mistake he makes, she send an indirect message

Age wise my brother is older than her, he is currently a final year student in the University, infact the worst of it all is that she expected him to wash the plate he used to eat last night, when her nice is there, who do the daily watching.

I pointed it to her that she should try to be accommodating and be careful the way she treat my brother, she took it so personal, she forced me to say all sorts of thing that really made her angry.

I have try using words of advice to put things in order, but it is not really helping matter. I believe in changes, I also believe that learning is a continuous process, etc.

I need your help, I can not really express all in this forum, but I know that there is an issue somewhere, If you need more info I will try as much as possible to answer.

You cannot change your wife unless you first accept her with all her faults. You may think you are pleasing her "in all ramifications" but obviously you are not. Unconditional acceptance is a basic need that we all have and if you can't unconditionally accept your wife then are certainly not "pleasing her in all ramifications"

From her point of view, you haven't taken to her own advice - that you should stop bugging her. Some people are very sensitive to criticism especially when they think it's not necessary. I happen to be one of such people so I'm taking your wife's side. Some people just need to learn to shut up and accept others without judging.

Before you get married, open both eyes and once you get married close one. Before you get married, learn about your wife's faults and if you can't tolerate those faults don't marry her! Once you're married, be tolerant!

flog the hell out of her



it is her friends in school that is giving her liver and all the rubbish attitude,

flog her and show her that when she leaves skool she is coming top meet you at home ALONE not with friends and you married her not her and her friends!!!

casper:

flog the hell out of her



it is her friends in school that is giving her liver and all the rubbish attitude,

flog her and show her that when she leaves school she is coming top meet you at home ALONE not with friends and you married her not her and her friends!!!

" " " "

It seems to me that your wife is fed up with your constant nagging. I'll take excerpts from your story and tell you the way I, as a woman, would see it.

"I tried all my best to please my wife in all "ramifications"( i.e. take her as a wife and partner, take her family as mine etc), but most time when I correct my wife on some issues that will make are better as a wife, she takes it so personal, in a way that she will resist the advice and prefare to rather justify her act."[/color][color=#990000][/color]

The way I see it, you're not trying to please your wife at all. Rather what you're trying to do is make her into the image you think she should be, hence your trying to tell her things that will make her a "better wife". See, it's all about YOU, and if I were her, I would see your attempts as being selfish and manipulative and would most likely resist your advice as well. You stop bugging her and focus instead on doing the things that would make YOU a "better husband", surely you're not perfect and even if you were, there's always room for improvement 

[color=#990000]"Most recently, my younger bro came for a weekend  and her attitude to him was not really welcoming, any little mistake he makes, she send an indirect message"[/color][color=#990000]

I don't know what you mean by indirect message, but it seems to me that not only are you nagging your wife constantly about her attitude, you're stalking her and watching for every little misstep. A guy with an attitude like that is difficult to live with  . Give her some breathing space my brother and let her be. If you must correct, please do so in love and by your loving actions. Enough of the nagging and complaining. Stop trying to change her, love her inspite of her and see if she wouldn't do everything in her power to please you 

"Age wise my brother is older than her, he is currently a final year student in the University, infact the worst of it all is that she expected him to wash the plate he used to eat last night, when her nice is there, who do the daily watching."

I really don't see anything wrong in her wanting your brother to wash his plates after eating, especially if your wife cooked the meal -- it's just a sign of appreciation. But then l'll assume that your culture does not tolerate that. If I were in your shoes in this matter, I would ask myself many questions, the answers to which might hold the key to your wife's behavior. How does your brother relate with her? Does he treat her with respect and consideration or does he expect her to wait on him hand and foot (remember she married you and NOT your brother, so if anyone else expects her to treat them like her husband that might just elicit some negative reaction)? Do you, as her husband, hold her with high esteem in front of your brother (and family members) or do you correct and belittle her in their presence? I believe that your wife is just simply letting  out frustration and transferring her aggression  about something which she finds uncomfortable. Find out what it is and do something about it. And please whatever you do, don't let your brother (or any of your family members for that matter), come into your house and treat your wife like she's their slave. That's one of the fastest ways to make your wife loose respect for you!! Enuf said here 

"I pointed it to her that she should try to be accommodating and be careful the way she treat my brother, she took it so personal, she forced me to say all sorts of thing that really made her angry."

I'm assuming (and hoping) here that you did not do the "pointing out" in the presence of your brother. If you did, then yes, she should take it personal (I would too)! Now listen up dude, NO ONE can force you to say anything, so don't use your wife as an excuse for your inability to control your anger. It's bad enough that you nag her, now you blame her for your actions too  Be the man, and be in control of the atmosphere in your home and of your emotions! If your wife is doing something that you don't like, bring it up to her gently. If she's upset and doesn't want to listen, cut off the conversation then and bring it up much later when things have settled down. And at least once in a while, take her side. Stand by her and support her as her man. You can't always criticize her for her behavior towards someone else, it'll seem like you're on the other people's side all the time. Also, find opportunities to commend her when you notice changes that please you. No one can blossom in an environment where there is constant criticism, it's tough.

"I have try using words of advice to put things in order, but it is not really helping matter. I believe in changes, I also believe that learning is a continuous process, etc"

Obviously your words of advice aren't yielding any results. Try something different -- try loving actions, live by example. If there's anything you want her to do, demonstrate that in your own lifestyle and in your relationship with her and others. She'll learn. Stop the nagging, it won't achieve anything. The definition of madness is "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result". Your constant "words of advice" will only continue to yield the same results that you're currently having. OK enough said here 

"but I know that there is an issue somewhere"

Yep, you bet there is!! Solve the problem by dealing with yourself.

Lastly, enjoy your married life




PS: Don't forget to thank me when you begin to see the wonderful results of putting my advice into practice 

windywendy, thanks for demonstrating how wrong he is. Clearly he's the one who needs advice.

I hope he does change, but I don't think he will. He's the "head" of the family, afterall, according to "God's word".

Actually I sincerely hope he does change because as the head of the family, he's the number 1 change agent in his family. If there has to be change, it has to start with him. I do research the bible a lot and one thing I've discovered is that when God appointed man as the head of the family, he meant it in the sense of man being responsible for upholding God's will for the family. Infact (at the risk of sounding preachy), the literal meaning of the original greek word that was translated "head" is "the one who's readily held responsible". God is not wasteful and therefore does not give authority without commensurate responsibility. Even man is smart enough to know that authority without commensurate responsibility will result in abuse of power, talkless of God.

Casper Thunder Fire you.

ligthning strike you

Windywendy and Seun, the man is the head of the family not the woman. She needs to know who wears the pants in the family. From what I have gathered, she seems to be very arrogant. Why can't she take simple advice from her husband (correct advice). Soon, she will control the husband and he will be the one going to the market. Nonsense!!

Olumide7, just make sure you warn your girlfriend properly before she makes the mistake of marrying you.

I will get married with both eyes open, making sure that I'm not getting married to a 'man'.

I would like to contribute to the topic because I had a similar experience with my fiancee. Prior to our misunderstanding, she use to complain that I am always threatening her ( I will quit, I am bored with the relationship etc) even though I love her deep within me.
I remembered making one of the above comments when we had trouble recently and she took it so personal that all efforts by me to reconcile proved abortive to the extent that she refused to see me when I travelled from lagos to the north to see her (long distant relationship).
However, on the eve of my coming back to lagos she pleaded on the phone , she would like to see me at last which I also ignored and came back to lagos without seeing her again. In the wake all this my sister sat me down and point out my wrongs from the point of view of a woman which I actually accepted my faults and apologise to my fiancee on the phone while in lagos and hence, love like never before.
The point I am trying to make here is that, it si very important to respect the feelings of a woman by looking at issues from their own perspective too b4 taking a descsion. Never allow your self ego to misdirect you. Wish U a healthy relationship with your wife

jimmy74:

The point I am trying to make here is that, it si very important to respect the feelings of a woman by looking at issues from their own perspective too before taking a descsion. Never allow your self ego to misdirect you. Wish U a healthy relationship with your wife

Good word Jimmy74

Olumide7, when you do get into a relationship or get married, try out your style. If it works, good for you. If not, then try out the "wiser" way. But honestly, if you want to be a happy man and have a fulfilling relationship, you need to always take the feelings of your partner into consideration and respect them. It's not about getting married to a man, it's about getting married to a PERSON with feeling, expectations and all that  . Anyway, you're still young (I looked at your profile). With time you'll get wiser -- hopefully you won't have to experience too many unpleasant relationships before that happens

I cannot stand men that try to "correct" their wives.
They see things in her that they do not like but wait till they are married to "correct" her.
Why wait?
is it because there is no way out for the wife once they are married (or so they think)
Is that not an evil plan?
I find it _Sell-Fish and wicked

windywendy you said it all, nothing more,

I disagree with mamaput advice, there is no time limit to when we can correct ourselves, after all we are in this world learning everyday. Marriage comes with its up and down, tolerance, understanding and ability to forgive and forget plays so much role in the union.

To "correct" someone means you assume you are right and that person is wrong. How arrogant!

globalaid If you meet me as a smoker and you only try to stop me after am married thats not good enough.

If i wear mini and you say nothing till we are married thats not good enough.
If i go out once a week with my Girlfriends clubbing or what ever and you say nothing till after marrage thats not good enough.

If i did not like your brother b4 we got married i will not start to like him because we are married.

There is this man i know a Nigerian he ask me once why i would not take him as a boyfriend or marry him. My answer was that he will like to change too many things on me.
he had to admitt.
AS a Friend he accepts all my "Mistakes" and we get on well.
But in a Relationship it will not be possible . FUnny not so.

The Foundation is there b4 marrage. Not after.

Which one of us is perfect? Are you the perfect man/husband? Of course not. Don't you think there are things about you that your wife wishes were different?

When you marry someone you know who you are marrying. If you think there is so much wrong with them you shouldn't marry them in the first place.

Thank you all for your various contributions, suggestions and advise. I have really taken life cool with my wife, learned a lot of new thing and I have seen a great result in my home now. We are both happy now.  

I hope to get more of these candid advice. Especially to you Windywendy,   ;You are too much. You really have a gift that we can discuss off the forum. Send me a mail on paymentmd@yahoo.co.uk. .

Thank you all. You can still send your post.

Jimmy,

Words are very powerful, and once they leave your mouth, they can't be taken back.  They can either build you up or tear you down.  Mean spirited words can kill affection slowly.  People never forget the words.  If a man said those kinds of words to me me, I could never fully trust and respect him.

Others,

The man sounds dictatorial and the "Big Man" type.  I am not African.  So alot of this I can't relate too, because it is cultural.  I would just say I am not cleaning up behind somebody who doesn't pay the mortgage and the car notes.  If his brother is a bad quest and making a pest out of himself, then the husband needs to set the record straight with the brother.  I see too much how African men allow their families to disrespect their women.

The woman sould like she has had enough of the bull crap.

I have had to tell a few that I have a father and he raised me well. I don't need a father in you. African men can be very difficult to deal with, and most women are dependent on theim financially. So they grin and bear it. As Fela said, Suffering and Smilin'

@adeniyi1st, I just stumbled on this thread today and I am happy you took to the advice of windywendy. She did justice to the issue. Keep it up, sister. I'm happy you have a happy home now.

Let me respond to some aspects as we all are still learning everyday. The way you take and treat your wife is the way people will treat her. Or let me turn that around. Don't expect people, be it family or friend, to treat your wife more highly than you do! Even when you have misunderstanding with her, keep it to the two of you and learn to resolve issues with her without putting her down before any one. This will earn you respect from her than words of correction.

As a Yoruba man like you, and I know it happens in other African cultures, I know what you mean by saying your wife expects your brother to wash his plates. Brothers-in-law could be very difficult, especially the grown-ups. You know how I handled that issue? Once I knew my brother was doing that, immediately after meals, I simply gathered the plates to the kitchen and started washing them myself (note, there is nothing unmanly in washing plates as a husband, I still do from time to time)! Your guess is as good as mine. He got up to collect them from me. That sent the message, and settled that. Try it, it works!

You are the man, set the example! Work on yourself the more. I've come to discover that it's really easy to please a wife. Just love her and spoil her with affection, let her have a self-esteem and you will find out that respect flows naturally from her!

Have a great home!

adeniyi1st:

Thank you all for your various contributions, suggestions and advise. I have really taken life cool with my wife, learned a lot of new thing and I have seen a great result in my home now. We are both happy now.

I hope to get more of these candid advice. Especially to you Windywendy, ;You are too much. You really have a gift that we can discuss off the forum. Send me a mail on paymentmd@yahoo.co.uk. .

Thank you all. You can still send your post.

Aww. I'm happy for you, and I'm happy for your wife. Have a good life!

@olumide7
your just being shallow minded.

@ posters banging on about knowing your partner b4 marriage -

no man or woman can ever truly know their partner in and and out until they live together 24/7 for a considerable period. during courtship/romance, both parties are fronting for each other, to present themselves in the best possible light, to attract and keep the other interested.

any body who claimed he knew his wife character fully b4 he married her is a born liar

[quote author=windywendy post=642407]It seems to me that your wife is fed up with your constant nagging. I'll take excerpts from your story and tell you the way I, as a woman, would see it.

"I tried all my best to please my wife in all "ramifications"( i.e. take her as a wife and partner, take her family as mine etc), but most time when I correct my wife on some issues that will make are better as a wife, she takes it so personal, in a way that she will resist the advice and prefare to rather justify her act."[/color][color=#990000][/color]

The way I see it, you're not trying to please your wife at all. Rather what you're trying to do is make her into the image you think she should be, hence your trying to tell her things that will make her a "better wife". See, it's all about YOU, and if I were her, I would see your attempts as being selfish and manipulative and would most likely resist your advice as well. You stop bugging her and focus instead on doing the things that would make YOU a "better husband", surely you're not perfect and even if you were, there's always room for improvement 

[color=#990000]"Most recently, my younger bro came for a weekend  and her attitude to him was not really welcoming, any little mistake he makes, she send an indirect message"[/color][color=#990000]

I don't know what you mean by indirect message, but it seems to me that not only are you nagging your wife constantly about her attitude, you're stalking her and watching for every little misstep. A guy with an attitude like that is difficult to live with  . Give her some breathing space my brother and let her be. If you must correct, please do so in love and by your loving actions. Enough of the nagging and complaining. Stop trying to change her, love her inspite of her and see if she wouldn't do everything in her power to please you 

"Age wise my brother is older than her, he is currently a final year student in the University, infact the worst of it all is that she expected him to wash the plate he used to eat last night, when her nice is there, who do the daily watching."

I really don't see anything wrong in her wanting your brother to wash his plates after eating, especially if your wife cooked the meal -- it's just a sign of appreciation. But then l'll assume that your culture does not tolerate that. If I were in your shoes in this matter, I would ask myself many questions, the answers to which might hold the key to your wife's behavior. How does your brother relate with her? Does he treat her with respect and consideration or does he expect her to wait on him hand and foot (remember she married you and NOT your brother, so if anyone else expects her to treat them like her husband that might just elicit some negative reaction)? Do you, as her husband, hold her with high esteem in front of your brother (and family members) or do you correct and belittle her in their presence? I believe that your wife is just simply letting  out frustration and transferring her aggression  about something which she finds uncomfortable. Find out what it is and do something about it. And please whatever you do, don't let your brother (or any of your family members for that matter), come into your house and treat your wife like she's their slave. That's one of the fastest ways to make your wife loose respect for you!! Enuf said here 

"I pointed it to her that she should try to be accommodating and be careful the way she treat my brother, she took it so personal, she forced me to say all sorts of thing that really made her angry."

I'm assuming (and hoping) here that you did not do the "pointing out" in the presence of your brother. If you did, then yes, she should take it personal (I would too)! Now listen up dude, NO ONE can force you to say anything, so don't use your wife as an excuse for your inability to control your anger. It's bad enough that you nag her, now you blame her for your actions too  Be the man, and be in control of the atmosphere in your home and of your emotions! If your wife is doing something that you don't like, bring it up to her gently. If she's upset and doesn't want to listen, cut off the conversation then and bring it up much later when things have settled down. And at least once in a while, take her side. Stand by her and support her as her man. You can't always criticize her for her behavior towards someone else, it'll seem like you're on the other people's side all the time. Also, find opportunities to commend her when you notice changes that please you. No one can blossom in an environment where there is constant criticism, it's tough.

"I have try using words of advice to put things in order, but it is not really helping matter. I believe in changes, I also believe that learning is a continuous process, etc"

Obviously your words of advice aren't yielding any results. Try something different -- try loving actions, live by example. If there's anything you want her to do, demonstrate that in your own lifestyle and in your relationship with her and others. She'll learn. Stop the nagging, it won't achieve anything. The definition of madness is "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result". Your constant "words of advice" will only continue to yield the same results that you're currently having. OK enough said here 

"but I know that there is an issue somewhere"

Yep, you bet there is!! Solve the problem by dealing with yourself.

Lastly, enjoy your married life




PS: Don't forget to thank me when you begin to see the wonderful results of putting my advice into practice 
[/quote

90 percent of your advice is baseless and senseless. Why not just tell the man directly to accept the role of a slave in his marriage. Nonsense. With this mindset, you will have big issues in your marriage especially if you get married to a typical africa man.

Seun:
windywendy, thanks for demonstrating how wrong he is. Clearly he's the one who needs advice.

I hope he does change, but I don't think he will. He's the "head" of the family, afterall, according to "God's word".

Typical seun. Can't say a sentence without shading God

The archetypal atheist

So Seun sef na Simp

I can't believe the op took the Advice of All those women up there, it's been 16 years now, his wife must have cut off his balls for being a Weak man.
She will control him in his own house,while he continues to Please her so as not to stir up trouble

Why did you marry someone that does not listen or take your advise, you saw all these in the relationship stage but you ignored. See ehn carry your cross.

Damn. 2006? Those was the dark days and early mutation of Simps, their breeds are the ones we seeing around in 2022.