Every morning, My Grandfather was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his religious Holy Book. Me, His grandson, wanted to be just like him, and tried to imitate him in every way I could. One day I asked, "Grandpa! I try to read the Holy Book just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Holy Book do?" My grandfather quietly turned from putting the kettle of water for Eba on the stove and replied, "Take this dirt basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water." I did as I was told, but all the water leaked out before I got back to the house. My grandfather laughed and said, "You will have to move a little faster next time," and sent me back to the river with the basket to try again. This time I ran faster, but again the basket was empty before I returned home. Out of breath, I told my grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and I went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of water. I want a basket of water. You are just not trying hard enough," and he came out the door to watch me try again. At this point, I knew it was impossible, but I wanted to show my grandfather that even if I ran as fast as I could, the water would leak out before I got back to the house. I, again, dipped the basket into the river and ran hard, but when I reached my grandfather, the basket was again empty. Out of breath, I said, "See grandpa, it's useless!" "So you think it is useless?" the old man said, "Look at the basket." I looked at the basket and for the first time realised that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old dirt basket and was now clean, inside and out. "My son, that is what happens when you read the Holy Book. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out".

njuwo:
Every morning, My Grandfather was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his religious Holy Book. Me, His grandson, wanted to be just like him, and tried to imitate him in every way I could. One day I asked, "Grandpa! I try to read the Holy Book just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Holy Book do?" My grandfather quietly turned from putting the kettle of water for Eba on the stove and replied, "Take this dirt basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water." I did as I was told, but all the water leaked out before I got back to the house. My grandfather laughed and said, "You will have to move a little faster next time," and sent me back to the river with the basket to try again. This time I ran faster, but again the basket was empty before I returned home. Out of breath, I told my grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and I went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of water. I want a basket of water. You are just not trying hard enough," and he came out the door to watch me try again. At this point, I knew it was impossible, but I wanted to show my grandfather that even if I ran as fast as I could, the water would leak out before I got back to the house. I, again, dipped the basket into the river and ran hard, but when I reached my grandfather, the basket was again empty. Out of breath, I said, "See grandpa, it's useless!" "So you think it is useless?" the old man said, "Look at the basket." I looked at the basket and for the first time realised that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old dirt basket and was now clean, inside and out. "My son, that is what happens when you read the Holy Book. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out".

I like this....
Insightful!!!

You Know Your Mother Is A Nigerian;

When you say, "Mummy, I'm Sorry!" And she replies, "Sorry for yourself!"

When you ask her where you should drop something and she says, “Drop it on my head."

When she brings food wrapped in a nylon bag from a party.

When you say, ''Mummy, I have fever.” And she replies you, “Why won't you have fever when you press phone every day.”

When you say, “Mummy I took 2nd in my class.” and she replies, “So the person that took first has two heads abi?”

When she takes the dstv remote to work, just to punish you.

When you are watching television with her and then she sleeps off and still doesn’t want you to change the channel.

If when you tell her you are going to a friend's place and she asks, ''When last did that friend come here to play with you?

When she asks you if the food is enough, and you reply no, and she says, come and eat her join.

When she tells you, if I hear Peem, you will hear ween.

When she touches hot pot comfortably without a cloth or paper.

When with one look she tells you, you will get the beating of your life when you get home.

When you say, ''I want to die!. And she says, ''You will not die in Jesus name!.

When she tells you, ''I didn't kill my mother, so you will not kill me''.

When she calls you from your room upstairs and then sends you back upstairs to bring her purse.

When you ask her to help you with your home work and she says, ''Go and meet your sister.'' You then say, ''So Mummy you don’t even know it.'' And she replies, ''It is your daddy’s family members that doesn't know it.''

When you ask her to refund the money you borrowed her and she tells you, "All the food you have been eating in the house nkor? Which money did you think was used in buying them?''.

My Uncle decided to do yoga one saturday early morning. As he was getting ready, his wife woke up.

Uncle: Darling would you like to join me to do yoga?

Wife: Do you mean to say I am fat?

Uncle: No, no! If you don't want to get up, it's okay.

Wife: So now you think I am lazy, ehn?

Uncle: No! You are misunderstanding me. I didn't mean....

Wife: Aha! So I don't understand you, right?

Uncle: Now look, I didn't say that.

Wife: So am I lying?

Uncle: All right! It is best I don't do Yoga.

Wife: See! You never wanted to do. You just wanted to blame me.

My Uncle quietly went back to sleep.

You won't believe what happened to me last night. I was coming back from a friend's place around 8:30pm when I saw this beautiful damsel approaching me. She has the beautiful face of Nadia Buari, the sumptuous lips of Yvonne Nelson, the backside like that of Nicki Minaj, the curves were like that of Mercy Johnson. She got the height like that of Angela Okorie, her eyes were as beautiful as that of Ini Edo. She got the forehead of Chidinma, with bumper front package like that of Cossy Orjiakor. She was looking innocent like Genevieve Nnaji. I knew I had to talk to her, it will be the greatest mistake if I allow her pass without me talking to her. So I said, "Hi!". She didn't reply but just smiled. So I continued, "My name is Ofego, I will love to talk to you but I'm in a hurry right now, please can I get your contact so that I can call you for us to meet somewhere?" She smiled again and said, "Okay, esero hate esero, tiri tiri hate, sefun two tiri, noi noi. Is my Hentihen line is that. You want my Gloi line?".
I collasped!

A Lion and Lioness were sitting in their den in the jungle when a Monkey climbed up a nearby tree and started insulting the Lion. The Lioness started to get angry and said, ”King of the jungle, how dare you allow this small monkey to insult you? You must punish him.” The Lion replied, ”You are right, but you know what? I am the king of the jungle and I must not lower myself to his level. I am ignoring him.”
The Lioness, astonished, sat in silence. Yet the monkey kept on insulting the Lion, calling him all kinds of names. After sometime, the Lioness losed her patience. She shouted, ”I cannot allow this any longer. I am going to teach that monkey a lesson.”
So the Lioness chased after the Monkey. After a long chase she found herself out of the jungle and at a construction site. She saw the monkey going through a narrow pipe and leapt in after him. The pipe apparently was not large enough, and the lioness got stuck.
Seeing that the lioness is stuck, the monkey walked around behind her. The monkey made jest of her, saying, ”Who is a bad girl? Who is a bad girl?!!!!” He yelled as he kicked her buttocks anyhow. The monkey continued for a few minutes and then finally left with a big smile on his face.
After a long struggle for an hour, the lioness finally freed herself from the pipe. Injured, and completely embarrassed, she returned home to the jungle to her king. As she got back, the Lion asked, “So how did the chase go?”. The lioness couldn’t look at him. The Lion said, ”Aaaahhhh!!!! He took you to the construction site didn’t he?”.

I paid a visit to the house of one of my friends called Salem. On reaching there, his Mother said, ''Ofego, your friend Salem went out about one hour ago. Would you like to leave a note for him?''. I replied, ''I would have loved to Ma, but all I have is an 100 Naira note my Mother gave me to buy recharge card and I can’t part with it.''

On April 1st this year, that night, My Neighbour's daughter ran to her mother saying, ‘’Mummy, Mummy, the house girl is in her room in bed with a strange man.’’ Her mother ran out of the sitting room to see for herself who the strange man was but as they were almost there, with a mischievous laugh, the daughter said, ‘’April fool! Mummy there is no strange man in this house. It is just Daddy!’’.

Our Landlord came to collect his monthly rent from my daddy. There he met my elder brother who told him, ‘’Sir, my daddy said that you should come back on tuesday.’’ The Landlord said, ‘’But why should I come back on tuesday of all days?’’ My elder brother replied, ‘’I don’t know but we are packing out on monday.’’

[color=#990000][/color] Durapro










Durapro


















Durapro

njuwo:
Ekaitte went to the store to buy a parrot trained in the USA and asks the sales person; "What's so special about this parrot ?" Sales person says: "This parrot is a genius and can answer any question" Ekaitte asks the parrot; "How do I look?" The parrot replies; "You look like a fuckin slut?" Ekaitte gets pissed off and tells the sales person that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it despite it was trained in the USA. The sales person tells Ekaitte to wait for 2 mins... The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says; "if you disrespect the lady out there again i'll soak you back in water" and takes the parrot back to the store. Th sales person apologized to Ekaitte and says she can ask the parrot another question. Ekaitte: "If I come home with one man what would you think?" Parrot: "He's your husband" Ekaitte: "Two men?" Parrot: "Your husband and his brother" Ekaitte: "Three men?" Parrot: "Your husband, his brother and your brother" Ekaitte: "Four men?" At this time the Parrot turns to the Sales person and says: "Bring back the bleeping bucket of water I already told you she's a slut!!!"

abeg no vex say I quote u man I don laugh sotey I come dey cry chai!!

the funniest video ever! I don't know what they were thinking wen this video was made! Watch and crack ur feelings! Lol


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leDmNFC6kxI

runnazz:


abeg no vex say I quote u man I don laugh sotey I come dey cry chai!!

Why i go vex? I no be vexer o! I dey happy say you quote me, you know the last time wey person quote me for this Nairaland?

A Pastor was dying in a hospital and asked the doctor to call a Nigerian Politician and a Contractor. Within minutes, the two appeared. He asked them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor held their hands and kept quiet. The men were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a pastor in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the politician asked, ''But why did you call us?''. The pastor put together all his strength and said, ''Jesus died between two thieves. I want to go the same way.''

A Lawyer named Strange died, and his wife asked the grave builder to inscribe on his grave, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The grave builder insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the grave. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.'' That way, whenever anyone walked by the
grave and read it, they would be certain to remark, "That's Strange!".

from [url] memenaija.com][/url]

I had tried all possible means to succeed in life but to no avail. One day I decided to visit a prophet. The prophet promised to deliver me but I had to pay 15,000 Naira. I went and borrowed the money from my uncle. The next day, I handed over the 15,000 Naira to the prophet. After series of speaking in tongues, The prophet said, “Young man, your mother-in-law is a witch and she is the cause of your problems. Surprised, I replied, “Ahhhh! But I'm not married.” After another round of speaking in tongues, The prophet said, “Error, error, you did not pull your shoes outside.” I went outside and pulled my shoes. The prophet asked, “But do you have a step-mother?”. I replied, “Yes”. After the third round of speaking in tongues, he said, “Yes, yes, yes! Your step-mother covered your destiny inside a pot and hid it under her bed. Go home and break the pot!”. I got angry and pulled off my shirt. “Wait, wait, wait! What is that for?” The prophet asked. Angrily, I replied, “Give me back my 15,000 Naira or else two of us will die here”. The prophet retorted, “Meaning?” I replied, “Because my step-mother died before my father married my mother”.

njuwo:
A teacher asked her pupils, 1+1= ?. One of the pupils stood up and said 4. A man passing by the school's fence heard the reply, he shook his head and said, ''They will kill us in this country! Everything has increased. Transport fare, fuel price, amount of foodstuffs, $1 to Naira, price of drinks, everything! Even 1+1 that used to be 2 has now gone up to 4.

hilarious

njuwo:
Your Facebook Status Updates By 2050.

1. Ouch my back is very painful!!!

2. These gray hairs. WTF!!!

3. My Grandchildren are coming to visit me. Huh! Feels so good!.

4. Anybody with a walking stick, hit my inbox.

5. My youngest daughter is finally married and I'm now lonely in this big house! Anyway, I'm happy for her.

6. Damn! How does my Grandson expect me to chew corn with only three teeth left in my mouth!.

7. WTF! Can't believe my grandson is asking me where I kept my teeth.

So shall it be.

My Uncle and his wife moved into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while eating breakfast, his wife saw her new neighbour through the window hanging clothes outside. "Those clothes are not clean!". She said. "This woman doesn't know how to wash clothes clean. It might even be that she needs a better washing soap". My uncle looked on, but remained silent. Every time the neighbour would hang clothes to dry, my uncle's wife would make the same comments. One month later my uncle's wife was surprised to see through the window nice clean washed clothes on the rope outside and said to her husband, "Look, she has learnt how to wash clothes clean. I wonder who taught her!". My uncle replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

Hmmmmmm............

njuwo:
Three business associates, an Igbo man, a
Yoruba man and a Chinese man, went to eat
lunch together at a restaurant in Surulere.
While in the middle of their meal, a fly came in
through the window. It flew across the table
to where the Igbo man was but he just
waved his hands to chase it away.
The fly then went to where the Yoruba man
was, he also chased it away.
Finally, the fly then went to where the Chinese
man was and was flying close to his ears. The
Chinese man looked at the fly for sometime
and then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and
swallowed it.
The other men saw this but just kept on
eating.
About Five minutes later, another fly came in
and flew to the Yoruba man who just chased
it away again.
It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time
he did not chase the fly, he looked at it for
sometime and then grabbed it. He then
turned to the Chinese man and asked "how
much you go buy am?"

The reason why I am still single today is this. Early 2011, my long time girlfriend Susan who I was engaged to then started pressurizing me to go and see her parents, they are in dying need to see the guy that has stolen their baby's heart and want to spend sometime with him, get to know him, before accepting and approving the marriage contract, that it was a tradition in their family. I spoke to my Mummy about it. She told me not to worry that Uncle Chuks would accompany me that she would speak to him about it. Uncle Chuks was her younger brother. My Mummy called him for a meeting at our place the next day. She spoke to him about it and he agreed. ''So you this small Ofego wants to get married? How time flies!. He exclaimed. Uncle I'm no longer a small boy o!''. I said with pride. ''I'm now a big boy o!''. ''Then that saying should no longer be the young shall grow but the young have grown.'' My Mummy laughed at his reply. ''So this girl, where is she from and where does her parents live?''. He asked. She is from Ndokwa but her parents live in Abuja!''. I replied. ''Eh-en!''. He hummed. Uncle Chuks said we would go on friday morning that week and be back by sunday evening cause he can't afford to miss work, he added we must go with his car and not on public transport. I agreed with him to save my transport fare. I called and informed Susan who was on leave at the office and with her parents in Abuja of my coming, and she was so excited. On the way to Abuja from Warri that friday morning Uncle Chuks started telling me of how he travelled to Uyo to spend time with his wife's people when he was about getting married to her and how he passed the tests his wife's parents who were not free with people laid down for him with the tips he was about giving me. I asked, ''Which tips?''. And he said when I get to Susan's parent's house I should act like a gentleman and eatless of whatever is given to me because I don't know the kind of family Susan's family are. ''But how can I eatless Uncle you of all people know that I'm a glutton. I only stop eating when my tummy is feed up to the brim.'' I said. ''You have to drop that now while we are on the way in order not to disgrace yourself in front of the family of your wife to be.'' My Uncle said. ''But how can I?''. I asked. ''You know Ofego, I am like you in terms of in take of food.'' ''Yes Uncle.'' ''I know''. ''Do you know what saved me when I travelled to spend time with my wife's people before marrying her?''. ''No Uncle!''. ''I took my friend along with me who when I had eaten half of the food they served me he would scratch his head with his right hand which is a sign for me to stop eating. Once I see the sign. I would stop eating immediately. That is what we are going to do there. Once you see me scratching my head with my right hand you should stop eating immediately.'' ''Okay Uncle!''. I said. We arrived Susan's family's house in the night due to the heavy traffic on the way. As we got there we were welcomed with open arms by her parents. Susan introduced me to them and I in turn introduced my uncle, Chuks, to them. They are four in the family, two boys and two girls. Susan was the second. They were all present. We were showed our room and was invited to join the family at the dinning table for a delicious supper of fried rice and chicken. As we ate, the father brought a conversation concerning his club Liverpool on the English Premier League of how his club was going to lift the E.P.L trophy that season. Uncle Chuks is a Liverpool fan too and he joyfully joined in the conversation. One of Susan's brothers was a Chelsea fan while the other a Manchester United fan. They both argued with Susan's father and Uncle Chuks, and the argument ended up in laughs upon laughs while Susan's mother and the girls, Susan and her sister, made fun of them. I had not eaten up to eight spoons when I saw Uncle Chuks right hand scratching his head. I stopped eating. They asked, ''Are you through?''. ''Yes!''. I lied. ''You can't be through only just now, eat more, you've not eaten anything!''. They said. Uncle Chuks joined them in begging me to eat more and I knew that it was all among the plan. So I said my stomach is filled up, that I don't want to visit the toilet and spend my whole night there while others would be sleeping!. They understood and let me be. I watched as Uncle Chuks devoured his food and cleaned the plate. I was so angry with him for stopping me early while he enjoyed his food to the fullest. My stomach hurt. I had not eaten much. Everyone became through with their meal and we said goodnight to each others. I and Uncle Chuks retired to our room. I couldn't sleep, I watched as Uncle Chuks snored away. The hunger kept me awake. I couldn't bear it any longer and woke Uncle Chuks up around twelve midnight. ''I'm hungry!''. I said. ''Why?''. He asked with sleepy eyes. ''Because you stopped me earlier than expected.'' I replied. ''Me, I didn't stop you o, I was only scratching my head because the pepper on the food was much. How can I stop you when this family you want to marry from are free with people. Didn't you see how they played with us. They are not like my wife's family so the plan shouldn't be used here.'' ''Why didn't you tell me?''. I queried. ''I thought you had understood, yourself!''. Uncle Chuks said and went back to sleep and left me and my hungry stomach on our own. As I was thinking on what to do to quench the hunger one mind said to me that there might still be more fried rice left in the kitchen. So that midnight, I climbed down to the kitchen, opened the kitchen door with carefullness and put on the kitchen light. I searched the pots, there was no rice and so I opened the only cooler in the kiitchen and there was rice and a whole lot of chicken inside. ''Thank you Jesus!''. I whispered and picked up a spoon, placed the cooler on the center of the kitchen, put off the light and started eating and singing R.Kelly's sign of victory. It got to a point I threw away the spoon and started eating with my bare hands. My mind was so focused on the food. I dealt with the chicken one after the other mercilessly and ate the rice ruthlessly. As I was eating, the kitchen light was put on. I was shocked. Standing before me was Susan's father, mother, her siblings and Susan herself. Susan is now married with children, while I am still single.

My Boss was walking pass me to his office one morning and said, ''Ofego I need your assistance now in my office. I said, ''Okay sir!''. And ran home and brought Bello. Together, we both joined my boss in his office. My Boss asked, ''Ofego who is this with you? And where did you go?''. I replied, ''Sir you said you needed my assistance na, so I went home to bring him. This is Bello, my assistance house boy.''

Dem say Boko Haram don poison beans after I buy half bag for house. From the one wey I cook, I give my dog, Bingo, make im first test am, 45mins later bingo still dey waka, dey jolly. Na im I
come chop my own. After I don chop finish, my gateman run come
tel me say oga! bingo don die o, hey! I run enter house begin drink full gallon of palm oil for my belle, chop 22
bitter kola wit 3 long bitter leaf stem. I dey think say my life don finish,I come outside. Na im gate man com they tell me say the driver wey kill bingo wan come beg me.
If na u, wetin u go do the gate man

Quarrel Between A Fat Woman And A Thin Woman.

Fat Woman To Thin Woman: You know, you make me wonder whether there was a famine in the place you live.

Thin Woman To Fat Woman: You know, you make me believe that you were the cause of that famine!.

Don’t make a woman cry! There is nothing as expensive as a woman’s tears. When a single drop of tear comes out, it first mixes with L’oreal Eye Liner; 7,500 Naira and Revlon Mascara; 8,500 Naira, then when it rolls down the cheek it mixes with Estee Lauder Foundation; 11,000 Naira. Zaron Blush; 15,000 Naira, and Mac Powder; 19,000 Naira. Then, finally, when it touches the lips, it gets mixed with Maybelline Lipstick; 12,000 Naira and Avonlip Gloss; 5,000 Naira. A single drop of a woman’s tear is running for about 78,000 Naira, so please, don't make her cry. But you can make a man cry, it is only Vaseline; 150 Naira and Powder; 200 Naira. Total for men; 350 Naira.

A guy took his new girlfriend to a restaurant for dinner. On getting there, the guy requested for akpu and banga soup, while the girl requested for eba and egusi soup. The girl had eaten half of her food and started shouting, "What kind of food is this? It's too salty and testing like a spoiled food." The girl was just emphasizing on spoiled food, spoiled food. As she was shouting, everybody including her boyfriend and the woman that owns the restaurant started begging her to take it easy. The boyfriend became ashamed, they both left the restaurant. As they were going home, she told her boyfriend that she had forgotten her phone in the restaurant. The boyfriend waited for her to go and pick it up. When she got to the restaurant, she said, "Madam, please that my eba and egusi soup I didn't finish, please put them on a nylon bag for me. My younger ones have not eaten since four days now. That forming I did, I just did it because of my boyfriend, don't be angry I was just pretending." The woman gave her four more eba and enough egusi soup, and started staring at her. She collected it and put it inside her hand bag. As she was going, the woman called her back and told her that the young man that she came with is not just a customer but her second son.

Njuwo ofego..you no dey tire?

Optimall:
Njuwo ofego..you no dey tire?

Tire for wetin? Wey comedy be my calling. You don jam pastor wey preaching na him calling wey kor tire to preach?