McSquishi:
Blaming society is a cop out. Society doesn't have strings attached to us forcing us to do things. Everyone is free to make decisions for themselves. Of course we are influenced by society in varying degrees depending on disposition. But being so weak as to enter a relationship you didn't want to be in and once in it go outside of it w/out your partner's knowledge... yeah, one can say "society is to blame" but that's an immature response from someone who refuses to learn life lessons and abdicates responsibility at every turn.

When the act is cheating, the person who was cheated on is always the victim of that act. It doesn't mean they are faultless or perfect spouses, but they are the victim of being cheated on. If someone is murdered they could have been a crappy person who was talking sht seconds before being killed, but they are still the victim of the act of murder.

Don't you think murderers, rapists, psychopaths and the rest should get a free pass too. You can't really blame them, let's blame their environments

Mindfulness:

It is true now

ronald4lif:


If all pointers indicate it wasn't done out of spite and retribution then of course there would be room for reconciliation. I'm not that rigid and understand some action can be done without control.

But then again, it will linger in my heart for a long time, so long very much of a time for the thoughts to disappear which might affect our relationship that it may be better we split.

That's a bit ironic. I would think the "out of spite" cheater would be more forgivable than the "out of control" cheater. Fascinating, tho.

daretodiffer:


It is true now

It is.

daretodiffer:


Don't you think murderers, rapists, psychopaths and the rest should get a free pass too. You can't really blame them, let's blame their environments

So cheaters are now thrown in one basket with murderers, rapists and psychopaths?

By the way, I don't know where you people read that people cannot be blamed for cheating. They are not only being blamed, they are being crucified on this thread.

EfemenaXY:


How vindictive can your payback be?

Extremely vindictive!

Mindfulness:


So cheaters are now thrown in one basket with murderers, rapists and psychopaths?

By the way, I don't know where you people read that people cannot be blamed for cheating. They are not only being blamed, they are being crucified on this thread.

Cheaters blame the society. A paedophile who have been abused too. Psychopaths could also blame the society that failed to do its job.

In fact, society is quite a stretch. What about psychology. We can use that too

daretodiffer:


Cheaters blame the society. A paedophile who have been abused too. Psychopaths could also blame the society that failed to do its job.

In fact, society is quite a stretch. What about psychology. We can use that too

Having an explanation for something is not the same as having an excuse for something. And even courts consider someone's life experience and psychological state in the finding of the verdict. It does not mean that personal responsibility is neglected.

Mindfulness:


Having an explanation for something is not the same as having an excuse for something. And even courts consider someone's life experience and psychological state in the finding of the verdict. It does not mean that personal responsibility is neglected.

I know but explanation can be quite compelling and can also be used to limit liability. Personal responsibility should come first biko.

daretodiffer:


I don't think that is really the issue here. I am likewise the same however I welcome both negatives and positives, they are part of what makes me human.

The issue is why would a Nigerian man find out difficult to forgive his cheating wife. If it is true that sex does not equate to love, then a man who believes that his action is not a betrayal of his love for his spouse, must also be smart enough to know that his wife's cheating would have no impact on her love for him.

Women have also been cheating from time immemorial and they still do. Women that do not cheat do so because of other factors which they give considerable importance to. It does not mean that they do not desire or appreciate other men. There are several cheating married women out there who would give up everything they have for their families.

So you know, the BS about powerful men and infidelity as also been proven to be true for powerful women. This is the 21st century. It is either we (men and women)/accept that fornication or polygamy(in most cases) is not ideal or men STFU and let women do their thing.

High five!
Don't mind them jare, they will sleep around wt anything in skirt not stopping for once to put themselves in their partner's shoe, but cry foul when they are paid in same coin, so it's only the man tht deserves faithfulness in marriage while the woman has to smile and endure all his bullshit. Bunch of hypocrites

I can't believe people are still arguing page upon page of why infidelity should be tolerated.
The summary of the whole thing is: if you are a xtian or muslim and you want to justify adultery with any excuse at all then you need to get your head checked.
If you are a juju worshipper or atheist and you want to justify it then please state your beliefs before presenting your case so people know where you are coming from.
Unfollowing this useless thread that contains arguments that justify immorality and discarding self control.
God forbid.
Tufiakwa.
*spits*

fellis:
I can't believe people are still arguing page upon page of why infidelity should be tolerated.
The summary of the whole thing is: if you are a xtian or muslim and you want to justify adultery with any excuse at all then you need to get your head checked.
If you are a juju worshipper or atheist and you want to justify it then please state your beliefs before presenting your case so people know where you are coming from.
Unfollowing this useless thread that contains arguments justifying immorality and discarding self control.
God forbid.
Tufiakwa.
*spits*

So before I comment on any thread I have to state whether I am a Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Jew or Hindu?

You religious folks need to re-examine your holiness. You use your religion as it fits you. Cheating is so immoral but spitting is Godly, aight?

Anyone who cheats on their spouse regularly is a bad person. 1 or 2 times we can call it a mistake after that it's a choice. Choosing to do something consistently when you know it hurts your spouse( the one you claim to love ) makes you a bad person. If you have no problem with huting someone you made a vow to and you say you love you have real problems.

daretodiffer:


Wayo!

Don't worry you won't know

I'm hypocritical and selfish, yea I know. But humans are all selfish.

Mindfulness:


Keep your religion to yourself please when you are talking to me because I don't share your religious views.

I am not discussing religion with, I m discussing God and his principles, except if you dont believe in God and if so, our discussion here is meaningless. It is only a fool that believe there is no God.

ronald4lif:


I'm hypocritical and selfish, yea I know. But humans are all selfish.

;DD

I hope you tell her this before marriage

HaneefahRN:

High five!
Don't mind them jare, they will sleep around wt anything in skirt not stopping for once to put themselves in their partner's shoe, but cry foul when they are paid in same coin, so it's only the man tht deserves faithfulness in marriage while the woman has to smile and endure all his bullshit. Bunch of hypocrites

She is not human. She is superhuman

bjcole:


I am not discussing religion with, I m discussing God and his principles, except if you dont believe in God and if so, our discussion here is meaningless. It is only a fool that believe there is no God.

You believe in someone who you have never seen and think you're smart then consider a person who's rational enough not to believe in a white bearded fellow who no one has ever seen foolish? You're really smart. NOT!

daretodiffer:


She is not human. She is superhuman

Lolz, abi o. Later they'll come around and call a woman the weaker sex. The emotional and psychological trauma some women go thru in the hands of insensitive husbands can't be endured by many men. U will see a man doing a particular bad thing to his wife go crazy when tht same thing is done to his sister or daughter, forgetting he is also doing it to someoneelse's daughter.

daretodiffer:


She is not human. She is superhuman

Lolz, abi o. Later they'll come around and call a woman the weaker sex. The emotional and psychological trauma some women go thru in the hands of insensitive husbands can't be endured by many men. U will see a man doing a particular bad thing to his wife go crazy when tht same thing is done to his sister or daughter, forgetting he is also doing it to someoneelse's daughter. Life wld never be a better place until we start putting ourselves into other pple's shoes b4 doing things.

daretodiffer:


;DD

I hope you tell her this before marriage

fellis:




Extremely vindictive!

Lol!

Details?

bjcole:


I am not discussing religion with, I m discussing God and his principles, except if you dont believe in God and if so, our discussion here is meaningless. It is only a fool that believe there is no God.

How do you know God's principles? Don't answer, it is a rhetorical question. So please don't tell me your religious views were not part of the discussion.

Fanirandele:
Anyone who cheats on their spouse regularly is a bad person. 1 or 2 times we can call it a mistake after that it's a choice. Choosing to do something consistently when you know it hurts your spouse( the one you claim to love ) makes you a bad person. If you have no problem with huting someone you made a vow to and you say you love you have real problems.

And what if they no longer love their spouse?

HaneefahRN:

Lolz, abi o. Later they'll come around and call a woman the weaker sex. The emotional and psychological trauma some women go thru in the hands of insensitive husbands can't be endured by many men. U will see a man doing a particular bad thing to his wife go crazy when tht same thing is done to his sister or daughter, forgetting he is also doing it to someoneelse's daughter. Life wld never be a better place until we start putting ourselves into other pple's shoes b4 doing things.

The question is why some women endure emotional and psychological trauma in the hands of their husbands?

Mindfulness:


This is my favorite topic.

Mediation is the magic word in this context. Learn to quiet your mind first. This will enable you to control your thoughts in the next step and it is important because your thoughts determine your mood. Once you have learned to quiet your mind and control your thoughts, you will think in a way that feels good to you and this will determine your mood.

I can't live without meditation. I do it every day for 15-30 minutes. It is very easy. Sit down comfortably, set an alarm clock and pay attention to your breathing. Your mind will wander off again and again. This is normal and ok, especially in the beginning. Each time you notice it has wandered off, bring your attention back to your breathing. You will notice that you relax when you quiet your mind and life will become much easier. Pay attention to the moments where thoughts are absent. It is sensational.

It is a beautiful journey and extremely empowering.

Mediation. Nice one.

But what if the source of one's disquiet is right before them?

Would mediation work? Or rather taking one's self away from the source of distraction?

Mindfulness:


I used to be very jealous when i was a little bit younger. I discovered that it was fear of abandonment and also some self-esteem issues I was having as young woman, which most young women have. I no longer suffer from the fear of abandonment and I am extremely self-confident, even to the point that people say I am a bit narcissistic and I sort of am so no I do not feel jealous anymore at all. It is a thing of the past. However, it was jealousy among other things that helped me become who I am today. Jealousy is not a nice feeling, it is nagging and poisonous, not only to the person feeling it but to relationships in general and I decided to get rid of it. And as with all things that I set my mind to accomplish, I succeeded and life has become much easier this way. I am now able to enjoy relationships in a way I was not able to before.

Well done. That's great and I'm certainly happy for you

I feel my self-confidence is healthy. With me, it's more a question of possession, which probably isn't a good thing in itself, but something I personally feel would be indicative of severely dampened feelings for the object of my affection if ever found wanting, or absent. And even then, I'm not quite sure I'd react 'favorably', simply as a matter of principle. At the same time, as I said, I highly doubt complete monogamy is 100% sustainable on either end so I'm not entirely sure how that'd play out.

One of my bf's seems to think I'd not be good at handling it on the premise that I haven't experienced being dumped before, but I don't think that experience, i.e, one of heartbreak, embodies a deeper level of feeling like he does, or has anything to do with anything at all, really. Besides, I have experienced immense loss (death). Anyway, I'm pretty good at getting out of situations I dont feel are worthy of my time and input. And this is gonna sound really f'd up, but most people are generally disposable.

To expantiate on that, I believe that if your ideas, values and outlook aren't complimentary, there should be no forcing it and that it's better to back out right then and there than weather unnecessary storms on uncertain terms for questionable persons. It's something that's worked for me thus far. So, to willingly release to just anyone the one person who compliments me to the extent that I would marry said person is something I'm not yet happy to contemplate. Despite logic. And despite everything I know to be true. But I know I should. I know I may even want to at some point.

EfemenaXY:


Mediation. Nice one.

But what if the source of one's disquiet is right before them?

Would mediation work? Or rather taking one's self away from the source of distraction?

If you can, remove yourself from situations and people who don't make you feel good. This is the best you can do. However, there are situations in which it is not possible.

Mindfulness:


If you can, remove yourself from situations and people who don't make you feel good. This is the best you can do. However, there are situations in which it is not possible.

Precisely.

So what do you do then?

Mindfulness:


And what if they no longer love their spouse?

Then leave the marriage and feel free to sleep with as many people as you like. Alternatively you can discuss with your spouse straight up and let him/ her know you are no longer in love but you don't mind staying married for the companionship if the person does not mind you stepping out every now and then. If the woman or man has a low enough self esteem and wants to stay married regardless then good luck to you both or maybe the spouse also wants to get their groove on outside lol. People have open marriages ( can't do it but to each his own) , deception is what I can't stand

EnlightenedSoul:


Well done. I'm certainly happy for you.

I feel my self-confidence is healthy. With me, it's more a question of possession, which probably isn't a good thing in itself, but something I personally feel would be indicative of severely dampened feelings for the object of my affection if ever found wanting, or absent. And even then, I'm not quite sure I'd react favorably, simply as a matter of principle. At the same time, as I said, I highly doubt complete monogamy is 100% sustainable on either end so I'm not entirely sure how that'd play out.

One of my bf's seems to think I'd not be good at handling it on the premise that I haven't experienced being dumped before, but I don't think that experience, i.e, one of heartbreak, embodies a deeper level of feeling like he does, or has anything to do with anything at all, really. Besides, I have experienced immense loss (death). Anyway, I'm pretty good at getting out of situations I dont feel are worthy of my time and input. And this is gonna sound really f'd up, but most people are generally disposable.

I believe that if your ideas, values and outlook aren't complimentary, there should be no forcing it and that it's better to back out right then and there than weather unnecessary storms on uncertain terms for questionable persons. It's something that's worked for me thus far. So, to willingly release to just anyone the one person who compliments me to the extent that I would marry said person is something I'm not yet happy to contemplate. Despite logic. And despite everything I know to be true. But I know I should. I know I may even want to at some point.

@bold

It doesn't sound f'd up to me. It is true and this is another reason why I do not feel any jealousy any longer.

EfemenaXY:


Precisely.

So what do you do then?

I focus on what I like about the other person (everyone has something nice about them, you need to find it) but you need to train your focus first or else you get worked up, frustrated and more aggressive / hostile (whatever) towards the person. You need to be in full control of your mind to be able to focus and to focus effectively.

Can you give an example maybe without revealing too much of your private life?