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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate (2814 Views)
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Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Ifemelu80: 11:00am On Jun 13, 2016 |
Hi people, I got pregnant with a man I used to be friend with (for 3 years) and dated for 3 more years before getting engaged. We were planning our wedding, had just done sickle cell and HIV screening, and stopped using condoms when the pregnancy happened. We were talking about having a baby right after the wedding so when I found out, I was just like, no big deal. It’s a little sooner than we thought but it’s ok. I was so shocked when I told him about the pregnancy! He said point bluntly: I’m not ready, you must get rid of it or you’ll deal with it on your own. He never gave me any explanation for this “change of heart”. His reaction felt like treason. How could he do that to me? I was so hurt and scared, but I could not imagine getting an abortion. So I told him I was keeping the baby and he went MIA. I decided to do it without him and never ask him for anything but my family and friends told me that was misplaced pride and that I had to make him accountable for my son’s sake. I now agree with them. The most hurtful part is to look at my son’s birth certificate and see that awful mention “Father: unknown” I reluctantly reached out to him 4 times before and after birth to give him news, photos etc. He never answered. So I told him 2 months ago that I was about to sue him for child support. For the first time in 14 months, he called me back and said that we should try to figure this out, out of court. He said that we should meet and talk. I had to push hard to get a RDV. We sat and talked. He said he needed time to process and that he needed to see the baby before any further step. It’s been 2 months now. He sends a message twice a month to ask if we’re ok and that’s it. He’s not taking any action to see his son or do the paperwork. Now I’m moving forward with the child support process but I’m still struggling with the situation. I just can’t comprehend what happened. How can a grown ass man, with a good situation, a stable relationships of years, who committed to a woman, told her he wanted a family with her, took steps to make that family a reality, knowingly had unprotected sex with her act like this ? But above all, how can he be out there, knowing that he has a son he has never seen, turning his back to him like this? What’s his end game? We are in the same professional and social circle. He can’t run away or avoid me. He knows that sooner or later, everyone in his entourage will know about the situation, he knows that I won’t let go of my demands. So why is he wasting time instead of tackling the situation right away? Can you people help me find some clarity? |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Onegai(f): 11:32am On Jun 13, 2016 |
Please move on. None of us know the answers and the answers you may get from even him may not please you or make sense to you. He doesn't want this child in his life. At least you know this, so start making plans and move on. Because if you keep chasing him for answers and querying, you'll just get angry and bitter the more he drags his feet. And your son needs a loving parent right now. If you're not in Nigeria and can get child support, please do. When he does eventually show up wanting to see his son, feel free to bill him for every year he missed paying for his responsibilities before he gets access. 6 Likes |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Nobody: 11:41am On Jun 13, 2016 |
If you reside in nigeria, theres nothing u can do except take care of yur baby yourself. Courts in nigeria do not enforce issues like what u have on.. Its unfortunate uv entered one chance. Before getting pregnant always make sure, he has gone to see your people and actually done proper engagement and marriage date fixed. And make sure, he truly wants a baby early in the marriage... Dont assume he wants.. Well its late already... U have to paddle this boat alone with yur child. 1 Like |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Ifemelu80: 12:00pm On Jun 13, 2016 |
@Amelian: Has you said, it's late but for thé record: 1- i dont regret one bit having my little boy in my life 2- he went to see my family and we were planning our wedding 3- i did not assume anything. He said multiple times: i want a baby, let's do blood work so we can start TTC That's the very reason why i'm so puzzled If i had any doubt about his commitment back then, i would not be sitting here wondering |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Ifemelu80: 12:05pm On Jun 13, 2016 |
@Onegai, thank God, we live in a country where i can file for child support and a paternity suit I know i need to let it go but i'm not just in need of a "closure". It's more about my son. I need to make a sense of all this mess, find an explaination he can comprehend and live with ![]() 2 Likes |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by keepingmum: 12:09pm On Jun 13, 2016 |
Thank God you live in a country where you can file for child support. Go ahead with you application for support. When he starts paying for CSA or its deducted from his earnings involuntarily he will be forced to be involved in his child's life. It will come natural. However for the time being, focus on other things and dont dwell on getting closure from him. Morally he owes you an explanation, legally he doesnt. What he is legally obligated to do is to look after his child whether he chooses to be part of the childs life or not. He also does not have to be physically involved with his child in order to be financially responsible so move on please and stop dwelling on this. When the child is old enough, he can ask his dad those questions 2 Likes |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Nobody: 12:57pm On Jun 13, 2016 |
Ifemelu80: Then meet up with his family... You should have told his family , as soon as u realised you are pregnant. I bet they will be able to bring him back to his senses.. Especially his mum.. Meet up with her. And if the parents are not forthcoming. Sue his azz for child support. |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by thorpido(m): 2:05pm On Jun 13, 2016 |
I guess you live abroad.Go ahead and sue him for child support.He should be financially responsible in your child's life. As per trying to get an explanation for his behaviour,you may not get a reasonable one.There are men who develop cold feet the moment they hear,'I've missed my period'.Some will show up after some time and others just turn their backs forever. *I can't emphasise it enough.Single girls,learn to take responsibility for your life-sexual life especially.That a man says he loves you and even wants to start a family with you is not good enough reason to remove your 'burglary proof'.He could change his mind at any moment and then you start to hear,'men are devils'. Get families involved most especially when the relationship has marriage on the table.Visit them and be part of the family.Don't just be their son's visitor! I encourage pre-marital counselling too.It helps put a proper foundation. Don't stress yourself Op,trying to get him involved with his son.When your son is of age and asks for his father,just tell him he left,simple.Sons have a way of looking for their dads.Make something out of your life.Build your career and increase your earning power.Take care of your son and raise him well. I don't know how it's done where you are but in Naija,the father doesn't need to be present or sign any paper to have his name on the birth certificate. 10 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Nobody: 4:02pm On Jun 13, 2016 |
Awww sorry for your pain. @Ifemelu80 What demands won't you let go of? |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by sisisioge: 5:10pm On Jun 13, 2016 |
Sweetheart, its not gonna be easy taking care of your son and explaining to him why his daddy is AWOL. Pls transfer some of the stress to him too by pushing for the child support. No look him face, guy dey craaaze! Trust me, daddy and son will forgive each other after you have tilled the land alone. 1 Like |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Ifemelu80: 10:50pm On Jun 13, 2016 |
@thorpido: where we live, the father needs to be there or to give his ID and a proxy form @andromida: i can't let go of the paternity suit. He doesn't want my son in his life but i don't want my son to grow up with the "bastard" label stamped all over him I was initialy reluctant about the child support but i'm not eternal. What if anything happens to me ? My family would be there but why should they carry the financial burden when he has more than enough to do it ? @sisisioge: that's exactly what i'm intending to do He won't come around. I've seen the real him now. He's mean and selfish enough to turn his back forever. I'm not expecting anything on that Matter. I'm just trying to secure my son's future and i hope he won't miss a father to much 1 Like |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by babynatoday: 12:43am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Go ahead and file for child support, I mean there's no big deal. Since he is acting like a child. That innocent child has needs that you two(his parents)have to meet. It's good thing you didnt end up marrying him. Imagine greater and worse surprises that you would have encountered. Though this is a one sided story sha oh |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Nobody: 7:17am On Jun 14, 2016 |
I'm really sorry to read what you are going through and I do really feel for you I've seem many flavours of these types of these events from both sides and many times the guy is not ready/doesn't want to be married/scared of commitment/immature/deep down knows he is not with the right woman/previous childhood or relationship hurt/issues but is too lazy to end the relationship due to family, peer or societal pressure so he he just goes along with the motions but deep down he doesn't want to be there. Because the guy is giving out mixed signals, sometimes the lady misinterprets his actions and words. It seems your guy was just going along and didn't really want to be a husband or father at that point. Your cutting him off now gave him an excuse to stay away. If you ask him now he will say lagbaja told me not to come. I could sit here all day and slag him off, but he is not here to read it and I don't have his time. He has acted cowardly and very inmature and unfairly and sincerely if you had married him, he doesn't sound like someone who would have your back through thick and thin. My only concern is the fact that he is asking to see the baby first before he commits. Usually If a man doesn't want the mother, he will still put his name on the birth certificate and still provide financially without needing to have a relationship with the mother. Its strange that he has totally turned his back against both of you without even seeing the baby. Is he OK emotionally/mentally? When you met him to talk, apart from asking for child support, did you talk about why he left and what his plans are? I know that its closure that you are looking for and you will probably be able to deal with this better if at least you knew what really went wrong but the truth is that you may never know. Moving on, file for child support as that is your child's right, do the DNA and everything that needs to be done so that his name in on your child's BC, if you are going to do so then do it now so that your child has the correct surname before he goes to school and it wont need to be changed later. Leave the door just wide open enough such that he has access to his kid if and when he comes back to his senses, but guard the door to your heart very well. Dont let anyone mess you around. These men have a way of repeatedly keeping their baby mommas hanging while they enjoy the best of both worlds. Dont fall for that please. It has to be all or none. Live your life and make yourself and your baby happy. Life happens my dear All the best (hugs) 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Ifemelu80: 7:34am On Jun 14, 2016 |
@babynatoday: I also think I've dodge the bullet But as you say, this is a one sided story and I know a lot of people will blame me for either being too loose (getting pregnant before mariage) or doing something that triggered his reaction |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Nobody: 8:30am On Jun 14, 2016 |
Ifemelu80:Actually I don't and I can tell you first hand how irresponsible men are, because your story reminded me of someone close and dear to me: She had a boyfriend she got pregnant for, and the boy came to do the introduction ,I was there sef and you know atr and drank with them hoping the best, 3 years after or even more I was under the impression they were a Mr and Mrs only for me to hear they are not married, why because he said he doesn't have r money, and the Babe was like you don't need cash for a simple court marriage, I don't even think she was interested in the big wedding event, even till now as we speak the dude got cash now but rather than spend on the kids and the mother, he spends it buying high end phones and gadgets, she was telling me all these , I was just shocked that men can be this irresponsible. At first I decided to hear other views because I assumed ita just her side I heard, and other niggers confirmed it too. Really there are alot of useless men around, sadly am not matured enough to say this is what you should do, as this matter is a big one, but all I know is that the guy will one day regret it and I hope it does. |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Ifemelu80: 11:00pm On Jun 14, 2016 |
tearoses: |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Ifemelu80: 11:11pm On Jun 14, 2016 |
Amelian: He lost both his parents ![]() Anyway, i met the rest of the family back home (uncles, aunts, brothers and sisters...) Since they're all back home, i did not reach out before but i'm planning a trip in august, God wiling. I'll go meet with his family but only to let them know about the baby. Regarding his behaviour, i'm done trying to understand and fix it. The sooner i will get over having him involved in my son's life, the better prepared i will be to raise him alone. 1 Like |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Nobody: 8:18am On Jun 15, 2016 |
It is well Stay strong and do the best you can for your son May God be with you both ![]() TV01, nashville and Bellong pls can you offer some advise As guys you know how the mans brain thinks better than I do. Ifemelu Hope you dont mind me CC'ng them. They are wise and family men. |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Nobody: 9:57am On Jun 15, 2016 |
Ifemelu80: Yes yes yes go for the paternity suit. If a man needs the law to make him responsible you know the quality of man you are dealing with. When you said demands I thought you might be asking him to come be a father to his child good to see you already know you can't force him to be a father if he does not want to be. Do your best and your son will grow up right yes its ideal to have a father but the reality you are dealing with is one where the father wants to distance himself from you and your bundle of joy,you must not let anyone rob you of your joy many men had fathers and they haven't turned out to be model adults or citizens so its not always about having a father its about raising him right. I wish you strength, courage, and everything you need to move through the devastation you have experienced and make life more as you move on with your beautiful life. |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by TV01(m): 6:21pm On Jun 15, 2016 |
tearoses:Ah! Not all men are cut from the same £250 per yard material of awon Baba Bellong and Big Daddy Nashville 0 ![]() Paternal responsibility is obviously a big issue here, but it seems the OP to some degree hopes for restoration, or at least closure, and one can hardly fault her. I'll post - wrongly I know - on the assumption that her account is true, and she is blameless. How do you account for a 3 year friendship, 3 year engagement, family introductions and wedding preparations well underway, with what we've heard narrated by the OP? After all, it doesn't sound like your typical western "engagement today, marriage in 3/4 years while we save" scenario does it? Long/short, my best guess would be "he met someone else" - if there hadn't been someone he'd been invested in before, or since he met you all along. Whatever the case, fact remains, for some reason, he no longer wants what you'd seemingly both voluntarily and jointly agreed? Perhaps you'll eventually get wind if you still mix in the same social/professional circles? Cold feet? Possibly, but you could have been in exactly the same position a short while later - after marriage. Cold feet, would suggest an unserious and/or unstable man, and after 6 years you must have seen signs of that. Or even heard something - again, being in the same circles I wonder why the rush to have a baby? Are you quite mature? Is he?, Is he younger? Is there any unresolved issue from his upbringing or trauma from the loss of his parents? Why the insistence on seeing the baby before proceeding? If there are no doubts around paternity, what is he hoping to find, or thinking that might trigger? So many questions. Whatever the case, emotionally, it must be extremely hard for OP. How does one move on, or learn to trust again with such huge questions lingering? I'll come to that later. There was no joining, so technically, what is in view here is the well-being of the child. I would exhort you to not let your feelings becloud how you approach this - easier to ask than to do, I fully realize. Let him know that he has a responsibility to be a part of the child's life - both physically and materially. Let him know you are willing for you both to reach accommodation without recourse to the courts. Although if he is as described, it may be best to have support settled via the family courts. Your call, but it could impact how cordial your relationship is and his seeing the child. Be the best mother you can be in the circumstances, and encourage & support his being the best father. For you both it means putting the child first. Seems like you've set the ball rolling in some ways, but be sure to spell out clear expectations around time-frames, and what will happen if he does not wholeheartedly discuss, agree, and commit. If you are harboring hopes of restoration, please don't try and force or guilt him into it. Let him see you as being that best mother to his child. Be cordial, be pleasant. Don't simper, be difficult or make exaggerated/unrealistic demands. Perhaps he will see the error of his ways/grow/wise up. Even then, I'd say don't shut down other options, we don't know why he bolted, or if he'll come to his senses. All the best. Congratulations on your son. Hope he grows up to do you proud. TV For the wanna wed ladies. Consummate your union after the wedding, not before. If he talks commitment, let him demonstrate it fully. And makes sure the vision - long-term - is his, or both of yours, not one you foisted on him. I speak as to believers in Christ. 4 Likes |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Ifemelu80: 9:49pm On Jun 15, 2016 |
thanks so much for your input ![]() TV01: |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by bellong: 11:11pm On Jun 15, 2016 |
I will respond when I am free @tearoses |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by baby124: 2:02am On Jun 16, 2016 |
Don't even bother about closure. Such people have no explanation for what they do. They most likely are faulty. Sorry to generalize but if you check well, he never had a strong male figure in his life. He probably lost it when he realized he will have to be a man and father to a son. He will have to be a male figure he never had. Just sue him to court and take everything through legal redress. Please assess him well before leaving your child alone with him, as I am very wary of people that can turn their backs on their own flesh and blood. Such people are not mentally all there. If he is dragging feet, force a DNA test through the courts which you will have as proof as to who fathered your child. Stop paying him attention and move on with your life. It is ok to go and see his family, but please don't go there trying to convince them to accept you or your child, as they may just be as bad as him. Life happens to us all, so be proud you are a mother of a healthy child and raise him to be a better man. Goodluck to you! Sorry for such an ordeal. It is well. |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by Nobody: 7:22am On Jun 16, 2016 |
Thanks Bro TV01 & Bellong Awon chewing gum gods nko? DO they still accept N or have they upgraded to $ |
Re: Baby Daddy Refuses To See The Baby And Sign his Birth Certificate by bellong: 11:33am On Jun 18, 2016 |
tearoses: ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() You want to be in debt of heavy sacrifice for calling the gods chewing gum... The gods accept all major and some minor currencies.. ![]() ![]() How are you and family? @OP, I have read the submissions of others, I believe you have been given enough counsel moving forward. I will only add very little information to what has been said. I really do not know why he acted the way he did, probably cold feet or never loved you from the onset. Were you the envy of guys in his circle? He probably never loved you from the beginning. Peradventure he had a bet with people to hook you... Disregard my wild imaginations. I agree with you that the child is entitled to have someone he knows as daddy even if he can't be a father. If it requires that you use the law to make him sign the certificate, by all means do it. However, I don't think you have to force him to be involved in the life of the child. If he doesn't let him be lest he puts negativity in his life. You have the law at your disposal to make him contribute finto his upbringing. You need to move on and find a closure in your heart about him. He will never tell you why he did what he did because he doesn't have any convincing and genuine reason for what he did. Going forward, now you understand why the bible instructs that marriage be honorable and the bed undefiled. It is to prevent situations like this and keep people sane as well as free from soul ties. In your next relationship, I believe you know better how to handle it. The fact that a guy is planning marriage with you or has introduction doesn't mean he will conclude it. I know of a person who did introduction with 8 ladies, I don't know if he has eventually marry.. I pray that you find peace and your eyes be opened to the truth... It is well with you. |
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