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My Marriage; A Blessing Or A Curse. Please Advice / ‘My Wife Is Killing Me With Having Too Many Children, She Bears Them Like Rats’ / My Neighbour Is About To Kill His Wife!! Please Advice. (urgent) (2) (3) (4)
Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by 14sixty: 6:49pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
Hi Everyone, I brought this here because I need the advice of matured minds and preferably christians... Kindly read through pls, pls pardon my blunders too (i created this new acct to be anonymous). I am 21,with a 4year old child. Am in a dilemma now and am so confused and scared for myself. I met my baby daddy when I was 15 (he was 21) i was just finishing waec then and started living with him at 16 (in his parents house). Lost my mom and sis when I was age 11&12 respectively. My dad had another wife so it was impossible living with him then. I got preggy 3months after I moved in with my baby daddy (he is my only body count till date). Well, even though he is caring (helps with chores and our child) but has serious trust and insecurity issues and am scared he will only grow worse having lived with him for 5years now (). I know deep down I dont love him. I was only acting on my hormones then but the teenage shakara ended after I had my child and I realised what I have gotten myself into and the responsibility of being a mother I had on my hands. I hated myself because he also started maltreating me (slut-shaming, peeing and defeacating in a bucket in the room( stopped this after having my baby), am always at his mercy cos i have nowhere to go, he became overprotective and got to a stage he raised his hands on me a few times). He later apologised (and his family will say am suffering for my child, i should endure that evryman has his own baggage - i.e, bad attitude) but after giving him sex and all lovey-dovey he'll start again (I dont go to church, I dont go out at all, and I cant even talk to certain people because he'll get angry). I want to leave with my child, I want to start life afresh, I have my aspirations and I want to pursue them. I have zeroed out marriage from my plans cos I cant stand my child being maltreated. Now the issue is ever since I had my daughter, I became closer to God and I realised what I did was wrong (left home to co-habit and fornicated). It is eating me deep and i beg for mercy daily so that i can do the will of God for me(i have fasted nd pray but i know this sin is what is holding my prayers back) but my baby daddy doesnt see anything wrong in the fact that what we are practising is a sin (to him, aslong as he is having a good sex he doesnt care). I pretend during sex and am even tempted to curse him in my mind while he is at it (now he has also made me addicted to porn (no porn no libido for me), cos he wants crazy sex). I have begged him to let me go but he'll involve his family (they think i am an ingrate for wanting to leave) and they will say i cant take their child away either. Am at his mercy because he knows i try to avoid us fighting in front of our child and for the fact that he knows i have nowhere to go. Aside the sex issue, i feel empty, i feel alone, i feel like am wasting away, i always cry (not in front of my child). Even when am bathing and i look at my body i only feel like a sex object (cos that is my baby daddy definition of love i cant say NO when he wants sex cos it always ends up in a fight and i dont want my child to see us quarelling ). I cant make my personal decisions because he is so insecured (he thinks and accuse me of cheating most times). The house is a bungalow with gate( we live alone with his mom) and now it has gotten to a stage where i cant even walk around the compound (after been banned from going out of the gate) because he thinks we would be harmed or i will sleep with the next guy on the street (its making me lose my sanity, been depressed and suicidal for a while now). The both of us cant boast of anything positive in our lives except our child, we are stagnant and he doesnt care. Our child is cared for by his family. He wants another child but i know i dont and i keep playing him to think i just want us to make money so that he wont cum inside me. I feel all we are going through is a result of our sins (because now we know its wrong and we are still at it). I have a plan to push him to make some money for himself (cos he is always quick to say i ruined his life forgetting i also wasted my time with him) and leave him but pls, is my decision right? Considering the fact that we were never married... I want to return to God, raise my child in the ways of God (everything my child knows abt God is learnt in school, sometimes she tells me her classmates talks about going to church and i feel sad). I want to raise some money myself enough to rent accomodation for my child and myself. But, i just need your biblical views of my action(past&present)... A large part of me feels i will find peace if i walk away and return to the feets of Jesus... And a smaller part feels i will be lonely (like popping up marrriage and relationships issues in me) which i dont care abt aslong as i know am pleasing God with my daily living. But i just dont want to continue in this sin and i dont love him either (peer pressure pushed me into this relationship). Pls y'all should help me state your views and if anyone has been in similar situation as mine kindly tell me what you did. Cc: TV01 OLAADEGBU Cococandy Dyt Mindfulness Kingebukasblog 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Nobody: 6:53pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
Wow! This is heart breaking and complicated! The fact that his mother sees all these anomalies and she's not even saying anything, beats my imagination! And to think that you've been with him for 5 years without loving him..........damn, what were you thinking? Thank God you've come to your senses and chosen to do what will please God. You should be smart and careful about leaving him, cos that guy is over possessive.......he might harm you badly You need to equip yourself, either with education or a skill, so as to be independent. I don't even know how you'll do this cos he won't even let you out! My dear, carry ya pikin and run for ya life! Go back to ya papa and apologize! Kneel down, cry and beg him. He will accept you! |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by alegbeleye(m): 6:57pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
Cooked story. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by DesChyko: 7:01pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
There is no Nigerian law that ties a person to any union, especially an unofficial one like where you found yourself. So, the first thing you will have to find out is where to go from there. You must have a destination that assures you food, clothing and shelter; as well as a job opportunity. Once you are sure of these, you can make your move. It's a simple matter of reaching out to a contact; giving out your address so it becomes a police/human rights case and they'll come take you away from the residence. As for your daughter, it's a matter of proving that her best chance of having a normal life lies with you. And that has to be done in court to make it all official. You can lose her though. Your child is enough sacrifice, but not enough reason to remain in an abusive marriage. You hardly have enough to go by, not to speak of taking care of a child's needs. 2 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Nobody: 7:03pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
I'm just gonna comment ma reserve ![]() The next person should.provide you with what u need |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Marvel1206: 7:06pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
I feel your pain sis, you're one step away from your problems since you've acknowledge ur mistakes.. If you leave him do you have where to run to? 2 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by eph12(m): 7:07pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
While I think you don't type like someone that has passed through lot of pain, I believe you can take time to Google out foundations that actually take interest in helping out cases involving the girl child. They could help you get away from your baby daddy so you can make something with your life. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy and his family brings another girl in as a legal wife soon. |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by 14sixty: 7:13pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
alegbeleye:I pray someone dear to you dont wear my shoes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by 14sixty: 7:15pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
DesChyko:yes, i will rent a place for myself and go into farming to raise my child and send myself back to school too when am more stable. But aboveall, i want God's will to be done. 2 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by DesChyko: 7:18pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
14sixty: The truth of the matter is I don't really enjoy putting human effort secondary to God's effort. You have to make decisions as a Christian, yeah, but do something yourself. If you go wrong, God will correct you. Do you have funds for these plans? |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by 14sixty: 7:20pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
eph12:sir, i try no to seek pity in my post that's y... I just need biblical advice on my case... Is my decision wrong? |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by 14sixty: 7:23pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
DesChyko:not for now, but his family gave me 50k to start something (but as usual of him) i cant go out.... He'll have to do the biz for me (bt aslong as i can save somthing enough to cater for myself and my child for a while after i leave. |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by eph12(m): 7:28pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
14sixty:You already know you shouldn't be fornicating so what do you think you should do? |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Swissheart(f): 7:29pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
Almost impossible to believe but I'll respond because I have bn in and outta similar situation. Firstly, I sympathize with you and I want you to know God does too. I think you are living with the knowledge of you bn an unforgivable sinner,this is false! What happened to you/what you have done isn't enough reason for you live in the bondage of sin forever. You have acknowledged the fact that you were wrong and that is all. No point wallowing in the guilt. It will make you farther from your savior. For that man.......let him realize you v had an encounter and you'll see him change for good. BTW what dyu do? What skill have you learnt in the past 5yrs that you have bn with him? None? That's even more terrible . Too many things to ask but...... 2 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by DesChyko: 7:32pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
14sixty: Hmmm... The family actually gave you 50k? Honestly, taking the cash and absconding with it makes an ingrate of you. I think you either go all out on your own, or patiently build yourself to a stage where you can stand all by yourself. You painted the picture of a neglected person initially, but I wouldn't know the real situation now. |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by emeijeh(m): 7:32pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
So so story on nairaland these days 2 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by fabem(m): 7:46pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
14sixty: Hi sis, I feel for your predicament. You have decide to move away from him and start a life, not just life but a new Godly life? Now, as you have made up your mind to quit and leave his place, you also need someone as a backup especially may be your pastor, his wife or someone inside the church that you will be looking up to when you need something or advice. He/she would guide you on what to do any time you want to take decision. With what you said, you baby father would want to come look for his daughter, so you must be brave. Like I said, since you have a church you are going, let them help fight this with you because leaving his won't be that easy as you think. Lastly, farming is a good business. Just make sure you stabilize before going back to school. Don't ever think of marrying him. Your past? We all have past and some are even terrible more than yours, God is a god of mercy. He doesn't leave his own people during tribulations. Forget the past, learn from it, grow from it and use it as experience in future and never leave serving God because it cost nothing doing so. 2 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by temodent(m): 7:59pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
My observation, considering the op stated background, the English is almost flawless to believe the op's background is true. Based on that I think there is a missing link here. My take 5 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by I888(m): 8:18pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
NLsince2010: Lol.. The emboldened makes me laugh. You never jam. Does that also reveal why he brought in a girl at 15 into their house and impregnated her? A responsible mother wouldn't allow that. I do not blame the dude because his mother has no positive impact on him. No goals, nothing. I feel pity for the girl as well. It is why I am very careful not to rush into marriage like I see people doing. I am sure her parents, when they met, where only concerned with the euphoria of dating and having sex, not building foundation for their offspring. Such parents make over 60-80 % of the population in this country and we wonder why the country is so messed up? It is why I do not get so excited when I see pictures of people getting married because i often feel majority will also repeat same scenario as described above. When people think about marriage or housing a woman, a whole lots of them ONLY see SEX and having BABIES. mehn, this country is forked! Look at what this young girl has been subjected to? Just look at it. If her parents had stood by her, get her educated to an acceptable level, both formally and informally, she wouldn't be in this mess. ![]() OP, the fact that you can even use the internet and string a few words together shows there is lots of hope for you if you would remain focus. Do not let him impregnate you. Do you have any relative, extended family from either mother or father side? 1 Like |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by veave(f): 8:29pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
my world!!! i do not even know what to say to you. things are really happening in this country. #sighs |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Savvy2(f): 8:46pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
Hmmm... I once worked in a Social welfare department (L.G. Council) I believe you can report this matter to them... they'll help you secure the custody of your daughter from your baby daddy just in case he tries to take her away forcefully or other wise as he'll sign an undertaking. I thank God for your life. If your father is alive, go and apologise for leaving the house all these years... Before doing all this you should be sure you'll be able to accommodate your daughter and yourself, feed and clothe yourselves and prolly enrol her in a school. (please be mindful of your environment and where you leave your daughter. A man once kidnapped his own son from school because he and the boy's mother had separated.) Find a bible believing church (I pray for God's assistance and direction for you) narrate your story to the pastor and his wife... they should assist you through other members of the church in a job search so your daughter and you will be comfortable and you can go back to school. Remain steadfast and focused in your faith, prayers and study of the word of God... that way you won't loose heart... just know it won't be easy, but with God on your side anything can happen. Take heart sweetheart ![]() 2 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Nobody: 9:39pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
I doubt your story Am sure there is another side to this if the guy is called . I suspect you ran with the guy when things were rossy. But due to the hardship you trying to run off but using Christ as an excuse... Why didnt you preach to him ? Pray to God to convert him ? Start a biz and grow yourself? Or get education while with him. The guy knew you wanted to ran-away .You just trying to justify yourself . I HAVE MANY FRIENDS WHO THERE GF'S LEFT THEM EVEN AFTER 1-2 BABIES JUST because OF THE WOES THAT BEFALL THEM. |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Nobody: 10:25pm On Oct 13, 2016 |
Tritri: I doubt your story Am sure there is another side to this if the guy is called . I suspect you ran with the guy when things were rossy. But due to the hardship you trying to run off but using Christ as an excuse... Why didnt you preach to him ? Pray to God to convert him ? Start a biz and grow yourself? Or get education while with him. The guy knew you wanted to ran-away .You just trying to justify yourself . I HAVE MANY FRIENDS WHO THERE GF'S LEFT THEM EVEN AFTER 1-2 BABIES JUST because OF THE WOES THAT BEFALL THEM. |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by eyinjuege: 2:19am On Oct 14, 2016 |
You need to make something of your life. Get a skill, or go back to school. Before you can do that, you need to contact your father back and call him to apologise. Do you still have his phone no? You need family around you. Get your mother's family , their phone nos. You equally need to be more assertive. Tell his mother you want to go back to school. Start working towards that. There'll be a lot of challenges ahead no doubt, but be ready to work hard achieving your goals. Leave that place, leave your child with her grandma, and be going to check her there regularly till you can find your feet. There's no point staying in an abusive relationship, with trust issues. You were never married to him anyway, so that makes things easier. You alone can save yourself. Stay off relationships with anyone else for now. 1 Like |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by InformedLola(f): 5:20am On Oct 14, 2016 |
temodent: Spot on. |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Acidosis(m): 6:37am On Oct 14, 2016 |
Seek help from a TRUE Church That's all. |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Nobody: 7:24am On Oct 14, 2016 |
temodent:You're very correct. It's been long I read such a well written "cry for help" on nairaland. It's either the op is lying? Or she's hiding some very expensive details. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Dnockeror333(m): 8:02am On Oct 14, 2016 |
No, your decision is not wrong. Niether have you made a standard decision yet.! When you arive at the standard unshaking decision then you can take a sail, God will be your captain as you paddle your canoe to shores unknown. But before this, send a message filled of sorrow-for-defining the authority of your earthly father (though he is concerned or not). But if you think he'll welcome you; go there and greet him, confess to him about your past youthful exorbirance, plead for only one thing, forgiveness and- take a long walk into independence. No turning back to either the sad house or the illegal house. For your child sake look for a free and true lawyer who can be found in many Female concerned Foundations, let them know what you stand for in tears. They'll fight your case. And afterward, you can then in tears walk tall away from dependence, free, into the air of liberty. For upon this mortalize temporal sphere you need to decide about this two,YOUR life and Eternity- Where will you spend your eternity? |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by 14sixty: 9:25am On Oct 14, 2016 |
InformedLola:temodent, VikingsOO7, there's no use for me to troll on NL... I would have loved to see what your view is... Abt about my english (writing has been one of the ways i use in expressing myself when am sad) i write in empty books and papers and i discard them (i cry on them and sometimes i talk to my mom and sis through writing)... I dont confide in friends either thats y i came here anonymously. Tritri.. Yes i know he'll have his part to say and i can bet my life that all he'll complain about is around sex, i have preached to him but he only see me as been too holy (and i would say am not). All i know is (i stand to be corrected tho) when you do something and you realise its wrong, you dont continue in it cos i believe the consequence will be more greater than when it was done out of ignorance... Secondly, i ran away with him to spite my family, (because i felt those that love me truely are gone) but i never knew i was only doing myself more harm and contrary to your opinion that i abscond when everything was rossy (that's a big fat lie) he had absolutely nothing!!! Even his family are not wealthy (i dont want to go into that)... Yes he cared from the first date ( i saw his number on a tv and i foolishly joined the wagon of my friends) and was more of a bragger and more on my body (which my friends find okay and called it love). But then i didnt have a mind of my own till i moved in with him and his real identity showed up (but it was too late cos i dont want to be mocked so i joined him in his braggin) even when he beats me i pretend to my friends when we talk on phone like am been treated like a cinderella... Because your friends gf left when the woes befall them (i will assume you mean when they went broke) you missed where i wrote i want him to make money for himself then i leave?! Even if he has a billion naira today i will still want to leave. I just want him to make money for himself so that he wont say i left him because he is not rich ( i am wiser now and i will chose peace of mind, sanity, progress, freedom and unconditional love over dangote's bank acct)... Thank you and God bless.. Thanks to everyonelse, may God watch over your paths and lead y'all in his ways. 2 Likes |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by treasuredkids(f): 10:29am On Oct 14, 2016 |
@ op, it gladdens my heart when one comes to a point of realisation of errors made in time past and a quest to correct or not continue in such errors. Its equally good u av a r/ship with God. He will best direct u on the steps to take. Keep seeking his face daily and always ask for a way of escape, he will provide a sure and safe path for u. My dear u are on the right path, do all u can to get urself out of that ungodly r/ship. I'm glad u are not hopeless since u av got plans for ur future. Try as much as u can not to be trapped by another pregnancy and pls dnt let the thoughts of ingratitude keep u from taking the necessary steps out of bondage. Tho it may sound foolish, but while typing this, the story of how the Israelites gained freedom from Egypt's oppression came to mind. How God dealt with them via many plagues. Perhaps if u apply this prayer pattern for God to deal with ur bf so as to let u go without an option, u will surely get ur desired freedom. U sound wise and more educated for ur age, I will put that to the experience (ordeals) u av been exposed to over time. Its well with u and may God see u tro. |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by dillycool(f): 10:54am On Oct 14, 2016 |
VikingsOO7: CIA ![]() |
Re: Please Advice, Its Killing Me Inside by Nobody: 10:55am On Oct 14, 2016 |
dillycool:My mentor. ![]() 3 Likes |
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