Hello Nairalanders, please I need you advice before I finally end this marriage.
I know I was at fault at the beginning for not stamping my authority , I showed her so much love, because she is a product of a broken home, I wanted her to know there is much more to life, now she has turned my love to foolishness, I do not want my kids to grow up without a father. That is why I have been very patient, but now … please read on.

I have been married for 11 years, with 4 kids. The truth is that we have never had really peace in the home for these years, everything is trouble, from the way I talk, eat, dress, use the toilet and sleep, just name them. The situation has been bad from the beginning, but the last three years has been hell for me and the kids, my wife shouts and complain over everything, she cannot go one full day with Joy, there is always one thing that annoys her, she has to be right on all issues, The very sad part is that whenever she does anything wrong and I ask her, there will be trouble, she will refuse to speak with me for as long as she like. We can go for weeks without really speaking with each other she enjoys it, she does not just bother at all. Each time these things happen, I am always the one that try to initiate peace.

I will like to give only one example to summarise everything going on in my home: two years ago, she will just leave the home without telling me, I called her and told her it is not right, she replied me promptly that it is her life, I can’t control her, and it is my life as well, I should do whatever I like with it. well I thought it was anger, however, I never mind, anytime I want to leave, I make sure I tell her till one day she called me and tell me that even if I keep informing her about my movements, that she is not going to change, she is not under any obligation to tell me where she is going to. My people, for two years counting now, that is how we have been doing it, we just leave without telling each other. BUT OCCASSIONALLY FOR SOME REASONS I DON’T KNOW, SHE WILL JUST TELL ME SHE IS GOING OUT TO XYZ.

She always insults me and even the kids, for any mistake they make and she never fails to tell them that they did not inherit their bad character from her, that they inherited their character from me, she says this consistently even when I am there. There is no insult she has not poured on me, I have had to explain to her mother severally but the woman is simply helpless, her mother is dead scared of her. She exhibited some of these characters during our two years of courtship, but her mother and some brethren advised that she will change after marriage. She is always complaining of being tired, meanwhile, I do the dishes, do the vacuuming (sweeping), cleaning and other domestic duties, even when she cooks, I have to cut the ingredients and all that, in short she rarely cooks. We sleep in different rooms for 4 years counting now, occasionally I try to go to her room to initiate sex, but 99% of cases she chase me away, sometime she locks her door. She stopped me from sleeping in same room with her, when I asked why, shy did not say anything but after 4 months she said it was because I was snoring at night. Trust me anytime I am opportune to make love to her I make sure she climaxes…

It is so bad that even her sisters sometimes rebuke her in my presence, presently, she is not in talking terms with any of her siblings, and this has been on for the past three years. I am stuck with this lady, her mother cannot talk to her, no family member she respects. She is a loner.
To the extent that she makes friends and they always break up, she has no real close friends, even if they are close, trust me, before 6 months the relationship has gone sour.

The worst thing that can happen to a man is to live with a woman who has no love, thoughtless and inconsiderate.

A man cannot change a woman, neither can a woman change a man.

When you get married to a human being, you need to understand that your marriage will not work unless you are ready to invest heavily in the virtues of love and kindness.

It pays to be open.
It pays to have a heart that is willing to let go.

I guess the woman harbors a lot of unforgiveness and hate in her heart.
She needs to become aware. She needs to connect with her truest and purest self.

Dear OP, I don't know how you will do it, but I think you have endured long enough.

Try to engage in things that make you happy.
Pray, seek divine counsel on what to do.

I will advise that you make peace with your current situation and try to avoid the negativity, all kinds of negativity.

I wish you well Sir.

I wonder how our mothers were able to cope and loved till old age. Satan is really out to destroy marriages. I remember one experience as shared... This man was sitting behind a man on a ten hours flight and consistently this man was praying till they dropped... this other man asked the man praying why was he talking continuously nonstop?... the man answered "I'm a satanist and our master has commanded that we must destroy marriages and cause confusion in relationships and homes, so we are all praying to make it come to pass" ...How many Christians are praying like that to avert this happenings all over. Churches has focused more on tithe and giving and no more morals and spirituality preached. Pastors most times even sleep with members and the same spirit is passed to members and fornication becomes the order of the day in most churches. It's unfortunate how things has degenerated.

I believe all this things that keeps happening is all your faults, you saw all the signs before your married her thinking she will change but she keeps getting worst. Now you will have to do it the hard way by choosing your choice.

I've read a similar story before, makes me feel this story is made up.

MizMyColi:
The worst thing that can happen to a man is to live with a woman who has no love, thoughtless and inconsiderate.

How best can you put it. This is a perfect summary of op situation. I feel sorry for him.

lalanice:
I've read a similar story before, makes me feel this story is made up.

No woman. This is how most homes are. Men are emotionally abused more than women. You must read so much from different people's experience.

mukhcech:


No woman. This is how most homes are. Men are emotionally abused more than women. You must read so much from different people's experience.

I know very much that men are emotionally abused, I even have a crazy neighbour here that is trying to ruin her husbands life. but this story just seems like a repeated story with more juice

This is what happens when you try to do the job of a therapist.

Marriage is not a rehabilitation centre for dysfunctional people _ don't go marrying people with the plans of changing them in marriage.

I pity the innocent kids you brought into all this, such emotional trauma from a mother that should be loving. I won't say you should divorce her, but I am very concerned about the well being of your kids. The way she lashes out at them with insults isn't good for their psyche. I am sure you know that. You owed them the duty of getting he best mum, something you've failed on. You might wanna consider removing them from that environment for the time being _till you fix the mess you created.

Encourage her to go for counselling, something you should have advised her to do 11yrs ago, instead you put a ring on it.
That woman needs to heal.

But you saw all these signs before you got married yeah? What did you think, she was going to magically change or with a kid in the equation, something would be different?

This is gonna go on for as long as possible, now you're faced with even a harder decision to make. Best thing for you right now is to bring both families together and decide whether to continue the marriage or discontinue. I know this type of woman, she'll drive you to the limit and you might do sth that you'll regret the rest of your days.

This your case is very strong. If all you say is true, then you have really tried your best. Don't come and kill yourself for another person. You aren't new to house chores and staying celibate for long periods of time,so you won't miss her much when you tell her to leave. Tell your wife to leave and get help. It isn't only when a person strips naked that we say he he or she has a mental problem. Such environment is even unhealthy for your kids to grow up in. Insist that she must get help, whether spiritual or psychological. We don't want to wake up one day and read the news that a wife killed her entire family. It's better to be happy alone than miserable for an entire lifetime. If she really wants the marriage to work,she will carry her legs,seek help and come back to you.

Again, as I always say, divorce isn't as bad as people paint it. If all has been exhausted, divorce her ass biko.

Such a touching story. I would like to ask if this woman has always been like this before u married her. If yes. It means she has not settle some issues with herself or she's not emotionally ready to be married or to be sub missive. You should dig deep into her past to see what has happened to her or someone so close to her in a marriage. She could be struggling with some of the baggage of her past.

Furthermore, if she was not like that before, it appears something went wrong at the early days of the marriage. It could be the husband has probably done something wrong to her which precipitated such attitudes. People don't just change without a trigger. It's impossible for a man to shower love on her wife and she begin to put up strange attitudes. If you can identify to source the problem is half solved. Thanks

@OP; hmmm how sad. IMHO, you’re a bit too soft; (no offence) toughen up a bit as your wife have wrapped you round her little finger (she has seen you finish; as in no respect what so ever). Aside that, there’re two important things you need to know when dealing with women viz;

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without her, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.

The thing that upset me the most is that you saw this entire attitude in her during your 2 year courtship and you still went ahead and married her, thinking she would change right? WRONG MOVE. I suspect your wife is pretty or earns more than you which could be other reasons you couldn’t let her go; aside the fact of her nasty attitude and the other things you mentioned.

What baffled me the most was why you and your wife decided to bring 4 innocent children into a toxic environment. Another surprising thing is the fact that your wife was this nasty and you had the 1st child, then her nastiness continued; you had the 2nd child, then it got even worst; you had the 3rd child and the nastiness graduated and you subsequently had the 4th child. What on earth was going on why you couldn’t sort out the chaotic situation currently existing in the home front before you started popping out babies like they were going out of fashion? (I’m not judging you) I’m just bemused.

From another angle, you have painted your wife as a monster (excuse my language) but painted yourself as an innocent person which I find hard to believe. If your wife were to come here and say her part of the story, it mostly likely would be slightly different from your version as there are always 3 sides to a story; your side, their side and the truth.

Just to digress, a husband came here to describe the wife as a nasty piece of work and kept his side of the story squeaky clean until his wife found out about the thread and came here to say her side of the story. Needless to say, the people who were calling her a bad wife when they heard the husbands' side of the story shifted the blame to her husband when they heard the wifes' side of the story and instead started calling him the bad one as the wife mentioned terrible things the husband had done to her which the husband left out when he narrated his own side of the story. HOPE YOU GET WHERE I AM GOING.

Moving forward, there is only one question you need to ask your wife and the answer to that question would determine what to do next. Ask your wife DOES SHE STIIL WANT THIS MARRIAGE? If she answers YES you know what to do but if she says NO you know what to do. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay; that’s your call entirely as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches the most.

You and your wife have set a very bad precedent for your kids. That said, one piece of advice I’ll give you about the kids is this; as they grow older and get into the dating game, endeavour (just a suggestion) to use the example of you and their mum to teach them that when they see things they are not happy with during courtship, it should be addressed immediately. If the person with the problematic attitude isn’t willing to change then they should run faster than Usain Bolt as what you know you can’t take during courtship, would only get worse (if not corrected) after marriage.


Lesson learnt to all others who are courting and hoping the relationship would lead to marraige

1) Never ever marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond, (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.


I rest my case

Your wife is going through a phase of life and might not even be able to explain it to herself. You could simply take the easy route and break up or the rugged path and help your wife through this phase. That she's not in sync with you is just because you are the closest to her and the most readily available for her to transfer her negative energies to. Assuming she's that way with just you but cool and happy with others then I'd have said she's stopped loving you. But since she doesn't have close friends and can't keep relationships with others then its not really about you.

Yes, you aren't her shrink but then you could roll up your sleeves and do the hard work. Keep showing her love, encourage her to visit a therapist, take time to go off somewhere romantic with her. Try to reconnect with her and at her own time she'll open up and you'd see the beauty you fell in love with. Marriage is all about tolerance and understanding. A wise man once said, marriage is not about how compatible we are but how much we are able to manage our incompatibilities.

I pray that the peace of God that passes all understanding reign in your home. All will be well.

Rent an apartment and move in with your kids. Make it explicitly clear that she will be welcomed there if she changes. And if she doesn't change , remind her to initiate the divorce proceedings and serve you the goddamn papers.

SirVintageCock:
Rent an apartment and move in with your kids. Make it explicitly clear that she will be welcomed there if she changes. And if she doesn't change , remind her to initiate the divorce proceedings and serve you the goddamn papers.

Weldone Sir,

Mr OP, the quote above is my advice for you.
If you can, please I'd encourage you to 'hold body' till she initiates the divorce and its complete.

The situation is already a mess, don't make it messier and harder for you and the kids by bringing in some other woman

Take the kids and leave

Talk to your kids, let them know what's going on, but NEVER tell them negative things about their mother, God willing they will discover the truth at a matured age if Iyawo refuses to change

So far uncle, if what you are saying is the truth, then you have tried, really tried, but you still have work to do
May God help you, help the kids and help Iyawo

I desire and pray that all will be well with your family.

[s][/s]I actually feel marriage, love, family and all the gbogbotigbo are overrated, good ones exist, and those are the ones that make me feel like it may be worth it[s][/s]

Matured thread with matured comments so far. The Good old days of Nairaland.

lalanice:
I've read a similar story before, makes me feel this story is made up.

MizMyColi:
The worst thing that can happen to a man is to live with a woman who has no love, thoughtless and inconsiderate.

A man cannot change a woman, neither can a woman change a man.

When you get married to a human being, you need to understand that your marriage will not work unless you are ready to invest heavily in the virtues of love and kindness.

It pays to be open.
It pays to have a heart that is willing to let go.

I guess the woman harbors a lot of unforgiveness and hate in her heart.
She needs to become aware. She needs to connect with her truest and purest self.

Dear OP, I don't know how you will do it, but I think you have endured long enough.

Try to engage in things that make you happy.
Pray, seek divine counsel on what to do.

I will advise that you make peace with your current situation and try to avoid the negativity, all kinds of negativity.

I wish you well Sir.

Thank you for this piece of advice. I can imagine what the OP is going through.

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fluxbush:
This your case is very strong. If all you say is true, then you have really tried your best. Don't come and kill yourself for another person. You aren't new to house chores and staying celibate for long periods of time,so you won't miss her much when you tell her to leave. Tell your wife to leave and get help. It isn't only when a person strips naked that we say he he or she has a mental problem. Such environment is even unhealthy for your kids to grow up in. Insist that she must get help, whether spiritual or psychological. We don't want to wake up one day and read the news that a wife killed her entire family. It's better to be happy alone than miserable for an entire lifetime. If she really wants the marriage to work,she will carry her legs,seek help and come back to you.

Again, as I always say, divorce isn't as bad as people paint it. If all has been exhausted, divorce her ass biko.

Me I am learning from every comment. Good piece of advice. The Bolded is so true.

You will hate me if I tell you the truth..

But I didn't start typing this just to please you.

That your wife that treats you like trash melts at the sight of another man,
I doubt she has called you petnames in recent times but I can swear on Mungo Park's grave that she calls another man pet names.


She locks herself up in another room right? I'd tell you why...it's because she is either masturbating or having nude videocalls with one of her many social media, 'abroad-based' young lovers.

You want to sound like a good nice man, but Mr Man, you are a sissy...no real woman wants a sissy. They want a man who can exert his authority on them, in the home, on the bed, everywhere!!!!

Your wife leaves the house out of anger IMAGINE THAT NONSENSE!!!..where do you think she goes to? You think she goes for Night vigil at SYNAGOGUE Ikotun abi....she is in the house of one small fûckboy moaning his roof down and cursing the day she met you.

From the way you are going, very soon she'd give you the towel to hold while she bathes with another man in your bathroom.
I'm sure the few times she let's you touch her, she calls out another man's name.


Nwoke m, mepe anya!!!

Open your eyes and be a man

That dangling rod in between your leg is not for fancy, use it and cane some sense into her.
Use it and drive away the evil spirit out of her.
If you aren't so good, then use a real cane

hmm

what more can I say

Ok

Hmm,The Lord is your strength,helper and solution in this situation

Churchill is that you?

Seems you're a broke ass. Why would you allow your wife push you over like that? All grown up man with four kids for that matter. I'm ashamed for you right now. Grow some balls and get a life. A fool is 40 is a fool for forever. Stop disgracing men, you pussy nigga.

sorry ur story is a sad one pls end it but she end ur life

The 1st mistake you made, bad attitudes do not get dropped at the altar.......
She exhibited signs, but love blinded you?
If things are this bad, you both can seek counselling and if that fails. DIVORCE