Please I need mature and reasonable advice from married couples on an issue that is seriously bothering me.


My husband and I got married barely a year ago. We haven't had any child yet. Hubby's younger sister had a child out of wedlock.

When we newly married, the family was trying to keep the secret from me including hubby. (For reasons best known to them) Though I managed to find out.

About a month ago, hubby sat me down and told me the story of how his sister got unwanted pregnancy (In my mind, I was glad for that moment that finally, he has considered me a part of the family.) But then, the happiness faded almost immediately when I realized that he was only telling me because he want to take in the little boy.

The family have decided to send their daughter far away from her boyfriend. They also want to take the little boy away so that the father doesn't have access to him.

Now, hubby want to bring in the little boy to our home and raise him like our child. According to him, the child must not know that we are not his parents.

This doesn't sit right with me. As much as I try to ignore the problems this might bring in my marriage and in future, I just couldn't accept it.

This is Africa, where every woman will like her son to get the birth right as the first son. How can I give that away? If it was to be my husband's illegitimate child, I would understand. But the situation is different.


Hubby brought the topic up again two nights ago, and we had a heated argument.

When the heat died down, we had discussions, I made him realized that I will not get in the way of him helping his family (Even if he wants to sponsor the child's education from childhood to adulthood) But I just can't accept him adopting the child.

I really need objective opinion and advice on how to handle the situation.

What plans do they have for the sister?Is she still going to school or works?How old is she?

I don't think you(a young couple) should take up that responsibility.You can be financially responsible for the child and even have the child live with you but I do not support the idea of making the child grow up like you birthed the child.
What happened to the grandparents raising the child?
They want to raise the child with a false identity which I do not support.

thorpido:
What plans do they have for the sister?Is she still going to school or works?How old is she?

She is about 22yrs. They want to send her to a relative in the North so that she will live there and get admitted into the university.

Well I wanted to say why can't the boy stay with his grandparents but it seems the objective here is to hide the boy from his father, ensure people don't link that boy to your hubby's sister and want you to be part of a conspiracy, deception etc.

There are two parts to this

It's not just accepting the child to your home that seems to be the problem, it's also about the deception, will they deceive the future hubby of that girl when she meets him, if you accept what happens next? The secret won't come out? Will you lie to people who have known you in the past or what. They want to erase that boy from that girls life journey, we know it's not possible and they want you to help them with it.

I don't like what they are proposing at all, they decided themselves they now want you to be part of it not nice.

Whatever built on lies will surely fall.

Taking care of a child is tasking on its own, not to talk of him being an in laws child(much egg shells to walk on) and then to deceive him that you are his mother when both parents are alive which also means he's automatically your first son( I think this also is a source of concern to you)

I would say if you must accept him (I don't advise you to do, it most likely won't end well) you can attach conditions that you can't be part of the deception let him know who his mum is etc etc.

Janelle08:
She is about 22yrs. They want to send her to a relative in the North so that she will live there and get admitted into the university.

If she needs to go to school,someone can raise the child while she does that.I really think the child should stay with the grandparents.They should also make her visit her child from time to time.
They just want to hide what will eventually come out.So the child will grow up not knowing his true mother? The lady will live a lie that she has never had a child with a future suitor?

Put your foot down about not adopting the child.Tell hubby the child can come,stay a while and go from time to time.You can also be financially responsible for the child.

The child should live with his grandparents,let them claim him as their child,if grandma is old and not strong,she can employ a nanny to help out.

[sup][/sup]

carammel:
The child should live with his grandparents,let them claim him as their child,if grandma is old and not strong,she can employ a nanny to help out.

Mother-in-law is young. She's in her fifties. The father of the child lives in their area.

I suggested to him to send the boy to his elder sister (The elder sister wanted to take the child earlier on) in Lagos. But he refused. He wants to raise the child himself. He just enjoys calling he shots.

Janelle08:
[sup][/sup]Mother-in-law is young. She's in her fifties. The father of the child living in their area.

I suggested to him to send the boy to his elder sister (The elder sister wanted to take the child earlier on) in Lagos. But he refused. He wants to raise the child himself. He just enjoys calling he shots.

Is your hubby the first son?You have an alternative who even wants to accept the child.Tell your hubby again to consider his sister.
I can understand why the child may not stay with the grandparents.
Insist you are not adopting the child.

thorpido:
Is your hubby the first son?You have an alternative who even wants to accept the child.Tell your hubby again to consider his sister.
I can understand why the child may not stay with the grandparents.
Insist you are not adopting the child.

Yes, he is the first son. And his family respects and always agree with whatever he says.

He was the one that brought up the idea and they didn't object because he is their breadwinner and practically brought up his siblings.

Janelle08:
Yes, he is the first son. And his family respects and always agree with whatever he says.

He was the one that brought up the idea and they didn't object because he is their breadwinner and practically brought up his siblings.

Well,don't let him push you into a hard corner.There are alternatives so let him take those.
Don't let him foist the decision on you.Your marriage is young and you should enjoy it.
It's not easy raising kids.As much as possible,let people who birth them take care of them.

The boy is your husband's son. all the secrets and stories are just bullsh*t.

You think he decided to adopt someone else's son when the biological mother who he claims to be his sister is alive,very close and can always destroy your web of lies whenever she wants her child back?

viettastitches:
The boy is your husband's son. all the secrets and stories are just bullsh*t.

You think he decided to adopt someone else's son when the biological mother who he claims to be his sister is alive,very close and can always destroy your web of lies whenever she wants her child back?

No,he is not my husband's child.

Actually, I came to know about this when I saw a folder containing court order issued against the father's child.

Hubby snatched the folder from me the first time I wanted to open it. Which heightened my curiosity to read it. I managed to read it some days later when I found where he hide it.

So I'm sure the child s not his.

Your man isn't thinking right. Don't ever allow such bullish.it, don't trade your happiness for anything, this's not your cross pls do everything within your power to resist it.

My advice is this : if you are a Christian use prayer to confuse them because your talks alone will not go far. May GOD help you in JESUS name.

Janelle08:
No,he is not my husband's child.

Actually, I came to know about this when I saw a folder containing court order issued against the father's child.

Hubby snatched the folder from me the first time I wanted to open it. Which heightened my curiosity to read it. I managed to read it some days later when I found where he hide it.

So I'm sure the child s not his.

ok

Janelle08:
No,he is not my husband's child.

Actually, I came to know about this when I saw a folder containing court order issued against the father's child.

Hubby snatched the folder from me the first time I wanted to open it. Which heightened my curiosity to read it. I managed to read it some days later when I found where he hide it.

So I'm sure the child s not his.

This is a difficult situation. I am sure the family is Yoruba.
I am Yoruba too tho.


A part of me still thinks that child is your husbands child.
All that court stuff is just bollocks.

Dont take the boy in. Your marriage is too young and even the child is too young.
Please he should let you have your moments, getting pregnant with your first and going through the emotions of being a new mum.

They should let the elder sister take the child. And like someone said earlier, handle the matter with prayers.

This is likely to end badly.

It is not even good for the mother of the child. If my daughter gets pregnant, she will figure out how to be a mother and a student at the same time.

Since she was old enough to get pregnant, she should also be ready to face the responsibility. That will be her punishment even though she will still get assistance from family.

What your family were trying to do to that boy's mental faculty is not good..imagine living with someone you call your parent only to find out that they were not. That is living with a false identity...

Yes u can make him live with u and treat him as a member of the family but when the time comes, you should tell him the truth..

There are busy bodies in every neighbourhood, Who knows what goes on in another person's house... They might tell their children.. and during heated argument, those children might say it the wrong way..imagine being called a "B" in public in a broad daylight....have your family ever thought of how that kid will feel finding that out like that...

As for his real mother, Don't u think that after finding out, the child will feel sense of rejection, abandonment..rebellious towards the mother? Especially when her presence was not registered in his life or when she gets married to a suitable person who mIght not want him around...

This is really a sensitive issue that required serious attention in which every member of the family including the real mother should partake in...
And it should be for the warfare of the boy...

Sorry OP.. I will suggest that you forget about your own selfish reasons for now about division of assets when your own kids starts rolling out...the inconveniences the child will cause your marriage..and put that little innocent boy in your shoes.... with an open mind, sit down with them and iron this whole mess out. ..who knows, you might be the voice of reason in that family over this issue...

And what is actually the problem or issue adopting a poor child and helping a fellow woman out. Sooner or later the child will know you aren’t his parents so what is the fuss about?

You are already bearing resentment to the child already. It’s better your husband don’t bring him in before you begin maltreating the poor child.

If you want First born rights, Give birth to your own on time or are you Infertile?

Your husband does not respect your feelings. I'm so sorry to say that but that's the truth. Your privacy should be respected.
As long as the mother is alive, she should be made to face the consequences of birthing that child.
You need to beg your husband to respect your feelings and consider your happiness.

Wilfredpat22:
And what is actually the problem or issue adopting a poor child and helping a fellow woman out. Sooner or later the child will know you aren’t his parents so what is the fuss about?

You are already bearing resentment to the child already. It’s better your husband don’t bring him in before you begin maltreating the poor child.

If you want First born rights, Give birth to your own on time or are you Infertile?

Maltreating a year and 6months child? Mtchew at your stereotypical attitude.
And who said the child is helpless?

Leave sentiment aside and read between the lines.

viettastitches:
The boy is your husband's son. all the secrets and stories are just bullsh*t.

You think he decided to adopt someone else's son when the biological mother who he claims to be his sister is alive,very close and can always destroy your web of lies whenever she wants her child back?

Thank you jare.
They're just trying to use sense for you, OP.
That boy is your husband's son until proven otherwise.
Meanwhile, why should they keep the boy from his father? He deserves to know his father, even if his mother doesn't want him again. They should go and drop the boy with his father's family.

Guitarlife:

This is a difficult situation. I am sure the family is Yoruba.
I am Yoruba too tho.


A part of me still thinks that child is your husbands child.
All that court stuff is just bollocks.

Why are you bringing tribe into this?
No Yoruba man will try to use sense to claim another man's child when the father is very much alive.
Unless of course the child is his own.

Janelle08:
No,he is not my husband's child.

Actually, I came to know about this when I saw a folder containing court order issued against the father's child.

Hubby snatched the folder from me the first time I wanted to open it. Which heightened my curiosity to read it. I managed to read it some days later when I found where he hide it.

So I'm sure the child s not his.

This court order you claim they were trying to hide from you, yet still kept it where you were eventually still able to read it...
Can you go to the courts and make verifications first of all if its a genuine document?
That shouldn't determine your next line of action anyway, as that child needs his own biological mother and father. What is wrong with the boy's father? Is he a drug dealer? Why is the family hell bent on keeping a son from his father? If their own daughter can't raise her child, why not let his father raise him? What happened to her schooling nearby, close to home and her son?
If she goes to the north, what stops her from getting pregnant again for another fellow there? Who can supervise her to take her life seriously, other than her parents? You will be surprised she will add abusing drugs amongst other vices, if she is left to go far away.

There are certain sacrife one have to make for peace to rain in the family

If I were to be you, I will accept that child in, embrace that child as my child, use him as a point of contact for God to bless me to be a mother

You are yet to have your own child and you are not willing to live with a toddler you can nurture to be like your child, what impression are you creating

Even if the child will grow and look like the first child of the family, its just for your own children to bond with him when they start coming

What makes you think he will take the place of your first child, will your husband make him his next of kin or will you make him your next of kin

That child will grow to know you as his mother depending on the relationship you created with him, do you think he will forget you when he grows up?.

For the time that child will be leaving with you it will give you the opportunity to learn how to look after kids and even the family will careless about you not being pregnant for the time being

Tell him to arrange for that child to come over, when he comes teaxh him how to call you guys mummy and daddy simple

eyinjuege:


Why are you bringing tribe into this?
No Yoruba man will try to use sense to claim another man's child when the father is very much alive.
Unless of course the child is his own.

Well, I dont think there is a problem with what I wrote, I am Yoruba too and from what the OP wrote I am sure the family is Yoruba.

So ? There is nothing wrong in stating my opinion, it will be unfortunate tho if you overthink this as tribal bashing.


Finally, the husband is likely the father of that child.

frozen70:
There are certain sacrife one have to make for peace to rain in the family

If I were to be you, I will accept that child in, embrace that child as my child, use him as a point of contact for God to bless me to be a mother

You are yet to have your own child and you are not willing to live with a toddler you can nurture to be like your child, what impression are you creating

Even if the child will grow and look like the first child of the family, its just for your own children to bond with him when they start coming

What makes you think he will take the place of your first child, will your husband make him his next of kin or will you make him your next of kin

That child will grow to know you as his mother depending on the relationship you created with him, do you think he will forget you when he grows up?.

For the time that child will be leaving with you it will give you the opportunity to learn how to look after kids and even the family will careless about you not being pregnant for the time being

Tell him to arrange for that child to come over, when he comes teaxh him how to call you guys mummy and daddy simple

youa made some point, but the husband family is scheming to decieve the innocent child about his paternity and you want the OP to be complicit ?

This is why it is important to marry a man with the fear of God.

Guitarlife:


youa made some point, but the husband family is scheming to decieve the innocent child about his paternity and you want the OP to be complicit ?

This is why it is important to marry a man with the fear of God.

OK, but one can't decive nature, history will tell at the right time

Even the father of the child will come for that child one day !

It's because the want the child mother to look for another suitor that's why they are planning such

The family are realy deceitful but my own concern is their wife who made this post

I really want her to be in a relaxed mood for pregnancy to occur
Cheers

frozen70:


OK, but one can't decive nature, history will tell at the right time

Even the father of the child will come for that child one day !

It's because the want the child mother to look for another suitor that's why they are planning such

The family are realy deceitful but my own concern is their wife who made this post

I really want her to be in a relaxed mood for pregnancy to occur
Cheers

And you think raising another person's child will put her in a relaxed mood to conceive?

One thing I don't joke with is privacy and convenience. You cannot expect a young lady to bear the responsibility of another.

She can support the child from anywhere and take him in after she has given birth, but not without letting him know his real identity.

It is easier to advice people to do something but when the table is turned around.