Was I not the one who mentioned ''bad influence'' in my comment? I have an idea of what you are talking about. But you need wisdom. She has an alternative, which is her father's house, but here she is in your home. At one time or the other, a marriage will go through test, so try and be patient, tolerate the much you can, surely she will leave one day.

Laeroy:


Thanks for your advice sis.......

I learnt some great lessons from what they did to their fathers wife.... A day after the burial, they told her she couldn't continue living in the house, they sent her away and the woman to the best of my knowledge tried for their father, but at the end.. They said so many nasty things about her So u see, I can't in any way please them, cos if tomorrow the chip goes down, I know what will be my lot, I rather not
Start what I can't finish, cos to tell u the truth, the kid has been bad influence to my child since they started being together, she's stubborn doesn't take to correction and God forgive me unkempt, I don't like the relationship she has with my child.... Please don't crucify me (this is how I feel) but on a second thought, I try to force my self to like her, unlike her mother Dat I like effortlessly.... Please let me just stop here before the bitter woman crew unleash their venom on me....

AS I TYPE..MY KIDS AND I ARE AT HOME, HUSBAND DEY WORK, SHE IS IN HER SHOP WHERE SHE DEY LEARN WORK, SHE WILL GO PICK HER KID FROM THE BABY'S FATHER PLACE WHEN SHE CLOSES AND COME BACK AT NIGHT, THE SOUP WEY WE COOK ON MONDAY NIGHT FINISHED THIS MORNING...... SHEY BEFORE ALL OF THEM COME BACK FROM WORK, MAKE MY KIDS AND I NO CHOP CLEAN MOUTH BEFORE THEY ARRIVE..... ABI THE REMAINING CHANGE LEFT ON ME.. I WILL USE IT TO COOK BEFORE THEY ARRIVE.... JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO PLEASE FAMILY MEMEBERS THAT ARE UNPLEASABLE..... IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.. I GUESSS..

Laeroy:


No hard feelings....but I don't like where she's coming from, the finances, and everything attached....
But I always have to exert self control and remind myself that she was a victim of circumstance, she didn't ask to be in the present state that she is...et al

Hmmmmm...

Refer to my first comment to you.

Good luck.

crackhaus:

Hmmmmm...

Refer to my first comment to you.

Good luck.

Thanks bro... Gracias....ill listen to u.....and do what I can... Uve been very helpful

Laeroy:


Hahaha... And keep being the good pretentious person that you are

If u know me then u will know I can't be associated with such character "pretentious". Madam wicked lady! Have a nice life

LilMissFavvy:
Was I not the one who mentioned ''bad influence'' in my comment? I have an idea of what you are talking about. But you need wisdom. She has an alternative, which is her father's house, but here she is in your home. At one time or the other, a marriage will go through test, so try and be patient, tolerate the much you can, surely she will leave one day.

Thank you ma.... I will in my power do that which I can... I can only try.

''ma''? Am not a ma oh, ......am just a small sisi psychologist/counselor. It is well, God will see you through, amen.

Laeroy:


Thank you ma.... I will in my power do that which I can... I can only try.

crackhaus:

This is hilarious
Your honesty is a breath of fresh air, and NO you're not wicked, you're just human. Believe me, a good number of women including those attacking you will feel the exact same way if they found themselves in the same situation.
Starting the gesture is never the problem, but sustaining it over a long period can be burdensome especially when you're on a budget.

Pertaining the issue, just keep doing what you can do. What I mean is, the things you can do for both kids with a happy heart and without putting a strain on yourself and finances, keep doing it.
Anything that you cannot do with a cheerful heart, don't do it as that will only fester more bitterness in your heart.

Wisdom is profitable.

A deep and insightful post.

U don't run a family based on emotions. Period.

More than half of dysfunctional families we have today are due to in law interferences.
They will run u down.

Never do anything u are not happy with.

If ur husband have refused to listen and there is a way u can invite your own people to come, all na one big happy family.

crackhaus:

This is hilarious
Your honesty is a breath of fresh air, and NO you're not wicked, you're just human. Believe me, a good number of women including those attacking you will feel the exact same way if they found themselves in the same situation.
Starting the gesture is never the problem, but sustaining it over a long period can be burdensome especially when you're on a budget.

Pertaining the issue, just keep doing what you can do. What I mean is, the things you can do for both kids with a happy heart and without putting a strain on yourself and finances, keep doing it.
Anything that you cannot do with a cheerful heart, don't do it as that will only fester more bitterness in your heart.

Wisdom is profitable.

I am on a budget oo my brother... I have priorities ooo my family members are there oooo, their brother no dey extend his gestures go there ooo... He is the first born.... He is the only one doing okay(when I mean okay I mean his salary is just a little above 100k)out of the 6 of them.......
They rest of them basically live on their brother... Despite that two of them are married.... I have siblings that need help too but none of them disturb me... Cos they understand the peculiarity of my family..... My package every month is 30k and I do 5k savings each for my 3 kids.... I'm left with 20k...out of which I send some money to my parents and the rest if for my pocket money which I use to take car eof my kids and I... As I can't be eating only eba and rice everyday with no good fish or meat...... So my dear any other baggage at this point in my life is not allowed....

After all Galatians 6:5 says each and every one will bear his burdens

Dear Poster, I understand how it feels but first of all, don't respond to any comment that doesn't sit well with you. Obviously, the matter is eating you up and it seems you've once been taken for granted. Probably when you once shared an accommodation with people.

It's scary when you know how heavy your load is and someone still wants your shoulders to rest on. Nevertheless, you don't need to be hard/harsh on her. Can you afford renting her a room? If no, try to be friendly, manage your resources and most importantly try to treat all the children the same way.

Reason: Every child deserves kindness and a loving environment.

Our society is broken today due to the same ideology we grew up with and no wonder they drove their father's wife away. To fix this, we need to share love. By doing so, we're subconciously teaching the children that they are capable of loving and being compassionate in every situation.

Take a deep breath, relax and don't let it get into you. If you can afford to get her a room, please discuss it with your husband calmly not aggressively.

Neither do you need to talk to your husband as his boss. He might not be happy with the situation as well but needed to be acting that way. 1. because he doesn't know the way out due to his financial status, 2. to please his family..

Peace

LilMissFavvy:
''ma''? Am not a ma oh, ......am just a small sisi psychologist/counselor. It is well, God will see you through, amen.

Amen oooo.. Make God help me, make e help me like the girl like my pickin ooo.... Make e help me bless him siblings oooooo... Make this beggi beggi stop oooo, my brother I want this, my brother I want that, him self come dey see himself as lord of all...As me I see say nothing I fit enjoy from their brother at least for now.. NA I'm make me tepa moshe oooooo.. If not... I no know what I for say o

sassysure:

A deep and insightful post.

U don't run a family based on emotions. Period.

More than half of dysfunctional families we have today are due to in law interferences.
They will run u down.

Never do anything u are not happy with.

If ur husband have refused to listen and there is a way u can invite your own people to come, all na one big happy family.

Hahaha ha.... Dat will be likened to an eye for an eye.. No I can't, Im only just wishing she and the kid won't feel bad if I was acting like they were not here, like do everything I was doing before their arrival without them feeling bad.

Suelove:
Dear Poster, I understand how it feels but first of all, don't respond to any comment that doesn't sit well with you. Obviously, the matter is eating you up and it seems you've once been taken for granted. Probably when you once shared an accommodation with people.

It's scary when you know how heavy your load is and someone still wants your shoulders to rest on. Nevertheless, you don't need to be hard/harsh on her. Can you afford renting her a room? If no, try to be friendly, manage your resources and most importantly try to treat all the children the same way.

Reason: Every child deserves kindness and a loving environment.

Our society is broken today due to the same ideology we grew up with and no wonder they drove their father's wife away. To fix this, we need to share love. By doing so, we're subconciously teaching the children that they are capable of loving and being compassionate in every situation.

Take a deep breath, relax and don't let it get into you. If you can afford to get her a room, please discuss it with your husband calmly not aggressively.

Neither do you need to talk to your husband as his boss. He might not be happy with the situation as well but needed to be acting that way. 1. because he doesn't know the way out due to his financial status, 2. to please his family..

Peace

Thanks my dear sister..... If I do get her an apartment, they'll say I don't want her in the house that's why I pushed her away, and no I can't give the money to her brother to help her get one... I'll rather give my sister who needs financial help... However, I guess I'll start learning how to live with their presence in the house.....

I don't have a choice.

Hmmmm

blood is thicker than water

Op, just do within your means, don't go out of your way to please anyone and please save for your kids

People that can gang up and throw their father's wife out , how much more you that is believed to collect most of their brother's money

Laeroy:


I am on a budget oo my brother... I have priorities ooo my family members are there oooo, their brother no dey extend his gestures go there ooo... He is the first born.... He is the only one doing okay(when I mean okay I mean his salary is just a little above 100k)out of the 6 of them.......
They rest of them basically live on their brother... Despite that two of them are married.... I have siblings that need help too but none of them disturb me... Cos they understand the peculiarity of my family..... My package every month is 30k and I do 5k savings each for my 3 kids.... I'm left with 20k...out of which I send some money to my parents and the rest if for my pocket money which I use to take car eof my kids and I... As I can't be eating only eba and rice everyday with no good fish or meat...... So my dear any other baggage at this point in my life is not allowed....

After all Galatians 6:5 says each and every one will bear his burdens

you have to be careful the way you treat people,you never know.
When I was entering secondary school,my in law paid my fees.not like my mom could not do it,but it's what family do for each other.
When I gained admission into the university,I got a cash gift from the same in law of 1million naira.
Mom could handle that no sweat,but na wetin family dey do for each other.
I had issues with customs one time trying to seize my goods,another in law of mine took the case on his head,spent his money and made sure my goods were released.not like I couldn't do it,but na wetin family dey do for each other.
This weekend,I was in jail for one huge 3 year old debt,deprived of the outside world and was to go to court by now,illegally(you know 9ja police na).I put a call to my sister's fiance,not even husband and he sent a full legal team to get me out.would I have called my mom to give her heart ache?no of course.
So the reason I am telling you all this is that be careful the way you treat family,they are the only ones that got your back!be it blood line or in-laws!
Marriage does not only bring 2 people together but 2 families too.
It is easy to hate on the poor girl now,but remember that tomorrow is pregnant!
My own little piece

Laeroy:


Thanks my dear sister..... If I do get her an apartment, they'll say I don't want her in the house that's why I pushed her away, and no I can't give the money to her brother to help her get one... I'll rather give my sister who needs financial help... However, I guess I'll start learning how to live with their presence in the house.....

I don't have a choice.

I really will not call you a wicked woman. Your husband made a mistake by allowing his siblings to come stay with you guys.
But I think this whole anger is far deeper than what you wrote. maybe hubby has done something to your own siblings that you are finding it difficult to forgive or the family did something to you that made you not want to associate with them anymore.
But sincerely life is beyond all these, showing love is not necessarily buying things for the kids. You don't owe anybody explanation of what you buy for your kids. But on a second thought ask yourself if they should do to you what you are doing to them, how will you feel?

Wow. See how hate is just flying here and there.

Madam OP, next time be careful with the sort of words you use. You probably may have typed with a lot of deep seated anger and in the process, used a lot of ugly words.

Now there are people saying you are wicked, bla bla, please ignore them, they’re most likely not married so they know NOTHING about what it feels like for your matrimonial home to be invaded, carefully planned and managed resources shared and promises broken.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow, it is still familiarity that will breed contempt.

There’s only so much good you can do.

Your husband broke a promise by allowing them stay, even longer than anticipated. It’s even more annoying that he’s complacent about the whole thing.

What happened to the house she was living in before? It didn’t collapse did it? No. She just decided that she doesn’t want to stay there alone and then your husband took her in and started making plans for renovations.

NIGERIANS ARE VERY GOOD AT OVER STAYING THEIR WELCOME; even worse, people that visit you without notifying you first.

No matter how much you try to be good and nice, no matter how much you smile with the woman and her kids, there will surely come a time when you can no longer do those things anymore.

Everyone at one point in their lives have had relatives who have come to spend holidays in their homes and after a while, you notice friction beginning to build and eventually, you just want them to go to their own houses.

The woman is only trying to earn more time and favor by being nice to your kids and I’m very sure she knows her continued presence there is just not right.

My dear, it is not wickedness. Do what you can do and don’t do what you cannot do. It’s not by force.

If it was an okay family, they’ll find somewhere to put her. Probably a single person or an older single person in the family or maybe even rent her another apartment.

WATCH, THE RICHEST MAN IN YOUR HUSBAND’S FAMILY WILL MOST LIKELY NOT TAKE HER BECAUSE THEY VALUE THEIR PRIVACY AND UNDERSTAND WHAT PLANNING RESOURCES AND STICKING TO THAT PLAN IS.

Besides, she can’t put her baby daddy duties on you and your husband. Abeg what’s that.

I understand where you're coming from. Finance is a major issue, and you cant afford to do things for 2 children at once.
Your own child too will just have to bear it for the period of time they are with you. You will have to deprive your child of some things, unless your husband of course agrees to drop money for his niece/ nephew.
That doesn't of course stop you from being kind and nice to your SIL and her child whenever you can afford to.
But understand nobody is perfect. Try and build relationships and not tear them down

Laeroy:


Thanks for being sincere with me...... I'm also being sincere with you... I'm wicked, I can't take care of my kid and hers.... I don't start what I can't finish.....

If it was my blood sister ill house her and her kids.... But she is not my sister nor her kids..

They also didn't think twice before they sent their fathers wife packing just one day after the burial..... I've realized in life that what is your own is yours and not the other way round..... She is nice to me no doubt but when the chips are down... Blood matters most....

Thanks for your sincere comment once again...

You know all these and you have made up your mind, why are you.seeking for an advise on a faceless forum?
You must be a very wicked Person.

Logobenz:
you have to be careful the way you treat people,you never know.
When I was entering secondary school,my in law paid my fees.not like my mom could not do it,but it's what family do for each other.
When I gained admission into the university,I got a cash gift from the same in law of 1million naira.
Mom could handle that no sweat,but na wetin family dey do for each other.
I had issues with customs one time trying to seize my goods,another in law of mine took the case on his head,spent his money and made sure my goods were released.not like I couldn't do it,but na wetin family dey do for each other.
This weekend,I was in jail for one huge 3 year old debt,deprived of the outside world and was to go to court by now,illegally(you know 9ja police na).I put a call to my sister's fiance,not even husband and he sent a full legal team to get me out.would I have called my mom to give her heart ache?no of course.
So the reason I am telling you all this is that be careful the way you treat family,they are the only ones that got your back!be it blood line or in-laws!
Marriage does not only bring 2 people together but 2 families too.
It is easy to hate on the poor girl now,but remember that tomorrow is pregnant!
My own little piece

You're actually right, no one knows tomorrow!!, I'll try everything I can to tame the beast in me, I only just expressed how I feel bout the whole issue, this night we had good time together just that we didn't feed well, I sent a message to her brother while at work that soup has finished, but he didn't even reply, he came home and didn't say anything, he didn't ask for food, you know why? He has already eaten outside before coming in, this is just one of the attitude he puts up if he doesn't want to drop money for feeding at home. Prior to Her coming to live with us, he doesn't care if we feed or not when he is sometimes broke, now that his sister has come to join us with her kid, those times he doesn't drop money for feeding, do they expect me to feed the family morning and night? Do they also expect that I provide snacks for the little girl, etc

Logobenz:
you have to be careful the way you treat people,you never know.
When I was entering secondary school,my in law paid my fees.not like my mom could not do it,but it's what family do for each other.
When I gained admission into the university,I got a cash gift from the same in law of 1million naira.
Mom could handle that no sweat,but na wetin family dey do for each other.
I had issues with customs one time trying to seize my goods,another in law of mine took the case on his head,spent his money and made sure my goods were released.not like I couldn't do it,but na wetin family dey do for each other.
This weekend,I was in jail for one huge 3 year old debt,deprived of the outside world and was to go to court by now,illegally(you know 9ja police na).I put a call to my sister's fiance,not even husband and he sent a full legal team to get me out.would I have called my mom to give her heart ache?no of course.
So the reason I am telling you all this is that be careful the way you treat family,they are the only ones that got your back!be it blood line or in-laws!
Marriage does not only bring 2 people together but 2 families too.
It is easy to hate on the poor girl now,but remember that tomorrow is pregnant!
My own little piece

Exactly. You said it all.

People like op live only for the moment , they forget there is no one way to life and this life is deep.

It doesnt hurt to show kindness.

Laeroy:


You're actually right, no one knows tomorrow!!, I'll try everything I can to tame the beast in me, I only just expressed how I feel bout the whole issue, this night we had good time together just that we didn't feed well, I sent a message to her brother while at work that soup has finished, but he didn't even reply, he came home and didn't say anything, he didn't ask for food, you know why? He has already eaten outside before coming in, this is just one of the attitude he puts up if he doesn't want to drop money for feeding at home. Prior to Her coming to live with us, he doesn't care if we feed or not when he is sometimes broke, now that his sister has come to join us with her kid, those times he doesn't drop money for feeding, do they expect me to feed the family morning and night? Do they also expect that I provide snacks for the little girl, etc

ah I see where you are coming from dear laeroy.
Money can bring issues where there should be none!I understand that fact.
What I meant was try as much as you can WITHIN YOUR POWER to make sure her stay with you is satisfactory.that is what I mean.
If you ever need someone to talk to,I'm just a phone call away.
Love your family friend,las las na only dem really care about you.
There is no such thing as friends,only interests!
I would have loved to tell you more things but I can't type much.
Would have called you but it is late,some other time girl.
Be good

tabithababy:
Hmmmm

blood is thicker than water

Op, just do within your means, don't go out of your way to please anyone and please save for your kids

People that can gang up and throw their father's wife out , how much more you that is believed to collect most of their brother's money

At first they believed I was collecting their brothers money, but when they moved closer, they saw that their brother wasn't even taking care of me the way a husband should , although , their brother was able to setup and furnish the house, but i always remind them that the laundry shop we opened, 95percent of the equipment used for it was purchased by me, so to a greater extent they know I'm not a liability to their brother, even the small car we bought, I contributed 45% of the money, that's why they dare not speak rudely or harsh to me, if I was a total liability to their brother or worst still not learned, I actually do know what they're capable of doing, but in their depths of heart I know they all pretend to like me when we are together but when we are far apart, something else will be said of me and that's why at this point in my life want to curtail their excesses but I guess my actions if taken will be termed wicked and cruel.

nnamdibig:
I really will not call you a wicked woman. Your husband made a mistake by allowing his siblings to come stay with you guys.
But I think this whole anger is far deeper than what you wrote. maybe hubby has done something to your own siblings that you are finding it difficult to forgive or the family did something to you that made you not want to associate with them anymore.
But sincerely life is beyond all these, showing love is not necessarily buying things for the kids. You don't owe anybody explanation of what you buy for your kids. But on a second thought ask yourself if they should do to you what you are doing to them, how will you feel?

I don't treat them with disdain ma. Besides.... The time we get to see is in the morning and night, in the morning I have to prepare breakfast, sometimes I want my child to eat something special to school like toast bread and sardine, yam and egg, jollof rice and crayfish ND add some snacks to her lunch pack (these their brother has never done, except to provide money for rice, and stew, rice and stew, Eva and the likes). Can I actually give those special stuffs to my daughter and not add anything to her daughters lunch pack without she feeling bad...
As for the question, of course if they do same to me, as the human that I am I will feel bad but on a second thought too, Its my possession and I choose to do whatever pleases me with it... I have told her this evening that she should save the Lil change she has and always go to meet her brother for anything she wants, however the same brother doesn't always grant her request.

eyinjuege:
I understand where you're coming from. Finance is a major issue, and you cant afford to do things for 2 children at once.
Your own child too will just have to bear it for the period of time they are with you. You will have to deprive your child of some things, unless your husband of course agrees to drop money for his niece/ nephew.
That doesn't of course stop you from being kind and nice to your SIL and her child whenever you can afford to.
But understand nobody is perfect. Try and build relationships and not tear them down

Of course, I don't really have an issue with her stay in the house, she was alone with us in the house when she went to pick her child to come start living with us, her child is a year older than mine theyre play mate, there are somethings ill like to do for her Dat involves finance, how do I do it for my child alone without she getting hurt.... So I managed to buy one pack of happy hour drink, chin chin and popcorn, dat lasts for a term, I begin to share it with her, where will I get to balance the rest for the term.... Or if I decide to give her today, I give my child tomorrow and not give her, how will she feel... Or better still I already budgeted fruits my child consumes for a week, I begin to share with her and stop at some point how will she feel.... Is it okay if I do it and not always?? Or I don't do at all..

Remember I still have a smaller baby I single handedly buy diaper and formula for, the father only drops money for diaper when he feels like....

@mrAMG2, thanks for the advice my brother. THAT'S THE DILEMMA I'M IN BROTHER, DO I DO IT SOMETIMES AND NOT ALWAYS, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE TIMES I DON'T DO IT, WONT I BE PERCEIVED AS DECEPTIVE FROM INCEPTION

If she respects u.then u have no issue.make her ur friend.welcome her pls esp because of the kid.
I know it will seem things are off in ur home but it will not last forever.that baby may turn out to be ur helper esp to ur kids tomorrow.

Hmmmm Nairalander, why all the insult on the lady, shes been realistic with herself.
If she believes the husband is deviating from the plan they had by taking such burdens she has all fu***ng right to be annoyed.
The burden is much for her to bare in her husband house. Let her husband do the needful.

Advice to u: use your head don't let anyone turn you to office, you dint go to the marriage to be a philanthropist.be kind to the children in such a way that wouldn't affect you and your children

@Logobenz please can you explain what you mean by there is no such thing as friends, only interest. Thanks.

Logobenz:
ah I see where you are coming from dear laeroy.
Money can bring issues where there should be none!I understand that fact.
What I meant was try as much as you can WITHIN YOUR POWER to make sure her stay with you is satisfactory.that is what I mean.
If you ever need someone to talk to,I'm just a phone call away.
Love your family friend,las las na only dem really care about you.
There is no such thing as friends,only interests!
I would have loved to tell you more things but I can't type much.
Would have called you but it is late,some other time girl.
Be good

missidy:
@Logobenz please can you explain what you mean by there is no such thing as friends, only interest. Thanks.

people come close to each other not for love,but for the things they can gain from one another.
The only way to keep that is to keep having that interest(mostly money out here) and keep being the stronger or better one!
Friends rarely have your back,family does.
Family won't sell you out when things go bad.friends will if the condition for exposing you favours them.
I could go on and on.....
Personally I don't keep friends anymore!it's a collosal waste of time,energy and resources.

Laeroy:
@mrAMG2, thanks for the advice my brother. THAT'S THE DILEMMA I'M IN BROTHER, DO I DO IT SOMETIMES AND NOT ALWAYS, WHAT HAPPENS TO THE TIMES I DON'T DO IT, WONT I BE PERCEIVED AS DECEPTIVE FROM INCEPTION

My dear, you are not wicked. You are only being realistic. People who haven't walked in same shoes under thesame conditions have no right to judge you, cos its easier said than done.

I have walked through these same shoes before; infact currently walking in same shoes, but from my experience, there is a mistake you're making which I want to point out.

You see, any scenario that happens in a matrimonial home, if not orchestrated by God, is allowed by God.
What does that mean? It means the solution lies in Him, not in any advice you receive here on NL. The good thing is that once you SINCERELY ask him to help you; the way and speed with which He'll step in, even you, will marvel.

Your responses are filled with 'Self'. Let go of self and submit to God's help. He is willing; just ask him, allow him and WAIT.

I am currently in the best place I've ever being in my marriage; enjoying my marriage more than I've ever done in the past. Is it because my experiences differ from yours? No. It is because instead of seeking for advice from mere mortals like myself(who might even be going through worse in their own lives), I asked the One who understood better than anyone els; and the way He spranged up, even I was surprised 'cos He did MUCH MORE than I asked for in that situation.

I hope you take a clue from this. I wish you all the best