Vyvyanvyvy:

I foot 70% of the bills , I pay my daughter school fee including my first child with my husband I pay half of her school fee ,all my son need is a place to stay, my husband won’t be the one paying his school fee

It's not as easy as you think for the man to accept that... Meanwhile your relative couldn't help and you don't want to take the child to his biological father...I think you should let your husband be don't push him.

U born two pikin for someone and u no get him contact. Abi their papa don die tell us

Pls, go and take that boy back. guard and guide him proper. Don't be so selfish to bring an innocent boy in this world and suffer him. He is innocent of all the bullshit going on between you and your Ex.
Think in the end your current husband may live you but that child will stick to you forever. He will never forget your sacrifices.
You're a mother pls act accordingly.
Remember what you suffered during pregnancy and labour. That child needs you now than ever.

janvier27:
Your son is not a thief. He's a small child who found himself in an unfortunate situation, and he'll surely get over it. He needs love and attention. It's difficult not to place blames. I think you should have allowed those kids to get older before marriage. Your elder brother has failed you. So also your husband. Keep appealing to your husband or take a break off to live with your kids and show them love so that they can grow properly. Marriage is not all about keeping a woman at home and raising biological children from her.

This is so easy for you to say...

Would you allow a boy who steals to come into your home and be a negative influence on the other children there?!

OP is not saying the truth, some things are missing. All I see here is someone looking for self pity. You keep on talking about your husband financial status like you don't know his financial status before getting married to him. How possible will he love your daughter without buying anything for her even sweet and biscuit? Haba!! Stop bragging, plead with you husband, make him understand. Someone that loves u and your daughter will love your son. I doubt the story if they are both legally married self.

innobarca:
You had kids with a man and his friends and family does not know?you also do not want to find his relatives?
In Nigeria? I do not want to believe that.

Some women be forming smartness but when it is time to be smart, they will fail woefully.

Single mothers that are capable of taking care of their kids do not send them to live with relatives... From what I have seen around.

You foot 70% of the bills but you can't send your child to a good boarding school? Or you are just talking bla bla bla.

Finally.... Nobody failed you, take full responsibility of your mistakes.
Your relatives has tried for you in taking care of your child, its difficult to handle a stubborn child, very difficult.

The child has a father, the father has relatives.

I pay this, I pay that..... You don't need to say all that.

Who knows maybe you will also leave your current husband soon, Later move to the 3rd man.

May God bless you with more wisdom!

These are my exact thoughts and comments here.

Vyvyanvyvy:
I had 2 children. When I got married, my husband had none and accepted them like his own children.

Before marriage, we had discussed about the children living with us after marriage but that couldn’t be possible anymore because we were having financial problem so we couldn’t afford to move to a bigger apartment. We were staying in a room self contain with my daughter while my son was staying with my elder brother and his wife.

Now three years after we had moved to a bigger house still my husband doesn’t want my son to come and live with us. At the moment my son is going through hard times. My sister in law has been maltreating him to an extent that he has been stealing, he was caught and beaten like an animal. My brother said he doesn’t want him in his house again. He wants me to come and collect him.

I pleaded with my husband for me to bring him with us but he said no, he should stay there because he doesn't want him to damage our children. I’m angry at him I stopped talking to him and I don’t know where my son will go because I have no mother no father it’s only my elder brother and kid sister even my sister who is married doesn’t want him. I’m pained and in tears seeing my only son suffering while I’m still alive and I’m helpless to protect him.

how many years old is he?

Vyvyanvyvy:

My son wasn’t a thief when he was staying with me he used to eat 3 square meals but in my brother he doesn’t eat like that , the wife always deprived him of foods and the boy had not other choice than to go and steel which is was a wrong step. That’s why I want him back with me because when he is here he will eat and won’t have any bad ideas about steeling

Does he at least go to school over there?

Give him up for adoption.
Don't take this in a wrong way, there are still GOOD FAMILIES, that:
1. Don't have kids YET;
2. Their children has traveled out/ all married;
3. Those who want big families etc... They are in our society and you can find one.

bosstim:
This is bullshit, arant nonsense.. Was he not aware that she had two kids already before marrying her And what's wore is that they even had an agreement that eventually they'll all stay together like the family which they are and now he is backing out from it...... Sorry ma'am your husband isn't trust worthy.
Davash222, lemme tell you what a real man will do. A real man will always keep to his words, and yeah the boy might have gone haywire but a real man will take the boy in and be a father figure to him, he'll mentor him in the right direction. It's so pathetic that you're even the first person to comment. #TypicalNigerianMan that's what you are, so thoughtless............

Yes, I agree. He should accept the boy.
But women are also selfish.
She will choose her son over her husband but she expects her husband to choose her over everyone else. Can the husband invites his mother to live with them without any complaint from her?

Since your son still has his father alive, then let him go and be leaving with his biological father to take full responsibility of him. That is it

Vyvyanvyvy:
I had 2 children. When I got married, my husband had none and accepted them like his own children.

Before marriage, we had discussed about the children living with us after marriage but that couldn’t be possible anymore because we were having financial problem so we couldn’t afford to move to a bigger apartment. We were staying in a room self contain with my daughter while my son was staying with my elder brother and his wife.

Now three years after we had moved to a bigger house still my husband doesn’t want my son to come and live with us. At the moment my son is going through hard times. My sister in law has been maltreating him to an extent that he has been stealing, he was caught and beaten like an animal. My brother said he doesn’t want him in his house again. He wants me to come and collect him.

I pleaded with my husband for me to bring him with us but he said no, he should stay there because he doesn't want him to damage our children. I’m angry at him I stopped talking to him and I don’t know where my son will go because I have no mother no father it’s only my elder brother and kid sister even my sister who is married doesn’t want him. I’m pained and in tears seeing my only son suffering while I’m still alive and I’m helpless to protect him.

I can imagine what this situation looks like for you. While it seems insensitive for your husband to reject your son, you may also have to consider the fact that's he's being cautious, given the reports of your son's bad behavior, this always happens when kids don't grow up with their parents. It will take some diplomacy to convince him, apparently he doesn't want the extra responsibility of training him now.

You need to convince him that you'll take the lion share of the responsibility of disciplining your son, that you'll engage him at your store and make sure he becomes responsible, that you'll get help in doing this, maybe take him to your pastor or a counselor for counseling regularly, and register him in good christian School for examples, and other measures you can think of...all in efforts to make him well behaved and not spoil his own children like he fears (even though there are no guarantees with his own kids o ).

In all just make a plan for the foreseeable future, say until he goes to the university, and try to talk to him about it again. Or get help from someone he would listen to, but honestly that person should be you.

I hope things work out, so your son is protected. Try hard, because he's going to get worse without parental care. Cheers!

letskeeptalking:


You foot 70% of bills in your house and yet you allow your husband to dictate to you what to do with your own son.

Madam, I don't think you are a serious person.

Personally I will rather be single than be with a man who will stand between me and my children. Even if I have to live in poverty. But you are financially capable, you just want to answer 'Mrs' at the expense of your child.

After bouncing him off relatives for years, you are now using your husband as an excuse to run from your duty.

Shame!

Be careful here. She foots 70% of the bills and so? Who built the house? Who owns the house? Who opened her business for her. If the answers to all this questions are the husband who recedes abroad then she doesn't have any choice but to patiently attempt reasoning with the man. But then the boy is 12 and can still be formed so she has to take the bullet and best the grudges or loose him forever.
My advice would be this. Even if, if it's the man that owns the house and opened the business for her. Since he doesn't live in the country, she should close her eyes and take her son in. It will cause a big problem in her home cos her hubby will be mad but she can settle it with him after a while. The action is necessary cos a 12 yr old boy can still be formed and put right but if she waits any longer she looses him completely.

Vyvyanvyvy:

I foot 70% of the bills , I pay my daughter school fee including my first child with my husband I pay half of her school fee ,all my son need is a place to stay, my husband won’t be the one paying his school fee

The man is worried about that son influencing the other kids negatively.
Whatever that made ur brother and other siblings to reject taking him in has also affected ur husband free accepting to take him in.
Stealing is a very bad habit. It takes time to leave whoever that practices it.

That you are the one taking care of the higher percentage of the bills does not give u the right to bring in anyone into the man's house.
All you need is to calm down and have a very reasonable talk with the man.
Bn angry with him can't solve ur problem.
Refusing to talk to him will even harden his heart more in his decision.

You also said ur husband won't be the one paying the child's school fees. This sounds funny to me.
Do u mean that if ur husband brings out money for the other kids school fees and refuse to bring out for that boy, you will be comfortable with it?

Madam forget about how much u bring to the house cos it's of a little relevant to this issue.
But if u feel so much confident in how much u bring to the house, divorce the man, then become a single mother. Get your own house and bring in anyone u wish to.

Vyvyanvyvy:

He will be 12 years in August , my daughter is 6 years, I have one daughter for my husband she is 2 years and I’m pregnant with another one. Their father is not in Nigeria and I don’t have his contact or his siblings. Yes I have a grocery shop I foot 70% bills in my house

Hello sister, even if he married you when you have 12 children, you deserve some respect and security for your children. I was a mutual agreement as you said as such, since you have try to explain to him but he refused to understand, report the situation to anyone he respects so much, not necessarily his family members. And if he refuses after that, it means he doesn't really love you wholly. You can then take your decision because a caring mother cannot let his mother suffered when still living.

Oyindidi:
Na Alien you born with?

Don't talk like that. You don't know what went wrong in the first relationship that probably made her not to keep contact with the children's father and relatives.

From my experience, I had a bad experience with my son's father and family. And since I took my son to come live with my husband and I, over 10yrs now I chose not to have any contact with them and as such and I don't know there whereabout. My son, though he knows my husband is not his biological father, but he treats and respects him as one because my husband treated him first as a son. He on his own chose to use his name as his surname when when he was registering for waec last 2yrs.

We just adopted a daughter last month, she's just 5yrs u need to see how much they play and communicate.

We need to learn to love other people's children as ours coz in actual sense, no child belongs to us but God. We are just privileged caretakers. If we have this understanding, the world will be a better place.

SecretSpy666:


God bless you sir/ma. That is the point. The woman is a wayward woman who do not have regard for her family or the family of whoever sample her. If she has a good relationship with her family, at least one person will accommodate her child. I will never marry a woman who do not care about knowing my family members. This woman doesn't deserve a man. Highly irresponsible

I don't think she got married to the father or fathers of the children. She just gave birth to the children, there was nothing like introduction or traditional wedding. If there was any she and her relatives will have the contact of the father or fathers of her children.

Mymynd4u:


Pls update us ooo.. We will be waiting . Make I book seat and pls




Mention me when u come back with the latest..

Create a new thread and mention me

lol

I wouldn't advice you to take him to a boarding school yet. The bad habits need to be stopped & this will be through love & care. The lord will teach you on how to get your son to stay with you because that's the only thing he needs now. If that man truly do love you&your son, he wouldn't be at peace& happy knowing that you are unhappy about your son's situation. Talk to someone you know that can talk to your husband. The lord will lead you.

kpada22:
Hello sister, even if he married you when you have 12 children, you deserve some respect and security for your children. I was a mutual agreement as you said as such, since you have try to explain to him but he refused to understand, report the situation to anyone he respects so much, not necessarily his family members. And if he refuses after that, it means he doesn't really love you wholly. You can then take your decision because a caring mother cannot let his mother suffered when still living.

Gbam, I agree with you.

Vyvyanvyvy:

I foot 70% of the bills , I pay my daughter school fee including my first child with my husband I pay half of her school fee ,all my son need is a place to stay, my husband won’t be the one paying his school fee

Madam congrats, but all this info is totally unnecessary. Tomorrow, the financial table may turn, and your husband might be the one paying 100% of the bills sef, so let's keep this information about you laying the bills separately.


So back to the issue, you should understand by now that its not an issue of the bills, its the fact that there is a 90% chance your son might be a bad egg and influence his siblings if he comes. I know its hard and painful to accept (because you're a good mother and your seeing with the eyes of love and emotion, but.....your husband is seeing with the eyes of logic and facts).

The truth is, that he is married to you, doesn't mandate him to automatically share in all your baggages, BUT WITH LOVE HE CAN. But you need to also understand from his own point. Stop seeing it only with yours. Keeping malice with him don't solve the issue. You need solutions

1. Your son himself needs help. That's the key point here. Not even your husband. I sense lack of a loving home and loving parents pushed him this far. You need to strategize on pouring love to him. Any child in his shoes will feel his parents hate him, or are ashamed of him. How do we find a solution to this. (Note I said we, because I'm sincerely concerned abt this child with you ma)


2. You shouldn't have immediately opted out for an instant reunification with the child into you and your husband's home. It has to be gradual. A weekend visit, space, a week, space, a month, space, school holidays space etc.

3. Now, the reason I said this above, is because we need to prove to hubby that your child isnt altogether bad and all. Now, you have to talk facts to your child. Apologise to him for not being involved in his life...(this looks unnecessary but the mind of kids are funny, he might even be silently angry with you) advise him that his best shot at staying with you now, is his good behaviour and turning of a new leaf. Appeal to his emotional side to change.
Off course it won't be instant, but gradually.


4. Point out his good sides and expected behavioural change to hubby. Slowly and surely Hubby's mind will change. You too calm down, dont be angry or spoil things.

I'm with you on this. If you need my help or further advise, please feel free to pm me. Together, it will be all right.
Amen

It's two things, he knew that u have kids before right..


Wake him up in the middle of the night, kneel, cry do anything u know u can do in your power to accept the boy.

Or

Go and Take the child come into the house then if he asked you why he is there, tell him that they have sent him away that somebody called you to come and pick him. So if he later called you to discuss how he cannot accept him to stay with you, tell him you have heard him but should just give u a little time to orientate him a and to search where he's going to stay..

So you can decide to keep dribble him or send him to boarding school after you are sure that your son is changed.. Remember it's your only son for now oo, remember to take good care of him. God will see you true.

It's about wisdom




Here is a tip for your child to change.
Wake him up early for talk in the morning, be telling him how you love him and how you see him as your gold for your future, tell him about his responsibility he has because of his juniors sister. Tell him how he suppose to be a father to them. Tell him how you see him as your second husband. Try to curtain him with sweet word and be praying for him everyday. Let him be attending children Church and discuss with their teacher there to be talking to him, you can explain ur situations to them. I believe by God grace, he will not take much time for him to be change.

Richy4:


I can just imagine what that boy will be thinking and going through at the moment psychologically

... he might be thinking that his mother is alive yet he was living as if he was dead... She prefer the other siblings and no one loves him
--- that might even be the reason why he was acting out the way he was doing.
---Try and sit your husband down and explain things to him in a cordial and rational way. if not, you gonna have a 'damaged Adult Young Man" in future with excess baggage.. Who might become a threat to the society. This is the right time to shape him.. he might be the pillar of your household some day.. tell your man not to right him off.. It is still early..

If your man was being unreasonable, then swallow your pride and send him to his own biological dad... Make out time and visit him every fortnight.. It's better instead of him being homeless or a street kid

Saintmary:
Very simple, travel to your brother's place, pick up your son, bring him home.
If your husband is a sensible man, he will only leave your child's upkeep to you without raising hell. Good luck.

Don't try this advice cos you end up divorced having 4 kids to raise alone.

Maybe jump to another man and find your self in bigger mess than u are now.

Just keep begging your husband and try tune him into accepting the baby staying with you people rather than disobeying him.

While doing so, try getting in contact with his father cos this your story of not knowing his people or having contacts with him is a total lie.

Go back from the rot where he used to stay, his friends... U can't tell me u stayed with a man n had 2kids with him yet don't know how to get in contact with him

I share your opinion completely. my problem with ladies is thinking that getting married to a man is the end of your problem. if you have two child( boy and girl) what else are you rushing into by marrying another man without giving your children the sense of belonging? I always use my mother as a typical example, I lost my Dad when I was about 5years old in primary 1 with a younger brother. My mother stayed with the two of us till today. she huzzle and use garri to feed the two of us. As I am talking to you now, I have traveled round the world, presently doing my PhD in a top world university. madam, hard work and patience pays. please ladies try and be resilience in your approach to life, not all about marriage sometimes.

janvier27
post=87380517:
Your son is not a thief. He's a small child who found himself in an unfortunate situation, and he'll surely get over it. He needs love and attention. It's difficult not to place blames. I think you should have allowed those kids to get older before marriage. Your elder brother has failed you. So also your husband. Keep appealing to your husband or take a break off to live with your kids and show them love so that they can grow properly. Marriage is not all about keeping a woman at home and raising biological children from her.

xyz123456:

Men, you see your life.... Some of us are mumu. Real mumu. You see the thinking of most women, it's their children first. Not husband. And some men will be taking their wife as first abandoning friends & family.
Some Men are real mumu.

Modern men these days take their jobs, hobbies and children as first before their wives.

Vyvyanvyvy:

I foot 70% of the bills , I pay my daughter school fee including my first child with my husband I pay half of her school fee ,all my son need is a place to stay, my husband won’t be the one paying his school fee

Then rent one room apartment for him close to you for proper monitoring.

SenecaTheYonger:


Does he at least go to school over there?

Yes he used to go to school ever since he stole my brother has stopped him and he has being staying at home for almost 3 weeks now. My brother is waiting for me to come and pick him up and he has given me till next week to come collect him. That’s why I am going to pick him up this Sunday

Oyindidi:
Lol, men hate independent women see as e dey pain you

No ooo, I/we love independent women.

Vyvyanvyvy:

He will be 12 years in August , my daughter is 6 years, I have one daughter for my husband she is 2 years and I’m pregnant with another one. Their father is not in Nigeria and I don’t have his contact or his siblings. Yes I have a grocery shop I foot 70% bills in my house

Madam also, please stop stating everywhere that you foot the bill, you foot the bill. Let's use maturity and wisdom in this matter.

Belafonte:


This is the entitlement we are talking about. How did her elder brother fail her? By refusing to house a thief? Do bear in mind that may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Why doesn’t she send the boy to his father, after all, he’s alive

He's 12 ffs.

Your husband doesn't have any obligatory role to take of your son. Though he has to accept you as a single mother to bear his children to him and not to spend his entire life training another man's child. If you think you have what it takes, why can you establish your children somewhere and somehow and foot their bills since the original father is irresponsible?
and that's why marrying a single mother is disgusting because the lady is looking for a man that will help her raise those children. Some might have the financial and moral capacity while some might not have it. So, young woman, take your new husband as he is. Respect yourself and keep your children elsewhere or you go with your children and leave the man alone. A lot of guys die prematurely because of the family burden they are carrying. So you can't go and committing shit somewhere and be expecting one foolish man to solve your shit.