pozehnani:
Childish behavior. Why the fend for yourself idea when you plan to marry her?
She should dump you and never look back because your type can make marriage hellish for a woman.

This mentality of yours is so bad and it will make you lose a lot. You better drop it before aze wunyen a gba gi there.

Neoteny:
Compensate her for the 3 years of her life you've wasted then leave her the fukk alone, you conceited POS.

thecommunist:
Going by the numerous cases of disgruntled US based Nigerian husbands killing off thier overbearing wives that they sponsored to the US, I would advice you to marry her...but make sure you guys sign a prenuptial agreement. Peace be until you.

lefulefu:
op u said u have been dating her for three good years before u left nigeria.so u suppose don know the type of woman she be nau.nobody can give u any good advice on this one.Its not like she is total stranger and was arranged by ur parents or friends.This one na woman wey u know for three years.If it was a stranger arranged by ur family in nigeria then i go say risk dey but since u say and this girl don main for three years na u go know the type of woman she is and weda it would be wise to invite her over or let her stay back in naija.

Yamiriflathead:


Do nigerian women also come back home to marry their boyfriend's of EX's?
I have never seen any such scenario all my LIFE

canttedra:

I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.

Chii59:

After 3 years, you're not sure about marriage. May God drive your type far away from me. Amen

longetivity:
What if she gets over there and start doing u hanky panky. I mean you know how these vagina people behave

canttedra:

I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.

canttedra:

I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.

Sixfeetbelle:


This isn't even about love or marriage for this guy. It's about principles and when principled people are forced to compromise for someone, they may end up hating that person for life.

On a normal, he would have married her. But she isn't yet at the level he wants for her which is why he's hesitating. In years to come if she gets to that level, he will readily marry her but till that happens, he'd always hesitate about marrying her.

It's more like a Lecturer in the department of Medicine dating a jambite who wants to be a medical doctor but her jamb score is low for that department. Now normally, you can 'help' her cut off mark so she will be admitted into the dept based on say you're a lecturer there and because you love her, but because of his principles, if he helps her, she looses value in his eyes and his love may diminish.

So, people should stop advising him to marry her to help her come over. She'd be forever indebted to him that way and he'd never value her. He should break off things with her and go find a lady who's already has a visa and marry.

I would not advise the lady to marry him at all. She'd regret it in years to come.

LordKO:
From your far-reached resolution and connotation of your submission, you don't believe in altruism/love, then don't sponsor her immigration via a spousal visa. You'll be better off having a contract marriage with her or any other woman, for your peace of mind in particular and sanity of the both of you in general. I expect you to man up and tell her boldly that you don't believe in love, instead of taking to disingenuousness in relating with her, and allow her to decide whether or not to continue with whatever that exists between the two of you.

However, assuming that you're a proponent and practitioner of altruism/love, I don't see anything wrong in one sponsoring his fiancee or wife's immigration via a spousal visa; all the news about betrayal happening and flying around notwithstanding. The reason is simple, whatever cause I believe in, I give my best, and I don't condone anyone who doesn't meet my set ethical standard.

So, anyone I vetted and chose as a lover/wife, I've always accorded her the privilege of being part and parcel of me as a proponent of oneness, while staying a discerning step ahead of her, of course. You need to master the art of giving everything without losing anything and walking out like a boss when things turn sour.

Meanwhile, opportunism and its peripheral vice aren't female gender exclusive, because personally, in an issue like this, I have suffered more betrayal from fellow men; well, that's because they've been my major beneficiaries. My motto in this regard is simple, betray me, shame on you; outsmart me, shame on me.

Love remains a sign of strength, not weakness.

lefulefu:
u have a good point here..though i wasnt advising him to marry her ..i said since he has been with her for sometime he ought to know the type of woman she is character wise.Three years is enough for u to at least study a person and even if u cant predict the person hundred percent at least u would know certain things such a person can do.u dont need the advice of other ppl.This is one is not even an arranged relationship sef..like those ones who are based overseas and would tell their friends based on naija to look for a wife for them.This one has been with the woman for three years.This one would be like a guy dating a light skinned girl and someone out of the blue would tell him to leave that light skinned girl cos all light skinned girls are marine possessed and just like that the guy would dump his light skin girlfriend of many years cos his friend told him that light skin girls are marine spirit.Is such a man not foolish?

Mindlog:
To cut the long short, since you are not even sure you want to marry the lady then redirect your energy on women around you there in the US who have finished Grad school and get yourself a bride.

At least it eliminates you sharing the tiring story of how ungrateful your Nigerian raised wife is after you relocated to her the US.

You are not her Messiah and stop feeling her future is in your hands.

Be open with her, so she can move on and focus her attention on other men.

canttedra:
The recent topic on the home page motivated me to make this post, anonymously of course.

We were dating before I left Nigeria. We've been dating for about three years. Sometime last year I got a new job in the US (I schooled there so it was easy), and moved away from the country. Until a few weeks ago, we talked nearly every other day. It's always fun talking to her. But lately, things have started to get a little rough because of something that came up, and which I would like to believe is not my fault.

Prior to dating her, since I was a kid in university, I made myself a few promises relating to women:

1. I will never pay a woman's school fees
2. I will never rent a house or apartment for a woman, nor furnish an existing apartment
3. I will never sponsor a woman abroad.

Of course, this does not mean that I won't buy a woman gifts (I do that regularly), or take her on a nice trip. I just do not envisage myself pulling a woman up the social ladder. I prefer she makes her own growth moves as it relates to finances or relocation.

I made these promises based on the fact that I expected that whomever I make a partner should be able to make something of their own selves. I do not want to be anybody's savior or anyone's get-out-of-jail card. This resolution has made lose a few women in the past who thought the relationship should be based on what they can get out of it, and my girlfriend knows this.

The situation right now is that there is a path for her to come to America through studying. We already talked about her applying for graduate studies and then transitioning here into a better job. However, she now feels that would be stressful and may not work. Instead, she thinks it's better if I return to Nigeria this December to marry her and then sponsor her eventually to the US. That's not going to happen. This has created a rift and we have not been talking for a while now.

Am I being unreasonable here? How can I make her realize she can be her own person and not have to depend on someone else to "sponsor" her? It just drives me nuts that she knows this about me but is now vehemently insisting that this is the only viable option.

amliftedhigher:
Leave her in Nigeria, I repeat leave her in Nigeria.
By the time she join a women association called "make husband burn" by then you will know your fate.

SamNaijaboy:
Sacrifice Ko, Sacrificial lamb ni

If roles were reversed, would she sacrifice? always looking for men to spend and work for you. How many Nigerian women have ever bought anything more than $100 for their men, yet will be looking for cars and gifts & things costing $10,000. You think we are going to be dumb forever?
Keep your one-sided love dear

Well, you have a point too.
But then, it depends on the sort of girls around you...and the sort you attract.
The girl in question may be equally cold, rude, selfish and uncaring and to that, I'd say, let her rot where she is.

But truly, there well meaning girls worthy of love and who have family oriented values.
These are the ones I speak for.

thorpido:
Do you want to marry her?

If you desire her as a partner and you are old enough and ready to settle down,why is marrying her and bringing her abroad an issue? Isn't she going to be a part of you and you grow together?

canttedra:

I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.

GboyegaD:
Oga, do you intend marrying her? If yes, why not do the marriage? Let her come in on the spousal visa of the class you are on and then pursue the graduate admission you want her to have.

The key should be do you trust her and love her enough to be your wife and also, is she responsible enough not to misbehave?

GboyegaD:
Oga, do you intend marrying her? If yes, why not do the marriage? Let her come in on the spousal visa of the class you are on and then pursue the graduate admission you want her to have.

The key should be do you trust her and love her enough to be your wife and also, is she responsible enough not to misbehave?

canttedra:

I love her. I'm not sure about marriage yet, but it could happen with her.

canttedra:
The recent topic on the home page motivated me to make this post, anonymously of course.

We were dating before I left Nigeria. We've been dating for about three years. Sometime last year I got a new job in the US (I schooled there so it was easy), and moved away from the country. Until a few weeks ago, we talked nearly every other day. It's always fun talking to her. But lately, things have started to get a little rough because of something that came up, and which I would like to believe is not my fault.

Prior to dating her, since I was a kid in university, I made myself a few promises relating to women:

1. I will never pay a woman's school fees
2. I will never rent a house or apartment for a woman, nor furnish an existing apartment
3. I will never sponsor a woman abroad.

Of course, this does not mean that I won't buy a woman gifts (I do that regularly), or take her on a nice trip. I just do not envisage myself pulling a woman up the social ladder. I prefer she makes her own growth moves as it relates to finances or relocation.

I made these promises based on the fact that I expected that whomever I make a partner should be able to make something of their own selves. I do not want to be anybody's savior or anyone's get-out-of-jail card. This resolution has made lose a few women in the past who thought the relationship should be based on what they can get out of it, and my girlfriend knows this.

The situation right now is that there is a path for her to come to America through studying. We already talked about her applying for graduate studies and then transitioning here into a better job. However, she now feels that would be stressful and may not work. Instead, she thinks it's better if I return to Nigeria this December to marry her and then sponsor her eventually to the US. That's not going to happen. This has created a rift and we have not been talking for a while now.

Am I being unreasonable here? How can I make her realize she can be her own person and not have to depend on someone else to "sponsor" her? It just drives me nuts that she knows this about me but is now vehemently insisting that this is the only viable option.