For the past couple of days, I my wife and my SIL have read all the comments being said in regards to what my SIL posted. First of all, I would like to state categorically here that I did not ask her or anybody to post my family issue online for deliberation. I know she is concerned about her cousin but I know how biased people can be especially Nigerians when it comes to issues like this and it is for this very reason I wanted our problems handled in house. Some of your comments have caused my wife a whole lot of distress but I thank God for the strong woman she is and it is because of this that I have chosen to respond just this once on this issue of my ex to set the story straight.

First of all, I have nothing to gain or loose by lying or making up stories about my ex. I am not that bitter of a man. She is the mother of my children and nothing can change that but whatever we had between us is over. We met in the University, she was tall, light skinned and beautiful. I was a bad boy at UNIBEN and was known to only date the beautiful ones. I cared for her and turned my back on all others. I truly loved her. When she told me she was pregnant, I was excited. Being an only child I was thrilled to know that I was bringing a child into this world and that was when I first asked her to marry me and she said No. Her reason being that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She asked me for money to abort the pregnancy and I refused and she threatened to go ahead with it anyway when she visits her parents. It took the intervention of my mother and aunts to get her to keep that pregnancy. My mom was living in Lagos at that time so when it was time for the baby to be born, we all headed to Lagos. Few months after the birth, I asked her again to marry me and she again said no. When our son was 7 months old, she said she wanted to go back to Benin to see about her NYSC and visit her parents, I said sure why not. A week later I got a call from my cousins and aunts saying they had seen her in a hotel behind my family home going in and out several times with a particular man. I rushed back to Benin to see for myself and there she was caught red handed with a former course mate of mine. She begged and pleaded and cried, her parents begged, her friends begged, my family said over their dead bodies would they allow me to marry her and bring shame to the family name. For those who know the Edo culture very well, you know what our culture says about a woman who cheats on her man. It is a taboo.

I looked at my baby son and because of him and also the fact that I still cared for her, I forgave her and took her back. She tried her best to make amends for what she did and I truly forgave her. I finshed my service, got a great job immediately and was taking care of my family. She also graduated but refused to do her NYSC and refused to do any kind of work. She claimed I was making enough for our small family so what was the need for her to work. I didn’t complain or say much. When she told me she was pregnant for the second child, I told her I was taking a few of my family members to go for introduction to her family because I needed everything about our union to be legal and most of all, I didn’t want my children called “bastards”. This woman went crazy, screaming and yelling that why did I plan to do an introduction without informing her that I wanted to control her life, I wanted to tie her down, what makes me think this is what she wants, that I haven’t proved to her yet that I am worthy to be her husband. For the rest of that evening and night it was screaming and crying so I told her not to worry, I wasn’t going to go anymore. I called her parents and informed them of what transpired and they were nonchalant about the whole thing and said one day her eyes will clear that she thinks because she is young and beautiful she has all the time in the world. They told me to be patient she will come around. I called her brothers and they were not bothered.

As the years went by, her attitude changed horribly. She became a bitter vindictive woman. I was not supposed to have female friends; I was not supposed to hang out with my friends and co-workers. She picked fights and quarrels with neighbours. I’ve had to go to the police station numerous times to bail her out. I left 2 good jobs and Abuja because of her and because of death threats to her from neighbours she had grievously offended. Overnight this lady switched. What triggered it I don’t know? I wasn’t womanizing, I wasn’t drinking, I was working over 60 hours a week, gave her everything she asked for, bought 3 cars for her which she insulted me over because it wasn’t automatic and according to her, real men buy automatic cars for their women. I tried to set up a boutique for her but she squandered the finances in less than 6 months and the shop closed. She was now content sitting at home, running from place to place to gossip. It was also around this time that she started telling people that she is a SSS because even after 2 kids, she looked like a woman with zero children. I confronted her with this fact and she boldly told me she was single and not tied down to anybody. She told me she was only remaining in the relationship because of the children and she does not love me like before.

By this time, a lot of family on both sides but more from her side had intervened and tried to make peace between us. My family had sort of washed their hands off my case ever since she was caught cheating. Being a Sunday school teacher also, I had the church and some pastors try to talk to her to change her behaviour and even after promises of “I will change and I am sorry” in less than a week, she went right back to her same old behaviour.

Our fighting got worse and she got more violent. The thing is I didn’t know what her problem was. Her demands were becoming so outrageous. I told her we needed to hold back on having more children because where I was working was going through a turbulent phase and people were being laid off. She assured me that she was taking her pills until the day I found packs and packs of pills that she had not been taking, I confronted her and she said they were making her sick so she stopped taking them. She now got pregnant for our 3rd child and this time she started acting really strange crying and begging to have the baby aborted but this time I told her that if she tried it I would personally kill her myself.

We moved to PH and here was where the shit really hit the fan. People ask why I stayed despite all this, and the one answer I give is I stayed for my children. My wife has made me realise that I did more damage to my children by remaining all those years and subjecting them to the violence and things they saw happen between my ex and me. After a while, I hated myself for not being “man enough” to leave. I wondered what was really tying me down there despite all this and I couldn’t picture it. I turned to drinking and womanizing. I would leave the house at 5 am for the office, after work I would go to the bar and stay till 11 or 12. I had girls everywhere; I was seeking for peace in all the wrong places. I got a girl pregnant and my ex found out. Needless to say she made everybody’s life a living hell. She speed dialled this lady over 500 times in an hour, tracked her down to her place of work, fought her and said she will beat the pregnancy out of her. I had to move the girl to another town and moved in with her and told my ex I was through with her. In the 8th month of pregnancy, I got a frantic call that my second child was hit by a bus and was dying I rushed back home and found out that my ex hd made the whole story up to get me to come to the house and on getting there, she hit me with a pestle, tore my clothes and a violent fight started which found us both in the police station with family and friends coming to help. I left the station and went straight to the bar and got blindly drunk. My friends took me back to the house of my ex and whether anybody wants to believe this or not, she took advantage of my drunkenness and forcefully had sex with me. The next day she jeeringly told me “shebi you wan go dey give girls belle, I go give you another pikin make you suffer well well”. I moved out of that house for good and hated her with a passion after this.

My pregnant girlfriend had a still birth under mysterious circumstances a few weeks later and decided she wanted nothing more to do with me because of the drama. I didn’t blame her. I moved in with my family and that was where I was when my wife came into my life.

At a time when I hated women, when I thought I would never have peace and joy, she came and held my hands and said everything will be ok. My ex was living her life in the 4 bedroom house I left her, furnished, food supplied, bills paid etc. She had health insurance; the kids also were insured through my job. She had everything I ever made. She started bringing men into my house having boyfriends etc. I did not stop her. She still looks and has the body of a lady in her mid twenties with no children and she is the same age as my wife.

I have found happiness and I have found peace above all else. I was on a path of self destruction, I loved my kids so much I was willing to overlook any abuse but it is over now. My son mentioned to her that I was married and she went crazy, tracked us to our new house and started acting the fool outside. Police were called but she left before they could get there.

1. Dude believed things would work out because pastors were involved and everybody kept begging to give her time to change.
2. he loves his children more than anything so he also remained for them but according to him wished for a better life for them where they won't be witnesses to the abuse
3. MEN do get abused in relationships too. Whether physical, mental or emotional regardless of what tribe they are
4. there is no need for him to lie about anything. members of his family and her family corroborated 99% of his assertions.
5. He does not want to relocate now because it will take him away from his children and he also has a comfortable job.
6. This isn't about bashing the ex, she is indeed crazy (not as in mental but as in loco) that saying hell hath no fury..... is so true. it's okay for her to start seeing other men now that they've broken up but it is over her dead body that she will see him happy...
7.My cousin can always return back to Austria or the States anytime and whenever she so wished but stubborness runs in my family and she is insiting that no woman will make her change her line or run her out of her husband's house cos she has done no wrong. it is my duty and the duty of the rest of my family to stand by her and protect her and we are doing so.
8. If a computer and free internet was dropped in front of the ex and she was told to come to NL and give her side of the story she would categorically refuse because she knows that right away, you folks will pick her apart and realize that she is indeed manipulative and very trickish.
9. She knows full well why he did not go "knocking" on her parents door.
10. Why didn't the parents insist that he marry her after all these years? According to her brother, they were glad that she was another person's headache and whether money was paid or not or whether marriage was done or not, they were tired of the many troubles she caused them.
11. To the person who says he/she is Edo and know that no Edo man can put up with a troublesome woman for that long, sweety, you don't know all Edo men and there are many guys like this one that will put up with more than what the woman dished out for the sake of peace and children's welfare but one day like the saying goes, "the cup will runneth over" and the man will up and walk and so to hell with this. Being alive and healthy to raise those children is more important than anything else.
12. According to the law, Nigeria does not recognize cohabitation as a form of marriage. She never answered his last name, they never had anything together with the same name. On the birth certificates of the children she used her maiden name
13. From the entire story I heard about this case, this is what I believe happened to these two. They met while in the Univ. started dating she got pregnant, had the son and changed. He kept complaining that her character stunk bust she got worse. friends and pastors told him to stick around and make it work that she will change and he did. She got so comfortable with him spending on her and doing so much for her that she didn't see any reason getting a job to help out financially. She also figured that if she keeps giving him children he will never leave her even if he doesn't marry her. What she never envisioned was that one day he will reach his breaking point and find peace in the arms of another person.
14. I came here to ask for honest advice for these two. What i read a lot of were speculations, hateful comments, insults directed at my cousin. Reference to her age and reason for not being married until now, what she does in Austria, the man marrying her for papers, etc. How this is relevant to the case beats me!

thank you all for you points and concerns. the parties involved (my cousin and her husband) will definitely read your comments and handle this issue however they best want to. all we can do is give our tots and advice. As for me, i will support her cos she has done no wrong except fall in love and even that is not a crime!

Regarding the teenage boy, it is nice to know that this is only a phase and kids his age rebel and act out. It deosn't change the fact that she thinks he is a spy for his mom.

by Nigerian/African standard from what i'm gathering, even if this man was previously married for 17 years and divorced with 7 kids, it automatically makes him ineligible for any future marriages or happiness. Wow! Nice to know.

God bless you all and thank you once more!

jennykadry: Hang on, so he never married the other woman and continued to "live in sin" for 17 years? I thought he divorced her

They were never married. Family kept telling him not to and her attitude and character prevented him from going further

jennykadry:

I am going to cut the woman some slack here. Yes she might be everything the Op have said here, she might have threatened the cousin which I do not doubt but have you and I questioned ourselves or asked why she's being a bitter woman? Do you and I know if this woman has labored for this man only for him to go hook some other woman? Do you think 17 years is 17 days?

Do we know if this man fell short in his responsibilities as a father and a lover? Yes she did all that psm23 has stated here, but even though some of us will not stoop so low the truth still remains that , 17 years of her life and his was wasted, so lets give her room to vent.

Your father married your mother steph7 , yous were not brought into this world out of wedlock

Uju, hi dear! It's been a while!

From what we were told when both families met before the bride price and marriage etc. My folks wanted to know straight up if the woman will be a problem in the future and they were told no. They asked all the question being asked and concerns being raised. It was from the Edo in-laws that we got most of the true jist of the ex. Since she graduated, she has never worked a day in her life. He has been the sole provider. She was very demanding. He wanted to stop at 2 kids and she assured him she was on her BC and he felt she deceived him and thus 2 more kids came into the pic when he wasn't financially capable. He asked her to get a job she refused. She spends more than he can make. She uses the kids as a foorm of blackmail each time they have arguments. They have several police cases of violence against him. She tried to stab him at night while he was sleeping.
The list goes on and on.
I would really love to know how many women out here will stick with a guy for that long and remain un-married

chaircover: Psalm23 baby uve been ignoring my emails abi

. . .but im glad to see that you are gud, so i have a response to my mails

On the issue of your cousin, Honest truth is that from my experience with these kinds of issues, there is usually much more to the story and when push comes to shove and a man/woman wants to get rid of their partner, the way they will paint an ordinary innocent story will become full of nollywood drama all in the name of giving a dog a bad name. So in short dont believe hook line and sinker every single thing that this man is saying about his wife

17 years is a very very very long time to be in a relationship and 4 kids is a lot of kids to have with a bad woman and no one can trick a man into having more kids than he really wants. What am I saying? if the relationship was as bad as the man is trying to portray, then it wouldn't have lasted that long.

The wife has a right to be angry (put yourself into her shoes and you will see why) I call her a wife, because simply because she didnt sign the dotted line doesnt mean that she is not a wife. Im sure the woman bears Mrs somebody on her papers, at work, in church and she wears and co with her husband to events etc. In many other countries, she will be a deemed as a common law wife and will have some rights too.

The man I will call a coward for not ending the relationship properly and completely shutting one door before opening another. In fact the man was cheating with your cousin while still in a relationship with his wife and that is one of the reasons why the wife is so angry and he bears some responsibility for the drama that is happening now.

The truth is that there is nothing your cousin can do than to ride it. The woman she is in loggerheads with is not a 6 month old girlfriend to the man. She is a wife of 17 years who has been unceremoniously dumped. She is bitter and she is angry and no court of law will be able to stop that and even if you took her to court and told her to keep the peace (I dont know under which law) she still has 4 Generals ie her children who will continue to make your cousins life a misery and the older they get the harder it will be. Taking her to court will still not stop her from sending snide remarks via her children at any opportunity. Basically your cousin is in for a long haul and I hope that she has the strength to deal with it. She has already suffered 2 miscarriages, probably due to all the stress, and this is just the first year and she is going to have to contend with this woman for a lot more years to come.

Personally I will make a decision judge my cousins character and if I know that she doesn't have the strength to deal with this, I will tell her to move on and find a man with less drama and baggage and let husband and wife sort themselves out . . afterall they have been "tolerating" each other for the past 17 years until your cousin came into the picture.

My darlyn aunt, forgive me. I did not intentionally ignore your emails. I still haven't seen them cos I can't remember my hotmail password anymore.

Thank you for your candid opinion on this issue. I just want to point out a few facts here. This case is about someone I hold dear to my heart and she is confused, this isn't about ME so the person directing posters to my previous posts on this site should stop trying to derail my thread! Secondly, yes if it were me, after 4 kids and being with a guy for 17 years, i'd feel hurt and betrayed but I must say that this can never be me because there is no way in hell i will be with a guy after one year and one kid out of wedlock and he hasn't married me in one way or the other. As much as I would like to empathize with the ex, i also would like to know why she stayed all those years and kept having babies. Her own younger brother sent an email to my cousin telling her to ignore his sister because she is a manipulative person who even as a child never failed to use the things people loved the most against them. In this case, she used the fact that the man being an only child had a fondness for children and would die for his children to keep having more in the hopes that he would marry her. Misguided thinking if you ask me.
Obviously he stayed that long with her because he truly cared for her and wanted to make it work but the stress was killing him and affecting his job. There were days she would up and disappear with the children for days on end without telling him just because they had an argument.
I must say again that everything was fine between my cuz and her hubby until the ex found out that he was married. they had amicably BROKEN UP and everybody had moved on. She found out he was married and now she wants her pound of flesh and unfortunately, my cousin is in the cross fire. That girl has done nothing wrong. She DID NOT SNATCH any man from any woman. The man left the lady under advisement from his own folks. He did not marry her for papers. and above all this is the fact that they love each other.

Connoisseur:

She is 38 and it means she is desperate to be somebody s wife , no matter how young she looks. if not for the plea in your first post, peeps here would have unleashed their venom on both of you.

She wasn't desperate to be anybody's wife my friend. He came after her not the opposite. She was assured by HIS family members that indeed he was never married and never has been married to anybody. They accepted her and welcomed her and thanked her for making him happy again. He asked her to return back to Nigeria because he has a fantastic job and wanted to remain close to his children especially the boys and she complied. Your assessment is totally myopic and wrong!

Feel free to unleash anything. it will not change the situation. Like i said earlier, everybody is entitled to their opinion. It is up to those who are affected by this to sort out the chaff from the good advises and move on with their lives.I don't know what you hope to gain by telling me that it was my earlier plea that has made people not unleash their venom on me and my cuz, should i say thank you? The whole point of coming to an online forum to seek help and advice is because there will be both negative and positive feedback and you the poster will have plenty of "food for thought". Outside of this post, you will never get to know the parties involved so please feel free to unleash!

TiiTee:


No wonder!


no woman will be happy.

No wonder what? Because she is 38 that makes her what? or means what? FYI, she might be 38 but she looks like she's in her late 20s. Again, stop with the stereotype.

TiiTee: Please help me ask your cousin if she will be happy if such happens to her. I mean, a woman spent 17 solid years of her life with a man, bore him 4 beautiful kids, cooked for him, washed his clothes, took care of his home for 17 freaking years without a ring, only for him to go marry someone else. jeez! what is this world turning to! is your cousin that old, awgly and desperate that she couldn't get a single guy? whatever she sees, she asked for it, so should brace up cos more will come. 17 years, 4 kids nor be beans!

You are entitled to your own opinion my dear. So the man does not deserve to have peace and happiness even if it means finding it with someone else? He should have remained in a relationship where one day one person will end up killing the other abi? Kudos to your way of thinking. Look at the thousands of cases of one partner killing the other and ask your question again.
I am proud of the choice my cousin made in a husband. She had many suitors but this was the person God chose for her and only Him knows the reason for that. Your question should also be what would make a man not marry a woman after 17 years. What is wrong with the woman? IF she was blameless and peaceful and not a firecracker troublesome person, why didn't he marry her? Also, what makes you think she took care of the home, cooked for him and washed his clothes etc etc etc? You don't know the full picture so don't stereotype here love. Yes he f'd up big time stringing her along without marriage but like he said she was the one who kept ruining any chances of him getting hitched to her. Lets see how you would like it when the mother of your children and future wife comes to your work place to scream and hollar butt neked, at the clinic same thing, at the staff gues house same thing and at the church (redeemed) because of an argument she starts stripping and screaming and threatening to kill herself.

yellowpawpaw: @op,let's be realistic here.if ur cous think it will be all rosy,then I laugh in swahili!by d way,how can a man live with a woman 17yrs w'out seein her parent? She is bad I agree but he was still bleeping,bc d 17 yrs prdced 4 kids! What an insensitive man.
He didn't settle his previous r/ship well and jumped into another.ur cous readily agree all bc of lv abi sympathy? Why is d man not ready to travel with her?who is takin care of d children financially?
D truth is,more is coming. If u ask d so calld bad baby mama,what she will say will surprise everybody.very bad foundation I must say.lv no dey blind these days.it asks ?s and make investigations.it also weigh all d pros and cons b4 it can put head.
Wish them d best.

Same question me and other family members asked her and him. If he was so unhappy with this woman why remain with her for 17 years and keep fathering kids. He said everytime he got ready to leave, pastors from their church and her family would come begging him saying things will get better and she will change. She told him she was on BC after the 2nd child was born but he said she deceived him with the last 2 pregnancies. From what my family has gathered thus far from members of his family he wanted to marry this woman after the first and second was born but she was getting more and more out of hand.
My cuz is a 38 year old woman who made the conscious decision to enter this marriage knowing full well that there were baggages i.e the children. What nobody expected was an angry ex. his entire family from grand parents to sisters and brothers and uncles and aunts all say one thing, that the ex is a pathological liar with a touch of mental illness. someone that lied that their second child had been crushed by a trailer just so he can come back and when that failed, she now called crying saying that her mother and sister had drowned in a river. the most recent lie was that she is now married to Oshomole (governor of Edo) and he was sending his body guards to beat my cuz and hubby up.
The kids are all in boarding school except for the first who just finished his WAEC. He pays the fees and health insurance and feeding for all of them. Ex has never worked a day in her life and she is a graduate of political science

@ileobatojo, yes so far there has been no physical contact, just lots and when i say lots i mean like A LOT of calls. Sometimes she talks and other times she doesn't say a word just hangs up and then proceeds to keep calling and calling. One time we counted 200 calls in less than 1 hour. She will call and hang up call and hang up. Sadly, i do not think MTN has call blocking features.
My cuz and her hubby are in top preparations for their traditional wedding and word just came to us that she is planning some kind of disruption and has started laying bad seeds by telling the family of the man (those that still give her ears) that my cuz took pictures of the 4 children and buried in a grave and that she has rendered her hubby a deaf mute. She claims God revealed all this to her. She has called my cuz a barren demon who sold all the babies in her womb for a visa to Austria. She tells people that my cuz is HIV positive. The things she has said is endless and very very hurtful. My cuz does not want to involve the police yet because she doesn't know if they will listen to her or take her case. I told her what is being done to her is harassment and i'm sure there is a law in Nigeria against such. I pray I am left alone with that ex. I have nothing to loose so I would love for her to repeat everything she's said about my cuz to my face

sakaguchi: Well, I don't think its up to her to change anything, if her hubby loves her as she loves him, he will handle the budding mess that is surfacing, he should man-up and call his babies mama to order, if that doesn't work, at least she brought up the idea of them relocating abroad, if he can do that but still insist on staying back, the he should have brighter ideas as things are getting out of order. The 16 year old acting out to her is a common thing, teenagers are rebellious to their parents at such age and it might have little or no connection to being spy to his mom, even if he was, he is not to blame as he will see her as the reason why his parents relationship is sundered. She should be nice to the boy but at the same time be a parent to him, the rest issue I think should be sorted out by her hubby. I pray you get good advice here because mine might be insufficient being that I'm 23. All the best though...

Thank you Sakaguchi! Your advice is well noted and she/they will see it. I must compliment you though, for a 23 year old, you sure do have a nice perspective on relationship problems. Think about being a counselor!

debrief08: Nice to have you back Pslam 23:
Hmmm, tough one, he needs to handle his own baby mama drama and shield her from danger.
I can understand a bit where the man is because I also have an ex, thankfully things are good now but there were times when I had to deal with drama.
Unfortunately women are not as calm as men, I guess I would not have been as calm as hubby if I was the one dealing with all that wahala.
Anyway, I will advise that she be very careful and the husband too, they have kids between them and they have to find a way to make peace because they have to always interact because of the kids.
I suggest the husband calls a meeting with the exes family and his, also involve a lawyer, agree on terms and conditions, if possible write a police undertaken not to harm each other.
Also no calls and insults, all matters should be through the lawyer since tempers are most likely to escalate when they meet.
Your cousin is bold for caring on plenty baggage, I wish them all the best.
And you my love

Thank you debrief. Feels good to be back. Missed you all a lot. I'm going to ask him to come and also read some of the suggestions and maybe it will help guide him in making the right decision on how best to protect his wife. My fear is that from what we've heard so far, this ex is the kind that might go to extremes

Hi everyone, I'm posting this (against my better judgement) on behalf of my cousin. If I knew what to say to her when she came to me with her problem, I wouldn't be bugging you all with this. Here it goes.

She lives in Austria and is married to a Nigerian of a different tribe than hers. She recently came back to Nigeria because her husband said he did not want to relocate overseas so she did what she thought was best and that was to be where her husband was.

Before they got married and even before they truly started dating, he had informed her that he was single but had 4 children from the same woman but he was done with that relationship because the woman was getting worse and worse in character as the years went by. Each time he was prepared to settle down and make an honest woman out of her, she exhibited some pretty scary nature like coming to his place of work, stripping naked and yelling for him to come out and beat her because he did not drop money for one thing or the other. Sometimes she would also grab knives and petrol and threaten to kill herself because they had an argument. she also had the habit of taking his cell phones when he was sleeping and calling all the numbers on it and if a man answers she hangs up, if a girl answers she starts insulting that girl. This is how she insulted his boss. According to him, he got fed up. He was with this woman for 17 years and their oldest child is 16. Everybody told him to leave but he stayed for the sake of his children and because he believed that she would change but that change never came.

3 years ago, my cousin was in Abuja for a funeral and that was how they met. It was platonic, they were just friends and he told her then that he was having serious problems with the mother of his kids. My cousin being the fixer upper kindda girl told him that maybe the woman was acting up because he had not gone knocking on her father's door yet and hadn't paid a penny on her head. He told my cuz that he really wanted to but it just never happened and some of his family members warned him not to do it because if she's this bad before marriage, after marriage might be worse and he might get killed. To cut the long story short, My cuz and him became friends. She went back to Austria, continued her life but kept in touch with him. in 2011 she came to Nigeria for vacation and they met and spent time together and that was when he told her he was finally done with the woman and asked my cuz to date him. She agreed because she was already in love with him and him with her. 6 months after they started dating, he visited Austria and proposed she accepted. in 2012 they got married in court. in 2013 she moved back to Nigeria and since then it's been crazy.

The other woman got to find out about the marriage and my cuz and somehow got my cuz's number (the 16 year old is living with my cuz and her hubby so I think she got the number from him) This woman has been calling saying some pretty hurtful things in the typical Nigerian fashion which women use in abusing each other. She has suffered two miscarriages. Her husband is trying so hard to make her comfortable and shield her but my cuz is scared all the time now.

Last night she asked me what she should do. She is seriously contemplating going back to Austria but I told her not to do that yet. She needs to stay and not let any crazy woman run her out of her home. Her greatest fear now is the son who is living with them. Funny thing though is that she was the one pushing for him to come and live with them but now she thinks and believes he is a spy for his mother. He disrespects her at every given opportunity and sucks his teeth at her and raises his voice at her. Sometimes she just wants to knock him out.

What would you all advice. Please I implore you all, do not insult any of the parties involved, it is just advice she needs. She will log in with my password to read all your comments and might even respond to any questions you ask. By the way, she's igbo and he's Edo and they really really truly love each other. He tells people he finally has the peace he has been looking for for many years

Congratulations Blendy! He has turned your sorrow into dancing and joy, His faithfulness is ever awesome!
You are an inspiration to us all!
Welcome to the world sweet babies! God bless

Gboliwe: What is grits?
Happy new year Pslm. I am your secret admirer. I love your zeal. May God strenghten you. Amen

awwwww... that is such a sweet thing to say Gboliwe! Thank you and a Happy New Year to you too.

Grits is a Quaker product made from corn and enriched with white hominy (i don't know what hominy is oh) It takes 5 minute to prepare and is something eaten here for breakfast, normally with salmon or fried eggs or bacon and sausage and I love it. Since I'll be home (Nigeria) for a while, i would really love to find out where i can buy it from. I figure since we have a large expatriate community in PH/Abuja/Lagos, grits has got to be sold somewhere cos Americans LOVE their grits!

Anybody have an idea if Grits are sold in Nigeria? specifically the Port Harcourt area or in Lagos? or maybe a substitute to it!
Any help will be greatly appreciated.

Happy New Year

CC said it best! I'm leaving the US for home because I need to be around my family for a while! There's just too many sad memories here for me to deal with at the moment. There are so many things for me to do back in Abuja and actually i do have a few things lined up already!

I'm not saying i'll never come back to the United States again, no! I hold a US citizenship so there's always the chance that i might come back here.

Right now, being around my family is what i truly need to help me heal faster. My spirit, soul and body especially needs to recover.

Hello everybody! Wow! it sure has been ages since my last post here.

By God's grace I am doing well, getting stronger emotionally as each day goes by. I have my good days and bad days but thank God the good days are more than the bad ones!
My divorce was final on Oct. 31st, my ex got engaged to someone else, Nov. 21st
I visited Nigeria in November and it hurt so bad to see how large my family has grown! I have nephew and nieces I had never met!
I have decided to leave the United States for good and return back to Nigeria in 3 months! There is nothing left in the US for me! I've come, seen, lived loved and suffered and now it's time to go back home!

To everybody that reached out to me in my time of turmoil, thank you! To everybody that advised me, thank you. To those who criticized me, thank you; your criticisms actually helped me take a deeper look at myself.
I got a lot of love and prayers on this forum and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
As for my journey to have a child, all i can say is this, as the sun rises and sets, my heart desire to be a mother will surely be a reality!
Much love!

jennykadry: Pslm23 deariee, e ma binu, ewe ka la iwe. God is with you and it is well. Has he tried to contact you yet?

no.... just his attorneys. My house is going up for sale!as part of the division of property

He's a widower. before we got married, we talked about having kids. 3 as a matter of fact.

Androgel is a cream used to treat low testetorone in men but usually it is men who have no intention of having more kids that use this cream because of what it does to the s.p.erm count! and they tell any woman who has intentions of having children, not to come in contact with the cream cos it will affect her ability to get pregnant. He never told me that he had started using this cream until the day of my ER when it was time to collect his sample and it turned out that he had not even one swimmer alive. He was told to stop using it for the next 6 months so his count will come back up. He did not. He continued using it.

When he gave me his confession after i caught them, he told me that he was very relieved now to have that secret off his back because the guilt has been hitting him hard. He knew he didn't want any more kids early last year but he says he didn't know how to tell me!

I was a good wife. i respected him as best as i could. He was my best friend, the only family i had here. we had rocky times in the marriage but that is normal! We still weathered all storms and made it past 10 years.

Right now, i guess the Androgel is working big time and making him feel all macho cos he was the first to sign the papers and all and he is living his life to the hilt! I would never have stood in his way if he had just been honest with me from the first time he started feeling like he wanted out of the marriage! Better i walked away healthy than have to perform "wifely" duties with a man who just came from another street walker's arms!

I posted what i was going through here because during my IVF journey, many of you gave me the strength i needed to see this thing through. I am not asking for pity, love or condemnation. I just wanted a shoulder to cry on outside of my sister's, i just wanted anybody that knows or has been through a divorce to encourage me. Dealing with property division, insurance stuff and so many other things you built together can be very tough, knowing that in about 3 weeks, i will have my father's name back after being known as something else for so long, knowing that he will go on and keep having a fantastic life while i am here afraid to move on and trust another person! My dreams of having my own child will happen with or without a husband! The eggs that were collected on that faithful day are presently being frozen and stored at the clinic until i decide whether to go ahead with a donor! Right now, i'm in no frame of mind to make any decisions regarding them.

I do sincerely thank all of you for your positive feedback and encouragement and even those who gave their negative comments, thank you! Everyday is a learning process. I have learnt a thing or two from what has happened! Good and bad
Today i am stronger than i was yesterday and it is because of those of you here that reached out to me privately and here.

Thank you!

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. This is indeed a road i never thought i'd walk! When i said "I Do" to him, i fully intended to stay married forever. What this has taught me though is that we as humans might have our own pre-conceived ideas on how we want our lives to turn out but in the long run,God has the ultimate say so!

I will not entirely lay the blame on him because yes, this IVF thing really took its toll on me but that does not warrant what he did, how he did it, putting me, my health and everything i have ever worked for at such great risk. Not knowing if i was going to be told i had contracted some horrible disease that will kill me and to cap it all, he was unapologetic. The ultimate betrayal is telling your wife, that you intentionally took that male birth control measure because you never really wanted any more children cos you have grown children from your first marriage! All these years of IUI, IVF and trying to be a mommy, and it took catching him with a street walker for the truth to come out! I thought i had a happy fulfilled marriage that was only lacking one thing, a child!
This is why i asked, how do i learn to breathe again in a normal way? how can i remove this heaviness from my heart? How will i ever trust anybody again, man or woman!
I am still in therapy, i have travelled to be with my sister and her kids, but the pain is still there. I loved that man with all my heart! I really did! One day, i will stand strong again but i doubt if i ever will love again like i did!
God bless you all for your responses!

Congratulations and lots and lots of sticky vibes MrsM...

debrief08: Hmmm, there are no "How toos" You just experience it and go through the motions, denial, depression, feeling of failure, hurt and pain, let your self go through the pain, cry, sulk, mourn, Losing a marriage, partner and a trusted companion is hard. Dont be in a hurry to get over it, dont try to prove anything to any one or "show them" that you are 'fine", take your time, go through the grieving process, in time, with Gods help your pain and heart will heal.
Time will come when you will look back and say, how did i get over this? But believe me God makes everything bueatiful in his time, Heal, re learn to love yourself and be alone before you be with someone else, dont be in a hurry to replace the spouse even if the other spouse left you for someone else. Also be ready to hear judgmental comments, ignorant comments, people who will call you a sinner and a failure but keep telling yourself that "this too shall pass"
No body prays for a divorce because this period is the hardest but believe me it shall pass

God bless you for this! The tears will stop. It will take time but i will heal! When a spouse betrays you after 10 years plus of dedication and love, sometimes it feels like dying!..at least this is how i've been feeling! But i'm taking each day as it comes, one step at a time!

2mch:

Is this the same Pslm23 from the IVF thread? Oh, so sorry about this. God will help you recover. . I have followed your struggles and was hoping you will succeed. Let time do its job.

yes it is!
It is well! This too shall pass!

Kobojunkie: Please, don't follow this up with a silly string of Bible verses and quotes. I don't hate the bible, and I don't hate the message, I just have a hard time with how INSENSITIVE folks can think they can string up a couple of verses and dish it out as response that should suffice for all cases.

Thank you

How do you pick up the pieces of your life that has been shattered after many years of a marriage that has just ended on a horrible heartbreaking note?
Where do you start from?
When will you start feeling normal again and stop feeling that there are invisible walls about to close up around you?
When will the feeling of hyperventilation stop and you can breathe again?
When will the tears and the feeling of "why me" stop?
When will the thoughts of choking the crap out of him for his cheating ways leave?

[quote author=Jubal01][/quote]

how do you even function when you take two at night? you dosage must be small then. I'm on 50mg and there's no way i can take one not to talk of two during the day? I hope you don't operate machinery or do any kind of driving while on this medication.

Aren't you supposed to only take this when you are in pain?? it's not the kind of medication where they will say take one 3 x a day. This is strictly for pain as it comes!! My advise for real if you are serious about kicking the habit, is to go see the doctor who put you on it and have him taper your dose down gradually. Meanwhile, you can also do yourself a favor by only taking this med when you are in pain and not just willy nilly like that!. best of luck dear!

p.s Talk to your doctor about your insomnia too. he might put you on a non habit forming sleep medication that isn't addictive. until you kick your tramadol addiction completely!

what kind of dosage are you on??

I have been using Tramadol for the last 3 or 4 years to help with my herniated disc problem but i only take it as needed for pain and only at night! It is not as strong as Hydrocodone but it does create a slight buzz. one time i was foolish and took 2 at once cos my pain was bad, in short, it knocked me out.

Your doc might need to adjust or bring down your dose and gently wean you off of it. Not advisable to just up and quit it. He should either place you on non narcotic pain medication like prescription only Ibruprofen which is a bit stronger than regular Ibruprofen.

The major problems anybody with a serious addiction to pain meds face is liver damage.

@Blendy, you made me cry with that comment! I love you girl!!
I was in London for 2 weeks. I will be in Naija for Christmas! Spending 2 weeks. It would be awesome if some of us could meet up in person!

Baby dust to all and lots and lots of sticky vibes to those stimming or in the 2 week wait! It is well IJN!!

p.s. Blendy, i will sign up to that site as soon as i get home!

hi ladies,! Wow! i'm so glad to see the help and interactions going on here! baby dust to everybody.
Thanks to everybody that asked after me when i was going through a mental break down. There has been a major development in my situation so for now, I'll be a silent viewer for the time being but will answer any questions based on whatever experience i had.
I know one thing for sure, i will have my child!

Blendy77, God bless you sis.