@ Poster, you have to learn to build your self esteem. Everyone, no matter how pretty, wealthy, healthy, educated, stupid, you name it, have something about them they would like to change. In order words, we all have insecurities. I find that, no matter where you are on the "self assurance meter", you can find yourself in a mindset of doubt. Self confidence is a conscious choice that you have to make despite all the things 'you think' you lack.

Don't overvalue what you are not and undervalue what you are. God gave you those scars for a good purpose and unless you learn to accept them and stop wishing they are not there, you will never be free and truly happy.

So what if your ex is "successful"? The fact that he is(in your view) has nothing to do with whether you can be successful or not.

Everyone I know has gone or will go through a heartbreak. Who says every relationship must work out? Every breakup is an opportunity for you to learn. Time will heal the pain from the beakup no doubt, but you must first learn to accept yourself if you 'ever' want another to accept you.

Enough of the self pity for heaven sake. Dig up the fountain of goodness inside you. Let it bubble out and you will be amazed at how easily people will be attracted to you. No one wants to be near someone who would whin all the time. It wears everyone out eventually. Even if you are not confident, pretend you are and no one will notice that you are not.

Will you meet people who would attempt to exploit your insecurities? you betcha! But remember that no one can hurt you unless you let them.

Good luck and get a hold of yourself!

The simple answer to your question is yes! Former lovers can come back together even if they are (now) married.

Is this right or wrong? It depends on the circumstances. But most of the time it is wrong , because it causes pain to someone else in a marriage.

dabriggs:

There is no need. A great talker often has much to hide.

I still stand my grounds and say if its over , its over. If you have feelings for him then see him. You dont need our opinions in that case because even if we tell you not to , you will still do anyway.

Must you see him?Thats my question?Must you see him because he wants you to?
If he is making another trip to see you ask him why?Why dos he want to see you?To know if you grew fatter or slimer or what? See the earlier you gain control of this stuff the better you can face him.
All im saying is ask your self. Choose your decisions and choose wisely. Wish I could chat with you on YIM.

For me the facts are clear. Even a blind man can see it.

DaBriggs, I think you captured my sentiments perfectly!

Topup, I suspect that you still have affectionate feelings for this guy despite the fact that your relationship ended unpleasantly. Seeing an ex face-to-face is always a very risky venture. The good memories may flood back and you may be swept away momentarily in the swirl of emotion. Oftentimes people do what they swore not to do, especially if both parties still fancy each other.

Since you don't feel indifference towards this guy, you are probably still in love but in denial or you hate him. If the situation were the later, we would most likely not be having this discussion.

Truth be told my dear, no amount of advice from this forum would change the outcome of your meeting. You are a very smart person and I’m sure you have weighed the possibilities and consequences. You alone know this guy and he knows your weaknesses. If you let him, he will manipulate you. At the end of your meeting, one or two of three things may happen 1) you may put closure to any chance of coming together 2) you may open yourself up to getting a reconciliation 3) you would hurt so much afterwards especially if he takes advantage of you or you cross a boundary you set for yourself (physical or emotional).

The mindset that things are boring (school, work, etc) is precisely what will weaken you when you both meet. So be careful not to cross your boundaries. Someone advised that you don’t visit his hotel room… I would advise that you set your boundaries and avoid any situation or place that would facilitate crossing the boundaries. Remember that you won’t really know how you’ll react until it’s over.

Bottom line is that everything depends on what you want going forward. If you don’t want to have anything to do with this guy relationship-wise, then don’t see him. You can always chat on the phone. If you want at least one more peek, them by all means see him, but remember to report back to this forum.

185 - 189 /1 in the black market

See newspaper article:

http://leadershipnigeria.com/news/149/ARTICLE/8089/2009-03-13.html

gabrywyl:

No wonder most men goes to hell 

How do you know?  Have you been to hell before?

Never ever let a woman know you think she's fat!

@Poster, irrespective of what people on this forum express, no one here knows your husband better than you do. People may base their judgement on irrelevant experiences. It's very easy to destroy a good relationship, but difficult to build one. Those asking that you forgive him, should not be viewed as advocating unequal treatment because you are a woman. Afterall women also cheat their spouses. Yeah, most guys find it more difficult to forgive a cheating spouse especially if the guy has been faithful. But many still forgive, if they truly love their wife (depending on the circumstances).

Your husband's case was out of plain stupidity , getting drunk. You are lucky you've found someone whom you truly love and who feels the same about you. I don't believe one 'screw up' is enough justification to dump a good relationship. I'm sure he's ashamed of his actions. If he truly loves you, he'll mend his ways. I'm sorry you have had to pay in more than one way for his miss-deed (getting infected et al).

Give him a second chance and hopefully time will heal your hurt and pain. Good luck with your marriage.

mmababy:

my anty friend is have extra marital affairs which i don't like.how will i talk to her so that she not get offended

As much as I don't condone her actions, I don't think it's your business. You think she doesn't know what she's doing is wrong? All she'll do is become more discreet with you. Believe me you don't want to get involved. Also don't disclose her philandering to anyone. You'll be blamed for wrecking a marriage.

It’s very serious when a married man refuses to have sex with his wife. It's usually a sign that he's harbouring a big grudge against his wife and probably thinks he can punish her by denying her. Some of the reasons could be:

1. She’s denied him sex several times before when he really wanted it ‘badly’ and he wants to retaliate.
2. She does not really satisfy him in bed (frequency and quality), so why bother when she’s not willing to change or he not willing to accept things the way they are? Some ladies are just like logs in bed and are not adventurous.
3. He’s getting it regularly from another source.
4. Having other problems: emotional, health, financial, etc
5. No longer in love or emotionally connected to his wife, but just living like roommates.

It’s usually best to attack it early. Allowing it linger for over a week could spell permanent trouble. If he won’t cooperate, pester him and don’t let him sleep all night until you get some or get him to talk about why he’s no interested. It’s really so easy to arouse a man if you touch the right spot(s). No matter how much he pretends that he’s not interested.

This is really one of the dangers of long distance relationships,  getting hooked up with someone, one does not really know so well. I hope you guys are able to working things out.

@ Poster, going by your account only, your husband is definitely playing the field. You should ask him who this lady is and the nature of their relationship? If he claims, she's a co-worker or nobody of significance, ask him to invite her over to the house so that you can meet her.

You might also take the extra step of calling the lady. Introduce yourself as his wife and tell her very politely that you’ve noticed calls from her number at non-business hours and wanted to know who she was. If she becomes aggressive, end the conversation. He will bring up the issue with you at some point and then ask him to tell you the truth.

Another way could be to ask one of his close friends who the lady is? You should be able to tell from his friend’s body language if he’s telling the truth. Also if there’s inconsistency with accounts from him and his friend that should immediately raise a red flag. The bigger issue is what would you do if indeed he were playing the field?

Regarding his habit of watching porn, most guys like to watch porn. But like all things too much of everything is bad. The time he spends watching porn, is time he does not spend with you. If he’s become or becoming an addict, talk to him about it and tell him you don’t like it. Try to do things with him that will keep him engaged and get him away from porn. You may not stop him completely, but can influence him to spend less time.

sistawoman:

You then belong to the not most group.

I have read countless times here that women in Nigeria are held under thier husbands thumb because of finances. That they swollow and take it all because they cant make the money he makes, they cant support thier families w/o him and that they are not worth thier weight in gold if they dont stay and fight for thier husbands after he cheats. When the catch him cheating they should look to see where they are lacking and pray.

That my dear is utter bullshit. No daughter of mine will ever be taught that her self-esteem is to be sacroficed to please/keep her man. No daughter of mine will be kept in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant unless that is her choice. No daughter of mine will not learn the lesson of having your own cash that hubby knows nothing about stashed away.

So when I say "most men" here would be offended if thier woman lived by the above I mean those men w/o morals or at least a different set of morals then they want thier wives to live by. It is almost as if Nigerian men have this seperate book of laws for thier behavior vs thier wifes behavior.

JMO

It’s a beautiful poem no doubt and could apply in part to both sexes. I take offence to the male bashing going on.  Sistawoman, you seem to exaggerate the realities in modern Nigerian culture.  A woman can be held under a man's thumb for a variety of reasons, and not just financial and it happens all over the world to varying degrees.

I do not subscribe to anyone being striped of their self-esteem for any reason whatsoever; gender, race, age, religion, etc. Let's not forget that women in the US were not allowed to vote not so long ago. From pre-historic times men have always dominated women in every society. However, slowly but surely, women are getting empowered more. So singling out Nigerian men is totally uncalled for. Being Nairaland is still no excuse.

One question for the women: What is the percentage of women in modern day Nigeria who are forced into these relationships where the man puts them under the thumb? If a woman chooses to be with a man, who does not treat her with respect, she should share part of the blame.

I would never encourage any woman to get into a relationship where she will not be treated with respect. I believe that most women have the power to choose who they wish to date or marry. So ladies choose wisely and stop bashing the men for your poor choices.

topup:

I don't think I even acknowledged Valentine's day, until I started dating, as a single woman, it really isn't a big deal either, unless you wish you had someone to share it with badly, and though a lot of us are hopeless romantics, we're pretty sane too, but the media makes Valentine's day (in the UK anyway) into such a big thing, I went to the supermarket 2 weeks ago, and there were Valentines cards, teddy bears and a section was dedicated to all the memorabilia.

Seeing those teddy bears and cards and chocolates, it kinda made me wish I had a reason to get some, but. . duh! you need a guy in your life to get one don't you? So you

Well, you know what? I'm going back to the store, but this time, I'm gonna get some cards and chocolates for my dearest. . . mum.

It appear Valentine's day expectation is a case of the 'Abilene Paradox', in which a group of people collectively decide on a course of action that is counter to the preferences of any of the individuals in the group.

Guys don't give much of a hoot and ladies like don't really care that much, but we believe the other party expects us to do something, which we do and then expect something back even though we really don't care. Doesn't really make sense,

So why don't folks tell their partners that Valentine's day does not hold a special significance and end the pressure?

Magz:


Third, if you really feel like you are too weak to refrain from screwing, try Lamb Skin condoms. They are slightly less reliable, more comfortable, and do not contain any latex that could cause an allergic reaction.

Hope that helps.

Meaning that lamb condoms provide less protection against STDs when compared to latex or polyurethane. The bacteria and viruses that cause STD can pass through the porous wall of the 'natural' lamb condoms, hence I would not recommend lamb except you are not seeking protection against STDs.

topup:



Q1. What do single men enjoy doing on Valentine's day?

Q2. However, if they can't do this, what do they often do/are forced to do instead?

Q3. Do men prefer to be single of Valentine's day?

Q4. Do single men think about their exs on Valentine's day?

Q5. What are single men most likely to be tempted to do on Valentine's day?

Q6. Is Valentine's day even significant in a single man's diary?

A1. Nothing special. It's just another day.

A2. Forced to buy flowers, cards, dinner dates, etc, because the lady expects it.

A3. It's just another day, shouldn't really matter. If a man is happy being single b/4 Vals day, he's probably won't care.

A4. Not really. If we do, it's not because it's Vals day, but because we thought of them.

A5. Hook up with a chick and hope to get laid

A6. No.


@Topup, Most guys I know really don't care too much about Valentines day and all its ritual. We send flowers, cards and set up dinner dates because our ladies expect us to. Ladies will generally think it's a bad signal if a guy does nothing on Valentine's day. Truth be told, left alone for most single guys, Valentine's day could be just another day, except that it's one day in the year with the highest prospect of getting laid if the guy acts romantic,

ammamat:

I can't make love with condom, and the worst is that my guy is cheating on me ,  am afraid of STD, HIV and pregnatcy.

I tried it once and it react on me.
Please how do i go about it.

There are a couple of reasons why you react to condoms:

1. You could be allergic to rubber, in which case do not use latex condoms. There are hypoallergenic condoms made from polyurethane instead of latex.

2. If the condom had a spermicide, then you may have reacted to the spermicide.

3. A lack of lubrication may be an underlying cause also. So use plenty of water based lubricants if you must use a condom.

It appears you're really not into having sex, but doing it just to please your man. If that's the case then its most likely your irritation was caused by lack of proper lubrication. If you're shy about going to the condom aisle, you can ask your man to buy non-latex, spermicide free condoms and water based lubricant. If you still react then you may want to see a doctor.

Most folks dream of being happily married to their soul mate. However, most people I know tend to have a lot of fun memories from their 'singles' days. Whenever I run across old friends, most of the funny things we talk about are usually from the days when we were all single. Just being able to act spontaneously without needing to have consideration for someone else. Hanging out with friends without pressure of time and oh that air of freedom and not being accountable. Now, this is not to suggest that marriage does not bring its pleasures.

So I was wondering what do married folks miss most whenever they recall being single? Do guys and ladies miss the same things or could it be different?

bronx_dog:

Poster

You are crying over one lost dik? when there are thousand of diks out there for the taking? why will a woman in her right senses stick to one dik for six whole years? did you think he stuck to your pussie for the whole 6 years? You are now crying to us for a solution, look, there is no solution any other place but inside of you - you have to explore the whole wide world, you have to see that there are so many wonderful diks out there better than his own, how can i make you understand this thing? ok - look to your right, and to your left, how many diks can you see? out of all those diks, one is definitely winking at your pussi and begging to have a taste - why not wise up and oblige as many as possible? remember - the sweet pussie is a terrible thing to waste, if you need any help in oiling the pussie before you meet all the diks suggested, please don't hesitate to call on us - 08056789876 - we will be able to fok you to your satisfaction and you will never remain the same again.

After reading your post, I wondered how could anyone be so callous? But I thought again and realise that you might actually be a very little boy with access to the internet. I hope that one day you'll grow up or maybe again you never will. The choice is yours.

@Poster, it's tough to deal with a broken relationship. Time will heal your wounds. With every passing day, you'll get stronger. Sistawoman and Topup have summed up what I might have suggested so there's no point being redundant.

I'll leave you with this final thought: "A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage". Think about it and never act impulsively during the next few weeks.