....

Thank you.
Wishing you and yours love and light.
God bless Africa.

Mavis3:
Hello Everyone.
I was to update yesterday and I opened the thread and saw a warzone. And I was confused. Please make we take am easy o.

@Oyoolima I am doing fine. The pain is easing and i don't feel that much anger anymore.

@ Bukatyne,. Fountainofyouth, Graxie, Merakhi, and all of all of I am still fine. I appreciate you all.

@ Crackhuas take am easy and I appreciate your advice as well

Hubby and I:

We had a lengthy and intense conversation cos I need answers. I had alot of why's.

It's so lengthy, but there was a lot of crying from both of us, regrets, anger and we just let it out.
And alot of pleading from his end.

At the end he said he wants his marriage to work and don't want to lose me.If only I will give him a chance, he will prove to me how sorry he is and make me happy again.

He said if I want a separate account he is willing to do that but he is scared of me leaving him.

He couldn't explain why it happened but said he is sorry for the betrayal and pain he caused me and for making me so unhappy. And he wants to make it right by me. He said Aunty will never bother me again and he will not bring up anything about the child until I am ready and comfortable talking about the child and his welfare and we will go by what I want regarding the child.

I told him I have heard. But I really want to be alone for a while and get back my sanity.
Told him I am still going to proceed for a leave once the lockdown is over and I won't be staying in town , I will be spending the leave at my brother's. He said that means he will take a leave too and he will inform my brother we are coming together to stay at at his place. I told him I want to go alone and that's the one he is raising face for now. Has been sulking since yesterday and funny, he is making calls and telling his friends we are travelling to see my people for a month after the lockdown.

He said if closing the joint account will make me happy, he is ok with it. And that i never mentioned going back for further studies but if that is what I want to do it's stilll ok .


Last night he asked me if we can start the adoption process immediately and what sex we would go for. I told him I can only talk about that after my leave.

He also spoke about the surrogacy agency we contacted. He asked if I can hold on from school since I have a Masters and we channel the money for the surrogacy since I said the project we are working on should be on hold.

I told him I can only give him a feedback at the end of my leave.

Thank you all once again for checking on me and for all the advice and prayers.

Don't agree to channel anything, he should pay for the surrogacy alone. You can now see he wasn't entirely truthful with his earnings because he's been spending money on that other woman. All through their dating and her pregnancy he has spent a lot so where did he get the extra from? My dear, your husband is hiding a lot from you and it's sad he's not opening up as he should. Please go on your leave and while at it apply for your PhD dear.

oyoolima:
Mavis3, he probably has another phone and all the hanging out has been with the second madam. Funny enough,you've been sponsoring his jaunts and baby mama unknowingly since you share the same account.

One thing I have to say is that you are so lucky that he confessed early,a lot of people leave the surprise for years down the line or even after they're dead .

I also have to say that I agree with bukatyne on this one BUT I disagree when she's says you are disadvantaged. They have layed their own cards,you haven't shown yours at all.

Sentiments aside, you have to be very very clear about what it is you want for yourself in the next 5-10 years at least.


I will deduce that you're a Christian that believes in pastoral input and that is why pastor already called you for meeting,you took husband back immediately meaning that you want the marriage to continue. It is not a bad thing at all.

You have a cowife, no matter how hard you deny it,I am sorry this is the new reality. You have said being with the new baby and fatherhood is the most important thing to your husband now..it is his right and the baby deserves this no matter how painful it is to you,allow him to enjoy fatherhood.

He will be meeting with the woman, and they will be spending time together and bonding over the baby..I know this hurts very much but it is what it is.

OPTION 1: This is for a tough person - Your marriage can continue if you want, you have indicated this by your actions ,so why not?


You have toiled for 9 years,why should you go without securing your own future? Now your eyes have cleared,it's time to amass assets IN YOUR NAME if you have the cash.Instead of spending 5k on pot of soup,you spend 3k and pocket 2k..let the pennies start counting .

Let him pay for nappy,milk, accommodation, hospital visits from his own money and also make sure he pays for his own portion of managing your own home. This one is not your problem.Make a list and know who pays for what.

Look over the deeds to any property very well and make sure your full name is spelled out there eg Mrs Mavis Olulolo Malbaba,nothing like Mrs Malbaba.

If you were abroad,I would say visit a solicitor to make sure all your belongings truly belong to you but you are in Naija so I don't know how it works.

Love is such a fickle emotion,at least the scales have fallen from your eyes even though the deceit was horrible,you don't have to be an enemy to your husband.

Before all this, you were getting along, your relationship was enviable. .

I'm sure that the day he took his vows,he did not plan to be like this but somehow he derailed along the line and chose to live his own truth.I dont blame him o.but you don't have to pay for his decisions.

His betrayal may feel unbearable, you will NEVER forget but you can use it to your advantage.

Look at it this way,you have a free legitimate tank of sperm aka husband at your disposal, free sex(with a condom of course) if he's any good in the bedroom, a chance to have your children within a marriage all from the same father (which ties things up nicely) , reduced utility bills (rent, electricity),a chance to save up money till or if you're ever ready to strike.

Grit your teeth and get the kids first. Allow him to donate his own portion of the money to your IVF or surrogacy endeavour. Why should you pay for it alone? If the IVF works, hopefully it's twins or triplets at a go .That project you were doing ,better halt it and funnel the money into achieving your aim of carrying your own children/ adopting children for yourself.
At this rate,you will finish building with your sweat but won't partake.

Pain passes with time,get what you want first..

In a few years,you may have adjusted to the new reality but you will be a smarter,more cynical version of yourself, hopefully with your own children ,assets in your name and more money in the bank.

You may also have forgiven him to some extent (as the Lord instructed),your relationship will never be the same obviously,it may change to a jaded one,you will still love him(agape style) but with a limit and you will put yourself and your interests first.

Allow yourself to grieve this relationship you thought you had no matter how long it takes ,it will allow you to have a clear head to PLAN for yourself and your future children.

Yes,the child or children will be in your face but surely you will have your own or at least you wait long enough to get your ducks in a row.

This sounds like psychological torture but sometimes,you play fool just to achieve your aim. You can still run away when you get what you want ,don't think this is final.

You can do option 1 very well without turning into a bitter person because you are not just there anymore, you are now more informed and you are taking back your power.


OPTION 2: You cannot manage the betrayal and pain and prefer to start afresh,clean slate with peace of mind,new life,donor sperm or adopt for yourself etc.

No problem,it is possible. Doesn't mean you haven't forgiven,only means you just cannot live in this kind of situation.

OPTION 3: Forgive and forget,allow the peace of the Lord to reign, accept baby and future ones plus the mother.

Leave the account joint and sponsor the new addition.

Some Christians believe this or a variation of it is the sure path to peace of mind ,the single track to heaven and a magic key to opening the womb and having your own kids.
They may be right,I don't know.

Believe me,a lot of people live with option 3 and are fine.

Choose the one that gives you peace.

Marriages bounce back from infidelity depending on the relationship between the spouses and their red lines however your own situation is not that simple.


I will not pretend to understand the pain you're feeling but i believe you can pull through this.

Be Smart and calculative .You are a WOMAN,strong is your middle name.

Pele again.

I love you

Sotland:


I bet you would have preferred you and your husband adopt right?

Instead of you to accept the child as yours since the child is your husband blood. You are allowing your mind to be filled with ungodly thoughts..

Oh! It's the financial that is your concern right? Then split the account and take what's yours.. This even shows that you didn't forgive him truly but just trying to live by it..

Remember Nine Years no child.. So, is you or your husband getting any younger? You doesn't beat you, he still loves you and takes care of you. He didn't vent his anger or frustration for not having child or children, he protects you from relatives/outsiders and you don't appreciate it..

What if he decides to marry another wife today, will you divorce him?

Tell me is there a place in the Bible that condemn polygamy? Please give me the verse biko.


Many of us are hypocrites.. We claim to be christian yet we can't practice the true doctrine of the bible "Forgive & Forget"..

Imagine how everyone is condemning the Husband. And that will keep poisoning your mind and heart.

Someone even said he broke the marriage vows as if he or she understands what marriage vow is.. He's still having her under his roof, he still love and cares for her..So which vow was broken?

Becareful the kind of council you receive out here.. The deed is done. Just live in peace with your husband..

Please can you just shut up? Do you know what it is to wait for children?

Please remove all your money from that account. Do it immediately, I know some banks are open during this corona. Go on Tuesday and do the transfer. You guys can now use the balance to take care of his baby after all he didn't take permission from you before getting another woman pregnant. What he did is a premeditated act and I bet you his family is aware. Forget all this corocoro die tears and pastor invitations. In fact the woman might give birth to another child then they will ask him to marry her. One thing I hate in my whole life is deceit. You cannot think something in your mind, arrange on how you will execute your plans, satisfy your desires then come back and say 'forgive me'

idonhammer:
No wonder you too stubborn.

Looool

I don't think I have any regrets about things happening in my life.

Maybe I should have learnt how to make dresses or hair. But I cant draw a straight line neither can I combine colors.

I'm looking for my old friend Muhammed Awwalu. Attended tiny tots nursery and primary school markudi. We graduated in 1998. Someone said he got into mount Saint Gabriel Secondary School Markudi Same 1998 so he should have graduated 2004. Please I'm looking for him we where sit mates in primary school. Anyone that knows him or went to same school please give me info. Thanks

ProfDview1:


U no guy wey dey fvck u ni?

Oh. You be ode
Normal level for married people na. That one no need to dey list. Lool.

Ifyjos:

We have not settled have begged more than enough she refused to forgive me so I let her be . Me I have move on with my life , I’m happy with my guy and child

What you did is really bad. And any man that will join you to do that kind of thing should not be trusted completely. Anyways it's like 12 years now I believe you guys understand each other better. Fikwaa isaa n'anya.

Ifyjos:

Hahahaha miss beggar have seen you begging on the 5k giveaway I never knew you where a single mother of 2 hahahaha shame on you why did you edit your begging post ? Stop quoting my post me and you are not the same level , my guy stick with me but yours Bleep and give u free belle and dumped you with 2 kids shame oooo

Ify, how is your sister now. Hope she has a better man and a good job? I believe you guys have settled your quarrel?

I don't think so. My mum and dad have one of the best writings in the whole of Africa but mine looks like... Naira Marley's dada maybe

Errrrrr. I don't know, I've been on nairaland since 2013 or 12 can't remember when exactly. It's not nice when someone creates a thread to help people and another person is trolling up and down. Uboma please get off this thread and allow the woman do what she wants to do. She already knows what to do insulting people up and down is not nice at all. It's true some are genuine while some are fake but it's not your place to determine who is real or not. All these things didn't use to happen before on nairaland but I just came back and I'm seeing things. Be guided please.

Work out, shower, eat, TV, phone, sleep, eat, phone, TV, eat. Pray in between.
Repeat next day

The thread should have been.. "why you should value your body as a human"







You're welcome

You guys should come and tell me what to cook this Easter o. Oga says he wants white rice and stew. Imagine. He hates fried rice but can eat jollof every day. Why would anyone want white rice for Easter abeg?

I want to make home made juice. Please give me recipes for your home made zobo and kunu aya let me see something fes. What other drinks can I make at home ooooo. Would be waiting for your suggestions people of God.

ecolime:

If this applies to most women then we guys won't be complaining. Most women will rather keep the old items in bags and store them rather than dispose them or give them out. If the store gets filled, they keep the bags in the room

When you don't use things like shoes and bags regularly, they begin to scratch and peel off(wear and tear). One day you'd just realize the things you think you have are all spoilt. I don't reserve any clothes for work or church. I wear everything I have to anywhere so long as I'm fine and neat. Woh! I can't shout abeg or maybe I'm weird,

Well, I would have said it should be restricted but after reading a story yesterday of how one man was saved here from suicide after he got 9k after asking on nairaland I'm having second thoughts. You know I never would have believed that as small as the sum might look to some people, it actually saved a life. Truth is people are passing through a lot. It's just that some bad eggs who have made begging their day job would not allow others locate real life issues

ecolime:

After using all the items during the year, do you give these old items out?

Yeah. The ones I don't want again which is likely most of them.

obisite:



Very rare, first time seeing such...

Don't get me wrong. Before I got married. I buy clothes, shoes and hair after the Christmas season. And use them all through the year. Any other thing I buy is if for example someone is wedding 'must be family' and we need to do asoebi then I can buy else I wait. Clothes are cheaper after Christmas. My mum used to buy things on a whim making everywhere in our house filled with properties and appliances we hardly use. It scares the living day light out of me so now I'm in my house I just need the basics biko. Anything that can't stay in the store will not be bought abeg.

He no concern me. Your husband/wife your business. Whatever you guys decide to do with yourselves no concern me oooooo

ecolime:

Your type is rare. That's if you aren't lying oo.

Loool. You can come to my house. My sitting room is just chairs, curtains and TV then one centre table. My husband wants to add this that so it looks 'tech' rolls eyes. Those things are unnecessary. My walls are plain. I don't need anything hanging on them. I HATE CLUTTER! It drives me crazy... No side stools, no centre rugs, no arts. All these things people put in their house in the name of interior decorations drive me crazy.....

Loool. I'm actually the opposite. I HATE CLUTTER. I detest keeping things on the floor it irritates the living day light out of me hence I throw things away or give them out immediately I notice I don't have use for them anymore. My husband is the opposite, he can hoard for the whole of Africa and can keep unnecessary things it makes my head turn. I've dedicated one room to him that's where he keeps all his property. Can't kill myself abeg. Me that can't remember the last time I bought a shoe or dress because it's not necessary.

This thread was created in 2012 that's 8years ago and the OP was last seen online here in 2013 that's 7years ago. Who will tell us now If she finally met someone and He's her speck? Chai!

K

cococandy:


I have no sword to sheath because obviously I’ve attacked no one. Typically they bully you with personal attacks and then call you the bully even while you’re glaringly ignoring them.
And call those who agree with you arselickers meanwhile they are high giving each other in their folly but don’t consider themselves arselickers.

Wash, rinse , repeat.

Carry on

Okay. Abeg peace. Ko?

saucecoder, OchoL, cococandy you guys sheath your swords. Let's face the business at hand

by

bendazum:


What should be the financial role of a wife to her husband?

To support, that is why I asked the question what she does for a living. If she's unemployed, everything would seem wasteful because the spending is coming from only one source. If she's gainfully employed, she'd always augment what ever she's given with her own income and might not need an allowance for personal upkeep. Or wait, if a wife doesn't have a job and you don't give her small money for herself to buy things like her toiletries. Where do you think she'd do? Inflate the price of everything on her market list because she knows even if she asks her husband for money he'd grumble.

moshino:


Stop praying for the same thing "every blessed day". Go and work to make it happen. Do you think Rhianna sits and prays "every blessed day" for money like you. Go and work.

So from my post, you have already deciphered that I don't work? Clap for yourself. All these kids talking cho cho cho on nairaland. You better avoid me.

freecocoahubby:



Are you mad? A man should give his wife money for her own upkeep. Lmao. Tommorow now they will claim equality and feminism. F00ls.

I wasn't talking to you. Where did you see when the poster claimed his wife is a feminist? Do you even know what feminism is? See avoid me.