Post ur photo make person c u first maybe u wowo or fine and also I don't know ur bf perspective. But from d way u sound i know ur a selfish and self centered person. If u dont love a man y marry him unless u have ulterior motives or benefits. But let us reverse salary btwn u and ur guy and assume he is earning more than u. Should u expect him to demand money from u?

Going by the topic "Marrying Someone You Are Not Crazy About.- Should I Marry Him?" Do you have to be CRAZY about someone before marrying such person?

I suggest you check your heart very well there must be something you like about this guy for you to say yes to his proposal and you need to concentrate on his good side and work something out with him. Most problems with people (men and women) is that we have a predefined set of attributes our husband-to-be and wife-to-be should possess (good looking, great height, Godly, financially okay, romantic, GSOH, respectful) and once a condition or attribute is missing then "no crazy in love thing" It is obvious that the OP has set goals of marrying son of a mega oil magnate that will shower her with expensive gifts, trip to classic dinner, cruising on yacht which the poor husband-to-be is not capable of doing. The truth is that the person you will be crazily in love with will be a first class asshol.e.

A lady was complaining to me on my BB yesterday that she is tired of relationship that all guys are just bunch of idiots. Looking at this lady she is a person that only wants to date a clean, outgoing guy that has car and guys use this opportunity to use her and drop her azz like it's hot after logging in to her software.

My suggestion to the OP is that if your fiance is a good man, can perform(on bed) and is in love with you then concentrate on him and make him a better person, build him that is what love should be about "sacrifice" give, love, care without consciously expecting anything, I bet he will see these and appreciate you more in return and stop looking for a perfectionist and non existent prince charming. I can not marry a perfectionist and a lady I have not worked on.



Wait have you guys ever had s.ex yet? sorry to bother you on this.

iragbijile:

Is your dad a p/i/m/p?

What a silly and uncalled for question.

@Topic
Going through this thread I came across a Queensmith's post which a lot of women chose to ignore, for reasons best known to them I guess

queensmith: i like how people change their tunes depending on the posts, how many of you women here pay rent? or even half of it? do not come and pretend as if a man is not footing 90% of the bills in your homes. and do not come and excuse the patheticness by saying you are married.

damn this site is full of god damned hypocrites!

awon mrs independents, mrs independent housewives. . .I am amused.

One of the reasons why CC started a thread a few days ago on self esteem is to encourage women to be independent. IF CC's hubby surprises her with her Long over-due X5 does it mean that she is solely dependent on her husband? can't she afford this car's repayments if she decides she wants to get one for herself? she probably can but the fact that she is asking her husband for it, does not make her silly or jobless.

What I am trying to say here is, it is okay for you to ask your "spouse" for things as long as you are not selling yourself short. Most of the wrist watches I have which I hardly ever wear was given to me by my husband. Can I afford these watches? yes and did I ask him to get me some? Nope, he probably charted a truck load of them cos he found them much cheaper than getting me a tear rubber as a gift. The story of my life

My parents sent me to school to be very independent, Like I stated on some thread, we were not even allowed to take a dime from a man and any man that had too money hanging around us had to explain to my tiger father how he made his money. Even as a single lady my father gave us the little he had to buy ourselves under-wears, make our hair infact there was nothing any man could do then to attract us with his money.

It is a shame that this poster at the age of 30 is still waiting for a man to give her 2k to make her hair, a woman who claims to work in oil and gas(abi where again sef)at 30 you should be rejoicing that one unattached man has asked for your hand in marriage instead of asking us these questions. Would I advise you to marry a man who cannot afford his family 3 square meal not minding if his wife is dangote's only daughter? NO, would I advise you to wait on a man to provide for you even when you can provide for yourself? no. For goodness sakes he is not married to you yet, I keep saying this if a man has not married you, you are not his responsibility for heaven's sakes.

If this man gives you 20k for your hair now, marries you,moves into a new mansion similar to Psquare's and starts making millions, what do you yourself/as a person/as a woman/ have to give to this marriage?

Sisi_Kill:
Don't have any advice to give you. . .alls I'm gonna say is read you own post again, pay close attention to the highlighted parts and ask YOURSELF what YOU should.

I don't want to be a buzz kill but I gotta ask. . .why do women expect a guy to give them money for some things?!! I'm not talking about housekeeping money when you are married oh, I'm talking about all this no money for hair, no money for shoe, no money for bag, no money for manicure, when you are still doing boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean If we still need someone to give us money for all those things, why the hell are we working? We might as well just remain in our parents homes and be collecting pocket money like we did when we were in Primary School.

I swear sometimes, it is like we take 1 step forward and 1000 steps backwards.

babe marriage is no joke once u get into it u r stuck except u wanna be running around very sure of wot u want so u don't end up been miserable,30 is not old let God guide u

@ bebe4u

No marry the guy oo. at least not yet. You guys are evidently not compatible from your write up. He's not your type. If he can't give you little cash gifts, even if you are richer than him, the he's not worth it. Forget all the hungry guys complaining here. If they stick to only one chick, they should be generous enough to spare her some change once in a while, even 1000 naira. It all depends on the way that the money is presented.

Remember the story of MKO Abiola, when a poor lady brought him a crate of eggs as gifts (what others didn't do) and he was amazed and blessed her life after that.

At 30, u sure will feel the pressure, but be rest assured that there are guys that actually prefer to date ladies above 30 years old . These guys tend to be more classy, and will go for you if ur also classy.

As for you, u must be able to give ur man something, not necessarily turning urself to mama put or a sex machine. Probably conversations that would better ur man's life

@ poster, its no use marrying him, as you dont love or feel attracted to him. Be patient the right man will come. But bear in my mind, that most Nigerian men rarely care for their gf financially, even if its little. Majority of married women wont tell you the truth of how much they bring to the table, how they singlehandledly cater for the kids, and thus ignoring the man after series of complaints to deaf ears. Thats why u see alot of married men on the prowl looking for young girls to relive their once single days, talking about imaginary love to the single girls, just decieving themselves that they are still loved elsewhere, as their wives av decided to ignore them and focus on her life, kids and work.
Marriage is no bed roses,it comes with alot of responsibilty and overlooks especially when the kids start rolling in.. Some men are not ready for that responsibilty and wants to get married , but women are.
if u were sexually attracted to him, i will say go ahead, marry him , let him move into yur house, as he is so unwilling to bring his own money and rent his own apartment, even if its self contain, for God sake, at 35 still squating , na wa..but yur not?...so no use, or else u will be very miserable as the years go by.
Your own man will come, but remeber dont expect any financial assistance from the man, long gone are those days.

No Dnt Marry d guy,UR MARRIAGE WILL BE MISERABLE!!!

My dear friend!
As u plan or get confused about whether to marry this man or not, pls consider the ff:
1. Does he have atleast 70% of d qualities u desire in a man?
2.Is his disposition likely 2 change after seeing he has hooked u down with marriage and pregnancies?
3. Check his bad threats and see whether they can scare or hamper ur true happines in marriage?
4 Analyse his strengths,opportunities etc.?
5. Sit him down and have a thorough heart2heart talk;der u find out things about him
6.Pls marriage is not all about sex as sex doent necessarily lead to marriage.Since u hvnt engaged in it with him,hw can u knw his abilities in dt regard?
7.Dont forget,traditionally as u hv rightly mentioned,sometimes the woman doesnt fall in luv b4 marriage, et they lived happily and outlive the so-called 'in-love' marriages.
8.Sometimes this love wanes,sex life withers especially as u hv kids and approach menopause but what keeps u goin are those good qualities dt attracted u to him like tolerance,understanding,proper and effective communication etc.In fact its a mix of all these qualities dt triggers d so called love.
10 Pray to God for advice and learn not to pride ursef over him cos u are financially more buoyant but be humble and humane in issues.
DONT FORGET:LOVE GROWS WITH TIME AND EQUALLY DIES WITH TIME AND OTHER CONTRIBUTORY FACTORS.
GOODLUCK!!!

@bebe4u

The guy shld be man enough to also discuss accomodation with u. Even if it means u telling u to ur face that u will move into im mama and papa house or that u would pay the rent. In fact, i wonder why u've not raised cash issues and other important issues with him. The way he conveys his answer shld help u in thinking clearly.

And by the way, u are not even attracted to the guy in anyway, What are u still doing there? Trust me, even at age 35 u would be proposed to as a woman. The challenge would be getting the best fit. So ur definitely not in a better situation right now

durobraham: dear poster YOU HAVE SERIOUS issues!

first of all, your boyfriend proposes to you , you accept AND THEN you come asking if you should marry him, isnt that callous immaturity? why didnt you tell him to give you time to think about it& use that time to seek counsel? u have just portrayed urself as a foolish&unthinking woman who doesnt value her commitments

Secondly, you have no understanding of the role of money in relationships. Instead of being bothered that ur bf doesnt give u money for hair which u clearly DONT NEED, u should have been more concerned with how he spends his money. Does he still live @ home because hes the one paying the bills? is he frivolous or always in debt? is he financially savvy? those are the kinds of money questions a wife-to-be asks. Not he doesnt pay for my hair&makeup like a dumb teenager.

Thirdly, its obvious from ur post that u guys struggling in the comunication dept. all the answers u need can only be gotten from ur bf. Instead of talking openly&sincerely with him abt ur reservations, ure here on N/L displaying ur childishness. What kind of wife are u planning to be if u dont know how to get this man to talk with you abt important things?
babes grow up abeg. make friends with reponsible married women so u can be mentored. u might be 30 but darling u think like a 20 yr old school girl.

Spot on girl! Well said!!

@CC
I can bet you that the reason why this poster has got no feelings for this man both sexually and loving him is because of the above "problems" she found in him: he lives with his mum and he hasn't given her a dime and he does not earn so much. I am betting yous again that if this man is a millionaire who makes it rain in her wallet with thousands of naira, lives in a cute duplex and is driving a Jeep Cherokee, I am telling yous right now that whatever feelings she has suppressed, will spring forth like a civil rights hold.

She only came on NLD cos of her age, I bet you if she was in her early twenties she would have dumped the guy ages ago without even thinking twice. Her age is the reason why she is here

1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him. By that i mean im not
crazily in love but i like him as a friend. to the bolded, should be what you should cherish first, being crazy will fade.

Woman don't go there o! Or else u will blame urself in future. Pls retrace ur steps o i beg u. 35yrs stil with with his parents, hmn! Becareful b4 is too late gal.

I think that you are being torn between your values and your ideals.

In reality, this guy is NOT what you would have wanted in a guy but you are not getting any younger or attracting any body better.

I would therefore say that this guy is a good catch except for the sex part. You said you folks have been platonic friends, so probably the
problem is that YOU dont really shack this guy and he MAY be marrying you also as a SOCIAL climb.

I think you really have no better option, so in that case, i will say yes, marry him but I will add that before you do so
1) You really need to get over your insecurity so that you can believe in this guy and make the sacrifice to support his dreams.
2) Go for a real good deliverance, the two of you and find out what the heck is wrong with both of you
3) Get off the pressure of marrying and plan a weekly fun festival for the next 10 weeks, travelling out and
sneaking around and laughing with each other. You will soon see that falling in love is easy if you let go

i wish you the best of luck because what you have been bold to speak about is what is
happening in most relationships because many of our girls had been with Aristos before
they now have to STOOP lower to get the guy that will marry them, and its not easy but with God..

All things are possible

If a girl can't pay for fixing her damn hair, she isn't fit to be 'wifed' up. Like seriously, WTF?
That's why I stay away from Nigerian girls and their needy way of life.
I've never paid of any girl's hair, and all the girls I have ever been with,
always reject gifts from me.

Nigerian mentality is messed up!

Wot we have here is ur own part of d story. D truth is dt only u knws truth of evrytime nd dt of ur heart nd dts d only tin dt can set u free.

brut: Efemena pls keep shut if u ve nothin reasonable to say...how can you encourage a man to allow his wife be the breadwinner?besides,we don't even know the motive of the poster's fiance.Most guys r just too lazy,they look for already made women to carry their burdens.This guy doesn't even have an apartment of his own so what are u yackin?

No, I won't shut it. YOU shut it!

There is a big difference between boyfriend/girlfriend and a married couple.

While doing the boyfriend girlfriend thingy, neither are, nor should they be responsible for the other's upkeep. Why should a guy foot his girlfriend's bills? How was she sorting out herself financially, before the boyfriend came along? Tell me, as a man, you won't feel shamed that a guy takes over your role as a father to pay for your daughter's financial upkeep whilst dating?? If it's no skin off your nose, then pray do tell me - define your role as a FATHER!!

If on the other hand they're married, then that's a completely different ball game. They both have a responsibility to ensure the well-being of the other both financially and emotionally - and also for the kids when they come into the picture too.

There is no way in heaven you can tell me that you don't support a woman being the breadwinner if the couple fall on hard times. If I'm to take what you've just written literally, you're saying that if (heaven forbid) you loose your job and your wife's working, she shouldn't foot the bills? Or what should be done in that situation? Tell me? Do your kids starve in the meantime while madam spends her money on Brazillian weaves and Dada Osun??

If your current job can't foot all the bills and your madam's job can foot these same bills several times over, you're saying she should sit back, fold her arms and wait for you to get a better job whilst you're struggling?

Abeg go sleep jor. Next time think before posting a response. And I mean this in a nice way!

Damn queensmith, so your independence no reach that side? Abajo. . . Awon blackberry babes. I won't be taking you Nigerian girls seriously any more, lol.
God forbid I will be biting myself because some boyfriend or husband did not drop chop money, money for pads, underwear, hair, pedicure, manicure lol. If he wants to do it, who am I to decline? Lol.
So how do u girls show your own love? You give him money to cut his hair?
I mean there are other major things he should be throwing his weight on and not this pettiness.

@poster
If that is how you want your relationship to be, you tell him. People are not mind readers, you know. I can assure you if this man was rich and spent on you, you would develop 'earth shattering orga.sms' for him with butterflies running everywhere. You think we don't know . You would be the one telling people he's Mr. Fantastic, like that woman in that other thread. You would say because 'he takes care of his responsibilities' i.e buys pomade, gives you two two thousand naira to make your hair, so he is 'a caring man'.

Nevertheless, the man is not serious. He needs to get his life in order before bringing a wife in.

No problem , just leave that guy and marry me.. I will make you happy..
On a serious note, are you sure it is not because you are seemingly better in status that is making you not find a good rhythm with him? You really have to be sincere with your heart and feelings.. But if you don't feel love for him don't risk it..

I guess my line of thoughts are different and I see the poster point of view very differently.

A man that you have been in a relationship with for 3 years and has never given you a "gift', bia I no no o, that is one stingy man.

All this is he ur husband, is he ur father, let me say this people never change, there won't be a sudden amazing change just because she becomes Mrs him, he won't suddenly transition to Mr generous. As we lay our bed we will lie on it. If she is happy footing the bill in the marriage, then she shouldn't complain.

What I find offensive is probably when you expect him to give you money to make your hair etc as if you have a right to his wallet but a man that is in a relationship with you and does not even think and make the effort to buy you gift willingly. O ga o.

Please let be real here, how many of us married women here can honestly say in our courtship, the man didn't buy you one thing that you were like awwwww even if the gift was dirt cheap, we still appreciated it because he thought to make you smile. Even with less to nothing, the man should at least prove to you that he can take care of his family.

Buying gifts is a sign of appreciation and whether we like to admit it or not, the generosity of one's partner is one of the character trait that makes some of us abokoku. 'Love love love' is not enough. Anyway in time, we will all learn more.

after only reading page1-2 here's what I think:

@op don't marry the guy .

If you were Indian and this was an arranged marriage then maybe like in the indian movies you could fall in love with him later. But my dear in nollywood you have got lto have faith, love and attraction and communication as a good foundation to build marriage on.

As for the 2k for wash and set issue, I think if u can afford it fine,then don't make noise about it . However if it is your birthday and he does not get u a gift then maybe you can say he is stingy.

If you decide to go ahead and marry him , then please both of you should discuss the financial expectations u hv from each other so there won't another post about stingy husband after you say i do.

The lack of tact from posters is so unsurprising. In the name of advice, must you get personal and attack the poster? smh

From what the OP said, it sounds like she could do better. A man living at home with his parents at the age of 35 is coupled with his character of being stingy

The bottom line is that you do not love this man and you want to settle. There is no point in settling at a young age of 30. I have heard of people taking 12 months (even 6 months) from the first meeting to the altar so be patient and wait for the guy that makes you happy. Imagine that you will live till the age of 90 with your husband, do you really see yourself spending the next 60 years of your life with this man?

jennykadry: @CC
I can bet you that the reason why this poster has got no feelings for this man both sexually and loving him is because of the above "problems" she found in him: he lives with his mum and he hasn't given her a dime and he does not earn so much. I am betting yous again that if this man is a millionaire who makes it rain in her wallet with thousands of naira, lives in a cute duplex and is driving a Jeep Cherokee, I am telling yous right now that whatever feelings she has suppressed, will spring forth like a civil rights hold.

She only came on NLD cos of her age, I bet you if she was in her early twenties she would have dumped the guy ages ago without even thinking twice. Her age is the reason why she is here

Gbam. Didn't see this before I wrote mine. Poster thinks we are stupid and don't know the mechanisms of women's mind.

Is it just me or I'm I missing something? I can see people commenting on him not giving her a single gift in the 3 years they have been together and I have gone through her post and cannot see it stated anywhere, can someone please show me where to find that line?

qunleajayi: I would therefore say that this guy is a good catch except for the sex part. You said you folks have been platonic friends, so probably the
problem is that YOU dont really shack this guy and he MAY be marrying you also as a SOCIAL climb.

@bolded
Spot on!
I don't think that the poster is not attractive. I can't stay in a truly faithful relationship for one month without intimacy, let alone 3yrs. Except the guy is a gay or impotent. Pls poster, don't celebrate the fact that he has not shagged u since u started your affair with him. This calls for some serious questions. You should investigate to know whether he is shagging other babes. A sexually active man cannot stay that long. OR you are simply unattractive to him, OR he wants to use u to climb the social ladder. Pls ponder on this.

I Had to go over to the Op original post, my bad, I read and I saw saloon sessions. Hmm, its a different thing if you are asking him for saloon money and its a different thing if he doesn't spoil you once in a while.

bebe4u: My virtual friends, i am posting this because i ant to share the burden i have in my life right now and i seek for honest answer and advice in which ever way. please keep it polite anyone could be in a similar situation and we could all learn from it at the end of the day.

I am 30years of age female working in the oil & gas sector and very comfortable financially. How ever i have been in a platonic relationship with a guy who is currently working in a bank but i am better off financially. He never hid his intention that he loves me and would want to take things to the next level but i have always maintain my stand of us not rushing things while trying to sort out my real feelings for him. He asked me to marry him recently and i accepted. The burden i have in my heart now is 1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him. By that i mean im not crazily in love but i like him as a friend. 2- I have concerns about our financial obligation in the sense that i fear he might not provide for me the way a husband should for is wife. i am a traditional person where i believe a man should always provide for his wife no matter how small, im willing to support him but through the three years we have been friends he hasnt provided in the least of money for my salon session. i feel he is just taking advantage of the fact that i can afford it, so i feel differently. He currently lives with his family and younger brother. i talked to him one day and said he should get a house of his own but till date he hasnt and havent made any real effort at that yet he talks about facilitating meeting my parents et al. Question is what are the pros and cons of going ahead to marry this young man or should i just call it off as i have been tempted to several times. BTW he is 35yrs of age, has been working in the bank for 6 yrs as an employee. As we all know the presure young ladies face in the society about being single by 30years. Please respond with your candid advice. i will appreciate while i keep praying as most of you will end up saying to me. Thank you.

I dont mean to be rude, but lets do some role reversal here. I get the feeling that you wouldnt be here complaining or asking for advice IF he was the one working in Oil and Gas and financially having the upper hand, while you were the one earning the average bank salary and living with your parents.

In any case, you have already stated the facts of the matter which in summary are:
1). You are in your thirties and need to marry
2). He loves you
3). You like him (at least as a friend)
4). He proposed and you accepted.

Sista, wetin you wan make we talk again?

The facts of the matter tilt towards you hooking up with this guy inasmuch as you at least like him. Life is all about risks. If you fashi this guy, how do you know the next guy to profess love for you will even have a job? ...or will even be your friend, like this guy is?

You cant eat your cake and have it. I always say that when it comes to marriage, if ever a woman has a choice between loving someone or being loved by someone, she should take the latter. If you give him time and get to know him, your friendship will naturally mature into love.

Most of our parents didnt have time for this love, courtship brouhaha and they are having happier and longer marriages than us. Fact.

Seize the moment. As long as all other factors (tribe, religion, etc) are okay with you and your family, and as long as you are humble enough to respect him as man of the house, then take your chance. Life is not only short, but you never know tomorrow.

All the best.

@Jenny, this is what she said. . .

@ sisikill and still water, i used salon money as the least cash assistance he can offer in terms of suporting me and im not talking salon money for brazilian weavon or anything of that range. im reffering to wash and set of at most 2k. not that i cant afford it, its a gesture of the fact that i am someone he should be responsible for as a wife to be.My point of concern is him not being responsive to my needs and translating that to not providing house keeping money just because im working and can afford it.

From my own understanding, cash assistance is different from gifts. I asked her if he remembers to give her gifts on birthdays, valentine etc. She never responded.

You not in love yet u wanna marry him,when he proposed you accepted,you knew he wasn't financially ok(he squats,u earn more etc) and you just realized he's not d one.

My advice if you call it off and he asks y tell him YOU WERE DRUNK wen yu said yes

stillwater: Damn queensmith, so your independence no reach that side? Abajo. . . Awon blackberry babes. I won't be taking you Nigerian girls seriously any more, lol.
God forbid I will be biting myself because some boyfriend or husband did not drop chop money, money for pads, underwear, hair, pedicure, manicure lol. If he wants to do it, who am I to decline? Lol.
So how do u girls show your own love? You give him money to cut his hair?
I mean there are other major things he should be throwing his weight on and not this pettiness.

LOl- stillwater you know me. I just couldnt believe the nerve of some of the women here. Women that don't pay rent, don't pay bills, don't do anything but cook and clean. Independent on one thread and dependent on the next. It's annoying, when I try to make the same point on another thread these women will use their state of 'housewifery' to claim all sorts of nonsense. mshew.

meanwhile- there are barely many Nigerian women out there that can be truly independent. They depend on men (mostly their partners) for absolutely everything, if a woman boasts of a business it's probably because her man footed it, boasts of a car a man probably bought it, in fact those with education can only do so because one husband or the next has paid for it. So its good if you are married and bad if you are planning to marry the person? does that make any sense? How is your husband to know what you expect when all throughout the courting you were forming because of the nonsense you read written by housewives on nairaland? Why cant we all be honest for a change.

lurkee: The lack of tact from posters is so unsurprising. In the name of advice, must you get personal and attack the poster? smh

From what the OP said, it sounds like she could do better. A man living at home with his parents at the age of 35 is coupled with his character of being stingy

Being stingy is not always a bad thing. Our parents had a different way of describing it -- they called it 'being economical.'

The bottom line is that you do not love this man and you want to settle. There is no point in settling at a young age of 30. [b]I have heard of people taking 12 months (even 6 months) from the first meeting to the altar [/b]so be patient and wait for the guy that makes you happy. Imagine that you will live till the age of 90 with your husband, do you really see yourself spending the next 60 years of your life with this man?

I have also heard of people who did that, even saw some on TV and radio . . . most times the women always end up in a skin suit. TO be fair, sometimes some do end up in some rich guys's trunk on a deserted road. I hope thats not what you are wishing for the OP?