chaircover:

Thank you andromida for answering my question. You have mentioned what is expected of the traditional man. I am now curious as to know what the traditional man expects from his wife? I am just trying to understand some things.

Respect,submissive,support.

coogar:
corporate beggar!
better go and find a good paying job and stop looking for cash cows to pay your life bills.
your spouse is not your biological father. let him give out of his own free will, do not demand like its your right - that's the message! it's women like you who sleep with their bosses cos he's more financially buoyant than your husband cos your love is tied with the number of digits in a man's account balance!

Lol! What do you have to say of the hypocrisy of many naija men including here on NL who hold on to the traditional roles of women in the home as if their lives depended on it but suddenly become modernized when it comes to sharing the financial responsibility? Cos you know, God forbid the blasphemous, disrespectful abomination that daily household duties should be divided equally but when it comes to money matters it should be 50:50. Abi?

coogar:

how do you define love?

Dude that's a topic for another day.

as per the age thing, one has to be realistic. a woman at 30 has limited options. this does not mean she should be unhappy but she should have it at the back of her mind that she might not get what she wants.

there are plenty of younger women in nigeria with better income and less demanding. at 30, she should be less choosy and be ready to compromise a little bit. she has lost some huge portion of her bargaining power - that's the hard truth you should be telling her!

So are you saying go ahead and marry the guy. . .even though she doesn't love him and she isn't sexually attracted to him?

How is that fair to the guy?

Cuddlemii:

This marriage thing sef!

May I ask what you have been doing since in terms of settling down? I mean why did you wait this long? 30 years is old! I see you as a woman who is very choosy, has high expectations in a man, not considerate & unrealistic.

I just have an advise for you though, make sure whatever you are getting into you have peace of mind & happiness. Forget attraction, finance or love for the man in question or do you have other options? Do you have men of your "taste" flocking around you or proposing to you? If u don't have a better option, then you have no choice! Bother about his love, xter/attitude, morals, way of life & commitment towards you.

Take it from me, 2 or 5 years from now, its a photographer that would be on your case. This thing is like a cycle, its keeps getting worse and not better. When you were in your peak period, I am sure you played the game of chess with a lot of men's emotions because you were choosy. Life is what it is, you have to make do with what you have. Remember beautiful ones are not yet born, take a field trip to unilag(land of plenty), Covenant Uni(land of innocent beauties), to the north(natural beauties)...You would be amazed at the attractive babes with good xter. Men would rather go for those ones before your age bracket. Even mid twenties babes can testify to that. The first thing that comes to mind is that, a 30 years old unmarried/single woman was probably promiscuous, lost her womb, committed several abortions and slept her way to success. Do you know how many people would have cautioned him to leave you for a younger woman? Or you think cos he is 35, he is in the same boat as you?

Better don't let these married women tell you to leave the man. The world only identify with success! When the hard time comes, no one would stand by you instead its insults you would get and these same people asking you to say NO would insult you for not grabbing the opportunity. You are meant to be having a matured conversation with the man, let him know how you feel about him not contributing his quota financially. Try and come to a compromise with him on a realistic level. Thank God you are rich, you no even happy sey na banker u go show off to family & friends at 30. If na office clerk wetin u for do? Just make the best out of whatever situation you get urself into, its your destiny! Even you can't re-write it, you can at least shape/mold it to your benefit. ABOVE ALL, PRAY PRAY PRAY FOR GOD'S WISDOM & GUIDANCE(He would make everything fine).

Because she is 30 she no longer has a choice in d kind of man she wants †̥☹ marry, right? @poster pls ignore some comments here, a responsible man no matter how small he earns would want to show †ђξ girlfriend let alone fiancee that he is capable of taking care of her so if he is not doing that, pls, it is time for you to have a rethink cos it is better †̥☹ be single and happy than married and miserable, your own husband will definitely locate you.

eiya, ..... girls dey suffer sha

How come my own 30+ girls they dey very bold and over confident?

esere826: eiya, ..... girls dey suffer sha

How come my own 30+ girls they dey very bold and over confident?

Umhh,, if they weren't, I won't be attracted to them in the first place

bebe4u: My virtual friends, i am posting this because i ant to share the burden i have in my life right now and i seek for honest answer and advice in which ever way. please keep it polite anyone could be in a similar situation and we could all learn from it at the end of the day.

I am 30years of age female working in the oil & gas sector and very comfortable financially. How ever i have been in a platonic relationship with a guy who is currently working in a bank but i am better off financially. He never hid his intention that he loves me and would want to take things to the next level but i have always maintain my stand of us not rushing things while trying to sort out my real feelings for him. He asked me to marry him recently and i accepted. The burden i have in my heart now is 1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him. By that i mean im not crazily in love but i like him as a friend. 2- I have concerns about our financial obligation in the sense that i fear he might not provide for me the way a husband should for is wife. i am a traditional person where i believe a man should always provide for his wife no matter how small, im willing to support him but through the three years we have been friends he hasnt provided in the least of money for my salon session. i feel he is just taking advantage of the fact that i can afford it, so i feel differently. He currently lives with his family and younger brother. i talked to him one day and said he should get a house of his own but till date he hasnt and havent made any real effort at that yet he talks about facilitating meeting my parents et al. Question is what are the pros and cons of going ahead to marry this young man or should i just call it off as i have been tempted to several times. BTW he is 35yrs of age, has been working in the bank for 6 yrs as an employee. As we all know the presure young ladies face in the society about being single by 30years. Please respond with your candid advice. i will appreciate while i keep praying as most of you will end up saying to me. Thank you.

I've come to realise that when a woman doesn't really love a man, she comes up with flimsy excuses. @OP is just another classic example. Since when did N2k for hair become a criteria for marriage? You guys have dated for 3 years, isn't that long enough to sort out your feelings? Anyway sha to help you out, dont marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without.

Sisi_Kill:

Dude that's a topic for another day.



So are you saying go ahead and marry the guy. . .even though she doesn't love him and she isn't sexually attracted to him?

How is that fair to the guy?

Was she high on acid when she accepted the proposal? Peeps should learn to bear the consequences of their actions. Why do they always wait till the very end to consult nl? When she was proposed to, she should have thought it through. No one says "yes" if the man is not worthy. The reason y she is backing off is becos of the man's financial disposition. All these love, sex etc is just a camouflage. Didn't she consider that before saying "YES" to him. I am not asking anyone to force love but dnt toil arnd by raising hopes only to shatter it later.

bebe4u: My virtual friends, i am posting this because i ant to share the burden i have in my life right now and i seek for honest answer and advice in which ever way. please keep it polite anyone could be in a similar situation and we could all learn from it at the end of the day.

I am 30years of age female working in the oil & gas sector and very comfortable financially. How ever i have been in a platonic relationship with a guy who is currently working in a bank but i am better off financially. He never hid his intention that he loves me and would want to take things to the next level but i have always maintain my stand of us not rushing things while trying to sort out my real feelings for him. He asked me to marry him recently and i accepted. The burden i have in my heart now is 1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him. By that i mean im not crazily in love but i like him as a friend. 2- I have concerns about our financial obligation in the sense that i fear he might not provide for me the way a husband should for is wife. i am a traditional person where i believe a man should always provide for his wife no matter how small, im willing to support him but through the three years we have been friends he hasnt provided in the least of money for my salon session. i feel he is just taking advantage of the fact that i can afford it, so i feel differently. He currently lives with his family and younger brother. i talked to him one day and said he should get a house of his own but till date he hasnt and havent made any real effort at that yet he talks about facilitating meeting my parents et al. Question is what are the pros and cons of going ahead to marry this young man or should i just call it off as i have been tempted to several times. BTW he is 35yrs of age, has been working in the bank for 6 yrs as an employee. As we all know the presure young ladies face in the society about being single by 30years. Please respond with your candid advice. i will appreciate while i keep praying as most of you will end up saying to me. Thank you.

If you don't love him, why date him for three years? Why waste the guy's time? I've come to realise that when a woman doesn't love a man, she comes up with flimsy excuses. Your 'salon money' example is another such. You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

My dear,from my knowledge,marriage is not a 1+1 affair.First,you must be Psychologically prepared b/4 being mentally and materially ready.Its the first that will serve as an enegizer in moment of crisis.Besides,if for 6 solid years this GUY has consistently held a steady and a stable JOB,muchless in a BANK,and yet unable to provide a decent accomodation?Honestly,this GUY is simply not ready.Babe,PULL OFF YOUR SHOES AND RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN

so bebe4u, when una don marry and dey live for im papa house, or house wen u use ur money rent.

Wen u come home from work tired, u go still enter kitchen go cook food for: u, him, him mama, papa and brother abi? ......good wife

Or is the man so 'modern' that he will be doing the cooking most of the time knowing that both of you have to share responsibilities? so modern that he will understand ur reduced sex drive anytime u r feeling frustrated, and not pounce on u like a starved bull?


U don enter trouble ooooo. Make sure say u tok to your guy well, well, sebi im be ur friend?

My advise is for u to let him go. i've once been in ur current situation. We can't chose whom we care about, so u have to be honest with urself. About him not giving u or buying u things. That's a big problem cos that can turn into a monster when u get married, cos love is all about giving, no matter how little.
Sadly some of d men we have these days are "gold diggers". They go after highly successful ladies whom seem desperate and are willing to settle for anything. i can't believe his been working in a bank for six years and still lives with his parents. If u marry such a person, prepare to be d one training ur kids, and shouldering ur family's responsibility. While he spends his money partying and womanising.
i know what I'm saying cos my dad was like that.

[quote author=chaircover]Short answer = [size=18pt]NO[/size]

why because you are focusing on the trivial things such as salon money rather than his character. Is he hardworking? Is he reliable? Is he caring? does he love you? Is he a man of integrity? Does he communicate well? How does he treat you? and a whole heap of other things that make up a person, not just common 2k saloon money.

Do you know that it is easier to make money than it is to change your character?

Anyway, you dont love him or find him sexually attractive so your marriage is going to be a struggle from day one.

Please free the guy and let him find someone who will love and appreciate him for the little that he has/is/can give. quick question though apart from your super duper mega fantastic salary that you are bringing in from your oil and gas job, what else do you bring to the table?

You are right though; keep on praying for the one that will have pass marks in all your marriage criteria boxes. He is out there somewhere. . . . just be patient you hear.


True speech.The poster is not ready for marriage,at 30 let her still wait more for a person that will suit all her criteria.As far as this guy does not have money up to this lady,she will never be in love with him base on her nature and way of life.She has seen money and that money is what deceive alot of ladies.Before she knows it,time must have gone,Had i know,will follow.

evryday: My dear,from my knowledge,marriage is not a 1+1 affair.First,you must be Psychologically prepared b/4 being mentally and materially ready.Its the first that will serve as an enegizer in moment of crisis.Besides,if for 6 solid years this GUY has consistently held a steady and a stable JOB,muchless in a BANK,and yet unable to provide a decent accomodation?Honestly,this GUY is simply not ready.Babe,PULL OFF YOUR SHOES AND RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN

well said. at 35 + 6 yrs in d bank?

mirob:

Because she is 30 she no longer has a choice in d kind of man she wants †̥☹ marry, right? @poster pls ignore some comments here, a responsible man no matter how small he earns would want to show †ђξ girlfriend let alone fiancee that he is capable of taking care of her so if he is not doing that, pls, it is time for you to have a rethink cos it is better †̥☹ be single and happy than married and miserable, your own husband will definitely locate you.

Ok lets ignore the 30 part.

Everyone is bothered about her desires. Have u stopped to think from the guys perspective? She said "yes" to him for crying out loud! Saying "no" now would only hurt that man and she might pay for that. Infact saying "no" would mean men should never be empathetic & compassionate to women cos they are "confused" lots. Now I see there is no disparity between men and women. Men are just transparent with their evil doings. If the man was ur brother or son, would u subscribe to her changing her decision? How inhuman can we be? If I am an employer, I can't employ such a fickle minded woman!

Cuddlemii:

Was she high on acid when she accepted the proposal? Peeps should learn to bear the consequences of their actions. Why do they always wait till the very end to consult nl? When she was proposed to, she should have thought it through. No one says "yes" if the man is not worthy. The reason y she is backing off is becos of the man's financial disposition. All these love, sex etc is just a camouflage. Didn't she consider that before saying "YES" to him. I am not asking anyone to force love but dnt toil arnd be raising hopes only to shatter it later.

You would like her to correct her first mistake with another?

Cuddlemii:

Was she high on acid when she accepted the proposal? Peeps should learn to bear the consequences of their actions. Why do they always wait till the very end to consult nl? When she was proposed to, she should have thought it through. No one says "yes" if the man is not worthy. The reason y she is backing off is becos of the man's financial disposition. All these love, sex etc is just a camouflage. Didn't she consider that before saying "YES" to him. I am not asking anyone to force love but dnt toil arnd be raising hopes only to shatter it later.

I think the guy would rather be heartbroken now and free to move on to someone who loves him than to be stuck in a marriage with someone who doesn't love him. If she truly loved him, she won't be nitpicking on the most minutia of all issues like wash and set money and it is bound to get worse once they are married because no matter what he does, he won't please her. Why should he be miserable because of her? Yep, I don't think it is fair for him to pay for the consequences of her actions. . . I don't!!

Sisi_Kill:
Dude that's a topic for another day.

i wait patiently....

So are you saying go ahead and marry the guy. . .even though she doesn't love him and she isn't sexually attracted to him?

How is that fair to the guy?

how many women actually married who they truly love? abeggi - you'd find out that more often than not - majority of the women out there married what was available when they were "ready"......you think it's easy to find mutual love in this world of sin? sisikill, you should know better. let this woman marry what's available to her right now - love would find them later! if she waits till she finds someone she loves, there's no guarantee that man would love her, is there? she might have to wait till age 49 before she finds the perfect partner!

Cuddlemii:

Ok lets ignore the 30 part.

Everyone is bothered about her desires. Have u stopped to think from the guys perspective? She said "yes" to him for crying out loud! Saying "no" now would only hurt that man and she might pay for that. Infact saying "no" would mean men should never be empathetic & compassionate to women cos they are "confused" lots. Now I see there is no disparity between men and women. Men are just transparent with their evil doings. If the man was ur brother or son, would u subscribe to her changing her decision? How inhuman can we be? If I am an employer, I can't employ such a fickle minded woman!

She's made one big mistake that has already got thousands of viewers examining her case. Any of the other two options, might also be a bigger mistake, ie going ahead or pulling out.

Na here she go bend her knees down and pray like mad. Also she must sit her man down and talk to him

I have seen a situation like this where the girl got engaged stupidly, and while she was 'waiting and praying' over her mistake and trying to convince the guy to re orientate himself another correct bobbo showed up. Wanting her, but understanding her situation did not even waste time dating her. He married her straight away

What have u given to him since u started dating him . Marriage is not honey but fire fire. When u get to 35 come are and start to cry.

coogar:

i wait patiently....

Don't move a muscle ooh! :p

how many women actually married who they truly love? abeggi - you'd find out that more often than not - majority of the women out there married what was available when they were "ready"......you think it's easy to find mutual love in this world of sin? sisikill, you should know better. let this woman marry what's available to her right now - love would find them later! if she waits till she finds someone she loves, there's no guarantee that man would love her, is there? she might have to wait till age 49 before she finds the perfect partner!

I'm not concerned about the girl here (sorry if that sounds cold), it is the poor dude I am concerned about. She should let him go, so he can find someone who loves him in spite of his flaws. This does not mean she can'tfind someone who loves her, I don't believe that at all. I believe there is someone out there who is going to look past what others might think are a BIG NO NO in you and just think you are the best thing since sliced bread.

Haven't you ever come across a couple and you sit there thinking. . .what the hell does he see in her/she in him?! Yep, that's what I am talking about, all this fear mongering of grabbing whatever you have now because you are this or thus is just that. . . .fear mongering!!

Sisi_Kill:
Don't move a muscle ooh! :p

I'm not concerned about the girl here (sorry if that sounds cold), it is the poor dude I am concerned about.

the poor dude will find someone else who loves him. life is about winners and losers.
the last job you got and celebrated, someone else cried about the same job and mourned it for weeks!

coogar:

the poor dude will find someone else who loves him. life is about winners and losers.
the last job you got and celebrated, someone else cried about the same job and mourned it for weeks!

Exactly! And for him to find someone. . .she needs to let him go!!!!

ileobatojo:

You would like her to correct her first mistake with another?

What do u mean? elaborate!

I dey craze? Why i go give you money to take make your hair for
salon when your salary big pass my own? This traditional African women's
mentality is what i detest.

if after 3 years she doesnt love him, its not possible for her to love him again.
i hope this guy in question is not her accounts manager

Cuddlemii:

What do u mean? elaborate!

To elaborate, I will quote Sisikill.

"I think the guy would rather be heartbroken now and free to move on to someone who loves him than to be stuck in a marriage with someone who doesn't love him. If she truly loved him, she won't be nitpicking on the most minutia of all issues like wash and set money and it is bound to get worse once they are married because no matter what he does, he won't please her. Why should he be miserable because of her? Yep, I don't think it is fair for him to pay for the consequences of her actions. . . I don't!"

Sisi_Kill:
Exactly! And for him to find someone. . .she needs to let him go!!!!

sooner than later, she would let go or the dude himself would dIscover the chic is just taking him on a carousel trip!

Sisi_Kill:
She should let him go, so he can find someone who loves him in spite of his flaws. This does not mean she can'tfind someone who loves her, I don't believe that at all. I believe there is someone out there who is going to look past what others might think are a BIG NO NO in you and just think you are the best thing since sliced bread.

of course, there's always someone out there who would be blind to her flaws but 2 things are working against that as we speak - her age and the environment she dwells. at 30, her options are a tad limited to divorcees, babyfathers, widowers and polygamists! how many young men would marry a 30 yr-old woman? this is not chicago - this is africa where superstitions reign supreme! before you know it, they would tie her situation to something ridiculous(spiritual husband, sins of her forefathers, teenage abortion, etc)

Haven't you ever come across a couple and you sit there thinking. . .what the hell does he see in her/she in him?! Yep, that's what I am talking about, all this fear mongering of grabbing whatever you have now because you are this or thus is just that. . . .fear mongering!!

she's 30, sisikill!
the female graduates of nigerian private universities have priced her ilk out of the husband market! some 10 yrs ago, it's perfectly normal.....these days, there are younger girls that are richer, more submissive and less demanding.....do the math, this is no fear mongering.....

Before I take my leave- Op lets do an experiment, drop the man's email address & phone number here. You would be amazed at the number of babes that would contact him or even pay him a visit to mend his heart. You know so many peeps view nl, dem go bombard am forget the whole ranting & talk talk. This only shows scarcity and that you don't appreciate what you've got.

We can all argue back and forth on this but you are the one who knows where the shoe hurts,
you know your strengths, limit & weakness, you know what & who you are capable of attracting and
you know what is really up so use your head! Best wishes in whatever u decide. Adios!

ileobatojo:

To elaborate, I will quote Sisikill.

"I think the guy would rather be heartbroken now and free to move on to someone who loves him than to be stuck in a marriage with someone who doesn't love him. If she truly loved him, she won't be nitpicking on the most minutia of all issues like wash and set money and it is bound to get worse once they are married because no matter what he does, he won't please her. Why should he be miserable because of her? Yep, I don't think it is fair for him to pay for the consequences of her actions. . . I don't!"

Ok!

Dear bebe,

You have read all the comments; the brainless,the wise,the insulting, the encouraging and the absolutely idiotic.

However it all boils down to these:

No one will be with you when you are crying at night.

No one will see you apply powder and mascara to your face and eyes swollen with crying,just before you step out of the house,plaster a fake smile on your tense face, enter your fancy car and drive off to your mundane, high paying job.

No one will be with you when your man lies beside you at night and reaches out to you in silent demand for his conjugal rights and you involuntarily cringe. . .

If after three years of ...er,'dating' you haven't been able to feel any intimate attraction or desire for him then there is a problem somewhere. Deep down in your heart of hearts you already know what to do but the fear of remaining single at your "great old age of 30" made you accept his proposal.

You obviously don't have many options and the clock is ticking. . .tick tock. . .tick tock. . .tick tock. . . That's why you are even considering entering into a marriage contract your mind and spirit dosent agree with.

Marriage is not a ticket to heaven, my dear sister. Most of the people who have villified you with cruel words have no idea what it feels like to be in your shoes; the intense pressure that the society places on women your age who are still single. Okay when you become Mrs So and So, what next? What next? Babies and the tag of 'mrs'. What happens to your happiness and fulfillment?? WHAT HAPPENS?? Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured.

I understand your situation and I completely sympathise with you but sympathy will not solve the problem at hand. Take your problems to God; He is the one who established the first marriage and He is still in the business of establishing marriages that will bring glory to His holy kingdom. We here on Nairaland are mere fallible mortals and we have spoken based on our limited understanding of the human situation,but at the end of the day it all boils down to YOU. You are the one who will face the consequences of your actions and we will not be there to suffer or enjoy with you in the aftermath.


Remove yourself and ask God to take His place in your marital destiny. In the meantime, though you may feel time is running out, don't take any rash or hasty decisions because like they say, a broken relationship is better than a a broken marriage. Some are rushing in while some are seriously hustling with determination to get out.

God's delay is not His denial. It is well

Ishi

Double post