Adeolu60:

Okay, I'll do that after the storm is calm. But I hope my brother doesn't punch him on his face! Lol I'm not even kidding , my brothers are brutal!

Leave everyone out of this. If they go and fight the guy and the guy divorces you, are you going to live with them? Are your kids going to call your brothers daddy? Something like this can put a big strain on the kids and your relationship even the the event of a divorce. Violence never solves anything. Also, family tends to overblow things out of emotion. Besides you cannot tell me your brothers are not cheats. So their reaction might not be what you will expect. It will be better for both of you to resolve this. If you have a reasonable sibling and you think you want to talk to someone, by all means do that. But then again, you already have a therapist.

Adeolu60:

Okay, I'll do that after the storm is calm. But I hope my brother doesn't punch him on his face! Lol I'm not even kidding , my brothers are brutal!

When I said tell your family, at least your mum, I did that with the understanding you are not from one of them agbero families were people talk first with their fists. I still stand by the suggestion that you need to let this out, and best you do so with family members than outsiders who do not know you as a person and an individual.

Demand that no tempers flare . . talk to your people and tell them the agony you are dealing with. If this man will leave you, he will do so whether you tell your parents or not. There is no GUARANTEE that he is not going to decide one morning that he wants to cheat again, if you do not, so do not fall under the illusion that you are the one required to walk on shells here. He . . trampled on your marriage for a full year. You need to consider you first. You need support and therapy can only go so far. I and guessing the last thing you want is to have this same husband of yours hold you or console you. So please take advantage of the God given support system you have there before things get worse.

2mch:

Leave everyone out of this. If they go and fight the guy and the guy divorces you, are you going to live with them? Are your kids going to call your brothers daddy? Something like this can put a big strain on the kids and your relationship even the the event of a divorce. Violence never solves anything. Also, family tends to overblow things out of emotion. Besides you cannot tell me your brothers are not cheats. So their reaction might not be what you will expect. It will be better for both of you to resolve this. If you have a reasonable sibling and you think you want to talk to someone, by all means do that. But then again, you already have a therapist.

exactly Bro
Imagine going to tell those brutal brothers of hers and then one of them losses it and lands a slap
on the man's face.
God knows if it is me, the marriage ends that day... what nonsense

If she insists on telling her parents or siblings about what happened, then she should remember, that she can't
control how they will react to the situation, and what ever happens she would have herself to blame.

it is bad enough that the man cheated,
but to involve your family, now or in future would be a bad Idea.
if you believe that you can't deal with what he did, then divorce him

but for christ sakes leave your lovely extended family out of it
This is your challenge, face it, and hopefully you would come out stronger.

I agree with kobo, you are not a street child, you belong to a family. When things have calmed down and you have decided the way forward please tell your family, or at least your Mom, you brothers will not punch him. Family is family oh, forget, come what may, when push comes to shove na dem dey der. Nairalanders no know you. Let them know but let them know you have sorted it out and you dont need any violence but let them know

chaircover: But if its all calmed down and the husband and wife are beginning and making progress at building back their relationship then what exactly will mum bring to the table? We are mothers o! God forbid my daughter comes crying to me about something like this, I will be very upset and I will show it. I am sorry but my baby will always be my baby. Infact I am the last one she should tell and i like to believe that I am quire a reasonable person

I dont believe in any third party in any relationship. Marriage is for husband and wife only. Even the kids sef have their own boundaries. The man goofed big time by letting another person into his marriage but two wrongs dont make a right.

People have very long memories and even after you have kissed and made up, many will still bear grudges which will eventually lead to disrespect. The man did wrong; let his wife "beat" him any way she likes and I am sure there are so many ways to bell a cat, but let her do the "beating" and not her family.

My phone deleted my response to this.

chaircover: But if its all calmed down and the husband and wife are beginning and making progress at building back their relationship then what exactly will mum bring to the table? We are mothers o! God forbid my daughter comes crying to me about something like this, I will be very upset and I will show it. I am sorry but my baby will always be my baby. Infact I am the last one she should tell and i like to believe that I am quire a reasonable person

I dont believe in any third party in any relationship. Marriage is for husband and wife only. Even the kids sef have their own boundaries. The man goofed big time by letting another person into his marriage but two wrongs dont make a right.

People have very long memories and even after you have kissed and made up, many will still bear grudges which will eventually lead to disrespect. The man did wrong; let his wife "beat" him any way she likes and I am sure there are so many ways to bell a cat, but let her do the "beating" and not her family.

For pete's sake where is the thumbs up button.
you have spoken from a realistic point of view.

family most times only complicate matters, even when the issue has been resolved

Kingsleyinfo:
For pete's sake where is the thumbs up button.
you have spoken from a realistic point of view.

family most times only complicate matters, even when the issue has been resolved

Not always, OP is suffering severe emotional trauma, if she is strong enough to cope with it by herself, no problem, she may decide not to tell anybody. However, if she still needs someone that's a part of her life to talk to, there's hardly any other person more suitable than her mother.

I would love to think her mother has the wisdom to help OP relieve her burden. She should have experiences she can borrow from.

@CC, you will not have the same outlook to life as you have now by the time your children get married. No matter how hurt a mother is on behalf of her daughter with OP's story, she will know that the reason it hurts so bad is because the betrayal has come from her husband who she still loves despite all he has done.

It's a ugly position to be in but you just hope that her husband is seriously remorseful and understands the gravity of his offence.

maclatunji:

Not always, OP is suffering severe emotional trauma, if she is strong enough to cope with it by herself, no problem, she may decide not to tell anybody.

You know I can't believe half of the rubbish I read on this board. Now:
1. Why do the people on this board behave as if we are not talking about Nigeria? Is the lady hurt? Most likely, but in Naija this is no big deal. The prayer is that the man does not marry another wife. So why the cant and pretense??
2. The woman says her brothers will go "and beat the husband" really? In Naija or America? Please don't insult my intelligence.
3. If she cannot trust her husband anymore, she should pack out and see how fast the husband will replace her. Also the next man she has will not cheat abi?


Can we have some ADULT discussions please. All these whitemans fantasies only serve to discredit this board.

Oga Mac, Bless you for that response. We don't wish the OP any further hurt but if anything else happens, is it us on nairaland who will leave our homes and laptops and go and be with her?
Like Mac said when you get to the stage of your kids getting married your outlook will be different. Her mother I am sure may not confront the husband, but its good a family member knows. It was a whole year affair, not a fling. If tomorrow the lady who was left starts going crazy and does something to the poster or comes up with a pregn
ancy?
Its good her mother knows. Maybe not now, when the Poster is feeling comfy.

Johndoe100:

You know I can't believe half of the rubbish I read on this board. Now:
1. Why do the people on this board behave as if we are not talking about Nigeria? Is the lady hurt? Most likely, but in Naija this is no big deal. The prayer is that the man does not marry another wife. So why the cant and pretense??
2. The woman says her brothers will go "and beat the husband" really? In Naija or America? Please don't insult my intelligence.
3. If she cannot trust her husband anymore, she should pack out and see how fast the husband will replace her. Also the next man she has will not cheat abi?


Can we have some ADULT discussions please. All these whitemans fantasies only serve to discredit this board.

I understand what you're saying. However, I know from first hand experience in this our Naija that it isn't every woman that tolerates and takes cheating with docility. You should know that there are many ADULTS who have a problem with adultery just as there are many others who accept it.

The person in this case has been trying to cope with it since June and from all indications can live very comfortably without her husband. She is a strong woman yet she's finding it a tough challenge to cope with.

You sir, need to change your reality from the position that everybody is like you, that's a great fallacy that I am sure smart kids have figured-out talkless of you grandpa.

maclatunji:

I understand what you're saying. However, I know from first hand experience in this our Naija that it isn't every woman that tolerates and takes cheating with docility. You should know that there are many ADULTS who have a problem with adultery just as there are many others who accept it.

The person in this case has been trying to cope with it since June and from all indications can live very comfortably without her husband. She is a strong woman yet she's finding it a tough challenge to cope with.

You sir, need to change your reality from the position that everybody is like you, that's a great fallacy that I am sure smart kids have figured-out talkless of you grandpa.

Hahahaha, I do like you young boy. I am sure when you grow up and are responsible (as evidenced by your being married)you will make a fine man. Reread what I wrote, For those who can not stand their partners extra marital affairs they should leave the marriage. Even the Bible permits divorce for adultery. What is fake and very very tiresome is the "i am not leaving but woe is me". Haba when the person is not debrief. You will not understand, you are still single and have fantasies of what marriage is. Young boy try and learn from your elders. Being a mod on nairaland is not a sign of anything other than that your time is less valuable than most peoples.

Young boy please do enlighten me as to your definition of adultery as you are a Muslim. I have many Muslim pals that I grew up with and none has ever made the kind of pretentious and obviously fake comments you make here. You seem to be very Christian in your outlook. I am sorry boy if I probe I am just curious.


I look forward to reading your response boy.

@maclatunji

You know it just struck me that you may actually be ashamed of being Muslim. Does it make fitting in here impossible so you have to deny your faith and beliefs? Let us explore this together. A problem shared is a problem halved no?

Johndoe100:

Hahahaha, I do like you young boy. I am sure when you grow up and are responsible (as evidenced by your being married)you will make a fine man. Reread what I wrote, For those who can not stand their partners extra marital affairs they should leave the marriage. Even the Bible permits divorce for adultery. What is fake and very very tiresome is the "i am not leaving but woe is me". Haba when the person is not debrief. You will not understand, you are still single and have fantasies of what marriage is. Young boy try and learn from your elders. Being a mod on nairaland is not a sign of anything other than that your time is less valuable than most peoples.

Young boy please do enlighten me as to your definition of adultery as you are a Muslim. I have many Muslim pals that I grew up with and none has ever made the kind of pretentious and obviously fake comments you make here. You seem to be very Christian in your outlook. I am sorry boy if I probe I am just curious.


I look forward to reading your response boy.

Now, this is a more balanced post than your previous one. About my comments on this thread as a Muslim. Know ye sir that under Islamic law in an Islamic state, the penalty for having a MARRIED man admitting or caught having sex with a woman whom he is not married to is Death!

Yes, Islam permits a man to have up to 4 wives at the same time provided he can meet all of their needs without them lifting a finger and will do his utmost to treat them the same way at any point in time. This is practically impossible but he must try to achieve it at all times. Plus, he must not have sex with them until after the wedding which is a ceremony where her guardians, the both of you, at least 2 male witnesses and her bridal gift which is practically anything she requires of you, even the moon is presented to and accepted by her if she says yes to marrying you.

You see, I am even not applying Islamic rules here. That means the man's a goner. Lucky him? He is not in an Islamic State. Maybe, you can now understand why I should feel for the lady, her husband has done something really bad. She can only hope to limit the damage done.

As for your your friends, we keep saying it, Islamic rules are not always followed by many Muslims. Don't mistake some Muslims' actions for Islamic rules and stipulations.

Don't fall for it. . .Don't!!!!!!

Not that I think you can't spot it for what it is from a mile away ooh (Just like I know you know this is addressed to you without me having to mention any names and you know what I am talking about without me being explicit. Mehn! Isn't telepathy cool? It can only be achieved when two people are totally in sync like you and I are. . .hehehehe )

Anytotallyforeverhoo, I'm just throwing an extra CAUTION!!

coogar:

except that the husband didn't leave his kids when he was doing the deed - why should the woman leave?

yes, he left them emotionally! ever heard of cause and effect?

Johndoe100:

You know I can't believe half of the rubbish I read on this board. Now:
1. Why do the people on this board behave as if we are not talking about Nigeria? Is the lady hurt? Most likely, but in Naija this is no big deal. The prayer is that the man does not marry another wife. So why the cant and pretense??
2. The woman says her brothers will go "and beat the husband" really? In Naija or America? Please don't insult my intelligence.
3. If she cannot trust her husband anymore, she should pack out and see how fast the husband will replace her. Also the next man she has will not cheat abi?


Can we have some ADULT discussions please. All these whitemans fantasies only serve to discredit this board.

Nope this is not Nigeria.

Kingsleyinfo:

exactly Bro
Imagine going to tell those brutal brothers of hers and then one of them losses it and lands a slap
on the man's face.
God knows if it is me, the marriage ends that day... what nonsense

If she insists on telling her parents or siblings about what happened, then she should remember, that she can't
control how they will react to the situation, and what ever happens she would have herself to blame.

it is bad enough that the man cheated,
but to involve your family, now or in future would be a bad Idea.
if you believe that you can't deal with what he did, then divorce him

but for christ sakes leave your lovely extended family out of it
This is your challenge, face it, and hopefully you would come out stronger.

if i understand ur posts so far well, she shouldn't leave a hubby for cheatin BUT the husband can leave if his wife's brothers slap her. hmmm! wat a just judgement!

maclatunji:

Now, this is a more balanced post than your previous one. About my comments on this thread as a Muslim. Know ye sir that under Islamic law in an Islamic state, the penalty for having a MARRIED man admitting or caught having sex with a woman whom he is not married to is Death!

Yes, Islam permits a man to have up to 4 wives at the same time provided he can meet all of their needs without them lifting a finger and will do his utmost to treat them the same way at any point in time. This is practically impossible but he must try to achieve it at all times. Plus, he must not have sex with them until after the wedding which is a ceremony where her guardians, the both of you, at least 2 male witnesses and her bridal gift which is practically anything she requires of you, even the moon is presented to and accepted by her if she says yes to marrying you.

You see, I am even not applying Islamic rules here. That means the man's a goner. Lucky him? He is not in an Islamic State. Maybe, you can now understand why I should feel for the lady, her husband has done something really bad. She can only hope to limit the damage done.

As for your your friends, we keep saying it, Islamic rules are not always followed by many Muslims. Don't mistake some Muslims' actions for Islamic rules and stipulations.

Very good, but in the modern day setting the man and the woman (2cd, 3rd or 4th wife to be) find each other in the normal way and get to know each other. The examples I have are from different social strata. My friends have 2cd wives who are doctors, lawyers and teachers etc. Being a helpful and curious chap I do ask how the happy couple came to be. Surprisingly they meet in the normal way that men and women meet - at gatherings etc. While they are getting to know themselves better and deciding if they want to be a couple and live happily ever after, I would say they where at least courting no? Now boy, is courting not a relationship? Is that not adultery? You make the Islamic marriage sound very complicated boy, do you forget I am in Nigeria and not one of your foreign friends here on NL? My gateman has 3 wives and 10 children. Be honest with yourself, you have made many compromises to be able to post here among the Christians and remain acceptable. Boy, have you tried to enlighten any of these posters with the Islamic way of relating.

I was in your section the other day and I was impressed at the knowledge of your fellow Muslims on the Islamic way of life. I can't remember one post of yours here advocating that which you so obviously hold as being the truth and the right way to live. Or is Islam a part time thing for you? Boy, do not take this the wrong way, I am just a curious fellow.

Mayne you can explain and enlighten me on these. As my pals always tell me Islam requires one to submit totally to the will of Allah as expressed by his prophet Mohammad. I am sure I can dig up many passages of the Qur'an which cover this but you know I am right. So boy, why are you a semi Christian on the family board?

bukatyne: if i understand ur posts so far well, she shouldn't leave a hubby for cheatin BUT the husband can leave if his wife's brothers slap her. hmmm! wat a just judgement!

my dear obviously you didn't understand my posts weather far or near.....

go and read my last post again?
or maybe i should quote myself.

it is bad enough that the man cheated,
but to involve your family, now or in future would be a bad Idea.
if you believe that you can't deal with what he did, then divorce him

did you miss the above
i have bolded it so you won't miss it again

and this is where a lot of people have a problem.
always taking things personal, instead of being objective.

anyway, you are a woman, so its normal for your emotions to get the better of you when you reply to people's posts.


and if i may use your line of logic
is it okay for a man to go tell his parents, about what is going on in his home?
of course i know what your answer will be to that one

so marram, kindly read the full posts before you make emotion laden remarks.......

Johndoe100:

Very good, but in the modern day setting the man and the woman (2cd, 3rd or 4th wife to be) find each other in the normal way and get to know each other. The examples I have are from different social strata. My friends have 2cd wives who are doctors, lawyers and teachers etc. Being a helpful and curious chap I do ask how the happy couple came to be. Surprisingly they meet in the normal way that men and women meet - at gatherings etc. While they are getting to know themselves better and deciding if they want to be a couple and live happily ever after, I would say they where at least courting no? Now boy, is courting not a relationship? Is that not adultery? You make the Islamic marriage sound very complicated boy, do you forget I am in Nigeria and not one of your foreign friends here on NL? My gateman has 3 wives and 10 children. Be honest with yourself, you have made many compromises to be able to post here among the Christians and remain acceptable. Boy, have you tried to enlighten any of these posters with the Islamic way of relating.

I was in your section the other day and I was impressed at the knowledge of your fellow Muslims on the Islamic way of life. I can't remember one post of yours here advocating that which you so obviously hold as being the truth and the right way to live. Or is Islam a part time thing for you? Boy, do not take this the wrong way, I am just a curious fellow.

Mayne you can explain and enlighten me on these. As my pals always tell me Islam requires one to submit totally to the will of Allah as expressed by his prophet Mohammad. I am sure I can dig up many passages of the Qur'an which cover this but you know I am right. So boy, why are you a semi Christian on the family board?

There are universal topics that unite people irrespective of religion. Going by your logic, I would never have become Moderator there. We can continue this discussion here https://www.nairaland.com/Islam. Don't derail further.

#Silly

ekoboy:
You know there is no right answer here. Getting details of the affair is only going to make it hurt more.
You have to find a way of understanding that thats how men are and you feeling hurt is only because the society has made you see his behaviour as bad,thats why you are feeling cheated. Am sure if this was only fifty years ago, this conversation wouldn't have happened. You would see nothing unnatural about his behaviour. Unfortunately thats the make of men. No matter how the society wants to change men, they cannot really change. All that will happen is men either making concious effort to behave or making concious effort to hide their misbehaviour. I'll advise all women here that their husband have remained faithfully to appreciate them a little bit more. I tell you, it is with some effort.

That's not how men are but how HUMANS are. Please let's stop this shifting of blame to the guys all the time. Women dey the game too!
@Poster. Like I said, finding the reason for his act could help you with the next step. People do things, make decisions and take actions for a reason. Yours is no different. And as you said, he has given told you his reasons. That's where I believe you should continue with resolving the problem.

Kingsleyinfo:
my dear obviously you didn't understand my posts weather far or near.....

go and read my last post again?
or maybe i should quote myself.



did you miss the above
i have bolded it so you won't miss it again

and this is where a lot of people have a problem.
always taking things personal, instead of being objective.

anyway, you are a woman, so its normal for your emotions to get the better of you when you reply to people's posts.


and if i may use your line of logic
is it okay for a man to go tell his parents, about what is going on in his home?
of course i know what your answer will be to that one

so marram, kindly read the full posts before you make emotion laden remarks.......

and which emotion laden remark did i make? it gets under my skin when people tell me i do something b'cos i am a woman. i do things b'cos i'm bukatyne; i am me, an unique individual and not a number in the general collection of women. back to my post: i am not concerned if she tells her family or not; my concern is that you think cheating is forgiveable BUT been slapped is unforgiveable.

bukatyne: and which emotion laden remark did i make? it gets under my skin when people tell me i do something b'cos i am a woman. i do things b'cos i'm bukatyne; i am me, an unique individual and not a number in the general collection of women. back to my post: i am not concerned if she tells her family or not; my concern is that you think cheating is forgiveable BUT been slapped is unforgiveable.

madam

please go and read my post again,

i believe that the point i was and am still trying to make was about her inviting her family into the issue.
secondly, i categorically stated that if she could not deal with the situation, she should divorce him

thirdly, being slapped by my brother in-law because my wife went to report me to him is something i am not
willing to take, its like sending thugs to come beat me because i did something wrong
if she wants to hurt me that bad, let her do it herself....

that is how i feel and would react in such a scenario, read again "God knows if it is me" those were my words, meaning i was referring to myself

its painful when you have to make a comment and then have to explain it again, simply
because certain people can't reason beyond what they wanna see.

please read again and again and again untill you get my point, stop quoting me out of context.

I never said said anything is forgivable or unforgivable,

bukatyne: yes, he left them emotionally! ever heard of cause and effect?

he comes back home @ night to be with his family! i just don't see how people can equate a man cheating with a woman cheating. a man is different from a woman - i don't condone cheating in both sexes but infidelity in men is excusable - i cannot say the same for women!

coogar:

he comes back home @ night to be with his family! i just don't see how people can equate a man cheating with a woman cheating. a man is different from a woman - i don't condone cheating in both sexes but infidelity in men is excusable - i cannot say the same for women!

siddon there dey recite sharia law.
the guy is even lucky he's married to a nigerian. if to say na oyinbo, his azz will be looking for divorce lawyers already.

c.fours:


siddon there dey recite sharia law.
the guy is even lucky he's married to a nigerian. if to say na oyinbo, his azz will be looking for divorce lawyers already.

You talk am finish . . .na real sharia law these things dey recite!

Kobojunkie:
You talk am finish . . .na real sharia law these things dey recite!

They are things now?

maclatunji:

There are universal topics that unite people irrespective of religion. Going by your logic, I would never have become Moderator there. We can continue this discussion here https://www.nairaland.com/Islam. Don't derail further.

#Silly

My friend everyone calls you a fanatic Muslim, :

aryzgreat:
MACLATUNJI IS JUST A BOKO HARAM MOD! RELIGIOUS FANATIC! NOT WORTHY TO BE A MOD!

omiobo:
Very correct! Religious fanatic no be small.

Just in case you are still in doubt about what I mean, let me be clear, You are a wannabe. You want to be accepted by the women here because you feel inferior (you are but that's another story). No one is fooled. You are really just another NL clown, that is why you behave like Hitler on your board.

Please do everyone a favor and be your normal lousy self.

brasstech: A new member here and one who seek just one thing from this Nigerian social platform.

My name is Adeola, i am a Nigerian, a yoruba guy from Ogun state. I am 28 years of age, of moderate height and complexion. I am a graduate of Information Technology from an eastern University some few years back.
I reside and work in Lagos as an IT officer in an estate management company.

^^^posted on September 16th....Hmmmm....

Johndoe100:

My friend everyone calls you a fanatic Muslim, :





Just in case you are still in doubt about what I mean, let me be clear, You are a wannabe. You want to be accepted by the women here because you feel inferior (you are but that's another story). No one is fooled. You are really just another NL clown, that is why you behave like Hitler on your board.

Please do everyone a favor and be your normal lousy self.

LMFSO! Awwwwww, Johndoe so much research on moi. For someone who is "all-so-busy" you have taken a disproportionately huge amount of your time to try to get to me. One question: Why are you so upset?

Oh yeah! You've got me all figured-out. The Nairaland.com/family err... ladies acceptance is all I live for. That's why I agree with them all the time and give them headaches so much that they dash to Wikipedia to try to learn how to figure me out.

Poor you, your one-dimensional self can only think in one way. Keep-up the research, I would have morphed again by the time you're done with Maclatunji 1.0. Talk about never-ending research.

coogar:

he comes back home @ night to be with his family! i just don't see how people can equate a man cheating with a woman cheating. a man is different from a woman - i don't condone cheating in both sexes but infidelity in men is excusable - i cannot say the same for women!

he comes back home every night! interesting! so wat is the difference between a woman cheating and a man cheating?