debrief08:
Just last week someone came here to run her friends wife down, did we not collectively tell hee it was wrong? Did some of the cabal hunters not even accuse us on being too harsh on our fellow woman? Did some of you not even get called names because you refused to join in and support another woman? Did somebody not say that if it was a man we would have supported?
Truth is that some people have their minds made up, Guiterlife, I took my time to answer your questions, I even further explained and defended My Exes personality when you inferred that he was demon possesed. So really what is the blame thing about? Classic abuser sign is always looking to shift blames, you started with maybe I was a nag, I wasnt, now I am slow, Well this is a list of my crimes as stated then:
1. I couldnt give him a child
2. I laughed too much
3. I refused to quit my Job
4. I confided in my father too much
5. I made him out to look bad by not getting aggressive and always swallowing poo.
Gulity as charged, I am who I am, because a scorpion stings me it will not turn me to a scorpion, whatever anyone does to me, I remain true to who I am, I try to control my emotions and will not become what anyone wants me to be.
I can say i have been cursed so much on this site but I hardly respond with curses, if that makes me slow in your eyes then let me be slow. I speak when I have a point but when it gets insultive I respond respectfully or keep quiet.
I made a good decision, stand by it and defend it, infact encourage others to do the same, I dont have to defend myself to someone who has not figured himself out and gets off from being judgmental and vindictive.

I never said you were slow. Please re-read the post you obviously missed the point I was trying to make. Thanks.

ileobatojo:

Honestly, selective reading is really their problem. From early on in the thread, the discussion naturally progressed to possible signs noted before marriage and people here are trying to claim they are bringing balance? There is no novel view point they have brought that was not inherent in the discussions before, so please, we are not impressed. Mr guitarlife has spent the thread trying to apportion blame to the woman for choosing to marry the man but has refused to address the issues of people in currently abusive marriages. What exactly is his message? Because you made the wrong choice and possibly ignored signs you should surrender yourself to a life of beatings and early death? Where is the balance in his posts?

Ofcourse the experienced marriage counsellors in the house have vetted divorce as the only way out for married peeps. Need I say more ? Or what exactly have they being harping on ? I'd be overflogging an issue already decided. My input could only be useful on an issue nobody has addressed.

@freecocoa

I used to be very temperamental and during courtship which lasted only a few months, I told my husband who was a boyfriend then that my weakest point was my temper. He told me he could live with that and I laughed that day and said to myself ...this guy never see anything yet".

I have said it many times on this forum that my husband during the first year of my marriage, taught me how to walk away if I felt my anger gradually rising. He told me it was okay to walk away than Stay there and run my mouth like tap. I did that for months until one day I went back to him and said "you know what, I wanna talk, I don't wanna walk away anymore" and he smiled, he told me he had been waiting for me to get to that stage. When his family told him to tell them about me, he told them I was the kind of woman he knew could stand up for her self even in his absence.

He has told me many times that he does not want me to lose my "tiger" spirit but just wanted me to learn to control my emotions if need be. It was a risk he took and it paid off in the end. Can you take that chance with your bf? A man that has hit a woman will most likely do it again. Can you work with him to learn to control his anger issues? The part that scare the shit out of me was him holding you down? It's okay if he did it to protect himself from you hitting him or throwing the bed side lamp on him, but it is not okay for him to just hold you down because of something very minor.


Think with your head and not heart, marriage is not a joke.

Guitarlife: Ofcourse the experienced marriage counsellors in the house have vetted divorce as the only way out for married peeps. Need I say more ? Or what exactly have they being harping on ? I'd be overflogging an issue already decided. My input could only be useful on an issue nobody has addressed.

Please, oblige us and give us your advice for people in physically abusive marriages. I am quite interested to hear.

freecocoa: Thank you Pak for your contribution but the truth is that my boyfriend has anger issues and he knows that.
My response to what he said about me pushing him was because I didn't see any need for those words especially since what led to them were not that serious as he didn't even want to listen or believe the explanation I was giving at the time, I told him he wouldn't do anything cos there was no need to, I'm not trying to justify what I said or anything but I know him, in as much as he doesn't like getting angry, he takes things too serious and he wants me to practically choose whatever I say to him carefully which I already told him is not possible and he's coming to accept that.
I tried to walk out cos the argument was taking a toll I didn't like and if I stayed and continued talking he would have definitely gotten angrier cos I'm not one to keep quiet and swallow all what's being said without trying to defend myself, its not as if he hasn't walked out when on me before, why should me walking out be an insult and his not?
I'm not an angel but I know I'm not that bad either.

Nah, forget about the good or bad issue. You're not a bad person (not from what I saw in that pix - Ok, I digress again).
However, life is not in absolutes. We all come in different shades. Just as much I don't believe ppl have to change themselves to accommodate others in their life, The truth is there has to be a bit of giving on both sides.
If he actually uttered those words you mentioned, then you have to admit he must have been truly hurt and felt you were pushing him beyond limit. You have to respect that.

I had a classmate, I lived close to and related with closely at some point. I remembered a day I cracked a joke about him and the guy went to great lengths to explain himself while I was just initially taking things lightly. I realized that about him and was more understanding in relating with him. He is a great guy, very reserved and friendly in his own way. He's married now and I expect his wife to take him for who he is.

Depending on what you were talking about, It must have been light to you but God knows why He took it serious. And those words you quoted pointed at something eaten him from inside.
Am a man, and for a man to say such, He must have felt you were playing on him and your response didn't try to abate issues.


On the second issue, if that was the context, then I guess it might have been a wise step anyway but I wish we can always do such without coming out as being rude or disrespectful.


Thanks for the response, I appreciate the clarifications

debrief08:
Just last week someone came here to run her friends wife down, did we not collectively tell hee it was wrong? Did some of the cabal hunters not even accuse us on being too harsh on our fellow woman? Did some of you not even get called names because you refused to join in and support another woman? Did somebody not say that if it was a man we would have supported?
Truth is that some people have their minds made up, Guiterlife, I took my time to answer your questions, I even further explained and defended My Exes personality when you inferred that he was demon possesed. So really what is the blame thing about? Classic abuser sign is always looking to shift blames, you started with maybe I was a nag, I wasnt, now I am slow, Well this is a list of my crimes as stated then:
1. I couldnt give him a child
2. I laughed too much
3. I refused to quit my Job
4. I confided in my father too much
5. I made him out to look bad by not getting aggressive and always swallowing poo.
Gulity as charged, I am who I am, because a scorpion stings me it will not turn me to a scorpion, whatever anyone does to me, I remain true to who I am, I try to control my emotions and will not become what anyone wants me to be.
I can say i have been cursed so much on this site but I hardly respond with curses, if that makes me slow in your eyes then let me be slow. I speak when I have a point but when it gets insultive I respond respectfully or keep quiet.
I made a good decision, stand by it and defend it, infact encourage others to do the same, I dont have to defend myself to someone who has not figured himself out and gets off from being judgmental and vindictive.

Isn't that why a well known woman on this forum hates me cos she just cannot understand how a woman would be so harsh on her fellow women ?

ileobatojo:

Honestly, selective reading is really their problem. From early on in the thread, the discussion naturally progressed to possible signs noted before marriage and people here are trying to claim they are bringing balance? There is no novel view point they have brought that was not inherent in the discussions before, so please, we are not impressed. Mr guitarlife has spent the thread trying to apportion blame to the woman for choosing to marry the man but has refused to address the issues of people in currently abusive marriages. What exactly is his message? Because you made the wrong choice and possibly ignored signs you should surrender yourself to a life of beatings and early death? Where is the balance in his posts?

When their minds are made up, there is nothing you say that will change it. Still wouldn't stop me anyways

ileobatojo:

Please, oblige us and give us your advice for people in physically abusive marriages. I am quite interested to hear.

Do you concede that the only gospel jenny and her friends have been preaching to married peeps is divorce ? I have assidously sniffed through this thread but I am yet to find any other suggestion for married people than divorce.
Does this revelation not disturb you? If you disagree kindly quote any other remeby they have advocated here than divorce.

ileobatojo:

I have to disagree with this. Based on what she posted, you do not have enough evidence to say she was being emotionally abusive. What is emotional abuse to you? Arguing with a man?

I wish I could just let this lie since freecocoa has clarified things but since you mentioned it. I'll say that whatever you do to someone you love that will make him say this

he was almost crying while saying there's a place he doesn't like going and it seems like I'm doing my best to make him go to that place, I was like shioor what is he even saying? He kept saying "Desire stop trying to push me I don't like it, you keep pushing, why are you so stubborn"? And I was like "Tah you won't do anything cheesy", he just left the house sha.

Means you'r pushing a button that you'r not supposed to push. And clearly , clearly is emotions are being touched in a way that he doesn't find comfortable. Men are not as expressive as women. And the earlier we appreciate the differences the better.


Sighs and thinks to himself - see me here arguing with women, I know I surely can't get far with this

Guitarlife: Do you concede that the only gospel jenny and her friends have been preaching to married peeps is divorce ? I have assidously sniffed through this thread but I am yet to find any other suggestion for married people than divorce.
Does this revelation not disturb you? If you disagree kindly quote any other remeby they have advocated here than divorce.

I concede no such thing. Can you find and quote me a post where this assertion was made that the ONLY choice is divorce?

pak:
Sighs and thinks to himself - see me here arguing with women, I know I surely can't get far with this

ileobatojo:

I concede no such thing. Can you find and quote me a post where this assertion was made that the ONLY choice is divorce?

Damn I furking love you right now

Shollypopz:

Potential abuser jk

Shollypopz:
pak:
Sighs and thinks to himself - see me here arguing with women, I know I surely can't get far with this

I thought it was obvious that was supposed to be on a lighter mood ?

Second time, sis second time

ileobatojo:

I concede no such thing. Can you find and quote me a post where this assertion was made that the ONLY choice is divorce?

I was the first to throw the challenge kindly oblige me thanks.

jennykadry:

Damn I furking love you right now

Common stop that. What the heck ? One minute, you're bashing men (joke joke joke), the next, you're furking loving women.


One more on this thread, I have to furking leave. Was that your intention for startin this in the first place

pak:



I thought it was obvious that was supposed to be on a lighter mood ?

Second time, sis second time

There's a truth in every joke........Can't rmbr a first time

Shollypopz:

There's a truth in every joke........Can't rmbr a first time

Sure you won't ,

Can you remember a thread about names that we love or something like that.
Today own even better small. You had already thrown one or two insults in the bag before the backing off

pak:



Sure you won't ,

Can you remember a thread about names that we love or something like that.
Today own even better small. You had already thrown one or two insults in the bag before the backing off

of course I rmbr, that's why I contemplated replying u @ first.......

I don't insult ppl, I just highlight what I think doesn't mk sense, E.O.D!

jennykadry: @freecocoa

I used to be very temperamental and during courtship which lasted only a few months, I told my husband who was a boyfriend then that my weakest point was my temper. He told me he could live with that and I laughed that day and said to myself ...this guy never see anything yet".

I have said it many times on this forum that my husband during the first year of my marriage, taught me how to walk away if I felt my anger gradually rising. He told me it was okay to walk away than Stay there and run my mouth like tap. I did that for months until one day I went back to him and said "you know what, I wanna talk, I don't wanna walk away anymore" and he smiled, he told me he had been waiting for me to get to that stage. When his family told him to tell them about me, he told them I was the kind of woman he knew could stand up for her self even in his absence.

He has told me many times that he does not want me to lose my "tiger" spirit but just wanted me to learn to control my emotions if need be. It was a risk he took and it paid off in the end. Can you take that chance with your bf? A man that has hit a woman will most likely do it again. Can you work with him to learn to control his anger issues? The part that scare the shit out of me was him holding you down? It's okay if he did it to protect himself from you hitting him or throwing the bed side lamp on him, but it is not okay for him to just hold you down because of something very minor.


Think with your head and not heart, marriage is not a joke.

I'm willing to work with him and I honestly hope that we conquer the issue, I know that na onu ojo mu dikwa too much but I know when to stop, thanks for the advice.

pak:


Nah, forget about the good or bad issue. You're not a bad person (not from what I saw in that pix - Ok, I digress again).
However, life is not in absolutes. We all come in different shades. Just as much I don't believe ppl have to change themselves to accommodate others in their life, The truth is there has to be a bit of giving on both sides.
If he actually uttered those words you mentioned, then you have to admit he must have been truly hurt and felt you were pushing him beyond limit. You have to respect that.

I had a classmate, I lived close to and related with closely at some point. I remembered a day I cracked a joke about him and the guy went to great lengths to explain himself while I was just initially taking things lightly. I realized that about him and was more understanding in relating with him. He is a great guy, very reserved and friendly in his own way. He's married now and I expect his wife to take him for who he is.

Depending on what you were talking about, It must have been light to you but God knows why He took it serious. And those words you quoted pointed at something eaten him from inside.
Am a man, and for a man to say such, He must have felt you were playing on him and your response didn't try to abate issues.


On the second issue, if that was the context, then I guess it might have been a wise step anyway but I wish we can always do such without coming out as being rude or disrespectful.


Thanks for the response, I appreciate the clarifications

Thanks again, point noted.

Guitarlife: I was the first to throw the challenge kindly oblige me thanks.

No sir. The burden of proof is on you since you are the one who has made a claim that only divorce has been recommended.


*Can't believe I'm engaging this guy. Where's Debrief to come and repay me in kind for e-flogging her earlier*

debrief08:
My Husband is an older version of you, extremely rational.
I am amazed the way he rationally handles issues around my ex, very rational, no sentiments. I ask him sometimes if he doesnt get jealous and he said "why"? There is no point, you are with me, and I doubt I will ever make you unhappy enough to stray.

Chi'm oooo, do such men exist?? I have NEVER met any man like this. NEVER

Btw Pak I see you still don't get it, okay let me help, you annoyed your girlfriend and the issue was unresolved till the next day, she brought it up and you said "sorry" very nonchalantly, she went on to say you should say the sorry like you mean it and your face suddenly starts to swell up, instead of just smiling and saying something like baby I mean it na, you ignore her and continue doing what you were doing, she takes your game pad and you ask for it back and she says she will only give it back if you tender a proper apology and you said she only wants you to get angry and she says "get angry na, any small thing you will want to make a mountain out of a molehill" the next thing you do is walk away.
After a while she comes to meet you with the pad obviously cos she was tired of it and probably missing you, instead of letting it go you start saying stuffs about how she's too stubborn bla bla bla and the next is that phrase.
How is the above scenario enough to make one that angry?
From the above isn't it obvious the girl just wants a little petting instead of a fight?

ileobatojo:

I tire o? Sometimes, in an argument it is better to walk away than to stay and be tempted to say the things that are coming into your head in the heat of an argument.

If the heated argument is an abusive one (whether physical or not as efemena puts it). Then what were you doing there in the first place. No point in arguing with someone who has lost his head when you've also probably lost yours.
And if its not abusive or violent, then why not sit down and trash the issue out since it wont just disappear on its own. And if for any reason you can't continue - exhaustion e.t.c. politely excuse yourself. No need to 'walk out on someone'.

ileobatojo:
This is where understanding and compatibility comes in. Even if you have been brought up to think that walking out is the ultimate sin, you should know that not everybody has the same upbringing.

No I was just brought up to understand that being disrespectful to your spouse is just not one of the best ways of having a long and successful marriage and I expect others to understand same.

ileobatojo:
Instead of pinning the woman down, he should have let her go and then later they can have a serious discussion about their thoughts on how to resolve conflicts and see if they are ready to achieve a compromise or at least understand where the other is coming from. Walking away is even recommended by experts as a tool to defuse very tense situations so how it can amount to emotional abuse is something I find fantastic.

Well, I am tempted assume either you'r not african (or don't stay in Africa), you're not married or does not or choose not to understand men.
One, I never explicitly said walking out on a man IS emotional abuse (as you and shollypopz have sarcastically been trying to put it) check out my original post. I used the phrase 'close as possible to the ultimate sin' which if you had bothered was just a figurative way of saying I feel it is something very very bad (what the heck is the ultimate sin anyway ?)
Though I believe IT CAN BE depending on the context i.e. a man loses his job, while the wife works, an argument occurs and the woman suddenly walks out on him. He's bound to see things beyond what you are saying . . . .but then lets not get too far beyond the story at hand.


However, Can you walk out on your BOSS at work, whether to diffuse tension or not ? So why give your husband the wrong end of the stick

With due apologies, all these talk of I have a temper, I can't stand this , I have to say bla . . . I sometimes don't just get.
I was brought up to understand the woman as the homemaker. Am not a chauvinist but I do not believe in the feminist propaganda of equality and stuff. In marriage, I don't think the issue of equality arises, its not about one gender being superior to the other but the fact that there are two different genders and striving for equality is a competition that is meaningless and leads to nowhere.

At the risk of sounding churchy, the good book says a 'virtuous woman builds her home. . . .'.
If we do not offer a balance point at some point, it becomes a 'don't take no mess , just jump off thread'

At the end of the day, its your life, its your marriage. And you have a responsibility to do the best you can to make it work and while pointing a finger at the other partner, always remember that the four remaining one points back to you.

As I said earlier more often than not, there are no absolutes in life. The truth is always somewhere in between.

@ Pak. This type of epistle you typed is not consistent with your 'joke' that you don't want to argue with a woman. I deliberately did not answer you anymore because of that because I believed you were not interested in going back and forth about the issue. I also, apparently wrongly, believed that you understood what I was trying to say. So just imagine my shock at seeing this kind of long story on top of a simple matter. My point simply was; at the time you made your post about emotional abuse, you simply did not have enough evidence to make that claim since you didn't know what happened.

Anyway, sha while you were typing your epistle, Freecocoa herself has provided you with the evidence you need. Her taking away his gamepad just to get him to apologize was crossing the line and driving the argument straight into the pits of potential physical aggression. Even if he did not beat her, he could have forcefully come to grab the gamepad from her and God knows where it could have all gone from there.

pak:

With due apologies, all these talk of I have a temper, I can't stand this , I have to say bla . . . I sometimes don't just get.
I was brought up to understand the woman as the homemaker. Am not a chauvinist but I do not believe in the feminist propaganda of equality and stuff. In marriage, I don't think the issue of equality arises, its not about one gender being superior to the other but the fact that there are two different genders and striving for equality is a competition that is meaningless and leads to nowhere.

Thanks for exposing yourself though.

Freecocoa, that was childish of you. If you want attention, ask for it and not throw childish tantrums.
Why will you sieze his gamepad? You could as well have gone to pet him and he will let go of the game pad and give you more of an apology.
I have said it, don't dare people, you started it, don't do that again, you started a fight and when you had his attention decided to walk away. You self should grow up.
As much as he needs work, you need work too.
Don't ever seize anything from him, don't dare him, don't throw tantrums, say what you want and be calm and mature. Two people build a relationship.
Don't use nollywood logic on your relationship. I hope you apologised to him after that

freecocoa: Btw Pak I see you still don't get it, okay let me help, you annoyed your girlfriend and the issue was unresolved till the next day, she brought it up and you said "sorry" very nonchalantly, she went on to say you should say the sorry like you mean it and your face suddenly starts to swell up, instead of just smiling and saying something like baby I mean it na, you ignore her and continue doing what you were doing, she takes your game pad and you ask for it back and she says she will only give it back if you tender a proper apology and you said she only wants you to get angry and she says "get angry na, any small thing you will want to make a mountain out of a molehill" the next thing you do is walk away.
After a while she comes to meet you with the pad obviously cos she was tired of it and probably missing you, instead of letting it go you start saying stuffs about how she's too stubborn bla bla bla and the next is that phrase.
How is the above scenario enough to make one that angry?
From the above isn't it obvious the girl just wants a little petting instead of a fight?

I like your personality (and I mean nothing mischievous here). You seem very open - a very good trait anyday.

Back to your story, I love to be frank to a fault - I'll rather keep quiet than pander to anybody. Just take this as my very sincere opinions.

First, thing you'll admit that one, we don't have the privilege of hearing his own angle to the issue. Am not for a moment suggesting you might be lying or twisting things. its just that its possible for two people to see the same thing from diametrically opposite perspectives.

I tend more to sway on the side of those that I feel have least defence. My principle is, if I can defend you behind your back, then I can defend you anywhere and 2. if I can tell you your faults to your face, then you've found a friend indeed.

This guy is not here and I dont know him, So I'll rely on conjectures (and a bit of drama) to give a possible glance to his own angle of things.

Here is his likely story -


I got into an argument with my girlfriend and the next day she brought up the issue again. Because I really loved this girl, I decided not to argue and said sorry. Then she started telling me I had not apologised enough/I have to keep apologizing. I was already getting pissed, so I just ignored her and started working on my Computer (intentionally made the switch, I have never understood game freaks and their addiction - this comes closer to home for me). Then She suddenly snatches my computer, while I was working - No girl had ever done that to me - I was initially shocked and calmly asked her to hand it back to me. She said I had to tender a proper apology before handing it back, - I was like whaat ?? by now I was almost boiling and made her realise how angry I was but she just said something like "get angry na, any small thing you will want to make a mountain out of a molehill". The most painful part was that she knew how angry I was and she didn't stop. I felt so pained, it was as if she was just trying to make me react in a way I will regret. So I mustered all my strength and just walked away. She finally came back with the laptop and . . . . . . . . .


You see freecocoa, Its not about saying you did something wrong, am just saying that it might help to see things from his side.

For someone to already start recommending therapy because of an illustration that we've not yet had its full picture seems one sided and far fetched. Sort of defeats what I initially felt was the objective of the thread and gives a bit of credence to those attacking the thread.

and if you were to look at things objectively and fairly, then you'll realise that you actually didn't cover yourself in glory all thru. The issue of working on him won't work - Its more of both of you needing to work on each other (and that's the case 99% percent of the time). I guess you guys are just two wonderful people, that a bit of pruning will make more beautiful. Ignore the naysayers and enjoy your relationship with common sense.

And by the way, its been said in books, movies , newspapers songs . . . . .
Men are not mind readers, A colleague of mine said, a man's heart just has one compartment, while a woman's has 12. Our ability to read minds and moods is 1/12 of a woman. So the next time you need heavy petting . . . .


On a jocular note, I've learnt what to do the next time my wife seizes my gamepad, phone , shoe . . . .

@freecocoa
Very wrong. That's what nollywood wives do, they seize the car keys, cell phone etc. Stop it. If you have to seize things to get his attention, then something is not right.

I remember telling a girl off who complained that her bf is not romantic because he does not engage her in MTN free night call. I asked her if she was a witch that did not sleep at night cos I could not understand why she expected a man who worked all day to wake up at 12 midnight to chat. Infact I knew she was jobless herself cos if she had a job she had to go to in the morning, she won't be chatting sh1t about free midnight calls.

Women need to stop reading mills and boons and watching nollywood movies

By the way

pak:

However, Can you walk out on your BOSS at work, whether to diffuse tension or not ? So why give your husband the wrong end of the stick

I can and I have. And I wasn't trying to defuse any tension, she was simply chatting pure shyte!

@pak

I have walked my boss out of my office before.

I have walked out on my boss on several occasion

debrief08: Freecocoa, that was childish of you. If you want attention, ask for it and not throw childish tantrums.
Why will you sieze his gamepad? You could as well have gone to pet him and he will let go of the game pad and give you more of an apology.
I have said it, don't dare people, you started it, don't do that again, you started a fight and when you had his attention decided to walk away. You self should grow up.
As much as he needs work, you need work too.
Don't ever seize anything from him, don't dare him, don't throw tantrums, say what you want and be calm and mature. Two people build a relationship.
Don't use nollywood logic on your relationship. I hope you apologised to him after that

Aunty you are right, I may have started what led to the fight that day but it wasn't my intentions honestly, I just felt he should be able to know all I wanted was attention instead of him getting overly angry.
But the thing is I honestly did apologize when I realized he didn't take it as lightly as I did, you know where the problem lies? He didn't accept the apology that day, I came to meet him more than 5 times to tell him sorry but 4 out of the 5 times were met with walking out or saying " I don't want to talk" who is being more immature here?
I'm not saying I am without fault, I'm only concerned cos when you offend someone and genuinely apologize, the person should be able to forgive not stretching the matter beyond limit.