cotton101: i have been told to ignore so now i just dey sit down dey look

girl about town? well it takes one to know one - as u dey try and point one finger at me 4 are pointing back at you, like WTF oooooooooooooo o just dey sit down they look and source red paint on ebay for my shoes me and debrief have a parry next yr to attend

Cotton those questions were not directed at u. If u read my post after that I apologised if u tot it was directed at u. N honestly u need to stop being defensive cos to make a decision like u did u need a very tough skin after that.we can pretend our society is not judgemental but sometimes after a divorce even family tend to judge.

I fully respect Debrief n u cos I felt u told ur stories to help educate women on abuse.n make em understand better d mind of abusers etc. If that's d reason then like good students we should be able to ask questions to enable us understand better.

Lemme now ask u a question r there some things u think u should ve done differently in ur previous marriage to avoid ending up in an abusive marriage?R there things u could ve done differently to save ur marriage?if any ve u addressed them before embarkin on another marriage. Godforbid wat happens if the new hubby hits u?

Ok before u guys all come runnin to insult me I am only askin to educate myself n others to helP avoid divorce,understand men,knw went to say u ve had enough etc. N if u say this is not the thread for it then tell me is it better to only give d guide to getting divorce n survival tactic after wards. When u can also help them avoid violence n divorce.if some fundamental factors r not addressed will a womAn end up wit 7 husbands before she finds Mr right?

Lemme also state again that I DO NOT EXCUSE or JUSTIFY ABUSE but I ask questions so as to understand cos for every problem there is a ROOT cause which must be addressed before a solution can come n as married women we owe it to d singles to help em understand such issues not just giving em a manual on divorce.

Airpure:

Cotton those questions were not directed at u. If u read my post after that I apologised if u tot it was directed at u. N honestly u need to stop being defensive cos to make a decision like u did u need a very tough skin after that.we can pretend our society is not judgemental but sometimes after a divorce even family tend to judge.

I fully respect Debrief n u cos I felt u told ur stories to help educate women on abuse.n make em understand better d mind of abusers etc. If that's d reason then like good students we should be able to ask questions to enable us understand better.

Lemme now ask u a question r there some things u think u should ve done differently in ur previous marriage to avoid ending up in an abusive marriage?R there things u could ve done differently to save ur marriage?if any ve u addressed them before embarkin on another marriage. Godforbid wat happens if the new hubby hits u?

Ok before u guys all come runnin to insult me I am only askin to educate myself n others to helP avoid divorce,understand men,knw went to say u ve had enough etc. N if u say this is not the thread for it then tell me is it better to only give d guide to getting divorce n survival tactic after wards. When u can also help them avoid violence n divorce.if some fundamental factors r not addressed will a womAn end up wit 7 husbands before she finds Mr right?

Lemme also state again that I DO NOT EXCUSE or JUSTIFY ABUSE but I ask questions so as to understand cos for every problem there is a ROOT cause which must be addressed before a solution can come n as married women we owe it to d singles to help em understand such issues not just giving em a manual on divorce.

Please leave Cotton alone. You come here saying you dont justify or tolerate abuse yet ask someone what she could have done to save her marriage, meaning she must have failed in some way. Leave her alone please, If you need answers read through the whole thread but leave her alone.
So what if our society is Judgmental? SO you too must join in and Judge? Leave her alone please. You are telling her not to be defensive yet you are putting her on the spot.
She didnt do enough to "save" her marriage fine get over it, while you are at it, drag Titi from her grave and give her a medal for bravery, afterall she fought to the end to "save" her marriage and got rewarded with 76 stab wounds, there are several women "saving" their marriages, go and ask them, Leave cotton abeg. I hardly get angry but your last post is so not nice.
Stop lying, none of those questions were aimed at learning anything.
Addressed what? How should anyone be responsible for the decisions of another adult to the point of "addressing" someone elses wrong choices? What kind of wicked person are you? "god forbid if the new husband hits you" seriously?
There is no question you asked here that has not been answered, stop it seriously, Stop.

^^ That's because the sadistic b*i*t*c*h can't help twisting the knife in the wound.

Evil witch.

Airpure:

Cotton those questions were not directed at u. If u read my post after that I apologised if u tot it was directed at u. N honestly u need to stop being defensive cos to make a decision like u did u need a very tough skin after that.we can pretend our society is not judgemental but sometimes after a divorce even family tend to judge.

I fully respect Debrief n u cos I felt u told ur stories to help educate women on abuse.n make em understand better d mind of abusers etc. If that's d reason then like good students we should be able to ask questions to enable us understand better.

Lemme now ask u a question r there some things u think u should ve done differently in ur previous marriage to avoid ending up in an abusive marriage?R there things u could ve done differently to save ur marriage?if any ve u addressed them before embarkin on another marriage. Godforbid wat happens if the new hubby hits u?

Ok before u guys all come runnin to insult me I am only askin to educate myself n others to helP avoid divorce,understand men,knw went to say u ve had enough etc. N if u say this is not the thread for it then tell me is it better to only give d guide to getting divorce n survival tactic after wards. When u can also help them avoid violence n divorce.if some fundamental factors r not addressed will a womAn end up wit 7 husbands before she finds Mr right?

Lemme also state again that I DO NOT EXCUSE or JUSTIFY ABUSE but I ask questions so as to understand cos for every problem there is a ROOT cause which must be addressed before a solution can come n as married women we owe it to d singles to help em understand such issues not just giving em a manual on divorce.

I can tell you what the root cause is . . . . She married a sadistic psychopath (Sorry Cotton).

You see there's something about these kind of people, no matter what you do, it can NEVER be good enough. There's no way to 'avoid' being abused by them because it's something they will always do. They can't help it cos that is who they are!

These people (men/women) need help and if only our society can accept it, the fist step to changing will begin.

What could turn someone into an abuser? I really don't know. It could be a lot of things like . . . unresolved childhood issues; learning from their parent; or plain mental instability!

But the women (or men) who find themselves married to these people are not to be blamed in any way!

You accepted your husband hitting you because you 'caused' it, I say you are only living in denial! Your husband needs help. Pretending all is well is not going to help him.

Efemena_xy: ^^ That's because the sadistic b*i*t*c*h can't help twisting the knife in the wound.

Evil witch.

Good Morning Efe dear. So u are at it again wit the Abuse.

I can only imagine d kind of person u r. Obviously wit an inferior complex n Very Rude.can also imagine u don't ve a lot of friends cos of ur communication defect.if debrief can communicate her long post without insult then u can.

I WILL IGNORE U. Till u learn a civil and matured way to communicate.

debrief08:
Please leave Cotton alone. You come here saying you dont justify or tolerate abuse yet ask someone what she could have done to save her marriage, meaning she must have failed in some way. Leave her alone please, If you need answers read through the whole thread but leave her alone.
So what if our society is Judgmental? SO you too must join in and Judge? Leave her alone please. You are telling her not to be defensive yet you are putting her on the spot.
She didnt do enough to "save" her marriage fine get over it, while you are at it, drag Titi from her grave and give her a medal for bravery, afterall she fought to the end to "save" her marriage and got rewarded with 76 stab wounds, there are several women "saving" their marriages, go and ask them, Leave cotton abeg. I hardly get angry but your last post is so not nice.
Stop lying, none of those questions were aimed at learning anything.
Addressed what? How should anyone be responsible for the decisions of another adult to the point of "addressing" someone elses wrong choices? What kind of wicked person are you? "god forbid if the new husband hits you" seriously?
There is no question you asked here that has not been answered, stop it seriously, Stop.

Ok let's for a second put aside the way my question rubs in a wrong way r u saying there is no sense in my question?if ur answer is NO then I bow out of this thread wit d knowledge that its a Divorce Manual for only people seeking divorce. Not those seekin to understand n avoid abuse n divorce

So I call on all singles to walk on by. If they don't want to go into marriage with a plan B in mind.

Madam Airpure walahi I don't want to add insult to injury, at this point I think you should give it up and apologise. People are rightly offended but what you seem to be doing is just "kicking a dog while it is down". What do you gain from this campaign? Some erotic pleasure? So you caused your own abuse means others caused theirs.so tell us, why did your husband slap you? Did he discover you were a girl about town, you trapped him with juju/pregnancy or what? By the way, your type of woman is very dangerous. I fear for your mentality should you be in an abused persons life or their emergency contact. My dear you say you are quick to say sorry to your husband, but find it hard to accept that you are completely wrong. Means your previously stated claim is just a way to totally keep in your husbands good books because you are afraid. If you have personal issues, go ahead and discuss it. Stop transferring hurt and aggression.

Airpure:

Ok let's for a second put aside the way my question rubs in a wrong way r u saying there is no sense in my question?if ur answer is NO then I bow out of this thread wit d knowledge that its a Divorce Manual for only people seeking divorce. Not those seekin to understand n avoid abuse n divorce

So I call on all singles to walk on by. If they don't want to go into marriage with a plan B in mind.

Against my better Judgement I will answer you once.
What could I have done to save my marriage that i didnt do? Nothing, short of dying, I took the blames for shortcomings, failures, was publicly ridiculed, never responded, attempted to fight back once, worse mistake, everything he asked me to stop I did except my Job and My dad.
What did I do differently in my current marriage? Apart from developing esteem, with the help of my husband nothing, i am still the obedient, and loving woman I was.
What can you do to avoid abuse or being with an abuser? If you are lucky to see red flags then dont manage especially if the abuser is not willing to work on his/ her short comings. In a lot of cases especially with church people, abusive behavior is well covered, there is so much pretense, when it manifest after marriage it is excused on demonic influences, i have seen people blame their househelps as being responsible for possessing an abused spouse.
How to avoid bad marriages, start from your home, train the boys well, train the girls that they are not inferior, their opinions count.
Abuse in most cases is not cause and effect it is about power, the abuser feels happy only bwhen someone is reduced by their words and actions and is ion pain, that is the sense of satisfaction that comes from abuse, you can be the best wife or husband and still be stuck with an abuser.

Airpure:

Ok let's for a second put aside the way my question rubs in a wrong way r u saying there is no sense in my question?if ur answer is NO then I bow out of this thread wit d knowledge that its a Divorce Manual for only people seeking divorce. Not those seekin to understand n avoid abuse n divorce

So I call on all singles to walk on by. If they don't want to go into marriage with a plan B in mind.

Pls do us all a favour and fvvck off this thread. Your ignorance is bewildering. Tell me, 20 pages on and still counting, what have you learnt here?

You're nothing but a self righteous, miserable bully.

I think Airpure was misunderstood. She is clearly against abuse. I think she only missed it at her choice of words.

She was trying not to be biased and sited some possible excuses why some 'men change for the worse'. She wasn't referring to anybody on this thread.

Just my opinion. Don't bite me abeg.

Debrief,
Long, interesting and very enlighten thread this has been. I dont know if anyone has asked this question but please provide account details of various NGO's helping abused women to enable people interested in making contributions to do so.
God bless you, keep up the efforts and maybe you should also think of writting a book on your experience.........

nikkyshyne: I think Airpure was misunderstood. She is clearly against abuse. I think she only missed it at her choice of words.

She was trying not to be biased and sited some possible excuses why some 'men change for the worse'. She wasn't referring to anybody on this thread.

Just my opinion. Don't bite me abeg.

Lol @ Bite you, no she wasnt misunderstood, I took my time and read through, she like so many is trying to push the responsibility to the abused with the mentality of " you must be doing something wrong". Truth iss that if you have been abused that is the gospel you hear 90 percent of the time, the abuser is never asked to get help rather you must twist and bend and submit to avoid being abused.
She went ahead to pick on cotton and defend a Judgmental society, if only you knew what it means to be bold enough to leave in Nigeria. You are constantly under the radar, but there is more pity and satisfaction if you die in abuse.
She scolds Cotton for being defensive yet puts her on the spot whatever for? This thread is 20 pages long, all she said has been asked and answered, infact cotton or someone else researched and pasted a long post on abusive signs and things to watch out for, so why still single cotton out to ":explain" for what purpose? Questions have been asked and well answered.
She knows Cotton has a weakness and sought to exploit it to butress her point that Cotton may be the "cause" of her abuse maybe by her response.

mrs flawless: Debrief,
Long, interesting and very enlighten thread this has been. I dont know if anyone has asked this question but please provide account details of various NGO's helping abused women to enable people interested in making contributions to do so.
God bless you, keep up the efforts and maybe you should also think of writting a book on your experience.........

http://www.projectalertnig.org/about.html
Bless you Madam, This one gets my vote and money and every support I can muster.

baby_123: Madam Airpure walahi I don't want to add insult to injury, at this point I think you should give it up and apologise. People are rightly offended but what you seem to be doing is just "kicking a dog while it is down". What do you gain from this campaign? Some erotic pleasure? So you caused your own abuse means others caused theirs.so tell us, why did your husband slap you? Did he discover you were a girl about town, you trapped him with juju/pregnancy or what? By the way, your type of woman is very dangerous. I fear for your mentality should you be in an abused persons life or their emergency contact. My dear you say you are quick to say sorry to your husband, but find it hard to accept that you are completely wrong. Means your previously stated claim is just a way to totally keep in your husbands good books because you are afraid. If you have personal issues, go ahead and discuss it. Stop transferring hurt and aggression.

Look at all my previous post u will see I apologised guess even cotton didn see it.

I didn't accept my Abuse like u n others seem to think. If u read my post u will see I moved out after d abuse n came back only wen he promised not to do it again n he has not.n I also said if he does it again then its over. I also critically analysed the cause of d abuse in dat case n ve taken steps to avoid it.cos I do love my pretty face lol .then again I ask Should I ve gotten divorced since d opposite of getting divorce here is accepting abuse.

Airpure:

Good Morning Efe dear. So u are at it again wit the Abuse.

I can only imagine d kind of person u r. Obviously wit an inferior complex n Very Rude.can also imagine u don't ve a lot of friends cos of ur communication defect.if debrief can communicate her long post without insult then u can.

I WILL IGNORE U. Till u learn a civil and matured way to communicate.

Oh yeah? But you're still responding aren't you?

Don't kid yourself, debrief can be patient to a fault, with twats like you. I'm not. AND if for 1 second you call your sort a "friend" to others, I really fear for them.

You poorly try to cloak your devious, spiteful nature under the pretext of "trying to understand", yet you use words like "girl about town", "juju", "trapping with pregnancy", and so on. You even blame cotton's ordeal on her??!!

Are you possessed or something? You really do sound demonic. Keep your Nollywood advice to your sorry self.

Mtcheew.

Airpure:

Look at all my previous post u will see I apologised guess even cotton didn see it.

I didn't accept my Abuse like u n others seem to think. If u read my post u will see I moved out after d abuse n came back only wen he promised not to do it again n he has not.n I also said if he does it again then its over. I also critically analysed the cause of d abuse in dat case n ve taken steps to avoid it.cos I do love my pretty face lol .then again I ask Should I ve gotten divorced since d opposite of getting divorce here is accepting abuse.

You didnt apologise, you told her to "get over it", called on her to "grow tough skin" we know this kind of apology, followed by justification, a real apology would have been i am sorry, chikenan, not scold her, and put her on the spot again. You also said that whether she likes it or not our society is judgemental, then went ahead to put her on the spot with questions already answered, questions she had even researched and pasted. O

ileobatojo: SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP


Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?


Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?


Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?


Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

It Is Still Abuse If . . .
The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.

The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.

The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!

There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm


Herein lies the problem most people have with most of the 'let's look at it from every angle' crew who have focused more on the victim not being perfect and must have done something wrong.

here

If you didnt read this before posting your questions then I am a liar

Airpure it would be best if you left it alone already, haba!

freecocoa: Airpure it would be best if you left it alone already, haba!

Why on earth should she? Her type get their rocks off, looking down her proud nose while belittling others.

Nonsense!

Efemena_xy:

Why on earth should she? Her type get their rocks off, looking down her proud nose while belittling others.

Nonsense!

Don't let it annoy you abeg, its not even worth it.

Airpure:

Look at all my previous post u will see I apologised guess even cotton didn see it.

I didn't accept my Abuse like u n others seem to think. If u read my post u will see I moved out after d abuse n came back only wen he promised not to do it again n he has not.n I also said if he does it again then its over. I also critically analysed the cause of d abuse in dat case n ve taken steps to avoid it.cos I do love my pretty face lol .then again I ask Should I ve gotten divorced since d opposite of getting divorce here is accepting abuse.

Seriously, if all you got from this thread for 20pages is what you wrote up there, then you definitely have your own agenda. You contradict yourself. You say you will leave your husband if he abuses you again. But you go further to say the thread is promoting divorce as the only option in a situation of abuse. So, you are just providing lip service here at the same time trying to derail the thread. Anyway, you can keep trying. Those who have time to keep you engaged will do. Am out! Goodluck.

@ airpure,

I totally understand why you are trying to defend yourself but you are trying too hard. On a thread like this, people can/will be more sensitive than usual, you do not have a choice but to be more careful wiith your choice of words. Sometimes, words are all about delivery, some words don't belong with others in the same post. It's time to move on, you have apologized to Cotton, be at peace with that. For the sake of the woman/women that will benefit from this thread, I recommend that you let it go.

So far, 2 peope have testified that the strength to leave comes from within, consistent with what some of us said before and we are reading now about warning signals. With less distractions, the thread will hopefully, evolve into something more.

debrief08:
Against my better Judgement I will answer you once.
What could I have done to save my marriage that i didnt do? Nothing, short of dying, I took the blames for shortcomings, failures, was publicly ridiculed, never responded, attempted to fight back once, worse mistake, everything he asked me to stop I did except my Job and My dad.
What did I do differently in my current marriage? Apart from developing esteem, with the help of my husband nothing, i am still the obedient, and loving woman I was.
What can you do to avoid abuse or being with an abuser? If you are lucky to see red flags then dont manage especially if the abuser is not willing to work on his/ her short comings. In a lot of cases especially with church people, abusive behavior is well covered, there is so much pretense, when it manifest after marriage it is excused on demonic influences, i have seen people blame their househelps as being responsible for possessing an abused spouse.
How to avoid bad marriages, start from your home, train the boys well, train the girls that they are not inferior, their opinions count.
Abuse in most cases is not cause and effect it is about power, the abuser feels happy only bwhen someone is reduced by their words and actions and is ion pain, that is the sense of satisfaction that comes from abuse, you can be the best wife or husband and still be stuck with an abuser.

Thank for ur reply I duff my hat to u. From ur post I better understand some of the issues.like some men abuse cause of damaged minds n nothing u can do to save em n in dis case u should run or expect to be in RIP section soon. Also that if a man accepts his shortcomin n understand that abuse is a no no n he is willing to change then u can work wit him.thanks dear.

You see now Efe n others there is need to keep an open mind in threads n try to understand others instead of throwin abuse cos no man has all d knowledge. Every situation n human being is diff. We can all learn from each other. If not NL will be a place where selected few think they ve all the knowledge n every1 must fall in line.

That said I won't post here again I ve seived n picked the info that is beneficial to me n I hope others do so too.

P.S I salute every woman that was brave enought to walk out of an abusive home.every single mom etc it takes a strong person to be U in this society we find ourselves.

Airpure:

Thank for ur reply I duff my hat to u. From ur post I better understand some of the issues.like some men abuse cause of damaged minds n nothing u can do to save em n in dis case u should run or expect to be in RIP section soon. Also that if a man accepts his shortcomin n understand that abuse is a no no n he is willing to change then u can work wit him.thanks dear.

You see now Efe n others there is need to keep an open mind in threads n try to understand others instead of throwin abuse cos no man has all d knowledge. Every situation n human being is diff. We can all learn from each other. If not NL will be a place where selected few think they ve all the knowledge n every1 must fall in line.

That said I won't post here again I ve seived n picked the info that is beneficial to me n I hope others do so too.

P.S I salute every woman that was brave enought to walk out of an abusive home.every single mom etc it takes a strong person to be U in this society we find ourselves.

You are free to post here or anywhere oh, no one owns this section or this thread, all i asked was that you stopped picking on Cotton, If you need any more clarification on anything that hasnt been answered feel free to ask.
This place is for all of us, we can learn without putting others down

Debrief I have a question. Something just crossed my mind. Abusers are mostly bullies and we all know that bully’s withdraw when they see people stronger than them.

You mentioned that you fought back once. What did you do? And do you think it would have made any difference if say you had 8 big hefty brothers and they gave your ex the beating of his life the first time he touched you? I suppose two wrongs don’t make a right but these people are not right upthere and need to be taught a lesson. No woman is safe round them especially if these men go on to marry other women later on. Their type will never tell the truth and say that their ex ran away for her life but will come up with one yeye story and another unsuspecting woman will fall for him and the cycle continues.

My fear with the “teach him a lesson” is that the physical abuse may evolve into emotional abuse; after all 8 hefty brothers can’t beat him up if he refuses to talk to his wife or eat her food in the home. What do you think?

chaircover: Debrief I have a question. Something just crossed my mind. Abusers are mostly bullies and we all know that bully’s withdraw when they see people stronger than them.

You mentioned that you fought back once. What did you do? And do you think it would have made any difference if say you had 8 big hefty brothers and they gave your ex the beating of his life the first time he touched you? I suppose two wrongs don’t make a right but these people are not right upthere and need to be taught a lesson. No woman is safe round them especially if these men go on to marry other women later on. Their type will never tell the truth and say that their ex ran away for her life but will come up with one yeye story and another unsuspecting woman will fall for him and the cycle continues.

My fear with the “teach him a lesson” is that the physical abuse may evolve into emotional abuse; after all 8 hefty brothers can’t beat him up if he refuses to talk to his wife or eat her food in the home. What do you think?

Lol, I hit his groin, bad mistake, that was the day I started getting tied and flogged no longer beating.
Anyway, I am glad we never got to the point of hiring people to beat him, I wouldnt let a monster (sorry to use that word) turn me into a monster too, My Dad spoke with him once it only made him angrier. I am not one to join in wrong doing simply because someone else does it to me too.
I have several Cousins in the Military who were begging for my approval to shake him small, but my family no dey do that kain thing, yes we may be a little too passive but aggression and violence is not for us

Airpure:

Thank for ur reply I duff my hat to u. From ur post I better understand some of the issues.like some men abuse cause of damaged minds n nothing u can do to save em n in dis case u should run or expect to be in RIP section soon. Also that if a man accepts his shortcomin n understand that abuse is a no no n he is willing to change then u can work wit him.thanks dear.

You see now Efe n others there is need to keep an open mind in threads n try to understand others instead of throwin abuse cos no man has all d knowledge. Every situation n human being is diff. We can all learn from each other. If not NL will be a place where selected few think they ve all the knowledge n every1 must fall in line.

That said I won't post here again I ve seived n picked the info that is beneficial to me n I hope others do so too.

P.S I salute every woman that was brave enought to walk out of an abusive home.every single mom etc it takes a strong person to be U in this society we find ourselves.

Having an open mind is NOT the same thing as making / asking demeaning questions to victims of such a sensitive topic. You don't equate both.

You're not a child, so you should know better. I absolutely detest bulllying of any form, especially on this thread.

You needed the insults and hard knocks to keep your loose tongue in check. No level of abuse is better. Just because you "endured" your husband slapping you, and chose to remain there, doesn't give you a flipping reason to think you're better than those who opt out of an abusive situation.

What works for you doesn't / musn't work for others.

Sorry I hit the send button too quick

What I also wanted to ask was if there are any agencys out there that actually focus on prosecuting and shaming these men or are the agency’s mostly involved in getting the woman out alive and setting her up in biz or any other assistance that she needs.

I am just concerned that these men will just go off and marry someone else and the cycle continues.

Debrief it is well. You really endured.

chaircover: Sorry I hit the send button too quick

What I also wanted to ask was if there are any agencys out there that actually focus on prosecuting and shaming these men or are the agency’s mostly involved in getting the woman out alive and setting her up in biz or any other assistance that she needs.

I am just concerned that these men will just go off and marry someone else and the cycle continues.

Debrief it is well. You really endured.

Hmmm , I am also guilty, truth is we dont prosecute as Nigerians except it is fatal, I was guilty too, my lawyer wanted to go all the way but i said this was my friend, almost my brother, so I said i just want a divorce, I dont want him in jail, we had medical records, pictures, etc.
Agencies cant prosecute without the victims consent and face it if a woman goes to prosecute her husband and father of her kids so many will come and abuse her, infact churches will almost chop her, we will abuse development and civilization amd the famous "endtime".
The agencies give counseling and help prosecute as much as the victim wants, that is why we say people in abusive situations have to be sure what they want, imagine going so far using funds to prosecute a case then the abused spouse comes and say they have "settled" only to be back in a few months with more sob stories.
We concentrate on "settle" without addressing issues and getting abuser help.

Efe please e don do. I am sure deep down airpure has seen her error even if she doesn’t openly admit it. Please let’s move on to other questions and advice/solutions etc.

Its not easy o! I tell you. I have a daughter and I am terrified at the kinds of things that are happening out there and behind closed doors.

debrief08:
Lol, I hit his groin, bad mistake, that was the day I started getting tied and flogged no longer beating.
Anyway, I am glad we never got to the point of hiring people to beat him, I wouldnt let a monster (sorry to use that word) turn me into a monster too, My Dad spoke with him once it only made him angrier. I am not one to join in wrong doing simply because someone else does it to me too.
I have several Cousins in the Military who were begging for my approval to shake him small, but my family no dey do that kain thing, yes we may be a little too passive but aggression and violence is not for us

This just nasty Thank God for you o.

chaircover: Debrief I have a question. Something just crossed my mind. Abusers are mostly bullies and we all know that bully’s withdraw when they see people stronger than them.

You mentioned that you fought back once. What did you do? And do you think it would have made any difference if say you had 8 big hefty brothers and they gave your ex the beating of his life the first time he touched you? I suppose two wrongs don’t make a right but these people are not right upthere and need to be taught a lesson. No woman is safe round them especially if these men go on to marry other women later on. Their type will never tell the truth and say that their ex ran away for her life but will come up with one yeye story and another unsuspecting woman will fall for him and the cycle continues.

My fear with the “teach him a lesson” is that the physical abuse may evolve into emotional abuse; after all 8 hefty brothers can’t beat him up if he refuses to talk to his wife or eat her food in the home. What do you think?

My take: abuse is about power and control - who can give the most hurt? You fight back, you become the abuser. You might never exercise the power like your partner did, but they would be beaten and less than human afterward, just like they'd sort to make you.

I suggest that instead of fighting back, you simply walk away. Why stay and prove you can be the devil too?

Worse if kids are involved.

debrief08:
Hmmm , I am also guilty, truth is we dont prosecute as Nigerians except it is fatal, I was guilty too, my lawyer wanted to go all the way but i said this was my friend, almost my brother, so I said i just want a divorce, I dont want him in jail, we had medical records, pictures, etc.
Agencies cant prosecute without the victims consent and face it if a woman goes to prosecute her husband and father of her kids so many will come and abuse her, infact churches will almost chop her, we will abuse development and civilization amd the famous "endtime".
The agencies give counseling and help prosecute as much as the victim wants, that is why we say people in abusive situations have to be sure what they want, imagine going so far using funds to prosecute a case then the abused spouse comes and say they have "settled" only to be back in a few months with more sob stories.
We concentrate on "settle" without addressing issues and getting abuser help.

Can the state not prosecute on behalf of the woman? . . . . But then I suppose if she doesn’t co-operate there won’t be any evidence to tender to prosecute the man anyway.

It’s a hard one you are right. Even the ones that die, the cases are sometimes settled under the table to protect the family’s name. God help us.

Ihedinobi:

This just nasty Thank God for you o.



My take: abuse is about power and control - who can give the most hurt? You fight back, you become the abuser. You might never exercise the power like your partner did, but they would be beaten and less than human afterward, just like they'd sort to make you.

I suggest that instead of fighting back, you simply walk away. Why stay and prove you can be the devil too?

Worse if kids are involved.

Exactly, Somewhere here, someone said a woman hit her husband with a pestle and they are now living happily in peace, lol, that scared me so much. What if he had died?

chaircover:

Can the state not prosecute on behalf of the woman? . . . . But then I suppose if she doesn’t co-operate there won’t be any evidence to tender to prosecute the man anyway.

It’s a hard one you are right. Even the ones that die, the cases are sometimes settled under the table to protect the family’s name. God help us.

Off course, if she is not willing to be a witness, there is little to be done, me for example with all my education and experience was only willing to prosecute if he didnt give me the divorce, when he was shown pictures and hospital documents, he looked shocked and instructed that I get whatever I want, so I realised that even him didnt know the full impact of his actions, most times he hit me and left, I will drag myself and get help, he will only come back when I am better and well make a grand gesture of apology