stillwater: I do not see any need to dignify Guitarlife's posts as a 'balanced view' but just something veering on chauvinism. A quote from him:



Being anti-this thread, doesn't constitute as 'balanced' in my books.

jennykadry: I asked a question that debrief and co haven't really answered.

How do you help an abused woman (for instance) transition into a woman of strength, what are the key factors you have to work on to get her there? It will take a while but do I be harsh(that role suits me well) or do I rub her hands and tell her it's okay when we all know it isn't?

Airpure:

My dear I am so anti violence that I pride myself in spotting it n running before it happens n to do dat u must be realistic n logical which is wat I am tryin to achieve.

Dat u got pregnant is NOT a just cause for abuse but for u to understand how men feel trapped n outsmarted n react in such situations to enable u avoid violence.

I might not make sense to u but I just want u to keep an open mind to other peoples opinions.

N thanks for not being ABUSIVE lik dat EFE something girl

Efemena_xy:

And logic tells me that the combination of your terrible written grammar and somewhat inability to reason properly only proves that you aren't really intelligent are you?

~ So Cotton was under the spell of voodoo now, was she? Going by your "logic"

~ and she was burnt alive - to a crisp, abi??

Abeg, do us all a favour and carry your lopsided logical analysis to the Romance Section. Or better still, GO TO BED!!!

Abi you nor get work to attend to in the mornining??

freecocoa: Efemena leave our Romance section for us o, we are very intelligent people there o, the jokes section will be better.

pak: @Airpure,

I just went through your profile and I checked your first post and still stand by the reason why I supported it.
I felt it was your own account of things, your own experience, which you had the right to air. I honestly didn't see or feel it was a response to anybody or aimed at countering anyone. Simply put it was your own survivor story . . . .
(considering that you had even attacked guitarlife earlier for daring to defend marital abuse, in fact you recommended a trophy for women who dared to come out of such relationships)

but your second post (that's causing the ruckus ), with what seems a direct attack on cotton is wrong on all counts. The assumptions were uncalled for.
(Why do I get this sneaky feeling that you wrote that post just to get back at her for first attacking your seemingly innocuous post detailing your own experience with spousal abuse and how u handled it, thereby opening you up to further attacks ).

Anyway, it will be terribly difficult to bring up any defence for those lines you typed, thank God some peeps are asleep already.
I think you should just do the right thing before morning.

ileobatojo:

In the same vein, you can also ask, how did the sweetheart woman become the verbally abusive devil after marriage when she is not mad ke? If you can excuse one's physical abuse saying that the other caused it, can you not also see that the other must have caused the verbal abuse as well? Why are you so willing to excuse one and not the other? Cos you did put verbal abuse among your list of reasons for physical abuse.

I think you also fail to understand something. Any one that is repeatedly beating up their spouse for whatever reason is pretty much "mad". No normal, sane person will resort to repeated beatings of a fellow adult as a means of dealing with whatever issue he feels is an underlying problem in marriage. So for example, if a man feels "trapped into a marriage by a pregnancy or married a girl about town unknowingly" and has now resorted to beating her up at every little opportunity, there is a screw loose in his head. Therefore, ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, it does not matter what the person did to cause it, the bottom line is the abuser has a problem that is manifesting in an unacceptable way. Again, I'm not talking of a one off episode like the slap your hubby gave you. I'm talking about people with a pattern.

You are also deliberately closing your eyes to the fact that majority of abusers don't really have any credible valid reasons. They are just severely controlling people with personality disorders. I think you need to read a bit about the psychology of abusers.

pak: @Airpure,

I just went through your profile and I checked your first post and still stand by the reason why I supported it.
I felt it was your own account of things, your own experience, which you had the right to air. I honestly didn't see or feel it was a response to anybody or aimed at countering anyone. Simply put it was your own survivor story . . . .
(considering that you had even attacked guitarlife earlier for daring to defend marital abuse, in fact you recommended a trophy for women who dared to come out of such relationships)

but your second post (that's causing the ruckus ), with what seems a direct attack on cotton is wrong on all counts. The assumptions were uncalled for.
(Why do I get this sneaky feeling that you wrote that post just to get back at her for first attacking your seemingly innocuous post detailing your own experience with spousal abuse and how u handled it, thereby opening you up to further attacks ).

Anyway, it will be terribly difficult to bring up any defence for those lines you typed, thank God some peeps are asleep already.
I think you should just do the right thing before morning.

The term "adult" is being used quite a bit in this discussion and typically to confer rights to the 20 year old daughter. Just curious, if a two year old fed, clothed and housed by her parents is subject, why is a 20 year old similarly cared for not? These "adult rights", do they not come with responsibilities? Or are they purely a function of age regardless of the care or provision of parents.

Similarly, the word "control" is being used in a pejorative sense. Why shouldn't her parents have control if they have the responsibility? Agree it may be being miss-applied in this instance, but the fact remains, they are still her parents and still sacrificing ad providing for her. Is all control ceded to her just because she turned 20?


And any takers for these two previously asked questions, particularly from people who live "faith- based" lives?


Are we now saying that;

1. It is unrealistic to expect to our children to remain obedient and accountable regards their intimate physical relationships - even whilst they remain under our roofs and our responsibility - once they reach a certain age or level of maturity?

2. It is now all but unnachievable to ask/expect/demand that our children remain chaste before marriage? In fact, it seems the "pragmatic" thing to do is to actually prep them for intimate activity and hope they don't get unwanted pregnancies or catch STD's?

Efemena_xy:

Thank you.

And that's exactly what my beef with her is! I couldn't have put that any better.

pak: @Airpure,

I just went through your profile and I checked your first post and still stand by the reason why I supported it.
I felt it was your own account of things, your own experience, which you had the right to air. I honestly didn't see or feel it was a response to anybody or aimed at countering anyone. Simply put it was your own survivor story . . . .
(considering that you had even attacked guitarlife earlier for daring to defend marital abuse, in fact you recommended a trophy for women who dared to come out of such relationships)

but your second post (that's causing the ruckus ), with what seems a direct attack on cotton is wrong on all counts. The assumptions were uncalled for.
(Why do I get this sneaky feeling that you wrote that post just to get back at her for first attacking your seemingly innocuous post detailing your own experience with spousal abuse and how u handled it, thereby opening you up to further attacks ).

Anyway, it will be terribly difficult to bring up any defence for those lines you typed, thank God some peeps are asleep already.
I think you should just do the right thing before morning.

TV01: So Aipure is justifying abuse? I certainly missed that. She didn't excuse it as far as I could make out, merely stated reasons why it's happened in her experience.

If what's required here is to crucify abusers to satisfy this "eminently balanced" discussion, it need'nt be 12 pages long.

Some would rather consider this end-to-end, seek some insight and proffer solutions at the root.

To say I met and married someone properly - this assumes you were mature enough to assess the marriage worthiness of a potential spouse and you ratified it with your family and/or other support groups - and yet before you reach mid-term pregnancy he is trying to "beat his child out of you", immolate you, dragging you across the floor by your hair and a host of other almost eye-wateringly brutal acts and the appropriate comment from a non-biased onlooker is too brand him/her a devil without query speaks volumes.

Simply labelling all who abuse devils or characterising someone who slaps once as an abuser is simplistic and simply says we are not really seeking solutions here. Interest in those that got out, without reviewing why/how they went in speaks volumes.

Best
TV

slimyem: People who want to talk about "Warning signs to detect a potential abuser" or "Situations that lead to abuse and how it can be avoided" should open a separate thread for that...which is basically much of what Airpure and Guitarlife have been dwelling around.
This thread is about people who have been abused and got out alive telling their stories...so others can learn from it.
Lets stop confusing issues unnecessarily.

Busy_body:



Lemme break it down with this pretense role play.


HOST: Men/Women who abuses are monsters

GUEST X,Y,Z: For those who don't know us and our mission, we are. . .

GUEST X,Y,Z: This is what our prospective spouses/abusers did. . .

GUEST X,Y,Z: This was how we got out. . .

AUDIENCE A: Wow.

GUEST X,Y,Z: Yes o, thanks

AUDIENCE B: What brave people you are

GUEST X,Y,Z: Thank you, but na God o,

AUDIENCE C: Those abusers are animals you were lucky to get out alive

GUEST X,Y,Z: Hmmm, my eyes saw hell

AUDIENCE D: Thank God you survived

GUEST X,Y,Z: It was indeed a miracle, thank you

AUDIENCE E: You are an inspiration

GUEST X,Y,Z: We are sharing our stories to let women know. . .

AUDIENCE F: How do we know what to look out for to avoid falling into the same pitfall

GUEST X,Y,Z: fight mode activated No comment, go and open your own thread if you want to find out the answer to that. END OF DISCUSSION.




Is this a pity party thread? NO

Are Singles excluded from this thread? NO

What niggling questions are singles likely to ask if not this type of questions huh?


Oro pesi je. . .

slimyem: Singles that asked straight questions had their questions answered as appropriate e.g freecocoa.
Guitarlife and Airpure weren't particularly asking questions like you infering in your analysis.Their posts sounded more like a separate crusade judging and part-blaming the guests and inadvertently preaching the gospel of how to recognise potential abusers in the course of dating which is a deviation from the initial aim of this thread.

debrief08: @ Busy Body,
I dont know about Airpure but let me talk about Guiterlife, He came on asked some what derogatory questions specific ones and since there were not accusations I answered him, He proceeded to say "He gives up and must be demon possessed". I proceeded to tell him that people make wrong mistakes it doesnt make them bad people. I have stated so many times the reasons why the abuse started, I assumed me and Guiterlife had settled issues only for him to come back the next page and say I am probably slow and If I was not I must have ignored signs. What signs? A man who I regarded as a brother, who my father informally adopted and practically raised, someone who was with me every step of my life cheering me on, How would I know that a few millions will send him back to a father he had sworn not to be like?
As for knowing the signs, a lot of people here have addressed that even though none specifically, Jenny didnt ask, and most of those who raised it did so in accusation. I have scolded cotton here for being defensive but I understand, when you divorce you have to answer this questions over and over not questions but accusations as if to say you were blind and desperate so even when you make a mistake you cannot leave you must stay and die.
I for one from my experience cannot rightly speak of warning signs but as I grow and see relationships I notice some.

Busy_body:

Compiling the response to this. BRB

debrief08: @ Busy Body,
I dont know about Airpure but let me talk about Guiterlife, He came on asked some what derogatory questions specific ones and since there were not accusations I answered him, He proceeded to say "He gives up and must be demon possessed". I proceeded to tell him that people make wrong mistakes it doesnt make them bad people. I have stated so many times the reasons why the abuse started, I assumed me and Guiterlife had settled issues only for him to come back the next page and say I am probably slow and If I was not I must have ignored signs. What signs? A man who I regarded as a brother, who my father informally adopted and practically raised, someone who was with me every step of my life cheering me on, How would I know that a few millions will send him back to a father he had sworn not to be like?
As for knowing the signs, a lot of people here have addressed that even though none specifically, Jenny didnt ask, and most of those who raised it did so in accusation. I have scolded cotton here for being defensive but I understand, when you divorce you have to answer this questions over and over not questions but accusations as if to say you were blind and desperate so even when you make a mistake you cannot leave you must stay and die.
I for one from my experience cannot rightly speak of warning signs but as I grow and see relationships I notice some.

jennykadry: I asked a question that debrief and co haven't really answered.

How do you help an abused woman (for instance) transition into a woman of strength, what are the key factors you have to work on to get her there? It will take a while but do I be harsh(that role suits me well) or do I rub her hands and tell her it's okay when we all know it isn't?

It is still abuse if
The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!

TV01:

Ok, thanks for your response. I've a clearer idea of your POV, although you haven't stated what your Worldview is based on. I have my thoughts, but I leave you to confirm that or otherwise as you so choose. I would question a lot of those assertions, but do not want to digress to far.

Best
TV