Mazi, Oniranu jati jati! You sha must add a sexual angle to the story. Lol

You did quite a good job there, sir. Like Efe rightly mentioned, it was like watching a movie. I could actually visualise the action, and it was fast paced and gritty. My only issue is the language.

The first paragraph was chock full with grammatikos, and it seems the tense confusion issue is a general challenge with a lot of writers. You switched between present tense, past tense and present continuous tense like you were playing ping pong. Had me wincing, while at the same time enjoying the story.

Other things to note. Mind your spellings.

'Bother', not 'border'.
'Overdose', not 'overdorsage'
'Proven beyond doubt', 'proved beyond doubt''
Below 'rader', not 'raider'

You don't perch on a cell, you 'perch on the edge of a cot at the extreme end of the cell'. 'Perch on a cell' brings to mind a bird on a window sill.

Wrong verb usages.

'Zolpidem' and 'Ibe' are proper nouns, so please change them to capital letters.

A lot of people confuse 'loose', for 'lose', and you are no exception. You 'loose' a knot, a braid, a bond. You 'lose' an object, your mind, a belonging etc.

Sometimes language can hinder a writer from fully expressing himself, but I guess you will get better as time goes on. There were so many other errors that made my nostrils flare and my eyes widen, but in all, a very interesting submission. I wish the chapter had been longer

Double post

Frosti: Larry sun, nice idea.
Hope am not too late, am interested and would like to join. Let me see how creative my mind can get.

Where and how do i sign up? Should i PM you?

Cheers!

Hi Frosti!

Of course, you're not too late. If you're really sure you can do it, then why not? But first and foremost, I'd like to see a piece of your work first. I checked your profile but I can't seem to find any of your posts in the Literature/Writing Section.

Hoping to hear from you soonest.

Bless you, sir.

Larry-Sun:
Okay, Mazi, it's time to point out errors...I hope you adjust.

1. You need to embolden your chapter, chapter title and submission name.

2. The spelling should be evidence, not evidences.

3. ...a devilish twist that will sure ruin his career/ would surely

4. Is Chief Koko's spirit already hunting him?/ haunting.

5. ...an overdorsage/ overdose

6. ...was that of Tracy/ was that of Tracy's

7. ...and Tracy as a journalist doing her innocent investigation on the murder of chief koko/ Chief Koko

8. ...another victim of the suspects/another victim of the suspect's

9. ...was reported to be found in Tracy's bloodstream/to have been found

10. ...then their was the autopsy done by the highly respected Dr Suleman/there

11. ...chief koko/repitition of error.

12. ...below the raider/rader

13. ...he loves winning/loved

14. ...died of a strong dossage of cyanide/dosage

15. ...then it will take a few hours for it to shut down her system, first to a comma..../ would and coma

16. ...he had notice the dosage was small/ noticed that

17. ...to see if their was any new document/ there

18. ...the old one was no longer their/ there

It's very easy to make errors when writing something as wonderful as your piece. These are the few I was able to catch while enjoying it. I hope you make the necessary modifications.

O Sir Grammer Larry, my crush for thee doth grow in leaps and bounds as the days flit by. . .

Choi!!!! Were all these typos and blunders found on that two pages I submitted?
Nna mehn!!! I wan sleep. When I wake, I will make corrections. Right now, let me enjoy what's left of my weekend on my king-sized bed (alone).

Ishilove:
O Sir Grammer Larry, my crush for thee doth grow in leaps and bounds as the days flit by. . .

Ishilove dear, would you plight my troth?

Ishilove:
No even tink am. I need time, mehn! I take my time before doing stuff and my life doesn't revolve around NL, ya dig?

lazy energy saving girl.

Larry-Sun:

Hi Frosti!

Of course, you're not too late. If you're really sure you can do it, then why not? But first and foremost, I'd like to see a piece of your work first. I checked your profile but I can't seem to find any of your posts in the Literature/Writing Section.

Hoping to hear from you soonest.

Bless you, sir.

Didn't know there was such a criteria. My bad.

Sadly, I have no work on the Lit section. Am more of an onlooker/spectator/reader in this section, I normally hangout more in the tech/computer sections.

But I can assure you that I love reading and have quite a creative mind.

Had a couple of unfinished stories way back in high school. I guess it's time to pick up that pen again.

Actually, it is radAr and not radEr.

Radar is short for RAdio Detection And Ranging

To fly under the radar.

Frosti:
Didn't know there was such a criteria. My bad.

Sadly, I have no work on the Lit section. Am more of an onlooker/spectator/reader in this section, I normally hangout more in the tech/computer sections.

But I can assure you that I love reading and have quite a creative mind.

Had a couple of unfinished stories way back in high school. I guess it's time to pick up that pen again.

Okay, no big deal. I'll get back to you. Wait for a PM from me.

Frosti: Actually, it is radAr and not radEr.

Radar is short for RAdio Detection And Ranging

To fly under the radar.

Shrewd mind, God bless you.

Hello Mazi, like I've said countless times, I'm one of your avid fans and really love your work. It's been superb reading your write-ups.

Okay, I've picked up a couple of grammatical errors which you might want to amend. Pls bear in mind that these aren't inteneded to put a damper on you but aimed at encouraging you to be an even writer. I've quoted the areas that need to be adjusted in black and my corrections in blue and my explanations in green

~ First Paragraph: "But this new development, this new unfortunate incidence was a devilish twist that will sure ruin his career, if not his life."

Change to: "This new development, this unfortunate incident, was a devilish twist of fate that was bound to ruin not only his career, but his life"

Reason: It's best not to start off a new sentence with a conjunction. Conjunctions such as "but" & "and" are used to join up two sentences. You also need to change the word "incidence" to "incident"

***********************

~ Second Paragraph: "... His boss, Mr ibe had earlier acknowledge his innocence ...

Change to: "... His boss, Mr Ibe had acknowledged his innocence earlier..."

Reason: Interchanging the words in the sentence above makes it sound better and conveys your message across much clearer.

************************

~ "I'm afraid it may be too late for you to stop it. No, it's too late now. But you must come, you must come and investigate my death, Mr. Lucan, lest my spirit haunt you for the rest of your life".

Change to: "I'm afraid it may be too late for you to stop it. No, it's too late now. But you must come, you must come and investigate my death, Mr. Lucan, least my spirit haunts you for the rest of your life".

************************

~ "Few days after Tracy's murder, Lucan was charged to court. A new evidence had come to light."

Change to: "A few days after Tracy's murder, Lucan was charged to court as new evidence had come to light."

Reason: Include the letter "A" at the start of your sentence, remove the full stop after the word "court" and replace the letter "A" with the word "as". So rather than have two disjointed sentences, you have one continuous sentence which encourages the flow for the reader without unnecessary breaks. This helps to improve readability.

************************

~ Paragraph 8: "...It was a glaring result."

Change to: "...The results were glaring..."

************************

~ Paragraph 9: "It was Dr. Suleman that carried out most of the autopsy,..."

Change to: " It was Dr. Suleman who carried out most of the autopsy..."

Reason: Replace the word "that" with "who". The word "who" denotes ownership of the action carried out, which in this case was the autopsy.

************************

~ Paragraph 10: "Suleman had recognised the corpse once it was brought in."

Change to: "Suleman recognised the corpse immediately it was brought in."

Reason: Here, we're trying to reduce repetition or overuse of the word "had" as it'll weaken the story and distract your reader. You already have the word "had" in the proceeding sentence. Replacing the word "once" with "immediately" makes your sentence a lot stronger or rather passes the message on in a stronger tone to your reader.

************************

~ Also on paragraph 10: "It was perfect, his reputation was going to sell this, the police department would swallow it hook, line and sinker. And above all, Susanna would be impressed."

Change to: "It was perfect. His reputation was going to sell this, the police department would swallow it hook, line and sinker; and above all, Susanna would be impressed."

Reason: You don't start a sentence with a conjunction (it may be allowed in a dialogue though). You might want to remove the full stop after the word "sinker" and replace it with a semicolon so that you've got two separate sentences whose meanings don't over flow / overlap each other.

************************

~ Paragraph 13: "The guard looked at him like stepping into that cell will endanger David's life."

Change to: "The guard looked at him strangely, almost as though stepping into that cell would endanger David's life."

Reason: Including the adverb "strangely" tells us a bit more about the look. We know the guard looked at him, but how? Including the phrase "almost as though" makes your statement richer and more robust.

************************

~ Paragraph 14: "His case doesn't look good."

Change: "doesn't" to "didn't"

Reason: This story is being told in the past tense. So it's best to ensure consistency of tenses.

************************

~ Paragraph 17: "An earlier search of Lucan's apartment yielded positive results as a pack of a drug, zolpidem, was found."

Change to: "An earlier search of Lucan's apartment yielded positive results as the packet of the drug, zolpidem, was found.

************************

~ Paragraph 19: "Then their was the autopsy done by the highly respected Dr. Suleman. "

Change to: "Then there was the autopsy done by the highly respected Dr. Suleman. "

Reason: I think this was probably a typo on your part. Change the word "their" to "there".

************************

~ Paragraph 20: "It will take a defence attorney forever to plead his innocence."

Change to: "It would take a defence attorney forever to plead his innocence."

Reason: Replacing the word "will" with "would" ensures consistency of tenses, which in this case is the past tense.

************************

~ Paragraph 21: "Something is really wrong somewhere."

Change to: "Something was really wrong somewhere."

Reason: Changing the word "is" to "was" ensures consistency of usage of verbs in the past tense.

************************

Okay, this is as far as I can go for now. Like I mentioned the whole point of pointing these out is to help make your writing better, and in no way is this intended to put you down. I too as an aspiring writer would embrace as much constructive critism as possible if it's aimed at making me a better writer. I sincerely hope you see this in the spirit in which it's intended. These are just my suggestions which you may or may not want to utilize...the choice is yours...

All the same, well done for delivering such a wonderful piece, Mazi!

Hmmm... They have said pretty much everything worth correcting. Save for inconsistency in tense, the 'grammatico' listed by Larry, Ishi, Efe and frosty, and some typos (such as spelling Cyanide as Cynide at a point and Zolpidem as Zolpadem at another point), you did a great job.

All in all, a nice piece it is. Hope I can give it a fitting follow-up.

Larry-Sun:

Okay, no big deal. I'll get back to you. Wait for a PM from me.

My Nairaland account is linked to a yahoo email and yahoo is throwing one of it's regular fits and has refused to open both on mobile and computer.

So i opened a brand new email with Gmail. Could you please send the required info to frosti.static@gmail.com?

Thanks.

Larry-Sun:

12. ...below the raider/rader

Mr Corrector,it's not raider or rader,it is Radar

Rap maestro: Mr Corrector,it's not raider or rader,it is Radar

Thanks a lot, bless you. I guess error is inevitable. Next time you're placing a comment, try to space your letter after every punctuation mark. Thanks again.

I'm really learning a lot from you guys. If I may say, I'd like Lucan somehow managing to jailbreak and become a fugitive while he tackles the problems looming over his dome.

Larry-Sun:

Ishilove dear, would you plight my troth?

Mmmmm. . . I will sure as heck accept thy plight, if it is really troth.

brokoto: lazy energy saving girl.

You can kiss my. . .!

Ishilove:
Mmmmm. . . I will sure as heck accept thy plight, if it is really troth.

Arms crossed

Larry-Sun:

Arms crossed

Oya, uncross them sharp sharp and decree thy troth!

Ishilove:
Oya, uncross them sharp sharp and decree thy troth!

Not this night! I'm so enamoured by your writing style that I'd so much like being...

Ishilove:
You can kiss my. . .!

make i help ha finish am 'ha [b] flat [/b]as.s

Larry-Sun:
I'm really learning a lot from you guys. If I may say, I'd like Lucan somehow managing to jailbreak and become a fugitive while he tackles the problems looming over his dome.

hehehe... This guy knows whatsup Mazi put him in so someone can help him get out. It's just that the court is not the fastest way out

Working on my piece already. Created just one character, from the sand left by previous writers. It's not too much, considering that Efe killed Tracy
Trying my best to tie up more loose ends than I create.

I like Ayodele's role in the saga, but with the publicity, I do not think he's Chief Koko's killer material, so I'm going to do something about it.

Lastly, Jack has not been used by anyone yet

Let's not forget that time factor is also particularly important, we should be definite about when the actions are being performed (morning, afternoon, evening or night). We may even go as far as describing the weather, what day of the week and the month the event is happening.

Yeah... Good point.

Oahray: Yeah... Good point.

I know you're going to deliver a blow to our solar plexus.

Ishilove:
You can kiss my full sexy lips

coming right away ma'am!

brokoto: coming right away ma'am!

Baddest boy!

Larry-Sun:

I know you're going to deliver a blow to our solar plexus.

I pray o

Now it's my turn, dem wan turn am to chat thread

In other news, I think any time saved from early updates should NOT be added to that of the next writer. That way, the total time it would take to complete the story would reduced.

Oahray: Now it's my turn, dem wan turn am to chat thread

In other news, I think any time saved from early updates should NOT be added to that of the next writer. That way, the total time it would take to complete the story would reduced.

You mean I should cut down your time? I'd gladly do that if it'd be okay by you.