debosky: @ OP

I won't bother repeating what others have said here but, as a Christian, my view is that you shouldn't really consider divorce, and if you do, it should only be very last option when every attempt at reconciliation has failed, and it is the best outcome for your daughter.

In terms of analysing things and reaching a conclusion, I sense we are similar in that guise - you may take time to arrive at a decision, but once you do you are immovable like a rock.

While that may be sufficient in most areas, I do not think your sole analysis is sufficient grounds to move ahead in this instance.

First thing - do not try to 'rationalise' what she has done - she messed up and messed up totally. Don't deceive yourself that 'if it happened only once' that it would feel better. It wouldn't. Those are just excuses you're using to 'justify' your anger (which is perfectly valid by the way). Like you said, there is no 'mitigating clause' that says adultery is acceptable due to husband neglect or loneliness - that is all irrelevant now.

Second thing - you should try all means to reconcile before deciding to end things. Simply 'waiting' for 8 months to feel better is not good enough. What attempts at rebuilding went on during that time? Simply tolerating her is avoiding the problem - you need to face it head on to get beyond it. You cannot reach the mountain peak if you choose to only walk around it each time you see it. You will never experience the view from atop if you do this.

Third thing - your own attempts at reconciliation have not yielded fruit, so you need to wisely involve a third party. A good counsellor who can help you both get to the root of things would help. It may not work, but for your own peace of mind, do all you can so that you never find yourself saying 'I should've done more to try to reconcile' in future.

Fourth thing - once you've had a child, decisions cannot be made solely on what pleases you alone anymore. You need to fully consider the impacts on your daughter and ensure her interests are protected in this. She isn't at fault and shouldn't have to suffer.

I don't think you got married expecting to bail out once infidelity occurred, so even with the betrayal and hurt, do not divorce till you've done EVERYTHING humanly possible to reconcile. That's my advice and I pray your union is reconciled.

If it doesn't happen, at least know that you've done all you can to achieve reconciliation before deciding to end things.

sokoanugwa: @OP, Just understand that from the beginning when God instituted marriage, He did not have divorce in mind. God will not make something and still have flaws in it. Other married people have said a whole lot But the decision to make your marriage work is in your hand. We all have different level of faith and deep underdstanding of God, grace and forgiveness. You need to understand that where sin abound, grace abounds much more. She needs you to talk to God on her behalf as the head of the house,if you dont condemn her, neither will anyone do. If you dont want other people to know what she has done thus far, it shows that you still Love her deeply. You love her but hate what she has done, same with God, but He provided a way of escape for us by saying, If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Common man, use what has worked in your marriage prior to this time. the enemy is after you destiny and that of your generation. Fight that devil now before he returns and becomes a monster. Only you can make it happen

lorretta u: Perfect husband.(Make I hear)
Anyway op ur wife isn't sorry,she only is sorry she got caught.yeah.
I don't support infidelity.at all.
But something tells me that if it was a woman who's suffering this now,majority of the people would be saying 'forgive him'
'Show him love and respect,
'Are u sure u r doing ur duties well as a wife'
'Anyway just thank God he's not doing it to ur face'
And bla bla bla.
Hypocrites!
Op sorry o.at least one man now knows how we ladies feel when u go around sowing ur wild oats.

Toks2008:

Ok, go ahead since your mind is made up but what follows?

1. Start fornicating with any girl that catches your fancy.
2. Probably get married to another lady that may be worse than your wife.


Let me even tell you this fact many guys don't know. Giving up your wife to another man is a sign of weakness. Adultery or no adultery.

So let me be frank with you and i believe this will solve the situation. Let her stay and don't give her up but you can still go ahead and marry another lady that will give you a clean start.Let her be the one to walk away if you are resolute that you cant stay with her any longer but save yourself the stress of divorce.

Some may see this advice as stupid but its better than divorce.

Just like i have told my wife that i will not divorce her and if she stays away too long and i venture into another affair then i will be marrying two wives because i will never let go of the new lady even if she ever comes back. So let your wife pay that price for cheating on you rather than go through the stress of divorce.

I wish you well.

debosky: @ OP

I won't bother repeating what others have said here but, as a Christian, my view is that you shouldn't really consider divorce, and if you do, it should only be very last option when every attempt at reconciliation has failed, and it is the best outcome for your daughter.

In terms of analysing things and reaching a conclusion, I sense we are similar in that guise - you may take time to arrive at a decision, but once you do you are immovable like a rock.

While that may be sufficient in most areas, I do not think your sole analysis is sufficient grounds to move ahead in this instance.

First thing - do not try to 'rationalise' what she has done - she messed up and messed up totally. Don't deceive yourself that 'if it happened only once' that it would feel better. It wouldn't. Those are just excuses you're using to 'justify' your anger (which is perfectly valid by the way). Like you said, there is no 'mitigating clause' that says adultery is acceptable due to husband neglect or loneliness - that is all irrelevant now.

Second thing - you should try all means to reconcile before deciding to end things. Simply 'waiting' for 8 months to feel better is not good enough. What attempts at rebuilding went on during that time? Simply tolerating her is avoiding the problem - you need to face it head on to get beyond it. You cannot reach the mountain peak if you choose to only walk around it each time you see it. You will never experience the view from atop if you do this.

Third thing - your own attempts at reconciliation have not yielded fruit, so you need to wisely involve a third party. A good counsellor who can help you both get to the root of things would help. It may not work, but for your own peace of mind, do all you can so that you never find yourself saying 'I should've done more to try to reconcile' in future.

Fourth thing - once you've had a child, decisions cannot be made solely on what pleases you alone anymore. You need to fully consider the impacts on your daughter and ensure her interests are protected in this. She isn't at fault and shouldn't have to suffer.

I don't think you got married expecting to bail out once infidelity occurred, so even with the betrayal and hurt, do not divorce till you've done EVERYTHING humanly possible to reconcile. That's my advice and I pray your union is reconciled.

If it doesn't happen, at least know that you've done all you can to achieve reconciliation before deciding to end things.

egariyi: I will advise you against divorce/separation. its never the best option especially when threat to life is not involved. Have you considered discussing the reasons why your wife did what she did. May be just may be you may not have been satisfying her sexually. Perhaps, you may be the reason!! There is always a two side to a coin. Also, the Holy Book admonishes us to forgive our offenders 70 x 70 in a day! Have you considered how many women are still married today inspite of the fact that their men are frolicking about? some even produced kids outside wedlock yet the woman 'forgave' d man and remained? Please for the sake of that child, I will strongly advise that you consider the option of 'forgiving her completely from your heart' and also discussing her sexual needs with her. I recommend you to read a book called "the total man". May God guide you in your decision and grant you peace of mind.

WhyMe222:

Sincerely my brother. This was my foremost position but wifey said she cannot stay married to me while I bring in another woman. She even said she can't afford to share me. Ain't that laughable? She is just lucky I am the man I am. Age does really make us wiser.

WhyMe222:

Viola! Some of your analysis align with my thoughts exactly. I laugh at your regarding me as a wimp. A good man/hubby is slow to anger because most times, actions resulting from anger are usually always regretted. I am a realist by nature in view of my person and the constellations that control my being if you believe in zodiacs. I analyze issues before reaching a conclusion which usually is irreversible as I must have weighed the pros and cons. To add to that, I was trained to uphold my principles by my father which he said are the virtues of a real man. I drilled her thoroughly to understand the rational behind her action and her answers were "I sincerely can not explain what happened or how it got to this point".

Well, thank you everyone for your contributions. They are all weighty and have their strength and weaknesses. I have done several online research, read my Bible "even though I wouldn't want to make quotes", the Bible made it clear in the New Testament that the only reason a man can leave his wife is on the grounds of infidelity. There was never a clause that absorbs the action as a fallout of the man's philandering nature or inability to cater for his wife emotionally and physically. I want to state equivocally here that I never did fall short in my duties as a husband. It might not always all be rosy as it is part of the make-up of the life we live in for there to be seasons. The bible also made mention of a "virtuous woman" which I had expected her as a married woman and every other married woman to tow such path.

I did both registry and church wedding as demanded to know by some respondents.

My decision to cover her up did not stem from the fact that I am a wimp or that she is the bread winner (she is not) of our home, it is borne out of genuine love not to ridicule her and turn her a laughing stock amongst her friends, neighbors and colleagues. What do i stand to gain if I ridicule her? I don't pay evil for evil. Her parents will sure get to know because I won't want them to have the impression that I used and dumped their daughter. I have fought a good fight but it all seems I am loosing in every front. When I sit back and analyze the whole thing, I can't find any grounds to stand on to begin the healing and repair of the damage done. Maybe if it had happened once, and just maybe around this time when our girl has passed the early infant age and again protection used, it will be pardonable and most likely easier too.

I thank you all and I pray when it is eventually over, God will give me a woman who will see the good man in me and hold sacred her vow, see herself as the mother of the house, make a concerted effort to be the "virtuous woman" to me as described in the bible.

I appreciate you all.

hajieazi:



hmmmmm.... how l wish more people can be bold enough to come out and tell the world the issues behind the cloud.
Honestly, l have seen it all. THE TRUTH IS THAT I SEE VIRTUALLY EVERY MARRIED WOMEN AS IRRESPONSIBLE. Over 70% of married women today cheat on their husband. My experiences over the years and recent encounter and troubles with women is an eye opener to the true reality that the situation is really bad. The more reason why l don't attend wedding ceremony again. I consider it as a waste of time..
I did management consultancy service for an hotel in the heart of Lagos, believe you me, the ratio of women that patronises the hotel is 7 married women to 3 singles. The biggest shocker was that of the wife of a church pastor well known to me, a women l consider as a role model.
Women have since lost their place in my heart.For the single guys out there, ohhhhhhhh, i pity you. I no longer value marriage, even though am married. I will rather concentrate on things that makes me happy all day...watch football, discuss economic, political and business stuff, read papers, listen to local and international news, play solid music and enjoy myself with delicious African and continental dishes.

My advise to you sir,is to FORGIVE HER, make yourself happy,try as much as possible to move on, l tell you, getting another wife is as good as keeping what you have now. THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. It is not possible for you to spend 1000 years on earth, use the little time you have to THINK POSITIVELY,ENJOY YOURSELF AND BE CLOSE TO GOD. He will guide you to the right path, the path of success, peace of mind and everlasting joy. I know how you feel my brother.

hajieazi:



hmmmmm.... how l wish more people can be bold enough to come out and tell the world the issues behind the cloud.
Honestly, l have seen it all. THE TRUTH IS THAT I SEE VIRTUALLY EVERY MARRIED WOMEN AS IRRESPONSIBLE. Over 70% of married women today cheat on their husband. My experiences over the years and recent encounter and troubles with women is an eye opener to the true reality that the situation is really bad. The more reason why l don't attend wedding ceremony again. I consider it as a waste of time..
I did management consultancy service for an hotel in the heart of Lagos, believe you me, the ratio of women that patronises the hotel is 7 married women to 3 singles. The biggest shocker was that of the wife of a church pastor well known to me, a women l consider as a role model.
Women have since lost their place in my heart.For the single guys out there, ohhhhhhhh, i pity you. I no longer value marriage, even though am married. I will rather concentrate on things that makes me happy all day...watch football, discuss economic, political and business stuff, read papers, listen to local and international news, play solid music and enjoy myself with delicious African and continental dishes.

My advise to you sir,is to FORGIVE HER, make yourself happy,try as much as possible to move on, l tell you, getting another wife is as good as keeping what you have now. THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. It is not possible for you to spend 1000 years on earth, use the little time you have to THINK POSITIVELY,ENJOY YOURSELF AND BE CLOSE TO GOD. He will guide you to the right path, the path of success, peace of mind and everlasting joy. I know how you feel my brother.

andromida:

Again I implore you to forgive her,it won't happen overnight. It will take time so give it time. A break from her will do you good for now and you really don't want the details but if you insist you should equally ask her what pushed her out. I am not defending her actions but if you must know the sordid details the you should at least know the reason behind the action.

Toks2008:

Nice one and we are on the am page i guess.

I have lost my zeal for this thing called marriage. For me, i have decided to approach it in a way that nothing will ever surprise me.

If a lady can tell me she is disconnected from me after 12 years of been together DESPITE MY 100% LOYALTY TO HER and not that she caught me cheating but because of crazy reasons of incompatibility a if i have been pretending all these years then what is marriage when there is no tolerance.

It is ok to get married and procreate but believe me IT SUCKS.

biolabee:

Wow.. This is deep!
This means Self service in marriage is more common than people let on

Toks2008:

Nice one and we are on the am page i guess.

I have lost my zeal for this thing called marriage. For me, i have decided to approach it in a way that nothing will ever surprise me.

If a lady can tell me she is disconnected from me after 12 years of been together DESPITE MY 100% LOYALTY TO HER and not that she caught me cheating but because of crazy reasons of incompatibility a if i have been pretending all these years then what is marriage when there is no tolerance.

It is ok to get married and procreate but believe me IT SUCKS.

hajieazi:



hmmmmm.... how l wish more people can be bold enough to come out and tell the world the issues behind the cloud.
Honestly, l have seen it all. THE TRUTH IS THAT I SEE VIRTUALLY EVERY MARRIED WOMEN AS IRRESPONSIBLE. Over 70% of married women today cheat on their husband. My experiences over the years and recent encounter and troubles with women is an eye opener to the true reality that the situation is really bad. The more reason why l don't attend wedding ceremony again. I consider it as a waste of time..
I did management consultancy service for an hotel in the heart of Lagos, believe you me, the ratio of women that patronises the hotel is 7 married women to 3 singles. The biggest shocker was that of the wife of a church pastor well known to me, a women l consider as a role model.
Women have since lost their place in my heart.For the single guys out there, ohhhhhhhh, i pity you. I no longer value marriage, even though am married. I will rather concentrate on things that makes me happy all day...watch football, discuss economic, political and business stuff, read papers, listen to local and international news, play solid music and enjoy myself with delicious African and continental dishes.

My advise to you sir,is to FORGIVE HER, make yourself happy,try as much as possible to move on, l tell you, getting another wife is as good as keeping what you have now. THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. It is not possible for you to spend 1000 years on earth, use the little time you have to THINK POSITIVELY,ENJOY YOURSELF AND BE CLOSE TO GOD. He will guide you to the right path, the path of success, peace of mind and everlasting joy. I know how you feel my brother.

WhyMe222:

Please my brother I want ask. Is/Are there no issues (Child/Children) in the marriage? Could it be the reason why she wants to up and leave citing incompatibility?

baby_123:
You married a virgin or was her one and only. I wonder why men think women they marry as virgin's won't have sexual thoughts. Loool, she would want to know what is outside and I capable of wanting to experiment. And will keep wondering if there is better. About being incompatible, maybe you need to ask her what is wrong and work on yourself. It may not be her, it just may be you not looking in the mirror and working on your flaws. We should all strive to be a work in progress. Maybe she got tired of 12yrs of the same bull.

agoha_vivi: Hmmmmmn! Where you born of an hyena or a fox? From your lines you definitely couldn't have been born of a woman. You probably were born of an animal. @OP, I'll advise you seek Gods face concerning this issue. Ask for his guidance so that you make the best decision concerning this. Cheers.

Toks2008:


Exactly what she said. Got tired tolerating but wait a second. What exactly is she tolerating for 12 years that she suddenly cant tolerate any longer? Please be real. she is either carried away or totally confused.

baby_123:
With the way you talk and write about it, it tells me you absolutely see no faults in yourself. You don't compromise and you don't listen. No one is perfect. If your spouse is complaining about something about you, which you as a rational adult know its a flaw. Work on it. Don't talk down on her to build up yourself. She is telling you to change, you are still saying she is confused and frustrated. Are you trying to say as an adult and a woman she doesn't know what she wants? Doesn't she have a right to demand happiness? She is right that if you both had kids, she may have endured or ignored. Now that you don't, she has a choice to move on and start over. We are here in life to constantly grow as human beings. If you decide you want to be stagnant, you may end up affecting all aspects of your life with such an attitude. Saying a woman who is TTC is frustrated, is wrong. You should not say such a thing about your wife outside. Work on how you talk, and how you see her. She is your partner, your other half. If someone talked to you like that or dismissed your concerns in such a manner, how long would you endure

AjanleKoko:

Why would anybody let on that they do self service despite being married, in the first place?

@OP, I think divorce might be the best option here. Tough, but it is worse forcing a relationship already gone sour on each other. If the marriage has failed, might as well dismantle it and move on.

Olasaint: OP I really empathize with you, but i feel you may have a little problem from your side.

As a thoughtful and thorough person (the perception i get from your post) you may tend to think you have all the grounds covered and you did not fail in your duty. Did you ask before.

The first rule I made in my then new marriage is OPEN COMMUNICATION IS BY FORCE.

Married to a typical Nigerian girl. the inhibition is deeper than you will think you really have to get to that level where she can open up to you all the way without any fear of what you will think

At the moment its late if you were not there before, that can come in the is the rebuilding phase.

I know someone who was so desperate to punish a adulterous wife by ensuring she does not come back. Believe me the whole family now realize that the yeye wife is better than all the five he has tasted so far.

The bible emphasized love and not judgement. David did not break up with his wives for agreeing to sleep with Absalom. He simply put them aside. That is still an option without breakup.

Nashville:

You have raised valid points but I tell you it is not easy. Marriage is between man and wife, if a third party comes in, the vow itself has been broken and the marriage partially disolved. That is why the Bible says the only reason for divorce is infidelity.

Let us not trivalise this issue. Trust is the backbone of any happy marriage. I cannot be married to someone I do not trust or whose loyalty to me is questionable. Second is the issue of disease. What know what kind of s*ex they practice? What about the possibility of fathering a child that isnt mine.

Please let us not condone adultary at all. There is no place for it in marriage.

Toks2008: Let's tell each other the truth.
Anybody can fall into intimate sin. Its about guiding your heart and knowing your limits.

This is why i counsel unmarried people to try their best in making sure they marry their choice. This is the first step to preventing intimate sins.

I wrote yesterday that i have never sen the unclothedness of another lady for the past 12yrs since i met my wife and later married her. You know why? The fear of GOD and also because she is my choice talking about physical attributes.

A lady once told me that if she marries a fair complexion man, she is bound to commit adultery. Cray but sincere.

If you are a man that love a big bosom lady then try never to settle for less and if you love a shapely lady then go for just that so that you will not have reason to lust after another lady out there except you are possessed with the spirit of lust.

Same goes for women, there are specifics that each woman wants in her man but because women cant be too picky because of time factor, they can at least discuss with their man telling him how they want to be loved, touched and treated. Failure to do this may result in infidelity.

Toks2008:

There are many things i cant write here for reasons best known to me. I am a rationale adult. Forget sentiments, courtship is a period when two lovers weigh things and decide to either move on or continue with each other.

We are married for crying out loud and not just lovers so all that moving on shit is not applicable in marriage especially not in a case like ours which is not life and death.

She got carried away simple. It is totally insane for any married man or woman to suddenly say what she feels for her husband or wife was never love for 12 years but pity. so friend just believe me when i say she is confused for now. She is human so let me give her time to re evaluate things.

debosky:

I agree with you - but all those issues can be addressed if both parties are committed. Trust can be re-built, disease testing can be done, and paternity can be established.

I don't regard asking a third party to mediate will constitute partly dissolving the marriage. You are married by a third party anyway, so there's nothing wrong in principle with introducing a third party if required.

Re-establishing trust is not easy, but it can and has been done. My hope is that the OP (and his wife) will do all they can humanly do to restore the union.



No one is condoning adultery - what I am saying is that all attempts should be made to preserve the marriage even in the face of adultery. This is for the greater good of all involved, especially the young child.

WhyMe222:

Viola! Some of your analysis align with my thoughts exactly. I laugh at your regarding me as a wimp. A good man/hubby is slow to anger because most times, actions resulting from anger are usually always regretted. I am a realist by nature in view of my person and the constellations that control my being if you believe in zodiacs. I analyze issues before reaching a conclusion which usually is irreversible as I must have weighed the pros and cons. To add to that, I was trained to uphold my principles by my father which he said are the virtues of a real man. I drilled her thoroughly to understand the rational behind her action and her answers were "I sincerely can not explain what happened or how it got to this point".

Well, thank you everyone for your contributions. They are all weighty and have their strength and weaknesses. I have done several online research, read my Bible "even though I wouldn't want to make quotes", the Bible made it clear in the New Testament that the only reason a man can leave his wife is on the grounds of infidelity. There was never a clause that absorbs the action as a fallout of the man's philandering nature or inability to cater for his wife emotionally and physically. I want to state equivocally here that I never did fall short in my duties as a husband. It might not always all be rosy as it is part of the make-up of the life we live in for there to be seasons. The bible also made mention of a "virtuous woman" which I had expected her as a married woman and every other married woman to tow such path.

I did both registry and church wedding as demanded to know by some respondents.

My decision to cover her up did not stem from the fact that I am a wimp or that she is the bread winner (she is not) of our home, it is borne out of genuine love not to ridicule her and turn her a laughing stock amongst her friends, neighbors and colleagues. What do i stand to gain if I ridicule her? I don't pay evil for evil. Her parents will sure get to know because I won't want them to have the impression that I used and dumped their daughter. I have fought a good fight but it all seems I am loosing in every front. When I sit back and analyze the whole thing, I can't find any grounds to stand on to begin the healing and repair of the damage done. Maybe if it had happened once, and just maybe around this time when our girl has passed the early infant age and again protection used, it will be pardonable and most likely easier too.

I thank you all and I pray when it is eventually over, God will give me a woman who will see the good man in me and hold sacred her vow, see herself as the mother of the house, make a concerted effort to be the "virtuous woman" to me as described in the bible.

I appreciate you all.

Nashville:
What I was saying about a third party is once either husband or wife is sleeping with someone else. Thats what I meant by third party. The marital vows are broken.

I agree divorce is not always the solution, but in this guys case, I think it is. The man has tried to make it work but it's not working. We are different beings, some people can handle adultery, some can't. Poster obviusly cannot!

I also disagree with the second bolded part. Why should I continue to stay married to someone who continues to commit adultery? If I do not have a wife, I will go look for one but I cannot share.