A woman in my church was having a discussion with me. She is a full housewife. Her husband won't let her do anything not even baking for sale or selling of petty items.

To the extent that she gets her offering money from her husband every Sunday. No savings. No cash in hand. She has three kids and she can't even buy them petty things when they make demands e.g. sweets, chocolates, etc.

Anytime she offends her husband, money would cease for a couple of days. That's her punishment. Each time she brings up the issue of working or trading, her husband would pick quarrel and stay away from the house for days. She is not happy. She is always lonely. She asked for my advice.

Pls advice her. Also, can you be a full housewife?

She rnt serious!

The day am sentenced to that life,is the day my spirit dies.Its a life I cannot live,the woman is enjoying it I guess.Sometimes orders have to be defiled when it's enforced with such selfishness. A man not letting his wife work in anyway is what I call WICKEDNESS!!!!The man can't even provide enough,mtcheeeewwww!!!

byvan: The day am sentenced to that life,is the day my spirit dies.Its a life I cannot live,the woman is enjoying it I guess.Sometimes orders have to be defiled when it's enforced with such selfishness. A man not letting his wife work in anyway is what I call WICKEDNESS!!!!The man can't even provide enough,mtcheeeewwww!!!

That was exectly why I said she rnt serious!
To me,no advice.when she is ready to move or had made one,u will know. Then u can advice her.
Maybe she will be ready after giving birth to a dozen! I forgot,d elder children will start providing for her even if it means engaging in bad things cos their mama is to fragile to do anything!

Her life pattern is already soo predictable.

She can decide to keep depending on him and serving her punishments.

or she can decide otherwise. She may in fact realise that she is not working only because she hasnt shown him how much she wants to.

and she might just realise that he doesnt want her to leave as much as she wants to stay.


Let her pressurise him into realising what she wants or keep mute, serving her sentence.

My little contribution is being a full house wife is among the best job for a woman to the extent that even her husband has to be paying her on a mothly/weekly basis, is not an easy job because woman determine the future of their children moral wise, education,
Look our society of today the menace is on increase, what is responsible for that lack of moral/proper upbringing of the children
Regards

mutaalim: My little contribution is being a full house wife is among the best job for a woman to the extent that even her husband has to be paying her on a mothly/weekly basis, is not an easy job because woman determine the future of their children moral wise, education,
Look our society of today the menace is on increase, what is responsible for that lack of moral/proper upbringing of the children
Regards

If d woman likes,let her stay at home forever,any child that wants to derail will derail.being a stay at home mom is not an easy road to travel on.u'l take all manner of bull crap from d man cos he's in charge.u can't go against his orders. The long and short of it is that u're sentenced to life imprisonment!


What if the man doesn't pay her on a monthly basis but just brings money that is just enuff for the upkeep of d house to d extent that the lady can't even save a penny like d case above? She should go out and find a job then and only then will the man know that she's really serious about working.

How many women of nowadays have time for their children to check their homework their schoolbags to see if they are in posession of what that does not belong to them they also busy on the island/street in the in name of making both end meet. Are they One paying the house bill is it not the responsibility Of their husand everyone has his/her own role . I am not saying a woman should not work but it must be an agreement between duo so has not to affect her ultimate responsibilty at home. Regards

@ mutaalim,in d above case,d woman isn't in agreement with the husband.the man even punishes her by not giving her money anytime the have a fight!that's cruel.how can a woman not have money to buy ordinary candy for her kids when they ask for it?he provides money for her sanitary towel too? Kai! Life imprisonment noni

Merkki: A woman in my church was having a discussion with me. She is a full housewife. Her husband won't let her do anything not even baking for sale or selling of petty items.

To the extent that she gets her offering money from her husband every Sunday. No savings. No cash in hand. She has three kids and she can't even buy them petty things when they make demands e.g. sweets, chocolates, etc.

Anytime she offends her husband, money would cease for a couple of days. That's her punishment. Each time she brings up the issue of working or trading, her husband would pick quarrel and stay away from the house for days. She is not happy. She is always lonely. She asked for my advice.

Pls advice her. Also, can you be a full housewife?

This story is just too one-sided.

It would be good to hear the husband's POV (Point Of View) and why he insists on her being a full time housewife stay at home mum. Personally, given the choice, I would rather spend as much time with my kids as possible during their formative years. I know how much it broke my heart, having to return to work after my one year maternity leave was up.

Time, is one thing that is non-recoverable. If you miss out on your kids early years, you can't ever have it back. Nothing beats the feeling of seeing your child take their first tentative step, hear them speak their first word, etc. I could go on and on about how rewarding just being there for your kids is, having a hot meal ready for them when they get back from school, sitting down with them and helping them with their homework, etc can be, but it doesn't end there.

@Op, being a full time stay at home mum (I hate the term housewife...) doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. If your friend is smart, she can think of innovative ways to make money from home. What she needs to do is organise her time and adhere to a strict timetable. So for example, if the kids are of school age and are away at school in the mornings, she can use that time to get involved in some baking (i.e: cakes, pastries, etc) or if she's got good tailoring skills, she can sew clothes for a few customers.

Take my own case for example: During my maternity leave, I made a routine for myself with the little free time I had. So, in the mornings after dropping off the younger ones at school, my baby would take a 2 hour nap after all that fresh air. I used that time to pick up my pen and got writing. I've always nursed the idea of writing long before getting married but never got round to doing it. (You know how it is, once family life, kids and hustling start, all other leisure activities tend to take a back seat - for years!) Anyway, those 2/3 hours were 'golden opportunities' for me. I made sure I wasn't distracted, would keep my phone on silent and away from me, AND get down to jotting my ideas. Sometimes, they came thick and fast other times not, for which I'll do a bit more research. Then the next morning at the same time again (with kids in school and baby asleep), I'd type out my story. It was a slow process given that I only had 2 or 3 hours in a day to do it but it was worth it.

What I intended to be a short story gradually progressed into a novel. It's near completion now, but ever since I got back to work, I've not had the time to write anything down!

So you see, the point I'm making here is that no situation is bleak. It only 'looks' bleak if you allow it to be. With a little bit of innovation, things can be turned around for the better. Now that's my take on this

@kreami diva i knew you are well trained (proper upbring) if not for the help of God then then effort of your parent. What do you think many of us will be today. The society has now become where abnormalties has now become normal
Regards

mutaalim: How many women of nowadays have time for their children to check their homework their schoolbags to see if they are in posession of what that does not belong to them they also busy on the island/street in the in name of making both end meet. Are they One paying the house bill is it not the responsibility Of their husand everyone has his/her own role . I am not saying a woman should not work but it must be an agreement between duo so has not to affect her ultimate responsibilty at home. Regards

Oh pls do stop dat women of nowadays bulshiit! What r u trying to say here? That workin mum don't go tru their children's stuff? How did u know? R u d one that help them do it? How do u know that stay at home mum do it better tha working mum?
Nawaa u o! New discovery!

@ yellowpawpaw this is not hypothesis we are saying the reality
This is all what we know
Regards.

Being a housewife has only succeeded in producing more depressed women than balanced ones,i hate to think that the purpose of my creation is just to give birth,cook,clean , scrub and be the answers to a man's prayers,wont the person start depreciating mentally?



Mutaalim,why don't you be a house husband so you can take care of those kids you love so much,let your wife bring the bacon .What's wrong with a man devoting the time he spends hanging out with his friends to taking care of his kids?

It is a means of controlling the woman. Imagine him withholding money when they quarrel. If I am the woman, I will get a job and start being my own person. If he wants to use that as a reason to leave, then so be it. Why doesn't he stay at home while I work?

@ byvan every one has his/her duties the financial aspect as In The house rent, Phcn water bill food stuff clothing the wife And children just To mention few among many others, is the MAN responsibility.
It will not befit if the revise were to be the case, Besides if the woMan is Working is not Compulsory On her to drop a peso.
Regards

If the woman is working,she has to do something for the house every now and then.a woman cannot spend years in a uni only to end up as a miserable housekeeper / nanny / cook /your personal intimacy gadget.Being out of the house sometimes airs the brain,it relieves one of psychological and physical burdens imposed by marriage.

@byvan if you read between lines am not saying she must work But not to affect her primary responsibility at home because the money she earns is For herrrrrrrrrr only not to share with the man's duties paying up the house bills e.t.c
Regards.

Taking care of the kids its a parents primary assignment not a woman's primary assignment . whoever with available time should be the babysitter,relegating all parenting duties to the woman is kinda irresponsible IMO.


Don't forget that in OP's case,the man can't even fulfill his so called primary duty well.

@ mutaalim,its not just ok to be a full time stay-at-home-mum.u can work and also make out time for the kids.Infact the husband should equally help in raising the kids! I know a lady who would wake up very early to pack the little things she sells.she'l get d children ready for school while d husband swept d compound.this woman would stay awake with the children from 7pm til 10pm,going thru the day's school work with them while the husband would be off drinking.one of those kids was so bright in school that he was given a scholarship. So why should a man deny d wife of an opportunity of being who she wants to be and unlocking her potentials


I read d story of Anoda lady whose husband insisted she should stay at home and take care of d kids.sadly,d man died in an auto crash and d drama started unfolding.the house they lived in wasn't theirs,the husband was owing d banks etc.at d end of d day,d woman was left with nothing but 4 kids to take care of.she had to move back into her parent's house with all her children and she was 40 yrs at d time.so the hazards are way too much.


Mutaalim,y do i have d feeling that ur wife is a stay-at-home-mum

@ kreami diva you Av said it all that that the lady make out time for her primary responsibility
Regards

mutaalim: @ kreami diva you Av said it all that that the lady make out time for her primary responsibility
Regards

What happened to the part where i said THE MAN WOULD GO OFF DRINKING while the woman was "doing her primary responsibility".isn't this "primary responsibility" meant to be shared?

kreami diva:

What happened to the part where i said THE MAN WOULD GO OFF DRINKING while the woman was "doing her primary responsibility".isn't this "primary responsibility" meant to be shared?

it shows the man has failed in his primary responsibility if the woman decided to take a step she must not be stopped
Regards

Thank you all.

I nearly fell into such type of Trap, in the past. Am a graduate , focused and eager to make it, with my career until I met this cool guy , we were attracted to each other, and yea, he was older and works in a very good firm, and at that point, I was still an undergraduate studying in a good university. I thot , he was the One... We are meant 2 be.. Then after 3months, he proposed I was ecstatic ....we talked about our future together , until he mentioned I have to be a full time house wife, after my Bsc degree.. I frowned at the idea , told my mum ... My mum didn't agree to it, but she told me to be calm and watch him closely,. Anytime, I ask for money he gives quite alright but grudglying.. If , we have a disagreement? Oh that day and other previous days will be the talk of my life history. And he certainly knows how 2 put one down with words..
The last straw was when I placed my foot down and told him,, I must work after my school and that was like two days to our engagement.. He looked at me with rage, why can't I be grateful that someone wants to cater for all my needs..And I mentioned, cater for my needs? oh pls ....and u will abuse me afterwards, abi?....abeg , I don't need this kind of bondage around me.. Lets just call it quits!. He was so angry, he started trashing , breaking everything in his house. I was so scared , I ran outside, hearing him screaming my name to come back.....but i didn't even stop running for a moment.. I saw a bike, climbed on it, and I went home. I got home told my mum, it's over ....marriage cancelled..when I told her everything.... She was so angry.
To cut the story short, thank God I left when I did.. Thank God, I followed one of my dreams of bn a professional....thank God, my brain is not lying wasted doing nothing..thank God, I av the means to care for myself without begging a boy frnd or fiancé ...
Abt, the op, she is married with kids already.... It's going to be very tough handling the situation...
And putting her foot down, might cause certain consequences, both of them could regret afterwards due to the children involved.
May The Lord , give her the wisdom to handle your home and also tame her husband controlling streak .

Stay home mom ko? Slavery ni? Mtcheww

Pack my kids school lunch a night before and stick then in the fridge, wakes up He bathes them and I take care breakfast while he dressed them up ( he's very good at this) , while I take my bathe and do my makeup.

I stay & chat with kids at the dining table while He gets ready. Pack the kids and divide them who goes with who. He Picks them up after work when I'm working late or vice versa. Everybody home by 6pm latest for supper or grab a take out, they will not die

Chat , do homework ( rarely now cos they're in lower grades) , they're in bed by 8 after 1 hr TV/ games and get to choose a bed time story if they're in bed 8 on the dot . Tuck them in and we continue our business.

So what does a stay home mom do that can't be achieved with proper planning Or their kids turn out better than working mom's That's the joke of the year

STay aT home gini? After all these pains and sTruggles Through uni? God forbid bad thing.

Not acceptable by me jare!

Merkki: A woman in my church was having a discussion with me. She is a full housewife. Her husband won't let her do anything not even baking for sale or selling of petty items.

To the extent that she gets her offering money from her husband every Sunday. No savings. No cash in hand. She has three kids and she can't even buy them petty things when they make demands e.g. sweets, chocolates, etc.

Anytime she offends her husband, money would cease for a couple of days. That's her punishment. Each time she brings up the issue of working or trading, her husband would pick quarrel and stay away from the house for days. She is not happy. She is always lonely. She asked for my advice.

Pls advice her. Also, can you be a full housewife?

She must be mad! Or are you sure she isn't his slave?

Daresh:
She must be mad! Or are you sure she isn't his slave?

lol...this is funny. Marriage is like a web.

Sometimes, i use to wonder if all these stay-home mums, especially the type of op's friend live in the same planet with me, imagine, asking for my powder's money from my fellow human being, imagine, not able to buy some things for my kids without involving hubby, imagine, being monetarily punished by my hubby, imagine living such a slavery life, imagine! Imagine!
Infact, how will i even be able to open my mouth to ask for some things from a fellow human being like me.
@op, your friend make herself like that, if she had insisted from the beginning that shes not comfortable with such lifestyle, she would have had her way and will be far from being treated like such trash, tell her to give herself some self-esteem by finding someting to do that will make her less dependent on the man, and if the man want to go because of that, she should please let him. Enough of slavery lifestyle. "Aye ti laju juyen lo"
May God help her.

chaircover: the truth of the matter is that many people are married to strangers. Some men are in this kind of bondage, but there are more women than men that this happens to.

They are married to men who are emotionally much stronger than them and men who dont really value the relationship as much as they do and little by little the little voice they have is eroded way until they have no voice at all.

Many many women know deep down before they say “I do” that this isn’t the right man for them, but they still let them self be pushed along by society, parents and friends who tell them to “grab the man now ooooo before someone else grabs him”

Many naively think that once the ring goes on they can change a dog to a cat. They are on to a long thing.

My question is how did these men get so hard and difficult? How can a man not see the indignity of his wife having to ask for offering money from him. My kids have pocket money and they take their church offering from that. If a kid can have pocket money, how much more a wife and a mother? . . and why doesn’t the wife who you have ordered to stay at home have access to your money?

this things you are seeing are just a result of bad and faulty foundations and sometimes it is almost impossible to fix them. Its too late for some people but hopefully some people who are about to set foot in a life time of bondage and heartache read these threads and learn from other peoples experiences. God help us all

BTW what if something happened to the man? How will the wife and children eat?

This CC is the real issue.This stay at home mum (like efe I hate the word housewife abi dont working mums live in houses too abi dem be carwife ) vs working mum thing has been rehashed and rehashed on NL that its getting boring to me.I dont like generalising but NL is beginning to make me feel that staying home or letting career take a backburner for (even for a few years like its done in the west) should be left for oyinbo suburban soccer mums .Its like its alien to our culture so there.For most Nigerians respect=earning power so its only rational that it must be extended to marriage.

Staying home does not mean you cant make money.So in cases like its the Men that have control issues.For this sort of men sef they even feel threatened if you have some sort of independence. THAT is the issue.Control fre.aks.So for me its a classic case of flawed character not necessarily the woman being lazy (like NL paints all stay at home mums).Cos why stop her from making money? These kind of people are the ones that even get angry that their wife bought something without their approval.

Single Ladies, esp in Naija shine ya eyes If he wants you to stay home pls question the motive.If possible (extreme I know) call meeting and sign document to say I will be paid xxxx amount directly to my bank account monthy so I dont have to be asking for money for pad etc.I need my dignity.

All that I typed up there na just back up, its better to thrash out why you must earn your owm money.If the reasons he is giving are odd (believe you will know, things like I cant stand another man bossing my wife around etc) just RUN