Vure: Im scared.
Im in a relationship with a man 11 years older than I am. He proposed to me just last week and it may lead to marriage.
He's a total sweetheart, loves me and I think adores me.

Everyone in my family in fond of him.
He's sooo (too) interested in my past. Who Ive been with, all my friends he wants to meet.
He's extremely kind and caring but Im scared of him. When I think of him, I get chills.
I dunno why I feel like this.

I've gone through this thread and the qualities of an Abuser before marriage are all there but then again maybe im just making it seem that way?

He hasn't given me reason to think he's an abuser tho but..... *sighs*
Well im a young girl (21) and my mouth runs alot, extremely stuborn and not a pushover at all, Im quite popular(thats what broke my last relationship) but he seems facinated by my character.
One time he said I'll have to stop speaking to most of my friends. Is it normal?

Lol... I dunno if Im wasting my time looking for things that aren't there.. Just need to talk to someone about this relationship. Its scary.

Hello.

The answer you are looking for is in your question. You should call off the relationship because you are scared of him. No doubt about it. No matter what else this is reason enough to call it off now. Reject his proposal and move on with your life. You are only 21.

Now as to whether he is an abuser, you have already told us some of the things common to most abusers. Very loving and caring in the beginning to get you hooked on them, move the relationship along quickly(he proposed already) and more importantly delving deeply into your past to find out every detail which they will turn around to use against you, and trying to control which friends you keep. Whether or not he is an abuser, do you as a 21 yr old want to become a recluse with no friends? Or are you hoping he will change his mind later?

You said you are mouthy and he is fascinated by that, well an abuser is right now fantasizing about all possible ways to bring you down a couple of notches. Also, with you being strong willed, are you really willing to let someone dictate who you can and cannot talk to?

Please end this relationship. At the very least refuse his proposal and tell him you want to take it slow, tell him you don't want to get married for another couple of years because you want to enjoy your youth. I would not be surprised if that unveils the monster in him.

Did you watch the video Wu Zetian posted a couple of pages ago? Please watch it if you haven't already.

Bottom line, you are scared of him. You see red flags. Listen to your gut and run! Don't be in denial.

Na waoo!...what a scary thread!!....how can a man who will go out of his way to woo a lady,convince her to marry him and all, turn out to be such beasts afterwards?...is it a case of being mentally unstable or just sheer wickedness??,na wa!...

@all abused women,may God be with you all and grant you the help you need at this crucial points in your lives..@babyosisi,aluta and all who have decided to lend a helping hand,God bless you all cos una too much..xoxo!

Vure:

I've gone through this thread and the qualities of an Abuser before marriage are all there but then again maybe im just making it seem that way?

Lol... I dunno if Im wasting my time looking for things that aren't there.

Again, don't be in denial. Why would you just be making it seem like he has the qualities of an abuser? If he has them he has them. That's nothing to do with you making anything. Don't get carried away by the charm and the fact that your family loves him. They are not the ones that will live with him for you. If you're not comfortable with the relationship, move on, period.

@vure.. Please which qualities exactly have you observed

Being Loving is desirable in itself except it is to lure one in

I'm concerned about your age

What are you doing at the moment

Are you through with uni

@ Vure, here's an informative article. Apparently the most telling sign that you are in an abusive relationship is fear of your partner!

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.


Signs of an abusive relationship
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.


SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP


Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?


Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?


Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?


Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

It Is Still Abuse If . . .
The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.

The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.

The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!

There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Vure: Im scared.
Im in a relationship with a man 11 years older than I am. He proposed to me just last week and it may lead to marriage.
He's a total sweetheart, loves me and I think adores me.

Everyone in my family in fond of him.
He's sooo (too) interested in my past. Who Ive been with, all my friends he wants to meet.
He's extremely kind and caring but Im scared of him. When I think of him, I get chills.
I dunno why I feel like this.

I've gone through this thread and the qualities of an Abuser before marriage are all there but then again maybe im just making it seem that way?

He hasn't given me reason to think he's an abuser tho but..... *sighs*
Well im a young girl (21) and my mouth runs alot, extremely stuborn and not a pushover at all, Im quite popular(thats what broke my last relationship) but he seems facinated by my character.
One time he said I'll have to stop speaking to most of my friends. Is it normal?

Lol... I dunno if Im wasting my time looking for things that aren't there.. Just need to talk to someone about this relationship. Its scary.

Does he stop you from seeing your friends? He may not be an abuser. My hubby is more than ten years older than me and I have never been abused one day. In fact, he made sure I went back to the university for my masters and currently going for my phd. He gave me so much independence knowing fully well I won't abuse it. He treats me like a queen, honestly. He is amazing. My family loves him so much. As far as he is concerned, my parents are his parents. He gave me a voice to speak against any injustice anyone may want to dish my way. He taught me how to speakmy mind without being insulting. I stood up to his older and younger one when they planned to abuse me because am not from their tribe. He encouraged me to speak up and today, they dare not plan or say evils against me. I think you should watch him closely, pray and then make up your mind.

Thanks so much @Ileobatojo. Ive thought along the lines of what you posted over and over again.

@Pickabeau1: Yes im through with Uni. Studied Med. Lab science and I work at a private hospital he recommended me to. He sponsored my education cos my parents were not financially stable at the time hence my hesitation to leave the relationship.

The qualities:
He doesn't hesitate to assist me financially. Its like im solely dependent on him. Lord knows im not.
He thinks all my decisions are childish and doesn't take me seriously.
He's very possesive of me, takes me out to where ever I want to go(or sends the driver), would insist if I refuse but then let it go if Im adamant.
He's obsessed with the fact that im a virgin and likes to think he would break it. Says he wud kill any guy that comes near me.

Hmm..

Not sure Being possessive or jealous is not always a sign of abuse but threatening to kill is a flag


you have to check your heart and trust your womanly intuition

Maybe you should keep things slow for a while and observe_ you are still young

Good perspective from nogen

Nogen:

Does he stop you from seeing your friends? He may not be an abuser. My hubby is more than ten years older than me and I have never been abused one day. In fact, he made sure I went back to the university for my masters and currently going for my phd. He gave me so much independence knowing fully well I won't abuse it. He treats me like a queen, honestly. He is amazing. My family loves him so much. As far as he is concerned, my parents are his parents. He gave me a voice to speak against any injustice anyone may want to dish my way. He taught me how to speakmy mind without being insulting. I stood up to his older and younger one when they planned to abuse me because am not from their tribe. He encouraged me to speak up and today, they dare not plan or say evils against me. I think you should watch him closely, pray and then make up your mind.

Thanks alot ma'am.
He doesn't stop me from seeing friends directly but from his reactions whenever I go out he really hates me being with them..
At times he just suddenly comes up with this great urgency to hang out and thats especially when Im 'sposed to be with my friends.

.

Jealousy or trying to insulate you?

You have to still trust your instincts

Observe

Is it possible to track an ex-girlfriend of this man of yours to get some up close information

You can use a third party so that acid tinz will not flow

Ensure you don't resign from that job no matter what

kenyattamoore: @Aluta and all those who contacted my friend, thank you very much. I don't know how to repay you for using your money to call long distance. This makes me cry for joy, complete strangers helping me without any thing in return. My friend contact me, she said she going to send me ticket before the end of this week and I will travel.
Pickbeau, lashawn, ileo, swagqueen and all those who contribute to this post with advises and useful information s ,from the bottom of my heart , I say thanks for everything.
I will come here if everything works fine and give update.

Goose pimples,goose pimples,goose pimples.......... Gawd!

Insha Allah,everything will work out fine! God be with you.

pickabeau1: Jealousy or trying to insulate you?

You have to still trust your instincts

Observe

Is it possible to track an ex-girlfriend of this man of yours to get some up close information

You can use a third party so that acid tinz will not flow

Ensure you don't resign from that job no matter what

I don't know which. Honestly.
He gets really angry if I hang out with friends or go out without his knowledge.(I dont live with him) And in his anger he yells at me and almost immediately he apologizes.

He doesn't have any exes im aware of. According to him, no girl ever worth that much attention till he met me 5 years ago..

I wont resign from the Job.

ileobatojo: @ Vure, here's an informative article. Apparently the most telling sign that you are in an abusive relationship is fear of your partner!

Thanks. Ive gone through the article. It helps alot.

Vure: Thanks so much @Ileobatojo. Ive thought along the lines of what you posted over and over again.

@Pickabeau1: Yes im through with Uni. Studied Med. Lab science and I work at a private hospital he recommended me to. He sponsored my education cos my parents were not financially stable at the time hence my hesitation to leave the relationship.

The qualities:
He doesn't hesitate to assist me financially. Its like im solely dependent on him. Lord knows im not.
He thinks all my decisions are childish and doesn't take me seriously.
He's very possesive of me, takes me out to where ever I want to go(or sends the driver), would insist if I refuse but then let it go if Im adamant.
He's obsessed with the fact that im a virgin and likes to think he would break it. Says he wud kill any guy that comes near me.

Watch.observe,be careful. The fact that he thanks you're childish is because he's older than you.

@ Vure,When i met my husband,the first thing he said to me was, "now that you've finished,the next thing you'll do is to enroll for your masters degree programme."

I thought he was rare as he was interested in my future! Hahaha. They do somethings just to lure you. He's prolly obsessed with you because you're a virgin.

Please DO NOT RUSH INTO MARRIAGE!!! GIVE YOURSELF SOMETIME AND SEE AS THINGS UNFOLD.

With time,yelling may turn into verbal abuse and of course,the physical follows.

Vure: Thanks so much @Ileobatojo. Ive thought along the lines of what you posted over and over again.

@Pickabeau1: Yes im through with Uni. Studied Med. Lab science and I work at a private hospital he recommended me to. He sponsored my education cos my parents were not financially stable at the time hence my hesitation to leave the relationship.

The qualities:
He doesn't hesitate to assist me financially. Its like im solely dependent on him. Lord knows im not.
He thinks all my decisions are childish and doesn't take me seriously.
He's very possesive of me, takes me out to where ever I want to go(or sends the driver), would insist if I refuse but then let it go if Im adamant.
He's obsessed with the fact that im a virgin and likes to think he would break it. Says he wud kill any guy that comes near me.

There are some concerns, yes, but you have not successfully communicated the severity in this post. Basically, if I try to read between the lines, he sponsored your education, spends on you and now acts as if he owns you and you are his property. He feels your virginity belongs to him and that he has bought it. It doesn't seem too bad, yet it's enough to make you uncomfortable.

I will say that the fact that he sponsored your education, got you a job and has been doing lots of financial favors (seemingly in exchange for your hand in marriage) throws a wrench in things. It naturally makes you question whether you 'used' him financially and now want to dump him for a younger model vs whether you are really concerned for abuse, or both. This is likely why you are so conflicted.

Well you know the truth in your heart. Not a great situation to be in. Ideally though it's not the best to marry someone out of pity or a feeling that you owe him marriage because you might be miserable, abuse or not. Ideally, he should not sponsor your education 'in exchange' for a relationship because people can change their minds. If you're not sure what you want to do, then you need to stop accepting financial favors from him for now and slow down. Time may be the decider here.



I typed up the above reply a while ago but couldn't post it due to connection problems. Now I see you've added some extra comments about him yelling at you for going out without his knowledge and then apologizing immediately, making up excuses to show up when you're supposed to be hanging out with friends and now I have no doubt he is an abuser and will only get worse. The choice is yours to make.

swag queen:
Please DO NOT RUSH INTO MARRIAGE!!! GIVE YOURSELF SOMETIME AND SEE AS THINGS UNFOLD.

With time,yelling may turn into verbal abuse and of course,the physical follows.

Exactly! With time, things will start to unfold.

There's no how he won't have any ex gf
There's something iffy no doubt but he may not be an abuser just someone with anger issues.

Give it time

It is well

Vure:



I don't know which. Honestly.
He gets really angry if I hang out with friends or go out without his knowledge.(I dont live with him) And in his anger he yells at me and almost immediately he apologizes.

He doesn't have any exes im aware of. According to him, no girl ever worth that much attention till he met me 5 years ago..

I wont resign from the Job.

Vure:

Thanks. Ive gone through the article. It helps alot.

Give it time and follow your heart. The age difference does make for him acting daddy like, and he may not necessary have abusive tendencies just temper issues and all. Do you love him?

ileobatojo:

There are some concerns, yes, but you have not successfully communicated the severity in this post. Basically, if I try to read between the lines, he sponsored your education, spends on you and now acts as if he owns you and you are his property. He feels your virginity belongs to him and that he has bought it. It doesn't seem too bad, yet it's enough to make you uncomfortable.

I will say that the fact that he sponsored your education, got you a job and has been doing lots of financial favors (seemingly in exchange for your hand in marriage) throws a wrench in things. It naturally makes you question whether you 'used' him financially and now want to dump him for a younger model vs whether you are really concerned for abuse, or both. This is likely why you are so conflicted.

Well you know the truth in your heart. Not a great situation to be in. Ideally though it's not the best to marry someone out of pity or a feeling that you owe him marriage because you might be miserable, abuse or not. Ideally, he should not sponsor your education 'in exchange' for a relationship because people can change their minds. If you're not sure what you want to do, then you need to stop accepting financial favors from him for now and slow down. Time may be the decider here.

This right here! This is my major problem!

I feel like Im indebted to him.

Vure:
The qualities:

He doesn't hesitate to assist me financially. Its like im solely dependent on him. Lord knows im not.
He thinks all my decisions are childish and doesn't take me seriously.
He's very possesive of me, takes me out to where ever I want to go(or sends the driver), would insist if I refuse but then let it go if Im adamant.
He's obsessed with the fact that im a virgin and likes to think he would break it. Says he wud kill any guy that comes near me.

Do you ask him for money or does he just offer to help you?
Try this; if there's something he usually spends on (for you), suggest to do it yourself & watch his reaction. Note that if he agrees, you'll have to continue doing it yourself. This will allow you have some financial authority in the relationship. You can then increase it gradually. I don't support a man having to carry the entire financial burden in a relationship.

Also if he is threatening to kill the any guy who hurts you, its completely different from him threatening to kill YOU if you hurt him, so take note of his exact words.

Vure:


This right here! This is my major problem!

I feel like Im indebted to him.

I completely understand. It's natural to feel that way. It is puts you in a very difficult situation as a human with a conscience. But you have to find a way to look past that and clearly visualize what your future with him will look like. If you take the decision to leave, perhaps making a plan to pay him back for your education if he insists would help? You may just have to come up with a sly way to get yourself out of the relationship. I don't have a great answer. Did you accept his proposal? Start by putting that on hold. And stop letting him spend his money on you. Start taking care of yourself financially.

Vure:


This right here! This is my major problem!

I feel like Im indebted to him.

This is a lesson to us parents . . . .

Please, strive to provide for your children so that no man will hold them under this kind of captivity . . .

You are indebted to him . . . you owe him every single naira he spent on you because he's not your father.

But you don't have to pay him back by staying with him . . . . . you can pay him back in cash (if that's what he wants). Now that you have a job, you need to work out how to pay him back in other to get back your independence.

Please don't marry him out of duty . . . .

pickabeau1:
There's no how he won't have any ex gf

I agree. Try to find out about his exs too & why things didn't work out with them. Get as much detail as possible, it'll help you understand his kind of person.

Ujujoan:

This is a lesson to us parents . . . .

Please, strive to provide for your children so that no man will hold them under this kind of captivity . . .

You are indebted to him . . . you owe him every single naira he spent on you because he's not your father.

It's a big problem. Also a lesson to girls too. If you're not a cold hearted gold digger that can dump the guy at any time without guilt, better to work it out yourself somehow than to enslave yourself to a man that you may fall out of love with before the course is over. Even the gold digging ones too are risky.

Ujujoan:

But you don't have to pay him back by staying with him . . . . . you can pay him back in cash (if that's what he wants). Now that you have a job, you need to work out how to pay him back in other to get back your independence.

Please don't marry him out of duty . . . .

Exactly.

ileobatojo:

It's a big problem. Also a lesson to girls too. If you're not a cold hearted gold digger that can dump the guy at any time without guilt, better to work it out yourself somehow than to enslave yourself to a man that you may fall out of love with before the course is over. Even the gold digging ones too are risky.
Exactly.

What worries me about her case is her age . . .

She started dating this man 5 years ago and she's 21 now . . . meaning she was 17 when it started.

What kind of parents lets their teenage daughter date a man 11 years older because of money.

I know people are poor but we need to protect our children especially our girls . . .

This is enslavement waiting to happen . . . . so so sad!

pickabeau1: There's no how he won't have any ex gf
There's something iffy no doubt

@vure,if he says he doesn't have any ex,why you now?

Vure:



I don't know which. Honestly.
He gets really angry if I hang out with friends or go out without his knowledge.(I dont live with him) And in his anger he yells at me and almost immediately he apologizes.

He doesn't have any exes im aware of. According to him, no girl ever worth that much attention till he met me 5 years ago..

I wont resign from the Job.

I'd be concerned about his possessiveness if I were you. Because one of the most telling signs is when a man is over possessive to the point of alienating you from your friends and family.
And Like Ileo said, he just might be fascinated with How to 'tame the shrew', infact that was the first thought that Came to my mind when I saw that he was fascinated with your character. Nothing sweeter to them like breaking a woman with strong spirit and Seeing her wilt before their very eyes.

However, I don't want to jump to conclusions. Within you, you have the answers you seek. I didn't need anyone to tell me when I was in an abusive situation. I just didnt have a name for it. I read a lot and I saw a book talking of seven different types of dangerous men. I knew my ex would fall under one of them. But I avoided the book like a plague Because I wasn't ready to face the truth. It was after I broke up, that I got the book.

Again, my ex told me at the honeymoon period that I was different from other girls and if another man tried snatching me, heads would roll. At the time, it felt good being the object of such adoration. But it was only a matter other time before he realised I was a fellow woman not worthy of respect. I would ask you to watch carefully and see How he treats OTHER women. Waitresses, female colleagues, girls hanging out on their own, mum, sisters. How does he view them? what are the roles he feels they should function within?

Ujujoan:

What worries me about her case is her age . . .

She started dating this man 5 years ago and she's 21 now . . . meaning she was 17 when it started.

What kind of parents lets their teenage daughter date a man 11 years older because of money.

I know people are poor but we need to protect our children especially our girls . . .

This is enslavement waiting to happen . . . . so so sad!

Uju,u make so much sense. My youngest sister is 23 she's through with school and youth service but unemployed and has this guy that wants to marry her. Nice guy and all gentle etc. But I'm scared for her. All these young girls should take it easy on marriage so that they don't rush out after sometime. One should be emotionally prepared for this life long journey with a man that has different upbringing and ideals with you.

Eish! I don't know if I'm making sense but na so e dey me for mind!

I know the world is hard to survive in, but letting a BF take care of your daughter's financial needs from the age of 17, is embarassing to say the least.

What exactly does parenting mean?