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My Husband Is Always Running / Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. / My Husband Is Killing Me Slowly (2) (3) (4)
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| Re: ............. by twogood: 12:03pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
Turning down your husband's sexual advances is criminal. That's how i feel about it. You're his wife, where else shd he get sexual satisfaction. Reduce his crimes to being lazy and unscrupulous with money but don't add salt to it. |
| Re: ............. by eyitayoemmanuel: 12:10pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
@twogood: I know it isn't right to turn down his intimate advances but you don't know what I'm going thru. I'm human as well, how can I enjoy sex without being happy, is it ok for him to neglect his responsibilities? You asked where else he shld get intimate satisfaction?where else does he want me to get cash to fund the family because at the moment, I am very very broke. Does he care where I get extra cash? 2 Likes |
| Re: ............. by DonHummer(m): 12:12pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
pray hard..... Think ahead..... Then act without sentiments |
| Re: ............. by keepingmum: 12:13pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
hmmm, poster i empathize with you. I am in exactly the same boat as you except i have been married 9yrs plus now (hubby been jobless 7yrs plus) and you have family members that at least you can run to for large sums of money i don't. My child is already 7yrs i cant have another child because we cant afford to. Not that i am comparing my marriage with others but people who married after we did already have 3 kids (we had planned on 3 kids before). It is well with you and God will guide you aright. After several promises, sweet and hard talks, deadlines, In march this year, i stopped sleeping with hubby and hell let loose. After the storm, he has gotten used to the fact that i am not bulging. I still send him job application emails, still cook and clean and do everything else except shags!! He accused me of belittling him, not having faith/confidence in him, not been a supportive wife, bla bla bla (btw this is someone who alongside his family supported his sister to dump her hubby of 3 yrs after the guy lost his job for 10 months oo) i just developed thick skin and focused on my job & child and maintaining peace in my home bar the koko . Fast forward to the autumn, I gave him till next year march to start earning an income either via business/employment, he huffed and puffed again and has made promises to deal with me once he starts working. I ignored and didn’t even argue with him. I have carried on everything as per usual and the peace of mind I have in me now is just great. He has realised that I have changed and I don’t seem bothered anymore nor do I seem interested in fighting so he’s now buckled up becos the deadline is fast approaching and he isn’t getting shagged which perhaps seems to be the motiviating factor (who knows). With time we’ll see if I made the right choice so I wish you well and I pray God through his mercies answers us all. 5 Likes |
| Re: ............. by Enahi(f): 12:21pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
This your hussy love u o,he sha allowed u to still have little access to ur money. My advice always give him the whole of your salary every month ok,God loves a cheerful giver. Givers never lack. |
| Re: ............. by eyitayoemmanuel: 12:23pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
@keepingmum: Wonders they say shall never end. I don't know what this world is turning into, men of now adays! Men like this have sweet mouth indeed, they make empty promises. I agree with you on everything you said but please you don't need to stop baby production because of cash. You need to start trying for another baby. |
| Re: ............. by StateOfMind: 12:28pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
eyitayoemmanuel: NB: These days I feel so unhappy and turn him down whenever he asks for sex. He has no shame at all, he keeps coming every now and then for sex. Each time I complain of anything he tells me I cant be there for him cos he has small financial issues. Don't let him blackmail you. From your narration, you have done more than enough for this man;paying rent for 2yrs, lending huge sum for business even after largely contributing to pay off his huge debt. Did he call what he's going through small financial crises? I wonder what small means to him then. And why are some posters saying you should be giving him some amount monthly? Is he working for you? What exactly is he doing with the money? Madam, go to your banks and block your atm cards, change you password too like some posters have suggested and be the only signatory to your account. How can you be working your ass off while someone would just be chopping ur money? And you end up being the broke one? Even men would not tolerate this from a woman in this century not to talk of a woman tolerating this. if he wants to keep lazing about without a dime, let him be. With time, he'd return to his senses. And if he doesn't, his loss. Just make sure you start doing the right thing-save your money. You sure don't want your child to suffer. 5 Likes |
| Re: ............. by eyitayoemmanuel: 12:33pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
@stateofmind: Thanks a lot, God Bless you! |
| Re: ............. by Nobody: 12:36pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
eyitayoemmanuel: @keepingmum: Wonders they say shall never end. I don't know what this world is turning into, men of now adays! Men like this have sweet mouth indeed, they make empty promises. I agree with you on everything you said but please you don't need to stop baby production because of cash. You need to start trying for another baby. No ma'am. She did the responsible thing. Babies cost money and should be appropriately planned for. 5 Likes |
| Re: ............. by StateOfMind: 12:38pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
..And I'm quite sure this man does not help around in the house. I'm sure you still cook his food, clean the house and take care of your baby alone. What does that make you? A husband and a wife n a mother all in one body. Except you prove me wrong though. Majority of the Men in this situation will keep on nagging and telling those who care to listen that their wives have changed just because they are going through 'little' financial crises, when they are the ones with the problem. Figurehead husbands. 4 Likes |
| Re: ............. by Nobody: 12:40pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
2 Likes |
| Re: ............. by keepingmum: 12:45pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
@ Poster - i cant try for another child i would be VERY foolish to do that. i wear the shoes and i know where it hurts the most. I made the decision after discovering he had been sending half hearted job applications cos i was wondering why he gets only 1 interview per year. (living abroad is expensive) i cant save enough, i have no savings. Most of the savings ends up going to the UKBA when extending our visas every couple of years and the rest goes into hubby's new business ventures/ideas. Imagine i got married to him yet i had to work and pay my tuition through university because he wont pay my fees (he was on scholarship for his own studies). This is a man that from my little salary, i pay my tithe and still put him on 10% allowances of my income monthly o. So far, the no shags rule seems to have really hit him hard becos initially he thought i would budge and seeing that 6 months after, no show, he is becoming more frustrated but also serious about his job applications. Infact, i sent him a link for a job today and he replied saying he would apply for it on saturday as he has penciled 6 applications he needs to send before close of day today and as he has to amend his CV to fit those applications, he might not get to the link i sent him till tomorrow. they say marriage is for better or worse - but i have told him its cant be so if the "worse" is self inflicted and there arent any steps been taken to remedy the worse 6 Likes |
| Re: ............. by eyitayoemmanuel: 12:46pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
@stateofmind: He actually assists with house chores to be honest, he's good at that. 1 Like |
| Re: ............. by Nobody: 12:47pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
| Re: ............. by keepingmum: 12:48pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
Yes @ CC - na england we dey oo. We are both non citizens so get no benefits either |
| Re: ............. by Nobody: 12:56pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
| Re: ............. by StateOfMind: 1:02pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
eyitayoemmanuel: @stateofmind: He actually assists with house chores to be honest, he's good at that. Okay, good to hear he helps at the home, I was proved wrong, lol. Please Re-read and digest chaircover's post, she proffered practicable solutions. There's definitely a way forward. |
| Re: ............. by Acidosis(m): 1:19pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
bellong: Sister, christianity does not stop us from doing what is necessary and right. Infact, it strengthens us to do the right thing. Bible says, a man that cannot provide for his household is worse than an infidel. Suffice it to say that you are an accomplice in his laziness. ^ ^ This |
| Re: ............. by Acidosis(m): 1:33pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
Here is the solution to your crisis: Tell your husband you want to resign.. If possible, type a resignation letter as a proof to what you intend to do. His reactions will determine the next step. 1 Like |
| Re: ............. by jaybee3(m): 1:37pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
I think most of the people here have already adviced you accordingly on the best approach to take concerning the matter at hand. Here is how I would advice you go about it Sit him down and make him understand in a firm/concise manner how the current situation has to stop and how he has to accept your non negotiable proposal on immediate/medium term. Immediate Plan Retrive your ATM cards from him – You are not his slave but his wife Open a joint account – This is necessary so you can tightly control your expenses. All bills should be paid from this account Do up a monthly expense analysis – If he has absolutely no income then be prepared to pay for all the essentials (accommodation, food) for an agreed period. I will suggest 6 months or thereabout. Agree an interim monthly upkeep – As an example, if you are left with 50K after all expense has been taken care of, give him 10% of that and save the rest. Medium term You expect him to have an income within 3-6 months Withdraw the monetary upkeep support you give him within 3-6 months Reduce your monetary contribution to the upkeep of the family in stages (You can do a gradual 5-10% incremental withdrawal up until he is able to shoulder the majority ) All the best 3 Likes |
| Re: ............. by eyitayoemmanuel: 1:42pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
Thanks guys 1 Like |
| Re: ............. by Ohibenemma(m): 1:48pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
www.nairaland.com/1344769/really-love#18742326 On the topic; marriage is symbiotic, any form of parasitism should be discouraged-whether from the man or woman. Enough advices already. I wish you the best. |
| Re: ............. by Adesuwag(m): 1:50pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
eyitayoemmanuel: NB: These days I feel so unhappy and turn him down whenever he asks for sex. He has no shame at all, he keeps coming every now and then for sex. Each time I complain of anything he tells me I cant be there for him cos he has small financial issues.So him pr!ck still dey stand? 2 Likes |
| Re: ............. by Tinkybabe(f): 2:00pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
jay bee: I think most of the people here have already adviced you accordingly on the best approach to take concerning the matter at hand. The emboldened..Joint account for what?after the access he has to her personal account she should then open a joint account making him a signatory to the account..Mba nu! OP,your siblings are right,you definitely spoilt this man..Kai!I'm so gutted for you..He is just an irresponsible man who has decided to be a leech..I know it's not in my place to call your husband names but,I mean,this is the height of irresponsibility  You need to apply tough love like someone said,does he even realise he's a family man at all?Living off his wife? I don't know how you intend going about it but you need to withdraw all the stipends you give him..Stop indulging him if you want the best for him and your family.. What nonsense..I'm angry sha 2 Likes |
| Re: ............. by Nobody: 2:09pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
eyitayoemmanuel: @stateofmind: He actually assists with house chores to be honest, he's good at that. Maybe you guys need to change the whole marriage structure. He being a house husband and you being the provider. You put him on a meagre allowance, he takes care of the house and the kids while you work. Just a suggestion till his senses come back. 4 Likes |
| Re: ............. by jaybee3(m): 2:16pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
Tinkybabe:How do you propose they pay the bills in the short term? I mean over here most bills are done via direct debit hence my suggestion that one should be opened for this reason alone Tinkybabe: I agree that the OP needs to apply tough love but IMO, applying tough love without systematically delivering it will only lead to other issues. |
| Re: ............. by Omeife2: 2:23pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
I will like to start by asking everyone who has nothing useful to say, but insults and blame to stop commenting on this. That's very disrespectful, and inhumane. Op , you are in a complicated situation as emotions, and family is involved. I can give u blanket answers to some of your questions, but the truth is a closer scrutiny of the situation is needed by a much respected counselor. You alone know the real personality of your husband, as such you know what strategies will work best on him. But my dear, seek counsel, and seek it fast. Nairalanders can at best give you speculative and generic answers. |
| Re: ............. by Tinkybabe(f): 2:26pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
jay bee: The guy doesn't even bring anything to the table..The OP is responsible for everything. 1 Like |
| Re: ............. by Nobody: 2:34pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
OP, you're the one who has been enabling him., e.g. giving him access to all your ATMs. You said you would be in the office and receiving withdrawal alerts!). You loaned him your brother's money for a business, which didn't succeed. You then gave him N2.5million for another business, which also went down the drain. The fact that he didn't want to tell you how he spent the money and he got angry whenever you asked is dishonest. You offered to pay for him to continue doing his professional exams so he could move forward, but he refused. The company he was working for called him back for work, but he turned them down! Him warning you not to tell anyone what's going on is a bad idea. You said he also brags when he's not even the one who has been working for the money he is spending recklessly! He wants to keep everything in the closet and continue this destructive behaviour of eating all your money. Stop enabling him! You just had a baby, so at this time he should be doing his best to provide for you and making sure you and your child are comfortable. He is not doing that; he's not even doing anything at all. Whatever you do, make sure you set your eyes on you child's future and his/her well-being. Don't let it get to the point where you will not have a roof over your heads all because of a lazy, undisciplined man. He needs to get a job. I would not listen to the individual who said you should get a joint-account, my dear you will just find yourself on the streets, so please do not do that. Seek the help of a financial advisor and tell him/her what's going on. They will look at your accounts and further advice you. If he doesn't want to go along with you because he's proud or doesn't think he has a problem, then you go alone. At this point, you want to do what is best for yourself and new baby. 2 Likes |
| Re: ............. by jaybee3(m): 2:34pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
Tinkybabe:That's obvious but you still haven't proffered a solution on how they go about paying their bills in the short term. The man is only comfortable with the current situation because he has been allowed to get away with him being less of a man time and time again. To change a man like that has to be tactful if leaving him is not an option. |
| Re: ............. by Amandianaeze: 2:44pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
@ i can't doubt ur believe in the epistle of peaceful marriage i.e is y u have sacrificed so much in your marriage and subsequently claim the main responsibility of ur hubby financially buh becos u now have a child i suggest you clam hard on him and close that account.save for the upkeep of ur children becos this kinda of man can make little or no contribution in the training of your children. He is a staunch lazy fellow and can do any thing to resist you from asking him 2 work harder.....cuz his own laziness is inbuilt . 1 Like |
| Re: ............. by eyitayoemmanuel: 2:49pm On Oct 11, 2013 |
Opening a secret account is a must for me at this point but sincerely I never planned to be secretive to my husband. 1 Like |
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