i dont think u should leave ur marriage, talk to ur husband when he is in a good mood. Not immediately after another episode of insults, and if u have spoken to him severally and he still insists on insulting them even with ur children present, then u wud have to try ignoring him till he realises u are not speaking to him and when u see he is ready to make-up then u can tell him ur feelings once again. explaining to him the effect it would have on your children growing up, they may end insulting the both of u, thereby becoming rebelious since it is tradion to do so. kids tend to imitate adults especially when it is their parents. whatever goes around, comes around u know, .he should know this. Dont go insulting his parents because it would only aggregate issues, i wish u all the best.

i dont think u should leave ur marriage, talk to ur husband when he is in a good mood. Not immediately after another episode of insults, and if u have spoken to him severally and he still insists on insulting them  even with ur children present, then u wud have to try ignoring him till he realises u are not speaking to him and when u see he is ready to make-up then u can tell him ur feelings once again. explaining to him the effect it would have on  your children growing up,  they may end up insulting the both of u, thereby becoming rebelious since it is tradition to do so. kids tend to imitate adults especially when it is their parents. whatever goes around, comes around u know, .he should know this. Dont go insulting his parents because it would only aggregate issues, i wish u all the best.

same here, but i am nigerian and so is my husband ,but i come from a wealthy home my, my husband is always bad mouthing my parents all because when we find ourselves in financial situations he expects me to go to them for mony and when i dont it is constant abuse, but mum keeps saying marriage is for life, so i got to stay.

Are you married to one of those loud mouth men who dont know how to be respectful even to elders? Why do you have to put up with it? No one says you should leave him but something has got to give. I cant tell you how to stop him. I dont know him or how loud his mouth is. Figure something out. By the way insulting his parents wont solve anything.( Even though he'll probably fly into a rage as if his own parents deserve more respect than yours)

oyindaries:

same here, but i am nigerian and so is my husband ,but i come from a wealthy home my, my husband is always bad mouthing my parents all because when we find ourselves in financial situations he expects me to go to them for mony and when i dont it is constant abuse, but mum keeps saying marriage is for life, so i got to stay.

hmmm. This your husband.

Anyway, just do the submission thing and all that. So they dont say you're being stuck up because of your background.

spoilt:

Are you married to one of those loud mouth men who dont know how to be respectful even to elders? Why do you have to put up with it? No one says you should leave him but something has got to give. I cant tell you how to stop him. I dont know him or how loud his mouth is. Figure something out. By the way insulting his parents wont solve anything.( Even though he'll probably fly into a rage as if his own parents deserve more respect than yours)

True dat.

@poster
Has he always been like that?

lets be honest, we all know why your father never "accepted" the union.
i am too familiar with this problem and poster should put herself in her husbands shoes. YOUR parents are racist and as much as it pains you to hear it, thats a simple fact! he married YOU and therefore he has absolutely NO OBLIGATION to be nice towards your parents or to not have his own opinion about them. you should let your parents know how this man feels about them AND WHY!!!!!!!!
my ex parents were just like yours and i didnt miss a beat to insult their sorry ass whenever their names was brought up.
IF SOMEONE IS BOLD ENOUGH TO JUDGE A MAN"S CHARACTER BY THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN THEN THIS PERSON HAS NO VALUE IN MY MIND, in law or not!
insulting your parents would never solve anything BECAUSE there is shouldnt have been any problem, your parents created one. insulting them is just a way of feeling better about this whole situation i guess.
there is no reason why your husband should be "nice" to them for your sake and when the kids grow older and understand the situation, i hope your husband explain to them WHY he feels that way!
ps: thats just the opinion of someone who has been in your husbands shoes.

i know it can be painful when you are being discriminated by a fellow human being just because of colour difference,but i still think if the man actually loves his wife,why hurt her feeling so much?if she is not like her folks and she cares about him,then he should accept things the way they are and hope that one day,it will get better.why should she go to her parents for financial assistance,what if he was married to a nigerian woman,will he want her to go and get financial help from her parents?so is it because she is from a rich home?in all, i just think she does not deserve all his bad mouth.

//

There are 3 sides to every story. We dont know the attitude of her father in-law towards him. He may be worse for all we know.

@ Poster

What your husband is doing is called emotional abuse. It is just as bad as physical abuse. You need to find out if your husband is happy being married to you because if he isn't, frankly, it is only going to get worse. You need some help. If you are a christian, perhaps you should talk to your spiritual leader and also pray to God to cause changes in your relationship. If you are not, seek professional help from a counsellor. Good luck.

ekakids:

i know it can be painful when you are being discriminated by a fellow human being just because of colour difference,but i still think if the man actually loves his wife,why hurt her feeling so much?if she is not like her folks and she cares about him,then he should accept things the way they are and hope that one day,it will get better.why should she go to her parents for financial assistance,what if he was married to a nigerian woman,will he want her to go and get financial help from her parents?so is it because she is from a rich home?in all, i just think she does not deserve all his bad mouth.

the HUSBAND doesnt hurt her feeling by SAYING what is the truth, HER father is the one to blame for her misery. why people think that sweeping problem under the carpet is going to solve anything?! the only thing it is going to solve is the fact that the wife will be happier but not the husband!!!!
is marriage not about sharing? so these things should be out in the open so everybody REMEMBERS/KNOWS where everyone's place IS.
NO MAN should be forced to be nice to someone who doesnt deserve it.
the poster 's problem is her parents not her husband. she made a choice to marry this man despite the fact that her parents were racists. did they suddenly change?! no! so therefore why would what husband think of them should change. the only way to solve this problem would be for daugther to try and change her parents mind, NOT HUSBANDS!

this guy married this lady FOR HER, not for her parents so he has all the rights to not give a DAMN about them and say what is the T R U T H.
yes, it is not nice to hear your spouse insulting your parents but if he calls them racist bastards, is that not what they are?! shouldnt man call a spade, A SPADE?  who said that love means you shouldnt have an opinion about something as obvious as that?

If you counter his insluts of your parent with one for his parents and he doesnt see anything wrong then there is no hope. but if he reacts then you can pick on it and tell him that is how it hurts everytime he insults your parents too.
It worked for my husband

but remeber there is an attitude to it, so dont over do it and end up having to apologize

Just an observation: pple should be careful how they give n take advices here.
Why are pple always so quick to say[b], end the marriage, leave his sorry ass, etc[/b]
Do u really understand what marriage is? do u tink its bf/gf?, are u mad?
pple like ifyalways n others shuld have a different outlook on life.
Pls let us stop bringin those failed marriages/divorce syndrom to Africa/Naija.

$osisi:

I like this approach and don't know if I would insult his parents in return.
Wouldn't solve any problems really but I'll talk to him about how this whole thing makes me feel and how much it hurts and if he continues
well God gave me a mouth and I will use it
I will unleash this my tongue and he won't survive the pain.

_{I'll tell him his package is too small,that he's the size of a 2B/HB pencil}

yeah!, very gud advice.
If u were my wife , i'll give you a resounding slap!, whatever happened to being submissive?

@poster
u've just narrated your own side of the story.

Naija men!

MRbrownJAY:

the HUSBAND doesnt hurt her feeling by SAYING what is the truth, HER father is the one to blame for her misery. why people think that sweeping problem under the carpet is going to solve anything?! the only thing it is going to solve is the fact that the wife will be happier but not the husband!!!!
is marriage not about sharing? so these things should be out in the open so everybody REMEMBERS/KNOWS where everyone's place IS.
NO MAN should be forced to be nice to someone who doesnt deserve it.
the poster 's problem is her parents not her husband. she made a choice to marry this man despite the fact that her parents were racists. did they suddenly change?! no! so therefore why would what husband think of them should change. the only way to solve this problem would be for daugther to try and change her parents mind, NOT HUSBANDS!

this guy married this lady FOR HER, not for her parents so he has all the rights to not give a DAMN about them and say what is the T R U T H.
yes, it is not nice to hear your spouse insulting your parents but if he calls them racist bastards, is that not what they are?! shouldnt man call a spade, A SPADE?  who said that love means you shouldnt have an opinion about something as obvious as that?

Just like the female Artist ASA said'' LIFE IS NOT ABOUT YOUR POLICIES ALL THE TIME''. Two wrongs don't make a right. The lady's parents have their fault but the man should realize that not all parents must be like his parents. He knew the wife's father was a racist before he went ahead to say I do. In Life, you must be ready to lose some , to win some. ''IF'' he is interested in having a happy home, he must ignore what his inlaws say and concentrate on his family. That does not make him a lesser man. He should realize he must cover up in the area of his wife's weakness and that includes the aspect of her parents.

@ poster
You must wear a thick skin like other African women do. Never think of insulting him or his parents. The maturity you display will help the situation. You will be a failure and a coward to back out of the marriage only for this issue. Most homes face worse problems but they are still standing firm. Just be prayerful and continue loving him.

how can people be so judgmental. You have not heard the Naija man story( our brother) and you are concluding and some people are saying she should leave her husband, The guy really loved the girl that was why he stood with her when his father in law rejected him and i am sure the InLaw makes him look so much like an outcast and they fustrate him over and over again, We all Nigerians know that its better to have your wife taking care of kids., Abi why the Oyinbo no sabi take care of them, The guy was brought up been raised by is mama so he wants the same for his children.
Marriage is all about endurance, perseverance and more of a team work/ both needs to keep working at it to make the team perfect.

Please don't leave ur husband for any reason, I understand ur feelings but u just continue to pray for him and am sure
God will change him. Do this because of the love u said u av for him and because of your children.

@ poster
for you to be seeking for advice here   you must have gone thru very tough time in his hands (9ja man for that matter lol) please dont give up, dont feel tired or worthless. This is the time to take your wedding vows seriously "In sickness and in health till death do its part" as its obvious his not alright with the way he treat your parent. As a Christan, i would not encourage divore of any sort however you can leave him for a short period of time and demand that he seek help to get better or continue down the slippery slope of a degenerate lifestyle. please allow time to help you determine his future and yours. Remain faithful to your husband in your separation, and you will not have sinned.Hopefully he would change and learn the basic respect needed to maintain his role in your family

_{sorry to ask but is your husband on drugs or alcohol.}

i dont support your husband's insult on your parent' because he saw everythng before both of u got married. now why the change of attitude. if u look at it closely, your husband is tired of the marriage despite the fact that u ve three kids that is why he is using the insults as basis for break-up. he jus wants to spoil your mind so that both of u can divorce. Take note, you have to sit-up or else he will throw u into the gutter. try as much as possible to talk sense in his head' pls dont fight with him(if u ve been doing it, stop), play nice to him as much as u can, be the woman u will want to be for a man, u are doing this all becos u love and show it to him that u truly love him. jus always be in cool chat with him, if he doesnt change jus get ready for the worst. BREAK-UP or SPACE OF TIME. Though i dont like it at all

one thing u ve to be prepared for is divorce- i do not wish it happens at all but jus be ready.

if there is any improvement inform us.
Goodluck!

Meldrick:

Just like the female Artist ASA said'' LIFE IS NOT ABOUT YOUR POLICIES ALL THE TIME''. Two wrongs don't make a right. The lady's parents have their fault but the man should realize that not all parents must be like his parents. He knew the wife's father was a racist before he went ahead to say I do. In Life, you must be ready to lose some , to win some. ''IF'' he is interested in having a happy home, he must ignore what his inlaws say and concentrate on his family. That does not make him a lesser man. He should realize he must cover up in the area of his wife's weakness and that includes the aspect of her parents.

ABI the girl with racist parents didnt see that the husband was BLACK before marrying him?!!!!!
good for you! life is not ALWAYS about "winning some", obviously the husband needs nothing from his in laws. i am not talking down on all the married men who needs hands out from their in laws but BE A MAN and STAND FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE!
NOBODY should stand down to their beliefs. if thats what the husband believes then he has all the rights to shout it on every roof. why should a man stand down to his beliefs? if he should "supposedly" be strong enough to accept his in law's racist status then there should be no reason why  HIS WIFE couldnt accept her husband's way.
you said that he knew the in laws were racist before marrying her. yes and SHE knew her husband was BLACK before marrying him. if she didnt want to be reminded everyday how racist her parents are then she shouldnt have married a black man.
I , for one, would have been pissed (like poster's husband) if my in laws didnt bless the union or talk shit about black people BUT THEN want to spend time with the grandchildren every weekend!!! WTF!!!!

I have never been an advocate of interracial marriages, and never will be. They've got so many problems attached to them. If you weigh these problems, you will realise they're more than what you stand to benefit from these kinds of marriages anyway.
Statistically, and like Hollywood marriages, they're bound to fail sooner or later. Only few survive and surmount  the enormous troubles associated with them.
Some of these problems, and in no way exhaustive are : clash of cultures, religious beliefs (these are getting less popular as more and more people are becoming secular nowadays, ), problems in family integration, societal rejection and ostracization, enormous sacrifices from both partners. The list could go on. Yet, the "victims" of such marriages, the children, and unfairly so, get to inherit the biggest chunk of the problems:They lose their identity amidst their peers and the society they live in.
Interracial marriage, more than anything, perfectly underscores the old adage of "look before you leap."
Well, as the popular Hollywood phrase goes, you can file for divorce based on unreconcilable differences.
Now, on serious note, you ought to ask yourself this single important question. Is your love strong enough for him to overshadow the the heartache he causes you  and the disrespect he accords to your parents?
Most often, when a man starts behaving this way, he's no more interested in neither the marriage nor the wife. Cruel and sad, but true.

messiah:

I have never been an advocate of interracial marriages, and never will be. They've got so many problems attached to them. If you weigh these problems, you will realise they're more than what you stand to benefit from these kinds of marriages anyway.
Statistically, and like Hollywood marriages, they're bound to fail sooner or later. Only few survive and surmount  the enormous troubles associated with them.
Some of these problems, and in no way exhaustive are : clash of cultures, religious beliefs (these are getting less popular as more and more people are becoming secular nowadays,  ), problems in family integration, societal rejection and ostracization, enormous sacrifices from both partners. The list could go on. Yet, the "victims" of such marriages, the children, and unfairly so, get to inherit the biggest chunk of the problems:They lose their identity amidst their peers and the society they live in.
Interracial marriage, more than anything, perfectly underscores the old adage of "look before you leap."
Well, as the popular Hollywood phrase goes, you can file for divorce based on unreconcilable differences.
Now, on serious note, you ought to ask yourself this single important question. Is your love strong enough for him to overshadow the the heartache he causes you  and the disrespect he accords to your parents?
Most often, when a man starts behaving this way, he's no more interested in neither the marriage nor the wife. Cruel and sad, but true.

RACE, RELIGION, ETHNY!!!!!!
i think that is a different subject completely. the father of the poster is not on "trial" here but the husband is.
the colour of the skin is just another way for someone to discriminate, just like YORUBAS who dont want to marry IGBOS or MUSLIMS who dont want to marry CHRISTIANS!
you are no better than the father of the poster! judging someone by the colour of their skin, religion or ethnic background is called RACISM or commonly known as TRIBALISM in Africa, choose your demon!

99% of Swiss citizen are racist to the core so your father case is not surprising . Your guy is looking for a way out of the marriage guess he is awaken now so if you take to live apart like some said here your doing him good. He will not stop until he get to the destination , would suggest you be fair to both side (your guy/parent) one will stay till end and the other shall leave when its time, Goodluck

Thank you all for respond
@ chaircover God forgive me but I alrady insult his parents ( I use his mothers demanding for money) and it lead to a horrybel fight. I will never try this again!

@ Akuviv and Meldrick thanks for the wise words!

@top5000 no, in the beginnig of our relationship everythin was OK. But since about half a year he is like that.

@MrbrownJAY if he insult my father in his present, is OK for me, my father deserv it at times. but why is he insulting him only in my present and make me feel like I am the problem. It is not my cause that my father is a rasist.

@FBS My husband told me that one of the worst thing my father did, was when he visit us and open my husbands pot ( he was cocking Egusi for his frinds). My husband dont like the way he steers at him somtimes. He is also angry that my mother never take our kids for a walk.

@ origina9ja yes he drinks, he started after the birth of our lastborn. He limit it to 6 cans a day. I always try to stop him from drinking what lead to other quaralls.
He life in europ for more than 10 years, and I dont think he sould still have problems with the cultural differences, abi?

Maybe he is really tierd of me. But I will not leave him. Like Akuviv say God dont like divorce.

MissO:

Thank you all for respond
@MrbrownJAY if he insult my father in his present, is OK for me, my father deserv it at times. but why is he insulting him only in my present and make me feel like I am the problem. It is not my cause that my father is a rasist.

your husband can only insult your father in his presence WHEN your father will have the guts to be real about his racistic views.
does your father says racist remarks/insults in your HUSBAND's presence!? i can see that your father comes often to your place, i doubt that he ever says any thing to your husband's face?

He has no reason for what so ever to insult your parents. but i think his is doing it besause he wants you to suffer for your father did. please try to ingore his insults, close your ears and do as if you are not bordered about it. If he continues, let his parents know abuot it. I believe they will talk sense into his loose haed.

Most importantly, do not live him, concentrate on your kids.

ATTENTION: MissO,[s][/s]
let me give you an advice you will like so much. one thing i appreciate is that you love the guy and that divorce is out of your mind. good! (to tell you the truth thats what satan is targeting) but by God's grace you will overcome them all.

MissO, there's no smoke without a fire, for your husband to be DRINKING now that means there's something wrong and you have to find that out.(maybe his friends, circumstances, etc).
I HAVENT HEARD something like this before, if he insults your parents, what about his -can't they do what he wants your parents to do? letme tell you you are the MOST IMPORTANTperson here on earth and no one, nobody should take your happiness from you. its good that you have three kids -please concentrate on them and leave your husband alone. Now here are my advice.

1] men, especially nigerian men are proud and arrogant people that like to be recognised even if they have nothing, the more you show him that you feel bad any time he insults your parents the more he will do it. Solution: try to him that you are happy always and dont give tots to the insults, if you go out with him spend more time with his buddies and laugh loudly at anything they say even if its not funny. and don't always be in a hurry to please him, if he excuses you tell him to give you a minute and take your time to round up.

2] dont always laugh with him. if he asks you a question just answer and keep quite. (try treating him like a social leper -like he doesn't exist but perform all your marital duties to him and the children) believe me it works.

3] try to be close to his best friend or someone that he listens to. mention the issue technically to that person to tell him as regards change. the person must be careful so your husband doesnt think you reported him, okay?

4] don't always go into sex when he wants it. deny him (but not for too long) if you must give in make it boring and distasteful. if he results to other women -dont borther or fight him, lethim know that you know and that you are not careful about it, that you are more concern about the marriage and that you dearly love him.

5]remenber, you dont have to feel bad anytime he insults your parents. tell him that they are people better than your parents and that your parents are better than other people also.

dear, just try this, i wont tell you my pedigree. but be sure it wont fail. if you have questions reach me on +2348033104402. above all, PUT EVERYTHING IN PRAYERS, nothing pass God![color=#990000][/color]

Meldrick:


You must wear a thick skin like other African women

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Divorce him as soon as you can, make him take up the children support, kick is ass back to nigeria where he belongs
That is nigerian men for you, my dear he only married you just for the papers and not love thats all.


This bastard you got married to , from the look of things is a garbage picker here in nigeria before he smuggled himself down to the white mans land
Be very careful for him not to trick you and run back to nigeria with the children so many of the nigerians do it alot, get hold of all his travelling documents ok
please be wise he does not love you, he is only using you to get what he needs and when the time comes for him to return back to his nigerian wife here , he will dump you and go for the first available flight back to nigeria for good , this is what nigerians do ok am one

@MRbrownJAY No, my father never say any racist remarks to my husbands face. He just act diverent when my husband is around. My father cannt tell people what he thinks/feels, he is always talking in somebodys back.

@pirobaba Tanks for your advice, it make sens.

@panteleonk I dont think all Nigerians are the same. My husband travel to europ when he was thirteen. Since this time he only travel once to Nigeria and I doupt that he marry that time. And if there is an Nigerian wife, I doupt she would welcome him back with my kids! You coment is full of negativ thinking.

panteleonk:

Divorce him as soon as you can, make him take up the children support, kick is ass back to nigeria where he belongs
That is nigerian men for you, my dear he only married you just for the papers and not love thats all.
This bastard you got married to , from the look of things is a garbage picker here in nigeria before he smuggled himself down to the white mans land
Be very careful for him not to trick you and run back to nigeria with the children so many of the nigerians do it alot, get hold of all his travelling documents ok
please be wise he does not love you, he is only using you to get what he needs and when the time comes for him to return back to his nigerian wife here , he will dump you and go for the first available flight back to nigeria for good , this is what nigerians do ok am one

woah, somebody is pissed of they miss their boat!!!!! for your info, i know plenty of 9ja men and women that dont need papers or whatever and that marry out of love. to each their own. i can see that you probably wish you HAD THE OPPORTUNITY that the poster's husband had but , dont give up, your time will come!

@POSTER do you realize that your husband is just doing exactly what your father is doing. i am not saying that it is right, i am just saying that maybe that is what he needs to feel better. you are even lucky your parents are allowed to visit. i was in a "somewhat" similar situation as yours and  i REFUSED that my GF parents came to OUR home.
try to understand how your husband must feel when knowing that your father is a racist but yet, he comes to your home smiling and making chit chat. he must be boiling inside and, unfortunately,  the only way he can find in "cooling off" is to abuse them when gone.
a real man would have told your father the truth straight to his face but, i guess, your husband doesn't want to make problems within the family.
so be happy, the situation could have been MUCH worse!