There is this female colleague of mine, 31 years old who is dating a married man in our office secretly . I am the only one in the office that knows about the whole thing .

Just last week I asked her why she had to be dating a married man .
This are her words:

I parted ways with my last boyfriend at the age of 27 since then I have been waiting for Mr. right . when I join the office some two years ago , this man has always been on my case . I prayed and look for Mr, right but all to no avail .
A time came that I could not just hold back , I mean I had no one touch me hold me and make love to me for more than a year .

I guess young guys are always scared of going into relationship with ladies of our age because they think all we ever think of in a relationship is marriage , marriage and marriage .

I was getting desperate ( no sex for more than a year ) . U know body no be wood . This married man seen to be the only one toasting me at that time .

So one day , in one of his normal toasting ways , I gave in . I gave in not to destroy is marriage , not to let no one know , but to satisfy my sexual huge .

We have kept it clean for the past 6 months now . his wife doesn’t know . he does not demand too much other than our once a week or once a forth night secret meeting in one of his friends place . And that does not disturb my searching for Mr. own Mr right

Will you blame me?

Nairalanders, will you blame her? What do you think?

I know it's not easy at all but what goes around comes around. If she meets her Mr. Right @ 35 and he starts cheating on her, she won't be able to blame him because she was once 'the other woman'.

So yeah i blame her - karma is not a joke.

if u were in her shoes what will u do .

I'll tell you what'll soon [prolly] happen to your lady friend: She'll start to want more than the sex, emotions will get entangled, and she'll then begin to contemplate having the man all to herself or atleast consider settling for a 'wife number 2' tag -- I mean, she's already sounding desperate; talking about waiting for 'Mr. right', and soon her twisted emotions may start to prod her into thinking he may just be the 'one' [na so e dey start]. Situations like this always end with scars and pain, and in the end she'll find out that the sex ain't worth it afterall. Does she have a game-plan as to when to call the whole thing off after she's had 'enoff' sex? And what happens if/when the guy decides he's done with her? Will she then go searching for other men to 'satisfy' her sexual urge? Or give in to another [married] man just because she's Hot? Either way you want to look at it, she's setting herself up for some serious heartbreak. I understand her plight, but excusing/justifying her behaviour on the grounds that she was sexually frustrated doesn't cut it. She's on track to becoming complicit in potentially ruining another woman's marriage.

goodbobo:

if u were in her shoes what will u do .

Are you trying to say that during the 4yrs after her last relationship she's not been approached by any other man? Come on naw, I find that hard to believe. If she's attractive enoff to draw the attention of the said man she's having an affair with, then I'd like to think that atleast a few other men out there have also been drawn to her for the same reason(s). I mean, it can't be that hard to meet single people out there, even for a woman her age, and in naija. Who knows, she could be one of those really picky females, or even a recluse who doesn't really like to socialize with men or lacks an attractive personality. I don't know what her problem is, or if she has one. But I can't understand why her situation's so desperate to warrant her settling for a married man to satisfy her 'sexual urges'.

i asked her ur questions today . she said it is not easy at all . she said she has
succeeded in playing the game for the past 6 months without any emotional attachment
its been just the friendship and sex thats all.
She is pretty i tell u . i asked her if she has no single man toasting her .
she said non for now at all . the only person that came up to her for the past two years apart from this
married man was one very young man that she is like 5 years older than and it was obvious that
all that guy wanted was just flings . she reiterated that eligible men are some how scared of single matured and successful ladies like her .
she confided in me that there was a time she had to swallow her pride and be toasting a much junior but older staff in our office (before she gave in to the married man )cos she likes him and dont mind to have him as her husband . But this guy refused giving in .
Guys i tell u this lady in question is my senior in the office and for her to go toast some one junior to me in the office ( u know how hard that can be )


She ask me again . can u blame me? I got confused ,
what y'all think ?

@iice from ur comment . i guess u wouldnt blame her . for me i think i dont wanna blame her

i think she was just thinkin 4 hersef not abut d man's family she probably cud ve waited a lil bit longer for her own man because relationships like that always end in tears for the people involved.

goodbobo:

i asked her your questions today . she said it is not easy at all . she said she has
succeeded in playing the game for the past 6 months without any emotional attachment
its been just the friendship and sex thats all.
She is pretty i tell u . i asked her if she has no single man toasting her .
she said non for now at all . the only person that came up to her for the past two years apart from this
married man was one very young man that she is like 5 years older than and it was obvious that
all that guy wanted was just flings . she reiterated that eligible men are some how scared of single matured and successful ladies like her .
she confided in me that there was a time she had to swallow her pride and be toasting a much junior but older staff in our office (before she gave in to the married man )because she likes him and don't mind to have him as her husband . But this guy refused giving in .
Guys i tell u this lady in question is my senior in the office and for her to go toast some one junior to me in the office ( u know how hard that can be )


She ask me again . can u blame me? I got confused ,
what y'all think ?

Bro, I'm not trying to be harsh or nothing, but the problem with your friend's view is that she's applying the 'end justify the means' approach to her problem without considering the collateral damage/potential consequences of her actions. Of course, the married man she's having the affair with is the main culprit in helping wreck his own marriage, but she's also complicit for giving in, irrespective of her stated reasons. And if sex is truly her primary motivation for getting into a fling with him, then I find her excuse a bit suspect, because one could argue that she could've gotten the same thing, 'no-strings-attached', from any single man out there [I'm sure you'd agree with me that there are more than enoff men out there who'd be more than willing to oblige her in that regard]. Afterall, she knows he's married and that the relationship isn't leading nowhere, right? It sounds like she may be subconsciously investing more emotions into the affair than she thinks or would like to admit. Besides, her actions will only cause her self-esteem to take a dip/sink deeper in the long-run, as she herself has acknowledged the impropriety of her behaviour -- I can already sense her internal struggle over the morality of her actions. If you ask me, I think she needs to call off the affair a.s.a.p, because I hate to say this but she's digging herself into a hole; it's not a matter of if but when and how the relationship will end. Anyhow, I hope she's prepared to live with the fruits -- e fit lead to unwanted pregnancy, scandal, the man dumping her or divorcing his wife because of her, e.t.c.

it is very easy for the male folks to point accusing fingers . I have cousin in similar situation . She is 33 , she was crying the other day that for the past 3 years she not found any serious toaster at all . The best she has been getting are married men .
For we men , it is alot easy for us to see any desirable lady and walk up to her and express our feeling . for them it is not the same .
And most at times we male blank from our mind ladies of this age range ( 29, 30 - 35) because one we feel we need the younger ones for future partners or two we feel they've gone a very long way or we feel they must have achieve alot .

IT AIN"T EASY OOOO.

dayopaul:

it is very easy for the male folks to point accusing fingers . I have cousin in similar situation . She is 33 , she was crying the other day that for the past 3 years she not found any serious toaster at all . The best she has been getting are married men .
For we men , it is alot easy for us to see any desirable lady and walk up to her and express our feeling . for them it is not the same .
And most at times we male blank from our mind ladies of this age range ( 29, 30 - 35) because one we feel we need the younger ones for future partners or two we feel they've gone a very long way or we feel they must have achieve alot .

IT AIN"T EASY OOOO.

Relax bro, I haven't read any post from any male folk 'pointing fingers' here so far. If anything, most of the respondents to this thread have expressed empathy for the subject's plight, but that doesn't mean that we have to condone or endorse her behaviour. Whether you agree or not, her actions will consequently lead to more pain [for her and others], in the long-run. That's REAL talk.

@ goodbobo

Well i understand the lady's plight and her emotional desires, but she probably could have been patient a little more, the ''Mr Right'' might have just been around the corner before jumping into an affair with the married man, Anyway i have a friend thats looking for Miss Right as well, good job, nice guy, they might fit each other ( Who knows ). Lets help this Lady find a solution instead of castigting her afterall, Nobody Holy Pass. You can email me on inspired_men@yahoo.com ( Nothing more )

j-girl:

I know it's not easy at all but what goes around comes around. If she meets her Mr. Right @ 35 and he starts cheating on her, she won't be able to blame him because she was once 'the other woman'.

So yeah i blame her - karma is not a joke.

Not necessarily J-girl, i beg to disagree, if she stays a virgin till 35 when she meets Mr. Right, there is no guarantee he wont cheat on her either. men will always be men! at least if she finally finds mr right and he cheats on her it wldnt be as bad as if she had stayed all goody goody and he still cheats on her. if youre in ure 30s its difficult to find single men who wants to commit coz at that age all u wanna do is settle down not fool around. so most times what they prefer doing is date a married man knowing fully well there is no strings attached than a single man where she'd hope for a commitment but he wldnt and she'd be left with 'just imagine'. although personally i think we shld all be patient to meet either mr right or mr 'i like him enuf to wanna settle down with him' instead of having an affair, woman hold body, u can do it oh.

Topic: Can You Blame Her For Dating A Married Man?
Answer: Yes, that's repugnant.

However, she claims that she's not interested in dating him, just to scratch an itch.
I was born at night but not last night!
There is NO WAY she couldn't find a SINGLE man that wants a casual, no-strings attached fling!

Watch, in a few months, there will be a Nairaland post saying "Help i'm in love with my married boyfriend, he won't leave his wife- what should i do"
Just advise your friend to leave him alone- she may just need an itch but what about the poor wife at home. If she saw the man wa son her case, she should have counseled him and tried to help him see his wrongdoing, and work through it- rather than aiding and abetting and commiting adultery for physical satisfaction twice a month!!

Re- PUG- NANT!


but it's never too late to change one's ways,

she's a sex pest, a LovePeddler, a flirt and a "city gate". She might be pretty, but ill mannered and decent that's why no man sees her fit to become his wifey.
She's only searching for a sex partner not a Hubby, and i will definitely advise any man i know to flee such woman,

@dewdrop and natasha, take a chill pill sistas, dont kno how it pinches until u find urself wearin d shoes ; it sure is possible 2 b pretty, decent, nice etc and not have any single man knock on ur door for a while talk less of propose marriage.

also know how much it hurts wen uv been in nd out of relationships wit single guys, givin everythin u got and at d end of d day, its all taken for granted cos aftall, you are getting old and thus must b desperate enuff 2 take crap! suppose dis might be her rationale 4 datin a married man who she's not expectin much from anywayz rather dan date a single guy wit xpectations for fear dat it would be thrown back in her face.

do empathise wit d lady cos she must av had her share of failed relationships to av given in to dis married man, who i must say is also a user, she just doesnt kno it yet. den, she'ld hate it worse dan wen she was used by single men cos dis time she's compromised her dignity as a woman too.

inasmuch as we all kno life aint black nd white as we were raised 2 blieve but has loads nd loads of grey areas, dere are some basic rules dat shouldnt be toyed wit as hard as it may be at d time. d lady in question mite be catchin her trips now but it is sure that she aint always gonna b satisfied wit comin in last on his agenda, cos d truth is she aint gonna b second; her needs will b considered only after d man's job, his wife, his children, his car, name it! in time, she would b left wit d dregs of d affair, bearing all d attendant scars nd shame while he goes scampering bak into d folds of wifey dearest!

i'ld advice her instead 2 keep praying and keep an open mind, someone will come along sooner or later, no situation ever really is forever even though most of d time it feels dat way

@dewdrop and natasha , na wao for una . kai , kai especially natasha , na wao .
u must be saint mary or saint terasa . how can u say this : (She might be pretty, but ill mannered and decent that's why no man sees her fit to become his wifey.) are u saying those pretty matured working class ladies are not good enough thats why they are not married till now .

Na wao . God dey o

Way to go @Dewdrop.

To analyse this situation from all angles, it would be advisable for us to assume the position of the lady, then that of the married man, and then that of the man's wife.

I do not believe that there is ANY justification on earth whatsoever for a woman to have sex with a married man (who ain't her husband).
People, this is absurd, wrong, painful and not good.

Even if this man is not enjoying his marriage, he should stick to one woman at a time. Divorce as the last option. It is not impossible for a 31-year old lady to find a man to love her for what it is. It could be difficult but not impossible. This lady suits the profile of those CAREER MINDED ladies who usually make mince-meat of their relationships in their youth simply because they want to follow their career path (blindly). It is their career growth that usually scare away most men. Career is good. But life is not only about career.

So, I blame this lady completely. She has to stop this relationship. She will not only ruin the man's marriage. She will end up starting something she won't see through to the end. Introduce her to nairaland. She will get to meet decent guys on this forum if she searches hard enough.

One thing you should know is that God has nothing to understand when it comes to sin. There is nothing you can do to justify your sins before God. Infact, the more you try to justify your sins the more you incur His wrath. The position the girl chose right now will only compound her problem. Who told her God has forgotten her? Look up to heaven for help, no matter your present condition. The girl in question has lost hope in God, and that is the very reason she chose that pathway. Nobody has condemned her in person, but we did condemn what is not good. _{LET HER STOP IT.}

no one is condemning her but make she go find her own man and leave anotha woman man alone.

Natasha just said her mind, but many had come against her using Jesus Christ method on the woman caught in adultery. Let us remember that it is the same Jesus that said “what God has joined together let no man dismantle.” So, sex satisfaction is now a reason to set a happy family on fire, and we are here saying we understand her plight. What I know is that, the girl does not feel for others. She is only interested in getting herself satisfied, and every other person can go to hell, especially the man’s wife feeling is not put into consideration. We learnt that the poster had advised her to quit the relationship but she refused to listen. Those living in the monastery are they not human beings? I stand not to condemn her in person but her behaviours.

This is serious.

Sex? Sweet and bitter

well it's true this lady cant help it!
it's also true she has this unsatisfied craving.
I think majority of us might have being there some time in life.

what did we do to overcome it? Thats the advice she needs right now.

However she's responsible for her misdemeanours, So she's to be blamed
Its like stealing because you are hungry, who's to be blamed Mr. hunger,

She needs to change her ways
Or else she's a disaster waiting to happen.

Only God can deliver her

am i gettin the story right

she is prayin for Mr. Right and until Mr. Right comes along she wants to satisfy her sexual needs

So why did she turn down the junior who toasted her after finding out that all he wanted was a fling

Isn't that what she needs? A fling until Mr Right comes along

That I'm hungry n'broke can never justify my robbing you with a jack-knife.
I'm averse to her actions regardless of how excusable they're portrayed.

hmmm,
It is better she quit the secret relationship because age is not counting on her anymore,
Moreover, she does not know the plan of the guy towards her,
It is better for her to make hay while sun shines,
And look for a man who will take her as a wife and not those[b] secret meetings[/b]
because as far as i am concerned, i dont think that man will marry her.
That my own ooooo

I feel her plight and sincerely speaking i her hope she
can control it to know when to call it quits.
Alot of pple would not understand her because
they do not feel her pains.
Consider she is not doing it for the money or whatsoever,
Majority of girls nowadays now date married men as in where are the young bachelors.
Also it would be intresting to note that there are quite a large pop of
divorced young ladies,single parents with economic power who are also contesting for
the bachelors.So most girls that can't do what they would do like pamper young boys that nowadays dont seem to like to work, all they need is just cash and eventually marry them but in the end the marriage doesn't work so they are on the prowl again.
My question is where are all the eligible bachelors?
I feel u babe do anything that would make u happy at least morals is subjective.

well, i have read through all what u guys ve been posting and all is on individual view. sorry to say i ve a friend living with me right now and she is 31 yrs old, she has been disappointed 2wice in her life and she made up her mind not to give in to any kind of guy, despite her determination she refused to giv in to sex frm any of her toasters be it married or single.you wont believe it but this girl was disvirgin at the age of 27 when he ex boyfriend started acting funny. One funny thing is that the single guys that approach her only want a fling which is aint ready to giv.

Personally i dont think the girl have an execuse of sleeping with a married person cos of her urge,i believe ladies ve more control of themselves than guys. Although might to be applicable to all girls, i feel she can still control herself. Get me right am not condeming her actions. She couldnt and she got a fair option of dating a married man with no strings attached as long as she feels is safe for she should continue.

But remember you dont where the mr right is coming from, could be his cousin, brother etc who might fall for her crazy, tell me what do u think the married guy will say to his cousin?

Its just my opinion.

My only advice for her is GOD NEVER SLEEP, WAKEUP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, BE NAKED AND CALL ON GOD FOR TOTAL FORGIVENESS AND INTERVENTION TO BREAK EVEN. and before you know it the Mr. Right will  surface from no were. That is God in action for you. I have testimony on what God has done for me on when I was looking for my own wife. It was great.

Sola

the fact that she choose to sleep with someone else's husband just to satisfy her sexual urge shows how selfish and ill mannered whe is. She is a home wrecker, every one knows that.
Such a lady will only be fit to be a mistress and never a wife.