My son will be 9 in October but his behaviour bothers me so much. He acts like a day dreamer. He has turned me into a shouting and miserable mum as I had to beat him after I've exhausted other punishment options. To make this short, I'm going to summarise his behaviour.

He still cannot get himself ready for school in the morning. Either he doesnt cream his body or forgets to comb his hair or doesnt brush his teeth. He forgets to brush his teeth almost everyday. This made me to make a list of step by step sticker. I sticked this on their bathroom mirror and on his bedroom wall. Yet I have to keep reminding him everyday. For example, last week on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday he forgot to brush his teeth and hair. I have to constantly be reminding him every morning. He is the only one that brushes teeth after getting ready. I trained them to brush teeth first before shower but he keeps forgetting.

I have to remind him to do his homework, and put it back in his school bag to return to school on Mondays. The book will still not make it to the school even after constant reminder. We've lost countless of lunch bags. One ended up on school roof. If you give him any form to submit back to his teacher. He will forget in his bag so I now give it to his sister to give to his teacher.

He removes his clothes, shoes, pants, belts etc and leave them on the floor, I bought two laundry baskets for him. One in his room, another in their bathroom, yet all his belongings end up on the floor that you can hardly find a space to put a foot. I dont expect him to be perfect but atleast to try so that his 70% clothes make it to the basket or shoes to their racks. He also has a book shelf and desk yet they also end up on the floor.

He plays so much that sometimes he leaves shops with items in his hands. So I have to always watch out for him. Living in a western country where black boys are stereotyped I fear for him. He can stare at the ceiling for hrs when getting ready for school or spend long time in the shower yet not using soap on his body. This usually makes us late unless I step in to help or keep shouting.

If you ask him to do any house chores, he will not do it instead waiting for us to forget so he can get away with it. When grounded not to watch TV, he will still do it once he knows am inside my room or busy with a baby.

Yesterday we revised all his lesson assignments (5 work books). I specifically asked him to put them in his lesson bag. I pointed at the bag. Now I drop him at the lesson only for him to say oh I think I came with old lesson books. I dont know how he ended up with old books in his bag. It could be he planned it as a way to avoid the lesson. If not I wonder how he will remember it himself as soon as I drop him and his sister as this is unlike him.

I've taken him to a doctor incase there is any diagnosis so I can give him all the help he needs but they said it's just his behaviour because according to the doctor he is smart academically. He is 18months ahead of his year level. So they ruled ADHD out.

Leave him alone.


Some crazy stuffs comes with being brilliant and smart.

He will out grow them with time.

You have to keep correcting him in a balanced approach so he will not grow resistance against you.

Beating does not really help in some instances. At times when he is so sure you were going to flog him, call him and explain why he should do the right thing.

Most importantly, please pray for him.

you should put him under pressure more


military style

trust me

lilmax:
you should put him under pressure more


military style

trust me

Although it's not allowed here but I've moved from smacking to beating now but no change in his behaviour. I fear this boy will put me into trouble one day or grow up to hate me. I'm thinking of sending him to naija for one school semester but hubby refused.

jess2019:


Although it's not allowed here but I've moved from smacking to beating now but no change in his behaviour. I fear this boy will put me into trouble one day or grow up to hate me. I'm thinking of sending him to naija for one school semester but hubby refused.

Don't beat too much he is just 9.
This can even complicate things.
Show him more love
We are all different, try to understand him.

Just take things easy with him

register him at football academy

that's how stars do !

Imo there is nothing wrong with him , beating him will get you nowhere

Register him in a very challenging thing eg music school or a band or something to challenge and restructure his focus .. Buy him instruments keyboard , guitar and get him a teacher .. In a week if you learn the keyboard for 3-4 hrs everyday .. You will have more focus

jess2019:


Although it's not allowed here but I've moved from smacking to beating now but no change in his behaviour. I fear this boy will put me into trouble one day or grow up to hate me. I'm thinking of sending him to naija for one school semester but hubby refused.

Put him in a Nigerian boarding house, preferably missionary school, you won't regret it. I understand your concern for him please ignore the people who say you should ignore him they are the ones who raise nuisance here

Came4amod:
Register him in a very challenging thing eg music school or a band or something to challenge and restructure his focus .. Buy him instruments keyboard , guitar and get him a teacher .. In a week if you learn the keyboard for 3-4 hrs everyday .. You will have more focus

Chai i hate music class when i was in bereton!!! Try him in a chess class instead.

snipesdam:


Chai i hate music class when i was in bereton!!! Try him in a chess class instead.

Its not for everyone .. Musical instrument in kids help them focus and become someone else entirely

If his behaviour continues wait until he gets a little older and please send him to Nigeria. My parents sent me to Nigeria for boarding school 11 years ago I was 12,13 ish, and it was the best decision they could’ve done for me, I’m so grateful for them. Now I’m married with a child on the way, and I’m doing well for myself. If they ignored me, God knows how my life would’ve turned out. Whilst there, I met so many other children like me , and they all changed for the better. If you have someone trustworthy that can train your child up in Nigeria, it is better please. In the western world there’s only so much you can do, before they start calling the police on you and social services. Please give it a thought if the situation doesn’t change over the years. Your son will come back to thank you, because training at this age of 9 is very very important. If you can’t control him now at this age, it might only get worse honestly.

jess2019:


Although it's not allowed here but I've moved from smacking to beating now but no change in his behaviour. I fear this boy will put me into trouble one day or grow up to hate me. I'm thinking of sending him to naija for one school semester but hubby refused.

Easy mama!

Take it easy on yourself and on him too!

You do want the best for him but may need to restrategise.

Begin to cut him a little more slack we can’t all be the same and get everything right at the same pace.

Quit comparing him to his siblings and other children you know.

Look out for any strength he has even if it’s playing (irony I know) and hone in on it to compensate for his perceived weaknesses.

Continue to coach and correct albeit in love.

Most importantly pray , pray and pray some more!

olabrinks:
If his behaviour continues wait until he gets a little older and please send him to Nigeria. My parents sent me to Nigeria for boarding school 11 years ago I was 12,13 ish, and it was the best decision they could’ve done for me, I’m so grateful for them. Now I’m married with a child on the way, and I’m doing well for myself. If they ignored me, God knows how my life would’ve turned out. Whilst there, I met so many other children like me , and they all changed for the better. If you have someone trustworthy that can train your child up in Nigeria, it is better please. In the western world there’s only so much you can do, before they start calling the police on you and social services. Please give it a thought if the situation doesn’t change over the years. Your son will come back to thank you, because training at this age of 9 is very very important. If you can’t control him now at this age, it might only get worse honestly.

You are 100% right

you are quite hard on the boy, and you know it.
I would have said he should get him diagnosed if he had ADHD but you said an expert already ruled that out, even though I think that's what might be the issue, but because he is still a lad, their characteristics is often misquoted for childhood exuberance.
truly he is forgetful, although he might pretend to be sometimes just to get away with some task, but he really is forgetful.
you just have to keep reminding him in love and enough of your shouting and smacking . it won't work. you are just pushing him too hard and he can't help himself. and you already have your mind set on how he will cause you trouble and be like other stereotyped black kid in the hood. please cut him some slack and raise that boy in love and in understanding. he's likely to outgrow this trait or they are likely to remain will you throw him out then ?
Nigerian schools are not equipped with childhood professionals who understand some developmental problems or delay a child might have. sending that boy to Nigeria is like sending him to his own doom. he will be abused , flogged and laughed over what he himself can't control. let him be with you and seek medical help. you can have another doctor diagnose him.
don't let that feel like he is a source of pains to the family . I know you have been abusing him verbally, too. just stop all of that and speak to a professional who will proffer ways on how you can manage and curtail this behaviour.
cheers!
I'm a childhood educator so I am speaking from experience. I have taught and still teaching kids like your boy. they can excel if you push them in love

q

You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on this young kid!! Just relax!

As he grows, he'll learn all these automatically!!

Or are you one of those parent that want their kid to be like other kids or compare them with other kids!! Just chill, and stop teaching your boy things the hard way, Infact I was once like him before!!

Just take a chill pill and take thing easy on this little boy!! Everything will change as he grows up!!

Do they have military boarding schools where you live? Those schools are good for teaching discipline. If you do send him to Nigeria, consider a military school. There are pros and cons to boarding schools so think about it.
What about his father? Is he active in training the boy? I suggest that his father takes over his training for a while. Dad might have an approach that resonates with the kid.
I personally will not 'chill', there is no better time to try to figure out what is going on and fix it the best you can.

majamajic:
register him at football academy

that's how stars do !

He is very athletic and good in all sports. Plays basketball, soccer, swimming and athletic. He won two consecutive cross country and broke the state record in 300m race. High scorer in his basketball team; plays for two clubs.

I'm even thinking this behaviour
started since he became too active in so many sports. Thinking I should stop him �

Came4amod:
Register him in a very challenging thing eg music school or a band or something to challenge and restructure his focus .. Buy him instruments keyboard , guitar and get him a teacher .. In a week if you learn the keyboard for 3-4 hrs everyday .. You will have more focus

He used to play piano with his sister but they never practice their homework and I'm a novice in piano so couldn't help them. I stopped them when they couldn't impress me. Might try again but they are so busy with other extracurricular activities.

Your son sounds like my teenage son. He's fine in every aspect just very disorganised, lazy and forgetful. And like you, we live in the abroad so have to be mindful of been stereotyped........ i find that in terms of "responsibility and behaviour" he is/acts like 3- 4yrs younger than he should for his age.

He is been assessed for a spectrum disorder and i would suggest you get a second opinion on his diagnosis as spectrum disorders are easier and better managed when diagnosed in childhood

Finally, i would never advise you send your child to 9ja. Its the wrong place to do so in this era.....in today's world, people have physical and virtual assitants that help organise their workloads and meetings: a lot of my colleagies have cleaners that come and tidy and do their laundry 2 or 3 times a week so as far as his academics isnt lagging, i will say let him be. When hes grown he can always delegate those "tasks" ................as for personal hygiene alot of the guys in 9ja and abroad have poor hygiene but with gradual encouragement, he may improve

jess2019:


Although it's not allowed here but I've moved from smacking to beating now but no change in his behaviour. I fear this boy will put me into trouble one day or grow up to hate me. I'm thinking of sending him to naija for one school semester but hubby refused.

Sending him to naija may help. It happened to my aunt, my mums younger sister's son.
When my sister went to deliver in the US, the boys behavior was horrible. My sister told my aunt that if he doesn't send his son over to naija, that the boy will be lost. Then he was around 10years.

The parents agreed to that. He was brought back to do secondary school here. Our family put him in a very good boarding secondary in Enugu. Haha the boy was disciplined naija style. They used to call him Americana because of his accent in school. He did js1 to js 3. Then went back to US.
He is around 17 now, very well behaved.

Get a second and even third medical opinion to rule out any developmental concerns. If it’s not a medical issue then it is what it is but know that he will eventually outgrow it.

If he goes to school everyday, why is he burdened with “extra lessons?” Let kids be kids, there should be ample time to play and enjoy the things they like to do. What kind of school is he going to that he still needs to add extra classes on top? There are only 24 hours in a day, where is the time for fun? Instead of extra lessons, maybe you just need a better school?

As for extracurriculars, our people tend to overdo things. Piano, basketball, soccer, cross country, swimming. Do you really have enough time on your hands to support all that 100% with two kids and a baby? Let him decide his favourite sport(s) and then you and your husband commit to dedicating time to grow that, no need to be a Jack of all trades. Most 9 year olds are simply not capable of joggling so many activities at the same time. Lots of kids do better academically because they have balance in the form of non academic activities that truly make them happy but having a roster of multiple extraCs all at the same time is just plain tiring. It’s tiring for the parents and it’s tiring for the kids.

If he doesn’t do the piano homework, that’s your cue that maybe he’s simply not that into it. Don’t force him. Often, immigrants get carried away with wanting their kids to do elitist activities that we consider posh. All well and good if the kid wants to do it. Not so great when it’s the parents pushing. These things take, energy and money. How much of all 3 do you have to support so many activities?

Sending him to Naija in 2019 might be the worst mistake you’ll ever make. It’s you and your husband’s responsibility to bring him up, not teachers, not relatives. The same Naija boarding schools where students drink and smoke and bribe authority figures freely? or do you think it’s the boarding schools of yesteryears? If you can afford to send him to an expensive (a cheap one will turn him into a tout) Naija boarding school, use those funds to find a solution where you live. No one is going to love your son more than you. Naija is not your solution. You are his Mom, it’s your job to provide solutions after all, you birthed him. Make sure your husband is also involved in finding the solution.

God bless all parents. There's no right or wrong way to deal with children but there's one way that works more than others - Correct them with love, praise in public and scold in private and most importantly lead by example. Gone are the days when you expect children to follow your command without questioning it especially in the western world where one of the first words a kid learns is 'why'. To everything you say to them they expect a reason. I feel your pain and I currently also have a nearly 10year old daughter whose mum is not even African and that throws up the added challenge of preferences in how we bring her up. Lets continue to pray for them and set good example. All the best.

momokiddies:
you are quite hard on the boy, and you know it.
I would have said he should get him diagnosed if he had ADHD but you said an expert already ruled that out, even though I think that's what might be the issue, but because he is still a lad, their characteristics is often misquoted for childhood exuberance.
truly he is forgetful, although he might pretend to be sometimes just to get away with some task, but he really is forgetful.
you just have to keep reminding him in love and enough of your shouting and smacking . it won't work. you are just pushing him too hard and he can't help himself. and you already have your mind set on how he will cause you trouble and be like other stereotyped black kid in the hood. please cut him some slack and raise that boy in love and in understanding. he's likely to outgrow this trait or they are likely to remain will you throw him out then ?
Nigerian schools are not equipped with childhood professionals who understand some developmental problems or delay a child might have. sending that boy to Nigeria is like sending him to his own doom. he will be abused , flogged and laughed over what he himself can't control. let him be with you and seek medical help. you can have another doctor diagnose him.
don't let that feel like he is a source of pains to the family . I know you have been abusing him verbally, too. just stop all of that and speak to a professional who will proffer ways on how you can manage and curtail this behaviour.
cheers!
I'm a childhood educator so I am speaking from experience. I have taught and still teaching kids like your boy. they can excel if you push them in love

I think so too @ bolded.Op,I think you should get a second opinion from another doctor who is a specialist - a paediatrician.
Your son indeed is FORGETFUL.He might outgrow it but I also think he needs a therapist's help.
Follow the advise of this person I quoted.If you are too hard on the boy,you will make it worse for him.
I would have agreed with sending him to a school in Naija but except he works with people who understand what's going on,they might make it worse for him

jess2019:


He is very athletic and good in all sports. Plays basketball, soccer, swimming and athletic. He won two consecutive cross country and broke the state record in 300m race. High scorer in his basketball team; plays for two clubs.

I'm even thinking this behaviour
started since he became too active in so many sports. Thinking I should stop him �

And you're here getting worried over this boy?

You've got a smart boy in sport. Please get him more engaged in sports, he might just be a world star.

Sending the boy to Nigeria might not be a good idea. Like someone said earlier, Nigerian teachers will beat him, abuse him and even ask his colleagues to mock him if he shows those signs you mentioned.

Nigerian teachers aren't professional enough to handle such child except beating.

jess2019:


He is very athletic and good in all sports. Plays basketball, soccer, swimming and athletic. He won two consecutive cross country and broke the state record in 300m race. High scorer in his basketball team; plays for two clubs.

I'm even thinking this behaviour
started since he became too active in so many sports. Thinking I should stop him �

Reading this again. Please, let this boy be a star he wants to be.

..... Hmmm some mothers do have them...

Your child will be fine. I was like that growing up but I must confess boarding school helped shaped my life and organized. My mom was a busy woman so nobody taught me how to arrange my things. He will be fine, keep on teaching him

jess2019:


He is very athletic and good in all sports. Plays basketball, soccer, swimming and athletic. He won two consecutive cross country and broke the state record in 300m race. High scorer in his basketball team; plays for two clubs.

I'm even thinking this behaviour
started since he became too active in so many sports. Thinking I should stop him �

when u described him , I know he got talent.

that's how stars do

That’s for a public school. If she sends him to a nice private school, it may not be too costly it will change his life forever. He will be disciplined in the most civil way, and he will be influenced by his well behaved peers. It will even bring out his talents, because most private schools have extra curriculum activities. He might win awards, compete in high places, actually there’s normally favouritism towards children who are born abroad. They don’t really care about black children here in the western world, he will be fine.

peeps4u:


And you're here getting worried over this boy?

You've got a smart boy in sport. Please get him more engaged in sports, he might just be a world star.

Sending the boy to Nigeria might not be a good idea. Like someone said earlier, Nigerian teachers will beat him, abuse him and even ask his colleagues to mock him if he shows those signs you mentioned.

Nigerian teachers aren't professional enough to handle such child except beating.