Charles1888:


Pls help me folks, I came here becos I want anonymous advise, what else can I do to make the hurt go away?

You made a mistake in anger, you realize it, you apologized and you're trying to make amends, that's good and she knows it. But she's dealing with the emotional hurt you caused her, it takes time, women are wired that way. Give her the time, don't panic, and don't complicate issues by bringing a 3rd party to come and settle matters in your marriage. Continue to love and respect her in words and deeds. Involve her in discussing your plans and other things, show her you value, love and respect her, then give her time, all shall be well.


Btw, I normally charge $400/hr for this.

/
Whatever is said has been said.

Just sit back and watch.

Either she stays or she leaves. Be mentally prepared for each outcome.

Apology is useless in this scenario. Your presence and voice will be a constant reminder of that statement.
Guess what? You were honest. I guess she cannot handle the truth!

/

Poorboy:
Her brain go still come back, so relax.

True

The problem is not your wife. The problem is that you believed you would have married another person other than your wife. Except, you convince yourself she is the one you desire, begging and all the stuff you are doing won't work. Because, beyond whatever, you thought you said, you must be doing things that intrinsically point to the fact that you would have married a young lady. Work on your mind first and change your attitude toward her age. Peace.

*how to go on with advices*

1.look for the 'most liked' comments on the topic
2.read once, read twice,read again to understand it
3.play it out in your head
4.get out of your head and live it!

5. write another post to thank the Nairaland family for such a useful tip

Note (disclaimer): not all 'most liked' is useful. Filter to what suits your "interest"


God bless Nigeria, God bless our NairaLand

Charles1888:

I don't know how to get through to my wife , we still have sex, infact every other aspect is fine except for communication,

she doesn't even talk to you during sex? Na wa o, that means sey your thing no dey touch her for throat be that and she no dey feel you. If you do am well well like a man, nobody go tell am to communicate with you during and after sex.

I don't know, but i respect you the more. There was no better time than that moment in letting that little disgust out that had been eating you up. Glad you own the shit up,too. These days spouses are too scared to spill out truths instead bottle up personal feelings and disgust until it implode; instead of having those moments of truths that help evaluate the position of the relationship. Good a thing,you admit you now love her beyond the age discomforts. So,it is left for her to sit down and salvage the marriage.

when an inconsequential riff raff tells a pretty Lady that a 100 people have told she was beautiful that she is ugly. she reflects on that 1 guy with the 1 negative comment when trying to affirm her beauty..
2 people that should never make a lady feel unattractive is her parents and her husband. u did wrong and inasmuch as u deserve to know no peace I still think u deserve a 2nd chance.
ur words ate deep into a better part of ur wife's ID. I would advice that u take ur marriage 1 day at a time and not continually dwell in the guilt of ur senseless word.. have optimistic conversation with not as a bribe 4 her to 4give u. take her out to gatherings with ur friends. purposely find an activity that you both could engage that can help you guys unwind.. its up to you to rebuild her self confidence so as to repair her esteem in herself, you and the choice she made in choosing to marry you.. hope ur marriage last a lifetime.

Engage her in open affection. Commend her, shower her with love and affection openly, especially among friends and family members. Renew your wedding vows and celebrate your marriage anniversary every year. Make a big deal out of the wedding anniversary. Never take her or her oppinion for granted. This would do the magic
Thank me later.

My Best thread ever on NL. Learnt a lot from this thread.

usernamepass:
Bla bla bla..
Op shut da Vuck UP and hold your mount pim..
You are simply not man enough to discuss marrage talkless of getting married.
Real men dont talk too much..
I bet your mouth will leak again and you will repeat the same okpata yaRn again..
You have succeeded in keeling the woman in your wife and now that shes gone..
Bear your cross and dont you ever... I repeat dont you ever come on here to disturb our peace again.
Abi SA Xenophobia never do??
SHOOO

But he never claimed he was right or was a saint or that the fault wasnot his?
Even you that you are crucifying him, are you Jesus Christ?

Husbands and Wife do offend each other and only a heart of forgiveness can make marriage work.
If your spouse offends you with words (he did not even do like some useless ones that bring another person to their marital bed o!) and you cant forgive, what do you expect to happen the day ypu also offend your spouse, will you be expecting forgiveness that time?

And moreover, how can two live together if they dont agree?
If you cant forgive your spouse and you are drifting apart, what is the point of having children together, why dont you just pack out nd go marry someone else or does anyone thingk in their immagination, that a marriage can work, if spouses dont forgive each other?

The husband nor be jesus Christ o! he seems to be a person with a good heart sef.
if she is not careful this man that is begging her now, that is contrite and willing to makeup for the health of their marriage, will be driven to the point of no-return.
he will start coming home late and eventually, another lady will listen to his story, provide comfort and a listening ear to him and before you can say jack, she would bear his child and he will seek and get a divorce.
Whose gain or loss will that be?

She has the right to be angry but holding unto a grudge for eternity, is not a sign of committment to a marriage and does not build a home.
If you dont want to love him anymore, now is the time to decide before children become a hamstring to your decision.

Lesson learnt: some things you cannot just say to your spouse no matter what. That is, if you value that relationship. Example age, a feature on their body, an incompetency etc. However some of these deficiencies may be accurate.
I believe the problem is not that it was said but how and when.

Spoken words are like broken eggs. You cant take it back but.... you may be able to use it.... I think you have exhausted your ammunition for a long time no matter what crime she may commit. You should ensure that she is diplomatically aware you are serving penance.

Use this opportunity to learn her likes and dislikes as well as her propensity to forgive.

Nonetheless its important to note that how easily we forgive is directly proportional to how much we love.

Women are very sensitive with words ,with time she will get over it ,don't ever beg her anymore ,pretend like nothing ever happened ,begging her often will bring those sad memories ,....

usernamepass:
Bla bla bla..
Op shut da Vuck UP and hold your mount pim..
You are simply not man enough to discuss marrage talkless of getting married.
Real men dont talk too much..
I bet your mouth will leak again and you will repeat the same okpata yaRn again..
You have succeeded in keeling the woman in your wife and now that shes gone..
Bear your cross and dont you ever... I repeat dont you ever come on here to disturb our peace again.
Abi SA Xenophobia never do??
SHOOO

Only God know who offend you

usernamepass:
Bla bla bla..
Op shut da Vuck UP and hold your mount pim..
You are simply not man enough to discuss marrage talkless of getting married.
Real men dont talk too much..
I bet your mouth will leak again and you will repeat the same okpata yaRn again..
You have succeeded in keeling the woman in your wife and now that shes gone..
Bear your cross and dont you ever... I repeat dont you ever come on here to disturb our peace again.
Abi SA Xenophobia never do??
SHOOO

this guy don kee me

Op first of all admit to yourself that u ar a big f00l..

Now stop begging her totally. When u beg too much i believe she may come to resent u in a pity kind of way & u go loose ur honour. You have to start from the scratch again. Win her heart, make her believe u truly love her & all she stands for. U need to do all the things u would do to show a new babe that she's the one u want to live & die with. Genuinely show her how deep your love is for her. And when she comes back around never stop treating her right & always think before u talk sh1t!

Charles1888:
I had to create a new account for this

I don't know how to get through to my wife anymore, of which the fault is mine, when we were dating, she showed that she was committed to me and loved me wholeheartedly but I was reluctant to marry her cos she was of age, I wanted someone younger, say under 25, but something important that i have to acquire made me marry all of a sudden and she was the only one available, don't get me wrong, I loved her then, her peaceful and humble soul but for some reason I simply can't understand I felt she wasn't enough, but I was wrong, she was perfect, the best I can ever wish for and more, she is everything,

After we got married, you know newlyweds now, the quarrels about every little thing, it was much then, so this particular incident made me so worked up and angry I made a statement I shouldnt have said, during the heated argument I told her that she was never who I would have married, that she wasn't my specs, she was too old (31 lol) that if someone younger was available I wouldn't blink twice before I'll marry the person.

After saying all that, I wasn't sober about it, she held on to that statement, I knew she cried that night, since then we don't talk, play, gist anymore, we became distant, though I apologised the next morning but things isn't just the same anymore, communication isn't there, she only talks to me when she wants to ask or say necessary things, nothing more, though she still cooks, we still have sex, infact every other aspect is fine except for communication, anytime I come back from work and I'm in the sitting room, she doesn't stay there, she either goes to the room or dinning room, I have begged and begged and I don't want to involve third party cos I obviously caused this, when she got pregnant, she didn't tell me till I saw the strip, when I asked why she said she forgot, and we had plans to celebrate when she takes in, I was sad that day, I begged and asked to tell me anything she wants and I'll do it, I'll make it up to her,,she said she wants nothing that she is fine, I love her, she is my baby, we use to be gist buddies, I missed that and I want it back.

I don't know what to do anymore, it's my fault I know that and I'm sorry I ever said that cos it hurt her deeply, I told her to tell me more evil things so that we will be even, she said she can't that she loves me, we are drifting apart, I can feel it,

Pls help me folks, I came here becos I want anonymous advise, what else can I do to make the hurt go away?

Bro what is that thing that she likes so much...is it chocolate...meal cinema
Find out and give her a pleasant surprise
Take her shopping..and in tue course of the shopping beg her and call on some other shoppers to help you neg her. She will adjust
And too carry lantern to burn ur mouth...

Very dumb and childish husband. I am sure she is disappointed in herself that she married someone that thinks like you, at your age! Chai!!!! I have no advice for you. You will still do something even more stupid in future. You seriously need to work on yourself, your dull outlook on life and your childish attitude.

Your mouth is leaking bro... Get a glue

This is why one should always watch whatever one says when happy and equally when angry. The implication of any of the two may have an eternal far reaching negative effect.

What you actually said that day was that you have never loved your wife ! It was an unfortunate statement carelessly uttered during a moment of anger.

Bro, you can't handle this on your own. You must involve that someone that your wife respects a lot. The first step is to convince that person that you truly love your wife and that you sincerely regret the unfortunate statement you uttered during the clash. It is only that person that can plead on your behalf for that poor woman to open up her heart for you again.

The person may be her mother, your pastor or Imam,her friend,sister brother just anyone that you know she truly respects.

I wish you and your family all the best. Please learn how to tame your anger bro,good luck.

She may have forgiven or just quietly planning her revenge.

They say money talks. So in addition to loving words, you should deploy some money to speak for you.

Give cash gifts every so often, Buy her something she loves every so often even if it's something like suya or music.

Now baby is on way, here is your opportunity to show her support that may win back her trust.

If all that fails so be it. There are far worst things happening in people's marriages.

I just hope you've learnt your lesson -words are powerful and one has to be very careful with it.
You have to book appointment with a professional counsellor for both of you.
You might be sleeping under "a burning roof" and be completely ignorant of it.

Never underestimate the place of prayer; whatever creed you are.

I wish your family the peace of God.

honestly i wish i can advice ur wife. she got married to the wrong man. it obvious u dnt love her. yov are only pretending. ur wife deserve a better man.

LilMissFavvy:
Only 31 smh...... I pray that lady heals. She married a man who does not value her.

your profile pics ill report you to seun

I really don't think you have to condemn him again. He is sober and must have realised his wrong doing, please give him a workable piece of advice if you have any. Thanks.

GrabHisBalls:
There's nothing anyone on Nairalander could help you with. You were actually not ready for marriage before you delved into it. If you've ever attended marriage seminars/relationship talk shows, you would have known that words are very powerful. No matter the provocation, there are things you don't utter. People forgive, but those words live with them. Most times, not consciously 'cause even subconscious keeps to information. There are certain "truth" you don't say if it's going to cause emotional damages even if it's the truth. I laugh when people blab things to hurt people, then tag it "the truth". You're simply being insensitive. It' s not every truth you should say in the open. Maturity has taught me to keep quiet when provoked.

Your wife may have forgiven, but those words can never be erased even though she desires to.

Chai! Dude you fvck up big time.

So you think she could not have gotten someone better than this your sour-sop head?

Well it's nor may to be frustrated or angry with someone closest to you. But mind what you say in anger. You might not mean it but impossible to unsay.

She's obviously hurt. It has affected how loved, cherished, desired and valued she once felt. And with that her self worth & esteem. This should have been your extended honeymoon period still. Before the babies start rolling in and mundane family routines dominate your marriage.

Now it will depend on her capacity to GENUINELY forgive and your ability to prove that you didn't mean what you said. It will take time but keep showing her same love, care and attention as before. Especially now that she's expecting. Give her time to heal.

Do not involve third parties because it might embarrass her more if others heard what you told her. Unless you can conceal what you said from them.

BetWinners:
Nigerian men have got to stop placing so much value on women.
@OP You told your wife the blunt truth.Women are waaay harsher with the truth when they direct it at men.Countless women have told their husbands the exact same thing you told your wife (their husbands not being their first choice) & the men moved on.
Tell your wife if she can't act right & put that poo behind her,then both of you should split cos you can't continue stepping on eggshells in your own house.
Simple stuff

U have said it all.

frank417:
Stop eating and always look sober for the moment. Let her begin to ask you questions too, and right there you let her know u can't be or act happy knowing she is still annoyed with u.
Do this often and she will come out and pour her mind to you. Expect beta cry sha

In addition, you can also let her make the first move if she wants sex at night. Don't make the first move. Just always hold her passionately when In bed.

I read through from first page and I can say this is one of the best if not the best I have seen.