Fellow nairaland, this is an emotional issue from someone who needed an advise from you.


I am in a fix; I really cannot believe I am in the middle of this situation I find myself. Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could ever be in the middle of a love tango,  because right from my youth, I have never been an emotional person. This probably was because of my upbringing. I grew up in a home where there was no love lost between my parents.

My mother always had a cause to quarrel with my daddy and their quarrel was always because of this strange woman or that other woman. My mother was always accusing daddy of keeping chains of women outside their marriage and this was always the reason why daddy did not have time  or show her enough affection and love.

She never complained that daddy did not meet up to his financial obligations, her complaint was always lack of affection and love and sometimes she would cry so much that we almost all the time ended up crying with her.

Because of this, I made up my mind early in life not to get emotionally tangled with any woman I was not interested in making any woman cry the way my father made my mother, because she eventually became an emotional wreck. We eventually got to know that daddy actually had other women and other children outside our home and that wasn’t until after his death. For me this was the most painful aspect, because really during those times, I used to believe my mother was overdoing things a little bit.

This, however, did not mean that I did not date ladies when I was growing up, but I made sure I spelt out what I wanted from the beginning of my relationship. This attitude of mine earned me a lot of names, but I really did not care because I never made any woman cry, at least none that I knew.

It however is a thing of surprise, even to me that I could find myself in this type of situation, today. It all started six years ago. My mother had another crisis, and we took her to the hospital, this time she was a little bad that she had to be admitted. I was her only unmarried male child, so I was always around her at the hospital. I made sure I visited her before I went to work in the morning and I go back to see her before going home in the night. Sometimes if I had enough time, I would visit her during office hours when my work schedule was light.

My main problem, started  at the hospital where I met Helen and her daughter.

I really cannot lay  hands on what the attraction was, but I liked her from the moment I met her. Her two-year-old daughter was also sick, she was on  admission too, and was being treated for measles.

Helen was always around, every time I went to visit mum, sometimes her mother and siblings would be around to keep her company. Sometimes, when I or my siblings, got to the hospital, mum, would ask us to thank her or her people as they had assisted her while we were not around. This got us talking, and I learnt that she was a youth corps member serving the nation at one of the big telecommunication companies.

She got pregnant for her boyfriend who travelled two years ago, and in fact her pregnancy became a controversy, until she gave birth to a little girl before her boyfriend’s parents accepted her, because she took after him.  He however, had never set eyes on the little girl, but once in a while his parents come around to visit and his mother made sure that she took care of the little girl.

We became close and we started dating afterward. I really liked Helen, I really had no choice and without knowing what hit me I fell in love with her. I never really believed that I could have any problem with her London guy or his family at any time. I was so used to her family and daughter that she actually called me dad.

Our relationship, however, had to wait this long before we decided to formalise our relationship  because she wanted to study for her master’s degree, I also had to travel out of the country for about two years.  Although, I had breaks and I came home often because of her and my mother.

Late last year when both of us had settled, we decided that it was time we tied the nuptial knot and we chose to get married in May this year because coincidentally, the three of us, Helen her daughter and I were born in May, this however, was not to be because her boyfriend and father of her daughter came back to the country in March and wanted her and her daughter back.

This was a guy who had earlier got married in the United Kingdom to a Nigerian lady and who had categorically spelt it out to Helen, in black and white that he was not interested in her and her daughter. He never at any time cared for both of them; it was his mother who took care of the little girl whenever she could. He came back to the country because his mother took ill and died, and according to him, his interest in Helen and her child was fulfilling his mother’s death bed request.

I thought Helen, loved me enough to call his bluff and tell him to go to hell, I thought I had found my ideal woman in her, because apart from the fact that she is pretty, she has all the qualities any sensible man would want in a woman and all the qualities I particularly want in a woman I want to spend the remaining part of my life with.

Having waited for this long to find a life partner, I didn’t feel losing her to another man would do my life any good. At the initial stage, Helen stood her ground and insisted she wanted nothing  from him, but she began to waiver when he started demanding for his daughter. She began to have a rethink. I never thought women could be so fickle minded. I am not really bothered about the fact that this man came back and started making problems, my problem however is Helen, because I felt she loved me to the extent that nothing could shake her feelings for me.

Sometimes, I wonder how women think, with all due apologies. This was a man she knew quite well that was married and has his own family; I however couldnt see why his threat to take his daughter away should give her any problem. I asked the question, which daughter? A girl who does not know him? A girl who calls me daddy and a girl I am ready to adopt and call my own for life, a girl I would love like my own child. A girl loved by every member of my family.

Helen really  destabilised me. I was shaken by her lack of loyalty to our love. Although we were able to settle the issue. Helen’s mother stood her ground and vowed that never  would Helen marry or have anything to do with this guy as long as she lives.

What if she wasn’t here? What if there was nobody to stand up to this guy except she was no more? What if a similar situation occurs after we get married or if we were already married before this guy came back, would Helen because of her love for her daughter abandon our marriage? Does she really love me?

Monica, I have my doubts, I really don’t want a situation that I would have to regret marrying her in future. Please, help me; I really need your advice before I commit myself to a life I would live to regret. My mother, siblings and friends, have assured me that all would be well, but I still have my reservations.

Does Helen love me enough? Does she trust me enough to be her daughter’s father? Or why did she ever think of going back to her daughter’s father? I am yet to find answers to these questions and I don’t think I will be happy until I can. Please, help me.

Adekunle.

[b]Let me tell you young man, love is not blind rather, an emotional attachment that comes from the inner self.
Being that this lady has a baby from this other guy; she must have emotional attachment that she cannot throw away. Listen, even if you have billions and spend on the same girl, ONLY she knows where she is coming form. You do not know her emotional love with the guy before both parted. You do not know if they have any spiritual covenant of which is only known to both of them. You cannot force her to love or marry you. If you go ahead to force her into this marriage, it will not last.

If you go ahead to marry the girl or this lady goes ahead to marry you, she will be sleeping with the father of the baby at your back. Nothing can stop this. Since you have noticed the traces, better back off and call off the relationship if you don't want to go through marital problems in the future. You cannot, I repeat, change her spiritual instinct. The taste of friendship is not the taste of marriage. Go down on your kneels, and ask your creator for your own wife. How can you claim that the child loves you and call you daddy? The baby is still a child and with time, must ask for her real father. Allow this lady to go, no matter what. You should even encourage her to go back so that you can get yourself free.

Marriage is not a bed of roses. How can you start as a single man by having problems now when the lady in question is having a child? Have a rethink and reason well. You are just been carried a way with her looks and certain qualities, but is she meant for you? No.[/b]

Op,u be cartoon or robot,wch one? U bring problem and ur replying to it by urself! Since u knw d solution to provide d guy,why creating a thread again. Besides too long and clumsy,i pass

@Excelboi

Sorry my fellow nairaland. This was an issue posted by one  Adekunle and needed public advise hence my posting and contribution. Excelboi, hope you are ok with my explanation

I dont have time to read this rigmarole

Foolish advice. Spiritual covenant between them? He should trust what she says and not assume that she will be unfaithful.

There is only one sin I can't pardon and that is DISLOYALTY. She can't be trusted i suggest you DUMP her and fast

Run run run pls let her go, if u want ur future 2 b peceful.

op
u can marry her,
but make sure u re ur father's son,

just make sure u have spare tyre (concubine) like u father in case of emergence, if she leave u in future.

Young man,even though it's hard and it's might not be what you want to hear,LET HER GO.If you go ahead and marry this Helen of a gurl,you would have a big issue in your hands that might tear you apart.Having a baby together isn't a trivial issue,it's serious and that's the reason she's having the rethinks.

So sad. I will advise u 2 let her go. If i were 2 be in your shoes, i would have wrote her off frm my mind. This is a big test 4 u 2 be very sure she love u come rain come sun bt as it is she only loves u come sun.

so poster, ur name is monica

kpanno kpanno, monica don kill me chai

-- junior n pretty