As long as both parties can coexist in the house...the idea of single parenting is still not ideal...as someone who is also a teacher... very good Mom create daddy resentment and those that fall short...well the kids just turn to shit. May God help us...if life is not in danger...try to create that balance in the household even if both adults are going through shit..you both owe it to the kids who didn't sign up for nonsense

amprat:
Dear Single Parent,[i][/i]

I am writing this to encourage you not to give up on the child(ren) that for one reason or the other have become your sole responsibility.

Few years ago, I was totally at a loss too and my only drive was to ensure that whatever was wrong would not affect these young ones because they never asked to be born or be in such situation.

I actually did not realise how far I had come until I started analysing and it occured to me that I might not be there yet but I am also not where I used to be. I was amazed.

I have tried to highlight below some of the nuggets that helped me navigate the early years of single parenting,( it gets better as they grow older)I hope it helps and encourages someone.


It's ok not to understand everything fully, one step at a time with a focus on the future is all you need.

*Selective deafness & Blindness: When you are a single parent you need to decide who to listen to and what you want to see. Some people will say things that will make you question your integrity, intelligence, moral standing and so much more, some would make you feel guilty for what was not even your fault, No one understands your story like you do, let them talk but never let them deter you from reaching your destination.
And if you made a mistake , forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness and move on, it's up to you not anyone(After All, they are not Assistant Jesus or God's P.A)

Who are you talking to & who is talking to you, whoever you are listening to that is giving you the vibe of Never, it is finished or you're such a dissappointment, please leave them. Don't be talking to people who do not have your interest at heart or believe any good thing can still come out of your Jerusalem.

Remember, single parenting is not the end of life and does not mean you should forget your dreams.
You may need to sacrifice for the children to get stability before you face your aspirations but never forget it. For example, I went back to school for my B. SC, got certification from my professional body and now I am saving towards having a M.sc. (The money is still not complete because one of them usually have one expense or the other and I have to spend it again)

PLAN,PLAN & PLAN: Have a financial budget, time budget, work schedule, house chore schedule for the children, food schedule, schedule for almost everything and achievements.

Never forget to be futuristic in your decisions, long term is always better and I cannot overemphasize ensuring that your children are well trained, don't overburden them but don't also over pamper them. single parenting becomes easier when the children are taught to be responsible, independent and can make intelligent decisions by themselves with little or no guidiance.

NO OVERSABI: My brother or sister, this is not the time to do OVERSABI or try to keep up with the Joneses, if you have to enrol them in a public school and support with a private tutor please do, don't have heart attack every new term which is every 3 months, don't join groups or clubs that will demand time or finance you can't give, aso ebi might not be feasible for some time, you might need to supplement meat with egg or garri for cornflakes, these are short term sacrifices to fulfill your long term goals.

DON'T DECEIVE YOURSELF: You see that mantra of what a man can do a woman can do better,na lie, we are created to balance each other out.
You can't be a father and mother at the same time, there is a part of a child's life either is supposed to fill, in the absence of a willing spouse, get support of family or friends, get them to interact with children with "complete" families for their mental, psychological and mental well being, at a point I sent my daughter to go spend a full school session with my sister who has kids her age and whose husband dotes on his kids, she was the youngest and I noticed she was beginning to have daddy issues. My brothers ( their uncles) fill in so they can have role models around, we sometimes go for family outings together, sometimes they drop them in school or stand in during PTAs, basically just try to fill in the gap with the right people, they can't take the place of the father but they can cushion the effect till they are mature enough to deal with it better.

MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS &SEXUAL DEMANDS:
While I understand that we all have emotional especially companionship needs and sexual demands, I beg you manage them away from the kids if you must indulge. Don't be introducing every man or woman that you get along with to them because it may come to nothing especially if you have children that want you to have a partner because of some reasons(sometimes funny reasons depending on their ages), don't mess up their emotions and sexual/ moral orientation, don't add pepper to injury, most of them dont know the meaning of just friends. Personally, male visitors were not allowed in my home, colleague ,church, business whatever until now that they are older. Especially if you are attractive (looks, intelligence or finance) and you are still getting attention from the opposite sex.
(I cannot help you on love matter biko , everyone wants a companion but my plate is full enough as it is with trying to sort our lives, I don't like the hypertension, self love is the beginning of true love.

sha don't forget to use your brain and maybe condom too in case you have the stamina for hearts issues)

Take your children's emotional and mental well being seriously, their self esteem is important, don't let them feel less because they are from a single parent home or they have less than anyone, paint a picture of a bright future for them to run with always.

Look out for the negative emotions that can lead to depression, frustration or transfer of aggression on the innocent children because you are angry at yourself, the situation or your estranged spouse.

Lastly, decide what you really want out of life and for the children, that will guide you in making long term decisions and give you strength for the short term sacrifices.

Finally, I am not sure you can survive without God. Love God and love yourself .
Remember, your life is not a rehearsal , you only live once.

Shokoloko:


OP stated the attached and yet you choose to write something she did not state. OP acknowledged the role fathers play.

My comment supports what she said.... the importance of the father role. Too many women believe otherwise.

thesicilian:

Like doesn't attract like.
In physics it's opposite poles that attract
Look around you, in most relationships decent men end up with bums all the time. Quiet ones pair up with loquacious partners, gentle ones with ruffians, etc
If you were so alike with your exes why didn't they work out?
The common denominator is actually the women who are mostly spoilt brats and only learn responsibility when there's no other option.

See how excited you appear because you have managed to achieve what your partner could have done times two of but while still receiving insults and condemnations from you because he's not as "rich as his fellow men."

Only in physical magnetic fields do opposites attract , but in relationships "birds of the same feather flock together" "show me your friends and I will show you who you are" "like attracts like".
Several people cannot be a common denominator (I am sure you understand the principle of common denomination) - only one person can be a common denominator. Common denominator is not plural, it is always singular.

Read up the dictionary meaning of acquaintance. Acquaintance is NOT a synonym for "Ex". It has a totally different meaning.

People end up with opposites but the relationship is tough, very difficult and prone to disintegration. There is a reason why singles are advised to marry someone who shares similar outlook on life.

Prevention is better than cure.

I can see you're still encouraging sexual fun and trying to make it mild by advising the use of condom. My take on that is, every single parent should sew their private part . As in.. total lock up until they get married otherwise theyll keep birthing more children or end up getting used and dumped, plunging them into more depression.

If you don't have sex you will not die. Na some people don dey 7years and still counting Dem never test sex e com be person wen don do so tay born, body still dey scratch. Sex suppose erase from the list abeg.

Jewessgratitud3:
Prevention is better than cure.

I can see you're still encouraging sexual fun and trying to make it mild by advising the use of condom. My take on that is, every single parent should sew their private part . As in.. total lock up until they get married otherwise theyll keep birthing more children or end up getting used and dumped, plunging them into more depression.

If you don't have sex you will not die. Na some people don dey 7years and still counting Dem never test sex e com be person wen don do so tay born, body still dey scratch. Sex suppose erase from the list abeg.

That is good advice from OP.
OP clearly stated that she doesn't allow males in her home and she doesn't have time for a relationship.

But let me tell you, sexual abstinence is best but how many Nigerians are real Christians? Most of us are religious (church or mosque going), not real Christians or Muslims. Not real change inside, mostly hypocrites. (I always say that Nigerians who are crying about the corruption in this country only do so because they haven't had the opportunity to steal from the National Cake).
Some of us do not have religions. Some are traditionalist.
She is saying - "I am going to abstain but if you are a false follower of a religion" like many Nigerians are please use protection so you don't create more children missing one parent.

How many single fathers do you know that can lock up for 6 months?

accordadoga38:
Hehehe

Even as a single mother, i trained my kids well so they won't one day wake me up with sidekicks

When you train your kids well, you have peace of mind

Train up your children so that you won't give birth to headless mobs

Not surprised that you are single

Jennyclay:
Nice write up.

And again… The economy is damaged beyond redemption . Men should please render help if they’re in a position to help, people are really going through a lot especially, widows, single mothers and single ladies.

May God help us.

With the way you drag men on this forum, one would think you are classy and sophisticated. Instead you still have the audacity to ask men for help. The same men you drag like Tiger generator.

Jennyclay:
Nice write up.

And again… The economy is damaged beyond redemption . Men should please render help if they’re in a position to help, people are really going through a lot especially, widows, single mothers and single ladies.

May God help us.

I can help you in exchange of a nice knacking with ur pussy

Shokoloko:

Only in physical magnetic fields do opposites attract , but in relationships "birds of the same feather flock together" "show me your friends and I will show you who you are" "like attracts like".
Several people cannot be a common denominator (I am sure you understand the principle of common denomination) - only one person can be a common denominator. Common denominator is not plural, it is always singular.

Read up the dictionary meaning of acquaintance. Acquaintance is NOT a synonym for "Ex". It has a totally different meaning.

People end up with opposites but the relationship is tough, very difficult and prone to disintegration. There is a reason why singles are advised to marry someone who shares similar outlook on life.

Acquaintance. Is that what you people are calling them nowadays? I hope it's not to numb the feeling of having so many exes that you've lost count?
You bring up the issue of dictionary meaning without any evidence of having come in contact with one for a long while. An acquaintance in its true dictionary meaning will have no place in our conversation since we're clearly talking about (romantic) relationships here. Except of course you were so "acquainted" with them that you opened your legs for as many as possible.
Anyways whatever you chose to call them - ex, acquaintance, entanglement, - doesn't negate the fact that you're gloating over what the father of your kid(s) would have done many times over without any appreciation from you and your ilk.

Shokoloko:

That is good advice from OP.
OP clearly stated that she doesn't allow males in her home and she doesn't have time for a relationship.

But let me tell you, sexual abstinence is best but how many Nigerians are real Christians? Most of us are religious (church or mosque going), not real Christians or Muslims. Not real change inside, mostly hypocrites. (I always say that Nigerians who are crying about the corruption in this country only do so because they haven't had the opportunity to steal from the National Cake).
Some of us do not have religions. Some are traditionalist.
She is saying - "I am going to abstain but if you are a false follower of a religion" like many Nigerians are please use protection so you don't create more children missing one parent.

How many single fathers do you know that can lock up for 6 months?

This is not even about religion. It's about preventing more births. Whether religious or not, you'll still feel the heat. Being non religious doesn't exempt you from the consequences of such actions. So both the religious and unreligious should be on guard.

Single fathers shouldn't even come into the picture here because they don't feel the brunch as much as the single mothers. So if they don't abstain, it doesn't really affect them as such cos they are not always at the receiving end.

thesicilian:

Acquaintance. Is that what you people are calling them nowadays? I hope it's not to numb the feeling of having so many exes that you've lost count?
You bring up the issue of dictionary meaning without any evidence of having come in contact with one for a long while. An acquaintance in its true dictionary meaning will have no place in our conversation since we're clearly talking about (romantic) relationships here. Except of course you were so "acquainted" with them that you opened your legs for as many as possible.
Anyways whatever you chose to call them - ex, acquaintance, entanglement, - doesn't negate the fact that you're gloating over what the father of your kid(s) would have done many times over without any appreciation from you and your ilk.

You digress boy. Bottom line is like attracts like, and if a person, whether male or female continues to meet people of certain composition, the problem is the person.
Everyone around you is a reflection of some attribute of yourself.
In this world there is NOTHING to change but yourself.
Let's assume I got intimate with everyone I got acquainted with. (You surely need that dictionary- acquaintances are not specifically male) for me to say that they were all responsible means there is something about me that attracts responsible people.
Argue from now till tomorrow you are the common denominator in your life.
There are people who are always fired from jobs, there are people who are always having misfortune around them, there are people who always enter one chance, there are people who constantly get their items stolen, there are people who are constantly lucky (like me) - It is not the circumstances. There is something about them attracting similar experiences to them.

Quite unfortunate to see an honest experience shared for others to learn just quickly turn to insult/abuse by people who had NEVER made a mistake..
There are more than a single reason why ANYONE could end up being a single mum...From death, to abuse (top on the list is physical abuse), to cheating! Yes cheating as it is a VALID reason, legally and 'biblically' why a separation might happen. I honestly don't know what the Quran says...Pls, let us be reasonably and fair in our judgement..
My former neighbour that I mentioned earlier had her hubby left to USA and no one hears from him again, it's been 8 years!!!!Just disappeared, are we going to blame her too? She even took a loan to pay for the flight ticket!!! Who knows what had happen!!!
It's not everybody that is a LovePeddler...some of us have daughters, sisters and I believe a woman birth us! Let's be fair in our assessment...

dapotemi:
Quite unfortunate to see an honest experience shared for others to learn just quickly turn to insult/abuse by people who had NEVER made a mistake..
There are more than a single reason why ANYONE could end up being a single mum...From death, to abuse (top on the list is physical abuse), to cheating! Yes cheating as it is a VALID reason, legally and 'biblically' why a separation might happen. I honestly don't know what the Quran says...Pls, let us be reasonably and fair in our judgement..
My former neighbour that I mentioned earlier had her hubby left to USA and no one hears from him again, it's been 8 years!!!!Just disappeared, are we going to blame her too? She even took a loan to pay for the flight ticket!!! Who knows what had happen!!!
It's not everybody that is a LovePeddler...some of us have daughters, sisters and I believe a woman birth us! Let's be fair in our assessment...

When I joined Nairaland in 2006, it was a gathering of level-headed people (lots of foreigners, diasporans and schooled Nigerians). There was mutual respect, hardly any name-calling.
Now it is a cesspool; most have left, few of us remain as the voices of reason. In almost every nairaland comment I can feel the bile beneath.
It is unfortunate.

Emaprince:
Soon as I saw this thread, I knew it's a woman.

Na them go wan turn motivational speakers on top single motherism, and aslo try to glamourize it as a successful lifestyle.

Didn't bother reading. There is no gain in being a single mother.

They just keep racking up body counts and getting emotionally damaged more and more.

You didn't bother to read and your mouth runs very fast. If you read the post,you would see she didn't glamorize it or say there is gain. You talk too much

There is no sense in single parenting

Mineisgrace:
There is no sense in single parenting

Honestly it's not advisable but sometimes LIFE HAPPENS!!!

tega192:
Omo so dollars na 1200 to naira ona nor protest , as na Yoruba person be president everywhere m quiet if na good luck ona nor go let us hear word

Na you dey trade black market ... official rate no pass 765... na una know Wetin una dey find

All these story are defence mechanism. A lot of those that decided to separate from their husband were regretting doing so. Two people loads you carried them on your head and you thought you didnt feel the pain on your neck. My sister that did it nearly ended up in psychiatric hospital if not the intervention of the whole family . If you had tasted the joy of a good and caring husband you will not like to be a single parent.

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My sister, I enjoyed your piece because of one thing: You never showed any bitterness, hate, anger against the father of your children or play victim and blame the other partner. You simply shared how God has helped you handle journey so far. I Salute your doggedness, determination and healthy minds you have built. May you see your lovely children grow to bring you joy always .

Jennyclay:
Nice write up.

And again… The economy is damaged beyond redemption . Men should please render help if they’re in a position to help, people are really going through a lot especially, widows, single mothers and single ladies.

May God help us.

Hahahahahahahaha


Why are you not asking women for help?

Jewessgratitud3:


This is not even about religion. It's about preventing more births. Whether religious or not, you'll still feel the heat. Being non religious doesn't exempt you from the consequences of such actions. So both the religious and unreligious should be on guard.

Single fathers shouldn't even come into the picture here because they don't feel the brunch as much as the single mothers. So if they don't abstain, it doesn't really affect them as such cos they are not always at the receiving end.

That's why OP mentioned the use of condom. Sexual intercourse is a biological feeling. To have sex is normal. OP is not a monk. It's funny how an unmarried woman as you try to dictate to a once married woman who has a child not to have sex.

Such an audacity!

Shokoloko:

When I joined Nairaland in 2006, it was a gathering of level-headed people (lots of foreigners, diasporans and schooled Nigerians). There was mutual respect, hardly any name-calling.
Now it is a cesspool; most have left, few of us remain as the voices of reason. In almost every nairaland comment I can feel the bile beneath.
It is unfortunate.

Well, the democratisation of the Internet brought about various people from all walks of life. Most importantly, the Nigerian economy has been bastardised so the average person is very frustrated and angry. Also, the Internet has afforded Nigerians to display their toxic tribalism, especially as tribalism affects national polity.

YoshihideSuga:


That's why OP mentioned the use of condom. Sexual intercourse is a biological feeling. To have sex is normal. OP is not a monk. It's funny how an unmarried woman as you try to dictate to a once married woman who has a child not to have sex.

Such an audacity!

Mtchewwww.. the same "biological feelings " that landed her into the mess she's trying to manage? Besides I wasnt referring to responsibly married women but then even though, even though... My point is get married properly before engaging in sex again because if the mistakes happen "biological feelings" will not be able to help you.

Wisdom is profit to direct. Life is not all about sex sex sex ... only animals live to have sex. Humans should do better.

Sex outside marriage has never brought anything good. Know this and know peace.

Jewessgratitud3:


Mtchewwww.. the same "biological feelings " that landed her into the mess she's trying to manage? Besides I wasnt referring to responsibly married woman but then even though, even though... My point is get married properly before engaging in sex again because if the mistakes happen "biological feelings" will not be able to help you.

brought anything good. Know this and know peace.

Read her diaries, OP was married. You have NEVER been married. What do you know?! Are you not Mercychen aka Blessedchen, the 40 year old prudish and sanctimonious virgin who planned marrying a 41 year old man whose salary is 100K?

What the fvck do you know about marriage, eh?!

YoshihideSuga:


Read her diaries, OP was married. You have NEVER been married. What do you know?! Are you not Mercychen aka Blessedchen, the 40 year old prudish and sanctimonious virgin who planned marrying a 41 year old man whose salary is 100K?

What the fvck do you know about marriage, eh?!

I wasn't referring to the op but her Post by the way, what has my age and moniker got to do with all this? Most of you here are very narrow minded. Any little thing you start making silly and dumb references that are not necessary. So what if I'm not married? Should that make anyone not to have self discipline or be sleeping around like dogs in the name of biological feelings? You're not making any sense as far as I'm concerned.

I'm outta here. Keep on wailing

Jennyclay:
Nice write up.

And again… The economy is damaged beyond redemption . Men should please render help if they’re in a position to help, people are really going through a lot especially, widows, single mothers and single ladies.

May God help us.

You hate men and you want men to help single mothers, widows and single ladies. What's the colour of your confusion aunty wru mumu?

phemmyfour:
Go back to your husband, and all these epistle won't be necessary

Very funny I am just seeing this after a year of my post.

I would have preferred if you had asked about what caused the whole rift before asking me to go back to a situation that you don't know what is involved.

Anyways, it's been 7 years of being without him,still having great relationship with his family who used to be my in-laws amongst other blessings.

So thank you for your advise, but no thank you sir. I take from my advice in the initial post, only me understand what transpired not you.

YoshihideSuga:


Read her diaries, OP was married. You have NEVER been married. What do you know?! Are you not Mercychen aka Blessedchen, the 40 year old prudish and sanctimonious virgin who planned marrying a 41 year old man whose salary is 100K?

What the fvck do you know about marriage, eh?!

Thank you @poster, I wonder what he understands about marriage and this is actually me speaking to single parents who understand what I am saying.

Exceed15:
My sister, I enjoyed your piece because of one thing: You never showed any bitterness, hate, anger against the father of your children or play victim and blame the other partner. You simply shared how God has helped you handle journey so far. I Salute your doggedness, determination and healthy minds you have built. May you see your lovely children grow to bring you joy always .

Thank you so much, I appreciate this. I sincerely also pray it helps someone.

godwon01:
All these story are defence mechanism. A lot of those that decided to separate from their husband were regretting doing so. Two people loads you carried them on your head and you thought you didnt feel the pain on your neck. My sister that did it nearly ended up in psychiatric hospital if not the intervention of the whole family . If you had tasted the joy of a good and caring husband you will not like to be a single parent.

Eyah, in your mind now everyone that's a single parent planned or wanted it.

Shokoloko:

That is good advice from OP.
OP clearly stated that she doesn't allow males in her home and she doesn't have time for a relationship.

But let me tell you, sexual abstinence is best but how many Nigerians are real Christians? Most of us are religious (church or mosque going), not real Christians or Muslims. Not real change inside, mostly hypocrites. (I always say that Nigerians who are crying about the corruption in this country only do so because they haven't had the opportunity to steal from the National Cake).
Some of us do not have religions. Some are traditionalist.
She is saying - "I am going to abstain but if you are a false follower of a religion" like many Nigerians are please use protection so you don't create more children missing one parent.

How many single fathers do you know that can lock up for 6 months?

You totally understand my point sir/ma, Thank you