laffs

yysl:

nt like that but like ds

yeah that was b4 the anouncement of the election result. because after the announcement, definitely one face must av changed.

This is to specially wish my baby clemy a merry xmas in advance.
Greetings for the rest of nairaland comes up later.

@Migines

Small boy! How u dey?


U don send my usual xmas hampers?

of course! and this year i made sure to buy you bigger dipers, as i imagine, yo're a bigger boy now.

En hen?

This ur profile pic, na u be that? Nna men u ugh ooo!

big baby?

ayusman16:

En hen?

This ur profile pic, na u be that? Nna men u ugh ooo!

So I heard.

This is to wish all nairalanders a happy new year.

the shame to u

experience is the best teacher!

D1KeleVra:

Happy New Year migraines migines.

just wen i was bout ta say a prayer 4ya. . . .you hadda go on n do that. why? you have no idea how much i hata ta see ma name get messed wit.

HAPPY NEW YEAR once again y'all

. . . .{im can do with that}. . . .same to you

Bill Clinton is in an elementary class and is
trying to teach the students what a tragedy is.

He asks if anyone knows. One kid stands up and
says, "I know. If I was in the street and got hit
by a car, that would be a tragedy."

Clinton says, "No son, that would be an
accident."

Another kid stands up and says, "I know. If we all
were on a field trip and the bus went flying over
a cliff, that would be a tragedy."

Again, Clinton says, "No son, that would be a
great loss."

The children are silent and then one kid stands
and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air
Force One and it just all of a sudden blew up and
you both died, that would be a tragedy."

Clinton thinks and then asks, "Now why would you
think that is a tragedy?"

The kid replies, "Well, because it definately
wouldn't be an ACcident. and it sure as hell
wouldn't be a Great Loss!!!"

When Jane reached the check-out, she learned that
one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear: "Price check on lane 12, Tampax, supersize."

If that was bad enough, somebody at the rear of
the store misunderstood the word "tampax"
for "thumbtacks".

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
the intercom:

"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car"

An indian walks up to the local house of ill
repute and tells the madam 'Me want women'. The
madam asks 'Do you have experience?' The indian
asks 'What's that?' The madam tells him to go out
and find a tree with a knothole and get
experience. The Indian comes back a few days
later and goes upstairs at the house of ill
repute with the madam's best girl. He tells the
girl to bend over. She complies and he hits her
across the bottom with a bed slat. She jumps up
and yells 'What do you think you're doing?' The
Indian replies 'Me check for hornets!'

Pregnant woman interview


Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Product Wording


This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean,

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

Real Friends


Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Best Left Unsaid


Store employees put up with a lot of shit. When jerks come into their store treating them like crap, there is a lot that goes through an employees mind they just can't just say without loosing their jobs,

You are obviously smarter than me, so if YOU can't figure it out, what the hell makes you think I can?

No, sir, I'm not hard-of-hearing, neither am I stupid. You just don't speak good English.

Do you notice that your bad behaviour is embarrassing your wife?

Do you want me to go ahead and call the manager, or do you want me to wait till you're REALLY pissed off?

I can tell you right now I'm not going to give you very good service, because I think you're drunk or possibly on drugs, and frankly, you scare the hell out of me.

No, sir, I can't do math in my head, but I can spell diarrhea.

I realize I'm ignoring you, but you're in here every three days with your bratty kid and you never buy anything you don't return.

Shame on you for using such language in front of your children.

You've been waiting 30 minutes? Why didn't you use the time to find it yourself?

If I were as smart as you THINK I should be, I'd be making a lot more money than I am now.

Don't complain about the fucking line up and then fumble through your purse for 5 minutes when you finally have your order taken.

Ahhhh thanks for that tip chief, maybe I can make a fucking phone call now!

No, really, I want you to call me every day to ask what time we close when we are open 24 hours a day.

Please bring in your fucking dirty cans and bottles that are filled with cigarette butts, piss, cockroaches, ants, And yes, you do have to put your nasty shit on a box, because ill be dammed if I touch that.

Oh yes, please let me search out that item that we haven't had for eight years and then bitch to me for a half hour about how we had it yesterday. We didn't, asshole!

Should I hand you the fries or shove them up your fat ass?

So you want a combo, but you want onion rings instead of fries, a stake instead of a burger, and you want a can of pop instead of fountain pop, WELL IT AIN'T A FUCKING COMBO NO MORE!!!

Well now that you've ordered your large popcorn with extra butter and 2 large chocolate bars, I'm sure that the large DIET coke will really do you some good and cancel out the 10,000 calories you are about to eat while you sit on your ass and do sweet Bleep all nothing for the next two hours.

You're an idiot. So are your kids.

You know I am off work and yet you insist on motioning to me, Well for some reason I have gone blind and can't see you. Dink!

Maybe you should buy a full length mirror before buying all that junk food.

What the Bleep are you standing around staring at the menu for, jackass?!?!? We've had the same goddamn menu for 25 years. Get the fucking quarter pounder!

Don't complain about the fucking line up if you have had the past 15 minutes to get your money ready and your only now fumbling through your bottomless purse for money. Get organized you old, useless, inconsiderate, ungrateful, sack of shit.

We're closed dumb Bleep, that's why I didn't take your order when you pulled through my drive thru!

No I won't make your sandwich without pickles, you can eat what the rest of fucking America likes!

Will you get out of my store so that I may clean up your fucking mess, so that I can go home?

I don't mind helping you Sir/Madame, but please go home and take a BATH!!!

OK dumbass, it was a choice of paper OR plastic. Not a combination thereof, just paper or friggin' plastic. Do you honestly think I care about the arse of your bags ripping?

No you slowpoke, I don't work here! I'm only here because I like to wear this name tag, sweep floors and hang around 10 to 12 hours a day for the fun of it!

You don't like the new layout of the store? OK, well Bleep off to another supermarket. I don't give a shit.

The food will never look like it does in the pictures. The food in the picture was plastic.

There was an elderly gentleman who was
suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife
of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He
would wander about never knowing where he
was or sometimes even who he was.
Finally she decided that she would have
to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was
filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly
the man starting slowly leaning to
his left. The nurse ran over and put a
pillow on his left side to prop him
up. A few minutes later, he started
leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his right
side. Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into
the chair.

About this time, his wife, having
completed the paperwork, walked up to him
and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't
let me fart."

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together
without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken
place.

Johnny Carson

Two ants, one black and one white , who were
freinds were looking for a place to stay in the
forest in vain for quite a few days. So one day,
they came across a cave which looks good and
they decided to check it out. The black ant
volunteered to go in and check while the white
ant wait outside. When the black ant entered the
cave, what he saw was amazing. The place was well
furnished and it is indeed a perfect place for
them. So he decided to go outside and tell his
freind, the white ant, about it. But when he is
on his way out, a worm bash it and attacked him.
The black ant fought bravely and in the end, the
worm got injured, vomited some white blood and
retreat. The black ant rush outside quickly to
tell the white ant about his encounter only to
see his freind laying on the ground injured too!
The black ant told him that he was attack by a
worm while inside the cave and manage to defeat
it making it vomit white blood. The white ant
reply :`That was nothing you asshole, compared to
the two big balls I was battling outside!

hmmmmmmmmmmm
so any time 4 guys enters a cab without an argument
they were just finished robbery.

sholabanke:

hmmmmmmmmmmm
so any time 4 guys enters a cab without an argument
they were just finished robbery.

English please?

Grins " "

bros i fear ur pattern of laugh

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