ZIMDRILL:


this is complex but it differs tradition of every tribe etc

where i came from son in law can ONLY pay bride price to the biological father in law or the women's family. if the child was raised by the mother alone, the biological father will
be present at the bride price day to witness and given a little token, but the large sum is given to the mum and her brothers



In my culture a step father can not represent a living biological father not matter the reason
they separated from the mother and whether deadbeat.

In my culture, if the father was absent when the girl was growing up and when she is getting married the biological father is invited to charge bride and the same time they will
charge him for being an absent father. if he had not paid bride price, they will charge him pride price, meaning instead of getting pride price from him daughter it will go pay the bride price of the girl's mother

For spiritual reason you pay bride price
to the biological father


In such situations your own family (son in laws) must guide you in finding the biological father or or his relatives, otherwise you pay pride price twice

Back to the story, lets say he pays bride price to the step father and in the long run the couple fights or have problems in house, which family will intervene to help ? the step father's family ? but if pride price is paid to the biological father its easy to seek help from relevent people from the biological father's family there are related by blood.

You have spoken well, bride price can't be paid to a foster father as long as the biological father is alive but the biological father will have to first perform his marital right if the child mother was dowry was not paid. Please let him see the biological father for discussion

My brother, you most not be deceive by anyone who can tell you to go ahead and paid for her dowry without seen the real father. the truth is that, when the biological father will get to know that his daughter has getting married without his knowledge. i swear the man will sue you to court for kidnaping his daughter.

the best think to do is to see the biological father no matter what it may take

issue of abandoning or not abandone do not have anything to with marriage. just do the right thing and have a clear mind on it.

My brother take my advice



Forget about the marriage look for someone else because you don't know where you are going to

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Not until you here from the real father you can't tell what happened. Though she might be right the choice is urs but you have elders seek their opinion. If truly the father wasn't here for her as she said then he has no business collecting bride price. But to avoid paying double money just here from the dad her mother

virginprincess:
It is your financee who decides the people you should and shouldn't meet in her family,since she said meeting her biological father isn't necessary i think you should let it be,she must have a reason for saying that,afterall the father didn't play a significant role in her in life so i don't see a reason why you should be concerned for a man who didn't care about his family,i think you should go ahead with the father figure in her life,afterall it was a man like him that took them in when he abadon them so her step father has every right over her and he should be appreciated for all his effort,it is not easy to take care of another man's child especially when the useless father is alive.

Don't judge from one angle.

Woman has filled her daughter with hate and bitterness.

You have to meet her biological father. To begin with ... you will not be at peace with yourself .... you need to meet to have a clear conscience. Next .. you need to find out everything you can about her before going into marriage ... not after. The girl has two biological parents ... you need to know family history of both ... what can be passed down from either side. What if her father side has a history of mental illness? .. and they are trying to hide that from you? What if her mother's side are are all "ritualists"? ... and the father learned the hard way? ... and may warn you so stay clear? The mother has raised the daughter... the daughter will be like the mother ... how well do you know the mother? ... the father may give you insights. Go meet the father... but for information only. It will not be right to pay him bride price because the mother is married to someone else who helped raise your fiancee. Over to you.

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Not until you here from the real father you can't tell what happened. Though she might be right the choice is urs but you have elders seek their opinion. If truly the father was there for her as she said hen he has no business collecting bride price. But to avoid paying double lmoney just here from the dad and the mother

Creamypie:
Oga, try locate him, no matter their explanation. Irrespective of his short comings. Tell them your family must acknowledge him. You will understand later. You have to hear from both sides. Your family have full right to meet him and his people.u may be surprised that she deliberately kept her father away from their lives after she met her husband, and us am to pepper the man when shes grown up.na so one wedding we attended in ogwashi uku, delta state, the girl mama no want us to meet her dad people ( dad is dead from stroke, cos of her mum wahala) even the man people were scared when we eventually went to meet them. Her mum made sure she isolated and seperated her late husband from his family, after which she frustrated him to b.p, stroke and eventual death. women

U re a type that would be finding problem where there is none.
If you are not comfortable with such arrangements, better to leave the girl, rather than investigating issue up and down.



.....ur personality is paranoid......

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

/

Don't make any life decisions based on some advice from females. Their positions are mostly driven by emotions. As a man you must integrate logic to balance things out. Out of curiosity, it wouldn't hurt to hear the man's side of the story. But the step-father deserves his respect and should be the decision -maker in the marriage rites.

/

That is none of your business please.
Do whatever her mom asks you to.
Just do as she says.

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

There is a reason something is called linage, u can continue allowing bitter people online to mislead you.

Bride price does not go.yo the stepfather it goes to the biological father's family if you know him, it is not a matter of emotion, it is a matter of tradition.
If you give the stepfather that money, take it that you are not traditionally married to that lady.

wisdomkid:



Did the Man tried to reach out to them all these years?
Did he at least, tried paying for her school fees or care?
Ever did anything for this girl to see that life was easy on her?

If not, no just dey dish stupid advice everywhere, as if you don't have people you hate too. I totally find it repulsive when people be acting as if the world is all black and white. If that man didn't acknowledge his daughter till now, what right does he have in her life now as an adult?

what role did he play in her life?

We'll be dishing out good ol advice online, and acting the direct opposite in real life.

Peace sha... Nigeria's problem is too plenty to make an enemy of someone because of their opinion.

Once again, PEACE, LOVE and LIGHT

the groom to be wasn't there when fight started. He shouldn't be Caught in d middle

Micheal56:
Please get this clear
Your father is the one that take care of u not the one who gave birth to you

Can we tell this to a woman

mrmislim:


Wait, you mean if your wife abandon 3 children with you who are less that 5 years old and they are now in their 20s and one of them is getting married, you’d look for her and make her attend the wedding, greet people, drink and merry? Because obviously she carried their pregnancies and she’s their mother just for the sake of formalities?

Please answer this sincerely, after that I’ll know what to say to you.

And those words are very much necessary.

If the prospective partner of my child that want to get married want to see the mother that abandon then, that's his/her wahala.

The partner can go meet her and see her. I don't have any business with the mother again so if the partner want to see the mother, it's not my business and I don't have any problem with it

I'll say...
Put yourself in the step father's shoes..

Isn't that unappreciative and wasted investment?

bukatyne:
It is things like this that give men the guts to mess up, be deadbeat dads and be assured that someone is coming to look for them tomorrow.

For goodness sake how do people take side without hearing from both sides? You never even find out if this was all true or not and you've started castigated the real father and what of if the real mother sold fake narrations to the daughter and denied the father access because of her own selfish reasons? See don't take side until you know what really happened from both side because life is more deep that hearing from one side and the mother might be lying.

MetaBroadband:
Thank you all for your excellent contributions. Please note the following:

1. They said the man abandoned them, but what if it's not actually what happened, so let's not be emotional.

2. I'm not paying the bride price to the biological father, but there should be an understanding between both fathers at this point. because if the child was taken away from the man or if he had acted as a child then, both parents can come to an understanding so that my wife won't hurt any part of the tradition in the course of our marriage.

3. I know that my mother inlaw would be angry, but I still feel it's my right to know. What if something bad happens to my wife because she married in a way that violates her tradition (give Caeser things to Caesar)

4. I'm doing this for my fiancee not me, because as far as I've paid my bride price nothing can come to me, but if anything comes to my wife, it automatically affects me. So it's not just her and her mum's business.

Thank you as you put this thoughts into consideration as well.

Please excuse typos

If you're not paying to him, why the second bolded?

Except he gives approval. And if he says he wants to play his role, let nobody object him. Except the your mother in-law knows he's not the real father.

Chief I know what I'm saying.
You see the second bolded? That's the real deal

Stevenbright:


See don't get into what is not your business.

Although, if truly the mum current husband is the one who took care of her and raised her up till this point, then he is the one who you should relate to because of the responsibilities he has undertaking on her.

But again, on the other hand, you need to also find out the real truth just to know it not because you want to accord her biological father the fatherly role but to make sure her mum was not the problem vis-a-viz taking the child from her biological father illegally to another man so that you will not be at the risk of getting married to someone who can do such wicked acts to you too.

Let me ask you since this is a general platform. Are you married? Cos only a medical personnel can give health advise. I pity who ever takes this your advise.

You better go meet her real father and ignore these online people. Later you will regret it if you don't.

1. Make an independent investigation to know if the man actually abandoned the woman and the baby and never asked about her
2. If there is case of abandonment don't still give up if (i) the culture of the people suggests that the girl is still the daughter of her biological father despite having a foster father who took her responsibility as step dad (ii) Should (i) above be the case ensure your family meets the girl's mother privately to sort the issue in a such away that the biological father will be involve in the marriage for the girl to receive fatherly blessings that is very necessary in marriage. Many we tell it doesn't matter since she abandon her but it matters much
3. Ensure that when you marry you will take care of the foster father very well. A workman is entitled to his reward
4. Don't abandon the girl if she insist the biological father shouldn't be involved knowing fully well she is kind of a girl you want to marry consult more people such as priest, her maternal uncles etc to make sure you have her and mother convinced

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Find the man low key if you can, tell him your intentions. His daughter is getting married no matter how deadbeat they make him look, it would make him happy and he might just tell you his own side of the story.

That way you would know more about the mother that raised your soon to be wife.

Find out what her own tradition says.
This is a matter for the elders in her family.

oweniwe:


If the prospective partner of my child that want to get married want to see the mother that abandon then, that's his/her wahala.

The partner can go meet her and see her. I don't have any business with the mother again so if the partner want to see the mother, it's not my business and I don't have any problem with it

Yeah I get, so if he wants that you’ll tell him to go ahead, deliberate on how she wants her owambe to be and you guys will sew matching clothes as daddy and mummy of the bride ? Please answer sincerely like you previously did.

MetaBroadband:
Good morning mature men and women in the house. Please I need your help on this topic.

My Fiancee told me about how her biological dad abandoned her and her mum after getting her mum pregnant.

Her mum later married another man who adopted her as his child.

Now she's grown and I've proposed to her, I wanted to go for her official introduction and list collection.

Would it not be nice to hear the biological father's opinion? Should I just ignore the fact that the man is still alive and proceed with the marriage arrangement?

Although she said I should not bother about that, but this is Nigeria and as an Akwa Ibomite I don't think it's proper. Although she's against me trying to find out about the man's opinion. Should I care?

What can you say about this?

Note: she only told me that the man abandoned them, but what if it was her mum that actually took her away?

Sometimes stories like this come out to be lies or they might be hiding something from you.

don't only hear their own side of the story. I will advise you to go find out your self either send your brother or father or any member of your family that you trusted to go see the father or meet any member of her fathers family to find out things your self without your fiancee or her mother/step father knowing. It is very important don't neglect the father.

Don't go and inherit what you can not come out of In the name of marriage.

Reasons why some men don't want to end up with a single mother , after training the child or children as the case may be , at the end of the day those children do crawl back to their deadbeat fathers same for deadbeat mothers .

Your biological child or children is your own pride that no man can take away .

Most people are ungrateful, anything you're doing, just do it for righteousness sake without expecting anything from it , if they appreciate your efforts, good and fine , and if they don't , life goes on .

No matter what might have happened between the biological father and mother, it is not your business. What you need to do now is to meet two of them. One tree can not make a forest, Mother didn't born her alone. The step father has his own role to play if biological father is not alive. Be careful of the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with, to avoid what happened to her father not to come back on you. Women can hide the truth to achieve their desires. My friend, go and make more research from the biological fathers' relatives even if you are not going to meet her father. Try to see someone from biological fathers' side to avoid had I know in future.

Mo Abudu took her daughter to Abeokuta to her biological father for the traditional wedding. This is despite the fact they havent seen in decades. FYI Mo Abudu is British by birth.

oweniwe:


@ sisisioge MetaBroadband, Biglittlelois, mrmislim

Bride price/wedding stuffs, are all "just a formality.."

Just do whatever you think is right to balance all sides to fulfill all righteousness and after everything, a few days, it's all over.

You don't owe anybody any explanation again

Any how the bride want to handle her family side relations thereafter, is her headache.

It doesn't concern the husband again.

So just a few days, close eyes and clear everything. Nothing bad in that.

If the bride or her mother are insisting on not contacting the biological father, its a sign of toxicity/bitterness, Its better to leave the relationship because that toxicity/bitterness can be served to the husband in the future.

If the bride in particular and her mom cannot accept to relate with her biological father for a few days just for the purpose of wedding, then it means after marriage they cannot tolerate/will be rigid and uncompromising ... It's big red flag.

The kind of home, you will call wife, sit down let's talk... She no go hear word dey form strong head

See , what I will tell you is to ignore those who are saying you should ignore the biological father. Many things could have caused the biological father to be detached from his daughter. The mother could have separated from the father because of financial status of the man. The step father might have used money to oppress and suppress the biological father. The mother too might have been the cause of the separation and if care is not taken, the daughter too might do the same thing to you if she sees a richer man later. So, find out the truth from both sides and make peace with the biological father if you too want to have peace in your marriage. And apart from that, it's not even your business to know who's guilty or not. Make peace with everyone and you are good to go.

Sort this out with much wisdom and prayers before you get married. Marriage is far beyond bride price, wedding day and merriment. Hmmm sort this out before you pay anyone any bride price. This is will make or mar you if u aren’t careful. We are all physical and spiritual being.

I am very disappointed you are looking for people's opinion on this matter as an Akwa ibomite that you are...
You want to ignore the teachings of the past and carry on without doing the neccesary things? You fiancee and her mom said you should forget about him and you want to forget? Only if he is dead that you will sweep it under the carpet.
Go and make your findings, give the biological father something, get his blessings, thats the right thing to do.
Don't go against tradition.