did u just say one of d best? i guess dat was a slip of tongue. we are talking about d best coach any team could ever wish for i mean dis guy is just 2 much. after winning with  a  small team like porto and u expect him not 2 succeed with a team like chelsea, dats absolutely impossible

bizzy body, send a mail 2 ur coach 2 advice his boys 2 start diving and faking injuries and lets see wat their season would end like

when Real madrid were buying all the big names nobodyn complained. y is dat wen chelsea are now using wat dey ve 2 get wat dey want, u jealous ones can't stop envying dem

guys wats up with dat teenage sensation called freddy adu. anyone knows were he's heading 2

all u chelsea haters y cant u just leave us alone. or is now a sin 4 someone 2 progress i tire ooooh. join us now or be a loser 4 life

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again,

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys, and this guy's got two of' em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change,

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

An ambitious yuppie business man finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did youget here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man."You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please;

would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know, " She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean--?", he swallows excitedly,
" I can check my e-mail from here, ?"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him "What the hell did you do to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? Today morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"

Another patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?" He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

Still another patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!"

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right, right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

A young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are"!

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

A man was driving and came to a stop sign. He slowed down long enough to check if any cars were coming, and then proceeded through the intersection.

A police officer saw it happen, and pulled the guy over.

The man asked, "what did I do, officer?"

"You ran that stop sign over there," the officer said.

"No, I slowed down!" the man said.

"But you didn't stop," said the officer.

"Slow down, stop, what's the difference?!" asked the man, getting agitated.

The officer took out his nightstick and started to poke the guy in the chest. "Now," said the officer, "do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"

A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob."

"What is the knob, doctor?", she asked.

"It is a procedure where we install a knob under the hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."

"Oh, yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly. The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger.

As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and viola! Her face was beautiful again.

One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags.

"You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied.

After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a DAMN checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, DAMMIT. I said I want to open a DAMN checking account, NOW!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no DAMN problem," the man says.
"I just won 50 million bucks in the DAMN lottery and I want to open a DAMN checking account in this DAMN bank, OKAY?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this BITCH is giving you a hard time?"

A doctor gave a 92-year-old man a physical exam. A few days later he happened to notice the man walking down the street with his arm around a gorgeous young woman and grinning from ear to ear.


The next time he encountered the man, the doctor said, "You are really doing great, aren't you?"


"Just doing what you said, Doc," the man agreed. "You said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

"I didn't say that," replied the doctor. "I said you got a heart murmur. And be careful."

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque
with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, for debiting my account with 50 pounds
by way of penalty, and for the way this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by
these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000,
taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the
following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application For Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of her medical history must
be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I
will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required
to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided through an extensive set of menus:


1. To make an appointment to see me;

2. To query a missing repayment;

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
extension of living room to be communicated at the time the
call is received;

5. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am still sleeping;
extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call
is received;

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to a call
of
nature; extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the
call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may on occasion
involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of
Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble with a guard
at every door and the vaults are filled with silver that the
miners sweated for!"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of 20 pounds per A4 page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed at 35p per minute of my time spent
in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter
of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75p a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't
come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries
brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone sitting on one of the benches rings. One of the men pick it up and the following conversation ensues:

Hello?

Honey, it's me.

Sugar!

Are you at the club?

Yes.

Great! I am at the mall, two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat, it is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?

What's the price?

Only $1,500.00

Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much,

Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001models.

I saw one that I really liked. I spoke to the salesman and he gave me a really sharp price, and since we need to upgrade from the BMW that we bought last year,

What price did he quote you?

Only $60,000

OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

Great!, before we hang up, there is something else.

What?

It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and, I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw that house we looked at last year, it's on sale!!! Remember? The one with the pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property,

What's the asking price?

Only $450,000, a magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover,

Well then go ahead and buy it, but put in an offer of $420,000, ok?

OK Sweetie, thanks! See you later. I love you.

Bye, I do too,

The man hangs up, closes the phone flap and raises his hand while saying,

















, does anyone have any idea who this phone belongs to?!!

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat

Queues for the bathroom don't exist

You can open all your own jars

All your orgasms are real

You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around

You can go to the bathroom without a support group

When your work is criticized, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

Nobody wonders if you swallow!!!!!

If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

Chocolate is just another snack

Flowers fix everything

You never have to worry about other people's feelings

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours

Reverse parking is easy

Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows

You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In fact you encourage them

Car mechanics tell you the truth

You can quietly watch a game on tv with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you

You never look at a baby's head and cringe

The whole world is your urinal

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area

One mood, all the time

The remote control is yours and yours alone

No such thing as hovering half an inch above the toilet seat

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began

peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night.

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he sinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment.

"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water?"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, "

A very successful Nigerian Man parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a trailer passed by too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The man immediately grabbed his cell phone, called the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the panel beater did to it.

When the man finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.

""How can you say such a thing?" asked the Man.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh My God!" screamed the man,

"My Rolex!!"

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

yeah guys i meant Bleep