Ok, let me add my two cents, there are some kind of women who cannot differentiate getting married for the sake of getting married and getting married because you love someone.

I was involved with one of the kinds of ladies that had her whole clan forcing her to get married, and her biological clock was ticking i think. So what happened is that she was very open to any man. 3 months down the line, i realized this woman has issues to do with submission, she was a lawyer and she was just talking about rights of the woman, rights of the child, rights bla bla bla.

which african man will have rights in his house? So i told her listen we are not going anywhere with that lawyer attitude of yours. You are becoming a future wife, so plz drop the legalistic jargon.

Guess what? She went around saying i was committment phobic bcoz i couldnt deal with a "tough" woman.

I told her, plz take your legalistic speaking terms to the moon.

Now tell me, if you are a man and realize that the woman you are dating really wants to get married "for the sake", just to please the clan/family etc, but she isnt wife material, will you commit?

Why do people say that society pressures women?

It is women who pressure themselves, they way they talk to one another tells it all. You never hear men asking other men, when are you getting married?? This domain is a womans domain, Aunties, sisters, mothers, all put pressure on their fellow related female folks to "settle down".

Its not society, its fellow women. If women could learn to talk without aksing that very irritatin question to fellow women who are not married, life would be better. But nowadays there is no genuine conversations, all coversations especially at the homefront are like interviews for a job.

When are you getting married? Where is your boyfriend, get married, bla bla bla.

Where did anyone sign a contract with anyone that they would get married by a certain age? And do people know that marriage is not like picking mangoes from a tree. Its a laborious process of dating and accepting one another.

Ideally. I say ideally with alot of caution. Ideally a man and a woman should have orgazm together, but it doesnt happen   

Ideally a man should get married between 27-30, that is when for most men things have stabilized.

For women, (city women) they should get married between 24-27. Sorry to say but after 25 years a woman loses her looks and start to look old and advanced.

These are the kinds of posts you get when a rural boy gets access to the internet, they think they are the first one to discover a poem from a romance website or a foward email and they post it with all excitement they can. (sorry for being this hard,, realy)


Mr geolabious, not that your post is bad, just that it has been around for a while, and when i say a while, i mean it has been on the internet for the last 5years or so.

If you plagiarize something from the internet, at least acknowledge the original write.

But a bigger sin that plagiarizing is posting stuff that first appeared on the net in 1998. No. Honestly girl, if you are gonna write something be original. Dont post stuff that circulates on e-mails as fowards and has been in our inboxes for the last 9years! Its just boring and earth shatteringly dull.!

Its hypocritical the lame answers give for this lady to move on.

A man pays to bring you to europe, you discuss marriage and having kids and then tommorrow you move on. Pliz.

Gal, ride it out. Not talking to him means you are giving him an opportunity to get back to you, not that you are divorcing him.

Fight for what you believe in. But note that if he paid the price to bring you over, he expects your manners to be above B+. It is quite painful for him to bring you to Europe then for you to insult him. (Pliz watch your tongue in the future, if a man sacrifices that much, he does not expect to be mistreated.). That is in the past though.

Stick it out. He will come back. You will get married, and you will live a good life.

I need to know the psychology of a woman who decides not to marry but then have a kid.

I am talking of the independent woman. How does she arrive at the point?

Secondly, how does she orient the her child on the where abouts of her daddy, coz the child is gonna see alot of many children with daddies and will ask where hers is.

What about the psycho-social development of that kid. What happens when they grow up believeing that a man can be a woman and a woman can be a man?

Open and shut case. I cant even think of anything more to say. You answered your own question

Girl,


let me give you sober advise.

1. Do not listen to any of these women telling you to "move on" as if you run your life like a switch bulb. today on, tommorrow off. A relationship is a process. So dont try to be a "diva", another name for a woman who lies to the world that she has no emotions. You sound like a nice gal, which leads me to the second piece

2. You did the crime. So do the time. Its that simple. Dont try to shorten the period for "punishment" that he is meting on you. If youve accepted that you wronged him, then accept the punishment. Dont make it longer by pleading, begging,, and then feeling bad abou the pleading and begging. All it does is make him lengthen the time.

Just say, Honey, i am sorry for saying XYZ and i understand that i hurt you, i would like you to forgive me coz i really love you and wouldnt want distance and space to come between us.[color=#006600][/color]

After you have said that: KEEP QUIET. Yes. SHHH, KEEP QUIET. Dont nag, dont ask if he received the message, just shut-up. And trust that he will come to his senses.

Contrary to "popular wisdom" that i am reading here, people (especially men) do not flip their characters like that. If you have invested yourself in the relationship then you can be sure he will be drawing a long list of your positives and your negatives, and if your positives out-weight your negatives, HE WILL CALL YOU.

However if be4 the argument you were rude and always bitchy, its gonna be the end. But trust the normal human reactions to save your day. Try and be a diva, superwoman and all these modern day diva nansense and your relationship will end for good.

Be the gal he knows, simple, straightfoward, honest, respectful and lastly, be sorry. it should turn things around.

You are very orieope. Dont you know you have to treat women specially? She talks about her work and co, so what? Maybe you are boring and dont ever raise a topic, all you want is to fu ck her? Why eont she talk about what she can talk about? Now she hasnt called you in 8 days, look you have lost this nice African woman, u have to look for another woamn who will only talk what you want her to talk about. instead of you to treat her like egg, you have thrown her to the floor and made it to break, in short, the next thing to break will be your pe.nis.

___________________________________________________________________________
Akpan,

please help me understand, without throwing around hollow words, what you mean by "treating a woman specially" and how talking about work 24/7 helps strengthen a relationship?. You know its quite easy to respond to what is inside your head rather than the question that has been posted. I guess that is what you have done.

So i am boring? How did you know about this and i didnt mention it? (lets try and concentrate on the topic plz) I said i try to put forth topics that are mutual, and while i do so, i usually get in response examples drawn from her place of work, in other words i find myself struggling to contribute everytime she brings out a topic becoz she (daznt/cant/or both) talk in mutual terms, she talks about her work, her boss, her workmates and its quite obvious that unless you work in the same office with her, you would be lost for what to contribute.

So yes, i guess it is quite obvious that she is a career woman and anyman who wants her, has to decide whether to be second choice to her work.

Listen akpan,  i am not looking for a woman to talk about what i want her to talk about. I am looking for a woman who has space inside her head for a relationship and who places it on a higher scale than her work. while i am not a millionaire, i believe i gave her my best, i told her that i was looking at this relationship long term and i did not talk about expecting sex, (which is the second agenda in most relationships in Nairobi) ie as soon as a girl agrees to be yours, the next thing is, when is she unleashing the goodies? i talked about settling down and marriage, in other words bigger things than sex, i talked education of kids, i talked upbringing of kids, i talked investments. I talked stuff that i think any sensible woman would construe as "stability, direction and leadership" I also talked about the small things of life, the general stuff.

I think i carried myself in a manner way above the kind of guy you think i am. I am far, far, far above the image you are carrying inside your head of me.

Hallo Noetic.

actually i am in that difficult period where i have been snobbed and she is not talking at all. For 8days now. She isnt pickin fone, she isnt replying to text.

Hallo fellow africans

i am from kenya and i need to hear some answer from somewhere else (so pliz dont use words that are only known to nigerians coz i wont understand)

My prob is as follows. I met a girl whom i asked to be my gf, and she agreed. During our first two dates, we discussed our pasts and she told me that she previously had a bf, who left her after he got rich. However she derives alot of pleasure because he keeps calling her and asking her to be his galfriend again. He is the one who initiated the breakup. She told me that during their breakup moment, she told him that he would never find a woman like her. And he told her likewise (she would never find a man like him), anyway, so he keeps bugging her to be his galfriend again, and she keeps reminding him of his statement, bla bla bla, (she has never agreed to be his galfriend), but she agreed to be mine.

After listening to that, i told myself that this is a woman who daznt make clean breaks with the past, she hangs alot to the past. I am not that kind of guy, if i break up with a woman, i forget her and move with my life, that way i have less baggage to carry.

So we started the relationship, then i discovered this woman is a work-a-holic, she has big dreams and so on. Nothing wrong. Only that during our moments together, she talks alot about her work, what her boss told her, what her workmates tell her. bla bla bla, 90% of the time, its about her work, her work, if not, its about her future, what she wants to do, bla bla bla. She daznt talk about US. ie me and her.

So i pointed this out to her, i told her that a relationship is not built on her dreams of work, and work, but on cultivating a relationship. I asked her, honey if we get maried, surely, will we build our marriage on your conversation about work and your dreams? She told me that is who she is, and that conversations about us need to come from me.

After two weeks, i thought this was too much and i told her to cut down the talk about work and talk more about her feelings and topics that are mutual, where i can contribute. I usually try to do that, but she inevitably turns them to her work, boss, family, bla bla.

So last week i told her i feel that this relationship is very shaky, bcoz it has no substance. I told her that her contiual focus on her work is making the relationship shaky. She said nothing. When i called her, she refused to pick the fone, when i texted, she refused to text back, for 4days. So i thought, this is is stupid, you want me to cuddle you back. So i told her that if she didnt talk to me, i would end the relationship. She hasnt talked in 5 days now.

Take note though, she has her positive points: She does not gossip, and is very respectful, she is organized and has told me that she would readily be submissive to me.

But now that she isnt talking about anything. Should i end this?

The part about sex for a man being an expression of feelings;

lets make a deal, its gonna be that way 20% of the time. The other 80% sex is gonna be an exercise to feel pleasure in the pelvic area of a man, thats the truth.

Ok,
I appreciate this long article, but i need our african women to tell us, which man wants to go thru a forest of societal/superficial implications in order to get to the core of his woman, all in the name of love. Really, who? Whats the need of living your life as a fake (as a woman) and giving the responsibility to "un-fake" you to a man, and getting all wound up about it?

Women must take responsibility for allowing their minds to be corrupted by superficial societal standards at the expense of their relationships, and personalities. They must take it upon themselves to chose way before hand what they want to believe in. Living a lie for 20+ years and then asking your man to take responsibility for un-doing the damage your lies have caused in your love life is a big NO, NO! It sucks and only an angel of a man will take it upon himself to do all that. If before you get to the core of the woman, you have to go thru layers and layers and layers of self imposed societal lies, secrets, taboos, and wotnots, unless you lie to yourself as a man, therz no way you are gonna go thru this.

Men are not that pretentious, and my bet is this. Most men will not bother to go thru those layers. Its too cumbersome/laborious not to mention un-romantic. If to have sex with a woman you have to go thru 789 steps (which are labelled, not hard ), but which obviously are a series of contradictory messages from the woman who is supposed to be your wife is really spoiling the marriage situation.

If women can be real with themselves first, before asking men to be real with them then men can start this ardous, very laborious task of showing appreciation to their woman.

But asking men to be communicative, appreciative, romantic, and wotnot,,, TO A WOMAN WHO ISNT ALL THAT TO HERSELF, is asking the impossible, if not setting yourself up for a straight up rejection.

How do you expect a man to be truthful to a woman who lies to herself? How do you expect a woman to receive sexual satisfaction when she has denied herself the right to do so?
Asking a man to help you deconstruct your internally, self-formed layers of lies in order for him to then download his version of the same to you, jeez, who wants to do ALL THIS LABORIOUS WORK??

I say, no. Women, first deal with yourselves, remove all those cobwebs you have taken years to form, then come to us. But plz do not make us your psychotherapists, no,

I want to be your romantic man, i dont want to be your therapist, honestly. Have you ever used the marriage bed to change the diapers of a baby on your matrimonial bed? That is what women are asking us to do in this. Appreciation in the sense its put in here, doesnt go towards enhancing your relationship. Its used to first sort out the womans self-imposed societal shenaningans. After it has done that, it now comes of age as a tool to help the relationship grow.

If you ask me as a man, i will chose the woman who has sorted herself out internally, ANYTIME, ANYDAY, over that one with 890876436 layers of this and that and the other, and trying to see whether letter "a" can be inserted into "b" inorder that "c", forgerrit.