You are not a bad person OP, you are only reacting like a normal person would to maltreatment and injustice.

A lot of men unfortunately don't understand what it means to be a leader after marriage, they dont understand that their families must be protected and the wife must be shown love.
I don't know why many of them become so cold blooded and cruel to their wives after marriage. I am in different facebook groups for married women and if you read some of the things the ladies write sometimes you will feel like crying for them.

I am truly sorry that you had to pass through all of this, please try to be strong. Get a hobby or something else to distract you from your husband's behaviour so you don't overthink and become depressed or develop high bp. The truth is that majority of males will NEVER understand how their insensitive actions affect their wives, males are not naturally as sympathetic and caring as females, please try to be strong and try to ignore him and his behaviour.
Only leave if you are very sure you will be able to sustain yourself and the kids and your leaving will not jeopardize their futures in anyway.

I could relate to some of what you wrote, my hubby brought his best friend to the house too and started to disregard my feelings and talk down on me in front of him just to make his friend happy, I even started a thread on Nairaland about it. That period I started to withdraw and stay in the bedroom away from both of them because I didn't want the constant putdowns and insults he is fond of insulting me whenever people are around, not just his friend. I am an introvert and he is very extroverted and good with words so he just blurts out anything he feels like and even tells lies against me because he is always talking.

I cant count how many negative things this man has said about me behind my back in the past, to family and friends. This is someone that doesnt provide for me, I have a heart condition and he knows it but keeps doing things to stress me out and leaving the bulk of housework for m even when I was very sick and weak in bed, he kept sending the children to me for me to take care of them because they were disturbing him. I dont even want to go into details of everything so I dont hijack your thread but the important thing is to make as much money as possible and save for a day or time when you may have to bail yourself. That is what I am doing currently.

I didn't say you must leave him becaue it is possible you might reconcile your differences and become lovers of each other in future but save money in case anything happens.
Save, save, save and hide your money from him because he will try to take it away if he finds out you have a lot of money. Save to provide the best life for your kids, I felt very bad when you said your hubby let's his brother change the tv station even when your kids are watching their cartoons. Aside the fact that he ought to have put his kids first, how much is television again? Some direct Belgium televisions go for as low as 23k in the market, you can save and buy for them but don't let it cause more trouble in your house.

Untill you can leave the house please look for something to do to make yourself happy, don't focus on him but focus on your kids instead and double your hustle.

Majority of women are not happy in their marriages, na bear them dey bear.

mariahAngel:


How was he (treatment to you) before he married you?
Were there signs of the type of person he is?
Do you regret marrying him?

1. Pretended big time, I even had to ask of his niceness was fake cos of my gut instinct but he took offense at the question
2.No
3. Yes

I married a troublesome person that loved making things hard for me at night when we slept on the same bed, he would regularly push me to the very edge of the bed or kick me or elbow me till I moved to the edge and was no longer comfortable.
After our first baby I decided to move to a foam on the floor of the room with our daughter for more comfortable sleep, that was when he became angry and was complaining that married couple should sleep on the same bed, when he was the one that pushed me out in the first place.

Long story short, marry your friend and a compassionate person and you will always want to be with them and sleep on the same bed, no matter the discomfort you might feel but your feeling of love and togetherness will help you overcome.

sheffyli:
My Life Story.
I believe anything that has a beginning surely will have an end,My life has been a mystery to me since the day have realised am doing a big mistake. Since the time have mature I have understood marriage is not a bed of roses because I really studied my parents Marital life before I put. My self into it,i believe a lot in myself and I have been an Independent lady. And putting myself first in anything am doing but now I think am in a big shit.whenever am in a relationship I stay in the relationship and I go for what I want and suit me.i don't care about a man money.
I so much love my business that i don't bother myself with anybody because I was not brought up in a rich family but I want to live rich,i want to do good things in life, I want to have great achievements want to enjoy everything in life.
Since the time a put my parent first that is the time I realised am doing a big mistake in my life,i lost my the man i meant to marry all because of religion palaba which I don't even have problem with but I just need to satisfy my parent because they don't want exchange of religion. All that is my past,my present is now a big problem for me,i got married almost 4years ago,buy it been in marriage for mess.i love the person I got married to not because of money or anything else but love him for is personality after and before the marriage. Before the marriage i got to know he doesn't have a united family after the marriage my life have change to what I don't expect, but to b sincere I still love my hubby.But how will i be coping with a man that won't follow my advice, how will cope with a man that doesn't have a source of good income? How will I cope with a man that don't give any support to me in my personal life after 2kids,i have try all my possible best to make all this workout but I just do not think i can continue this way.
I do not want to regret my future and I don't want to loose my family. Am feeling disappointed on myself am regretting my past action, why have done this to my self.I don't know what is good for me,I just believe i choose the wrong man at the right time since the time I got myself into this thing called marriage i have never enjoy my Marital life.
I love my kids so much that I don't want to loose them.Am not happy and i don't know what to do.i have chatting with my formal lost love to give me advice on my family‎

My goodness, I thought I was reading through something I wrote while I was reading your story.

My own case is 90% similar to yours,
1, I married him not because of money because I know I am very hardworking and I can stand on my own without any man
2, He doesn't listen to me at all, he pretended to be the listening type before marriage but after marriage he started showing his stubborn argumentative side.
3. He doesn't have a stable source of income, I have advised him on so many ways to diversify and improve his income but he doesn't listen, he has very warped fantasies of suddenly hitting it big with one business that he isn't even doing so well at.
4, Doesn't assist ne with my personal life, doesn't assist with chores or anything, if I want to even discuss any new business I am interested in, he will immediately start disparaging it because he thinks I want to stylishly ask him to do the business and he is lazy.
5. I also lost the man I truly felt a soulmate connection with due to religious reasons, he is the only man I ever truly felt he understood me and I understood him, I felt completely at peace with him and we really vibed and got along so well. He still reaches out once in a while to say hello but I always keep the convos informal and short, I dont want to stir up old feelings.

My advice to you is this, stop making your husband so comfortable at home, he knows that no matter what, you will still hustle money to support him so he will not do anything to increase his income, he knows that no matter how lazy he is, you will still stay tolerating him and even submitting to him while being silently bitter and frustrated but he doesnt care ennough to change himself to make you happy so start putting yourself first, take care of your children and yourself but as for contributing to his own wellbeing, reduce it to the barest minimum, tell him you are sending money to a family member for whatever reasons so you no longer have much to support the family, if you do out, buy treats and nice things to spoil yourself and the kids and hide them from him, you all can eat them if he is not at home, reduce the way you spoil him but do it without his knowledge.
I dont know how much you contribute to paying house bills but reduce that one as well, stop paying light bill, let nepa cut light, run generator 3 hrs everyday to charge your power banks and phones, stop recharging dstv, stop buying luxury food items in the house, if you are the one bringing money for feeding then remove meat from the food you buy, remove meat, fish and eggs, if he wants to eat like a king then let him work. You are not his sugar mummy.
Buy meat or chicken for yourself and the kids and give them without his knowledge. Give them plenty tea with milk to substitute for proteins.
Stop breaking your back to make life easy for a lazy and insensitive person.

Look at people advising you to drop your rich fantasies, your husband should also drop his sugar mummy fantasies. He should drop his fantasies of living lazy while a woman feeds him.

And lastly, stop bringing your marital problems to Nairaland, this is a Male oriented site and you will get mostly advice that favour males. I knew this since the first day I joined nairaland but I just wanted a place to pour my heart out that is why I asked for help here. I wish there is some kind of mature website where women can interact with each other and help each other out because Nairaland is not that place.

I really wish we can be friends outside here, but anonymity sha...

BluntNigerian:
So my dear,, what exactly was your response to him??

Lol, it was not a nice response

BluntNigerian:
Like, for how many years now had he done such to you?

Since we got married, every year.

Sorry for long post by the way, thanks for reading and responding.

Assuming you are married to a man who works as self employed selling some wholesale items that fetch him 70k every month and you have three kids with him.

Meanwhile you the wife work in a private institution earning 60k as well as selling things online that fetch very little like 10k to 15k everymonth.

So you have adviced him to get something else doing to augment your joint income because the money both of you make is barely enough for both of you and three children. You suggest you both need to add more sources of income to your present jobs to move ahead in life and advance, send your children to better schools, maybe build a house, to just upgrade yourselves generally.

So after suggesting different jobs for him he refused to do anything else except his wholesale business because he believes one day he will suddenly make it big from selling his market.

You give up and start your own third business which is part time catering and start making some considerable amount of money from it so you buy new clothes, shoes, nice snacks for your kids from time to time.

Your husband sees all this and tells you to also buy gifts for him from your 'plenty' money. Tells you to not buy new things for only your kids but you should buy also add his own.

How will you react please?

This isn't a made up story please. It's very true, I just want to know if the way I responded was reasonable or if I was wrong.

Dyt:


There's nothing you can do since you said you tried
Some people are not what we want them to be even when we try to, you can't mandate people to change, give them reasons to and not by imposing.

Take him for him as he has taken you for you

Enjoy your marriage as everyone has its own jangolover

It's like I just have to accept it but it's very very hurtful I won't lie.
I don't even demand in a normal day, I am not a demanding wife, I ask for so little but this is one thing I told him means a lot to me but he isn't taking it serious.

worworbabe:
It's unfortunate that your husband isn't taking these things seriously even after you told him severally.

Like someone asked, I would also like to know what happens on his own birthdays.

My advice to you is to not allow it bother you. He knows it hurts you and still does it, You are giving him too much power. Next time, don't remind him and don't act like it's hurtful. Take youraelf out. If you have kids, take them with you and enjoy youraelf at every opportunity you can get.

Also, Try and make your own money so you won't have to be begging him anymore.

Thank you for the advice. It was helpful.

Kekereekun123:
Begging him for money You don't have hand to work ni. He has always been like that before marriage but to escape poverty u marry am. Divorce him na

I can't work presently because of health

SweetCunt97:
So y expecting a different result when he keeps repeating it every year and hurting yourself in the process? Ur happiness is in your hands ooo... Buy cake and ice cream, take yourself out, buy yourself something expensive biko... You'll survive without his birthday wishes. You stronger than u know. Your next birthday don't even say pim about it, simply celebrate with ur kids.

If I buy things to eat and celebrate by myself he will not be happy that I didn't buy his share. I did it for my babys birthday when he acted like he doesn't care as usual even after i reminded him

but when I bought cookies and cake and soft drinks for only myself and the kids he was upset and started asking where is his own share.

crackkhaus:
This your husband that you're always complaining about, time never reach for you to divorce am?

No I don't want divorce

For those asking if I have a job,
I had a job until late last year, I was pregnant and too sick to continue working so I quit.
Ordinarily I don't like being at home all day or asking for money, it's not my nature. This is the first time I an jobless since I got married and I honestly am not happy about it. So many things I wished to buy this period that I can't get because I don't have money.

Then those who asked if he used to celebrate birthdays before marriage, he used to.
We both used to celebrate each others birthdays and buy gifts then when we got married he started acting like he can no longer remember. We dated for two years. I am not asking for big gifts or anything extravagant, just for him to maybe appreciate me and pray for me or say a few nice words to me.

Mods please no front page for privacy reasons, thanks

So yesterday was my birthday and my hubby completely ignored it as usual. Like he always does every year. I don't know why he does this, I told him before that I would like some kind of acknowledgement on my birthdays even if he doesn't take me out or buy expensive gifts he should at least maybe say a prayer for me but he still continues to act like he does not know it's my birthday, since the second year of our marriage he had been doing this.

It's very hurtful because he knows I like to be remembered on my birthday but he just ignores it. We don't go out anywhere, we don't do anything else to bond as a couple because he looks down on things like that, no random gifts, doesnt give me money unless I beg, no acknowledging anniversaries unless I bring it up. So I wanted just that one day to be the day he remembers me or does something special but he ignored it again.

I am trying to overlook his deliberate inconsiderate act because I reminded him two days ago about it and have been telling him for a while.


I know I might sound like I am taking little things serious but I am very hurt he isn't taking me serious about something that means a lot to me........Keeps doing the same thing every year. Is this not wickedness?


Abeg no insult me, am a sensitive person.

Mods no front page please and please, for privacy reasons

Hi all. Please I need objective advice on whether I am overreacting to the situation in my house.

My significant other brought in his friend from another state who is having trouble finding a job and establishing himself. So my husband invited him over to live with us so that he can teach him the work he (hubby) does because hubby is self employed. We live in a room and parlor self contain house me, hubby an two children because he is kind of managing finances for now, his business fetches like 100k a month.

This his friend is 35 years old and was his best friend in university I guess that's why he wanted to help him start a business. Now the thing is that hubby has always had this habit of talking me down in public and shouting at me over little things because he likes to come across as authoritative and no nonsense leader of his house in front of outsiders so unfortunately his way of showing it is by talking down on me. I have complained of his way of talking, telling him to talk to me kindly and stop shouting at me like his housegirl but he said that's just his way of talking so I should accept it. He didn't change. The truth is that he acts differently when we are alone, he is more soft spoken and tolerant but when relatives are around he just starts acting like a tyrant and being rude when addressing me.

Before his friend came I already knew that he would display this same rudeness to me in front of his friend so I objected to his friend living with us but he went ahead and brought the guy anyways.

True to my expectations his character and treatment of me changed for the worse after the guy started living with. He shouts over slight provocations and says mean things constantly just to impress the guy because his behaviour when we are alone is always better. I started withdrawing from both of them and just staying on my own whenever I returned from work because I really really hate insults and embarrassment and I don't want to shout at him back in front of that guy. I don't believe in exposing flaws in your marriage to outsiders and I am still hoping he will change one day so I am trying to be patient.

It's like that one made things worse because he now gossips me to his friend, I overhear them talking in the sitting room from the room where I stay to avoid his bullying. There are times he would call me rudely to the parlor and demand that I should serve his friend food immediately, I told the friend to serve himself food whenever he gets hungry but the guy has no respect for me now, maybe because of how hubby treats me and the friend said he doesn't want to serve the food himself, I should do it instead. He has said this on two different occasions.

I spoke to hubby about this particular food issue but he didn't change. He did it again after I complained, this next time he demanded that I should hurry and cook his friends food because they are going out.

I am tired of the rudeness and bad treatment, it's like he becomes someone else when people are around, he wasn't like this before we got married, he used to protect me from mean in laws but now he is quick to gossip me to outsiders and act like a tyrant if they are around. The major problem I am having is the issue of his friend and how they seem to be ganging up on me. I no longer feel like his wife it's like they are married to each other. I don't even know if I still love him. I feel so much resentment and am getting gradually disinterested in the marriage.



Sorry for the long story but what do you guys think I should do about this thing? I have talked to him but he didn't change. I can't report him to his elderly family members because last time I did that he picked offence and started spreading negative gossip about me to them.

How can I handle this issue


His rudeness in public and his disrespectful friend that seems to be enjoying what he is doing.