Sorry it might sound hard but you have no control over your home and have failed to maintain discipline.
A woman can NEVER love a man she does not respect.
If things continue like this especially with the nature of your job all hell will break loose if not now when the kids grow older. You better nib it now because it is no longer even at the bud stage.
Send her packing to her family and lay your conditions down under which she can come back. By so doing you send a clear signal to her and her family. She needs to apologize and plead and that formally in the presence of witnesses. When she comes back you need to be firm and keep control over your home.
When it comes to respect there is no compromise.
You might want to try talking to her and maybe she starts to reason without any drastic measure but at this stage i doubt it. When a boundary has been crossed there is no inhibition about crossing it a second time. So you may have to set a clear signal. When you do this even her family will support you and plead with you because you are only demanding whatfor what you are entitled to as a husband.

I was always under the impression that a woman would love doing all those things for her husband when newly wed!!!
You probably nag so much that it is straining the marriage.
It is wrong to demand your husband picks up his shoes..a loving wife brings her husband his shoes and takes them off his feet when he comes home from work. Then she deserves more than one round in bed.
Keep nagging the bed is not made.. one day you might wake up to find the bed empty.
Please do not mislead yourself or let anyone mislead you because you do not have much clue about your duties as a wife.

The fact that you are concerned shows that you are a good wife and that you want your marriage to work and that is really positive.
You added some weight and maybe some stretch marks. But most women have a physical change when they have a child. remember that you sacrificed this to give your husband a child that he loves and he knows that and appreciates that. Do not see yourself as being any less attractive. You are as beautiful as you feel and carry yourself.

It is normal that so much love is transferred on the child but you need to take your own healthy potion just take it and don`t bother talking about it. Just have fun with the man you love. Speak , crack jokes, let it come naturally.
As regards the intimate aspect. he is your husband and he belongs to you so much as you belong to him. So take what is yours, what does it matter who asks. You need to remember however that you need to be more exciting and get adventurous. Do not just ask for it but give it... a woman gives just as much as she relieves in bed. Talk in a way that gets him excited and that does not take much.
Also realize that men do not often pay compliments at this stage of marriage and if you feel bad about it ask for it, but not in a serious tone. The way we approach issues determine the response. for instance, darling I know you love me don`t be shy just say it.
Call him sometimes just to tell him you love him, that speaks more than volumes and gets him all tuned for when he comes home.At the initial stage of my marriage my husband had a phase when he was always tired after work. I asked him one day if he had ever been raped by a woman and that i was not going to plead but take what is mine. He found it so funny but it worked wonders. Sometimes I cook his favorite meal while he is eating i let him know it is not for free but for his night duty. I guess what I am trying to get across is that you need to concentrate on the wonderful things you have going and not let the few shadows bring darkness over the marriage, loosen up, believe in yourself and have fun. Everyone loves a cheerful partner.

quite honestly i agree with you about most of what you wrote just the part about it being an more a trait of igbo men. This problem is widespread not only among the igbos.

I have to admit this is lovely.They look like a happy family.
Just wonder how someone can be so happy when he has such a weight on his shoulder.
Just wonder when innocent men , women and children are dying every day...

I am amazed to see such views here and also with what passion they are presented.
Why - because in Nigeria sex is dished rather generously.
When a teenager gets pregnant, it is not just her fault but also to some extent the fault of the parents.
Where did you go wrong in raising the child?
Clearly the child does not need a pat on the back but this is not the time to get barbaric.
The decision to keep the child should be weighed carefully putting into consideration the girls mental and physical heal and condition.
Apart from that we should say yes to life. And for God`s sake stand by your child.
Having a child as a teenage is hard, it changes ones life, it puts an end to your childhood. I think that it is very important to get the teenager actively involved in raising the child as much as possible and for her to have pride in her child.

When you raise a child well and the child has a bright future it will make it easier for the child to cope with the negative issues associated with the circumstances of birth.
In a world today where so many things are happening single mothers ( not teenagers) should not even be a topic.
If the woman can cope on her own then she needs to be respected because it is tough.
Besides I know many women who are married but virtually raising the kids alone because the men are not interested.
Stop being judgemental and hypocritical and just pray it does not happen to your daughter!!!
I raise my kids to have trust in me and confide in me, so I hope that the risk is reduced that way.
However if one of my daughters come home pregnant, the first thing i would do is hug her to me real tight and assure her everything will be okay and that we are all behind her. We all will stand behind her and celebrate the life of the child when it is born because every child is a gift from God and made in God`s image. As long as she needs help I will be there for her, however she must be actively involved in raising the child.
Why should I start flipping out?
Would it be because of the sex or the carelessness in protection?
God knows there are much worse things that could happen out there.
Well I pray my daughters never have that problem.
Not because of things like shame etc, inheritance and all those worldly values.
I just pray that my daughters do not have to go through the pain of being rejected by someone that impregnates them and that they do not have to go through the pain of giving birth and being a mother when they are still so young and tender.

I don`t think that women alone are to blame for this because the women in any society are a product of that society.
Now in Nigeria we have lost appreciation for true values like hard work, good character, Godliness and all that matters is Vanity, pomp and show.
That`s what makes a woman go for a rich man without even questioning the source of the wealth. That`s what makes building together out of fashion.
It all starts with the wedding- how much money is spent on weddings, why not invest the money in the home. Society weddings are great but not meant for everyone, depending on your situation.
Vanity makes people desire things that are unaffordable for them and that leads to discontentment and finances is a big problem in many marriages.
Even where finance is not a problem, the fact is that when you get so hooked on material things you tend to en-strange yourself from things that matter.
It is amazing that even our spiritual life is all pomp and show. Watch the way people dress to go to church and mosque sometimes. It is no longer about going clean and decent to encounter God but about showing the world what you have on the car you drive.

Is it any wonder that in such an environment, true love becomes elusive?
We need to get off our high horses and learn to live a life where moral values become values again. In such an environment marriage and family will do allot better.

Aije congratulations that you have found a man that has come with noble intentions.
Do not take it for granted, I know many fine, educated and wealthy girls who are desperately praying for a husband.
My strong advice to you is not to start your marriage in controversy, because it is going to have an impact on the man even in the marriage. You are leaving the authority of your parents to that of the husband. You have to make it clear on the start to everyone, even your family so that the respect the marriage bond and don`t come meddling later. Also the mans family will realise that you are worthy of their son and are going to make him a happy man.
Nigerian tradition demands that the man goes to the bride. Your husband to be is willing to do this. This is the most important marriage act bonding both families and involves him paying a series of official visits to your family with his family and friends. In this marriage your family will dictate to him their conditions- bride price etc and then the man formally takes you home as his legal wife.
At this stage before the church wedding you are already his wife and subject to his decisions, where it is to be hoped that he would also respect your wishes as his wife.
However having the church wedding in his place gives all his friends and co workers the opportunity to attend. It also makes it easier for him to plan and get help in the planning. Since he lives there he could also get allot of assistance there. For instance he might know someone who owns a hall and can give it to him cheaper, or who can bake the cake or do the catering etc.
Besides my dear he is presenting you at this wedding officially to everyone he knows which means that even the hungry girls outside will know the man is now married
It is normal that when a man loves a woman he wants the whole world to see. I mean even his boss at work if he has one can attend with his family without much inconvenience.
this wedding is also going to be a vital avenue for him to increase his esteem amongst colleagues and business partners from which my dear, you benefit.

You need now to go back and ask for forgiveness and assure him that his way is the right way.
Plead with your parents to support you on this one. They know the tradition and are just being egoistic here. It is their duty to let you enter the marriage on the right footing.

For your marriage to be a happy one never use the word loggerhead.
A wise woman knows what to ask of her husband and when to give in.
You also need to know how to get things from your husband.

There are certain things you want from your husband you start working on them weeks earlier. Sometimes you do not even need to argue but just spoil the man by being very loving and cooking his favourite meal. The man will even realise that you want something before you mention it. When the time is ripe you present you plea if need be on your knees.
When he grants you your wish make sure you thank him and that you do not abuse the privilege.
When you go loggerheads you might end up not getting your way and spoil so much more.
You might get your way and spoil so much more. You also bear the consequences of whatever results and the blame alone.
Imagine you insist that the wedding takes place in your place and something goes terribly wrong? The man will blame you.

You need this to be the happiest day of your life , remember you are going to take a vow to love and honour. How true is this vow if you are already taking it in an atmosphere of confrontation and rebellion.

The right place for the divorce you need is the high court.
You need a lawyer for the divorce no matter where you are based.
It does not matter where you are located you can obtain your divorce from the court in which ever country or town you reside.
The cost would vary depending on the asserts of the parties.
Always consult a lawyer where you live to reduce costs.
Where there are not much asserts involved it is not complicated.
Yu only need to prove that the marriage has broken down irretrievably . This lies on you to convince the court or they judge might try to give time for reconciliation attempts.

We Hear OHHH.
Don`t worry we are trying hard to conform to your standards.
We will soon get there.

Only silly women struggle for equality with men.
As for me i am a woman and totally submissive to my husband.
That is why I just get into my car and drive. I do not even tank. That is the job for the superman.
What is the point struggling for equality?
You just end up getting the ass card as a woman anyway and are also allowed to do the work of a man.

WE HEAR OHHH!!!!!

Sophy that tip about calling everyone by their names is super. My younger kids tend to say just Aunty an Uncle. I shall watch out for that as from today.
Thanks for the super tip

I guess what he has to do to make it up is to make sure he gets over it as fast as possible and that he integrates himself again as a useful member of society.
Prison sentences are meant for rehabilitation purposes and when he comes out he has served his term so don`t go sentencing him again but help him get up and keep moving.
my dear I admire you for standing to him at such age even though he is "just" your boyfriend.

Davidylan,
I am so sorry I totally forgot that aspect.
You are completely right.
I was just referring to how the woman may wish to deal with the situation.
Certainly it is very important for separated parents to work together for the interest of the child.
The woman in this case has made a grievous mistake in letting her personal problems with the ex be a hindrance for the child.
I would really advise her to take up contact with the father and if if need be plead with him to take up his role. She should always talk to the boy about his father in high regard and so help the child build up the picture of his father as a worthy role model. The older the boy gets the more he needs the influence of his father.
I just do not understand why people can let their ego override the necessity to d all one can in the interest of the child.

You certainly should not put a job before your marriage because a marriage if it works well is for a lifetime.
Besides you are just at the start of your career and so you can make that move to Abuja as soon as you get married. I am sure that if you do well in the short time you work some of your senior colleagues might be able to give you job recommendations in Abuja.
Marriage is about sacrifices and I think you are still going to meet some more.
Distance in a marriage should be avoided as much as possible and there is nothing wrong in a man wanting his wife to be with him after he gets married.
I hope you married a man worthy of respect? If so you should realise that he is making the best decision in the interest of the family.
Then if this is the case you need to submit yourself to his wishes and look forward to a lovely marriage that would be blessed with kids.
Many career women who reached the peak of their career feel empty and unfulfilled without a family.
Just realise you can`t have your cake and eat it so sometimes you have to give up one thing for the other.
I can assure you it is easier to find a job than a husband and...
it is certainly much easier to manage a bad job than a bad husband.
If you have a man that loves you and is ready to share his life with you do not throw it awayf or something material ...

My dear this problem is not unusual in marriage.
Fact is that you have am man who is actually worthy to be loved and
you are worthy to be loved.
So yes you both made some mistakes that is human and only strengthens the relationship.
My dear all the components are there it depends on how you mix the brew.
Fact is that you have a problem with sex!!!! You may not realise it but you do.
Now do not think that because you made love to another man and liked it means that the problem lies in your husband.
On the contrary there are some people that have problems making love to a man they love, the just have some odd tendencies and hate to admit it.
I wonder sometimes what would happen if every man and woman could read what was going on in the mind of the partner they are making love to.... it would probably end up in desaster.
Fact is that most women to enjoy sex use their power of fantasy to arouse them, ( okay sorry to leak the secret).
You are wasting so many years you could have enjoyed in happiness.
You need to use the power of suggestion and learn to love the man... one can learn to love and also to have sexual pleasure.
Get rid of your hang ups and start telling yourself that you love him. Then go on to get things going.
Tell your husband what you want, many women just prefer love and affection, take your time and don`t just jump into the covers. I mean it would be okay for your husband to go slowly and not move to the next step, till you are comfortable with it. So sitting together on the sofa with your heads on his laps and feeling good with it is a major move and enough for one night.
The problem is that you need to be honest about it to your husband. This is not about love but about sex.
When you start having good sex with your husband the relationship will improve in other ways too.

This child is hurting inside!!!
This boy loves his mother dearly and his whole life circulates around her. However his image of what a mother should be has been destroyed by the mother and he is tormented.
It was absolutely wrong of the mother to expose the boy to different men.
When you have a kids you need to be very discreet about your relationship. Never introduce the man to the child until it seems certain that the relationship is heading for marriage.
The new man has to take time to get close to the boy and be actively involved in his activities before playing the role of disciplinarian in the boys life.
As far as i am concerned the woman has reared a monster that is turning around to consume her.
She needs to turn things around real fast and i would suggest.
Take the boy out for a meal and for a walk and then sit down with him and talk.
The first step.
APOLOGISE to the boy for mistakes made but assure him that she wants to do it right and that she loves him above everything else.
Second step. LISTEN to what the boy has to say. Listen to what is hurting him.
Thirdly set GOALS and how they are to be achieved. For instance , we want to be polite to one another, you need to do well in your school work, I have to stop bringing men home...
Fourthly make a CONTRACT in writing and mother and son have to sign. This sounds ridiculous but it works wonders in a family. Both parties take it serious and can always refer back to it.
Finally agree on SANCTIONS and most importantly REWARDS for both mother and son. Fo instance the boy can agree to bring the mother breakfast in bed as a reward.

Then the most important remedy is TALK!!!!!!!!!! Talk and talk sincerely without anger and coursing.
NEVER EVER course your child because as the mouth speaketh....... The word was made flesh and dwelt amongst men.
So always tell ypur child what your prayer for him is. My prayer for you is that you one day stop gettin so angry.

And the ultimate LOVE.

It is only an abused child that remains in an abusive marriage.
When parents raise their kids in a dictator regime at home some of them later think it is perfectly normal that their husbands are abusive. Also our society enables men to be abusive to women. hardly any consequences for abusing the wife. In fact the woman is advised to show more respect for the husband.
So no one should be pointing fingers at these women. We need to point fingers at ourselves as a part of society that lets men who are abusive get away with it.

I do not think it is wrong to UnCloth in front of kids. However not getting totally undressed especially the opposite sex. My kids still see me half dressed and I guess that when I breast feed the see my breast. I also think it is important for kids o see their parents being close. Hugging and kissing but then it should be more like tender gestures and not erotic. However parents should not make love when their kids are there not even if they think they are sleeping.
I also think one should avoid keeping househelps, relations and friends at home. It should be reduced to necessity and kids should never be left at home alone with them.

Sexual abuse has been going on for years but it has always been protected by physical abuse. It is the fear of parents that makes kids go on bearing the torment without disclosing it to their parents. I know that as a child growing up allot of kids were victims but fear of punishment from the parents would not let them speak out. Then it was not uncommon to even have parents rub pepper into the private parts of little girls who were accused of having any such contact. It was irrelevant if that the child was a victim.
Even today there is still so much fear of the disgrace and humiliation that many victims just suffer in silence.
Another big huddle is realising that you were a victim and that you had no fault and that anyone who abuses a child is a mean criminal that does not deserve to be let loose among humans.

I was a victim as a child myself and in my case it was a nanny!!! My parents had travelled and left me alone with her. Today i do not blame my parents for the first day it happened, but if I did not have so much fear of them i would have been able to speak out and stop the abuse.

When you want to make a cut make a clean one. Either in or out!!!!
I have seen this kind of relationship in the past, on and of and sex in between. At a stage each partner gets married to someone else and they keep having sex and on and of, thus committing adultery . This is a relationship that only exists to destroy each other unknowingly.

The odds are against you and it is an up hill task but it can work out .
I remarried with kids and i have a wonderful marriage. However it took patience, wisdom and tolerance but I guess that is what you need in every marriage.
However if you have an egoistic nature you better keep away from divorcees especially if they have kids.

Yes if only I know how it goes here

it is simply wonderful. Even when my son was like three I would still marvel when I look at him, "So this is real! I am really a mother"".
On the last count i think i hear the word mama about 2 times every minute when my kids are awake and I can tell you that it is not always fun.
Mama,Mama! Mama!! Mama!!!!!!!!!!!
He pushed me, I need this, he does not want to give me... he is laughing at me, can I .....

The right to procreate is fundamental and no human can be deprived of it.
In countries when you have a kind of social system I think that every child can become someone. It is not all about the money but about the upbringing. Sadly many poor people are also not educated and have no work moral and that creates the vicious circle.
I mean I could as well ask myself why I raise black kids in a white environment, when they might not have the same opportunities. Added to that we certainly are not top earners. However that is a challenge and I raise my kids conscious of the reality ahead. I always tell them you need to be better than the rest and then you certainly will get there. To God be the glory !!!! My kids have not disappointed me.
I am still blotted up my daughte came home yesterday with a 1,2 in her A levels, the best result in the school .
Besides imgaine only middle class people have kids, when you eradicate the poor, the middle class become the poor.

It`s always MILs but they are mostly acting after consultation with FILs.
Is it right for a woman to come into a mans life and break the existing bond that has existed since conception? A wise woman will strengthen the existing bond and so bond with her husband as one.
How can you love a man and hate his mother?
Women have a jealous nature when it comes to their sons. It takes respect and diplomacy to convince a woman that you are not there to build barriers between her and her child but that you are there to join the family.
The core problem that affects marriages and our relationship with our in laws is vanity and ego trips.
Modesty, humility, patience and understanding come a long way.
Your MIL may act in ways that offend you. If you are able to keep control of the situation she will became your best friend. That does not mean that you have to give in to her demands. It just means knowing what to say, how to say it and when.
Also one needs to be very careful about what one says to one`s husband about his mother. Many a men would go giving their mothers complaints about their wife, even using their wife`s as an excuse for certain actions. They then go back to their wife and do the same there, thus causing a conflict between the woman and the man.

queenafric is there any new information about the school. Sorry my baby`s circumcision gave me some problems was away for a while,

I think that is a decision that everyone has to take for themselves.
I cannot even answer the question if I would have aborted myself. We should say yes to life but I do not know if I would have the strength.
I have great respect for this woman she is amazing.

[quote]I don't mean to insult you o, but this is plain bullshit. It is obvious from your post that you are unmarried and have no children. Do you realise the amount of work it takes to hold down a home and a job? How many men do you see doing it? If the husband were responsible fellow, taking care of the kids I am sure she won't lament like this. He is jobless with too much time on hos hands that is why he is knacking house girls. If a man wants respect then he needs to act like a man or else he will not get ANY respect. How can you respect someone who does NOTHING all day. His wife is an enabler. Imagine feeding a bu$ for 8 yrs? Pushing pregnancy, breastfeeding, rushing to work while he does nothing?!?! God forgive but I have no patience for lazy men. It is just disgusting and shame on you woman for supporting him!/quote]

Daresh, with your "opening prayer" I guess you think all insults that follow after are forgiven
I am married and have been blessed with kids in abundance so I guess I know just what it involves.
With this experience I know that the man can never be doing nothing in the house. How is it possible with the on and off househelp situation that this woman has been able to keep a job with such late hours?
Incase you did not notice she never mentioned that her kids are affected drastically by that situation. That means that the man is obviously playing his role at home.
As a mother too for me going to work is like a vacation compared to staying at home with kids. That can be the most thankless job sometimes and is never appreciated.
From my years of experience I know that a good woman can lift her man up when he is down and vice versa. There have been times in my life when it all became too much or when I felt something was going to consume me, my husband with just a few words would build me up and give me the strength to go on. The same goes for when he is in that situation.
THe problem with many couples is that they do not talk honestly about their emotions, their fears and worries and even worse than that, they do not know how to listen to each other and try to understand each other. Ego and vanity tear thin bonds apart.
This man may be saying the woman can work and be acting like he feels comfortable but in reality he may be a desperate and broken man. I have seen men walk the street homeless that once were doctors, lawyers and principals.
You need to appreciate that there are such things like depression, burnout and much more that someone in the medical field may be able to highlight more on. These conditions can break a man and if not handled properly he might never be able to function efficiently again. Such things do exist and unfortunately in Nigeria we often just label every thing as lazy or unmotivated.

Figures the fact that you earn most of the money does not mean that your husband should not be able to make decisions regarding the money. In a family it is wise for the man and woman to plan together for the future.
It is also not unusual that he did not want a househelp, many people would avoid taking a househelp if they could afford to, they often come with a lot of problems.
As regards the errand sending, I can only shake my head. That`s your husband and it is your duty as a wife to serve him hands and feet!!!!
I do not think that your man does not appreciate you, I am sure he does however four years is a very short time give him time!!!

Just wondering... he was a banker when she met him...
So obviously he worked hard to educate himself and worked hard on the job.
When he lost the job things went sour...
why do the same women who shout so loud that they are feminist still want a man to be a bread winner . I give the husband right there. There is nothing wrong with a w woman being a breadwinner if she believes she is equal to a man
Could the story have another twist to it. Maybe you so demoralized and humiliated the man that he lost all self esteem and could no longer pick up his pieces. Hanging out with the househelps just shows how down and out he is.
I have seen cases where women have turned their husbands into drunkard and even cases where the have made them loose it all. The same vice versa.
The fact that he scales through the first interviews shows that he has the necessary qualifications. The failure at the further interviews is due to lack of self confidence and self esteem.
Now as regards the infidelity both parties are accusing each other. So maybe while he is doing it at the bottom the wife is doing it at the top.
What takes the man to the househelps. Maybe because only there he gets his respect as a man.
Loosing a job can be very demoralizing and can break a man if it is not handled properly. You obviously did not handle it too well.
In such times when a man is down you need to take more pains to let him feel he has the sky as his limits and that things will work out for the best.

Your brother has some solid points and as it is you are trying to deprive the other kids of their inheritance.
You are aware of the position of the first male child in ibo tradition.

I would like to describe the girls situation as life threatening since she crosses roads without being able to comprehend the danger.
However bulldozing may not be appropriate here. One needs to exercise caution and get the facts right. I think this child needs not just education but also love.
It would be nice to know what the monthly cost would amount to and then I am sure the money would not be a problem,
I pledge to contribute what I can.