@mutter,hes 13 years older than i am. thhe not working thing is not my idea at all.he said he doesnt wants me to work but i ve seen overtime that it s doing me more harm than good.am not a stay one place person.he feels i like the idea of not workin not knowing am only respecting his wish as my husband and looking at how things unfold.but  now that am being babysitted,its time up.

pls any ideas on how i ll get a job in here in england ?any job at all

@all,i confronted my hus quietly yest evening and told him what i ve noticed and showed him the pant.he told me that sometimes when a man urinates ,some drops of semen could stain his pant that it normallyhappens that he doesnt even know about what i ve noticed.I knew what he said didnt add up but i didnt push it.later i noticed his mood change and cos i know its cos of what i asked him,i went to him and told him that i feel i may ve hurt his feelings with my question but that i was confused bout what i saw and he asked me why i asked him the question and i told him it doesnt seem normal and thats why i want to know what its all about.these were what he said to me without shouting:this tells me again dat you dont know me,i hate being questioned and if u must ,then you need to ve your facts clear,i close from work to come back and stay with you and am welcomed with the suspicion that perhaps i veers off from work to go elsewhere,that am trying to destroy the arcade of trust that is left in the rship,that i ve a deep problem that only me and prayers will help me,that i ve too much much time in my hands so that i should start looking for a job that he cant babysit me forever,that i should forget bout the craps i watch in programmes,that if this sort of thing happens again that we ll ve serious trouble that he ll not talk at all and that he ll be so far away from me that it ll be hard for me to bring him back(like actually being together but alone at the same time)that if i feel insecure i should bear the burden alone in my heart,that at first when i asked him the quest,he didnt read any meaning to it but that he then started wondering why i had to ask him that sort of question,that each time he tries to do things over and above,i bring problem.(my asking him stin that may need explanation,he sees as hinging on trust  )
yet again,I told him i was sorry that my quest.hurt his feelings,that i didnt mean to put a strain on our rship and that i want us to be really happy.hmmmm, we didnt chat again like we used to.this morning after he prepard for work,i told him i felt insecure bout whhat i noticed and thats why i asked him bout it and he told me that he ll not accept any reason for my asking him such question,that since he broughht me into his house that all i ve done is ruin his happiness,that he ll just move on with what is left of his life.Itold him am sorry and he just left.this has always been the pattern of any issue i raise, hmmm, back to square 1, ?I pray not, all my efforts into the wind.hes still unhappy, I need to get us back on track.any advice on what to do next?
@mutter an luap,thanks for your advice.

@jenny ,to answer your question sincerely,i think i ve thought about more negative than positive things, the ideas and thoughts that ve crossed my mind are

my thoughts:
a.ve i contributed to what is happening in anyway?why is it happening?do i deserve this?why is the marriage  really not like a husband and wife relationship?why doesnt he desire me anymore?.wat do i do to make things better?wishing that i had a  Job and financial indepence
To work on my confidence and self esteem,to confront my hus and and also to talk to him on the issues i ve noticed and the rship in general,to make an all round improvement on myself, to increase my communication with him,to start initiating intimacy

this is it in summary really. . am i on the right track ?
@ chaircover,you re right, i know n one is perfect, i want to get my marriage on track and know that no one will do it for me .I intend to ask him about it .thank you all for your advice

any ideas on how to deal with someone who s always defensive and proud to admit and say sorry will be welcome

thank you all

thank you all for your advice, didnt know am playing the victim role anyway.I was only saying what i ve seen go wrong 
@luap,thanks for your advice

@all thanks again, hes a very proud person and would not consent to counselling, as for the pant,i asked my self if he could be self-servicing but i dont know ,the places usually damp are the two sides that normally cling into the inner thighs not the front part.my hus has changed, for ex,suddenly conscious bout his looks,seeing scratches on his back sometimes,whispering on phone when am bathing baby upstairs,we no longer go out together,seeing sent msgs to different numbers sometimes in his phone bill including the coworkers number and so on,bad intimacy life.hes not a message person.
unfortunately am more on the soft side and he knows i get scared,shaky voice stimes if i wanna talk to him.
when we met we could ve intimacy for as long as 3hours at a go and severally in a day but now highest 15mins.

@like me,he doesnt make me feel desirable,sexy and wanted at alllll but we still ve intimacy but then its no longer fun,i dont feel connected to him neither does he to me from the much i know cos am hurt bout his cold attitude.when we met,we looked in each others eyes during intimacy which he always wanted,we felt connected,i always saw the desire in his eyes,his moans ,he always asked me for it. for long time now ,its no more.when we ve intimacy,he closes his eyes,no connection,no desire,shows little sign of someone whos ving intimacy.its pathetic now it loss of interest altogether,

thank you all for your advices, @chaircover,my hus will be 40 dis year and am 27.I married him cos i love him and same too for him.we met back home in nigeria,when i was still in nigeria,we chatted online everyday and he called and we talked for long almost every day.he also came back several times and we spent the whole times alone. one month after our wedding,i came over to the UK as his wife.

@likeme,the only person i know as his best pal is a womaniser .he lives here in the UK and is married too.i didnt know him as a very close friend of his cos my hus told me he had dumped him te day te guy called him in nigeria.it was when i came over that my hus told me he just decided to give him a go again and then i realised they were best of friends even from school .my hus helps him with a lot of advice on family stuff,generally.my hus told me he doesnt believe anytin the guy says that hes a compulsive liar.they even lie to each other sometimes. my hus said the guy told him he would rather die in the hands of a woman than leave woman and occassionally gisted me the guys frolicks with women

My major problem is that i ve never been able to resolve any problem similar to this with him.for ex,when i noticed he watches indecency on our computer and told him of hurt i felt bout it,he accussed me of monitoring what he does on the computer which i also use,turned around and started accusing me of not doing this and not doing that,the issue was never resolved,what he did was to delete internet history permanently.also started watching it with his phone cos he saves some videos of it occas.and deletes them but he doesnt know am aware. he never stopped watching it ,didnt show he was sorry and explained nothing to me.that is why i ve not asked him bout this and decided to talk to him bout our intimacy life to see if he could open up but nothing much came out of it.what is the point telling me he can stay without sex for up to 1 year and that i satisfy him if what i noticed is still happening and he cant open up to me .its getting bad, he no longer initiates intimacy, and even when i do, and then nicing it all up .i dont understand!!!!please let me share my fears with you all:will it take our rship back to square 1,if he turns the table around on me by being defensive and starts accusing me and bringing up different thhings,i will be forced to aplogize again and this will go unresolved just like the indecency issue even though hes the one who needs to explain things to me, how do i hhandle it and what do i do?thank you all

fellow nairalanders,I am a very decent and faithful to the core wife. never cheated when i was in rships as a single girl.I found out my husband cheated on me in feb with a work colleague.even though i didnt ask him anything.last month,i noticed again something that broke my heart.i usually help him put away his underwears and suit most days when he comes back from work and noticed that his the sides of his pant was always very damp and works full time mondays to fridays.i always thought it was sweat and cared less but then i found out it was sp*erm.since that last month,this has been happening almost on a daily basis especially on mondays and fridays.i didnt tell him or ask him anything and still havent.
the quality of our intimacy life ve been low,no more pre-intimacy,no kisses,just straight to the point all the time,not mostly up to twenty mins,most times he would not even show hes enjoying it like he always did when we met and sometimes will come very quickly and i ll be so unsatisfied .this   was really worrying me so sometime last month i talked to him about our intimacy life cos i wanted to know if he could open up and tell me if hes not satisfied and all that .i told him that the quality of our intimacy life ve really gone down and i would like him to share with me what his intimacy fantasies and that i also feel he doesnt enjoy it anymore  and these were the things he told me: that i shouldnt feel like that that its just that
1) if i excite him too much by pre-intimacy he would come very quickly and leave me unsatisfied,that we are on the brink with ourfinances,his fathers illness and that he tries to wave them off during intimacy as it clouds his mind and it takes him control to do that but that he ll try and be more sowing 2)that he can stay without intimacy for even up to a year and will not be bothered(wen we met he told me he likes intimacy) 3)that i shouldnt worry my self that i satisfy him very well and as long as am happy ,hes okay and satisfied and that he knows i may not undersatnd if he doesnt explain to me.4)that we ve less time cos of  baby and stuff.it was a cool talk,no fight.
he even took up the discussion and started talking generally bout other areas too.I  talked to him about communication too, i felt unwanted too so i told him too and he said that i should pls tell him anytime he makes me feel that way that it must ve been very hurting for me to feel that way.he told me he doesnt really show affection the way most people do and i should pls understand the way he shows it to me which he tried to explain. I ve been working on myself and my attitude generally and our rship ve become at least bette r than it was which he acknowledged too .am back to my pre preg shape(58kilo),and take care of myself for him,he says he doesnt like the way am slimmer and wants me to eat more often and get some more flesh which am doing, that he feels like hes starving me .mean while the thing i noticed is still happening.am in so much pain right now.he would come back from work and tell me how hectic the day was and how he did this and that and he is so tired.meanwile sometimes he leaves the office earlier .i ve also noticed so many little signs of his cheating that i will not go ahead mentioning here.hes had pain in his chest this week which has reasonably subsided  but even on the day the pain started,he went out and came back and the same sp*erm thing again and continued.I was amazed.hes gradually losing interest in intimacy cos last night i started touching him while we were in bed as we were cuddled together and he said to me"darln,stop,you know am on medication and i cant sleep if u re doing that"i was so hurt that i hardly could sleep .i said nothing to him.hes still caring to some extent and nice if i may say and we re getting on better than before. i dont understand the thing of being able to stay without sex and ving intimacy everyday with another woman,the avoidin me nicely ting,what to do bout what is going on, all i do every day is just cry my eyes out.i  pray every day in tears and it seems to be getting worse.am not doubting God all the same.pleas it took me courage to post this sort of thing.pls matured minds give me your advices on what to do.thank you evryone, am in a lot of pain

@poster,your story is really sad, whhy do good men always get horrible women, well @op i ll chip in my opinion here
first,she has no respect for you at all, how dare she ask you if you ll keep an activity menu to monitor her,are you not her husband?

secondly it is hard for a woman who is decent and ve some dignity to her self to go out of her marriage to another man no matter what.long distance r/ship is not an excuse .there are decent women whose husbands live abroad and come home once in a while yet they re still faithful and reserved.unfortunately a woman who is not decent and reserved while single will not suddenly be even if shes married .am not judging your wife but chipping in from whhat i read from your post,her action.

for a married woman to cheat,she seeks more than just sex which is more dangerous and more difficult to let go of.she may do it again and that will be more painful to you than the one at hand.please am not saying you should divorce her but just take your time and then decide to take whatever you get from her in the marriage.sounds like you love her so much more than she loves you and she knows.whatever you decide,i wish you good luck,

@jenny,i think you like me very much. but personally i really dont want your advice anymore.all i can say for now.thank you once again

@chair cover,now i know am not crazy with my thoughts bout him actually divorcing her if she was that good a woman.this is the same woman he told me bout how the fights they had,how she refused not to sign the divorce papers,how she has refused him seeing their child that time,how he smashed their glass dinning table with his fists on one occassion of his fights with the woman just to avoid being violent to her,a whole lot of other stories.my husband is a hater of men who raise their hands on women and for him to react that way ,he would ve been pushed extremely very far times and times again.this is the same person hes turned around to evaluate me with.he succeeded in eroding me of my self esteem and confidence cos of that but one day i said to my self.why is she an ex if she was that wonderful.i am now getting my confidence and self esteem back gradually.i even almost asked him then one day if he regrets divorcing her but didnt.

@luap,so sorry that yours ended up in divorce.you sound like you re a guy and really hard a tough time in yours.i may be wrong though.

@mutter,happy you re in the same situation too and know that sometimes the reverse is usually the case when step mums are labelled wicked to their step children.
am sorry it broke yours up too, i hope mine doesnt get to that too.i ll do my best and leave the rest to God.I stayed clear for peace to reign if that is wat will be good.
once again thank you all for all your advices.who knows nairaland may be my new mean time mum even though she was not aware i have a step child even till deathh.

@jenny,that was when tins havent settled for us.pls stop going back to it and distracting other posters.

@everyone,thank you once again for your advices, when i came newly,we had an arguement which i cannot remember what the issue was and he said to me 'whatever relationship i decide to ve with my daughter and her mother is my business".since that day i stopped asking him anything about that part of his life,even when he tells me anytin,i ll just listen but to maybe contribute i dont, the only tin i did that time was to tell him about somethings she eats that are not healthy only if he tells me and suggest healthier options of the same food and then do my best for her when shes around.you know how it is when you re dealing with someone who is not your blood child you ll always be careful about your words and contributions as not to be easily misunderstood.lately he turned around and accused me of not showing concern about things concerning her welfare when we had an arguement that was not even bout hher at all .i reminded him exactly what he told me and then he said yeah i said it but i ve started telling you about her now .he accused me of never asking bout her school welfare.and i said to him how would i know shes ready to get into school if you dont tell me and he said to me'i will not tell you about what you dont ask me'.i ve decided to start asking him bout her welfare
also sometime last year,after i prayed,somthing in me kept telling me i should tell him to always pay the childs child support to her mother no matter how tight our finances are and that he should be careful not to fall into temptation.i resisted this message cos it would sound mistrusting but it almost tormented me for two good weeks and i summoned courage and told him and among other things he told me he said that if i ever think he ll ve anytin to do witt the ex then am not fit to be his wife.
in summary am trying to say how sensitive it is for me to discuss anytin bout that part of his life cos we ve not had any issue about it for a long time now especially with questions regarding the woman.thank you all . ll be glad welcome more advices

@mutter and luap,thank you very much for your candid advices, am really thankful, my husband is a good dad, we all used to sleep together on the same bed until i had baby and so the bed no longer fits all of us in, baby sleeps with us on our bed cos she yells each time she's put on her cot.i dont hate her at all.why would i?i play with her sometimes and stay with her in her room when she watches her videos,i read her stories from her book but my hus does these more than me cos shes so used to daddy and always wants him to do everything.I also ve baby to deal with too.i ll put in more to what i ve been doing.

as for the card,i just kept it for now.the reason why am even talikng about it at all is that each time i ve an arguement with my hus about us,he ll just start comparing me with the ex wife and this pisses me off  so much and gets me angry.its either he says i didnt do half of what am doing for you for her.HE would bring her name in in one way or the other.this leaves me with the question of why he would raise her name at all in our affairs or issues when clearly he s the one who divorced her.
secondly,after i had baby in jan,we wanted to move out to a bigger place and my hus took his exwife along to view a house where we would live while i was at home.he came back that day and told me about the house and nothing else.how did i know?he invited the ex to our new home to bring the lil girl cos he was tired to go out pick her and then showed her the lil girls room too.then the woman said to my hus'this looks very similar to the other house'.my hus became jittery.i looked at him and up til today i havent asked him anyting bout it.

fellow nairalnders,please help, i ll break issues up so as to make it easier for readers.i lost my mum to illness last month and tings ve not been easy for me and my marriage too.it feels alone in the world without a mother.

my husband has an ex wife and they ve a four yr old girl together.he picks her up on weekends and she spends a nighht or two with us and takes her back to her mother, on fathers day which was 20th,he came back with a card after he dropped her off .i saw it in his hands when he came in but was nt bothered to know what it was all about and didnt see it again.the card reappeared this weekend cos i saw it on the bed where my hus was playing with her and our 6months old.as i was dressing the bed later,i lousily took the card,which looked more like a hand made card and opened it and this was the content"DAD,HAPPY FATHERS DAY,THANK YOU FOR GIVING KISSES TO MY MUMMY".i didnt know what to make of it.i just dressed the bed,kept it under the pillow and left the room.when i came over,he told me he doesnt enter her apartment i believed only to see her text telling my hus to bring the lil girl into flat when he comes to drop her that she ll be in in mins, the day he came back with the card,he stayed at the car park for 15mins on phone before he came in and her number was the last received call .i havent made anythhing out of these but i dont know what to make of the content of the card, should i ask him about it,could sometin ve been happening btw them that is secret or am i the one being worked up for nothing and overlook it.what do i do?

he also sleeps with his daughter in her room thru the night whenever shes around.she slept in her room alone twice cos we moved into a new house and cried the next time she slept alone so my hus started sleeping with her in her room.would it be selfish to tell him that she needs to begin and learn to sleep on her own. weekend are most times the only time we usually ve intimacy which we cant engage in when she s around.i understand that with a child in the house,the only safe time for couples to ve intimacy is at night when the children will be asleep in their own room.am i being selfish?

constructive and helpful advices will be welcome thank you all.

@poster,i dont tink theres anything wrong with it, unfortunately,my hus is 13 years older than i am but right now am in a controlling marriage where i ve lost my self esteem,pride ,confidence, i m miserable in it, not going into details.i dont know how much the age gap ve contributed but, just look well,make sure you know him well before you say i do, good luck, pls am not discouraging you, it worked for mu dad and mum,

@jennykadry,if i were scared of criticism,i would not be here looking for advice and how i would improve in my personality, you do not live with me in my home and do not know how things were in my home since then, pls i dont want to talk to you harshly.could you please let my post be?

@chaircover,i intend to handle them one after the other, the reason i posted the subsequent ones i wrote was to give a bit of a clearer picture summarily.the more i look out for evidence,the longer it takes for me cos he is careful and conscious of it.

@jennykadry,pls dont judge me that i never trusted my husband, i dont like going back to tings that i ve dealt with and i dont know why you re commenting on my last year post.like i said my hhusband later actually told me himself that he knows what he was doing that time that he wanted to get himself very acqainted with his daughter first and make her feel at home before i can then come into the picture and thhen i can slowly get along with her and other explanations too which has been achieved now, pls kindly comment on my post or keep your opinions .tank you

@chaircover ,thank you for the options you gave me, i checked out the online courses , i saw some that says at no cost, are they really free?am interested in them.the thing is that my husband is not starting the business for me as mine per say but as another avenue through which money will come into the home so i ll not ve financial independence with it or be able to spend money from it at will.he s contemplating on going to china to get goods but havent made the decision on it yet.i sincerely need to be financially independent, i dont know how to ask people for money and he wouldnt give me either.whenever am alone,these things go through my mind is"if he bundles me out of the house one day like he always says,wat will i do been a house wife?on ,he told me that i should see myself as just filing up a space in his house.i could go on and on but i ll face the one at hand now.what amazes me is that regardless of all these,he wants me to be jumping around like am so happy and where i see myself now is the best thing that could ever happen to me.he usually tells me that i need to ve goals in life etc but recently what he tells me is"whatever your dreams are is your business but make sure they go inline with what my vision and dreams are for the future.so you see,today he's talking about future,plans,etc, the next minute of any little misunderstanding,hes telling me nasty things like the things i raised in my posts,

secondly,how do i confront him of his cheating without evidence or are the ones i posted enough including his phone bill record cos anytime we ve issues,he ll sleep in a different room,prefer to cook his food,not talk to me at all and turn around and tell me all sorts of things and i ll turn around to start apologizing so i wouldnt want anything that will ever makeme apologise again as long as am sure am right.i also welcome more ideas especially the ones that will not involve cash.thank you all,

@queeneve,i guess you re a woman and if the things i noticed which i wrote in my post does not make sense,may be am the one who stupid.i thank you for your advice but pleaase go back to my original post and the subsequent ones that followed it and read it again.

@jennykadry,i can tell you that apart from the thread i posted last year,i ve never asked my husband on coming home where he has been,or why didnt you answer my call.i cook his lunch for work,have food reay for him when hes back, i dont question him the way you think cos if i do,i would ve started questioning him the night he came home when i noticed the things i posted in my thread,

@jennykadry, i ve started getting along with my step daughter a long time ago, i had only stayed for some months and didnt understand how this place worked as i do now, my husband is cheating on me and thats my worry now. trust comes with telling the truth the way it is.nevetheless,up until now,i ve never seen anything to show that hes cheating or imagine him with women when hhe goes out like you wrote until lately when i saw the things i wrote in the thread i posted and the lies he started telling me which called for my attention.i want my marriage back that is why i am working to improve on his complaints as well.

my baby is still 3 months, i had her in january.am thinking if it would be early to leave her now and start talking bout a job or if i should wait for some more months.he doesnt give me any money as pocket money and i ve never asked for,the only thing i do is when i need personal things,i tell him .he does the groceries himself,we used to go together before i gave birth but now he goes alone.i dont go out except on hospital appointments or i just want to stroll, i dont ve a phone that i can use to call out, the number am using is the one we usually call nigeria with and we dont call uk lines with it.its just for international calls and thats where he calls me on.he ll tell me if you want to call me,flash me nd i ll call back though sometimes he ll call me some mins after i ve flashed him .there was a time he said he ll buy me a phone but that since our home phone is working again,that theres no point.he used to keep his work mobile at home after i put to bed so that i can be able to make calls in case of emergencies but told me some days ago that i should stop using it cos the head office sent a memo that private calls should not be made with work mobiles and that anyone who has called private numbers will pay for them so i ve stopped using the work mobile. all i ve been doing lately is just cry to God and wipe my tears in his absence.

@chaircover,i dont ve any qualifications here only my degree certificate from nigeria and dont know what kind of job it can fetch me here.cos i dont know anywhere ,he ll be the one to find any job for me which i dont know if he agree to do for me cos he keeps saying that i will not work that that is not the way he has planned his family.he doesnt leave the baby for me,we take care of her together including at nights when he wakes me up to feed her.he registered me for a professional course when i came last year and said its just for me to ve it but i couldnt take the exam before i put to bed and now hardly ve time to read my books but i ve decided to squeeze out time to continue the study.from my replies,you can be able to figure out what my marriage is like.no friends to with cos cos i cant call the two i knew from nigeria that live here unless they call me and not too close to tell them much just chatting.

i ve the book power of a praying wife and i ve been reading and saying prayers from it.personally i want to work ,i never bargained for a house wife. when i came over here,he said that the money being paid to nurseries and childminders is expensive eg.32pounds every day.i dont know if its true, so that theres no point working and having them consume all the salary and that he wouldnt really like another person raising up his child,. he just doesnt want me to work, he wants to me to operate ebay online business sales from home which is yet to start and thats the reason why i ve not talked bout the job thing even though it desn make much difference to m cos its still staying at home, he feels nd takes it that hes doing me great by my not goin out there to also juggle for money to contribute to the home like others do, he tells me to be creative and constructive at home.he knew i am an introvert right from time but always expect me to work on my nature , occassionally when we had issues he told me i am incapable of lifting his mood up when hes down which was even before we got married and that unless he lightens up the mood in the house,it remains cold. i am working on my self gradually even though its not that easy.do i talk to him bout a job even with the business plan he has ?i also welcome ideas on how i can improve on my personality

when we had the discussion we had on our anniversary day,he told me that he wouldnt be talking to me bout things he didnnt like if the marriage was not important to him but that theres a limit he can go, that he cannot be unhappy in his own house.initially when he got angry,he told me that the day he ll ask me to leave his house,it ll no longer be based on feelings but pratical and i should be very sure he ll tell me anyday hes no longer in love with me.even when i tell him my worries camly just like the indecency thing.it doesnt really work.how else is the best way to communicate if not calmly without fight.i ve never exchanged words with him at all or talked to him sarcastically.it hurts so much when i look at him and knows hes cheating on me nd i m tempted to hate him but i pull myself off that zone.he used to share things with me when we met but he doesnt anymore.when i asked him,he said am not a trusting person and that sharing comes with trust.each time i want to come out of my comfort zone to please him.approach him for lovemaking ,show love nd care,i withdraw cos am afraid of contacting disease even though we still make love.i just pray to God to protect me cos i dont know if hes protected with the other person
.

hes 39 and am 27 both nigerians.i married him cos of love.i dont work, he registered me as selfemployed so that i can do ebay online businness from home which we re yet to start.i came over immediatly after our wedding last year. i am an introvert and a peaceful person and he knows i dont like trouble.cos i dont dance around always as extroverts do,he misunderstands that for not being happy which i deduced from what he told me on the day of our anniversary.no one gives him advice on what to do.he takes his decisions.hes not rigid .as for his ring he started wearing it again after somedays but leaves it occasionaly since then, it makes no meaning to me if hes cheating.the lady should know hes married cos she actually saw her name among others names on the card which their team gave to our family congratulating us on the arrival of baby.i think he removes it out of guilt.i dont know, i ve decided to work on his complaints even though he knows his reason for that.

i cant crack such joke with him, he reads meaning into everything and takes it up as an issue.for example when i discovered that he watches porn online secretely,i couldnt bear it nd told him very calmly that am not happy and feel betrayed bout it, we didnt ve a chat for bout five days cos of what i told him, our baby was the only thing that made him to talk me at all, he accused me of disrespect and told me how dare a woman he married wit his own money talk to him to stop watching porn cos he told me never to watch such thing that it ll affect our sex life.that its cos he told me that thhats why i had the guts to walk up to him nd tell him not to watch it too, i had to start apologizing to him for this incident.he accused me of not been appreciative of the things he does whereas i started my speech with thanking him for the things he s been doing.also accused me of snooping on what he does online whereas we use the same computer.the next thing i noticed was that he started deleting internet history permanently.

thank u very much,i dont intend leaving him but confronting him, i only pray the neigbour doesnt betray me cos it will be hell if he finds out cos he knows her too.am praying hard bout it and waiting for a proof, i can only keep pretending until i ve evidence to confront him.i ll not call the neigbour again.

yeah i think i now regret telling the neigbour.i only told her yesterday.should i tell her to forget it that i ve resolved with him?what do i tell now?i didnt really give her deatails but i told her i didnt know who is after who that is my hus and the lady.and she asked me if my hus told the lady bout me and i told her that i dont know.so she said she ll keep an eye that i should call her today.should i tell her not to worry.i ve not called her today though.

chaircover,thanks for ur advice, i can tell you its not an innocent affair just that i dont ve enough things yet to prove it to him, i need proof or else he ll denie it and the ball will roll back to me begging him for accusing him.the whole thing is making me sick, some of his clothes smell of the same perfume which is not at all his, i saw some marks on his body nd asked him what they re and he told me that its when hes handled roughly cos hes fair, i pretended not to hear it cos am still looking for evidences, our sex life is not as good as it was.he personally told me he likes sex when we met, now he could hardly stay 15 mins and can oly go once whereas he could stay as long as 1,2, 3 hrs when we met, with his kind of person ,i need proofs.i ve not confronted him on the cheating thing at all, i ve been praying but am loosing it too

I live in the UK with my husband, we re only one year married and ve  a three months old baby, my husbandve changed from who i know him to be.pleas read the following well to understand what i mean,

on the 15th of feb,he rang me from work nd told me bout his work colleaugue in their same institute that told him their was a meeting so he just decided to go since hes never attended anyone before and the venue was not far  to see how things go there by 6pm nd that he would only stay for a while and come home.he came home after work,ate ,stayed until 6pm and left and told me the meeting was 6 to 8pm.i was with him when he dressed up.at about half 8,he text me that he ll be home by 9 but never came home until 10pm.i rang him around half 9 but no response.on his way back ,he called me.when he got home ,he was smelling of so much cigarrette and he doesnt smoke and takes only very little alchohol  .he told me that a new member was given a higher educational title so he hosted a party for everyone which started after the meeting, 8pm,that people even came wth their wives that we wouldve gone together if not for baby. told me he drank alchohol and was dizzy so decided to stay back to get his head cleared up before driving home.I noticed that :
1. he wasnt wearin his weddingring any longer.i asked him where it was nd he said he doesnt know that it may ve fallen off when he washed his hands after he had a wee in the toilet there that it happen to him sometimes or that it may ve fallen off in the car.he has never for once come back hom without his ring on his finger

2.he wore two t shirts out only for me to discover when he removed  his jacket to ve a shower that the one he wore inside was now the one on top with the back  instead of the normal way to wear a clothe.he brushd his teeth,washed off babys clothe and rushed into the shower that he didnt like the smell of the cigarrette,i was wondering where he was actually coming from until the next day.the next morning he told me that i should go get the contraceptive  from hospital so that we could resume sex that day that we ve been thru a lot lately. when he went to work and i saw on his jacket strands of female hair,brown powder on the collar and on the first button of his shirt.i stated to cry.he came back and i saw his ring on his finger,asked him nd he said he found it in the car.he tried to chat with me as usual andnoticed my mood change and asked me why i didnt welcome him welll nd what was wrong with me nd i told him nothing nd the n the next morning he said we had sometin to dicuss.the weekend was our one year anniversary sat me down nd told me that he has notbeen happy in themarriage which i ve never perceived nd he hasnt shown or told me.his points were that i am always negative,and that negative people around him weighs him down,that i dont know my roles as a wife ,that i ve never called him and talked to him as my husband,that i dont carry out my chores happily,that i am behaving like someone whos caged but that am free to do whatever i like and thhat he s telling me these cos he wants a way forward from me on them and would like to hear what i ll say on them.so i told him that he does nt understand me sometimes so that i just keep things to myself nd he got angry,flared up nd asked me whyi would judge him like that nd that as for his ring,he ll never wear it till further notice that its only a piece of metal  nd that as for trust that he ll neverr tell me anythin bout it again butbut action, ,that if he had seen those thhhhhings b4 the marriage that he wouldnt ve gone into it,that am not a happy person,he said a couple of things.i cried and told him i was sorry nd didnt know he was nt happy nd then the next morning,he told me that been with hhim nd just smiling is more important to him than those chores nd that i should find a way to communicate with himthat the marriage will be over soon if i dont comm.well.we moved houses nd after somedays he called me nd told me hes noticed good changes nd that hes thankful to od for them

when his phone bill for the moth came in,i discovered that who he was with on the fifteenth was a work colleague not the same branch but same team.and other days that he called nd text her .i was devastated.i als found out that she calls him with private number all the time,my husband sends her message nd deletes it,calls her occassionally nd deletes it.she calls my hus almost everyday.right now am seeing other signs to show hes really cheating on me with her.now we ve a new neigbour that works at the ladys branch and told her my worries andd she said she ll watch out for me nd gave me her number, i ve just confided in her.pls what do i do.i ve not asked him anything since then,hes exhibiting signs of infidelity unconsciously but doesnt know i notice them,please help me restore my marriage.concrete advices needed pls.i ll stop here for now

please i ll like the moderator to kindly close my nairaland account ASAP to avoid tearing my home

My husy usually picks his daughter on weekends from his exwifes place.so he went to pick his daughter who spends weekends with us as usual.mean while,i read a text from his phone earlier that day where he and the exwife arranged to go pick the child together from the childminder where she normally took her cos it was on a friday.as much as i ve known,he  doesnt go with her to pick her.I asked him where he  would pick her up and he told me that it was at the childminders place and that he could locate the place on his own if he wants to  cos the childminder moved house But that the place is still hazy for him to locate and farer,didnt tell me they were going together .He took longer than he usually did and then i called him three times to ask him what to prepare for him for dinner,it wasnt picked and he didnt call Back.he knows that i dont ve any phone with which i can call him if he goes out.I can only flash him with the house phone and he ll call.when he came home,i asked him what happened and why he didnt pick my call, he asked me if that was the welcome he ll get from me and that he was driving when i called, which i dont really accept,  he asked me why i was calling and i told him and then he said that from that day,i shouldnt call again if he goes out unless its an emergency.
He said he has Been with me the whole day,taken the day off for us to Be together and  just for him to go out and come home ,i had already called him three times.he said i have started taking the days he sneakingly takes out of work to stay with me for granted and that he ll stop it. and that he does it cos his daughter spends weekend with us so we can at least Be together alone with the days he squeezes out of work to make up. He got angry and didnt really talk to me like he always did neither did i.he made some spring rolls which he promised to Buy and we ate and gave his daughter a glass of juice to Bring to me.after sometime, I asked him again why he didnt pick my call and then he got really angry and asked me if that is what i ve to tell him.he didnt talk to me again .I told him i was sorry for not welcoming him , he didnt say anything to me.we stayed the whole weekend without normal communication though i made his food throughout.normally when hes like that,he would prefer to make his food himself .On the sunday,i confronted him and told him we needed to talk .he said he was only going to talk to me cos of my cond.cos am preg so that i dont start worrying too much and these were the things he told me        :If i go out dont call me again unless its an emergency,you wont know why; Stop interfering in things concerning my daughter,if i decide to go and see my daughter in school or monitor her affairs,it my Bizness, mind your home or you ll wreck this marriage;I know that somewhere in your heart,you dont really Believe that a man can stay devoted to you alone for his life thats why you saw me in your dream with an ugly girl in my own house cos thats what is going thru your suBconcious mind, I ve my honor and intergrity and i give you yours and that is why i ll not hesitate to dish out harsh measures on you if i sense or get any form of DISTRUST from you;You ve taken the time i stay off work for granted.there seems to Be cloud hanging over you But when you put to Bed ,i ll know which one was as a result of preg. mood swings.he said a couple of other things.He could say things if he s really angry.
I just had to apologize and went into the kitchen.well,After sometime he called me to share the sofa with him telling me that he loves me so much and he doesnt know if am Blind to see it and that he really missed me, he took a day off yestreday, anyway, please could he ve something to hide that made him not pick my call? and then stop me from caling him when he goes out?am struggling to trust him