soulglo:


Sometimes I wonder what African culture is anymore. It seems we hold on the archaic parts of it and leave the important ones. As an African child, you are taught not to help yourself to anything. If you were a guest somewhere, you do not even reach out your hand to take something. Even if offered, you give your mother side eye to make sure she is okay with it because even when the host offers and you take it you might get in trouble when you get home. Why then is it okay for a grown ass mature woman not to understand that it is not okay to help yourself to anything in anybody's home. Does it mean that when you become as adult that it gives you the license to lose your mind? Yes, if I was a guest somewhere and it is 10am and my lazy host has not gotten out of bed to be a good host and serve breakfast I will stay hungry until she awakes. What kind of undisciplined person am I that I would get up and help myself to something. Serious case of otonni. Will waiting even a full hour kill you?



@edwife I hear you but your standard of clean might not even be her standard of clean. That is why when you are somewhere new, the best thing you can do for yourself id observe. Don't make yourself a nuisance. Even the dishes you wish to wash might be a major issue for your hosts. I have seen people wash the dishes and then dry them with a napkin before they put it on the rack. I have seen people just wash and rinse and dump it in the rack and let the water drip into the tray. Some people find this disgusting. I especially am grossed out when I see the water marks on the tray. My sister for example washes her dishes and actually puts then in the dishwasher . You cannot insert yourself into the runnings of someone's home. It is better to observe and let your host lead. When I visit my older sister I never watch the TV in her living room because my brother in law does so many things on it. He times things to record on his box etc. I get overwhelmed by all of that. Would he kill me if I watch tv and somehow mess his programs up. No. But I'm not going to mess with his TV. To be honest I would not be surprised if this was more of a redneckish American crowd. This is a Nigerian crowd. I'm honestly surprised to hear that it is okay to do things like this.
On Aisha's end I can see how her brain is working. She obviously understands the pettiness of some Nigerian women and is coming from that angle. While I understand that, it does not change the fact that she was a guest. I am the type of person who will stand up for myself but even if I know that someone does not like me, I will have to prepare to put up with that person if I am in their home. It's not my place to check them over anything or anyhow th decide to run their home. Especially when I am clearly the one over stepping. It's not like I don't have my own home to return to and sit on my couch spread eagled and dig my nose if I want.

You like me are choosing to ignore the other aspect of OP' post which I agree is petty. .the kind of person that I am (people say I can make excuses for people ehn) I would have just automatically assumed she was shy and na me go bring am out of her shell sef.

But that's me.I am not too hung up on 'she eyed me' 'she looked at me somehow' .Evenmy mum(she is quite hung up on greeting do's and don't s which is normal for her culture and generation) sef knows not to report all those petty stuff to me cos she knows my answer I have said it soo many times on NL 'Salutation is not love'


I still believe its bad manners to up and go into the kitchen of someone I met the night before..if a rapport had been built fine but without it full stop the chic reacting the way she did is in bad taste. Madam should probably not have confronted her but that's me and its presumptuous for me to think everyone is like me.

I would be horrified if my kids went on a playdate and decided to help themselves to ice cream without asking the parents of their host.

Like you soulglo one 'eye' from mummy at certain places means 'you eat that food if you dare' Even at home you ask before you take stuff..

Today one of my colleague left yoghurt in the communal fridge and wanted to have it for lunch alas it was nowhere to be found In my mind am thinking which kind of bad manners is that how can you just take something that you obviously did not put there. boundaries boundaries boundaries

^^ Well said!

All these family section tales by moonlight sef


I agree with those who said it's rude to insert yourself into a person's home, and take charge without permission.

I also agree with those who think there's something wrong with the OP for calling the other woman a lovepeddler, and imagining she was rude to her the night before.
It's so easy to misinterpret expressions. I have on many occasions been among people who thought me snobbish for not 'mingling', while all along I was wondering how I'd fit into this crowd.

People make mistakes too. We weren't all raised the same way. There are people in the habit of making themselves at home wherever they are (God i can be guilty of this ni), and others who wouldn't move an inch.

Either way there will be some kind of complaint.
If our guests are forward, we'll accuse them of rudeness.
If they are withdrawn, we'll say they are 'looking at us with one kain eyes'.
Should they decide to stay in-between, we'll probably hear they are trying to 'feel familiar' or trying so hard to fit in.

There are better ways this issue could have been handled. For one you are a host. No matter how your guests behave, be gracious. If you walked into your kitchen to find her helping herself to your eggs, you could have whipped out one of those pretentious masks people tend to carry around (the one with a smile) and told her she needn't bother because you can handle the breakfast.
Then tell your husband to talk to his friend about his girlfriend running your kitchen.

It's really that simple, and I imagine you have that much grace in you except it had become a bit clouded from the debacle of the night before.

Good luck fixing this anyway.

^^^
I didn't read what you wrote but i concur with every bit of blood passing through my veins

jaybee3:
^^^
I didn't read what you wrote but i concur with every bit of blood passing through my veins

Character

***

Woman wahala
Dis is a very simple issue
The madam of d house is a troubleshooter jare
Na pepper body dey worry her
If u greet her husband and u her single u will be termed a lovepeddler.
Just few hours with a guest u already know she is a lovepeddler and side chick.
FAULT FINDER

Ewuro4:
NL eh

Well different strokes for different folks.. Traditions are modified to suit individual lifestyles as long as nobody gets hurt. Whatever rocks your boat, who am I to judge?

What am I driving at?; some people are just irritant when it comes to visitors, some aren't.


Edwife, I concur with your post, I just can't stand dirty dishes. Hubby always warn me to stop cleaning other people's homes sef. But they know me.
There's no such thing as boundaries when it comes to serious hunger. Especially when UK peeps visits, they tend to wake up earlier for breakie... I just make sure everything's all set for them to go, sometimes I leave a sticky with instructions sef

As per hubby friend's bringing mistresses into a married home, it's non of the host beeswax how their relationship will eventually turn out. Today's relationship is like try and error ....Just do your part to respect your husband and have a word with your man to make amendments with his friend. You have no business confronting your husbands guests, how would wify feel it it were her friend?

You know ewuro,if the girl(guest) was pregnant or the wife of the guy-i am definitely certain that there will be no problems,we won't even be here.
The host was not just friendly from the guest stepping into their home,she just didn't like that idea of his friend bringing his girlfriend to her home without her knowledge which is totally digestible.But let be sincere,they are there already-just be nice and courteous for 2 days after all the house still yours.When they are gone,let your husband know your displeasure,i have done it before.

The girl is not my problem,she is rude,ill mannered whatever but it's could have been avoided.....
Someone like me who read body language,my dear if i was the girl i will stay put in my room or better off go outside with my man to eat.

Edwife.. Why are you surprised? Nigerians are Naturally judgemental. That's why people stay in abusive marriages for example.

Ed you know the thread is not real right? Don't get all worked up abeg

Ewuro4:
Edwife.. Why are you surprised? Nigerians are Naturally judgemental. That's why people stay in abusive marriages for example.

Ed you know the thread is not real right? Don't get all worked up abeg

Lol...

Good night dear,i need me some beauty sleep....early morning things....

The only reason you posted it on here is because you are trying to overcome that guilt.

But my dear, on that story I just read, you were so wrong.

What happened to patience, tolerance??

I have had my share of bad guests but you just have to be patient and not take life too seriously.

Claiming boss over a box room all in the name of "My Kitchen"

I will tell you what you shoul hear.

Dear Op, try and be more patient with people and Life. And always remember, you're at the giving end of a favor today, no body know tomorrow.

damiso:


You like me are choosing to ignore the other aspect of OP' post which I agree is petty. .the kind of person that I am (people say I can make excuses for people ehn) I would have just automatically assumed she was shy and na me go bring am out of her shell sef.

But that's me.I am not too hung up on 'she eyed me' 'she looked at me somehow' .Evenmy mum(she is quite hung up on greeting do's and don't s which is normal for her culture and generation) sef knows not to report all those petty stuff to me cos she knows my answer I have said it soo many times on NL 'Salutation is not love'


I still believe its bad manners to up and go into the kitchen of someone I met the night before..if a rapport had been built fine but without it full stop the chic reacting the way she did is in bad taste. Madam should probably not have confronted her but that's me and its presumptuous for me to think everyone is like me.

I would be horrified if my kids went on a playdate and decided to help themselves to ice cream without asking the parents of their host.

Like you soulglo one 'eye' from mummy at certain places means 'you eat that food if you dare' Even at home you ask before you take stuff..

Today one of my colleague left yoghurt in the communal fridge and wanted to have it for lunch alas it was nowhere to be found In my mind am thinking which kind of bad manners is that how can you just take something that you obviously did not put there. boundaries boundaries boundaries

That's it there. Boundaries.

mutter:
For you to come here and ask this question you obviously are not comfortable with the situation.

The home belongs to both you and your husband.
The girl was there indirectly on the invitation of your husband.
If you respected your husbands friend you would not have abused the girl.
If you respected your husband enough, you would not have abused the friend by abusing the girl.

So now you see that mentioning you have a baby - interprets- He had the nerve to bring a girl into a decent house.
Mentioning she did not greet - means you expected her to show you respect.. Which is also okay.

But you could have acted matured. When two people come in together you greet them together. I just don`t understand how you greeted one and then there was this gap in time before greeting the other person to even look at her face. She might have seen the look on your face and reacted that way. Without knowing it your face might have betrayed you.

If she was preparing eggs, she just wanted to help by preparing food for everyone. It is very possible that the friend asked her to do so feeling he was close to your husband. Maybe they wanted to make up for the cold entrance the night before. However you were not patient enough to find out. The truth is that if you had hit it of with her the day before you would have thanked her for helping, even if you found it odd.

For you to insult her was absolutely wrong. You should have ignored it and played the friendly hostess. If you could not ignore, you should have spoken to your to your husband. It was his duty to clear the issue since they came to the house through him. Likewise should be the case if you bring someone to the home who does something that upsets him.

You got to understand the girl was just his bedmate but to the girl she was his everything

This is such a nasty comment!
This is clearly a girl that wants to get married. You now insult a fellow woman this way! Bringing us women down!
Anyway if she wants a serious relationship she needed to have been on her best behavior, but this tread is about you and not her.

Finally you made peace with your husband but that is not the end. Forgiven is not forgotten and one day he will remind you of this. Especially considering you did not apologize to the girl.
That apology to the girl is not because she did not deserve the insult. That apology is for insulting your husband`s guest.
If you were working in a hotel for a salary would you insult a rude guest!
Why then in your home that is more precious would you insult your husbands guest.

What happens when and if the man marries the girl?
That means the relationship between two friends would be strained because of the silly misunderstanding.
So my advice to you is to apologize the next time you see the girl. Invite them over for diner or find a way of arranging the meeting. Your husband will respect you the more for it.

You have opened the PANDORA`S BOX- Just wait and see what comes out of this reaction. Whenever you have visitors in the future you might find your husband a changed man .

mutter, I showed my elder brothers some of your comments and they swore that you are a man disguising as a woman. Is that true?

Ewuro4:
Edwife.. Why are you surprised? Nigerians are Naturally judgemental. That's why people stay in abusive marriages for example.

Ed you know the thread is not real right? Don't get all worked up abeg

True imagine how a lady with less esteem would have felt with all the insults verbal and none verbal haba, madams of today never forget you were babes of yesterday ohhhhhhh

U were nt wrong in getting angry dear, bt u should hav ignored she's nt staying forever u knw? Never let ur anger show in somtins!

aisha2:


Ehnnn a host is not a slave oh. If you act like a tout I would treat you as such you don't abuse my hospitality and expect me to grin and bear it however, as a host I would do my best to make sure you are okay, and comfortable. Before na TV i dey vex small over but thank God for PVR watch what you want I watch what i want in my room lol

Just imagine, you "used" to get annoyed over TV

Just that says a LOT

delishpot:


I notice many people come to your home and missbehave. Have you wondered why? You seem to be a push over. They keep comming you keep enduring, moving out of your home, leaving your matrimonial bed for them, and all that. sheesh! No wonder sha. If me sef dey find where I go miss behave, I will call you up.

Oops...that was when she was a student

moca:

Dear,I hv bn privileged to with people that host big figures.
What I learnt was,to be a good host,u hv to stomach ur pride and take ish from people cos there must be ish.
When they leave,my house belongs to me and I can do as I want.

I can only tell u I don't like what u r doing if and only if u r my friend.
If it's too much,call ur hubby by d side and tell him to communicate to d person. Eg a host smoking cigar in my house.

Read up how to be a good host.

That madam would hv turned d table by her approach.
I can smilingly say,"babes,na waa o,this one hunger no gree u sleep and u don enter kitchen this early momoo. Oya,come out,u r my guest,let me finish it up for u. What else do u want with it" even though I'm boiling inside.
She won't hv choice but to apologize and step aside. We can strike a convo and that is when I will stylishly tell her whatever she needs,she should let me know and of course,she should feel comfy.

There r ways to go about things like this.
Food kwa?

My aunt will enter d kitchen,survey and tell u to prepare for her too.
Everything must not end up in quarrel.

God bless women like yourself....especially you .

This issue is a delicate one which must be handle maturedly...What I like to ask the Op is the tone she used when she saw the girl in her kitchen..Sometimes the tone u get from the other person determines ur reaction. There has been a bad blood between them from the first night and I can understand the OP's reaction...Here is my Advise for the OP, next time when such issue happens u take ur Anger to ur husband because he brought them into ur home, confronting the girl its not a good idea irrespective of she being in ur kitchen..Your anger shud have been directed to ur husband that u won't take such in ur house and u husband wud have convey the msg to his friend and the friend will covey the msg to the Gf...You have every right to be angry about it but sometimes u learn to be patient in ur reaction....Have come to realise some people don't see something wrong in doing something until their attention is called to it...Though its good u din't apologise to girl but next time try and be a little patient before u react

taiwolusol:


Just imagine, you "used" to get annoyed over TV

Just that says a LOT

Lol you never see guests wey go carry ya remote go their room for night so you wont change channels lol. Upon my vexing highest I just carry my phone go online gist.

taiwolusol:


Oops...that was when she was a student

ok oooo.

Love me Love my dog!

. . .and we should learn to make sacrifices for the people that we love. When we bear that in mind, we learn to tolerate the people/things that our loved ones bring to our doorstep.

Before I am poached, let me make it clear that the lady has an attitude problem, but the host opened the floor. I am a woman and know how some of us read big meaning into little things.
"She looked at me with bad eyes" could have been something as simple as the girl being tired or feeling uncomfotable being around strangers or a little upset because she has been looking forward to spending "alone" time with Cassidy.

If as hosts, our guests are hungry enough to go into the kitchen to cook breakfast themselves, then we have failed as hosts. . Period!

What the op is not processing is that the girls motive was not to annoy her at the host, but the motive was most probably to cook food becasue at least one of them was hungry that morning, Maybe one of them is on medications and needs to eat.

Personally If I have opened my door to you, then you are welcome in my house. If you give me wahala or misbehave, next time you want to come, I will find an excuse for you not to come.
What the host should have done was the night before to ask them what time they normally wake up and what they would like for breakfast. We are not big breakfast people, but if we have guests we still make sure that we go with their own needs. They are our guests.

People need to look at the long term effect of things . . the hubby now has the impression that his wife is very unaccomodating to "his" people. There will come a time in the future when wifey will have a friend or relative that she will want her hubby to "accomodate! and if the man does not co-operate she will complain and fights begin. . . . all beacause a glrl who has long gone cooked eggs in your kitchen last year. We should be doing whatever we can to protect our marriages and some "fights" are really not worth it.

Ok my people I agree that madam should have handled it differently and yeah all that her she eyed me, she looked at me sonehow is petty.Also should probably not have confronted the girl if na me like you know Edwife am very lazy and my default breakfast is toast cereal croissant etc I would be so happy that I don't have to go in the kitchen. But like we have been told the story is a NL thriller written by the OP

So jokes apart, (and I know she should have probably set out breakfast stuff the night before AGAIN that is what I would do ) is it ok really really for a person to just up and go into someone who you dont really have a rapport with house and throw yourself into making breakfast. (male or female I am not even making it a gender or married/single issue).like ewuro even highlighted even though she is open and accommodating and is a good hostess she and hubby respected the boundaries of another friend's house who did not reciprocate their own gestures?

Like my earlier post, would you as a parent be happy for your child to go into the freezer of their friend's house and help themselves without asking if they could have it (even if they and the child are besties) ps I am not saying my kids can't eat at a friends I am talking about helping themselves without asking

aisha2:


Lol you never see guests wey go carry ya remote go their room for night so you wont change channels lol. Upon my vexing highest I just carry my phone go online gist.

Keep remote in my own house

People can be "impossible" sha...I'll try and keep that in perspective

mutter:
For you to come here and ask this question you obviously are not comfortable with the situation.

The home belongs to both you and your husband.
The girl was there indirectly on the invitation of your husband.
If you respected your husbands friend you would not have abused the girl.
If you respected your husband enough, you would not have abused the friend by abusing the girl.

So now you see that mentioning you have a baby - interprets- He had the nerve to bring a girl into a decent house.
Mentioning she did not greet - means you expected her to show you respect.. Which is also okay.

But you could have acted matured. When two people come in together you greet them together. I just don`t understand how you greeted one and then there was this gap in time before greeting the other person to even look at her face. She might have seen the look on your face and reacted that way. Without knowing it your face might have betrayed you.

If she was preparing eggs, she just wanted to help by preparing food for everyone. It is very possible that the friend asked her to do so feeling he was close to your husband. Maybe they wanted to make up for the cold entrance the night before. However you were not patient enough to find out. The truth is that if you had hit it of with her the day before you would have thanked her for helping, even if you found it odd.

For you to insult her was absolutely wrong. You should have ignored it and played the friendly hostess. If you could not ignore, you should have spoken to your to your husband. It was his duty to clear the issue since they came to the house through him. Likewise should be the case if you bring someone to the home who does something that upsets him.

You got to understand the girl was just his bedmate but to the girl she was his everything

This is such a nasty comment!
This is clearly a girl that wants to get married. You now insult a fellow woman this way! Bringing us women down!
Anyway if she wants a serious relationship she needed to have been on her best behavior, but this tread is about you and not her.

Finally you made peace with your husband but that is not the end. Forgiven is not forgotten and one day he will remind you of this. Especially considering you did not apologize to the girl.
That apology to the girl is not because she did not deserve the insult. That apology is for insulting your husband`s guest.
If you were working in a hotel for a salary would you insult a rude guest!
Why then in your home that is more precious would you insult your husbands guest.

What happens when and if the man marries the girl?
That means the relationship between two friends would be strained because of the silly misunderstanding.
So my advice to you is to apologize the next time you see the girl. Invite them over for diner or find a way of arranging the meeting. Your husband will respect you the more for it.

You have opened the PANDORA`S BOX- Just wait and see what comes out of this reaction. Whenever you have visitors in the future you might find your husband a changed man .

Mutter walai, I'm responsible for the sense you make these days, don't even ask me why I said so, just keep up the good work you started.

jadelyn007:
mutter, I showed my elder brothers some of your comments and they swore that you are a man disguising as a woman. Is that true?

I am a woman! Honestly I can`t understand why it has suddenly become an issue here on Nairaland.

Damiso dear there are a lot of ifs and buts and what mightbe's thats why host and hostee should have calmed down before laying into each other in the kitchen.

There could have been a reason. They may have even been trying to be considerate and didnt want to wake their hosts that morning

The couple have a 7 month old baby and maybe the parents had a bad night with the baby and they were sleeping in the morning and the guests didnt want to distrub them. Like I said, there could be medication involved.

They could also have been making love all night . . .marathon lovemaking makes one hungry

I would be offended if my guests chose to go and buy food outside becasue they didnt want to enter my kitchen becasue I was sleeping and they needed to take meds or were hungry

Seriously I dont see the reason why it all degenerated to this.

damiso:
Ok my people I agree that madam should have handled it differently and yeah all that her she eyed me, she looked at me sonehow is petty.Also should probably not have confronted the girl if na me like you know Edwife am very lazy and my default breakfast is toast cereal croissant etc I would be so happy that I don't have to go in the kitchen. But like we have been told the story is a NL thriller written by the OP

So jokes apart, (and I know she should have probably set out breakfast stuff the night before AGAIN that is what I would do ) is it ok really really for a person to just up and go into someone who you dont really have a rapport with house and throw yourself into making breakfast. (male or female I am not even making it a gender or married/single issue).like ewuro even highlighted even though she is open and accommodating and is a good hostess she and hubby respected the boundaries of another friend's house who did not reciprocate their own gestures?

Like my earlier post, would you as a parent be happy for your child to go into the freezer of their friend's house and help themselves without asking if they could have it (even if they and the child are besties) ps I am not saying my kids can't eat at a friends I am talking about helping themselves without asking

@bolded,

I think it is a culture thing

No right thinking Yoruba person would enter another person's kitchen without permission (except she/he is on a mission to cause trouble).

It might not be a biggie in other cultures.

mutter:


I am a woman! Honestly I can`t understand why it has suddenly become an issue here on Nairaland.

lol, its not only a nairaland issue, its a national issue

So all these grammar is because she fried egg in your kithcen

What if she took a shower in your bathroom . . . or had 3ex on your bedroom . . . or shited in your toilet

Seriously, una get energy.

Ujujoan:
So all these grammar is because she fried egg in your kithcen

What if she took a shower in your bathroom . . . or had 3ex on your bedroom . . . or shited in your toilet

Seriously, una get energy.

Na Police, Civil defence, mopol and 21 guard brigade go seperate that fight be that lol.

bukatyne:


@bolded,

I think it is a culture thing

No right thinking Naija person would enter another person's kitchen without permission (except she/he is on a mission to cause trouble).

It might not be a biggie in other cultures.

You said its a cultural thing then proceeded to assume for the whole of Nigeria. Am from the North, food is no biggie we dont distrust people with pot of soups people can fo into the kitchen and take food because its just food, shi-t in four hours.