KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to

The couple had a

Personally, I feel you have made up your mind.

But I will try to convince you.


Do you think it was your hard work that got you this far?

God did bro. And you need to start acknowledging him.

Have you tried putting your self in your sister's shoes?. The heartache she's currently going through?
Her life is shattering right before her eyes and you are shouting due process. Who made you a good mediator. Obviously others have tried, but it you are her last hope. Maybe just maybe she and the love of her will get back if you step in.


Forget the they didn't let me know. If you were nothing. Would it have mattered. Now you are something. Make it count by thinking about your Sister first before customs.

Customs change brah. We define what the norms should be. Before slesor. They killed all twin babies. It was customs to. But she changed that. In the interest of humanity.


Think about your sister first bro. She's family. Her happiness is more important than your ego. It is time to let go and let love lead.


Now step into that situation and save not your sister joy but your nieces and nephew.


Don't let the past define you bro. Think about now. Think.

DukeNija:


It’s like you need to see a doctor. I doubt you are well

May be I should, I haven't seen one in so many years.

You probably would have given my health state the benefit of doubt by asking me why.

Whatever decision you'll be taking,remember you're still the head by all customary standards and nothing can ever change that,not even the fact that you were not a part of your sisters' wedding.I know you feel hurt and utterly disappointed by your mum's decision and I can assure you she has realised her mistake and now feel ashamed to even apologize or make corrections.
We all make mistakes and not being invited should be counted as one of the many wrongs your mum had committed. Do not make another yourself now by not homhonouring your sister's pleas.She has realised she made a mistake by not standing her ground that you must be a part of her wedding and she intend correcting that,hence the persistent call to you to help out.
Bro,there is a reason you're the 1st born,there is a reason you had to fend for yourself the hard way to make it and there is a reason God gave you that mediating gift. What better way to put such gift to good use than solving a kid sis marital challenges.
Let your ego slide for now.Your child might need your sister's help tomorrow when you might be no more or even not be able to help,im sure you wouldn't want a situation where your sister would relay hiw you could have helped her when you had the chance to your daughter but blatantly refused due to ego and therefore returns the favour. Trust me,this kind of little issue lingers for ages and becomes even more complicated overtime in the lineage,if nit properly dealt with from the root.


You still have that chance to make it right now,make that chance count for good now bro......YOU ARE THE HEAD AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE WILL YOU BE THE TAIL!!!


PEACE!

engrelvis:
dnt mind Mr first son .d thing is entering his head as like most first son in our country.Gosh! Some can b so annoying .

Lol

Wait till you have a first son, you would understand the burden of such position by then, and you would discover the need to raise him differently.

KOPT33:


You understand my grouse perfectly. It is actually my sister that has persistently been asking me to do this. My mom asked me once but I reminded her that I am not aware if my sister is married or not so she did not ask further.

My Action Plan

Thanks to everyone who has contributed. An overwhelming majority of people have counseled that I maintain my course as it is the right thing to do. So, I will call my sister today and tell her not to ever discuss her marriage with me. She was 23 years old when she got married, so she wasn't a kid then.

To all the people who are saying I should forgive and recognize the marriage and then help work on mending it: thank you for your perspectives, but it is not the right approach for me.

Some people have asked what will happen to me when I get married: Truth be told, I don't care. When I get to that bridge I will cross it.

I rarely comment on NL but this your case is compelling. I'm presently experiencing a similar situation. It's easier to counsel when you've never been there. In reality, it's possible to forgive and forge on but it's almost impossible to forget.The pain is the kind that one lives with like a life-long disease. If the family suddenly noticed your good qualities that can possibly help resolve the situation, you can't help but wonder if you've always posses these qualities or you only acquired them through education, experience or financial stability. Anyways, since your own blood sister chose individuality over familial love and responsibilities when she had to make her choice, then no-one can fault you if you help maintain status quo. About your own future marriage, you already know the deal as every family member has lost the element of surprise. You will not be disappointed when they try to misbehave at the appointed hour. People just need to realise that you only get love when you invest in loving.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Let the elders that gave her out in marriage settle their issues. Your family disrespected you and gave your sister out u marriage without your consent, I put the blame to your mum and sister for disregarding you probably because you are no body then, let them carry their cross.
If they keep inviting you tell them that you don't know the bigging of the marriage so you can handle what you never witnessed, ask them to meet the elders.
Her husband is taking the advantage that your family is not united to treat her like a nobody.
Let her learn her lesson, no marriage is reliable and so nobody can be trusted when it comes to marriage.
Let your mother experience the humiliation you had when they neglected your personality.

angelbulksms:


Lol

Wait till you have a first son, you would understand the burden of such position by then, and you would discover the need to raise him differently.

bros our mentality about first son is making dem behave like alpha n omega.i dnt like it.am 45 .d first n only son of my mum.am a twin.from my age u should know I v first son.i v always drummed it into his head.i treat all my children equally . their is no burden of being a first son if u v a clear n gud mind.d quest to acquire inheritance n dominate make dem vengeful n wicked.

Luk at op.he said he struggled to become what he was.n so what? Na u start am.he did nt give any explanation for his falling out with his family.most mothers will nt abandon their children for over 3yrs.except something is terribly wrong somewhere.i can bet at d back of op mind he was waiting for a day like dis to 'punish " dem when he was suffering.my submission is dis- we first sons r d same as d rest children.is only age dat differentiate us .b gud n kind to junior ones.things can change tomorrow

Emaggy:
Forgive your loved ones for hurting you. Do what you can live with. Do the right thing. Use this your 'gift' for good.

Totally agree with this your advice to him...

OP, are you marriage counselor, a pastor, an elder or an Imam? If you are not one, tell me why you feel you can settle a married couple with issues
Your family is respecting you by calling you into your sister's marriage issues, if you don't want to then tell them you can't and act like a dullard, it's your business. You too will marry one day and trust women, when they know you've gat no family dat sticks wit you, de will 4q u up

engrelvis:
Luk at op.he said he struggled to become what he was.n so what? Na u start am.he did nt give any explanation for his falling out with his family.most mothers will nt abandon their children for over 3yrs.except something is terribly wrong somewhere.i can bet at d back of op mind he was waiting for a day like dis to 'punish " dem when he was suffering.my submission is dis- we first sons r d same as d rest children.is only age dat differentiate us .b gud n kind to junior ones.things can change tomorrow

The guy seems dull to me

sleekman:
This reminds me of one of the judges in Israel that was the son of concubine or harlot can't really remember. He was denied his inheritance when his father died so he left and went to another country where he became strong, wealthy and successful. His clansmen came to beg him to deliver them from the hands of the Philipstines. He initially refused, but later agreed by shrewdly renegotiating to be their leader. My brother your answer is in the book of Judges. God has given you authority and has disgraced your enemies wherever they are. They have acknowledged their faults, bitten the dust and come to you. Forgive, negotiate shrewdly and lead. Na God do am.

Oga the man you are talking about in the bible gave them the condition of making him the King after he must have delivered them. Which means he didn’t just forgive them.

engrelvis:
bros our mentality about first son is making dem behave like alpha n omega.i dnt like it.am 45 .d first n only son of my mum.am a twin.from my age u should know I v first son.i v always drummed it into his head.i treat all my children equally . their is no burden of being a first son if u v a clear n gud mind.d quest to acquire inheritance n dominate make dem vengeful n wicked.

Thank you for your contribution but I want you to consider something: how would you feel if you had a sister who got married, but you heard about the marriage from a stranger after six months, how would you feel?

The point is I was treated disdainfully and there was no excuse for that.

peacengine:
OP, are you marriage counselor, a pastor, an elder or an Imam? If you are not one, tell me why you feel you can settle a married couple with issues
Your family is respecting you by calling you into your sister's marriage issues, if you don't want to then tell them you can't and act like a dullard, it's your business. You too will marry one day and trust women, when they know you've gat no family dat sticks wit you, de will 4q u up

I really like your contribution, but there is one thing that stick out - you are projecting some of your reality onto me i.e "when a woman knows that there is no family that supports you, they will Bleep you up."

Wrong.

I have no issues with anyone in my family. When I get married and things do not work out, then things didn't work out.

peacengine:
OP, are you marriage counselor, a pastor, an elder or an Imam? If you are not one, tell me why you feel you can settle a married couple with issues
Your family is respecting you by calling you into your sister's marriage issues, if you don't want to then tell them you can't and act like a dullard, it's your business. You too will marry one day and trust women, when they know you've gat no family dat sticks wit you, de will 4q u up

I have a background in counseling and behaviour management. That's what I do now in addition to with writing.

I also have experience doing advocacy based work with some civil societies.

There is also something that you missed: My sister is the one who has been persistently asking me to advocate for her.

I guess there is something that she saw in me.

KOPT33:


Thank you for your contribution but I want you to consider something: how would you feel if you had a sister who got married, but you heard about the marriage from a stranger after six months, how would you feel?

The point is I was treated disdainfully and there was no excuse for that.

Is it the same sister who can't cook?

On a serious note if I was the one I won't involve myself for any reason. Simple as that

evavista:
its not an Ibadan adage and the correct statement is 'to ere is human, to forgive is divine'

Mr/s ITK it is To err is human to forgive is divine.... Gbegboru

peacengine:


The guy seems dull to me

He's not dull, he's on a mission and he has a very dark heart too.
His mind is already made up and his sister made a mistake trying to pass through him.

sharpwriter:


Your comment got my attention and I laughed out loud... Albeit looks true, but have you thought it that, Satan never asked for forgiveness! It wasn't written anywhere. Satan should come back and plead na.. don't you think . don't forget it was pride that made him an outcast.

According to the myths of God, he never forgive any angel. Check out d Angeles that born giants when they wanted to fly back he trapped them off and destroy them with humans in flood

engrelvis:
bros our mentality about first son is making dem behave like alpha n omega.i dnt like it.am 45 .d first n only son of my mum.am a twin.from my age u should know I v first son.i v always drummed it into his head.i treat all my children equally . their is no burden of being a first son if u v a clear n gud mind.d quest to acquire inheritance n dominate make dem vengeful n wicked.

It is true, some misbehave and get wicked. But that can be easily evaded by a wise dad.

For the emboldened: to say there is no burden of leadership on the first born, is like saying there is no burden on you with your position as a father. And to treat them equally in the context of leadership is not biblical, neither is it traditional nor wise.

Today, you're their father and they regard your words and abide for your household to be organized and respected, but a time would come when you would be long gone and your children would need a father-figure from within your own family - someone that can be a leader to them and have their interest at heart just like you.

At that time, the investment you made raising your first son for family leadership would be required. But if no such investment was made, your guess is as good as mine.

Evince:


According to the myths of God, he never forgive any angel. Check out d Angeles that born giants when they wanted to fly back he trapped them off and destroy them with humans in flood

Ehn sure, we know that. But research didn't get to the point of we knowing whether these angels asked for forgiveness or not

angelbulksms:


It is true, some misbehave and get wicked. But that can be easily evaded by a wise dad.

For the emboldened: to say there is no burden of leadership on the first born, is like saying there is no burden on you with your position as a father. And to treat them equally in the context of leadership is not biblical, neither is it traditional nor wise.

Today, you're their father and they regard your words and abide for your household to be organized and respected, but a time would come when you would be long gone and your children would need a father-figure from within your own family - someone that can be a leader to them and have their interest at heart just like you.

At that time, the investment you made raising your first son for family leadership would be required. But if no such investment was made, your guess is as good as mine.

u r missing d point n I dnt understand what you mean by investment on first sons so dat dey can b a gud leader for their junior ones.so u v nt seen a second or third son being a gud leader? dnt know whether u v travel out before to white land n c how dey treat their children . listen is d way Africans pampered n treat their first sons dat make dem feel dey r alpha n omega.Bleep father figure.immediately u r 18yrs a white father will start urging u to leave d house n fend for yrsef.i dnt treat my first son as a first son.i treat him as my son just like any of my children .he knows he is nothing special because he is a first son.dis will translate when treating his junior ones when i am gone.here in Africa because of properties n stupid culture most of first sons v turn their junior ones into their puppets.to b use n manipulated for their pleasures.sit on their father n mother properties at d detriment of their junior ones

KOPT33:


Thank you for your contribution but I want you to consider something: how would you feel if you had a sister who got married, but you heard about the marriage from a stranger after six months, how would you feel?

The point is I was treated disdainfully and there was no excuse for that.

u v nt told us yr reason for falling out with yr family.my point is dnt use yr position as first son to punish yr junior ones because our culture n society v given u d power.dey did nt tell u about yr junior sis marriage .big deal . circumstances n conditions cause dat.move on n do yr part n leave d rest to God.or u think is by yr power dat u r who u r today?

engrelvis:
u v nt told us yr reason for falling out with yr family.my point is dnt use yr position as first son to punish yr junior ones because our culture n society v given u d power.dey did nt tell u about yr junior sis marriage .big deal . circumstances n conditions cause dat.move on n do yr part n leave d rest to God.or u think is by yr power dat u r who u r today?

Classic African religious fueled guilt tripping.

In any case, I feel that you're a man of peace, or at least, pretend to be one. However, unless you walk in my shoes, you would think that all you said are easy.

engrelvis:
u r missing d point n I dnt understand what you mean by investment on first sons so dat dey can b a gud leader for their junior ones.so u v nt seen a second or third son being a gud leader? dnt know whether u v travel out before to white land n c how dey treat their children . listen is d way Africans pampered n treat their first sons dat make dem feel dey r alpha n omega.Bleep father figure.immediately u r 18yrs a white father will start urging u to leave d house n fend for yrsef.i dnt treat my first son as a first son.i treat him as my son just like any of my children .he knows he is nothing special because he is a first son.dis will translate when treating his junior ones when i am gone.here in Africa because of properties n stupid culture most of first sons v turn their junior ones into their puppets.to b use n manipulated for their pleasures.sit on their father n mother properties at d detriment of their junior ones

You are misunderstanding this matter of the first born especially as it relates to me.

If you're a first born in Africa, for some reason, you are going to be wiser, often richer and more knowledgeable than your siblings. It is just the way that our society is structured.

People have varying levels of maturity, but most times you will see that the older a person is, the wiser they are. This is one of the reasons why a first born matters: he is there to help his siblings grow up into adults. At a point whereby everyone in the family has grown into adulthood, the influence they wield will wane but everyone will still give them their respect.

In my case, I am already a leader in my family to an extent. Most of my inputs are financial. Where I draw the line is the part where I am expected to be the one who solves the family issues that a father will mostly be called to resolve. These include land issues in the extended family, issues with members of the extended family, going out to represent my father during umunna meetings etc. I have no interest in those.

KOPT33:


You are misunderstanding this matter of the first born especially as it relates to me.

If you're a first born in Africa, for some reason, you are going to be wiser, often richer and more knowledgeable than your siblings. It is just the way that our society is structured.

People have varying levels of maturity, but most times you will see that the older a person is, the wiser they are. This is one of the reasons why a first born matters: he is there to help his siblings grow up into adults. At a point whereby everyone in the family has grown into adulthood, the influence they wield will wane but everyone will still give them their respect.

In my case, I am already a leader in my family to an extent. Most of my inputs are financial. Where I draw the line is the part where I am expected to be the one who solves the family issues that a father will mostly be called to resolve. These include land issues in the extended family, issues with members of the extended family, going out to represent my father during umunna meetings etc. I have no interest in those.

u c what I am talking about? What makes u think u r wiser n knowledgeable dan yr junior ones ? Alot of resources n energy r Chanel into first son .dats what d sometimes give dem edge over their junior ones.in d past our girls were relegated.but most parents r training their girls now.we can all c d positive impact dey r ving in our society today.

engrelvis:
u c what I am talking about? What makes u think u r wiser n knowledgeable dan yr junior ones ? Alot of resources n energy r Chanel into first son .dats what d sometimes give dem edge over their junior ones.in d past our girls were relegated.but most parents r training their girls now.we can all c d positive impact dey r ving in our society today.

I don't like take a swipe at people on account of their age but you leave me no choice: you're still a kid. Notice I said "younger siblings" not "junior ones" - there is a world of difference between the two.

We mature at a slower pace in Africa and that any early maturity that you witness around around is the exception rather than the norm.

You will find a world of difference in the mindset and behavioural patterns of 20 & 30 year olds.

Nobody willingly wakes up in the morning and decides to take up the mantle of leadership in the home especially if they're first borns. A desire to not see siblings suffer or make mistakes is the chief driving force.

You sound like the last born of your family and that you're not being heard enough - don't worry, assert your independence in a matured way your folks will listen to you.

mustydeen:



Personally, I feel you have made up your mind.

But I will try to convince you.


Do you think it was your hard work that got you this far?

God did bro. And you need to start acknowledging him.

Have you tried putting your self in your sister's shoes?. The heartache she's currently going through?
Her life is shattering right before her eyes and you are shouting due process. Who made you a good mediator. Obviously others have tried, but it you are her last hope. Maybe just maybe she and the love of her will get back if you step in.


Forget the they didn't let me know. If you were nothing. Would it have mattered. Now you are something. Make it count by thinking about your Sister first before customs.

Customs change brah. We define what the norms should be. Before slesor. They killed all twin babies. It was customs to. But she changed that. In the interest of humanity.


Think about your sister first bro. She's family. Her happiness is more important than your ego. It is time to let go and let love lead.


Now step into that situation and save not your sister joy but your nieces and nephew.


Don't let the past define you bro. Think about now. Think.

You're not wrong about my already made up mind. I brought the issue to Nairaland to get feedback.

If an overwhelming majority of all the wonderful people who chimed in condemned me, then I would have backtracked, the responses were exactly what I'd hoped they would be.

KOPT33:


Classic African religious fueled guilt tripping.

In any case, I feel that you're a man of peace, or at least, pretend to be one. However, unless you walk in my shoes, you would think that all you said are easy.

am a first son of a family (both on mother n father side).my father is late too.my mum is still alive so bro I understand perfectly what am talking about .am nt pretending.i was born here tough I v travel out alot.i had a very stuborn brother n sister who did things dat were really bad.i can use my position to punish dem.but I was there for dem when dey got married.dey r better people today.there is nobody dat dnt v issues.is how u manage it dat matter.i c u as a quiet n vengeful person.is all gud.is yr life bro.i rest my case

engrelvis:
am a first son of a family (both on mother n father side).my father is late too.my mum is still alive so bro I understand perfectly what am talking about .am nt pretending.i was born here tough I v travel out alot.i had a very stuborn brother n sister who did things dat were really bad.i can use my position to punish dem.but I was there for dem when dey got married.dey r better people today.there is nobody dat dnt v issues.is how u manage it dat matter.i c u as a quiet n vengeful person.is all gud.is yr life bro.i rest my case

I agree with you: we all have issues but management is key.

But the thing that we cannot in common are methods for resolving the conflicts that crop up in our lives.

Another thing is that there is no one way of doing things right, and what is right has many shades and flavors.

KOPT33:


I don't like take a swipe at people on account of their age but you leave me no choice: you're still a kid. Notice I said "younger siblings" not "junior ones" - there is a world of difference between the two.

We mature at a slower pace in Africa and that any early maturity that you witness around around is the exception rather than the norm.

You will find a world of difference in the mindset and behavioural patterns of 20 & 30 year olds.

Nobody willingly wakes up in the morning and decides to take up the mantle of leadership in the home especially if they're first borns. A desire to not see siblings suffer or make mistakes is the chief driving force.

You sound like the last born of your family and that you're not being heard enough - don't worry, assert your independence in a matured way your folks will listen to you.

dis is what I find funny on dis forum.y can't u make yr point without being insultive? Is nt compulsory i must i agree on what u r saying n vice versa.i like intelligent n purposeful argument.i will nt nt insult u back.i will b bringing myself to yr level if I do dat.like I said earlier is all gud.is yr life.