KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

Patented:
She is still your sister, if you have an opportunity to try and ensure her happiness i think you should take it.
You can give them a piece of your mind after. Especially if u are successful in the mediation

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

linearity:
You should stay put and don’t mediate.

Traditional and custom wise, as far as you are concern, your sister is not yet married. They have to complete what the customs dictates before you make any move.

As the first son, you are the custodial of your family customs and traditions and cannot be seem as the one helping to undermine it. Tell your Sister and your Mom that, you are not aware of her marriage and that, your door is open, if they want to come and make things right.

And it does not require much to make things right, in my place, a bottle of wine or local gin is enough, it is not that you need their money or for them to come and pay homage to you.

Danchibez:




U made my points and that is d tradition which must b observed
Don't be surprise that d traditional negligence could b d resultant of d marriage crash ... Karma don't disappoint

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

PrimadonnaO:


Don't forget that you'll get married soon...and you'll also need your family. Family is indispensable, trust me.

My own concern here, though, is that, the husband may not take you seriously, knowing that he married your sister without coming to seek your consent, and of course, your family made him feel you weren't relevant.

ObservantFellow:



I'm assuming he's igbo. He is a man. A man doesn't need his family to get married. He just needs a spokesman. And probably a negotiator from the lady's side. Others are mere witnesses.

JennyJuggs:

Nor be human being dey d nairaland? He is gonna have a lot of suggestions, criticisms and a large audience. We still have sane people here.

sleekman:
This reminds me of one of the judges in Israel that was the son of concubine or harlot can't really remember. He was denied his inheritance when his father died so he left and went to another country where he became strong, wealthy and successful. His clansmen came to beg him to deliver them from the hands of the Philipstines. He initially refused, but later agreed by shrewdly renegotiating to be their leader. My brother your answer is in the book of Judges. God has given you authority and has disgraced your enemies wherever they are. They have acknowledged their faults, bitten the dust and come to you. Forgive, negotiate shrewdly and lead. Na God do am. @kopt33

goodnewscliff:
lol..... U self!!!!

KOPT33:


I am actually clear-headed with everyone in my family. Just that I live in self-perpetuated ignorance of my sisters marriage.

What would have been your reaction to the whole thing if you were me?

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?