nnamdiosu:


Your own conscience and words judge you...and they judge you wrong. That's why you are here.
If the above you said is true, (about satisfying your conscience), then why did you still bring the matter to nairaland?
You know you're wrong but you needed to hear it from someone else, Else you won't bother opening this thread.
Let me tell you the truth.
You're still hurt. You provide for them just to let them know you are very OK...and to derive the respect you want. Not because you really wanted to.
You still hold grudges against them in your heart...you may deny it but its true.
Listen. This is a test for you. God wants to bless you and make you even greater. God wants to bless your family through you...that all may know that the rejected stone has now become the cornea stone.
But you need to let the bitterness go. Forgive, then Mediate in the matter.

It will be solved through the wisdom God has given you already.
Then they will marvel at you. And say....blessed are the peace makers...for they shall be called the sons of God.

where was God when he was taken for granted? religious blackmailing has been on ground since time immemorial ,,,,smh

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

I don't know the full story why they treated you that way during lean times. But from what you've narrated, an apology from each member of your family is in order.

If we offend God and we want His forgiveness, we have to be sorry and ask forgiveness.

Your family shouldn't just pretend like everything has always been ok between you and them.

Don't meditate for your sister. Let them settle the ish between y'all first.

Charity begins at home, they say.

KOPT33:


You understand my grouse perfectly. It is actually my sister that has persistently been asking me to do this. My mom asked me once but I reminded her that I am not aware if my sister is married or not so she did not ask further.

Is a test to u, that's why u were treated that way. Help your sister as see what will follow.

Nwanne just don't bother ur head to listen to the Jesus babies in the house. God did not and has not forgiven satan. God still brood over his insubordination.

My advice is let the dead bury their dead.

If they have another problem they will remind u how u shouldn't hv interfered.

Just remain dead as they treated u.

Ask urself this question, what if my hustle didnt pay would I hv been recognized?

victorazyvictor:


Is a test to u, that's why u were treated that way. Help your sister as see what will follow.

Must she go back?

As a male, you were once a boy, now you are a man and being a man means being a worthy son, a great lover and a wise father at different points in time...your family members treated you like a boy when you were travailing to be a man and today you have proven to be a man but neglecting your duties as a father demeans you as a man. The wisdom of the those who claimed to be elderly have all failed and now the stone that the builders have rejected is now the head of the corner...so you must arise and supply the wisdom that the elderly in your household lack.

Just an opinion tho!

To be candid, in my opinion the reason that marriage is hitting the rocks is that you were ignored, because things were not done properly at the beginning since you didn't give them your blessings.

If I were your sister, I'd try to right the wrong, apologize for contracting marriage without the blessings of her 'father' (since biological father is late) and see a way to promise you to obey custom if or when the trouble is over. If not, that marriage will continually have problems.
#I Stand with righteousness

..... Family Travails sha.No perfect family out there. Always a herculean task forgiving the remorseless. It might even seem easier to renounce your Faith than to forgive remorless aparthy harboring family members. It takes a determined and enduring mind to suppress and look beyond joy killing orchestrations deliberately mete out by Judases within to the shinning stars of the family, which indifferently to them, dampens and diminishes their future relevance. Do not let the apparent disdain from your mum and others hinder you from playing a vital and noble role of restoring unity and harmony between your sister and her estranged husband. We will not be remembered after this life by how tough we were, or so much by how one hell of a great provider we were, but by how we impacted the lives of others. You will be remembered mostly by how much humanity you were able to extend to others. Its not easy doing these things, but it's worth it in the end.

GoldenJAT:
Bro....mk sure u suit urself 1st...allow d hurt 2 touch and overwhelm u a bit.u can't b JESUS CHRIST...d only perfect being i know of.i have a simple philosophy in life..no1 has d monopoly 2hurt another.if u werent there when d going was tough...u definitely have no business with me,when d going takes a softer stance.REFUSE THEIR ENTREATIES..AND LET THEM CLEAR THEIR MESS...let them know u r d 1st son 4 reason.

well said

Acidosis:

Your mom has some explanations to make. Until that is done, do nothing.

Two statements that destroy people:

(1) Leave everything to God (yeah, leave everything to god including your commonsense)

(2) Forgive and forget (oh, what about correct, forgive and forget?)

KOPT33 listen to this guy. If you dance to their tune tomorrow they will believe they can always put dirty hands in your eyes and you will thank them.

KOPT33:


You understand my grouse perfectly. It is actually my sister that has persistently been asking me to do this. My mom asked me once but I reminded her that I am not aware if my sister is married or not so she did not ask further.

What was her excuse,is shebeing remorseful.This scenario may be God punishing them for what they did to you and funny enough the guy might listen to you.

It happened to my husband.The diff was that he mistakenly travelled to the vilage for a prog and discovered his sis wine carrying was going on.He quietly drove by and of course they saw him.

Do you know that my Mum in law actually collected money from us for it without telling us the truthful reason for the money.close to one yr later,the husband of my sis in law would start pummeling her with blows accusing her of a former marriage(a 21 yr old girl)where and how?and they needed a male to intervene.Of course they called me to beg my husband who also told me to inform them that he didnt know she was married.

Last last,the day he intervened the guys brain don reset.he didnt mediate,he simply threatened the guy...lol
If your sis is remorseful,go to work.There is a reason you are the first son.When you are satisfied though.Let no one manipulate you with their preaching cos you owe no one.

I feel u bro. I can as well do the same. Let them know the reason u cant mediate and if they can made amends then u have to bring the two families together. Whether you like it or not, you are the head! Whether they hurt you in the past or not, it is your duty.

KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

I completely agree with your position. One has to have principles. Rest assured if your sister's hubby had become state governor and they had all prospered more than you, you'd remain nothing to them.

I commend your fulfilling your economic responsibilities towards them. That is what a man should do.

Going on with the marriage without your consent is akin to doing it without your dad's consent. Because traditionally your dad left your siblings in your care. The elders who did such messed up big time. If they had contacted you and you refused repeatedly, the elders could have gone ahead.
A lot of people saying forgive and just mediate, most would never spend a dime on such relatives. Many also have no respect for African tradition. They'd give it up at the slightest opportunity given half a chance.

Whereas they will not consider a church wedding as valid if their "daddy G O" in their church was not informed or the church tradition was not followed in concluding church marriage.

If you were not there, who then collected the articles meant for the bride's dad?

In my view the traditional marriage is null and void.

Sure forgive their behaviour towards you and the general disregard. But marriage is very specific. If your sister had come to harm in her marriage, it would have meant you couldn't protect one of your "children". Even though you had no hand in the marriage.

Love your siblings as your father would, but you have to be accorded similar respect.

However, consider how the matter affects your sister. How will she and her children suffer if all breaks down? If she will suffer badly, mediate for your dad's sake. But also be sure that both your sister & her hubby want you to mediate. After that they have to atone/apologise for their previous behaviour.

Even our perfect God requires us to confess our sins and sincerely desire to follow Jesus' example as part of the requirements to be born again.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Don't mediate, they are WICKED

donstan18:
Just know that you are not GOD and you cannot stop what is destined to be, you can only delay it.

so, the sister that sidelined him is God abi? Oga say something reasonable

KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

That's why I said they are wicked. They are still arrogant. I repeat. DON'T GO

ok

i know everybody will is say forgive, but I like your decision.

Evince:
Nwanne just don't bother ur head to listen to the Jesus babies in the house. God did not and has not forgiven satan. God still brood over his insubordination.

My advice is let the dead bury their dead.

If they have another problem they will remind u how u shouldn't hv interfered.

Just remain dead as they treated u.

Ask urself this question, what if my hustle didnt pay would I hv been recognized?

I support this... My name is karma.. I take things to heart

We understand the pains you went through, when you don't have money you are nobody, but the lesson has been learnt, without event there's no history, forgive and move forward. Blood is thicker than water she's still ur sister. Remember that women act before they think. Then your Mom believed in ur sister because girls always find their footings before boys.

Whatever you choose to do right now is okay. If you have no interest in getting involved don't let people guilt trip you into it but if you feel you want to interfere, by all means do. Anyone, I mean anyone irrespective of relationship who cannot honor you at your worst does not deserve you at your best. People with their entitlement mentality feel they can just do whatever they want and make up later, after all he's my brother, she's my sister. Shior! Only assist if that's what you want to do.

I understand ur story its very touching. Even though u interfere pls don't forget to tell them how you feel and d wrong they av done.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

KOPT33 literally the husband didn't know you.. Pls stay clear before it back fires and they would say u r d cost of everything

LadySarah:
Its a terrible thing they did like you were dead and unimportant to them already.

You stand as her father and shoulnt have been neglected in anyway.If your mum couldnt intimate you why couldnt your siblings?It is an abomination in Igbo land.
My elder bro have.stood as my father for over 14 yrs now.Each and everyone of us ladies fully involve him in our marital activities evn while he was in his twenties.

Igbo si na ana akwanye ugwu akwanye
O bu Omenala

Ah! lady Sarah nna gi musiri gi ike.

I have a similar experience and now they're calling me- my mum and my foolish sister. The man in question is dead. Now that he has died she and my mum wants me to come and play head of house.

Bro, it seems this is one of the reasons why u are the head of ur family. If u will find it in ur heart, just mediate and give her the lost peace of her marriage back and then keep ur diplomatic way of ur life on.buh I want u to know that u are a good man..and God gave u this gift of mediation for a reason and there's no better way to use it than now. Family will always be family!!! Good luck!

Hi bro.
I think I understand how this feels.
I have come across similar situations before...it’s never funny, not easy...

But guess what¿ You’re a strong man and God seems to be more on your side...

What I’m I even saying?
...don’t do it for your Mom, sis or any other close family.
...but, please, do it for the sake of your Dad/father. Let him roll over wherever he is and nod in smiles...’’that’s my son’’.
Perhaps, your father would do the same...even for you.

Remember, by intervening/mediating whether the process succeeds or not, you’d be heaping coal of fire on their heads/consciences.. according to Romans 12

Evince:
Nwanne just don't bother ur head to listen to the Jesus babies in the house. God did not and has not forgiven satan. God still brood over his insubordination.

My advice is let the dead bury their dead.

If they have another problem they will remind u how u shouldn't hv interfered.

Just remain dead as they treated u.

Ask urself this question, what if my hustle didnt pay would I hv been recognized?

Your comment got my attention and I laughed out loud... Albeit looks true, but have you thought it that, Satan never asked for forgiveness! It wasn't written anywhere. Satan should come back and plead na.. don't you think . don't forget it was pride that made him an outcast.

Why take revenge on your sister? Your flesh and blood.
Offence from family members and friends is a constant factor in our existence on earth.
A leader who can't forgive is he a leader?
Brotherly,abeg forget the past and GO SAVE YOUR SISTER MARRIAGE.After all,na she dey cry for your help.
Now you dey feel like Jagaban not to help her .........and even carry the matter come NL for people to sympathize with you.
Go to the needful-help your sister's marriage.
#IamAFirstSonToo.

Forgive Them, What They Did Is Past,focus on today,thank God for today, For God to make you to be someone they can run to, mediate and reunite their home, just forgive !