InvertedHammer:
/
The most difficult thing in a marriage is not communication.

It is whether the one you love really loves you or is it marriage of convenience. For all you didn't know, you could be the second choice and she still misses the first choice. You want to reconcile with your wife. Does she want reconciliation? You may be reconciling into being bathed with hot water and pepper. I always see good things in every bad situation. God is saving you. Forward ever; backward never.

Good luck. If you see a lady that cherishes her husband, you will know... and vice versa.
\

you have spoken well bro. That is the long and the short of marraige. Does she love you or was she into it out of convenience or societal pressure. I dare say, a large number of recent marriages are pretty much out of convenience.

Ishilove:
'Miscommunication' and boom! Separation. Smh

People of nowadays don't know the meaning of marriage. They just jump in and jump out like they are playing jump rope. It is no longer sacred or till death do part.

They just like the razzmatazz of pre-wedding pictures and the glitz and glamour of weddings, which is why when storm hits the so-called marriage it collapses like a pack of cards because of faulty foundation. 80% of people getting married nowadays are not emotionally ready for the rigours of marriage

There has always been separation in Nigeria Marriages just that there is more conversation about it now due to internet and social media. Check around. You will see a lot of step children everywhere.

God bless u for telling him not to go to a pastor or imam, if 40% of blacks can think like this Africa would have been a better place.

Lexusgs430:


Is she willing to reconcile? Has any of you stretched out the olive branch previously? Do you have any kids? Has any external family members/3rd party person tried to intervene? Have you supported your kids or her during this period (assuming you have and they are with her)? Has either of you worked on your communication skills and inter-personal relationship skills? Have you/her sought counselling (not from a pastor or imam, but a professional councellor)?

Get this book

CHIGIM:
God bless u for telling him not to go to a pastor or imam, if 40% of blacks can think like this Africa would have been a better place.

Unfortunately, it seems religious leaders have somehow warped the thinking mentality of our people...... Every little thing, the next advice people give is, speak to your pastor......

All of a sudden, the pastor has been converted into a master/mistress of all...

Get this book and read it carefully

Be honest with yourself, if you are the one at fault before the break up, u can also lower your pride and call her back but if you aren't, case closed.

She isn't looking back after 4 months, why should u? And mind u, she will probably feel like god and start acting funny when u call her back.

EgunMogaji:


So what it’s marriage?

He doesn’t deserve to be happy in his life? Continue to be an emotional footwear to a basically stranger?

Waste of complete time after 4 months.

Just shut up already

Butterflyleo:


Just shut up already

Nope, request denied

@ doreto, This is one of the reasons why nairaland is one of the worst places to come to for relationship advice. It is littered with all sorts. People with their own personal psychological issues and bad experiences garnered in their own corner who are looking for people to misadvise based on their flawed perspectives and reactions. Mtcheew

OP its cool to want to be a peace maker and to desire to fix your marriage. I do agree that 4 months is a bit too long to have let this linger but I also believe that with the right mindset and determination, anything can be fixed.

Putting aside all the miscommunication you talked about, if you still feel your wife is a gem in other areas, then make an effort and get the ball rolling in that direction. At least now you both know better and once you know where both of you have erred and agree on this, then that makes the entire process and both your futures in the marriage a whole lot easier.

Send her an SMS or call her or even send her a gift with a message from your heart. Woo her afresh. Make her feel special and let her realise that you never stopped thinking about her despite the 4 months apart.

Ignore those who are asking you to move on. Move on to who? Do you think there is an angelic woman out there? There is a reason you as the man is called A BRIDEGROOM. You are meant to groom your wife to become the person you would be proud of. NEVER shirk this responsibility or take it for granted. With the right kind of love, you can bring out the best in your wife and also with a wrong attitude, you can bring out the beast in her.

Be willing to accept the blame even when you are innocent. You are built to endure as a man, she isn't. Take much of the rap for her sake. Remember, she is a weaker vessel.

Most of all, learn to fix things quickly. Fire dies over time. Never allow the fire of love and passion towards your spouse to die off due to procrastination.

EgunMogaji and his likes this advice goes to you too. Marriage is not microwaved. Its not a drive through. It is a very special aspect of ones life that builds potential, worth, and matured views to life. Mess with it and you mess with you.

Butterflyleo:


EgunMogaji and his likes this advice goes to you too.

I didn't ask for nor take marital advice from online numpties.

EgunMogaji:


I didn't ask for nor take marital advice from online numpties.

Its been given nevertheless and cannot be withdrawn. You call me stupid for disagreeing with you. It shows that indeed even you are still a kid when it comes to marriage and I who is still single, should be your marriage counsellor.....EgunNumpty.

Butterflyleo:


Its been given nevertheless and cannot be withdrawn. You call me stupid for disagreeing with you. It shows that indeed even you are still a kid when it comes to marriage and I who is still single, should be your marriage counsellor.....EgunNumpty.

Keep stroking yourself there

You're worthless to me, a non-entity. You're like a piece of gum stuck to the sole of my shoe, that as useful as you are to me

EgunMogaji:


Keep stroking yourself there

You're worthless to me, a non-entity. You're like a piece of gum stuck to the sole of my shoe, that as useful as you are to me

Yet I am "worthless" enough to elicit a response from you right?

I rather believe that i am the one giving you marital worth right now. Go ahead and bask in it. It surely doesn't come your way often.

Butterflyleo:


Yet I am "worthless" enough to elicit a response from you right?

I rather believe that i am the one giving you marital worth right now. Go ahead and bask in it. It surely doesn't come your way often.

Oh dude, I'll respond to bash your worthless head into the ground all night.

Let's go

EgunMogaji:


Oh dude, I'll respond to bash your worthless head into the ground all night.

Let's go

If you could only see how worthless you are making yourself look with the childish tantrum you are throwing simply because I disagreed with your position.

This "I want my lollypop" childish tantrum you are tossing my way is simply an eye opener to the cracks you got going on within you as a man and much more as a married man.

Butterflyleo:


If you could only see how worthless you are making yourself look with the childish tantrum you are throwing simply because I disagreed with your position.

This "I want my lollypop" childish tantrum you are tossing my way is simply an eye opener to the cracks you got going on within you as a man and much more as a married man.

Lollypops?

You're just a barnacle, a blistering one at that.

You quoted me, you'll always be worthless.

EgunMogaji:


Lollypops?

You're just a barnacle, a blistering one at that.

You quoted me, you'll always be worthless.

Is that it? Is that the almighty "Oh dude, I'll respond to bash your worthless head into the ground all night" response?

You mean "blistering barnacle" is all you could muster? Smh.

Indeed you are a child. I am simply still offering you a modicum of respect by holding back my fingers from doing damage to your already deflated and torn manliness. I would politely ask that you do not let even that fizzle out. This is me being nice. EgunTintin

Butterflyleo:


Is that it? Is that the almighty "Oh dude, I'll respond to bash your worthless head into the ground all night" response?

You mean "blistering barnacle" is all you could muster? Smh.

Indeed you are a child. I am simply still offering you a modicum of respect still by holding back my fingers from doing damage to your already deflated and torn manliness. I would politely ask that you do not let even that fizzle out. This is me being nice.

I don't need respect from waifs and online trolls like you, you're simply a worthless and incompetent oaf.

Was that enough to stop you being nice?

InvertedHammer:
/
The most difficult thing in a marriage is not communication.

It is whether the one you love really loves you or is it marriage of convenience. For all you didn't know, you could be the second choice and she still misses the first choice. You want to reconcile with your wife. Does she want reconciliation? You may be reconciling into being bathed with hot water and pepper. I always see good things in every bad situation. God is saving you. Forward ever; backward never.

Good luck. If you see a lady that cherishes her husband, you will know... and vice versa.
\

Gbam

Move on with your life .. this marriage don end .

doreto:
Answers to your questions:
We've not communicated since the incidents,I do not know her state of mind in terms of reconciling.I guess I want to discover that as well if I finally implement your ideas.No kids yet,so no need for family support.

I had taken the decision,on my part,not to contact her all this while.Apparently,that feeling was mutual.The separation was a confusing scenario to me and I hoped to understand it better if given time and patience.I believe there were third party movers for it,based on lies against me on her part.

I also advised some who wanted to make peace initially to shelve the ideas while I get the bearing on the issues emotionally.I am there now.

I am thinking - this is really difficult,it's been a painful period for me - that contacting and communicating with her will be the test of whether those ingredients as you mentioned are now present.I haven't talked to any counsellors about the issues or my thoughts yet.

In order not to waste ur time or go in circles. Ask urself do u still want this relationship?

It caused u great distress emotionally and now u hv found emotional peace and sanity. Do u want to go back 2 wat caused u pain? Why?

Who was at fault on the that lead to this seperation?

Wat exactly do u want now? Resolved the issue or just walk back in because u want to keep ur marriage at all cost?

Is there any love or connection still between u to? Has it relation always been difficult or is this a one of?

These questions will help u know exactly wat u want to do and wat is best.

EgunMogaji:


I don't need respect from waifs and online trolls like you, you're simply a worthless and incompetent oaf.

Was that enough to stop you being nice?

You are now sounding like a broken record. I keep hearing echoes of the word "worthless". Is there no other lexicon known to you?

You are obviously a lightweight. The bashing would be unfair on you if I choose to offload. We are not in the same weight category.

Suffice to say that my message has been passed to the OP and by extension, to you as well. I do not want you to give me credit for adding value to your marriage and helping you patch up the cracks you have zigzagging all over your marital and emotional life.

Take it as my contribution to you towards a better world filled with mature minded men and not simpletons parading as men. These days men no longer know their role and their strength in a relationship. They whine and whimper like women over ridiculous and childish things when they should be the ropes deliberately pulling everything together in their homes even at the risk of the ropes burning their hands or the energy being expended. Real men fight for their marriages. Weak men make up excuses. Go figure.

If your wife/husband is out of town for three days and you can't wait for her/his return, then you are in love.

If you have to do a quick stop at a bar before going home to your spouse, check yourself. You are only "managing".

At the dinner table, look across the table. Do you see that lady or man sitting there? Your spouse right? That's the best you could do.
/

Butterflyleo:


You are now sounding like a broken record. I keep hearing echoes of the word "worthless". Is there no other lexicon known to you?.

Not interested in reading your diatribe.

You're a worthless cretin to me. Sorry that it hurts you, but that is simply your value to me.

InvertedHammer:
If your wife/husband is out of town for three days and you can't wait for her/his return, then you are in love.

If you have to do a quick stop at a bar before going home to your spouse, check yourself. You are only "managing".

/

To me, if neither of them can stay apart from each other without contact for 4 months without communication then what's the point of a reconciliation?

Even when one spouse is on the space station, they still communicate

OP and his Wife should be having a dying need to see each other. What will happen when kids start popping up?

EgunMogaji:


Not interested in reading your diatribe.

You're a worthless cretin to me. Sorry that it hurts you, but that is simply your value to me.

The one it hurts is the one who just cannot stop repeating "you are worthless" like a playback loop. Its like you just have to keep trying to reassure yourself that you hold some worth right?

Yeah I know the psychology. Its called an inferiority complex.

Butterflyleo:


The one it hurts is the one who just cannot stop repeating "you are worthless" like a playback loop. Its like you just have to keep trying to reassure yourself that you hold some worth right?

Yeah I know the psychology. Its called an inferiority complex.

It really grinds your gear, doesn't it?

You're a truly worthless human being. You have zero value.

EgunMogaji:


To me, if neither of them can stay apart from each other without contact for 4 months without communication then what's the point of a reconciliation?

Even when one spouse is on the space station, they still communicate

OP and his Wife should be having a dying need to see each other. What will happen when kids start popping up?

/
That marriage is over. Any reunion will be based on pretense or ulterior motives and tend not to end well especially for young couples. The wife has moved on but OP is still reminiscing of old times. Once another lady enters his life and fills the void, he will be doing thanksgiving in a church for being liberated from the machinations of the ex-wife and her family.
/

EgunMogaji:


It really grinds your gear, doesn't it?

You're a truly worthless human being. You have zero value.

So you say. But in my supposed "zero value" state I have given you sound councel which obviously ground your gear enough to feel this undeniable urge to regain your self esteem by repeatedly calling me worthless.

Make sure you do not misplace the piece of paper you wrote down my wisdom nuggets on alright?

Butterflyleo:


So you say.

Nothing you type is off value dude.

You're just a waste. Simple as that.

BellaElla:
Op you have given very vague reasons for your split.
For a woman to agree to stay away for (damning society talks on broken marriages) she must have had her limit.
I expected you to give clear reasons for your break up , so that experienced people (there are lots of them on this forum) can advise you on the way forward.
Was there cheating involved? Family interference, what exactly?
If you were really serious about reconciliation talks, you will not be given these lukewarm, neither here-nor there answers.
You need to give us background info to work with, so that you can be advised accordingly.
Even if you two don't reconcile, you can also apply some of the advice garnered here going forward , so that you do not make the same mistakes in your subsequent relationship(s).

See Amebo! Busybody......