InvertedHammer:


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That marriage is over. Any reunion will be based on pretense or ulterior motives and tend not to end well especially for young couples. The wife has moved on but OP is still reminiscing of old times. Once another lady enters his life and fills the void, he will be doing thanksgiving in a church for being liberated from the machinations of the ex-wife and her family.
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This is a valid point because 4 months of no communication is a long time. That is 120 days of both parties neglecting each other. However, there is no harm in trying to reconcile since one party is interested.

OP - don’t call or SMS your wife. I have read many suggestions on this here. This is not a matter of phone call or SMS, you lost using such medium after not trying for 4 months. Setup a meeting using a mutual friend as I have said previously. That mutual friend will help you know whether your wife is interested in reconciliation or not.

If she is interested, you would have to woo your wife all over again. This time it will be more expensive in terms of finance and time, but it’s the sacrifice you must make if you truly want reconciliation.

Let’s be honest, your wife may have moved on and possible active in the dating game. You may also have to consider this and since there is are kids involved, it also makes your chances of reconciliation slim.

Doreto know one thing that people that are down will always want to bring you down. If you listen to pipedreams he will finish you, he's mad.
Egunmogaji the olosho master too is crazy. So many Mad Men on the streets

Deprofessional:
Immediately after my wedding 7 years ago, my mother called me one night and gave me a piece of advice that has kept me a happily married man.

My mother told me never to allow any problem or disagreement with my wife to linger for a long time.

She told me that I should always make a move to reconcile with my wife even if she is the one at fault.

According to my mother, people will see me as not capable of holding my family together if my marriage fails.

There are times I will shout, scold and use bad words on my wife, but before the next day, I will make reconciliation moves. I will apologize, kiss and
even make love to her.

With this strategy, my family lives in happiness.

What works for my family may not work for yours.

But from your post I can see ego and pride in you. Nothing kill marriage like ego and pride.


And please don't ever think that the next woman is better than your wife.

best advice there

Doreto, I know I'm late to the party but let me tell you straight up, your marriage is over. Four months and she hasn't made any moves to reconcile and you think you have a wife? Lol, brother, she's gone. If, and this is a big if, she agrees to come back it will more of the same thing that caused this separation in the first place and even worse because she doesn't want to come back, if she did she would have made the move to.

She is having the time of her life. I advise you to move on as well. I repeat, your marriage is over. But you can try to find out for yourself sha.

Timbuktuo:
Doreto, I know I'm late to the party but let me tell you straight up, your marriage is over. Four months and she hasn't made any moves to reconcile and you think you have a wife? Lol, brother, she's gone. If, and this is a big if, she agrees to come back it will more of the same thing that caused this separation in the first place and even worse because she doesn't want to come back, if she did she would have made the move to.

She is having the time of her life. I advise you to move on as well. I repeat, your marriage is over. But you can try to find out for yourself sha.

My sentiments exactly. Personally I'd advice you move on with your life and get invested in someone else while making sure you learn the lessons that led to the breakdown of your marriage and apply it to your next. That's how you learn and grow.

If she contacts you, fine. And I want her to contact you, so that if you guys settle it will be on your own terms. That's what makes you a man. Rein in those useless emotions and try to think rationally. I know it's hard but try.

If she couldn't call you all these months, why should you? Especially if she was the one at fault, I don't subscribe to being the 'bigger man'. That's how you get turned to a doormat.

Most women are very very proud but people dismiss it and try to get you to overlook it by spewing rhetorics like 'Shebi you're a man? You should understand her na, she's a woman.'

Women have very large egos too. Always thinking they are irreplaceable or they should be worshipped. It's your job to prove her otherwise. Most of these new generation ladies don't really know what marriage entails.

Our fathers were worse, dictatorial. We are better than they were, but modern day women want to push you past your breaking point and even then whatever you do is never enough. Life is too short to give someone the power to make you unhappy and miserable biko.

Boss13:
Use a mutual friend to ascertain her mindset. The mutual friend should pay her a visit and discuss life generally and bait her with the possibility of reconciliation. The mutual friend should not disclose the possibility of you reconciling, but ascertain her readiness to reconciliation in the case that she is interested. From the general discussion, the mutual friend can ascertain if she has moved on, like there is a man in her life or she still misses you. The mutual friend can also ascertain, from your wife’s perspective, what she thinks about the separation.

[b]4 months is actually a long time, [/b]so in the case she is opened to reconciliation, don’t rush it. Take it slowly and gradually because she may have lost all love for you and I believe your relationship with her family members is toxic too.

Don’t call or send text, you may not like the response. You have to ascertain her mindset on whether she may want to reconcile with you.

You have spoken good words but I have problem with those of you harping on the duration of time they've been separated. I am a Lawyer. In the line of work we've seen couples reconcile after being separated after far longer period of time. Even seven years.

It's not about the duration of time they've been separated. It's about now. Are they ready to reconcile now?

Pipedreams:


African mentality...U care about your image to society I doubt you really love ur wife..Fake smiles to the public eyes then die inside the house...shior. I'm sure your from Anambra. Nmayi si

Chaii see jealousy

efavour:
Please don't take this advice here. There is nothing as romantic as a man shelving his pride to reach out or even seduce his wife after a fight. She will forgive you everything even if you were in the wrong .

Aunty Favor, I see you.

Iolo:


Wrong advise. Elder no dey there when dem marry. The two of them can resolve this if they both want to. If one person no gree the oda waka. No b by force.

I ve been married for 9 years and have NEVER reported my wife to anyone. But I can tell you op case is beyond ' no 3rd party' principle

waywardpikin:


My sentiments exactly. Personally I'd advice you move on with your life and get invested in someone else while making sure you learn the lessons that led to the breakdown of your marriage and apply it to your next. That's how you learn and grow.

If she contacts you, fine. And I want her to contact you, so that if you guys settle it will be on your own terms. That's what makes you a man. Rein in those useless emotions and try to think rationally. I know it's hard but try.

If she couldn't call you all these months, why should you? Especially if she was the one at fault, I don't subscribe to being the 'bigger man'. That's how you get turned to a doormat.

Most women are very very proud but people dismiss it and try to get you to overlook it by spewing rhetorics like 'Shebi you're a man? You should understand her na, she's a woman.'

Women have very large egos too. Always thinking they are irreplaceable or they should be worshipped. It's your job to prove her otherwise. Most of these new generation ladies don't really know what marriage entails.

Our fathers were worse, dictatorial. We are better than they were, but modern day women want to push you past your breaking point and even then whatever you do is never enough. Life is too short to give someone the power to make you unhappy and miserable biko.

Hello, sir, I smiled while reading your comment, but I have to disagree on one part which is your last paragraph. Our fathers were dictatorial because that is what women respond to, a man who doesn't give a fûck. You say we are better because we are considerate but look at all the challenges we face at the hands of women today. Shouldn't we be treated with more respect than out fathers were? Isn't that what logic would demand?

Alas, our fathers knew what they were doing, sir. How come today's bad boys get the better girls and the good guys get the worst ones? I say we need to revert to the proper way of doing things, "my way or the highway".

This guy should have moved in another woman the first month after his wife moved out and heard no word from her. Four months with no communication means only one thing, she has been insulting him because she doesn't respect him and doesn't even care for him. We need to be as ruthless as our fathers were.

Amhappy:


Chaii see jealousy

It is jealousy because it's coming from a man, bit if a woman had made that same comment asking another woman to pursue her happiness instead of seeking society's approval, you would have been chanting support for girl power. Pipedreams is right. This marriage is over. It is over. And if Doreto takes her back even of she initiates reconciliation he will regret it

Timbuktuo:


It is jealousy because it's coming from a man, bit if a woman had made that same comment asking another woman to pursue her happiness instead of seeking society's approval, you would have been chanting support for girl power. Pipedreams is right. This marriage is over. It is over. And if Doreto takes her back even of she initiates reconciliation he will regret it

Chaii chaii see anoda jealousy

Timbuktuo:


Hello, sir, I smiled while reading your comment, but I have to disagree on one part which is your last paragraph. Our fathers were dictatorial because that is what women respond to, a man who doesn't give a fûck. You say we are better because we are considerate but look at all the challenges we face at the hands of women today. Shouldn't we be treated with more respect than out fathers were? Isn't that what logic would demand?

Alas, our fathers knew what they were doing, sir. How come today's bad boys get the better girls and the good guys get the worst ones? I say we need to revert to the proper way of doing things, "my way or the highway".

This guy should have moved in another woman the first month after his wife moved out and heard no word from her. Four months with no communication means only one thing, she has been insulting him because she doesn't respect him and doesn't even care for him. We need to be as ruthless as our fathers were.

You've said it all. Nothing else left to add. Cheers mate!

Start sending her text messages daily but dont call yet), expressing your love and how you miss her. This will soften her heart and stance, no matter how far gone she is.

after some days call her, and go for what is yours.

If youre a Christian, ask God to soften her heart.

Let me know how it goes, or if you need more help, message me.

initiate communication and try to turn a leaf from quarreling and arguing , make her believe u have changed and truly change .Get your family to come and apologize and seek reconciliation .

Guy, I'm also separated from my wife and trust me, it's for the best and I no longer want any kind of reconciliation.



My advise; if she did not contact you all that time or make any attempt at reconciliation I'll suggest you ignore her too and move on with your life. If she's interested in the marriage she would have found a way to contact you.




Don't belittle or ridicule yourself cos by reaching out to her you're actually adding feather to her wings. If you feel lonely there are 100s of ladies way better than her out there who just want you to say hi to them


Wake up

Pipedreams:


Why didnt the wife call? She is not submissive and humble. My two cents. OP If u call that lady, her and her family will insult and laugh hard at your silly ass. After all the gra gra na u come beg. This will give her the upper hand to insult you at will in future after all she will say she dey her papa house jejely dey enjoy and na u come disturb am with ur begging. If that woman is ur God given wife 3days will not pass she will call you and be begging and crying even if you were wrong. Men are created to be worshiped by their wives and their ego massaged. she is prideful or shagging another man. ur a man..Men arent weak. Man up boy!!!

It's most likely that the op's wife is getting same advice and that's the reason she has not contacted him

EgunMogaji:


Seriously!

4 months separation and he’s still talking about reconciliation

You guys give men a bad rap with women.

Move on already, use the experience here to make sure that your next relationship is based on solid foundation.

abi ooo. That was exactly what I did. I have blocked her from ever reaching me and now with one sweet babe.

If you have too many or nothing in particular to apologize about...then tell her you were just jealous cos its a woman's world.

Tell her everytime you realise the kids are gonna love her more than you in the end, it scares you...leading to your outbursts.

Then tell her you love her, that you're only scared at times.

Bring her home and give her quality bedtime. Then thank me later.

doreto:
We are presently separated for 4 months with no contact/communication.The separation was not related to trust issues,but miscommunication,insults and the likes,no violence.

While I am in a great place emotionally,I want to attempt to reconcile our relationship.

I need ideas.Is it possible? If it is,has any one here seen a case of reconciliation after a deep marital separation? Please share with me.

Thanks.

The two both of you ahoulr kneel down let me pray for your deliverance.

You said no violence or trust issues and the two of you separated. Please be man enough.

doreto:
Answers to your questions:
We've not communicated since the incidents,I do not know her state of mind in terms of reconciling.I guess I want to discover that as well if I finally implement your ideas.No kids yet,so no need for family support.

I had taken the decision,on my part,not to contact her all this while.Apparently,that feeling was mutual.The separation was a confusing scenario to me and I hoped to understand it better if given time and patience.I believe there were third party movers for it,based on lies against me on her part.

I also advised some who wanted to make peace initially to shelve the ideas while I get the bearing on the issues emotionally.I am there now.

I am thinking - this is really difficult,it's been a painful period for me - that contacting and communicating with her will be the test of whether those ingredients as you mentioned are now present.I haven't talked to any counsellors about the issues or my thoughts yet.

If you are I. A great emotional state and she isn't stretching the olive branch I advice you move on. Women are more emotional than men and if a woman cuts you off emotionally for 4 months she doesnt love you and will walk when it suits her again. If you know you can lice without her, move on. I don't subscribe to the idea of a man walking on egg shells around his wife and vice versa. If she is not making any effort I advise you move on. But you can as well try to reconcile... But while youvarecat it you must be extremely observant. Whatch her dispositions and countenances... You have to be sure she wants it.

Amhappy:


Chaii chaii see anoda jealousy

Lol. You got me, I'm jealous. I'm ashamed

if he doesn't love his wife, will he need to apologize? nawa for 4

Pipedreams:


African mentality...U care about your image to society I doubt you really love ur wife..Fake smiles to the public eyes then die inside the house...shior. I'm sure your from Anambra. Nmayi si

remsonik:
Doreto know one thing that people that are down will always want to bring you down. If you listen to pipedreams he will finish you, he's mad.
Egunmogaji the olosho master too is crazy. So many Mad Men on the streets

Olosho master because we have different opinion?

Strawberry, go report at your corner on Allen, puta

xtervaganza:
abi ooo. That was exactly what I did. I have blocked her from ever reaching me and now with one sweet babe.

Wa sere eyan mi.

With that target rich environment in Nigeria I no blame you

adanny01:


LOL

You have been "Americanized".

It is my believe that Nigerians who are not overly xposed to western marriage do take a lot of shiit from their spouses. We get married and stick to it for better for worst.

Besides, divorce has a stigma over here, people tend to choose marrying a second wife than divorce. A divorcee carries a red flag on the head that alerts other suitors while families consider them weak.

Nothing to do with American actually. I just don’t take bs from women.

Many Nigerians get divorced so no big deal.

ehnkay:

Enough already! give up...... you've been served

Served ko, called in. As usual in your flaccid shattered life, you’re late again.

$2 Lot lizard

***ERROR 1***

Pipedreams:


Ok

two wrongs don't make a right

doreto:
@Pipedreams,let's connect,seeing that we have similar experience.I need to talk with someone who has been there.

It is really hard talking to family members as they know one has been independent since forever.

doreto:
We are presently separated for 4 months with no contact/communication.The separation was not related to trust issues,but miscommunication,insults and the likes,no violence.

While I am in a great place emotionally,I want to attempt to reconcile our relationship.

I need ideas.Is it possible? If it is,has any one here seen a case of reconciliation after a deep marital separation? Please share with me.

Thanks.

How can you get help when you just generalise?
What did you do
And what did she do in return or better what did she say to you that made you say something that hurt her feelings?
Things don’t just happen. Cracks start and they widden so start from the top. Four months is a long time to be upset over something. Pride from both sides does not help.

LotannaAnaekwe:


So 4 months of non communication is enough to state that marriage is over? Una funny o.

Will 1 year be better?

/

xtervaganza:
Guy, I'm also separated from my wife and trust me, it's for the best and I no longer want any kind of reconciliation.



My advise; if she did not contact you all that time or make any attempt at reconciliation I'll suggest you ignore her too and move on with your life. If she's interested in the marriage she would have found a way to contact you.




Don't belittle or ridicule yourself cos by reaching out to her you're actually adding feather to her wings. If you feel lonely there are 100s of ladies way better than her out there who just want you to say hi to them


Wake up

A man trying to make his marriage work is not belittling himself he is trying . Telling him to ignore her and focus on life as a singleton is just reinforcing the notion most have of black men and their habits.

You don’t know what happened between the pair. As for you kudos on your life but what worked for you is not universal. What sort of role model is he for his children? Or does that not matter?