R

crackhaus:

I guess this proves the fact that a lot of women these days marry men who will increase their status in life.

So let's get back to the drawing board, please share with us exactly why your husband would rather invest so much on his daughter than on you.

I wish I had an answer to this question ..I av asked myself this question always

Ladyboobae:
I wish I had an answer to this question ..I av asked myself this question always

Okay then, keep talking to strangers instead of having a conversation with your husband.

Ladyboobae:
I send to my mum and little things at home like,washing soap,polish ,bathing soap,t.p recharge card,my cream,some cloths for myself and my daughter... my daughter fees in #160,000,his mum is a civil servants but he send her money whenever she ask him,he sends his elder brother when he asks,he gives his friends when they need,when his father ask he sends them...his not buiding,i ask him how he spends his money but I never get any response

So he doesn't drop anything for upkeep? Not even money for feeding you and his daughter? Pay utilities? Nothing?

Well, continue to apply for jobs but meanwhile, call family meeting on his head if he doesn't do any of these. If he pays for them, you should be able to put something aside for yourself to at least buy inexpensive cloths. As per the job, may God bless you soon enough.

Your husband knows you have potential and simply does not want to encourage your career growth. Calm down and clear your head. You have options:

1) Where are you from? An oil producing area or? If you are from an oil producing area you can look out for scholarships.

2) Try to find better teaching jobs with higher pay or even HR. These jobs give you time to balance care for your baby and study.

3) Do you have a cooperative around you? Join one and contribute no matter how small. You will end up raising enough money to start a business or pay for your exams. I recommend starting a business.

4) You can start a food business from home. Small catering jobs or selling small things like moi moi, Akara and Zobo. Meat pie sef. All these small and fast snacks sell well. Especially in a school environment.

5) While your husband is away you can do small daycare work at home. Take care of neighbors and friends children for a fee. With this option, be careful with your daughter though.

6) Apply for scholarships and jobs with multinationals. Your chances are higher of securing an opportunity.

7) To learn a skill, if one of your students has a skilled mother, exchange lesson teacher fees for learning the skill. You can also make friends with one of these people and, learn from them.

Sell your expensive jewelry and even wedding ring. Replace it with a fake replica and use it to pay for exams. If it’s gold.

In the meantime, ask friends who have done the exams to please give you their books so you can start familiarizing with the material. So once the money enters, one time you will pass. It will save you money.
Goodluck.

your fault cos u married too early

This is why every woman should have her own money before getting married.I am not surprised at your husband's attitude.That's how most men behave when see finish has entered the picture. He can never explain his finances to you because you don't contribute to the home.

Madam, there are issues you need to take by force in your marriage. Have a conversation with your husband, let him know you are being laughed at for looking shabby.

Either he agrees to giving you upkeep money to take care of your personal needs, or let him give you money to start a business. There are men who don't have a sense of duty, they need to be told what they should do for their wives.

You can't gum mouth, afterall he is your husband. If it means you giving attitude for some days to drive home your annoyance, please do. Every woman should know her husband and how she can get things from her him. Above all, try to figure out what you can fo for yourself. A woman needs her own money for marriage to be sweet ooo. This is 2019, everyone is securing their own bag.

In my case, i had a booming business before getting married. The business expanded after marriage and i make good money off it. Funny thing is, Oga knows i have my own money, but he practically insists on giving me upkeep money monthly and getting me stuffs i don't even ask for. In return, i use my initiative to assist him with paying for some stuffs and projects in the house which he always appreciates.

That's men for you my dear, you are respected more in marriage when you have a lot you can bring to the table. Strive not to be seen as a liability by your husband, start thinking of how to make your own small money my sister.Forget submitting of cvs, work no dey Nigeria.

OP,
Also join women’s groups in church. Preferably attend a big church. You will meet women that can help your career and business.

Tina26:
your fault cos u married too early

Hahahahahahahaha

So tell me, what would change if she was 10 years older in same circumstances?

bukatyne:


Hahahahahahahaha

So tell me, what would change if she was 10 years older in same circumstances?

get a job before marriage. no sane company would want to employ a pregnant or new mum, without prior experience. i had a friend in this same shoes she even had ican and the husband was a banker who used to be moved about. madam could not secure a job as she married during NYSC. while her mates were in KPMG PWC winning awards and travelling around she was in ekiti as an house wife. who could not take care of her sibling. ladies be wise

This is why I always advise women to always get themselves busy before marriage, especially when the man is conservative.

Also, this should've been one of the subjects of discussion with your potential hubby.

Look women! The society doesn't favour you per say, especially your decisions after marriage. This is why you must have salient discussions, and not be in a haste.

I see women not being able to fulfill potentials, just because they're married. OP, your destiny is in your hands and know you're someone's child, whose investment must not go down the drain.

Ladyboobae:
I send to my mum and little things at home like,washing soap,polish ,bathing soap,t.p recharge card,my cream,some cloths for myself and my daughter... my daughter fees in #160,000,his mum is a civil servants but he send her money whenever she ask him,he sends his elder brother when he asks,he gives his friends when they need,when his father ask he sends them...his not buiding,i ask him how he spends his money but I never get any response

You earn 12k/month and are able to
1. Buy toliteries
2. Buy comsetics
3. Buy cheap clothes for yourself and daughter.
4. Send to your mummy

That is interesting from N12k/ mth. You will still transport yourself and buy food or a few things once a while.

The above means your husband is responsible for:
1. Feeding in the home
2. Tuition (school fees, books, uniform, extracurricular activities)
3. House rent
4. Utility (water, security, refuse etc)
5. Electricity
6. Sponsoring his relatives
7. Family vehicle maintenance (if you have)
8. Repairs that would come up frequently
9. His own toliteries, clothing, grooming
10. Etc.

Looking at the list, you will honestly see that your husband handles 97% of the home's expenses which is dependent on where you live and the lifestyle you live. So it is ACTUALLY possible that he is always broke.

I know it is hard to look at it this clinically however you need to appreciate his financial support.

How does he actually dispense the money considering he is not home? Does he give you upkeep money or stock the house?

After that, discuss with him. What model of finances should you adopt? Can you both draw up your expenses and see how best to meet them and prune off the ones not required.

In the light of bills your husband has to handle, allowance for cloth seems frivolous especially as you are also 'working'.

And please, change your friends and enough of people say, people say.

They don't like your clothes, your next birthday they should change your wardrobe.

You will get a job, with enough perseverance. Why not joing the job section, business section on NL and look for opportunities?
You'll be surprised at how helpful this NL forum can be when you search the right places, even though majority of us are just here to catch fun.

Tina26:
get a job before marriage. no sane company would want to employ a pregnant or new mum, without prior experience. i had a friend in this same shoes she even had ican and the husband was a banker who used to be moved about. madam could not secure a job as she married during NYSC. while her mates were in KPMG PWC winning awards and travelling around she was in ekiti as an house wife. who could not take care of her sibling. ladies be wise

My question is if your friend married at 34 under the same circumstances, what would change?

The problem is the circumstance not the age.

Also, it sounds like no planning.

Most Waka husbands keep their families in one base.

bukatyne:


You earn 12k/month and are able to
1. Buy toliteries
2. Buy comsetics
3. Buy cheap clothes for yourself and daughter.
4. Send to your mummy

That is interesting from N12k/ mth. You will still transport yourself and buy food or a few things once a while.

The above means your husband is responsible for:
1. Feeding in the home
2. Tuition (school fees, books, uniform, extracurricular activities)
3. House rent
4. Utility (water, security, refuse etc)
5. Electricity
6. Sponsoring his relatives
7. Family vehicle maintenance (if you have)
8. Repairs that would come up frequently
9. His own toliteries, clothing, grooming
10. Etc.

Looking at the list, you will honestly see that your husband handles 97% of the home's expenses which is dependent on where you live and the lifestyle you live. So it is ACTUALLY possible that he is always broke.

I know it is hard to look at it this clinically however you need to appreciate his financial support.

How does he actually dispense the money considering he is not home? Does he give you upkeep money or stock the house?

After that, discuss with him. What model of finances should you adopt? Can you both draw up your expenses and see how best to meet them and prune off the ones not required.

In the light of bills your husband has to handle, allowance for cloth seems frivolous especially as you are also 'working'.

And please, change your friends and enough of people say, people say.

They don't like your clothes, your next birthday they should change your wardrobe.

If the husband really wanted to help her further her career, he will find a way to cut out the support he’s giving to everyone else and, pay the exam fees. It will even help him in the long run as if she gets a better job, she would be able to take some of those responsibilities off his hands.

How can he be doing big boy all over the place and his wife is earning 12k? He’s so stupid because even oil company jobs are shaky and he can lose that job tomorrow. What will the family survive on? 12k?

baby124:

If the husband really wanted to help her further her career, he will find a way to cut out the support he’s giving to everyone else and, pay the exam fees. It will even help him in the long run as if she gets a better job, she would be able to take some of those responsibilities off his hands.

How can he be doing big boy all over the place and his wife is earning 12k? He’s so stupid because even oil company jobs are shaky and he can lose that job tomorrow. What will the family survive on? 12k?

Except I missed it, no where did the OP claim she requested that her husband help her or he refused to or stopped her from getting a job. I don't think she has discussed the exams or lack of with him.

She's lamented that she has no certification and she has not been getting jobs (maybe due to no certifications).

It might not be out of bigness that he gives his kith and kin. They might be the people who literally made him.

A friend had a brother who put he through school. Unfortunately, his skill set became obselete and today, she is at least sending something to them every month.

I believe if she sees the bigger picture and the plan together, things will take shape.

bukatyne:


Except I missed it, no where did the OP claim she requested that her husband help her or he refused to or stopped her from getting a job. I don't think she has discussed the exams or lack of with him.

She's lamented that she has no certification and she has not been getting jobs (maybe due to no certifications).

It might not be out of bigness that he gives his kith and kin. They might be the people who literally made him.

A friend had a brother who put he through school. Unfortunately, his skill set became obselete and today, she is at least sending something to them every month.

I believe if she sees the bigger picture and the plan together, things will take shape.

OP said she has and he said he’s broke. You don’t give when your own house is not in order. He should sort out his family first. Make sure they are secure.

With that money he should even be focused on making sure they both start a building project. Instead he is killing fires in other people’s houses. If he tells those people he is broke but can only afford a certain amount, they will not kill him. He should be sorting his own affairs at home instead of taking care of everyone else’s problem. Shame.

OP also married a man that can not tell what time it is with her . Sometimes it’s good your husband knows when it’s time to play and time to be serious.

bukatyne:


You earn 12k/month and are able to
1. Buy toliteries
2. Buy comsetics
3. Buy cheap clothes for yourself and daughter.
4. Send to your mummy

That is interesting from N12k/ mth. You will still transport yourself and buy food or a few things once a while.

The above means your husband is responsible for:
1. Feeding in the home
2. Tuition (school fees, books, uniform, extracurricular activities)
3. House rent
4. Utility (water, security, refuse etc)
5. Electricity
6. Sponsoring his relatives
7. Family vehicle maintenance (if you have)
8. Repairs that would come up frequently
9. His own toliteries, clothing, grooming
10. Etc.

Looking at the list, you will honestly see that your husband handles 97% of the home's expenses which is dependent on where you live and the lifestyle you live. So it is ACTUALLY possible that he is always broke.

I know it is hard to look at it this clinically however you need to appreciate his financial support.

How does he actually dispense the money considering he is not home? Does he give you upkeep money or stock the house?

After that, discuss with him. What model of finances should you adopt? Can you both draw up your expenses and see how best to meet them and prune off the ones not required.

In the light of bills your husband has to handle, allowance for cloth seems frivolous especially as you are also 'working'.

And please, change your friends and enough of people say, people say.

They don't like your clothes, your next birthday they should change your wardrobe.

I'm really interested in this.
And babes....I love the valid points you raised.

Ladyboobae:
I wish I had an answer to this question ..I av asked myself this question always

Your husband may be a narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder tend not to care about their wives/husbands' welfare. They are very controlling and lack empathy. It took me almost 20 years to find an answer to why my husband was extremely nice to everyone except me. As others have suggested, look for ways to boost your income and network. Best wishes

Tina26:
your fault cos u married too early

And you know this how?

I think I will leave this section for a while, as much as one can learn alot here, some threads can literally discourage someone from getting married.

bukatyne:


Except I missed it, no where did the OP claim she requested that her husband help her or he refused to or stopped her from getting a job. I don't think she has discussed the exams or lack of with him.

She's lamented that she has no certification and she has not been getting jobs (maybe due to no certifications).

It might not be out of bigness that he gives his kith and kin. They might be the people who literally made him.

A friend had a brother who put he through school. Unfortunately, his skill set became obselete and today, she is at least sending something to them every month.

I believe if she sees the bigger picture and the plan together, things will take shape.

Even if she didn't say it, did you really believe yourself when you said the op has not ask for help from her husband?

There's is no way that man will go broke with what he earns to the point of not having money to give her if he is not deliberate with his action. That man spends 2-3wks at work during which his food and toiletries are catered for by the company. For him to go the mile of putting his daughter in an above average school in their locality shows he will go miles for what he places value on.

It is either op has not said why her hubby treats her so or it is a spell, because in the ordinary situations where things like this play out, the man usually stock the house with enough food, possibly buy wife's clothes, does not allow her work at all and yet doesn't not give her cash. This is a case of my business with you is our child you are your own business.

It seems as though Op wouldn't have been his choice of wife if he had his way. Their child is four already with no sibling unless it is natural delay, it is atypical of a Nigerian man with a job except the OP is responsible otherwise it begs another question of their sex life. I don't think that man sees Op as his wife, he is only still there because of the child.

Rehoboth97:


Your husband may be a narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder tend not to care about their wives/husbands' welfare. They are very controlling and lack empathy. It took me almost 20 years to find an answer to why my husband was extremely nice to everyone except me. As others have suggested, look for ways to boost your income and network. Best wishes

Sorry to ask, was your husband also nice to your kids in terms of their welfare?


Btw, narcissist are not nice to others as well, it is certain class of fools that message their egos by been nice to outsiders while those at home suffers inspite of their abundance.

I don't think you know how much your husband earns monthly. You may have been exaggerating things. Women do this a lot.

GHoJes:

Even if she didn't say it, did you really believe yourself when you said the op has not ask for help from her husband?

There's is no way that man will go broke with what he earns to the point of not having money to give her if he is not deliberate with his action. That man spends 2-3wks at work during which his food and toiletries are catered for by the company. For him to go the mile of putting his daughter in an above average school in their locality shows he will go miles for what he places value on.

It is either op has not said why her hubby treats her so or it is a spell, because in the ordinary situations where things like this play out, the man usually stock the house with enough food, possibly buy wife's clothes, does not allow her work at all and yet doesn't not give her cash. This is a case of my business with you is our child you are your own business.

It seems as though Op wouldn't have been his choice of wife if he had his way. Their child is four already with no sibling unless it is natural delay, it is atypical of a Nigerian man with a job except the OP is responsible otherwise it begs another question of their sex life. I don't think that man sees Op as his wife, he is only still there because of the child.

This is why I asked her if her husband was angry with her

A typically irresponsible husband would lavish money outside and include their daughter in the punishment. Yet he even sent their daughter to an elite school

If its because he wants her to stay at home, he would give her money to discourage her from looking for work or from working for 12K .. even if its just chicken change he would beg her to manage it

I feel they have some issue between them that she doesnt want to explain... allowing your own wife to languish in the house without any particular explanation is a deliberately cruel action

Well she doesnt have to explain it but if she doesnt, then no point bringing the issue here with incomplete information and getting an advice that doesnt even suit what shes going through

The other aspect of it is just to ignore him and find another way of supplementing her income since the man is not interested

[quote author=bukatyne post=83169838]

Except I missed it, no where did the OP claim she requested that her husband help her or he refused to or stopped her from getting a job. I don't think she has discussed the exams or lack of with him.

She's lamented that she has no certification and she has not been getting jobs (maybe due to no certifications).

It might not be out of bigness that he gives his kith and kin. They might be the people who literally made him.

A friend had a brother who put he through school. Unfortunately, his skill set became obselete and today, she is at least sending something to them every month.

I believe if she sees the bigger picture and the plan together, things will take shape.
[/quote I have discuss it with him...ot fell on dead ears

Acidosis:



I don't think you know how much your husband earns monthly. You may have been exaggerating things. Women do this a lot.

that is what he earns...av seen his alert when his salary enters

midnighter:


This is why I asked her if her husband was angry with her

A typically irresponsible husband would lavish money outside and include their daughter in the punishment. Yet he even sent their daughter to an elite school

If its because he wants her to stay at home, he would give her money to discourage her from looking for work or from working for 12K .. even if its just chicken change he would beg her to manage it

I feel they have some issue between them that she doesnt want to explain... allowing your own wife to languish in the house without any particular explanation is a deliberately cruel action

Well she doesnt have to explain it but if she doesnt, then no point bringing the issue here with incomplete information and getting an advice that doesnt even suit what shes going through

The other aspect of it is just to ignore him and find another way of supplementing her income since the man is not interested

if there is an issue,I won't be here at the first place..because I have asked him countless times but he never tells me about any issue with me...I dont have any issue with him...I am confused ,I dont know what is going on ...that's why am here

And we are all certain that the OP is married, right?

I could be wrong but I get the sense the OP is a lady who just wants a job and cooked up this story to whip sentiments.

All she really wants is a job, not all the "call family meeting" advice.

Just my thoughts oh. The story has k-leg, that's why.

I might be wrong.

internationalman:
If you slept with the employers the job would have been your by now.

May God reward your faithfulness with a more suiting and paying job than your husband's..


That's the best revenge you could ever hope for.. He will feel inferior and his self esteem will drop and climb down dat high horse if when he learns that you now not just earn but earn better than him.

That's if what you say about him is true.

it's being said that ...when your think too much and your not getting a reasonable, call another head to reason with you,then there might be a solution...I have cried alot,discussed with my hubby...I wish I know why am being treated like this..I have been a good wife..NEVER cheated on him...a top person in my university has promised me a govt job only if I be his mistress I turned it down....I dont know why am being purnished?is it a sin I committed in my former life....if I had done anything to him won't he tell me....do i deserve this...i dont have anyone to run to....my family can only boast of me as a graduate...i read with hunger ,blood and sweat in my eyes to make my mum proud and even more proud getting married..and it looks like my life are in limbo.....God I know you exist,and you are there...help me ...

piroux:
And we are all certain that the OP is married, right?

I could be wrong but I get the sense the OP is a lady who just wants a job and cooked up this story to whip sentiments.

All she really wants is a job, not all the "call family meeting" advice.

Just my thoughts oh. The story has k-leg, that's why.

I might be wrong.

I also wish it's all a dream that I can wake up from...but my dear this is reality,that I will not wish my enemy to be in..this is what am passing through, so why should I lie about it.. i dont wish you to be in my place ,if it's something to lie about......that's why I decided to pour my heart in a faceless forum like this....where my head can be straightend,cos right now my life is a nightmare to me

GHoJes:

Even if she didn't say it, did you really believe yourself when you said the op has not ask for help from her husband?

There's is no way that man will go broke with what he earns to the point of not having money to give her if he is not deliberate with his action. That man spends 2-3wks at work during which his food and toiletries are catered for by the company. For him to go the mile of putting his daughter in an above average school in their locality shows he will go miles for what he places value on.

It is either op has not said why her hubby treats her so or it is a spell, because in the ordinary situations where things like this play out, the man usually stock the house with enough food, possibly buy wife's clothes, does not allow her work at all and yet doesn't not give her cash. This is a case of my business with you is our child you are your own business.

It seems as though Op wouldn't have been his choice of wife if he had his way. Their child is four already with no sibling unless it is natural delay, it is atypical of a Nigerian man with a job except the OP is responsible otherwise it begs another question of their sex life. I don't think that man sees Op as his wife, he is only still there because of the child.

you made a sticking point here....he doesn't see me as wife,his still with me because of our daughter...he said he doesn't want another child yet...he is the one causing the delay