Hmmm...OP, if all your claims are correct, then you are not in a fruitful venture. Normally, you know what people do with fruitless ventures? They either take the bull by the horns and force it to be fruitful or they simply desert the venture. Its your call...you can't be whining upandan. I wish you success.

I doubt it cos that is typical offshore salary but you may be right in the sense that he gets paid 250k more frequently than 500k

Acidosis:



I don't think you know how much your husband earns monthly. You may have been exaggerating things. Women do this a lot.

Ladyboobae:
he doesn't give me .upkeep,I ask him for upkeep he said his salary is not fixed it fluctuate .but I told him your being paid...at this point he says nothing...he gives me money for cooking...we dont stock food stuff he gives me money to buy food stuff as it finishes from time to time..and I give him breakdowns of what I bought because he is a kitchen person and was the cook for his mum for years before he married...so he is very familiar with kitchen stuffs...I dont collect a dine from there..

wow, this one is serious o.Well, just be praying to God. You don enter am already. This is why my grandma always says "don't say you are lucky until you marry". Marriage to some men is just pointless. E for better make the woman kuku dey her father house dey suffer.

Jmk9292:


I wonder o. Why would a man that earns up-to 300k neglect his own wife to her fate? ..
Unless the wife in question has some dubious aspects of hers' she has not told us..... If the man is free of spell and the woman as good as she states then, she deserves every assistance from the husband... ....
Unless the man has an offshore concubine....

Oh shut up! Not everything is in black and white

Wawu. I actually think he's selfish and that your salvation is not gonna come from him. I couldn't decode ur age from ur op but I think you should apply to the big 4, state parastatals. I also don't know if u live in Bayelsa or in Port Harcourt but its quite difficult getting jobs in both locations.

Now, first things first. I'm always an advocate for keeping your sanity and mental health intact. When your spouse is acting up, it can hurt your self esteem really bad and make you wonder if you are not woman enough to get an upkeep from him. But dont think those thoughts. Be cheerful and think positive.

As per ur friends, na today? Some of them may be jealous of you and even planning to step into your home. You will be surprised the things I've seen happen and also seen from other people's experiences. You owe no one any explanations and how do married women dress biko. I thought dressing like a married woman is now old school. I'm def doing my best not to come across as married though I dress decently.

As per your husband, is it possible that this is how he was brought up? Or something in his past has made him like this? Apart from that is he a good spouse? A good dad? Then try celebrating the good aspects of him. Thank him for the little he does? N speak up but politely - I want to write ICAN. The money is big at once but let's be providing for it small small.

I truly wish you the best.

Ladyboobae:
he doesn't give me .upkeep,I ask him for upkeep he said his salary is not fixed it fluctuate .but I told him your being paid...at this point he says nothing...he gives me money for cooking...we dont stock food stuff he gives me money to buy food stuff as it finishes from time to time..and I give him breakdowns of what I bought because he is a kitchen person and was the cook for his mum for years before he married...so he is very familiar with kitchen stuffs...I dont collect a dine from there..

Ladyboobae:
if God can only pity me and give me a job...I will forever be grateful

Don't worry, you'll soon get a good paying job and in a few years, you might start earning more than your husband. But from what I've observed in life, let me say a few words.

Your husband is not intentionally holding back money from you. It's just the way he was wired.

Don't start being envious of your daughter because she gets more attention from your husband than you. It could cause psychological damages to her in future.

Don't bear grudges on your husband because when you start earning better than him you might not want to help him in any way when he is down

When you start earning better, ensure you save well. Join a contribution, buy lands and build..well, you should know all these.

Ask your husband for money for specific things. I.e rather than saying give me money, say give me money for ICAN exam, give me money to buy a material for sewing, etc

Don't listen to his excuses. Ask for that money until he gives you. Don't let him have peace until he gives you that money. Ask morning, afternoon, and night. He is your husband, it is your right.

Some men are wired like your husband, you just have to think of methods of getting the money.

As for wearing rags, you can buy materials of 1000 and sew. Manage it for now, it will get better.

You can also start a drop shipping business, you don't need capital for this, just an understanding supplier.

Please, for future sake, forgive his stinginess.

Fountainofyouth:
I think I will leave this section for a while, as much as one can learn alot here, some threads can literally discourage someone from getting married.

lol, don't shy away from family section. You need to know the core issues many face in marriage before you enter. That will help you sieve through the qualities you can or can't deal with in a man.

Ladyboobae:
if there is an issue,I won't be here at the first place..because I have asked him countless times but he never tells me about any issue with me...I dont have any issue with him...I am confused ,I dont know what is going on ...that's why am here

Okay... I asked you before and you didnt answer so I thought you were just avoiding the question

I advise you to ignore him for now and focus on finding another way of making money so you wont be suffering... there are some good suggestions here

Maybe when youre in a better position financially you will feel more confident in confronting him and he in turn may respect you more

Hipsofagoddess:


Don't worry, you'll soon get a good paying job and in a few years, you might start earning more than your husband. But from what I've observed in life, let me say a few words.

Your husband is not intentionally holding back money from you. It's just the way he was wired.

Don't start being envious of your daughter because she gets more attention from your husband than you. It could cause psychological damages to her in future.

Don't bear grudges on your husband because when you start earning better than him you might not want to help him in any way when he is down

When you start earning better, ensure you save well. Join a contribution, buy lands and build..well, you should know all these.

Ask your husband for money for specific things. I.e rather than saying give me money, say give me money for ICAN exam, give me money to buy a material for sewing, etc

Don't listen to his excuses. Ask for that money until he gives you. Don't let him have peace until he gives you that money. Ask morning, afternoon, and night. He is your husband, it is your right.

Some men are wired like your husband, you just have to think of methods of getting the money.

As for wearing rags, you can buy materials of 1000 and sew. Manage it for now, it will get better.

You can also start a drop shipping business, you don't need capital for this, just an understanding supplier.

Please, for future sake, forgive his stinginess.

Lol. I don’t think there’s any human on this earth that would be treated like the OP and not hold on to resentment.

Ladyboobae:
In my mother in laws voice and I quote..."you are just a peasant lady,from a wretched home that wants to suck all her sons money and send to my wretched people in the village...so I ask,is it my husband's family I will call to the family meeting or my own people...??

You see? Please just ignore those people and make some money of your own. Sorry dear Get your own money and show them how wretched they themselves are.

baby124:

Lol. I don’t think there’s any human on this earth that would be treated like the OP and not hold on to resentment.

I know, that's why I'm telling her on time. I've seen what it has caused, and the funny thing is that the man in question didn't even know he wronged his wife in the past.

Hipsofagoddess:


I know, that's why I'm telling her on time. I've seen what it has caused, and the funny thing is that the man in question didn't even know he wronged his wife in the past.

Oh they know. They just don’t think her needs are important. When life now humbles them, they will lie that it’s jazz or they didn’t know. When he’s not off his senses. She has sha told him many times that she needs the money and for what. 4yrs of unfulfilled dreams and he’s watching her suffer. Seems like a sadistic fellow.

All he wanted is someone to give birth and raise his children. A career for her will hinder his desire of that. It’s quite a sad situation really. If I was her and I get hold of his phone, fiam, I will log in to his bank and pay the ICAN fee myself. Rubbish. Let him get me arrested for paying his wife’s exam fee Na.

baby124:

Oh they know. They just don’t think her needs are important. When life now humbles them, they will lie that it’s jazz or they didn’t know. When he’s not off his senses. She has sha told him many times that she needs the money and for what. 4yrs of unfulfilled dreams and he’s watching her suffer. Seems like a sadistic fellow.

All he wanted is someone to give birth and raise his children. A career for her will hinder his desire of that. It’s quite a sad situation really. If I was her and I get hold of his phone, fiam, I will log in to his bank and pay the ICAN fee myself. Rubbish. Let him get me arrested for paying his wife’s exam fee Na.

Not that they didn't know they were not giving the wife money, but they didn't know it was hurting her. It was like a way of life to them. Take care of the kids, provide the basics for the home, and save the rest for rainy days. It is just the way some are wired. But then, I might be wrong about her case.

Hipsofagoddess:


Not that they didn't know they were not giving the wife money, but they didn't know it was hurting her. It was like a way of life to them. Take care of the kids, provide the basics for the home, and save the rest for rainy days. It is just the way some are wired. But then, I might be wrong about her case.

We women are quite emotional and our husbands know when we are hurt by something. They are told in no uncertain terms. Personally, no man can claim they do not know when they are treating their woman badly. They do know. Men are human too you know? They have the same desires as women.

Don’t make excuses for men, we have got to hold our men accountable for their actions. This is a man that is old enough to work and produce sperm to create a child. He’s not that stupid. He’s also able to feel the hurt of outsiders in need of money but, can’t sense when his wife needs money? Such men do it on purpose because they do not want an empowered wife. It’s a form of financial abuse because, this woman obviously did not agree to marry him under these circumstances.

baby124:

We women are quite emotional and our husbands know when we are hurt by something. They are told in no uncertain terms. Personally, no man can claim they do not know when they are treating their woman badly. They do know. Men are human too you know? They have the same desires as women.

Don’t make excuses for men, we have got to hold our men accountable for their actions. This is a man that is old enough to work and produce sperm to create a child. He’s not that stupid. He’s also able to feel the hurt of outsiders in need of money but, can’t sense when his wife needs money? Such men do it on purpose because they do not want an empowered wife. It’s a form of financial abuse because, this woman obviously did not agree to marry him under these circumstances.

My dear, there are so many ways you hurt people even your own husband and children that you will never know unless they tell you and point out the specific times you hurt them. You will even see people castigating others for the very same thing they do.

What I told the op is from something I witnessed personally. The husband was even saying "Perhaps if I had a girl friend before marriage I would have known how to take care of my wife."

That is why when someone who is very close to me hurts me, I tell them immediately because they might not know.

Hipsofagoddess:


My dear, there are so many ways you hurt people even your own husband and children that you will never know unless they tell you and point out the specific times you hurt them. You will even see people castigating others for the very same thing they do.

What I told the op is from something I witnessed personally. The husband was even saying perhaps if I had a girl friend before marriage I would have known how to take care of my wife.

That is why when someone who is very close to me hurts me, I tell them immediately because they might not know.

Well that’s your story. It’s applicable if they are not told. But when they are told they can no longer claim ignorance. Most people who have tried to do bad to me later came to confess and, beg for forgiveness. I absolutely do not believe people do things in ignorance. As long as they know right from wrong, they know exactly what they are doing. They only hope that they will be able to get away with it.

baby124:

Well that’s your story. It’s applicable if they are not told. But when they are told they can no longer claim ignorance. Most people who have tried to do bad to me later came to confess and, beg for forgiveness. I absolutely do not believe people do things in ignorance. As long as they know right from wrong, they know exactly what they are doing. They only hope that they will be able to get away with it.

Think about your past and the things you did, compare it with your present. Would you have done things you did in the past with your present awareness?

your hubby probably has a slay queen he is spending his money on

bukatyne:


What kind of yeye advise is this?

She should mortgage her daughter's future so she doesn't wear rags aka reigning clothes? Clothes that fade in months max years if it is still stylish?

Did she ask husband for school fees and he said he couldn't afford it?

@OP: don't even think about this.

same way the op's mother wore rag and gave her a bright future...smh life funny sha. Personally i dont believe in attending expensive secondary schools in nigeria, from my experience the only benefit you get attending those expensive secondary schools is meeting children from elite families.

Hipsofagoddess:


Think about your past and the things you did, compare it with your present. Would you have done things you did in the past with your present awareness?

If I did the things in the past with awareness and not in ignorance then, I am at peace with those decisions and their repercussions. This is not the point though.

The fact is the husband is aware and chooses purposely to do nothing about it. Which is very bad and can not be excused. How she chooses to pay him back when she gets on her feet is entirely up to her. She’s entitled to it too.

Fountainofyouth:
I think I will leave this section for a while, as much as one can learn alot here, some threads can literally discourage someone from getting married.

oh lawd. Scared much huh

Ladyboobae:
it's being said that ...when your think too much and your not getting a reasonable, call another head to reason with you,then there might be a solution...I have cried alot,discussed with my hubby...I wish I know why am being treated like this..I have been a good wife..NEVER cheated on him...a top person in my university has promised me a govt job only if I be his mistress I turned it down....I dont know why am being purnished?is it a sin I committed in my former life....if I had done anything to him won't he tell me....do i deserve this...i dont have anyone to run to....my family can only boast of me as a graduate...i read with hunger ,blood and sweat in my eyes to make my mum proud and even more proud getting married..and it looks like my life are in limbo.....God I know you exist,and you are there...help me ...

You said you have a four years old daughter but married in 2016 meaning you had your child before marriage
If your family truly went through hell to put you through school and then you went and foolishly got yourself knocked up, rushed in to marriage as opposed to finding your feet in life via a career path then you had this coming. Your husband will never invest on you because he does not want other men to look at you when hes gone.

You have to compromise something to get what you want at this point. What would you compromise and will it be worth it? Your call.

Rehoboth97:


Your husband may be a narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder tend not to care about their wives/husbands' welfare. They are very controlling and lack empathy. It took me almost 20 years to find an answer to why my husband was extremely nice to everyone except me. As others have suggested, look for ways to boost your income and network. Best wishes

It is because he got tired of you, no narcissism detected!

ruggedtimi:
same way the op's mother wore rag and gave her a bright future...smh life funny sha. Personally i dont believe in attending expensive secondary schools in nigeria, from my experience the only benefit you get attending those expensive secondary schools is meeting children from elite families.

And how does meeting them help? If that's the only benefit you see in attending/putting your ward through an expensive secondary school, then you'll be better off sending then to (at least) an above-average school so you get a peace of mind.

ruggedtimi:
same way the op's mother wore rag and gave her a bright future...smh life funny sha. Personally i dont believe in attending expensive secondary schools in nigeria, from my experience the only benefit you get attending those expensive secondary schools is meeting children from elite families.

i genuinely feel like the teaching and exposure is better, at least in some of those schools. but if you dont attend one, it is not the end of the world.

Yeah but before you get to exams. You have to pay for registration, then exemption and some form of lectures before you get to exams.

baby124:
I just looked at the ICAN fee schedule and it looks like the whole thing for all the exams is 208,750 Naira or am I seeing double or not reading correctly.

Madam I salute your patience and love o for this amount of money, considering what your husband earns. Because local woman can never can biko . Chai! Abeg let me run away from this thread before I start teaching unarmed robbery . Is this not the ICAN fee schedule? Correct me if I am wrong please:

Gloriagee:
Yeah but before you get to exams. You have to pay for registration, then exemption and some form of lectures before you get to exams.

Na wa o. The exemptions are less than the fee for the full level of papers, correct? OP needs to apply and pay for registration, since it’s only 300. She can figure out how she will raise the rest.

If you don’t have a good paying job /money

Don’t accept any proposal from a man or go into marriage ...you people won’t hear! This will be the result

Ican is one of the richest professional bodies n u can take this statement to the bank. After chartering sef, u pay to be inducted. Then annual fees ati other levies.

But it'll help her eligibility for jobs.

baby124:

Na wa o. The exemptions are less than the fee for the full level of papers, correct? OP needs to apply and pay for registration, since it’s only 300. She can figure out how she will raise the rest.

Plead:
If you don’t have a good paying job /money

Don’t accept any proposal from a man or go into marriage ...you people won’t hear! This will be the result

This logic won't work for everyone. Some women are in Lagos (a land with reasonable jobs/opportunities) dating men in Bayelsa. If this category of women decide to go on with marriage and, of course, relocate to build a family, majority of them will remain jobless for life.

OP's major problem is her current location - Bayelsa. Majority of graduates in many of these states are jobless and largely underpaid. There are no opportunities and most of the time, even places like PH are overrated.

Her current location and marital status is why she hasn't gotten even a call or invite. It has nothing to do with ICAN or connection. If she sends her CV to firm in Lagos for instance, no employer would give her a call because she's only going to waste their time.

Acidosis:


This logic won't work for everyone. Some women are in Lagos (a land with reasonable jobs/opportunities) dating men in Bayelsa. If this category of women decide to go on with marriage and, of course, relocate to build a family, majority of them will remain jobless for life.

OP's major problem is her current location - Bayelsa. Majority of graduates in many of these states are jobless and largely underpaid. There are no opportunities and most of the time, even places like PH are overrated.

Her current location and marital status is why she hasn't gotten even a call or invite.

When they know such things why still move to bayelsa?

The stupid things people do for love later they’ll come to nairaland and start complaining

Plead:



When they know such things why still move to bayelsa?

The stupid things people do for love later they’ll come to nairaland and start complaining

It's not a stupid decision to desire a family. I think she's just unlucky to have a selfish man. A reasonable man with a decent job and income would have supported her in many ways. A woman can be "jobless" yet fulfilled. That's how it's originally planned. Failed men like this is why everyone is standing up against men today. It's the same reason we have several calls for gender equality, feminism, and the rest.

This man has failed in his role. A woman's true fulfilment is not in the kind of hard life and struggles men go through daily. A woman is supposed to make her family her number one priority and that's what she's done. I can't blame her for doing what's right.