samphrank: If you spend a lot of time on Twitter, you would have bumped into one of these ten characters. You just have to. They are everywhere!!

1) The Cool Kids- Twitter is just like secondary school and in every secondary school (including public ones) there are always these cool kids who believe they are better than everyone else. They will forcefully let you know why KFC in Atlanta is better than the ones in Lagos. They wake up one morning and determine what should be said and not be said on Twitter. The cool kids on Nigerian Twitter will let you know they are better than you regular folks and that they have been around the world, twice with no visas.

If a new phone or app is out, they tweet about it first and rant about it till something else pops up. They go on about how this phone is better than that phone and how they find Elegushi Beach disgusting and pedestrian. Cool kids are mean and they never hesitate to insult anyone on Twitter who they feel isn’t as fab as them. Unfortunately they have a lot of followers because just like in secondary school everyone wants to be in their cool book.

2) The Enlightened Ones- The enlightened ones are always the first to retweet a ‘breaking news’ tweet or shed more info on a particular topic whether you asked for it or not. They are never shy in letting you know they are brilliant. Some of them might even go as far as instagramming their WAEC results.

They are the nerds of Twitter and no matter how hot a gadget or phone is they are quick to let you know its fault. Nothing ever pleases them. If you have a movie you are dying to watch, don’t go through their tweets, they will ruin the movie for you with their over-analysis and criticism. They see ‘Avengers’ and ‘Avatar’ as boring flicks. They find a fault in everything and everyone except themselves. They tweet too much. Most of them are really on a lot of people’s mute list.

3) Models-Now we are not talking about real models. Real models exist on Twitter. We are talking about the fake models who put up a picture of themselves on Instagram and tag it #nofilter plus forty other irrelevant tags. Throughout the day their timeline is filled with instagrammed pictures of different pouts and postures.

You don’t want to know what happens when they ‘finally’ take a picture with a celeb. They won’t stop gushing about it all day. They are at every event and party. They will post it on all their social networks including Hi 5. Somehow they never put up a picture of them actually ‘modelling’ or strutting on the runway. Maybe their type of modelling isn’t mainstream yet. God knows how they can afford those big bags and expensive phones. Are you pondering what we are pondering?

4) Twitter Celebs- Twitter celebs are people who basically tweet crap from morning to night. They generate irrelevant tweets that force you to respond like “80 percent of female bankers in Nigeria are prostitutes” Therein lies the trick. Once you respond you are making them popular which undoubtedly gives them more followers. Then comes the second phase.

These twitter celebs have an ‘epiphany’ on how they can use the large numbers of followers they have to make money for themselves. They suddenly morph into artiste managers/PR persons/online hype machines/guidance and relationship counselors and what have you. They can be quiet drab to follow unless they get involved in a twit fight.

5) Haters- SMH…haters are the scum of Twitter. They see nothing good in what people do. They solely exist in taking people down, famous people especially. If Genevieve has a new car they tweet about her not having a man. When Toolz conducts a new interview, they make fun about her size. When Sina Rambo drops a song they abuse him and his father. They are very bitter and insecure people whose only joy comes from insulting relevant people.

Ironically they haven’t achieved anything. Some of them even beg for money to pay for their BIS which they would later end up using to insult people online. How pathetic.

6) Struggle Artistes- OMG. Where do we begin? Twitter undoubtedly is great tool for networking. It has helped to kick start the careers of many artistes so far. Unfortunately some many have abused this. (Struggle) artistes hound you with links to their songs that you honestly want to sue them for stalking you.

Apart from clogging Twitter with their download links, they gush about how they are better than established acts and how their next song will be the smash hit of the year. Somehow it never is. They complain more about the ‘evil’ Nigerian music industry than recording and doing something productive.

7) Googlers- They are like zombies. They don’t have original tweets of theirs. They go to google and copy corny motivational quotes and sappy love quotes. Then they go ahead to bore you with these crappy tweets. If there is a fire inside their house, they will keep tweeting quotes from The Notebook. Pathetic. They lack imagination.

Spammers- A weird lot. They have no avatar and have no bio. Yet they insist on having awkward conversations with you on Twitter like “what are you doing?”, “when are you going out?”, “I can see you” etc. They have like 2-3 followers and are weirdly attracted to you for some creepy reason. We think some of them might be serial killers or actually disturbed people.

9) Stans- Stans as the name implies are over eager fans. They are the Ms. Ikpeba, Ms. Davido and whatever. They shamelessly throw themselves at celebs who continue to ignore them. They even go as far as imagining being married to these celebs. Don’t get it twisted, guys fall into this thirsty category too.

Whenever their beloved star is in some sort of scandal, they take on his/her case on Twitter, insulting and even threatening people. Whenever a new song wants to drop from their mini-god(dess) they will go on about it for days. They are however very fickle. Once a new star comes up, they change sides, for example don’t be surprised to find a Ms. Emenike on Twitter. Search right now and you will be shocked.

10) Runs Girls- Coughs. Guys, don’t act like you don’t know them. They are not Odina Barbie or Kate 2 Balls- these are weirdos on Twitter who tweet about their ratchet sex lives. Runs girls on Twitter have the most colourful names like ‘Ms. Honeyberry Toh Badt For Life’. They represent all teams in their bios, #TeamBankyW #TeamWizkid #TeamDBanj #TeamDonJazzy #TeamUtd #TeamArsenal + #TeamJesus. Runs girls love Jesus. Well ideally a good runs girl should rep all teams. Wink

They have the best (photo-shopped) avatars which they use to advertise their ‘goods’ by showing off an ample size of cleavage or ass (or both!). They also tweet sexually suggestive pictures and write ‘I’m bored’ or ‘who likes the wall behind me?’ or ‘look at my mirror’. Don’t get it twisted they are seeking for customers attention. Just head straight to their DM and set the P. Make sure that as a guy your avi is on point and your bio oozes wealth. If you are a broke ass they will insult you. If you are sure of yourself set the P. Once the P, has been knacked don’t forget to give them ‘thanks for coming money’. Remember they are not runs girls, they are just hustlers. (yeah right).

So you reading this, which category do you fall into?

samphrank: Chris Brown and Rihanna were at a club in Hollywood partying and Karrauche showed up with a guy on her arm. Rihanna left and 10 mins later, Chris followed with a watery eye which seems like he was holding back the tears… Ehya!! I think the nigga is confused**

Picture of Chris Brown crying when you continue: