@ CHAIRCOVER that's what people with no argument do, go and take single statements and leave out the whole picture. I never said I was proud to have left my relationships. I basically said I left because I refused to subject my children to anything less than a happy family.

I never encouraged abortion, in fact I said I was against it.

I never encouraged single motherhood however I will not condom it because it can happen to anyone. Who am I to judge? Who are you to judge for that matter?

I have never praised myself for walking away from bad relationships, only stated the fact involved in my case. You have not UNCOVERED anything about me because you have never been in my life and Know no facts regarding my situation.

I still stand by the fact that you are goInga on assumption. ASS-U-ME ing you have a handle on my life based on the limited info I posted on this board.

If you dint have time to trade words with me then why not go on about your business and STAY OUT of mine? We will obviously never agree on this and frankly I do NOT have to agree with you about my life.

@ Justgood, let us just agree to disagree, I woult never marry someone like you and you would never marry someone like me! I wont discuss my life with you any longer since it is pointless becuase you do not know me and I do not know you. However watch out becuase I would hate to have to cast my evil spell on you and have you turn evil too! You know thats what single mothers do!

And second of all @ CHAIRCOVER were you my husband? Did I say my vows with you? You speak with no facts about what you are saying yet you want it to be taken seriously! I did not blame either husband just stated the facts of what went on in my marriage. But let me ask you this. Do you know my inner self? Have you ever met me beyond this message board? On what factual evidence can you say that I was a "GENERAL" in my marriage? NONE!

I have never come on this board ranting and raving using bad language or degrading insults to get my point across. I always try to back up what I say with facts and common sense but here you are again trying to run your mouth about my life when you have no idea. Who is the woman here? Who is the one that has carried herself with class all the way through? And you want to use the word stupid in another post because I married a man who lied to me? SO I guess no man has ever lied to you and you have never loved? I better end this here because the more I try to be civil with you the angrier I get and I refuse to stoop to YOUR level!

Oh so the two of you find my posts in another thread and come here to talk rubbish. For both of your information my husband did NOT leave me. I left them! Get your facts straight before you go running around speaking without merit.

Neither of you know me nor were around in my life for either of my marriages, yet becuase I stood up on behalf of another poster you want to go around trying to belittle me on a message board. I work on my computer so I am able to see what is going on throughout the day but what is your exscuse? Please both of you get a life and stop trying to decode mine becuase neither of you have a clue as to what your talking about!

Lol at watchmen! Next time I will just have to use my alias. I am good thanx for asking and yourself?

@ JUSTGOOD this has obviously gone beyond a difference in opinion and I dont need to argue what kind of woman I am with you, so please go somewhere and calm down because surely my life cannot be that important to you! Take Care

I thought I could sneak in and post and sneak out. Good morning, afternoon, evening, Agaba.

@JUSTGOOD I am glad you were a fly on the wall in my marriages and you were able to see what went on in MY home. I still stand by what I said in that I was a good wife and I am a good mother. If it was me with the problem then why did my first husband beg me to stay and even till this day 5 years after I left would he still take me back? And I promise you those were his words. My second husband is in the same shoes but I do not believe his intentions are for truth so I wont even begin to count him in that.

I have always looked at myself. If I did not how could I come on this board and say somthing unfair, realize it, and apologize for it. I am not above reproach but again I say to you, if you dont know what your talking about please shut up, for you again are basing your comments on YOUR feelings and not facts.

I am not sure you could handle me remember I am full blooded Akata!

@ Chaircover I was not referring to Nigerian marriages I was referring to women all over the world who may marry someone that turns out to be a bad mate. My first husband was a good man in the beginning however he later became a heavy drinker and then the abuse came. You can hardly say I made a poor choice in this case as it was not my choice but his to later on abuse alcohol. In my second marriage I was introduced through a very good friend and dated the man for 2 years before we married. I was unaware of his true self as he kept that hidden from me. You could say I was duped in this case but I still fail to see how this was my fault. I had contemplated staying with him but that was only because of the religion I now practice. I forgave him once only for the sake of our child but I am not with him now and it was me who walked away and has not been back. Even during the time I have contemplated keeping the marriage I was not in conact with him even though he tried to contact me. I have carried on with my life and I am successfully caring for my children alone. So I dint believe it is fair to question my intelligence in any way shape or form. If I was not smart how could I have accomplished that.

And to the comment I made about abortion, I was not saying ALL women have kept from becoming a single mother through abortion. I was only saying alto of women make use of it and if there was an availability of statistics in other countries regarding the matter then you may be shocked to see the number of women that utilize this method of "birth control ". We already know the United States has a high rate of abortion but that is because there is virtually no stigma against it and in fact it unfortunately is almost glorified as a woman's right. However I know that Americans are not the only ones having sex and certainly not the only ones having unprotected sex. As I said before I believe it is the negative stigma of unwed motherhood, abortion, and divorce that keeps the true numbers from surfacing in other countries.

@ agaba I love Nigerians and all humans who are kind, understanding, and humane. However no matter who it is, I hate cruelty, prejudice, and bigotry, amongst other things. In all my posts I have never bashed Nigerians. I have never bashed anyone except those who I felt were treating others unfairly. I even spoke out against an African American woman on the boards who was basically bragging that her married Nigerian man had left his wife and was now having a baby with her. So please dint label me a NIGERIAN BASHER just because I have spoke out against this ladies comment. She could have been my sister for all I am concerned and I would still say the same thing.

@ Just good you are obviously trying to support your sisters. Good, I wish we as African Americans supported each other more. However please do not try to insult me. You will get no where. I love to debate and going back and forth is fine with me as long as you dint try to insult me or my intelligence. I was stating a fact. To call someone insane and throw salt in their face after they have already done it themselves is something that was uncalled for. I apologized to the young lady for the comment I made regarding her and abortion but I see that everyone here is above even GOD. Not here on the boards but here in this thread. I have met many wonderful people on this board and have many wonderful Nigerian friends. I do not have anything against anyone except those who persist on treating others with prejudice and disdain. Some posters posted positive suggestions and thoughts however some were obviously only offering spit to this woman's wound. Why is it that no one can say anything about that but can try and gang up on the non Nigerians. If I had posted as a Nigerian I am sure I would have some backing me up, but because you see I am not you think you must "prove me wrong" because I have chosen to stand up in my beliefs to one of your countrymen. It is a shame that you are the ones in this thread that are proving to be closed minded and "daft"

@ CHAIRCOVER. I was not duped by three Nigerian men where did you get that info. I was married to two men who turned out not to be who "they" said they were. Has that not happened to women of all races. It seems to me that the stigma placed on divorce in other countries keeps most of these women bound to a unhappy and bitter marriage. I chose to leave. And yes you can call me intelligent because intelligence is not based on who you choose to love. That is a matter of the heart which can often times be treacherous.

Show me where one of my posts has been unintelligent and has bashed any Nigerian. You cannot base anything you said on fact and have sunken to a level of trying to squander me in the mud with insults that have no merit nor backing. I am very intelligent and even though I am a single mother I am successful with my own business and paying my own bills. And you say I seem conceited? Well I am . I am proud of myself and my children and would never hide in shame from anyone. I can openly tell my story because I am not ashamed. I was a good wife and a very good mother. I am not bragging but stating the facts.

I have attempted to apologize where I was wrong but stood by my initial response in that the comment the one lady poster made was rude. I still stand by that. Now I am asking you, what do you know about me? Nothing! When you want to post something about me based on what I have written on this board at least make sure it is correct and you have all the facts.

Agbada you made an assumption and you were very very wrong. I am not Jamaican, I do not hate Nigerians in fact my duaghter is half Nigerian. Most of my friends are African of differant Nationalities and I dont want to "vent" anything on this board.

I am not angry nor bitter about anything except injustice, bigotry, and prejudice. I am a very humane person and I hate when I encounter ignorance, whether it is from a Nigerian, African American (which I am ) Spaniard, White, Asian ect,

I wish people would try to be sensative to others and to feel more for their fellow man and when I encounter otherwise it really bothers me. I am not perfect nor trying to portray myself as such however I think many more people could stand to take a look at themselves before they go around pointing out the shortcomings of others.

And to another poster who asked why I insulted the other poster I will say I apologize for the insult regarding abortion. I do not know if she agrees with abortion or not. Being that I do not I assumed by her post that she did and I should not have done that. At the same token how would she feel if she came here upset and confused and asked for advice only to have someone mock how she was left alone to raise children on her own and then called insane! Stick up for your own if you must but I dont care which way you slice it, it was a rotten thing to say to the lady .

LOL @ osisi!!! U r so right!

I meant to type dignified

No in fact you are in worse shoes becuase of your the high pony you have put yourself on. It is people that can "never do something" that end up doing it 3 times over. I'd like to know your secret to being perfect becuase the whole world needs it.

And by the way I was refering to your comment about her man leaving alone with two kids and her being insane. I never said you condemed her but your comment was still without taste. And your probably right, you wouldnt be in her sistuation becuase I forgot abortion in your mind is probably digified.

I have to respond because I get so offended by these kinds of threads.

My story is this I had on child out of wedlock but was in the relationship for a long while with the man. He said he loved me and wanted us to be together for life but he started seeing other people on the side. I didn't want to put up with the behavior so I broke it off only to find out I was pregnant afterwards.

I stayed a single mom till my daughter was two years old. I met someone we dated for almost a year and we finally married. I had a son but after my son was born my husband became abusive. I did not want my children in this environment and I divorced. Again I stayed single until my son was three years old and I met someone who lived overseas through a good friend of mine and we dated for 2 years. We finally got married and had a son. My current husband turned out to be a total liar and schemer and now I am headed for divorce again.

My first husband was good at first but later started hanging with the wrong kinds of people and smoking weed and being abusive. My second husband was a liar and a con. I have not slept around. I have never had one abortion in my life and I was a good wife and mother who always tried to be supportive of my husband and am supportive of my children. I have my own business although some days its good and other days not so but I am trying and I support my children well. Everything I have goes first to them and I get for myself when I can. I am not bragging but asking everyone here that had something negative to say about single mothrs, WHAT OF MY OWN?

If I never meet anyone I am prepared for raising my children alone but why should I be condemned for being a good woman who unfortunately met not so good men. I didn't rush into marriage with them and I was not pregnant when we got married so it was not a marriage of force. But why should I still be looked down upon just because I have children. Wont their fathers go on and marry again and have relationships? If i being single the rest of my life should be my fate then shouldn't whats good for the goose be good for the gander?

I just read IFA's response and that was uncalled for. I can only hope that one day you are not in this womans shoes. Remember GOD sees ALL things. He loves us ALL even those of us that make choices that are not the best. But remember that he also allows things to happen to us as a reminder of our place as humans. Watch what you say to others and try to be more humane and understanding than judgemental and superior. If God was that way we would all be dead and I know you are not holier than him.

I am not trying to get into it with you I am just trying to get you to be a little more "open minded"

Why when many rspond on this board is it always th womans fualt?

It is always, "th woman should stop making babies", or "if you kept your legs closed". I commend this sister that she did not take the easy way out and abort her children. What is more shamefull, getting pregnant 6 times and killing each one for the sake of status and future, or getting pregnant 4 times but being decent enough to give the children a chance to have a life.

However what really discusts me is how men but mainly WOMEN will be the first ones to down the woman over having babies out of wedlock but last I knew it took two people to make a baby. The woman is the one stuck to raise the children alone. How is she bad for making the right choice but the man right for making two babies with her but leaving her and his children behind to grow without a father!

We women do make bad choices when it comes to men alot of times but if you ask me, who in this imperfect world does not make bad choices. Some are longer lasting than others but do any of YOU have to live with her choices.

She came on this board asking for what to do about her man not taking care of her kids, not to be so harshly judged.

Thanks for the advice however some of your assumptions were wrong. First when we met and communicated he "seemed" wonderful. I did discover a few white lies before we married but decided they were not that serious. I now look back and think I should have really paid attention to them but I take it as a lesson learned on that one.

Now as far as being pregnant before marriage that is not right. We were already married before I got pregnant. I did not lay down with this man get pregnant and decide to get married. I was his wife and had been for months before I got pregnant.

Also this totally is about my feelings for God and not this man. I can tell you in all honesty I do not love this man any longer. I don't respect him at all but my religion is against divorce. I have read in the scriptures that God hates a divorce and that is my inner struggle. Everyday I want to divorce this man as I know he will not change, however I then begin to feel guilty based on the fact that I want to be right in Gods eyes.

I am a wonderful mother and I know that. My focus has been on my daughter ever since she was born and will continue to be so. I have been her mother and her father and I will continue that as well. Trust me I am not chasing this man. In fact he was the one begging me back. I know it is due to money but even if it wasn't his character has proved to be that of which I don't want myself or my daughter around.

I thank you again for for giving me a mans point of view on the matter. My family agrees with my opinion but they are all women. It helps me to see that a man has said the same thing as well. Thanks again and no hard feelings

Please forgive the errors in spelling and grammar, it is late here and I am tired but cant sleep.

I am in the same boat and do not know what to do either.

My husband and I met but lived in seperate countries and spent most of our relationship through email, letters, and phone calls. He finally went back to Naija and we married there. I lived with him there but during that time I found out about alot of lies he told me and his family. I also saw a side of him that was trully disturbing to me. He was extremely selfish and I found myself taking care of the family financially than he did. When I became pregant I decided to go home and before I left he didnt even want t inform his family I was pregnant. I was close to them and loved them so I told them and they were all excited.

After some other serious issues there with him I came home and told him I wasnt coming back due to his lies and other behavior. He got mad and began to tell his family and mine serious lies about me. I stopped talking to him for over a year but got in contact with him again to inform him of his duaghter. He admitted the lies he told and begged for forgiveness and due to the fact I was trying to do the right thing by God and not divorce I gave him another chance. But even from the beggining I started to notice problems like him not calling becuase he said it was cheaper for me and he never sent his child or me any money for her care. He sent cloths but thats all. He complained of money problems but in the close to two years of him not taking care of anyone but self you would think he would have somthing to help with our family. He alsways had excuses and I felt bitter due to the fact that yet again I was caring for our family on my own. The last straw came when he paid a big amount of money for a business venture but would not send $300 to help with some expenses I had to take care of desperately. Now mind you I had the money but I was mainly testing his love of myself and his duaghter.

He has failed miserably as a father and a husband. He does not write to me about his child and when he called last it was about me sending money to pay back a family member and he nly talked about his duaghter after the fact.

He swears up and down he loves me but I dont feel that this is a man in love by his actions. I want to divorce him but in the back of my mind I always ask if this is the right thing for my duaghter and what God wants. I know God haes divorce but I wonder would he wan me to stay in a marriage with a man I have no respect for and a man that I cannot trust nor trust the intentions regarding the welfare of my duaghter. Please give me your thoughts on tis.

I will do the old fashioned thing. Have me or my husband remove the belt and strike their already nude fannies. The embarresment alone will hopefully deter her from doing it again.

On a serious note, I will tell the man to get out while knocking him on the head on the way out then sit down and have a long talk with my duaghter. I will tell her I understand how her emotions are strong and hard to control but I will tell her that now is not the time for that in her life and that even though I am dissapointed in her choice I am human too and have made mistakes but I will not allow for a second mistake of this calliber in my home again. She will not have the same freedoms and trust that she had from me before and she will know it becuase I will be keeping track of her like she is my right hand and the some of the things she did before she will no be free to do again without my supervision and investigation.

Sounds strict but the way the world is now you must be strict otherwise you will end up like the Palins. Too many parents try to be friends with their children instead of parents first. They will allow their 12 year old to have a boyfriend and go on movie "dates" here in the States. That is foolish nonsense and that is why there is so much drugs and sex among the underage. I allow my duaghter to talk with me about anything and express her feelings but I always remind her of her moral and emotional obligation to herself first. I remind her that even though it is normal to want to have boys like you now is not the time to want a relationship. The most important relationship she can work on now is that with herself.If more parents stressed the importance of dating being a path to marriage and not just a form of recreation then we wouldnt have such a decline in moral standards amongst youths.

You can never know for sure. People in this day and age change who they love like they change their underwear. That is why even though it is hard it is always best to wait a long while before you allow a man to sleep with you. Tell them "you can have me when you are ready to keep me"

Men will deny this but the truth is any man that is truly into a woman and has true intentions from the start will not leave a woman just becuase she wont bed them. In fact it will increase his admiration over time and allow for true feelings to develop that will not be overshadowed by lust. Also the chase will keep him inerested and if not there are plenty out there find the one that will accept your limitations.

I know this is hard but the truth is if you want to give all of yourself to a man before he has proposed and taken you to the alter then there is NO guarantee that he is truly into you and if he does lose interest in the end isnt it better to know he walked out the door with his pride alone and not yours.

The best revenge is to get over him and have a wonderfully happy life. What goes around comes around and trust me he will get his payback. Although you may never see it with your own eyes, he will get his payback in one way or the other.

Sitting around and seeking out revenge only makes moving on harder for you and leaves you bitter and angry with emotional baggage that you will carry with you from this relationship to the next. Get out there and meet someone new. In fact meet 4 new people. Go out on dates with them even if you think you will only like them as a friend. Dont sleep with any of them just go out and have a nice time and let them help you get back some of the self esteem you will have lost from this prior relationship.

Trust me, it will be hard at first but you sound like you have put alot of physical and emotional energy into this man and now it is time to take care of yourself. And for the future, there is nothing wrong with showing someone you love them and doing things for them but next time let the man do the proving and the wooing. Show him a little of your devotion but then pull back. Dont ever show a man you have totally lost your senses over him. He will value you more if you show him you love him and want him but you dont need him, and you wont be lost without him. Let him be the one that is trying to prove to you that you are the prize. Take care

I cannot believe the ignorance of some of the posters on this board. And no not because it is a Nigerian board but simply because in this day and time, with the availability of internet, satellite TV, and the number of immigrants of ALL countries in All countries, you would think people would not still be so closed mined ed and blind to their inner prejudices.

I can say that ignorance falls on both side of the fence, as there are African Americans that are very biased and uniformed about African culture but reading some of the comments here at this site I see that there are quite a few Africans with very distorted and unrealistic thoughts and ideas about African Americans.

In this day and age there are shameless men and women in ALL cultures. There are babies daddies and babies mamas in ALL cultures. But to comment on that first, I more proud of the babies mommas and daddies that chose to accept the responsibility of their actions than to make us of the fast fix chains aka abortion clinics.


Yes America has a high statistic of unwed mothers but from what I have seen over the years through my friendships with many Africans of many nationalities is   due to the stigma of unwed mothers many women have children but do not claim them as their own, they simply become their sister, brothers, cousins, or some other family member in attempt to hide the shame. Also if better data was kept in Nigeria regarding health and well being, how many children born to unwed mothers would you really find. And I bet the rate of abortion would be just as high if not higher than that of other countries where unwed motherhood is not frowned upon as severely,

Judging by all of my platonic friends (boy and girl) and what I saw when I lived in Naija with my husband, I can honestly say you guys are not having sex any less than we are here in the States and any less than African Americans.

I think what all of this boils down to is mankinds wish to be superior to others. All of mankind shares this trait. We do it to others and we do it to our own. Hence the class system in Nigeria and other cultures in Africa, India, and other parts of Asia. I would give a long speech about how wrong such ideology is but I know that nothing I say will change this unfortunate trait of mankind. I am simply stating the truth and will rely on God and his day to make the changes that need to be made.

Regalusa you cannot be serious. I am an African American woman but I was disturbed by your post.

First of all what does beauty have to do with anything. If your man already has a wife in Nigeria then he obviously thought she was beautiful enough to marry her. Have you seen Halle berry? Her ex husband cheated on her all the time. What is beautiful in ones eye may not be beautiful in another and what shallow thinking in that you are somehow better off than his "wife" becuase of your beauty.

This brings me to number two. You are not the first beautiful woman on this earth. How does that make it right to get involved with and have another womans husbands child? I am not trying to judge you but I am tired of women who think it is ok to get involved with married men. And what makes this worse is that you then worry that he will leave you once you are further along in pregnancy. In my opinion, so what if he does? Its the old saying what goes around comes around.