Shollypopz:
I have a question and I'm sorry it's not related to the topic of this thread. For those that have both male and female kids, how do you delegate household chores between the two gender?? Are u more concerned about teaching ur female kids how to cook and clean the house than ur male kids?? What effect do you think this have on your children later on (in respect to ur reply). I will ask further questions that would lead to what my main issue is?? I've been thinking of this lately.

Excellent question.
My mum brought us (boys and girls) up sharing tasks equally.
-For the boys, this has affected our relationshps with our ladies positively.
-Unfortunately for the girls, their men are stuck in task seperation and end up being lazy. This is because my 'sisters' are able to perform both traditional male and female 'dominated' chores

Kayyy: "Let me put it simply. Nobody cares about what things these ladies possibly did wrong. Once a marriage has devolved to the point of repeated beatings and abuse for whatever reason, it tells me those two people should not continue to be together, simple. We will celebrate the victim who was strong enough to escape be it the man or the woman. QED"


there lies the diffrence between myself and yourself, there is no victim or better put you dont know who the victim is and who the accused is, fairplay and respect to deberief, and others who have come to tell their stories here, but not everyone who comes here to share their story is the victim, it is not my duty and everyone who reads on here to decide who's the victim and the accused, between a couple who had a failed marriage i am sure none would come out to tell the world he/she was the problem except in extreme cases, this doesnt mean i have cast doubt on debrief's story, she could very right be the victiom.

I can see your problem is with the word victim and you clearly think there are justifiable reasons for one partner to repeatedly beat up the other. Okay let me put it another way and see if you can grasp the meat of what I'm saying now; whoever is being beaten up and escapes has done the right thing.


By the way, thanks to the mods for cleaning up this thread. It was quite upsetting and offensive to see all that rubbish on this particular thread.

ileobatojo:

I can see your problem is with the word victim and you clearly think there are justifiable reasons for one partner to repeatedly beat up the other. Okay let me put it another way and see if you can grasp the meat of what I'm saying now; whoever is being beaten up and escapes has done the right thing.

and what he is trying to point out is that there several ways to kill a fowl. You can shoot it, starngle it, electrocute it. Hell, you can even bite off it's head with your molars, the main thing being that it is dead.
Now there are ways to abuse. Why are you so fixated on physical abuse?
Why don't you take a stand against emotional, sexual, and verbal abuse which most of this women are renowned for?
How do you know the posters here whinning are not the ones who are even abusing their spouses physically ?
What I'm saying in essence is,
How do you know debrief herself is not a karate black belt holder and that it was her husband that actually got away? You copy now?

Efemena_xy:

Babes, open up a seperate thread for that. Well make our contributions.

esere826:

Excellent question.
My mum brought us (boys and girls) up sharing tasks equally.
-For the boys, this has affected our relationshps with our ladies positively.
-Unfortunately for the girls, their men are stuck in task seperation and end up being lazy. This is because my 'sisters' are able to perform both traditional male and female 'dominated' chores

hhhhhmmm........I see.
I have further questions to ask you but I've been told to create another thread.
See u then, maybe

@ Kayyy, Please go to my profile, I have opened threads on male abuse, I try not to limit abuse to age, or gender.
I recognise both issues. This topic however is very specific, questions specifically asked and answered.
There is a thread I openned on violence against men, feel free to visit and share your concerns. I don't even use gender on abuse I know it goes both ways.
What I am against is the constant "preaching" to the victim male or feamle to be blamed and asked to maage till they end up dead. I will never encourage a man verbally abused to ignore his wife and "leave the house for her", I encourage men to stand up and say No, I will not take this, you want to act mad then take a time out and be mad but keep your madness away from me and my kids and not make a bad situation worse by hitting and beating.
I will also encourage men with perpetual naggers to get a temporary seperatio because verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse the difference is the women do not have power to hit.
I do not belong to the school of thought that one party has to contiunally put up with unhappiness to make a marriage work, male or female. I don't encourage suffer to death in the name of marriage, health, sanity is more important than what strangers think

"I can see your problem is with the word victim and you clearly think there are justifiable reasons for one partner to repeatedly beat up the other. Okay let me put it another way and see if you can grasp the meat of what I'm saying now; whoever is being beaten up and escapes has done the right thing."


I think you have put it better, do i support what you put up there, 100% , and i would advice the same, let me give you a scenario, growing we shared a flat with nice , gentleman, very well mannered, he married and the lady was the aggressive type and he just had to develop extra patience with her, one day the had a quarrell from the wife telling him he's a wimp to the elder sister, he's running over the country managing her business and has no time for her, but he was doing this before they got married, infact the house was owned by the sister and he had a 3 bed flat free, he has always reduced gis travelling, like he used to do every weekend before as the sister was a major distributor with wamco, he reduced to twice a month, and later once a month but increased his schedule within lagos, this very day, the lady waited for him to get into the bahrooom, took all his keys, his purse, when he came out, the issue escalated he shouted and was asking for his stuffs, the lady in anger dipped all his fresh clothes he was going to wear into water, he decided to go to the next room, she came there, said unimaginable things at him, "useless man, am i a property, do you have a life outside your sister, threw pillow and other stuffs at him, he got up wanted to leave the room, she blocked him, he pushed her to the side and as he headed for the door, she took the big padlock for their main door, threw it at him, he was lucky to bend down and that padlock smashed the socket on the wall into four pieces, i was about 11 then but till date i remember like yesterday cos i was so close to the socket and i picked the pieces, my mum intervened, the bros (bless him as he is late now),left the house , drove out but he was in tears.

why did i have to write this, if this had gone physical and she was abused, i bet she wont tell her story like we all witnessed , and what the society would say is how beastly the man is.

debrief, thanks for taking time to see my reaction from my side, i usually read this section a lot , and to be fair between yourself and chaircover i dont think there is anybody else i am eager to read their imput, i respect your views a lot and even always use them in areas i seek wisdom, if you read all i have written , the point i am trying to make and which i endeavor people like chaircover, yourself and other matured ladies in the house do is to also discuss life scenarios about men you know, men you heard and men that have narated their abuse issues as well, so the sympathy will not be on the ladies alone, one thing i have always learnt from childhood and i use to preach till date is to make men/women reduce their "ENTITLEMENT MENTALITY", the thought that cos i am male, cos i am female there things i can do and get away with, there are some things i can give, but i dare anyone to do back to me. like i said i am glad you beat this and found happiness now, wish you all the best.

debrief08:
@ Kayyy, Please go to my profile, I have opened threads on male abuse, I try not to limit abuse to age, or gender.
I recognise both issues. This topic however is very specific, questions specifically asked and answered.
There is a thread I openned on violence against men, feel free to visit and share your concerns. I don't even use gender on abuse I know it goes both ways.
What I am against is the constant "preaching" to the victim male or feamle to be blamed and asked to maage till they end up dead. I will never encourage a man verbally abused to ignore his wife and "leave the house for her", I encourage men to stand up and say No, I will not take this, you want to act mad then take a time out and be mad but keep your madness away from me and my kids and not make a bad situation worse by hitting and beating.
I will also encourage men with perpetual naggers to get a temporary seperatio because verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse the difference is the women do not have power to hit.
I do not belong to the school of thought that one party has to contiunally put up with unhappiness to make a marriage work, male or female. I don't encourage suffer to death in the name of marriage, health, sanity is more important than what strangers think

ma'am please what level of tolerance can you possibly recommend 'cos I think herein lies the bone of contention. If my husband has a bad day at work and he happens to snap at home, should I run into my room , pack all my stuffs and head for my parents house?
Should I wait till it happens twice in a week before I decide it's over or should I even tolerate it for five years ?
I say the solution to the problem is not gonna come when you are married. These are questiona a lady should have answered by looking intently and observing her man before walking down the aisle.
Some of you women caged your men with pregnancy and juju so what do you expect ? How can a reasonable and responsible man just turn around and start hitting you?
Either you overlooked that due to his deep pockets or awesome tactics in bed or both.
Now that your eye don clear you want a pity party? That is not gonna happen. Go to the romance section and see how young gals are trading their booty and hands in marriage to the highest bidder.
When such men become mike tyson you start whinning that he has changed. People change but then change is quite difficult to make on a man.
If your man becomes a monster in 5 years of marriage then admit it, you made a terrible choice of a man to marry.
All these stories about walking away is just medcine after death. I really wanna read from a lady how she married a man that waited till marriage before having s**ex, never drank or smoked and was quite regular in church an now he suddenly turned to a beast.
C'mon we cannot all be fooled. At least some of us choose not to.

Kayyy: "I can see your problem is with the word victim and you clearly think there are justifiable reasons for one partner to repeatedly beat up the other. Okay let me put it another way and see if you can grasp the meat of what I'm saying now; whoever is being beaten up and escapes has done the right thing."


I think you have put it better, do i support what you put up there, 100% , and i would advice the same, let me give you a scenario, growing we shared a flat with nice , gentleman, very well mannered, he married and the lady was the aggressive type and he just had to develop extra patience with her, one day the had a quarrell from the wife telling him he's a wimp to the elder sister, he's running over the country managing her business and has no time for her, but he was doing this before they got married, infact the house was owned by the sister and he had a 3 bed flat free, he has always reduced gis travelling, like he used to do every weekend before as the sister was a major distributor with wamco, he reduced to twice a month, and later once a month but increased his schedule within lagos, this very day, the lady waited for him to get into the bahrooom, took all his keys, his purse, when he came out, the issue escalated he shouted and was asking for his stuffs, the lady in anger dipped all his fresh clothes he was going to wear into water, he decided to go to the next room, she came there, said unimaginable things at him, "useless man, am i a property, do you have a life outside your sister, threw pillow and other stuffs at him, he got up wanted to leave the room, she blocked him, he pushed her to the side and as he headed for the door, she took the big padlock for their main door, threw it at him, he was lucky to bend down and that padlock smashed the socket on the wall into four pieces, i was about 11 then but till date i remember like yesterday cos i was so close to the socket and i picked the pieces, my mum intervened, the bros (bless him as he is late now),left the house , drove out but he was in tears.

But this is part of what I'm saying, when a relationship is gets to a point where you needs to be physical to keep it going, that's the time to pull the plug on it. I hope the guy in your story walked out and never returned. Kudos to him for showing such restraint though. Honestly if it were my brother this happened to I can't say I would blame him if he for physical her (with some restraint). I would not support him staying in that relationship and continuing to beat her though.

I do not believe that this scenario is the norm for most marriages where the woman is being beaten though.

deepwaters :
Hi all. I've been going through this thread I can't help but remember what I've also passed through. However, in my case, we were not even married. Is it okay if I share here or this thread is strictly for married people only?

Hi! As long as your story is along the same lines as this thread, you can share it here. It is not a thread for married people only I don't believe.

Hi all. I've been going through this thread I can't help but remember what I've also passed through. However, in my case, we were not even married. Is it okay if I share here or this thread is strictly for married people only?

Guitarlife: and what he is trying to point out is that there several ways to kill a fowl. You can shoot it, starngle it, electrocute it. Hell, you can even bite off it's head with your molars, the main thing being that it is dead.
Now there are ways to abuse. Why are you so fixated on physical abuse?
Why don't you take a stand against emotional, sexual, and verbal abuse which most of this women are renowned for?
How do you know the posters here whinning are not the ones who are even abusing their spouses physically ?
What I'm saying in essence is,
How do you know debrief herself is not a karate black belt holder and that it was her husband that actually got away? You copy now?

Truth you can't know everything. Why not stop being a Sadist and join the cause to help reorient our men and women towards having better marriages.

People change, people make mistakes and only an insensible person would seek to blame the ladies as being responsible for their marriages coming to an end forgetting that it was also key to their current state of happiness today.

Marriage is not by force. It is to be enjoyed not endured.

deepwaters :
Hi all. I've been going through this thread I can't help but remember what I've also passed through. However, in my case, we were not even married. Is it okay if I share here or this thread is strictly for married people only?

Please share darling

Iolo:

Truth you can't know everything. Why not stop being a Sadist and join the cause to help reorient our men and women towards having better marriages.

People change, people make mistakes and only an insensible person would seek to blame the ladies as being responsible for their marriages coming to an end forgetting that it was also key to their current state of happiness today.

Marriage is not by force. It is to be enjoyed not endured.

If I wasn't married, I would have married you . So on point

Guitarlife: ma'am please what level of tolerance can you possibly recommend 'cos I think herein lies the bone of contention. If my husband has a bad day at work and he happens to snap at home, should I run into my room , pack all my stuffs and head for my parents house?
Should I wait till it happens twice in a week before I decide it's over or should I even tolerate it for five years ?
I say the solution to the problem is not gonna come when you are married. These are questiona a lady should have answered by looking intently and observing her man before walking down the aisle.
Some of you women caged your men with pregnancy and juju so what do you expect ? How can a reasonable and responsible man just turn around and start hitting you?
Either you overlooked that due to his deep pockets or awesome tactics in bed or both.
Now that your eye don clear you want a pity party? That is not gonna happen. Go to the romance section and see how young gals are trading their booty and hands in marriage to the highest bidder.
When such men become mike tyson you start whinning that he has changed. People change but then change is quite difficult to make on a man.
If your man becomes a monster in 5 years of marriage then admit it, you made a terrible choice of a man to marry.
All these stories about walking away is just medcine after death. I really wanna read from a lady how she married a man that waited till marriage before having s**ex, never drank or smoked and was quite regular in church an now he suddenly turned to a beast.
C'mon we cannot all be fooled. At least some of us choose not to.

You ARE crude, but I'll conceed there's an element of truth in what you say. No one is a saint. We're all human & prone to making mistakes.

However, the gist of the matter here is that no one should be stuck in an abusive relationship. Get out while you can, before it's too late. That's the message this thread us attempting to pass on.

@Debrief

Da lu so(like the igbos will say, thank you). I have learned over time to ignore spambots on this forum. If you ignore them, they will go away. When you reply them, they come back. Some of them even went as far as creating a username similar ID to mine but with a double letter "N" or "Y" and posted on this thread, all na distractions.

I was at work and read some comments, some cracked me up and for some I asked myself-"why do people even bother replying to these spambots"?

Who cares about authentication of the stories on NLD? This thread is for those that were abused and came out of it alive. It is not to verify who is right and who is wrong, who caused it and what not.

If they can't/don't get it why bother explaining to them

@Debrief, cotton and co
Did you ever want to leave? the thoughts crossed your minds obviously but what kept you back? advises from family members? fear of the unknown? fear of what you will find on the other side? fear of not being able to survive on your own? fear that no man will want you? fear that if you LEAVE THE MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE A FAILURE?

Fast forward: How were you able to overcome that fear by moving out and moving on? did you leave with the fear and said to yourselves ...."You know what, I have had enough, if I die I die and if I live I live but I won't be spending one more second in this house?

When you left finally, did you ever feel like going back?

@Cotton : you left the country, did you save up for your trip? did you tell him you were leaving? was he aware you planned to leave? tell me how you started your life afresh when you got to the UK.

dayokanu:

I am still reading but I have to commend this point. which I think is a good one. The first thing every woman should strive for is Financial Independence.

Assuming Debrief was a full time house wife what Yorubas call ALABODO- Feed and Fucck, Do you think she would leave even if she is about to be killed? One of the weapon used by such men is financial control. You challenge me on any issue even if its korokoro cheating in your own bedroom while you watch and he would withhold money from you or lock the store where the food is kept.

I know its different for different couples, But fight every suggestion to be a Full time, Fully dependent , No income generating housewife

Stay there na. I know a lot of Nigerian women in our family church back In Nigeria that are all graduates and not working. Not because they can't get a job, but because they are married to these rich ALABA INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS MEN that are worth millions of Naira. Tell me how they will survive if those men abandon them? Every Sunday you see them competing for the best dressed in church, that is what they are good at.

Do you remember the story of that politician that threw his wife out of his house in America? she was homeless and couldn't afford a house just because she was married to a wealthy man and never thought for a second to look for a job.

Chai, and to think Nigerian men are some of the few malleable "simple almost to the point of slow" being to grace this earth

But to the typical Nigerian woman, it has been inculcated into their brain from birth, that "marriage is a do or die affair", and all they need to do is seek ye first a "CARING" man and everything else would be added to the marriage automatically. . . And tragically, the Nigerian definition of "caring" means an ATM money dispensing man, hence the art of being financially solvent is lost on them. . .









UNOFFICIAL AND FOOLPROOF tongue in cheek ADVICE TO NIP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE BUD:

Mobilise your Brothers or male friends to get their friends to come and teach your spouse some genteel, gentlemanly, gentle "lesson". It works a treat

Busy_body:
Chai, and to think Nigerian men are some of the few malleable "simple almost to the point of stupid" being to grace this earth

But to the typical Nigerian woman, it has been inculcated into their brain from birth, that marriage is a do or die affair, and all they need to do is seek ye first a "CARING" man and everything else would be added to the marriage automatically. . . And tragically, the Nigerian definition of "caring" means an ATM money dispensing man. . .


UNOFFICIAL AND FOOLPROOF tongue in cheek ADVICE:

Mobilise your Brothers or male friends to get their friends to come and teach your spouse some genteel, gentlemanly, gentle "lesson". It works a treat

I agree and have heard stories too. The day our newly retired Neigh-bour cheated on his wife and On top the whole thing beat her up for asking questions (He had just retired from Chevron then and was paid millions and thought he had arrived), this calabar woman called all her brothers: effiong, ubong and the other "bongs", see beating that day for street, they dragged the man's body on concrete, you could hear him begging them in their native tongue. Na my papa and one muslim man that went to beg ooo. One of them who happens to be a bus driver and has carried my old man for free many times told them with this thick calabar accent ...."Daddy, shebi him sabi beat woman, make we show am how to beat woman, no be today be first time ooo, daddy leave me make I show am how to beat my sister". Oh my, I was in high school then and still remember that day like it was yesterday

jennykadry:

I agree and have heard stories too. The day our newly retired Neigh-bour cheated on his wife and On top the whole thing beat her up for asking questions (He had just retired from Chevron then and was paid millions and thought he had arrived), this calabar woman called all her brothers: effiong, ubong and the other "bongs", see beating that day for street, they dragged the man's body on concrete, you could hear him begging them in their native tongue. Na my papa and one muslim man that went to beg ooo. One of them who happens to be a bus driver and has carried my old man for free many times told my dad with this thick calabar accent ...."Daddy, shebi him sabi beat woman, make we show am how to beat woman, no be today be first time ooo, daddy leave me make I show am how to beat my sister". Oh my, I was in high school then and still remember that day like it was yesterday

Why you nor video this thing sef??!!

Efemena_xy:



Why you nor video this thing sef??!!

You should have seen show that day and they all came in that bus driver's Ford bus . It was only when the Muslim man wanted to go on his knees and beg them, they left this man. They were like "You see wetin we do you, make you do am to our sister tomorrow, if we hear say you do am, we go come back show you more skills on how to sabi beat woman".

According to them, they said this man has been hitting his wife like no man's business. One of them was even like "Na how much e take marry am wey he wan kill am for us, ehn daddy? that my sister sacrifice alot for us naim man wan kill am now wey na time for her to reap the seed wey she sow for our lives?".

For me I stayed because that was what everyone seemed to say I should do, i wanted to leave but was told by those i confided in that only death can seperate us, it was my cross and I had to carry it even if it crushed me. I was young, the youngest, everyone seemed to sing the same song, but they sang and left I was the one with the pain and hurt. The moment my Dad said e don do, I didnt even think twice, it was as if I was ready, At one point when I filed my dad asked if I was sure, and why I was carrying on as if i had planned it. Lol. Believe me I was ready to leave a long time ago but everyone else told me it was wrong to even consider that

Shollypopz:
hhhhhmmm........I see.
I have further questions to ask you but I've been told to create another thread.
See u then, maybe

Ok naw. as them don drive us from here.
But im for better for ladies to understand root causes than just plucking the fruits from tree tops and saying "this one is sour ..throw it away".

Just my 2 cent
**runs away sharp sharp**

jennykadry:

You should have seen show that day and they all came in that bus driver's Ford bus . It was only when the Muslim man wanted to go on his knees and beg them, they left this man. They were like "You see wetin we do you, make you do am to our sister tomorrow, if we hear say you do am, we go come back show you more skills on how to sabi beat woman".

According to them, they said this man has been hitting his wife like no man's business. One of them was even like "Na how much e take marry am wey he wan kill am for us, ehn daddy? that my sister sacrifice alot for us naim man wan kill am now wey na time for her to reap the seed wey she sow for our lives?".

Lolling and rolling on the floor at the let's teach him how to beat a woman properly and how much dowry did he pay sef How have you been jare Jenny.

I don't know why, but that always works, so if this is the only temporary solution still available. . .

debrief08: For me I stayed because that was what everyone seemed to say I should do, i wanted to leave but was told by those i confided in that only death can seperate us, it was my cross and I had to carry it even if it crushed me. I was young, the youngest, everyone seemed to sing the same song, but they sang and left I was the one with the pain and hurt. The moment my Dad said e don do, I didnt even think twice, it was as if I was ready, At one point when I filed my dad asked if I was sure, and why I was carrying on as if i had planned it. Lol. Believe me I was ready to leave a long time ago but everyone else told me it was wrong to even consider that

When you left finally, did you ever feel like going back?

debrief08: For me I stayed because that was what everyone seemed to say I should do, i wanted to leave but was told by those i confided in that only death can seperate us, it was my cross and I had to carry it even if it crushed me. I was young, the youngest, everyone seemed to sing the same song, but they sang and left I was the one with the pain and hurt. The moment my Dad said e don do, I didnt even think twice, it was as if I was ready, At one point when I filed my dad asked if I was sure, and why I was carrying on as if i had planned it. Lol. Believe me I was ready to leave a long time ago but everyone else told me it was wrong to even consider that

I hope you don't mind my asking. Why was it so important to get your parents consent before leaving? If you had a do over, would you still wait for them to say it's ok before leaving? Thanks.

Busy_body:


Lolling and rolling on the floor at the let's teach him how to beat a woman properly and how much dowry did he pay sef How have you been jare Jenny.

I don't know why, but that always works, so if this is the only temporary solution still available. . .

I am good. Seh you ran away from us ehn. After discrediting my ability to browse the net with my phone

They said alot those guys, its the few line I posted I could remember.

jennykadry:

When you left finally, did you ever feel like going back?

For where, have you ever been locked up in a room with only one window and when you scream, people hear you and say, just hold on, wait a little more if you dont die, something will happen and it will be well. When finally you open the door and get out, in as much as you might have had great times in that sunless room, will you think of going back after enjoying sunlight and fresh air?
I really didnt want to go back, maybe I would have considered it for a moment if my ex was a little repentant, he just wanted a wife at home he was not sorry then, he wasnt apologetic, even the day I met him to talk, he was still trying to blame me for some of the issues, saying if I had a child maybe we will be happier, if I quit my job it would have shown more respect to him, if I didnt speak with my dad so much i would get him so angry, If I wasnt so quiet and always making people think he was bad he wouldnt get so angry with me. Lol
What was there to go back to?

One more question if you don't mind me asking. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex now so maybe you discussed this. What I want to know is that why did he want you back when you left? You said he threatened you to come back after he didn't see you for a while. From what I can see, he should have been jubilating that he was finally free. So why did he want you back? Did he just enjoy traumatizing you so much that he was willing to give up his own freedom? Just trying to understand his mindset.

ileobatojo:

I hope you don't mind my asking. Why was it so important to get your parents consent before leaving? If you had a do over, would you still wait for them to say it's ok before leaving? Thanks.

Not my parents consent, anybody s, I am a faith person, I was told by the Pastor that God hates divorce, I was the youngest of 8, I tohought everyone else cant be wrong and I right. The Pastor, My parents, my relatives, Elder Aunts, etc. Funny enough when my dad spoke a lot of them fell in line

jennykadry:

You should have seen show that day and they all came in that bus driver's Ford bus . It was only when the Muslim man wanted to go on his knees and beg them, they left this man. They were like "You see wetin we do you, make you do am to our sister tomorrow, if we hear say you do am, we go come back show you more skills on how to sabi beat woman".

According to them, they said this man has been hitting his wife like no man's business. One of them was even like "Na how much e take marry am wey he wan kill am for us, ehn daddy? that my sister sacrifice alot for us naim man wan kill am now wey na time for her to reap the seed wey she sow for our lives?".

Serves him right.

But did that put an end to it? I mean, sure the brothers drove home their point to the wife beating hubby. But at the end of the day, she had to live with him.

Did she go back to her husband? And how did he take to her after the beating he received from her brothers? Somehow, I find it hard to believe that such a man would have welcome her back with open arms. Methinks there would have been a lot of resentment from him towards her brewing...